Veering Left
by RedDestroyer1361
Summary: One mid-October evening, Asuka, tired of her conflicted emotions towards the Third Child, convinces a reluctant Shinji to kiss her. He in turn, deciding to take a chance for once, reciprocates. But even the joy of the happiest moment in her life cannot overcome her fears. Her cruel words leave not one, but two hearts broken. Can she be forgiven? And how will everything else change?
1. Overture

**_IMPORTANT:_** **THIS** is now where the story OFFICIALLY begins!

Once again, as I did on that post, I apologize for all the confusion.

Also, Chapter 1 has been renamed 'Overture'. The previous title, 'An Unexpected Left', is now the title of Chapter 2.

So...here we begin 'Veering Left' with Mr. Ryoji Kaji...and a song that speaks to his lonely, wounded soul.

 _"'Too late for us now?'_

 _I sat alone, and I spoke out loud_

 _On this darkened afternoon_

 _The windows to my room_

 _A solemn shutter on the world_

 _Where I used to laugh and dream_

 _For the first time in so long_

 _I make my way down to the street_

 _And watch the people as they pass_

 _Outside, I breathe the air_

 _And all around fall shadows of despair_

 _I wonder, 'Is there hope for us?_

 _A place where we can all be free?'_

 _I wonder, 'Is there life inside a soul that dies?'_

 _I wonder, 'Is there hope for us to lift me up?'_

 _I don't know when I'll see the sun again_

 _I'd like to feel alive just one more time..."_

[MEDIA=youtube]H8sCh_qcicw[/MEDIA]

- **"Hope For Us?"** by Shadow Gallery

 ** _ Chapter 1-Overture_**

•5:41 AM, Wednesday, October 14, 2015

My day starts normally enough...

Upon first awakening, I use the necessary, shower, get dressed, and after being too tired to do so last night, check my voicemail messages. And as I play the new message from yesterday morning, I am greeted by the sound of screaming.

 **"AAAAHHHH! Help me Kaji! Don't touch me, you pervert! AAAAHHHHHHHH!"**

In sharp contrast to the 'frantic' voice of the girl in the last message, the 'female' voice of the answering machine is cool and deadpan as it states, **"End of messages. You have no new messages."**

I grind my palm into my face.

"That girl is going to put me in an earlier grave than my job," I sigh to myself.

At one time, I might have been genuinely frightened and run to her aid...but Asuka's done this before...with disturbing frequency. Luckily, part of my job is being able to determine deceit from truth when dealing with liars far more experienced than Asuka will ever be.

So, it's easy for me to know when she's merely trying to get my attention, though I really do wish that she'd stop crying 'wolf'.

If I were wrong that 'one time' she actually needed me, I'd never forgive myself. And when one considers how many things I already will never forgive myself for...

No...mustn't think like that right now...

Again, I sigh as I delete the message and make my way down to the street to find something for breakfast.

"I may need to sit down and have a talk with Asuka next time I see her."

Hopefully, she'll listen and I won't have to be too harsh. After all, despite the way she often acts towards other people, she really is a good kid at heart.

But right now, I have something bigger and much more troubling on my mind. My quest for the truth behind NERV, and of lesser importance, my assignment for the Japanese government, is on the verge of a breakthrough, and I am now certain that NERV's greatest secret lies within the deepest level of the base...known as Terminal Dogma.

If the information I have obtained is correct, Terminal Dogma is a gargantuan, hollow chamber, and that makes me wonder...what could they be keeping in a space large enough to accommodate an Evangelion, or multiple Evangelions, or...an Angel? Possibly even...multiple Angels? I do not know for certain.

However, it was I who delivered to NERV, or more specifically to NERV's Commander, Gendo Ikari, the remnants of the First Angel; Adam.

Adam...the creature responsible for the Second Impact, the death of half the planet, and subsequently, the creation of the Evangelions.

Some time ago, I learned that Adam is one of the keys for the Human Instrumentality project. Exactly what the project involves, however, is still a mystery.

Naturally, I am quite eager to uncover this 'project's' goal. Eager enough that I took a third job with SEELE to find out. I want to know the truth about all of this; the Second Impact, the Angels, the Evangelions, NERV, SEELE, the Human Instrumentality Project...

Why did the Second Impact happen? I found out when I first offered my services to NERV that it was Adam who caused it.

Adam...a giant, seemingly made of light, destroyed the continent of Antarctica and had some kind of aura that instantly extinguished almost every life form that made contact with it, right down to microbial life...with one miraculous exception...

And yet, both NERV and SEELE would willingly keep such a creature in close proximity to their organizations?

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." I mutter to myself, drawing the curious attention of the person standing in front of me in line at the pastry shop.

Igorning him, though covertly eyeing him once he's turned his back, I return to my ruminations.

'When I first found Adam in NERV-Berlin, it appeared to be a tiny, embryonic creature. Hard to believe such a creature could be possible of such deadly power.'

Once I had freed it, however...

It began to regenerate rapidly, before I imprisoned it a solid block of bakelite. I'll never forget the thrill of terror I felt when the creature opened its eyes as it was growing...

And that moment...when the eye facing me swiveled frantically around the room, only to fix itself...staring unblinkingly...upon me...

 ** _'What is this? Who are you?!'_**

Those had been the words I had thought to myself in that horrible moment..

And yet...did I...

'Was it...MY inner voice that spoke to my mind in that vault?'

The words seemed to erupt into my thoughts almost...automatically. Almost...too quickly for my own brain to have formed the question consciously...

'And something about that particular thought felt...unfamiliar. As if...as if...'

But, forgetting about that unsettling moment, and back to more important and urgent questions...

'I wonder...is it possible, that once I delivered it here, it was allowed to regenerate further until it had regained it's original size, but was sealed in a prison tailor-made for it from the start? Or was what I took from SEELE only a small part of the whole?'

Has NERV been keeping another part of Adam locked away in their base this whole time? If their goal is to destroy the Angels, and protect the world, why not simply exterminate it? I do know that Adam's flesh was cloned to create the flesh of the Evangelions...but...do they need the living creature for that? I strongly suspect they do not.

'This Human Instrumentality Project is apparently why the creature is still alive, but...what IS this project? How does it involve Adam? My understanding is that the Angels are Adam's progeny, and are attacking us in an attempt to contact him.'

I make my purchase, and thank the female clerk, giving her a winning smile...at which she blushes.

'Cute girl', I think to myself. 'No Katsuragi though.'

And for a moment, I allow my mind to shift to more pleasant thoughts...rose-colored memories of eight years past...

Before shaking my head to clear it.

'After all...no rest for the wicked...or me...until the reaper comes knocking...'

The Angels...just what are these bizarre and deadly creatures?

They seemingly appear out of nowhere, and except for the one code-named Gaghiel, have always targeted Tokyo 3.

Once I discovered the existence of Terminal Dogma, I began to understand at least one reason why they would attack Tokyo 3...and only Tokyo 3.

But why did the ones code-named Sachiel, Shamshel, and Ramiel attack before I brought Adam...unless part of Adam had already been there the whole time.

Gaghiel's attack seemingly confirmed what I had been told about the Angels' motive, though it raised the aforementioned question of why Tokyo 3...and not Berlin, where Adam was being kept...was the target of the Angels.

It's my understanding that if an Angel makes contact with Adam...then all the remaining life on Earth will be destroyed.

So why not destroy it?

I almost wish I had betrayed NERV as well, and destroyed Adam myself. I nearly did too, but the rate it was regenerating at made it necessary to contain it.

Though, and it disgusts me to admit it, I was also...curious.

And all because I was curious, the kids who pilot the Evangelions will continue to have to fight...when I could have ended it for them.

Well maybe...

Maybe I couldn't have destroyed it...maybe I could have. But if I had, the question of why NERV wanted it...and why SEELE was already keeping it would never be answered. I'd eventually be executed by one betrayed party or the other...never knowing the true reason for the Second Impact.

I sigh bitterly. "I suppose that in a way, by letting Adam live, I've sold my own soul in this search for the truth...if I even had a soul to sell after-..."

Sitting down on the train already beginning to fill up with glum and irritable early morning commuters, I find myself thinking about the Eva Pilots...

'I've sold my soul...but I don't care about living any longer than it takes to get some more answers...'

No, it's the Pilots...Katsuragi...they're the ones who are going to be footing the bill for my ongoing quest.

I suppose at least Asuka would have forgiven me. Hell, she'd have probably hated my guts if I made the war that she'd been training her whole life to fight end before she could participate...

'Though considering her current feelings towards me...maybe that would have been better...'

Then...there's the other two; Shinji and Rei.

Rei at least seems like a natural born soldier...moreso than Asuka, due to her unquestioning and rigid obedience...something that I find horribly unnerving for a girl no older than fourteen. At least Asuka still acts like a child...no matter how much she would try to say otherwise.

But then there's Shinji...

'Why?' I think to myself, 'why would anyone in their right mind pick him to be a soldier?'

He's certainly got a strange aptitude for it...but in attitude and mentality, he's anything but a soldier...

'If this war doesn't end up killing him someday...it'll probably do something worse...'

I already worry about what it will do...and perhaps IS already doing...to Asuka, though...at least she's doing this with wholehearted enthusiasm.

'Somehow, I don't find that to be much more comforting though...'

I can only hope Katsuragi might be someone who can guide all of them through this...

Katsuragi...

'I could have spared her the curse of her own obsession. I could have avenged Shiro Katsuragi...and three billion more besides...'

I don't know that she'd have thanked me for taking her vengeance from her...but...maybe I could have saved her soul from the damnation that surely awaits mine.

Obsession...a devil if ever there was one...

But perhaps...with others under her care to protect, her priorities will change...perhaps they can help to keep her soul intact...

I snort wryly at that last thought. 'Such optimism from one already condemned...and no longer bearing the burdens of those willing to go on living.'

The extent to which I can sicken myself sometimes still surprises me.

'Well, since the Pilots and Katsuragi are going to be stuck with this mess...I might as well use this time I spend rebuking myself for something more constructive...like trying to wrap my brain around the matter at hand. So...returning to the subject of Adam...'

It's not surprising that Adam's awakening was covered up, but between Gendo Ikari's stroke of 'luck' in having departed Antarctica on September 12, 2000, the day before Second Impact, and now the fact that first SEELE and now NERV are holding Adam within their facilities...and thus risking a likely Third Impact...one has to wonder...

'Did they know?'

Were they...expecting the events of the Second Impact? And if so, did they know how to avert it, or...was that never even part of their plan?

'Could those who claim to be saving the world...be the same monsters that damned it?'

The train reaches my stop and I exit, whistling 'cheerfully' as I continue to ponder...

It seems unfathomable, that humans would be callous enough to willingly orchestrate the death of half or their own kind for...any reason.

'But in the wake of Second Impact, I saw...'

I saw humanity at it's absolute ugliest. The catastrophe brought out the best in some, but...when it brought out the worst in others...

I feel myself shiver slightly as...memories...claw faintly at the inside of my skull...scratching at the veil severing them from my waking mind with a sort of...perverse playfulness...

'Sometimes...it's so hard to remember...that there were saints among the monsters around me.'

Once things had begun to return to some degree of normalcy, the time came to dig for answers.

'I wasn't alone of course. After Second Impact, there were more conspiracy theories than there were pre-Impact religions...and conspiracy theorists weren't considered all that unusual anymore.'

Eventually, I graduated to espionage. And when my digging became overly troublesome, I was 'offered' an official career in the business. It wasn't necessarily by choice...nevertheless, I decided to jump at the chance. But knowing that I could only learn everything I wanted to know by playing for and against all the different players in this game, I ended up becoming a triple agent.

Naturally, I've long since accepted that I will not leave this 'triple career' alive, and that said career will also likely be a short one.

By stealing Adam alone, I have all but signed my inevitable death warrant. They'll find out eventually, and SEELE has killed better men than me for far less.

Still...I've devoted my existence to uncovering the truth...and there's no going back now.

But maybe, if I can find the truth, even if it costs my life and my soul...maybe then my life will have some actual meaning.

'Maybe I'll have earned the right to have survived the living hell that followed that events of that September day when all is said and done.'

After all, one of the monsters I knew in the wake of Second Impact...the one I know best of all...was me.

Just ask my brother, and all our friends.

Not that you could...I saw to that.

I sigh, "And yet, I'm taking time out of all this important business to go to a wedding reception this afternoon."

'Well, everyone needs a day off sometimes, I guess. Even the not-quite-yet-dead.'

At least I'll be able to spend some time with Ritsuko and Katsuragi today. "Might be just like old times," I laugh with just a hint of bitterness.


	2. Overture (pt2)

**_IMPORTANT_** : Just a heads up. This chapter used to be the first one in the story, so some of the prior reviews for Ch.1 might not make sense.

The full explanation of all the changes that were made can be found in an announcement I made in the reviews section.

Anyways, I hope you all enjoy the story, and I apologize for any confusion.

 _"The ice in your veins makes you strong_

 _The hole in your soul, tearing onward_

 _You're breaking your back everyday_

 _The sin and bones lead you astray"_

 _"If you want it, you must take it_

 _If you believe it, you can't fake it_

 _If you have it, you must use it_

 _If you find it, you can't lose it again"_

[MEDIA=youtube]6jTqGgBk890[/MEDIA]

- **"Sin And Bones"** by Fozzy

•4:49 PM

The sun hangs low in the western sky, bathing the city of Tokyo 3 in a deep, warm orange light. To the right of me, my shadow dances across the facades of buildings, stepping in time with my quick, purposeful strides as I make my way home.

"Why?" I ask myself bitterly. Why did I agree to that stupid date? Mein Gott, that twit, Yosihiaki, was a sad case. And I thought Shinji was pathetic; at least he knows how worthless he is. But that moron back there...

He seemed to think he was God's gift to women or something; bragging on and on about his accomplishments and about his lofty ambitions, like he actually expected to impress me. Hah! No mere boy like him could ever hold a candle to a real man like Kaji!

Not to mention, his bright idea of a 'date' was taking me to an amusement park...a fucking AMUSEMENT PARK! As if I were still a goddamn kid or something...I may be only thirteen biologically...but mentally, I might as well be an adult!

'I mean, hell,' I think to myself, a certain purple-haired woman coming to mind, 'I'd even say that I'm a few cuts above the average adult.'

I've gone to college already...and I'm an Eva Pilot; you know, part of the elite force tasked with protecting the world from the Angels; weird, giant monsters that are by far the greatest threat humanity has ever faced? And he takes me to an AMUSEMENT PARK?! What a fucking joke...

Not to mention...the way he was eyeing me up. His attitude was one thing, but when he would look at me...

I felt like I was a fresh steak being dangled in front of a starving dog. He made Shinji seem suave and subtle by comparison! I'm actually kind of glad now that Misato refused to allow me to use her lavender perfume. It would have been a waste...and maybe worse...to use it on this lousy misadventure.

I sigh, feeling a twinge of guilt at the thought that this may come back to bite Hikari. I really hope her older sister, Kodama, who is a friend of that bipedal turd, won't give her any trouble because of me blowing off the date.

I know neither of them are going to be happy about it. Not only did I leave without saying anything, I left while Yoshiaki was standing in line for the roller coaster. It was cruel of me, I suppose, but I just couldn't stand him a moment longer.

Besides, his ego needed a bit of deflating anyway; I'm surprised he was able to walk through the amusement park gate with that fat head of his. Ah well, just another stupid, arrogant pervert in a world full to the brim of them.

Again, I sigh, as I think of Kaji. Not even the man of my dreams is completely innocent of that behavior, though. I see the way he acts around other women, and especially...I see how he looks at Misato.

I hate her for that. I mean, I AM grateful, albeit grudgingly, for how she took me in and takes care of me...

Sometimes she's like the big sister I never had, but still...

Damn it, I want Kaji to look at me at me the way he looks at her! She's a drunk, a slob, she dresses like a slut half the time, she has the gall to act like she doesn't even want him...even though I KNOW she does!

'After all, what sane women wouldn't?'

And despite all that, she's the one he looks at?! Why not me...what's wrong with me? Why won't he look at me...I mean REALLY look at me?! Why is Misato, an adult who acts like Gott damned child herself, so much more appealing than me?

 _Maybe because Ryoji Kaji isn't a pedophile?_

'Quiet you! A-and besides, age is j-just a number dammit!'

 _Not to him it isn't. Not to anyone with a healthy and sane idea of what constitutes a proper relationship._

'So what, I'm insane now?! I'd prefer to use that word for someone who thinks a certain idiot, who shall not be named, would be more suitable for-'

 _So then...Kaji himself would fall under that banner?_

'Th-that's not what I-'

 _And have you forgotten who I am?_

That ever-annoying voice at the back of my mind sounds even more infuriatingly smug than ever.

 _Calling me insane is to admit insanity yourself is it not?_

'Grrr! Enough of this!'

Still, I have to admit this much at least...

Not for the first time, I'm beginning to think I'm fighting a losing battle. Kaji must know how I feel about him; he is quite intelligent after all. I've gone out of my way to make it obvious to him, even to the point that I've told him that he truly is the only one for me! What more can I do that I haven't tried?

I literally threw myself at him the night before we arrived in Japan! But all he did was brush me off and tell me that I'm still a child. He even seemed uncomfortable when I got too near to him. I think he tried to be nice and hide it...but I could tell. He even tried to divert my attentions elsewhere; to the Third Child!

Admittedly though...despite clearly seeing what Kaji was doing, I had been...rather curious. And I did think to myself that maybe...if someone, anyone were to take Kaji's place...this 'hero' who had apparently saved the world three times in a row would at least be the closest second achievable.

Then, of course, I actually met Shinji Ikari in person, and...

Hmm...now that's odd...

Normally, right now I'd be scoffing the idea of even considering the Third a suitable replacement, just as I did that night back in August, and the next day when I actually met the 'Invincible Shinji'.

Normally, I'd be remembering how when I first saw Shinji Ikari in the flesh, I thought to myself, 'THIS, is the Third Child?! I wouldn't give this scrawny dork the time of day!'

And normally, I would be able to ignore any dissenting opinions from the errant parts of my mind. But alas, even in the brilliant mind of the 'Great Asuka Langley Sohryu', there are foolish thoughts and feelings.

Like the thought that Shinji's timid and awkward nature is...kinda cute in a way. That his tendency to apologize for no reason and stumble over his words is almost...endearing, if also somewhat annoying as well. The thought that, despite the first words I directly spoke to him, he actually is...something to look at...once you've taken a closer look at his deceptively plain exterior.

And most of all, I'd normally find ridiculous the idea that because he has actually put himself in harm's way to save me, that he's somehow braver than he lets on...that perhaps there is genuine strength and character beneath the shield of whimpering cowardice and teenage idiocy...and that maybe, he actually cares abou-

Gaaahhhhh, there I go again! All my worrying about Kaji is making me insane! To think there are brief moments where I actually believe any of this nonsense about Shinji! It's infuriating! He's infuriating!

I mean...I do occasionally try to reach out to him to indulge my inner stupidity just to shut it up...but he always blows it off, ignores, or just flat out seems to miss the point because he's such a fucking dummkopf!

Example? I rubbed my goddamn breasts in front of him that day at the pool! While wearing a bikini! And talking about thermal expansion!

Well...to be fair, I was mostly doing it to tease him for my own amusement. You know, fry his brain a little, and watch him squirm. But still...he could have shown at least a little more interest!

Instead, what does he do? He just goes and gets all huffy and says 'he doesn't think about things like that'. Utter bullshit! I know the way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. And it's not really hard to guess what's on his mind.

'It just proves that he really is yet another stupid pervert, who wants to ogle me from the shadows, too cowardly to openly show his interest.'

That thought however, far from setting the matter to rest, simply opens up another troubling question.

Since I normally don't mind boys who are infatuated with me keeping their distance, as those who do openly display their interest are in grave danger of being emasculated verbally, or perhaps physically, depending on my mood and how 'lucky' they happen to be feeling...why then, do I want Shinji to express his obvious interest in me, even if I know that it's just the same shallow lust any other stupid boy would feel towards me?

Returning to reality, I pull away from these vexing thoughts. Looking around, I see that I've arrived back at the apartment building that I share with the aforementioned Shinji and Misato and, to my knowledge...no one else.

Before stepping inside and heading to the elevator, I decide to take a moment to admire the sunset.

Normally, a nondescript, white concrete building, the October sunset has painted the apartment block the lovely color of flame and autumn leaves.

The whole city, I notice, looks so breathtaking in this light. The way the sun and illuminated clouds reflect off of the glass skyscrapers...they look like towers of gold.

In spite of my earlier frustration, I now find myself feeling calm...happy even. Happy that even in a world as empty and broken as this, where such terrible things happen to the deserving and undeserving alike, that there can be moments like this; where a lovely sunset can, at least for a moment, make even a cold heart such as mine, feel warm.

And yet, even as I turn around to make my way to the elevator, ascend, and begin to walk towards my door, the warmth does not ebb away, but seems to rise...filling my soul like beautiful music. And if I had to name the instrument that came to mind, I'd have to say it was the...cello?

I pause...listening intently. That's not just my imagination...I'm actually hearing a cello playing.

As I continue towards the door, the music grows louder. So it's coming from my apartment then...a recording perhaps?

I know Misato's a pure rocker who'd probably start snoring if she so much as looked at a cello...so it must be Shinji's.

I do remember that when I unceremoniously evicted him from what is now my room, I found an SDAT player with a single battered mixtape inside of it. In spite of myself, I had at that time...and afterwards, during the countless number of times I had seen him listening to the the tape on his headphones, found myself wondering what sort of music the Third Child had on it...

I guess this finally answers my que-

No, wait...I know this piece. Bach's Cello Suite no.1...and it's played faster than this. Whoever is playing it now knows all the notes perfectly, but is likely still trying to master the tempo...that would explain why the cellist is playing the intro segment over and over again instead of going on to the next part.

Still, in a way, I think it actually sounds...better...when played slower like this...

I open the door and walk down the entrance corridor, the music now reverberating off the narrow walls of the passageway, wondering who the cellist could be; and reaching the end at last, find myself transfixed by what I see.

There, sitting in the kitchen with his back to me, and playing the cello, is Shinji Ikari. I step quietly forward into the room, not taking my eyes off of him...and I watch, amazed.

While indeed playing slower than the actual composition, he doesn't miss a single note, and...if anything, the slower tempo gives the already somber piece more gravity...a gravity that resonates well with the morose personality of the young man I've come to know.

Although I can't see his face from where I'm standing, he somehow seems...perhaps not happier, but more...at peace...than I ever remember seeing him. And with that thought, I feel a rare smile work it's way across my face. Not the predatory grin or cold smirk more typical of me, but a warm smile I can feel reaching my eyes.

I know he's an idiot and a loser, but there are times that I just can't help but feel a bit of affection for the Third Child...and the realization that Shinji has an unexpected hobby...and a surprising amount of talent for it...only makes those feelings stronger in me.

Maybe...there really is more to him than meets the eye. It's not the first time I've thought that about him...but it is the first time the thought hasn't been immediately suppressed by scornful derision.

Indeed, if I have to be honest with myself, I've been feeling less of that around him lately. I, almost...feel like I'm starting to admire him, maybe even care about him a little...and perhaps I'm even beginning to-

He stops playing, wavering the final note dramatically. And I decide to at last reveal my presence to him, as I put my hands together and applaud his work. Shinji turns around, looking thoroughly surprised to see me, and perhaps even more so, to see me clapping.

Given my usual treatment of him, I suppose he might think I'm being sardonic. But I look him in the eye, and allow myself to smile at him to show that I genuinely mean it as I say, "that was very nice Shinji! I didn't know you played."

He gives a small, wistful smile in response. "I started when I was five, but I'm still not very good. I have no talent at all." He looks like his old dejected self again, and I feel a stab of annoyance.

Seriously? I give you an actual compliment, and you still find a way to put yourself down? What are you, stupid?!

But, I do bear in mind, with a little pang of guilt, that this IS the only time I have EVER paid him a compliment that wasn't sarcastic or backhanded, and that he's probably just choosing to put himself down before I can.

So, keeping my tone friendly, I reply "well, perseverance wins the battle. I'm impressed!"

He looks pleased...for all of two seconds before drooping again. "I only started because my teachers told me to. But I could've quit any time."

I don't let him see me roll my eyes. "So why didn't you?"

With a wry smile, he says, "Huh, well nobody to me to stop, I guess."

"Ugh," I groan, as lay down on the floor of the adjacent room, unable to conceal my disappointed exasperation any longer. "I should have known."

Of course he would only have an impressive talent because someone had to talk him into taking it up. Why did I expect anything different? Still, I guess at least he hasn't given it up, even though he could...even if it's only because no one told him to stop. Ah well, so much for trying to be nice. Now he'll probably just sulk all night.

"Hey, you're back early. I thought you were going out to dinner too." His voice actually sounds slightly cheerful at these words.

Strange...he almost seems happy to see me home early.

Unsure of what to make of it, and not really wanting to play twenty questions with the idiot, I casually skim over the details of what happened. "No, my date was even more boring than you. So while he was standing in line for the roller coaster, I took a train back here."

"That seems kinda cold," he says with a twinge of disapproval. Deciding not to elaborate on how insufferably smug and lecherous the arschloch had been, I simply sigh dismissively, and remind him that Ryoji Kaji is the only real man in my life.

"Oh. Okay," is his only response before falling silent.

I'm not sure how long it is that the quiet calm lasts...before he begins to play again...and in spite of myself, and unseen by Shinji, I smile peacefully...

Stupid Shinji should stop selling himself short. By the sound of what he's playing, he's improvising all of it. And it's...wonderful...

The music he plays...for me? I wonder...it's like an extension of himself; calm, yet somber...morose, yet...with a hidden strength.

Oh...this feeling is...intoxicating...

Every melody, every note, seems to fill my soul, and resonate with a gentle, pulsating warmth and light.

And, I find myself drifting away...away from my worries about Kaji...my annoyance at my irresponsible floozy of a guardian...Yoshiaki's droning voice and unnerving, hungry eyes...the tedious chore of having to work alongside that stupid doll, Wondergirl...the infuriating indignity of having to attend middle school all over again, coupled with the struggle to learn the kanji...the general pressures of being an Eva pilot, the homesickness for Germany, and even the confusion and frustration I feel because Shinji won't look at me the way he looks at Wonderg-

"No! Stop that! Shut up, damn you!" The music dies with the ghastly squeal of the bow scraping against the strings, and I hear Shinji fumble for a moment, then he bursts into the room, looking frightened. "A-Asuka! What's wrong?!"

I'm beginning to realize that in yelling at my own mind to stop thinking such stupid thoughts, I must have actually shouted out loud. As I turn to look at the boy, I see the fear and concern in his eyes...

And feel a rising heat in my face, completely at a loss of what to say to explain myself.

"A-Asuka?" Shinji takes a tentative step forward, reaching out a cautious hand.

And with a jolt, I snap back to life, pushing his hand away. "What, idiot? What do you want?"

He recoils, backing away, looking slightly hurt, though somewhat less worried. "I-I heard you screaming just now. I-I just w-wanted t-to make sure you were okay."

"Oh? Is that so?" I sneer at him, as I rise to my feet.

Pity? From the likes of him?! That's just wonderful. Really fucking great. "Not that I'd ever need YOUR help anyway, Third Child, but as you can see, I'm fine! So just get out of my sight already! And put the stupid cello away! It's starting to give me a headache."

He does so, but not before I see his deep blue eyes become downcast and lose the light that had shone there when I had praised his playing earlier...a light I hadn't even noticed...

Until now...

A wave of regret at my outburst overtakes me as I hear the door to Shinji's room slide open and then shut...

And I start to realize that after such harsh words, my emotionally fragile roommate might never again grace my ears with his talent. And it's not like I can just ask him to play for me...

I mean, he'd do it...I'm sure he would, but then, he might get the wrong-

Ugh, I just need to be alone right now. Maybe in a little while, I'll go and take a shower...

Forget all about this stupid day...


	3. Overture (pt3)

With all the changes I've made in the segment lineup of the first two chapters, this is now the THIRD and final segment of Chapter 1.

So, without further ado, here it goes :)

 _"This is so hard for me_

 _To find the words to say_

 _My thoughts are standing still_

 _Captive inside of me_

 _All emotions start to hide_

 _And nothing's getting through_

 _Watch me fading_

 _I'm losing all my instincts_

 _Falling into darkness_

 _Tear down these walls for me_

 _Stop me from going under_

 _You're not the only one who knows I'm holding back_

 _It's not too late for me_

 _To keep from sinking further_

 _I'm trying to find my way out_

 _Tear down these walls for me now"_

[MEDIA=youtube]MzovR0s7EbI[/MEDIA]

- **"These Walls"** by Dream Theater

•4:57 PM

The view of the sunset through the balcony window provides a glorious setting for the next piece I decide to play, Bach's Cello Suite No. 1.

I'm still trying to learn the piece and perfect it though, so I settle for repeating the intro to the Prelude section several times, in a loop, at a reduced tempo, until I get it right. It's been too long since I've picked up my instrument. So long, that I hadn't remembered, until now, just how much of a release it is.

For a moment, I'm no longer the Third Child, pilot of Evangelion Unit 01. With my cello in hand, I am just, Shinji Ikari. No one special or important, but I like it that way.

It's safer to be someone invisible. There's no responsibility, no crushing expectations to save the world from monsters. There is only me, in my quiet corner of life, where no one can yell at me, reject me, or force me into something way over my head.

It helps, of course, that I am alone at home right now, having just recently returned from visiting my mother's grave with father.

Father...

I was actually able to hold a brief conversation with him today. I still don't understand him, and he's still so distant that it's difficult to even talk to him at all. But today seemed like...maybe...just maybe a step in the right direction. At least I didn't run away like I did this time three years ago.

Maybe after this war with the Angels is over, there'll be time to get to know him. Maybe then, he'll actually want to see me. I sigh. I'm still not sure if I hate him or not, but...I guess after today, maybe I don't.

Ah well, back to the music. This piece has been giving me a devil of a time, but I refuse just to give up on it, like I do on so many other things.

To be fair, I've been practicing this piece from memory, as I don't currently own any notation books, so my progress with this very complex Bach composition has been limited. But I've at gotten the intro nailed down now.

Even so, I play it one last time to make sure I've mastered it. Still playing at a slower tempo than the actual composition, I let the music fill me, and carry me away...away from Tokyo 3, away from Japan, away from the world, if only for a moment...

I let the last, doleful note of the segment waver dramatically as I at last decide to conclude my practice for the day. But before the music has entirely faded away, I hear another sound from behind. Applause? Surprised, I turn around to see...

Asuka?!

My roommate, Asuka Langely Sohryu, stands in the doorway. She's clapping and...smiling? "That was very nice Shinji! I didn't know you played."

Am I seeing and hearing this, or am I dreaming? Or did the last Angel actually kill me and send me to the Great Beyond?

Well, I guess even Asuka can be nice sometimes. Still, knowing her, she's probably just trying to set me up for another insult. "I started when I was five. But I'm still not very good. I have no talent at all."

"Well, perseverance wins the battle. I'm impressed!" She still sounds genuine in her praise. What is this? Ugh, I don't know what to say...

I've never been good at knowing what to say when someone praises me. Especially when that someone is your beautiful, exotic, and fearsomely temperamental roommate.

"I only started because my teachers told me to. But I could've quit anytime."

"So, why didn't you?" Asuka sounds a bit...disappointed? At my refusal to take the bait like I usually do? Or at what I said?

But to answer her question..."Huh? Nobody told me to stop I guess."

"Ugh," she sighs, sounding a bit exasperated as she lays down on the floor of the next room, "I should have known."

It's not unlike her to say something dismissive like that to me, but I definitely sense a hint of disappointment. I guess my reason for playing cello is pretty lame.

As I watch her lay down, until only her sock clad feet are still visible through the open door, I remember that she should still have been on her date at this time. "Hey, you're back early. I thought you were going out to dinner too."

The words come out in a cheerful tone that surprises even myself. I expect her to comment on it, but instead she merely replies, "No, my date was even more boring than you."

I might normally have taken offense to the insult to me...despite knowing that's it's true. But instead, I feel...strangely buoyant...at the sound of her referring to her erstwhile date so derisively.

In that moment, I remember back to when she had first mentioned that she was going on a date...

In addition to my surprise, I had felt a stab of...was it...jealousy?!

I pull back from the questions starting to cloud my mind as I hear Asuka saying that she had left the boy standing in line for the roller coaster while she stole away and headed home. Despite my strange jubilation at Asuka dumping him, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for him...easily able to imagine the humiliation and emptiness I would feel if it were me that had been in his shoes.

"That seems kinda cold," I say, not bothering to disguise my disapproval.

She sighs. "Kaji's the only real man in my life."

"Oh. Okay," is all I say.

But inside, I can't help but feel a a. It of rising exasperation.

'Ugh, of course...Kaji this, Kaji that! Nongoddamn stop! Kaji! Kaji! Kaji! Oh Kaji-san, kiss me beneath the light of the full moon! Walk with me through the cherry blossoms Kaji-sama! Please notice me Kaji-senpai! Baka Shinji-kun, you should be more like Kaji-senpai san sama! Kaji-senpai san sama is the standard by which all men should judge themselves! Like a broken...fucking...record!'

Her obsession with a man nearly old enough to be her father is sometimes genuinely disturbing...sometimes, usually when I've had enough of her bullshit, rather hilarious (though I'd never laugh at her about it to her face...after all, if wanted to die, I'd rather take my chances with letting an Angel kill me)...and other times, it's just sad.

But today...it's just infuriating!

When will she realize that Kaji would never be with someone less than half his age? Ryoji Kaji acts like a Cassanova, but even I know that he wouldn't take advantage of a thirteen year old girl. Why can't she see that?

And of course, there's Misato. She may act like she hates Kaji, but sometimes, I can see her smile when someone mentions him...only when she thinks no one can see it though.

And I know he likes her.

He always seems to brush off her insults and continue flirting shamelessly as if she weren't always glaring and shouting at him.

Of course, Kaji hits on alot of the women here at NERV, but...it's different when he's with Misato. I can tell he actually means what he says to her.

I sigh...adults are confusing.

And so is Asuka, for that matter...

You know...I really can't tell if she hates me or not.

I know she doesn't like me, even if...she does act friendly sometimes...like she did just now. I guess she's just trying to be civil, even though she can't stand me.

Sometimes, though, she'll drop all pretense and become so hostile that I begin to fear for my life...lest I say the wrong thing in front of Her Highness.

I just wish...that she wouldn't always yell at me for every little thing...

I wish...we could just learn to get along...

It would make this awful job a lot more bearable if Asuka was nicer to me and Rei. If she was, we might actually all be friends as well as comrades, and maybe even...well, it's no secret that Asuka is gorgeous, and that she's attracted the attention of nearly all the boys at our school...and I'm no exception.

Indeed, I constantly have to stop myself from gawking at her.

Just like anyone with a healthy sense of self-preservation, I live in fear of the wrath she displays to anyone she decides is being a 'pervert'. Lately though, I've gotten better at just stealing looks when she isn't watching.

It's like looking at the sun...bright, shining, beautiful...yet will probably decide to blind you if you look too long.

Though, I've also noticed that when she does catch me looking, she doesn't get as angry as she did at first. Actually, she hasn't even gotten angry about it recently. She just sees me looking, then turns away...like a normal person would.

Also, now I think about it, she actually HAS been acting nice more often than before. She even made sure to bring Rei along to our celebratory 'steak' (which ended up being ramen) dinner after we beat the Tenth Angel...and I know she dislikes Rei as much as she dislikes me...if not moreso.

If only she could be like that more often...then maybe...I wouldn't be too afraid to tell her...

I know she could never feel the same way about me. But, she...ignites me.

I don't mean in the dirty sort of way! Well, uh...not ONLY in that way, at least. I mean...she makes me push my boundaries...my limits. And it's that...more than her looks even...that have made her the forefront of my dreams; nighttime and daytime fantasy alike...as well as a few nightmares.

The mere thought of her lights a fire both underneath and inside of me that makes me want to be a better Eva pilot...a better person, even. Kind of weird when you consider that she herself isn't exactly...well, she's not a bad person, I guess...

But, you wouldn't think she would inspire anyone to better themselves...unless, of course...you've lived with her as I have been...

But then...there's also the simple reality that she views me as worthless...seemingly no matter how much I try to do better...

Still, for some reason, I keep trying anyway...

And even if she never thinks me worthy of her approval...and even though I know it's a humiliating waste of time to even try, I just can't help...but try anyway.

It's not all bad anyway, really. My cooking, previously rather lackluster, has improved to the point that Asuka has actually complimented me on the quality.

And, it was only after that day that I thought about seriously playing the cello again. I never had the courage to play in front of her, though, figuring she'd just tell me that I was terrible at it. I was even afraid to play it when she was out, fearing that she'd walk in before I had time to put the instrument away, and either yell at me or laugh derisively.

But today, I had just faced my father without running away, and I knew (or rather had been told), that she'd be out late. So, high on my earlier...erm...success in speaking to Father (by which I actually mean not running away)...and figuring I'd have some time, I decided I'd test my luck and get some practice while I could.

As it turned out, of course, she came in far earlier than expected.

But she neither yelled at me, nor mocked my, until now, secret hobby.

She...applauded me. And I'm now beginning to feel that maybe...just maybe...no matter how crazy or irrational it may seem to think so, that she...might have...really meant it...

Maybe, for once...she was really being genuine when she praised me...

If so...I can scarcely believe it. But I want to...

Well then...there may be one way I can be sure it's true...

So...here it goes...

With a great deal of trepidation, I lift my bow, placing it gently against the strings, and begin to play once more.


	4. An Unexpected Left

AN: As of the reorganization of the first two chapters, this segment is now the new beginning of Chapter 2.

Also, as part of this reorganization, Chapter 2 is now 'An Unexpected Left'.

If there are any new readers seeing this, I hope you enjoy the story :)

 _"To pass beyond is what I seek_

 _I fear that I may be too weak_

 _And those are few who've seen it through to glimplse the other side_

 _The promised land is waiting like a maiden that is soon to be a bride_

 _The moment is a masterpiece, the weight of indecision's in the air_

 _It's standing there_

 _The symbol and the sum of all that's me_

 _It's just a travesty, towering, blocking out the light and blinding me_

 _I want to see"_

[MEDIA=youtube]SBMsulQMqm8[/MEDIA]

- **"The Wall"** by Kansas

 **** ** _Chapter 2-An Unexpected Left_**

•5:20 PM, Wednesday October 14, 2015

Electricity...that is how I describe it...

A circuit of vibrating energy flowing from the bow to strings, from strings to fingertips, from fingertips to soul...

My soul...so often just a lonely candle flickering in the rain, is now a mighty pyre crackling with life and vitality, pulsating with every note.

Only when I've been near death in the battles with the Angels have I ever felt so alive; aware of myself as living, breathing entity.

But this...this is different...

In this moment, I am not a frightened creature backed into a corner, forced to fight with an unexpected savagery in order to survive. I feel this way now, because...that is how I have chosen to feel.

I could allow myself to feel worthless and insignificant like I always do...let uncertainty paralyze me, allow despair to fold it's wings around me. But that is not what I choose in this moment...

I choose to let this power fill my every bone, my every nerve, until my flesh sings with it. I choose to bask in the light and warmth of the rising tongues of flame, as they climb higher with the building crescendo resonating within the polished wood.

How, I wonder, is it that I can feel this way?

Is it the music itself?

I never felt this way when playing for my teachers.

So, could it be...

The answer begins to take shape in the glowing inferno now roaring with unquenchable strength before me.

There, in the midst of the dancing flames, is a familiar figure...female, slender, beautiful; long hair streaming down past her shoulders...Asuka. My eyes are wide as I see her turn about within the flames; unwinding, unfurling, dancing within the bright light as it sways and bends with her movements.

She is of the flame...she is the flame...born of the fire...as well as the source from which it radiates.

I understand now...

I-

"No! Stop that! Shut up, damn you!"

Suddenly, the fire dies...the warmth and light evaporating into the cold, uncaring darkness...

And to my horror, the Asuka within the flames emits a horrible shriek of agony as she is extinguished; a hellish sound reminiscent of the scraping of a bow against cello strings.

Coming back to reality, I realize the yelling had come from the next room...

Asuka!

I hurriedly lay the cello on the floor, throwing aside the bow, and run through the open doorway. "Asuka! What's wrong?!"

I see her sitting on the floor, and...

It's unnerving...

I've never seen her like this. I've seen her arrogance falter at times, but never like this...

She looks...frightened and confused?

That's not like her at all...

Then, she turns to look at me. Her face begins to redden visibly with...not anger, exactly, but...embarrassment?

She seems lost for words. I'm not sure what to do or say right now...or even what's wrong with her, but...I'm determined to help...somehow.

After all...

I mustn't run away...

"A-Asuka?" I reach out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

But just before my hand makes contact, she seems to jolt back to reality...and roughly pushes my hand away.

"What, idiot?" she snarls at me. "What do you want?"

Retreating fearfully from her anger, I'm at least grateful that she seems back to normal.

"I-I heard you screaming," I stutter pathetically. "I-I just w-wanted t-to make sure you were okay."

Her lip curls nastily as she responds, "Oh? Is that so? Not that I'd ever need your help anyway, Third Child, but as you can see, I'm fine! So just get out!"

I immediately move to leave, but not before I hear her add, "and put the stupid cello away! It's starting to give me a headache!"

The words pierce me like a white hot poker to the stomach.

So, that's how she really feels about my playing...

I should have known from the start...

I really am no good at all!

Her whole 'nice Asuka' act must have just been to throw me off, so she could put me down at the right moment.

Or maybe she was trying to be nice, but couldn't keep up the charade. Not that it matters anyway...

I'll never play the stupid fucking instrument again! Not in front of her anyway!

It's all I can do not to cry as I turn away and leave the room. Tears begin to spill down my cheeks as I gather up the cello and make my way back to my room; I just pray Asuka didn't see them fall.

Leaning the cello against the wall, I turn my back to the door, and sit resting against it, burying my head in my knees, and wrapping my arms around them...trying to control the emotions surging through me.

With some effort, I choke back the sobs, and allow the pain to recede into a dull ache in my belly.

"Put the stupid cello away! It's starting to give me a headache!"

I keep hearing those words over and over...each word punctuated with another blunt stab of pain and humiliation.

My insides feel as if they are doused in acid...wilting and crumbling away from the memory of Asuka's sneering derision.

Trying to forget the contemptous look in her cold, blue eyes, I curl into myself more tightly until my arms are numb.

Just when I thought I might impress her for once...

I really thought she had meant it when she applauded me, she even smiled at me.

She smiled at me...

She's beautiful no matter what, but when she smiles...

It's like...she's a completely different person...as if the vain, cruel, arrogant girl she usually is doesn't exist. Even if she was only pretending to smile at me, she still seemed to glow for that one moment.

I...I'd give anything to see that again.

To see her smile...at me...

Even if she never stops hating me, I could at least hold on to the memory of her smile from time to time...and remember how wonderful it feels to see her that way.

But...I just don't know how...

When nothing I do is right...nothing I do is good enough...

It turns out that my cello playing is a bust. What else could I do?

Then again...she did say my cooking has improved recently.

Maybe I could try to improve my skill at cooking Western food for her.

I did once make a German dinner for her as an apology...for the time I...uh, almost kissed her while she was sleeping. She hadn't spoken to me for a week after that incident. But when I made that meal, she seemed...happy...and things went back to normal immediately afterward.

And...well now that I think about it...even though Asuka did criticize some of the food...it didn't come across as being mean spirited. It's almost like...she was actually giving me tips on how to improve.

If I want to make something like that for tomorrow though...I don't think there's time to gather all the ingredients I need...

I could maybe do a simple Western breakfast though...

Perhaps tomorrow I can go shopping for eggs and sausage, and surprise her tomorrow morning.

I look up, staring hard at the opposite wall. "I really am an idiot, aren't I?"

The wall does not answer.

Why should I bother? What good will it do?

Sure, she seemed to like the dinner I made her awhile back...

But ultimately...even though she stopped giving me the silent treatment, nothing else changed after that.

I mean...am I so desperate for some kind of praise from her that I'd be willing to risk a repeat of what happened today?

Sure, she decided to be nice and compliment me on my cello playing...but it's not like she really meant it...

Or have I forgotten why I'm cowering in my room right now...

Who's to say the same thing won't happen if I try to get better at cooking?

Maybe she only pretended to like what I made...

Maybe she did appreciate the gesture for what it was...but that doesn't mean it will work again. It was probably a one-time thing, and nothing more...

Just accept it...she's NEVER going to feel the way I do! She doesn't even like me, damnit! She hates me, or at the very least thinks I'm worth less than the dirt on her shoe! And she's not afraid to show it, either, so why continue to delude myself into thinking any of that could change?

To her, I'll always be nothing more than the worthless, stupid, ugly, inadequate, cowardly Third Child...and I'm a damn fool if I think...or even just hope...that cooking her a nice meal will suddenly change that!

I sigh...resigned to the truth..."I guess I'm a damn fool then."

And, I begin to wonder how much link sausage costs and where I could find it.


	5. An Unexpected Left (pt2)

AN: This segment, formerly the second half of Chapter 1, is now the second segment of Chapter 2.

What has NOT changed is that this is where our major divergence from canon Evangelion occurs :)

This is where the titular 'Unexpected Left' takes place.

Enjoy :)

•10:47 PM

After about an hour of standing in the steady curtain of hot water, I actually start to wash myself. Here, in the blissful privacy of cleansing steam, away from the prying eyes of the public, Hikari, Misato, stupid Shinji, and all of NERV, I can think more clearly, without fear of being questioned, should my face betray any weakness or uncertainty.

So...now that I'm away from the commotion and judgment of the world outside, I can finally ask myself...why?

Why did I explode at Shinji earlier? Me being mad at Shinji is nothing new, but this time was different. Usually it's because he's being an idiot or a pervert, or apologizing for no reason.

But this time...he was just peacefully playing his cello. I was even enjoying it! And when I randomly freaked out, he was just worried. Damn it! I actually...feel bad now...

Well...I don't know how...but I'll make it up to the idiot, at some point.

Maybe I could tell him that I was kidding about having the headache, or something...and allow him the honor of serenading me from time to time. That'll probably cheer him up.

Perhaps...if I'm ever able to win Kaji over someday and coax him into a candlelit dinner, maybe Shinji could play for us; set a lovely mood. Although...that's probably not going to happen for quite some time yet...and there's also Shinji's own feelings to consider...

Though...come on, surely he must know by now that it just isn't going to happen...ever...

Shinji's an idiot, yes...but surely not THAT much of one...

Still...maybe the least I could do is help hook him up someday. Certainly, I wouldn't ask him to entertain Kaji and I if he were still hung up on me like that...I'm not a cruel person, after all.

For some reason though, the thought of trying to divert the Third Child's attention elsewhere makes me feel weary...sad even.

Eh...probably because I know it'll be a chore. After all, this is ME that I have to find a substitute for.

And, of course...Shinji himself IS rather hopeless when it comes to relating to others...and I both pity and admire the poor, unfortunate girl that decides to try her luck with it.

But, truthfully...I do kind of owe him for a lot of the crap I've put him through, since he hasn't always deserved it when I've gotten angry with him...so, this could be my way of making it up to him, since he's almost always been nice to me, no matter what.

And I'll give it my best shot...after all The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu never half-asses anything...not even if it's for someone else!

I smile to myself, satisfied with this plan, as I shut off the water and reach for a towel.

Several minutes later, dressed, but still toweling off my hair, I make my way into the kitchen, where I can hear Shinji holding a one-sided conversation. Misato's calling, I think to myself. She's out drinking with MY man as we speak, and she'd better not be calling for the reason I think she is.

"Right. Yeah. Sure," Shinji says into the receiver and ends the call as I walk in to the room.

"Hmm, Misato?" I ask, as Shinji turns to face me. "Yeah. She'll be late, so don't wait up for her."

Those words make my stomach drop like a stone in a well.

"What?! You mean she won't be back until tomorrow morning?"

'No no no! This can't happen!'

Alright, just calm down; maybe it's not as bad as I think. Maybe Kaji already went home, and Misato and the bottle blonde, Akagi, are going bar hopping, or something. Hell, maybe if Misato spends the night at Akagi's place, she'll even send Kaji here to look after us. That's still a possibility, right? And maybe...Kaji will prove more persuadable when-

That hope lasts a split second before..."I doubt it, she's going out with Kaji," Shinji replies, and a wave of horror rises inside of me.

I'm vaguely aware of myself saying something along the lines of, "are you dense?! That guarantees it!"

But my mind is rapidly filling with images that make me want to run and scream and cry.

My beloved Kaji holding Misato in his arms beneath a cloudless, starry sky; Kaji's eyes gazing lovingly into hers...their lips meet as that purple-haired slut giggles lasciviously and moans with pleasure...

Next...I see Kaji opening a bedroom door for the two of them, a mischievous glint in his eye...her expression positively ravenous...as the door closes, and-

I don't know how long ago I moved to sit at the table...how long ago I put my head down into my folded arms...and began to shut out the world around me in a dark haze. I seem to recall Shinji timidly asking me what was wrong, to which I groaned a non-articulate response. He then muttered something about hoping I'd feel better, then walked away.

It's strange though...knowing that Kaji has chosen Misato over me should hurt more...but it doesn't.

I mean...I do feel angry, sad, and disgusted...but not as much as I expected to feel.

I thought being rejected by the love of my life would utterly destroy me...leaving me a hollow shell. But, despite how I feel now...somehow, I know that I'll get by.

And maybe...no definitely, I knew this day was coming. Deep down, I think I always knew Kaji would choose Misato; and I think I've known it since the day when they reunited on the Over The Rainbow. I've just been...deluding myself this whole time...that Kaji would come to love me back.

Far from feeling simple acceptance of the facts, however...I feel a dawning sense of hopelessness...

Who could EVER love me?

Kaji was the one person I thought might be able to do that impossible task...

It's not like I need anyone, but still...

Maybe it's better this way, for Kaji and me both.

As loath as I am to admit it, Misato really does care about him, and maybe...she'd be better for him.

That's what it really means to love someone, doesn't it? To want what's best for them?

Ugh! The thought of just forgetting about Kaji and leaving him to Misato makes me ill just thinking about it! But I know I must, if I really do love him. And I do...don't I?

After my good for nothing father walked out of my life, Ryoji Kaji was the one man in my life to actually treat me the way I'd always been taught to expect a man to treat me...despite the fact that I made his early days as my guardian an utter hell on earth for him, simply because I thought he was just another worthless adult foisted on me by NERV to make me behave; one who would, like all the others had, just give up and throw me away when I caused too much trouble...and also, just because he was a male...the first and only one of my guardians to be so...

For the crime of having a Y chromosome, I gave him a worse time of it than any of the others before him. And yet...he never gave up, he didn't run away, and always tried to be kind to me. And eventually, I let myself trust him.

I've always loved him for that...for putting up with me, and still genuinely caring about me...even though he knew, better than anyone, how horrible I could be...

As I got older, I began to take note of just how attractive the man was. I had seen men who were better looking, though not many were, but this was more than lust.

I could trust him, open my heart to him...I felt that I could share myself with Kaji in ways that I could not with anyone else. He knew my past, knew from the start how worthless I actually am...yet willingly stayed by my side.

This zenith of manhood somehow found something to value in me...when my own parents couldn't.

No one else could be worthy of me after that...

No one in this wretched world could stand beside my beloved Ryoji.

However, my attraction to him was not without its shallow and selfish facets as well, I'm ashamed to say. Even as I was falling in love, I thought that I could never be worthy of the man, but was resigned to live in celibacy rather than settle for anyone else. Then, the passing years morphed my body into the lovely specimen seen today; and all those around me...began to take note.

Naturally, I rebuffed all of them. Utter peasantry compared to the king who had my heart.

That said, I DID take their admiration to heart...

And I began to realize that as long as I could dazzle the world with my mere presence in a room, no one would ever see the real me...the worthless, abandoned child.

Seeing how many people, such as celebrities, used their relationships to raise their public status intrigued me. If I could publicly display that a man like Kaji had fallen for me...

On top of my status as one of the elite pilots for the Eva Program, and my reputation as a prodigy who was attending college at age 11, I knew that my status in the world would be all but unassailable. Given that I was such an extraordinary individual, I was sure that, eventually, most people would come to see me as an adult anyway, and thus the usual age difference taboo that stood in my way wouldn't matter to anyone who had the power to separate us.

Of course, the boost to my social standing would merely be a bonus, since I knew I really did love him, and that he cared for me in turn.

But when I made my move, I couldn't make him look at me, no matter what I did. Not the way I wanted him to...not the way he looks at Misato...not the way my father looked at that whore of a doctor...not the way Hikari and Jock Stooge look at eachother when they think no one's watching...not even the way stupid Shinji sometimes looks at fucking Wondergi-

Huh...now where did that come from?

Aside from being unable to complete any train of thought the moment I think of Shinji and Wondergirl togeth-

'Okay, seriously...what the shit is happening here?!'

Whenever...THAT thought...crops up, I start getting angry to the point that I visibly lose my composure.

It's almost like...

If I didn't know better...

Am I feeling...jealous?

'Jealous?' a part of me thinks incredulously. 'Of what...of who? Wondergirl?! Don't make me laugh! So what? Stupid Shinji wants to gawk at the creepy doll bitch? Fine with...'

Fine...with...

F-fine...w-

But no sooner do I think those words...

A crashing wave of revulsion makes me clench my fists and grit my teeth in unbidden fury.

'What's happening to me?'

Looking up at last, I look around to locate Shinji, and find him sitting against the doorway of the adjacent room, placidly reading a manga, and listening to his SDAT player.

'Jealous? Come on! Wondergirl could be here in this room right now, and it wouldn't mean a thing to you...'

Mentally, I envision the pale, blue-haired girl sitting next to stupid Shinji...her arms draped lazily about his narrow shoulders, eyes drooping as she rests her head against his neck.

And again, my stomach burns and clenches with loathing at the thought.

'W-well...of course you find it repulsive! A-after all...if they want to be all disgustingly lovey-dovey, they could at least have the decency to take it to somewhere more private and-'

But the image of that last thought does nothing to reassure me in the slightest...

Could it be...?

There's one way to know for sure...

'Ugh! I hate having to give in to you like this, you know? Fine, let's get this over with...'

I imagine the same scene as before...except that I've replaced Wondergirl...with myself...

And I wait a moment for the expected wave of disgust...

...and wait...

But...it doesn't come...

Instead I feel...a pleasant jangling of the nerves where I imagine myself making contact with Shinjii...

And I begin to envision his own arms encircling my waist...

My eyes are widening as my face starts to feel faintly warm, and my heart begins to pound faster...

I've only ever felt this way...around Kaji.

'This...this isn't right! No one but Kaji can do this to me, dammit! Nobody! Especially not the Third Child! The whiny, sniveling, weak, stupid Third Child...

 _...who mastered that stupid dance program with me, despite all the abuse it got him, to defeat the Seventh Angel...who jumped his Eva into a volcano, without the protection of the diving gear my Eva had, to rescue me after I fought the Eighth Angel...and, even if it didn't involve rescuing or helping me directly, it WAS pretty impressive how he caught and held up by himself, for a moment at least, the gargantuan Tenth Angel; not only the largest Angel we've yet seen, but also one who's very SPECIALTY was hurling itself to the Earth in a suicide attack..._

I wonder to myself...

Have I been wrong this whole time?

Misjudged him? Perhaps...purposefully so...by downplaying his achievements while trying to convince myself that he is second rate to bolster my own ego?

I frown slightly, laying the left side of my head against the table, glaring at Shinji.

'This is stupid! All this uncertainty buzzing around in my head is ruining my focus! I am the Pilot of Evangelion Unit 02 goddamn it! I'm the best in the world at what I do, and this petulant, childish nonsense is beneath me!'

I begin to develop a bold new strategy to deal with this...insanity...inside of me.

'And on the subject of romance...Kaji may be 'spoken for'...at least until that bitch runs out on him again...but he is the ONLY man worthy of my affections! I'd sooner die waiting for him, than replace him with ANYONE! And to prove that stupid Shinji could never take his place, I'll go ahead and kiss the idiot...here and now!

I let none of these furiously churning thoughts show on my face...keeping my expression at a pensive frown as I put an arm under my head to cushion it...and continue to stare at the boy across the room.

'If part of me wants to fawn over the Third Child so damn much, fine! I'll make sure that part of me is in for one hell of a rude awakening! Surely, I'll be so disgusted when I actually kiss him...that afterwards, NO part of me will ever even CONSIDER wanting him again! And that'll set this whole mess to rest for good.'

 _Yes, I expect it will..._

'Nip it! It's bad enough that you're forcing me to do this, so quit being so goddamn smug!'

 _Why shouldn't I be? We're about to do what should have been done at least a month ago._

'And you're about to experience the worst disappointment of your life! And I can't wait to say 'I told you so'. Being able to say that to you...to myself...is the only reason I even consider doing this...no other reason...n-none! That is my only purpose with this undertaking!'

 _Well, you seem aaawwfully sure of yourself on that, to say the least...now, enough talk. Go get him-_

'Don't you dare say-'

 _-Tiger!_

'Grrrrrr!'

 _That's the spirit, you're even growling like one! That's adorable!_

'I hate you.'

 _And I'm still waiting to be 'supremely disappointed'. Nobody's perfect._

I tap my left index finger on the table, trying to decide how best to broach the subject. But, unable to think of anything better than the direct approach...I throw caution to the wind.

"Hey Shinji. You wanna kiss me?"

"Eh? What?!" He pulls out his earbuds, looking bewildered.

"Kissing," I repeat patiently, "you know. Have you ever done it?"

He sort of...nods...but seems to say "Uh uh" at the same time.

Deciding not to linger on the ambiguous answer, I push forward. "So let's do it!"

Shinji looks genuinely shocked now...and more than a little mistrustful. "Uh? But why?"

'Seriously, you're going to question this? Any other boy in your position wouldn't need an explanation.'

Knowing, of course, that I can't tell him the real reason, I simply say "I've got nothing else to do."

"That's your reason?" He looks away, as he audibly mutters, "You're weird..."

'Oh, I'm weird Third Child?! I'm the fucking weird one?! Fine then! Wanna play hard-to-get hardball with me? I'll bring out the big guns, you little shit!'

"Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death?"

Okay, even I have to admit that's more than a little underhanded of me to say...but I press on.

"Is she watching you from up in heaven?" I use my most sweetly nettling voice for maximum effect.

Shinji, for his part, looks a bit stung by this low blow...but surprisingly maintains his composure. "That's not it."

I then play my second trump card. "Or," I smirk at him imperiously, "are you just scared?"

He glares at me as he stands up. "I'm not afraid! Pucker up!"

Well...that's unusually assertive for him.

 _I could get used to a little more of that..._

I must have really gotten under his skin by suggesting he was afraid.

"Right. Did you brush your teeth?"

He affirms that he has.

"Then here I come," I say as I walk towards him.

His face is blank, but I can feel the tension building with every step I take forward, until I'm standing there...right in front of him.

For a moment, neither of us make a move. Then...I start to lean forward, as he visibly braces himself, and I can see that his face is bright red...and that he looks unsure of what to do.

'Not afraid huh?' I think to myself, scoffing at his earlier bravado.

But just when my lips are about to make contact...I pause, truly uncertain for the first time since I made up my mind...

I'm not sure I can do this...

Verdammt, I'm scared too! But why? I know exactly how this is going to go.

'It'll be disgusting, then Shinji will no longer be a distraction or disruption in my life!'

But what if I'm wrong, and...I actually like it, I wonder? What then? And what if...what if HE thinks it's disgusting?

What if he finds this...and me...repulsive, and just stands there like a statue until one of us has had enough? How will I feel then?!

I...I'm not sure I want to know. I'm not sure I can go on with this anymore...

The tickling of Shinji's shallow breathing bring me back to reality...and I narrow my eyes slightly, as I make my final decision.

'You know what, if this is going to be an unpleasant experience for me, then why should he enjoy it? I'm not doing this for him after all, this is for MY peace of mind! Whatever he gets out of this means NOTHING to me!'

"Stop breathing, it's tickling me," I say as I raise my right hand, and pinch his nose shut.

His eyes widen, the pupils shrinking visibly, as I then close the final distance, and our lips meet at last.

I wait for the disgust to overpower me, and make me push him away. And wait, and wait, and...nothing. But I feel, something. His lips are soft against mine and...pleasant.

A tingling sensation is radiating from my lips and spreading rapidly through my body, as I begin to disconnect from the room around us...and...

Mein...Gott...

I...I...like this.

By all rules of logic, this is absurd, ridiculous, and yet, I know what I feel. Have I really been lying to myself this whole time? I must have been.

Somewhere inside, I know I should let go of Shinji's nose if I want this to go on, lest he break it off to take a breath, but I'm afraid of breaking the spell cast upon me for even a moment. And yet, I wish...

 _Why won't you hold me? Why do you just stand there holding your breath, you idiot? If you want this, show me! Don't just stand there...be a man, damn you!_

And, almost as if it were in response to the hopeless plea forming in my rapidly fogging brain...for a moment, I imagine his left hand gripping my right wrist, and pulling it forcefully off of his nose, and a gentle warmth encircling me from my left as his right arm wraps around my waist, pulls me closer and...

I open my eyes...

And what I see...almost makes me break the kiss in surprise. He is even nearer than before, his eyes now closed contentedly. My hand, no longer fastened over his nose, is held gently in his left, and as I look out of the corner of my eye, I see that he has embraced me with his free right arm.

What?

The air seems to vanish from my lungs.

What?

The tingling I felt before has turned to numb shock.

What?

'But, you're a wimp, a spineless coward. How can you do this? How can you be doing this to me?!'

Then I wonder...

Doing, what, to me, exactly?

And it's then that silent, inarticulate question of 'what' begins to morph into a different word altogether.

Yes...

And with this single, jubilant word, the numbness is replaced, all over, by pulsating heat...a glorious tension at his touch is filling my chest, making my heart pound faster until it seems to erupt from my ribs.

All the doubts and uncertainties begin to melt away, slowly, almost lovingly...until all that remains is a joyful radiance; and an almost terrifying hunger...

And yet, I can hardly feel my arms, as I slowly try to lift them to return the embrace...and also steady myself, as my legs are rapidly weakening beneath me.

Even as I place my hands upon his shoulders, I can feel the warmth in my face and chest spread outward and then downward...there is no longer any denying it.

If there is anything surrounding us, it isn't real. The floor beneath us, isn't real. Nothing is real anymore. Not even...that older guy with the stubble and the ponytail.. Ryo- something or another?

Nothing is real now, but his lips and mine, and the sensations filling the the empty space.

I...I never...want this moment to end.

"And, yet...it will someday," a dark, mocking voice inside me sneers. "Someday, even stupid Shinji will see through your pathetic facade."

Shut up.

"Give in to this moment of weakness, and you may be happy for a time," the voice has no face...yet it's tone smiles wickedly, "but once you're laid bare before him, he'll see you for what you really are."

Go away!

"He'll run away. He's a coward. He always has been, and always will be. He'd never commit to someone so broken, so empty, so fake, so...", the voice smiles wider still, "replaceable..."

And now, a new vision tears asunder the haze of ecstasy in which I was so happily immersed...

And 'I' see Shinji...older now, and more handsome than I ever could have imagined him being, walking away from 'me'...just like Papa.

'My' eyes fill with tears as 'I' crumple, sobbing, pathetic and wretched, to 'my' knees.

'So...this...is what I would become?'

"Help me", 'I' whisper. "Help me."

My lips curl into a snarl as I watch the older version of myself begin to fall apart. 'Pathetic.'

"HELP ME!" Suddenly, the self that observe begins screaming, mad with despair, losing all semblance of control. "Don't leave me! Don't abandon me!"

The pain is more than I can bear, and I feel as though I will die here and now.

But is it...my pain?

"DON'T KILL ME!"

The older Shinji stops, and turns around for just a moment. Long enough to see that his cold eyes are as pitiless and unyielding as those of another man he greatly resembles.

And I hear his answer...a single word. "No".

Then, he turns to the side, and walks towards someone else, standing nearby, looking as if she has been waiting just for him. He takes her in his arms and embraces her, looking happier than he ever has in the time 'I' have known him.

Through 'my' tear clouded, anguished eyes, 'I' realize something...

I recognize the woman...and how could I not? She has blue hair, and red eyes...

I HATE YOU!


	6. An Unexpected Left (pt3)

AN: Alright fellas, are you ready for this? Because, here it comes!

This...this here is the TRUE diversion point. Obviously, we saw what happens in Asuka's POV...but it was Shinji's actions that have made the change. Shinji 'veered left' at the crossroads of his destiny...and this is the beginning of a new pathway.

So...I hope you all enjoy this as much as I loved writing it.

Here it goes :)

•11:18 PM

After returning from the market an hour ago, I had sat down at the kitchen table to read a manga Kensuke had lent to me.

Meanwhile, Asuka, judging by the sound of running water from the bathroom when I had walked in the door...had STILL been in the shower!

She'd been in there since a quarter to ten...around the same time I'd left to go to the only reasonably nearby store I knew of that had a decent variety of Western foodstuffs. Thankfully, they stay open late...

I was a little concerned that she was still in there when I got back an hour later. I almost...went to check on her...

Asuka taking a long time in the shower is nothing too new...but this time was longer than usual...

But knew that I'd probably be signing my death warrent by doing so...

So I let her alone.

About twenty some minutes after I'd walked in the door with my purchases, the water finally shut off, and I heard her walk out. And I found myself feeling relieved...both that she was alright, and that I had avoided making a suicidal move for nothing.

Looking over at the the clock, I see that it is now 11:20.

Misato has been out for awhile now...

Surely the wedding must be over by this point. But, if it isn't...I wouldn't be surprised if Misato decided to stay until they threw her out, just so she could take full and complete advantage of the open bar.

I sigh, rolling my eyes. "I just hope she doesn't overdo it...again," I mutter bitterly, remembering the the two weddings that she attended earlier this year...

The first one, on June 16 (exactly one week after I'd first arrived in Tokyo 3) had ended with Misato having to crash at Ritsuko's place, and she'd arrived back home at about 5am the following day, still not entirely sober. I'd been more worried than annoyed that time.

The second time...had been a little more harrowing. August 15, two weeks and a day before I met Asuka, Misato hadn't crashed elsewhere...but I found myself wishing that she had.

Before, I had found myself missing Misato when she'd slept off her drinking at Ritsuko's. But I soon discovered that it was better for my own health and sanity NOT to have to deal with her when she was completely blitzed to hell.

That night...an unusually hot and uncomfortably humid one, even by the standards of post-Impact Japan's actual summer...at about ten pm, I was summoned to the door over the intercom by a slightly panicky Maya Ibuki begging for help with Misato.

Opening the door, I was greeted by a sweaty and exhausted Maya...and a near catatonic Misato...who promptly vomited...all over the doorstep. Getting THAT out of the groove the door slides on had proven to be the least frustrating aspect of that evening.

Aside from cleaning up all the vomit...and by god there was a fucking metric ton of...something...inside that woman's stomach...

I also had to deal with Misato herself...

She oscillated between gleefully (and horribly) singing mangled karaoke songs...and crying uncontrollably. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I preferred the latter. At least I didn't need to clamp my hands over my ears to keep them from bleeding...

Worse though, was where she had gone almost completely quiet...

Her breathing had slowed rapidly...first becoming eeirily shallow and slow...then...just as disquietingly...ragged and irregular.

I then noticed how cold her skin was becoming...and began to remember something from a mandatory anti-drug seminar that my class had attended back in elementary school...

They had, after all, covered the symptoms of alcohol poisoning.

While waiting for the ambulance...something truly disturbing had happened.

Misato began to mumble incessantly. Most of it was incoherently slurred, but I was able to pick out a few words here and there...

"Help..."

"It's killing everyone..."

"Everyone's dead...oh god"

"I can't breathe...so much blood..."

"What are you?"

"Why..."

"Dr. Ångström is..."

"Daddy..."

"Chest...torn open...losing so much bl-"

But that last bit had been silenced by something worse.

Misato's face had suddenly contorted into a mask of horror...and she began to scream; horrible, bloodcurdling cries of terror, while clamping her hands desperately over her ears like a vice.

In between wordless shrieking, she screamed "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Even after I obediently and fearfully fell silent, she kept on screaming at...someone...or something...that I couldn't see or hear.

Just as the paramedics has burst in...she had begun to sob, still clamping her hands over her ears, begging, "someone, anyone...make it stop, please!"

I spent that night in the hospital, waiting by Misato's side.

Mercifully, she was silent from that point on. And when she woke up, she was more less back to normal...albeit rather embarrassed to have needed to go to to hospital...and apologetic towards me.

"Ugh...looks like I really overdid it, huh?"

"..."

She had turned to me with a rather impish grin and said, "luckily, I have such a virtuous knight in shining armor by my side to look after me."

I must have blushed at that, because Misato giggled a little, the way she always does when she gets a rise out of me with her teasing.

With a small sigh, she went on, "you're a good kid Shinji. Don't ever change."

"R-right."

We were both quiet for awhile after that.

Then she said, much more seriously then before, "I'm...sorry Shinji."

"Huh?"

"You must've had a rough night, thanks to me. I'm really sorry to have put you through that."

'As you should be', I thought bitterly to myself.

But I was also ashamed of feeling that way...after all, most of me was just relieved that Misato was alright.

"N-no problem."

"I...uh, hope I wasn't too much trouble."

"..."

"Shinji?"

"U-uh n-no M-miss Misato. Y-you were f-fine."

She had smiled at that.

Though...

She was quiet for a long time, and spent the next few minutes staring at the ceiling...her expression seemed pensive...and kind of sad...ashamed maybe...

When we left several hours later, she was more subdued than usual. And when we arrived home, and saw the vomit I hadn't been able to clean yet, she insisted on cleaning it up herself.

It was strange, to say the least...though not as strange as what happened next.

Over the next few weeks, there was a small...but noticeable nonetheless decrease in the number of beer cans I routinely cleaned up. And after about a month, the brand began to change...

The Yebisu cans were gradually by steadily replaced by Boa cans...

I knew the latter brand to be somewhat more expensive...so I guess that's why there was a decrease.

Though...that wouldn't explain the initial decrease in Yebisu cans...

'Maybe even Misato is capable of some self-control?'

I smile a little at that.

'Also...at least Kaji AND Ritsuko are both there to look after her this time.'

Hopefully, if they do bring her back here, they'll only do so knowing that she'll be alright afterwards.

'Ah well. Here's hoping...'

Just as my mind begins to focus on the manga once more, a loud noise interrupts...

The phone is ringing.

'Probably Misato,' I think to myself, as I walk over to answer the call.

Sure enough, when I pick up the phone, a familiar and rather slurred voice says, "Hey, Shinji? It's me."

"Hi," I respond, wondering wryly...and not without a touch of apprehension...just how many drinks she's had tonight.

"I'm gonna be out drinking with Kaji," she continues. "Don't wait up for me, okay?"

'Well, can't say I didn't see that coming.'

"Okay."

"And don't get to bed too late, alright?"

'Maybe you should listen to yourself once in awhile.'

"Right. Yeah. Sure." And with that, I end the call...hoping that this time, she'll at least spare me an evening at the hospital.

As I hang up the phone, I hear Asuka enter the room.

"Hmm, Misato?", she inquires.

"Yeah. She'll be late, so don't wait up for her."

At these words, she looks mortified. "What? You mean she won't be back until tomorrow morning?"

"I doubt it, she's going out with Kaji."

She looks at me with mingled frustration and incredulity. "Are you dense? That guarantees it!"

It doesn't take long for me to get the picture. So Asuka must think Misato and Kaji are going to spend the night together.

And given how she feels about Kaji...

I look over at her. She's sitting at the table, her head buried in her folded arms.

Walking over to her, I ask, "Asuka, what's wrong?"

She just groans inarticulately in response.

"Uh, I- um, hope you feel better soon."

She says nothing and doesn't even indicate that she heard me at all. Now I know for sure that this is really bothering her. Normally, she'd have probably yelled at me to 'fuck off.'

Is she really in so much pain over this, that she's not even bothering to lash out at me?

I guess I shouldn't really feel sorry for her, but...I know how she must be feeling.

After all, I know what it's like to want someone who will never want you in return...

I wonder if I should say something more...and really try...to help her feel better.

I walk over, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder...then immediately withdraw it, remembering what happened last time.

'Why bother?'

Why not let her stew in her misery?

You're not obligated to help her!

And she'd never do the same for you, probably just laugh at you and call you an idiot like she always does. Besides, it might be for her own good anyway. It might help her get over this stupid obsession with Kaji...

I glare down at her, feeling a mixture of grim satisfaction...and guilt for feeling that way.

'Still,' I think to myself, 'she's still a human being like me, and she has feelings. I know she'll probably just blow me off, but...I should at least TRY to say something to help her feel better.'

But what?

In the end, my nerve failed me, and I let her sit there being miserable.

Part of me feels disgusted, but...I don't even know what I would've said anyway...

'How can I help?'

I have no answer for that.

So, I do what I normally do when the world throws an unsolvable problem my way...and retrieve my SDAT player.

Plugging into the music and reading the manga, I tune out the ugly, confusing world around me...except for a red needle jabbing at the corner of my eye.

Glancing sideways, I see that Asuka hasn't moved at all, and wonder if she's fallen asleep.

Either way...deciding that she won't be looking up any time soon, I take the rare opportunity to actually look at her without fear of painful retribution.

"She really is beautiful," I think to myself. Even when she's at her lowest, I just can't help but look at her.

A sentiment that quickly evaporates when I see her stirring, and beginning to raise her head.

I hurriedly bury myself in the manga again, noticing as I do so...that her eyes are fixed upon me.

I spend the next several minutes trying my best to act as if I don't notice her gaze...wondering if she noticed me looking at her...

And if I'm about to get punished for daring to do s-

"...-ji, you wanna kiss me?"

What...?

I just imagined that...right?

"Huh? What?!"

"Kissing...you know," she responds. "Have you ever done it?"

Nope, that's what she said...I'm definitely not hallucinating, but...

I'm so dumbfounded, that I'm unsure whether or not vague memories of kissing my mother counts when it comes to answering her question.

In my confusion, I nod my head while at the same time saying "uh uh" to state, truthfully that I haven't kissed a girl my age.

Seemingly untroubled by the dubious answer, Asuka sits straight up in her chair, a oddly...avid...look on her face.

"So, let's do it."

I recoil in surprise...as well as fear.

What the hell is happening?

What game is she playing now?! I'm terrified of finding out.

"Uh? But why?"

"I've got nothing else to do," she responds loftily.

Just boredom then?

I guess I should have seen that coming.

"That's your reason? You're weird."

I expect her to give it up, but with a smug expression, she says, "Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death?"

Her voice takes on a mock baby tone. "Is she watching you from up in heaven?"

That's a low blow even for her...

But, managing to keep my composure and swallow the spark of rage ignited by her slight about my mother, I simply respond, truthfully, "That's not it."

'I just don't want to play your stupid game,' I think bitterly.

"Or," she turns to look right at me, smirking, "are you scared?"

Something in my heart hardens...and I feel the anger I held back at first rise and uncoil like a rearing cobra.

I don't know why I'm taking the bait now, when I know I'm falling right into her hands.

Maybe, I just don't care anymore.

Maybe, I just want to shut her up.

Maybe the only way to do that is to play along. Either way, I'll show her!

Glaring at her, I rise to my feet. "I'm not afraid! Pucker up!"

"Right," she responds, sounding oddly eager and maybe...relieved?

"Did you brush your teeth?"

I nod my head. "Yeah."

"Then here I come." And she walks brazenly towards me, until she stands directly in front of me.

For a moment, she does nothing, staring blankly at me. She seems almost...unsure?

Then, slowly, she leans towards me...and I feel my face growing hot.

A fog seems to gather in my brain, and I suddenly can't remember where we are.

'This is a dream,' I think wildly. 'This a dream, and I'm going to wake up any moment now!'

I shut my eyes, bracing myself for the moment I am torn away from this fantasy, and fall back into reality. It's unusually realistic this time...

I open my eyes. Asuka's cerulean irises look back at me.

This is real?

'This is REAL?!'

Asuka's next words snap me out of my moment of uncertainty. "Stop breathing, it's tickling me."

My eyes widen at the words...and before I can even respond, the fingers of her right hand pinch my nose shut, hard.

And she closes the remaining distance, until our lips...meet.

I've only ever seen this happen in my dreams, but this isn't at all like I hoped it would be.

The kiss is clumsy and uncomfortable, and not just because my nose is clamped shut.

But, I still don't...want it to stop. This could be my chance. My chance to show her...to tell her...

I'm feeling...something.

A sense of vertigo, seeping into my brain, filling it with static, freezing the air in my chest, and making my legs wobble beneath me...

Oh, right...oxygen deprivation.

My hands are contorting at my sides as I struggle to breathe without breaking the kiss.

'Think, dammit, THINK! You have two free hands here, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM! DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU PASS OUT OR DIE OR WORSE, BREAK THE KISS!'

Suddenly, it hits me. I know what I need to do.

The memory of what I've seen in movies is clear in my otherwise blank mind.

Embrace her.

Show her you want this.

'And for crying out loud, pull her hand off your nose!'

But, I'm afraid.

I'm too scared.

She'll break the kiss herself and then kill me for 'being a pervert!'

Then that'll be it. She'll never kiss me again, and she'll hate me more than ever.

M-maybe if I just wait it out, she'll be the one to embrace ME...to let me know it's okay to do the same to her.

'And what if she doesn't?', the voice inside questions. 'What if...? What if she's waiting for YOU to show HER it's okay to embrace you?'

But that's impossible!

She'd never want that from me!

And if she does, why can't SHE show it? Why can't SHE just be open about it?

'I don't know', the voice responds. 'But I think you should try. If this is a once in a lifetime chance...then you have nothing to lose.'

Seriously, have you not felt her right hook before?! This has DEATHWISH written all over it!

'THEN MAYBE, JUST THIS ONCE, ITS WORTH THE RISK! Now start by raising your left hand, and...'

My left hand firmly removes her right from my nose, and continues to hold it gently by the palm.

Curiously, despite taking a deep breath and then exhaling through my nose directly into Asuka's face, she does NOT break the kiss, nor give any sign of wanting to.

Almost instinctively, I feel my right arm rise tentatively, and encircle her slender waist.

For a moment, I just feel...numb.

Did I just...

Did I do that?

Was that...me?

Is this me?

Is this her?

Are we really...

Are we...doing this?

Then, it starts to all come together in my mind.

And with that revelation...comes a feeling I'd only thought possible in dreams.

Only...more wonderous then could have been dreamed of.

It's more that just the sensation of our mouths pressed together and our bodies standing so close...and even more than just the...uh...stirring...I feel at the base of my abdomen.

It's...completion.

The tension inside of me...once the chains that helds me fast...once the ache that crippled me...is now the wind within my wings as I rise above my prison...the ceiling of iron grey clouds that had once made me hide in fear of the storm to come.

That same fire I felt when playing the cello is consuming every nerve...every thought...every beat of my racing heart...every emotion pouring from my soul is wreathed in the warm glow.

I no longer see the room...the floor...the walls...

There is only her...

There is only me...

There is only...us.

I take in her every feature in a way I never have before...

Her thin yet shapely form...graceful and elegant...her face; so full of confidence and so beautiful as to make one look twice...her red hair; exotic, fragrant with the odor of strawberry and balsam, always flaring out and seeming to glide tantalizingly in even the gentlest wind...her eyes; cerulean, usually cold and forbidding, but when she smiles, shining like the ocean's surface in the evening sun.

If this moment should end...and I know it must at some time, that is what I want to see most...a smile from her.

If I can see that just once more, I'll never want for anything else in this world.

It's then that I feel her left hand on my shoulder.

I feel it's gentle heat through my t-shirt.

I can also feel it trembling, as if she's unsure if it belongs there. I squeeze her right hand gently to let her know that it's okay, and the trembling subsides.

And slowly, she pulls her hand free from mine, and places it on my other shoulder.

And...pulling even closer together when my left arm joins the other at her waist, we stand there...lost in the moment...for how long, I do not know.

Suddenly, I feel her murmuring beneath the kiss, and her body begins to tense up.

The gentle weight of her hands on my shoulders becomes greater as she begins to clench them fretfully.

Opening my eyes, I see that her eyes are closed tightly in an expression of...

Terror?

Disgust?

I step back, releasing her waist...

And our lips are parted...

For a moment, her arms are aloft right where they held my shoulders, seeming to almost...reach out plaintively...before they drop to her sides...and clench into fists.

And before I can say anything...

Or even start to form the words in my mind...

She opens her mouth in a scream, and three words emerge...

"I HATE YOU!"


	7. Fallout

Well fellas, it's not Tuesday yet...but I feel that you've all waited long enough :)

So here it is, the first segment of Chapter 3. Though, fair warning...given what's about to happen...I'm REALLY not sure you're going to thank me for this.

Strap yourselves in...it's about to get a little rough.

 _"Deserted again_

 _You speak to me through the shadows_

 _Walking in closed rooms_

 _Using cold words_

 _Captured by the night_

 _The yearning escapes from my embrace"_

 _"Credence in my word_

 _Written in dust, tainted by memories_

 _I confess my hope, recognize my loneliness"_

Nt5_yybG9f4

-" **Credence** " by Opeth

•12:55 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

"I HATE YOU!"

The words of my own mouth cut like a knife through my brain, shocking me into opening my eyes.

I'm standing in the kitchen of Misato's apartment. The adult Shinji is gone, replaced by the teenage Shinji standing in front of me. And taking one look at the horrified expression on his face, I begin to realize what's just happened.

I kissed him...

We were kissing...

That's right, I wanted...to prove to myself...that I found Shinji disgusting so that I'd stop thinking about him so much...and thinking the kind of thoughts I have been about him...instead of Kaji...

But...instead...

Instead...I...I...liked it...loved it...Gott im Himmel, I want more!

And yet...

The image of Shinji kissing that...thing...that doll...that little BITCH, Rei!

I HATE...

Oh...

Oh Mein Gott!

I screamed it out loud...I must have, that's why Shinji is looking at me that way.

I need to tell him!

 _"Shinji! I-I'm sorry!_

 _I...I didn't mean 'you' when I said..._

 _I-I was thinking of...someone else...and it just burst out of me..."_

That's what I want to say...

But the words die in my chest before I can even begin to form them.

The kitchen is deadly quiet, and the tension hangs like a funeral veil between and around us.

 _What are you doing?_

I have no answer...

 _Say something!_

I open my mouth, struggling to articulate the torrent of thoughts and emotions surging through my brain.

But I can't...

Then, I see Shinji step forward cautiously. "A-Asuka? What's wrong?"

He starts to reach for my shoulder.

More instinctively than intentionally, I back away. "Just, stay away Shinji."

The words send a spike of horror into my heart.

 _No! That's not what I wanted to say!_

Shinji looks more hurt than I've ever seen him. "Asuka...I-I'm sorry. I-I d-didn't m-mean to..."

Steeling myself, I at last manage to speak. "No Shinji. I'm sorry."

His eyes widen in surprise. "But...I...sorry? For what, Asuka?"

"For what I...just said," I answer. "I didn't mean it."

Shinji looks slightly reassured, but still concerned. "You don't hate me?"

"No."

Silence falls again.

"So then," Shinji says at last, "what...or...uh...who...did you mean?"

Panic at his question fills me like an icy ocean.

Damn it! What do I tell him?

 _The truth!_

'Stay out of this! You've caused enough trouble! All of this is YOUR fault for wanting to do such...disgusting...things with...HIM, of all people!'

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Shinji," is all I say. "In fact, I just can't be around you right now."

Shinji looks scared, but determined as he says, "Asuka, wait! Please, talk to me."

"About what, Shinji?"

'Damn you, stupid Shinji! Isn't it enough that admitted I don't hate you? Why can't you leave well enough alone, and just run away like you always do? I feel my hands clenching into fists, and my frustration rising.'

"About what just happened," he responds nervously. "Really, I want to help. I need to know...did I do something wrong?"

I ponder for a moment, before answering, "No." I pause for a moment before adding, "But I did."

"You did?", Shinji asks, confused. "Well...if...if you mean the whole, uh, shouting I HATE YOU thing...well...um-"

"That's not what I mean, idiot!" I've decided on how to get myself out of this. "I mean...me...deciding to kiss you. It was a mistake."

Even as I feel a terrible plummeting sensation inside of me, I see, through the look of despair on his face, the same reaction take place in _Shinji_.

 _No...you're lying!_ _Stop it! Stop it right now!_

"But...but...Asuka...you...you don't...you don't really mean...please...tell me you don't really mean that..." Shinji's voice is so faint, I can hardly hear it over my thudding heart.

 _No! I don't mean that, Shinji! I don't mean a word of it! Please...don't do this! Tell him you don't mean that!_

'Why? Besides, I do mean it! It WAS a mistake.'

 _No! You know what you felt when you kissed him! You can't deny that to me!_

'But I can deny it to him. And I have to. It's the only way...'

"I do mean it," I say, not faking the heaviness in my voice.

Why does it hurt so much?

Shinji turns away, putting his face in his hands. "No...no...", his voice is muffled, but I can hear his anguish, clear as day.

"Shinji look, it was just a kiss," I say, trying to sound matter-of-fact. "I hope you didn't have some, wild idea of us...falling in love or something."

Shinji turns back to face me, his expression one of dawning horror.

'So, that IS what he wanted? He should remember who he's dealing with. He's a fool for having expected, or even wanted such a thing from me!'

 _That's what you wanted too! Stop denying that! You want this every bit as much as he does! More even! And you're about to throw it all away! Why?!_

'I don't want that! I don't want Shinji! Shinji is a weakness that would hold me back! And in the end, even if I did stoop down to Shinji's level, he'd still end up running away...just like Papa...and you know that! You can't deny that what we just saw in our mind will happen eventually! Kaji is the only man I want! The only man in this world worthy of my status!'

 _And who's to say...even if you somehow won him over...that he wouldn't just run away on you too?_

'I-I-I, you...! Sh-shut up! A real man like him would NEVER run away! And he's already proven that!'

 _He did run away once. That story, about his brother, and their friends..._

'Th-that's different! Kaji was just a boy back then! He's a man now!'

 _And he's more than twice your age!_

'I know that, and I don't care!'

 _But Kaji does! Because unlike you, he's NOT a depraved human being!_

'One day, he'll come around! And even if he doesn't...well-...it doesn't matter now anyway...and it's time to put this issue to rest...forever...'

"I-I don't know if that's what I wanted," Shinji responds. "But, I-I like you, Asuka. I guess, I had hoped..."

"What? That some magical kiss would make me fall into your arms?," I say, at least trying to sound casually, rather than maliciously dismissive. "Time to grow up Shinji. That's not how life works. And besides, I've told you. Kaji is the only man for me."

"Then why?! Why did you kiss me?" Shinji is beginning to sound angry.

I look away, as I respond, "I told you, because I was bored."

Shinji glares at me, as he says, "I don't believe you."

"What?," I turn to him incredulously. "Are you that dense and delusional?"

Shinji recoils from that, his anger softening, but continues, "I don't know how you really feel about me. But...something tells me that you're lying about just having been bored."

"And what makes you say that?," I respond airily. But there's a growing sense of dread inside.

And excitement.

Does he see right through me?

 _Shinji..._

"It was the way you responded...when I pulled your hand away from my nose. When I put my arm around you. I'm no expert, but for a moment, it seemed like...like you were really happy."

'Oh...scheiße...'

 _Shinji! You...you noticed? Gott I've never been happier then I was at that moment!_

'No...'

 _You really do understand!_

'I can't...I won't let this-'

 _Shinji, I-I...I think I...I-...Shinji! I lo-_

'NO! SHUT UP!'

 _No! I won't-_

'I'M PUTTING AN END TO THIS RIGHT NOW!'

 _W-what do you mean?!_

'Okay stupid Shinji, you can't just drop it like a good boy? Fine...then you've brought this on yourself...'

 _Wait! What are you doing!?_

"Okay Shinj," I say in my most quietly dangerous voice. "You want to know the truth? Fine. I'll tell you. If you've really let yourself fall for me, you're probably not going to like it."

 _No. You...you wouldn't!_

I walk closer to him, making sure to look him in the eye. "Like you, I've never kissed anyone before. I was curious. I wanted to see what it would be like. But, as I'm sure you know, Kaji won't let me kiss him."

 _No! No! NO! NO! Stop it!_

'Shut up! This is his own fault...and YOURS!'

 _You bitch! Stop it right now!_

A look of horrified comprehension starts to form on Shinji's face, but I press on, "So really, anyone else would do. You just happened to be here at the right time."

 _I won't let you do this! Take it back! Take it back, or I swear I'll break out and tell him everything!_

'Well, what's stopping you?'

 _W-what? What do you mean?_

'Why don't you just break out now and tell Shinji everything like you want to?'

 _...I can't! I can't break free! You won't let me-_

'And in case you've forgotten, you are ME! Or have you forgotten what you yourself said to me earlier...?'

 _You...y-you're just afraid! You're too much of a coward to say what you KNOW you're feeling!_

'But remember, if you are me, and I'm a coward...THEN SO ARE YOU!'

I press on, "Unfortunately, kissing you was more...sickening...than I had expected. So, I imagined that you were Kaji instead. And it worked, for a moment at least. Then I remembered what was really happening, and I...overreacted a little."

Somewhere in my mind, I hear the sound of weeping. It sounds like my own voice...

 _No. Please no. Please...just stop! You've done enough..._

"So, let me make this very, very clear to you Shinji. I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much, let alone find you the slightest bit appealing."

My tone continues to rise as I grow angrier with every word, even as a growing sense of revulsion at my words threatens to make me sick.

"It's infuriating enough that I have to work with you. What makes you think I'd ever let you make me into some kind of trophy girl? And don't you dare try and tell me that your feelings are 'deeper than that'! Mein Gott, Shinji, one stupid kiss and all of a sudden you think you actually deserve me?! That I'd lower myself by being seen in public with you? Well Shinji, I'm sure part of you was looking forward to remembering back to this night; so when you do, you just remember what I'm about to say right now, you stupid, perverted, worthless excuse for a male!"

Shinji simply stares back at me, eyes wide, with the completely hollow look of someone who has lost everything.

 _Shinji. Forgive me..._

"The mental image of kissing Ryoji Kaji was the only thing that made this experience close to bearable for me. But you know, looking back...it wasn't worth it! Kissing you was the most..."

I feel sick...

"Unpleasant..."

Not at 'what' has happened...but 'with someone'...

"Disgusting..."

And it's not 'with' who I expected...

"...mistake I've ever made in my life! I wish I could go back and erase it from existence, just so I won't have to remember it! And I'd rather die than ever -, h-hey get your ass back here when I'm talking to you Third!"

For Shinji had turned around in the middle of my sentence and began to run. Within seconds he was out the door, and without bothering to close it, ran off into the night.

For a moment, the room seems to echo with my last words...before it all begins to sink in. Before I see...

...

Mein Gott...his eyes...

...

In the split second before he turned away, even before my angry demand had begun to spill out, I saw his eyes...and an expression on his face that will haunt me until I myself am as dead as the gaze of those cobalt irises.

That reflexive command for him to stay put has barely left my lips when the image branding itself deep into my mind makes my every nerve seize up with horror.

...

Wha...what did I...oh Gott...

"Shinji!" The anger in my voice is completely supplanted by desperation as I begin to run after him. "Shinji, wait! I-"

But before I've even reached the door, I hear someone else calling for Shini too! Then the voice yells, "Asuka! Get out here now!"

Kaji!

Already at the door, I step outside to see him struggling to keep Misato on her feet. Misato herself is trying to break free and stand on her own, blearily calling out, "Sh-Shinji wait! Come back...ow ow my head! Fuck, I...can't...stand up strai- aahhh" and topples to the ground, landing, hard, on the walkway, where she promptly begins attempting to crawl after Shinji.

Kaji gently holds her back and helps her back to her feet. Then he looks over at me, his expression uncharacteristically worried.

"Asuka!" His tone is unusually sharp. "Help Katsuragi inside, and get her to bed. I need to go after Shinji!"

"Where's he going?" I ask stupidly. Everything seems to be a haze now.

Is that what it's like to be in a controlled state of panic?

"Hell if I know!," he cries exasperatedly. "Just get her inside! I have to hurry!"

And, leaving me with Misato, he runs off to the elevators. Misato tries to push me off when I pull her to her feet and help her inside the apartment.

"Kaji...wait...for me. Shinji! SHINJI!" Misato is sounds slightly hysterical, though her voice is rapidly weakening with tiredness. And she goes nearly limp once we've almost reached the bedroom.

"Not again...", her voice starts to crack. "Please..."

Mustering all my strength, I manage to get her to her room, and lay her down in the bed. Luckily her drunkeness made it difficult for her to fight back, or I'd never been able to move her at all.

For a moment, I look down at her. She's nearly fallen asleep, but fresh tears are forming in her closed eyes. "Shin...ji..." She whispers, then falls silent.

Unable to control myself anymore...even knowing that Misato may not fully be asleep yet...I clamp my hands over my face as I walk away.

I try...

I really do try with all my might to hold it all back...but to no avail.

And as I close the door to my room, I drop to the floor...

And for the first time in three years, I break down...crying.


	8. Fallout (pt2)

AN: Alrighty, here's the second to last segment I'm posting today. This here is from Misato's POV.

•12:33 AM

Well, the wedding was alright after all. And going out drinking with Kaji and Ritsuko was nice too. Too bad I've overdone it again.

'Huagh...HHUAAGH!'

Puking in an alleyway after drinking all night? Check.

A mental promise to myself never to drink again that I'll just forget or outright ignore? Check.

A hot guy named Ryoji Kaji helping me get home? Mmm, check.

"Alright Katsuragi," said hot guy says after helping me to my feet. "Let's get you up on my back. I'll carry you."

Kaji locks his arms under my knees, as I wrap my arms around his neck from behind.

He sighs with slight exasperation as a he carries me down the street towards my apartment. "Drinking until you throw up," he says admonishingly. "How old are you?"

"Ugh, old enough to regret it," I groan.

I can't see his face, but Kaji's tone softens when he says, "I'm old enough as well."

"You're damn right!", I chuckle drunkenly.

"I can't believe that you wear high heels these days. Time really does fly."

Too distracted by rubbing my arm along his unshaven cheek, I ignore his comment and respond that he should shave his sloppy face. He gives some grunt of noncommittal agreement, seemingly lost in thought.

"Hey, let me walk," I tell him, and he lowers me gently to the ground.

I thank Kaji, and continue walking, him right behind me. It may just be the alcohol, but I'm feeling troubled. Maybe...now is the time to reveal the truth to Kaji. Maybe it's time to come clean after all these years.

I turn to look at him, and feel my heart race a little. Never has he looked so handsome to me; tall, confident, with a casual, laid back sort of elegance only he could pull off, with his long, dark hair pulled back into a ponytail, and the eternal stubble on his face.

He sees me looking back and smiles, his blue eyes locking onto mine. I quickly look away as I say, "Kaji, do you think I've changed?"

"You're even prettier."

A gentle, warm touch of pleasure at the sincerity of the compliment is immediately doused by the weight of what I'm about to say.

"That's not what I meant." I steel myself, preparing to tell him..."When I told you there was someone else, it wasn't true. But you knew that didn't you?"

His answer was quick and calm. "No."

And as we walk, it all comes spilling out of me. All the regrets and the disgust I've carried for the last eight years since the day I left him.

How I panicked when I realized how much like my father Kaji was. How I ran away because I was terrified of falling in love with someone just like my father; the man I hated. How I only joined NERV to try to sever the ties with my father, only discover that he himself had been a member. How I then devoted my life to destroying the Angels to avenge my father and myself and bury all the pain.

I stop walking, hanging my head. Kaji stops in front of me, and tries to stop me from beating myself up, but I press on.

It was just an escape, and I ran to it. I ran away from the real world, and my father like a coward.

'Hell, I even had to get drunk to work up the nerve to say any of this!'

Again Kaji tries to calm me down, but ignore him. I go on that I'm an immature child, with no right to be a guardian to Shinji and Asuka.

"Enough!," shouts Kaji.

"Look at me," I cry out, so disgusted with myself, I could vomit again. "Afraid to accept a helping hand up from a man, except when I'm so falling down drunk that I don't even know what I'm doing! I'm a whore of a woman, and I'd use you!"

"Cut it out!"

"Use you, because I'm a coward! I'm pathetic-"

But my tirade is cut off. And though I continue to try to form words with which to wound myself, they are muffled beyond recognition by the lips pressed against mine.

Kaji's eyes are closed, his hands firmly clasped upon my upper arms, just below the shoulders.

For a moment, I protest weakly, mostly out of surprise. But, my mind, my soul and body are melting from the pleasure of this moment, and thus my tensions vanish and my muffled words turn to moans of lust.

Distantly, I hear the clatter of my high heels falling to the concrete as they slip from my hands.

It's just like it was eight years ago; better even. Kaji is standing by me despite my revealing how pathetic and broken I am.

He's here...his lips pressed against mine, despite seeing me at my lowest.

'God, what have been doing all these years? Why did I ever give this up? I'm a damn fool.'

And yet even as I realize this, I still hesitate to return the embrace of the man I love, halfheartedly raising, then lowering my arms.

Soon enough, the moment ends. Kaji pulls back, and smiles gently at me. I smile back...as I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him again.

This time, the kiss is aggressive, passionate, with a kind of ferocity. When his arms encircle my waist, it's like he is water to my parched throat.

And there we stand, beneath the pale halo of the street lamp, for how long, I know not.

Some time later, Kaji and I are walking out of the elevator, towards my apartment. Some of the alcohol that hadn't hit me earlier is now making it impossible for me to walk without his help.

As he helps me to my door, someone comes bursting out of it; a thin, teenage boy with a head of short brown hair, dark blue eyes, and a sensitive, almost feminine face.

"Shinji?" I say weakly.

"Hey there Shinji, can you give us a h-," Kaji starts to say.

But Shinji seems not to notice either of us as he runs past us, towards the elevator.

"Shinji!" Kaji yells angrily. "Where do you think you're going? Get back here!"

But the boy doesn't so much as turn his head.

"Shinji...wait...", I try to shout. But I know he can't hear me now.

"Asuka!," Kaji calls, sounding harried now, "get out here now!"

Asuka appears almost the moment he finishes the sentence, looking a bit panicked herself. I try my best to free myself from Kaji and stand up independently.

"Sh-Shinji wait! Come back...ow ow my head! Fuck, I can't...stand up strai- aahhh!" Finally freeing myself, I promptly lose my balance and fall to the ground.

As I watch, the elevator doors close, concealing Shinji from view, but not before I see him hunched over, banging his fist into the elevator wall, the very picture of despair.

Behind me, I can hear Kaji curtly telling Asuka to help me into the apartment and get me to lay down.

'Fuck that!' Not until I find Shinji! He's already run away once before, I can't lose him again!

I start to crawl towards the elevator, dignity be damned. I hear Asuka ask a question, Kaji answering sharply, then Kaji runs past us towards the elevators.

"Come on Misato, let's get you inside," Asuka stays, sounding uncharacteristically worried. I try to push her off as she helps me to my feet, but I'm becoming too weak from inebriation to resist as she pulls me towards the apartment.

"Kaji...wait...for me. Shinji! SHINJI!" I'm starting to cry, thinking of how it felt last time to see that empty room the first time Shinji ran away. "Not again. Please..."

Asuka leads me to my bed, dropping me gently onto the mattress, and pulling the blankets over me. The last thing I see and hear before my drunken fatigue robs me of consciousness, is her walking away, hands clutching at her face, a muffled...hiccuping like sound coming from behind her palms, before I hear the door to her room slam shut.

And with that, the darkness of sleep claims me.


	9. Fallout (pt3)

AN: This segment is very short, but...I expect it'll hit rather hard.

Things are about to get a little dark.

So now, it's back to Kaji...

•1:06 AM

Leaving Asuka and Katsuragi, I arrive at the elevators. Unfortunately, one of the two operating cabs had broken down two weeks ago, so I'm forced to use the same one Shinji had entered.

I press the button, waiting impatiently for the cab to return. Looking up at the floor counter, I receive a surprise as well as a moment of relief; the elevator is descending downward, meaning that Shinji is still in the building...that he headed for the upper floors.

But where could he be goIng up there?

The roof, perhaps? But why?

An unpleasant thought crosses my mind.

Shinji, from what I could see as he ran by, seemed beside himself with grief. And for him to not stop to help with Misato is most unlike him.

Normally he's very kind and helpful, if also too timid and passive for his own good. For him to ignore Misato at a time when she clearly needed help...

And he's going to the roof...

'Surely, he wouldn't...he wouldn't...'

My heart begins to race. 'If I'm too late, Katsuragi will never forgive me!'

I curse at the elevator, wishing it would go faster. Reaching the top floor, I disembark, running for the 'maintenance only' door, which stands wide open. I run up the stairs two at time, and burst out of the door shed at the top.

I quickly turn my head this way and that, until...I spot him at the other end of the building...and my blood freezes.

Even as I watch, he clambers up onto the concrete ledge surrounding the roof, and stands there, overlooking the drop on the other side.

Time seems to stand still. In that moment, I quickly realize that if I make the wrong move, say the wrong thing, or even reveal myself at the wrong moment, that it will be too late.

That is, if it is not already too late.


	10. Upon The Threshold

AN: Sorry I'm so late posting this one. Hope it was worth the wait :)

And thus, we begin Chapter 4...

 _"Mark these words_

 _One day this chalk outline will circle this city_

 _Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face?_

 _A room colored charlatan_

 _Hid in a safe_

 _Stalk the ground_

 _Stalk the ground"_

[MEDIA=youtube]C4FG_xZAzsQ[/MEDIA]

 **Televators** by The Mars Volta

Chapter 4-Upon The Threshold

•1:07 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

It was all a blur...from the moment I turned and ran...to when I found myself here on the roof...

I just...I needed to get away. I need to think, to swallow the pain...

"I HATE YOU!"

'She didn't mean it,' she said. According to her, she 'overreacted'.

But then, something just as bad followed...

 _"I imagined that you were Kaji. And it worked for a moment."_

'She used you. She can't have Kaji, so she just toyed with your feelings to get what she wanted.'

 _"What? You hoped some magical kiss would make me fall into your arms?"_

'You even told her how you felt. And she took the heart from your chest, and stomped it into the dust.'

 _"Let me make this very, very clear to you Shinji. I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much, let alone find you the slightest bit appealing."_

'You never had a chance...'

 _"You just remember what I'm about to say right now, you stupid, perverted, worthless excuse for a male! Kissing you was the most unpleasant, disgusting mistake I've ever made in my life! I wish I could go back and erase it from existence,_ _just so I won't have to remember it! And I'd rather die than ever -"_

'Ever what? Kiss me again? Look at me again? Think about me again? Does she really hate me that much?'

I remember back to when our lips met. The feeling...it was incomparable. The feel of her hands on my shoulders, the soft pressure of her mouth, the feeling of holding her in my arms. For a moment, I knew what it was to be happy. I felt...wanted...needed, knowing that her sighs of contentment were because of me...except they weren't.

The scene changes...Asuka violently shoves me away, spitting in my face to show her disgust. And from behind me emerges another; taller, older, more muscular. Asuka smiles radiantly at him. Her smile...what I've wanted to see more than anything. Why? Why can't she look at me that way? Kaji takes her into his arms, as she, turning to smirk coldly at me, wraps her arms around his neck and...

'So this is what she envisioned. This is why she didn't instantly pull away or push me away. I tighten my fists, trying to hold back the tears, and the rage. I'd never felt so happy in my life. To have it all torn away like this...and to know that I could never feel this way again...'

Needing to see open space to escape the claustrophobia of my thoughts...I look over the concrete ledge, down at the ground below.

'Huh. Well that's not even why I came up here. The roof was just the first place I thought of to run away to. I hadn't really thought about...'

But now that I'm here...

'Surely...no one could live through a fall from this height. I might not even feel anything. And then...'

I can't feel this horrible emptiness if I make it so that can't feel anything.

'Then the hurting will stop...forever...'

I know that I'm pathetic, and an idiot for even considering the idea...but that feeling...it's all I can think about now. It's like a drug...an inferno burning up everything else in it's path.

'I wonder what it would be like to stand upon the razor's edge between life and death. Maybe when I'm there, I can finally decide.'

I hoist myself up to the top of the ledge, careful not to lose my balance, and stand there, looking at the night sky above, and the ground below. If there were people around, I suppose they would point up at me, screaming at me to get down, or just stupidly shout the obvious "he's going to jump!"

I can almost see myself simply lean forward a little, and topple over, falling with arms outstretched, my eyes closed peacefully, and then...nothing.

Nothing left but an ugly stain, and a chalk outline around a broken body on the concrete.

I can recognize some of the people in the crowd. A tall, long haired, unshaven man; his face looking grim. A muscular teenage boy wearing a black track suit; his expression one of shock. Next to him, a bespectacled and freckled boy with unruly dirty blond hair; his expression a mix of curiosity at the corpse, and horrified recognition. A teenage girl, with short blue hair; her face seemingly impassive, but with a distant sadness in her odd, red eyes. A purple haired woman in a red jacket...she is the only one openly weeping.

I don't see my father there. Could he even be bothered to leave NERV headquarters if heard that his own son had killed himself? A part of me...feels sure he wouldn't bat an eye at the news...the only words spoken, a cold order to find my replacement.

But there is...one more in this imaginary crowd of onlookers. A beautiful, red haired teenage girl, clearly foreign...and just as clearly, not the least bit saddened by the scene in front of her.

Indeed, she is trying and failing to hold back scornful laughter.

Then she turns to look at me. Not the bloody mass on the ground...but the real me...

"What are you waiting for, stupid Shinji? Go on. Take that step. You really want to make me happy? This is the best thing you can do. There's nothing else of value you can offer me." Her vicious grin widens. "So just end your worthless life. Give me something to laugh about. A reason to smile when I think about you, Shinji..."

No.

'I won't!'

I feel my face contorting into a snarl of rage.

'I won't give you the satisfaction!'

And I bend my legs at the knees, so that I can climb back down onto the roof, out of harm's way.

'I'll go on living. If necessary, just to spite you, Asuka!'

And...I think of Misato...I don't know how upset she'd be, really, but...she cares about me more than anyone else ever has, so...if it would make her unhappy in any way...

'I don't want to take that chance that it would. I don't know if it's just me being arrogant...or too much of a coward to take the plunge and just making excuses to back out...but I don't want to take the chance.'

The realization of what I nearly did begins to hit me. As wave after wave of misery, shame, and confusion rages through my mind, I sit down, my back against the ledge, burying my face in my knees and clutching furiously at my hair.

So lost in turmoil am I, that I fail to see the man approaching me.


	11. Upon The Threshold (pt2)

AN: Well, it's THAT time again people :)

Unfortunately, this will be the only post for this week.

However, said post is over 8,000 words, so hopefully that makes up for it a little.

•1:11 AM

I breathe a sigh of relief. Shinji only bent his legs so he could climb down from the ledge, so at least the immediate danger has been averted. But still, I know that a bigger problem lies ahead.

After climbing down, he sits on the roof, his back against the ledge, curling up into a ball, clutching desperately at his hair.

'What happened to make him so distraught?'

I frown slightly.

'He was alone with Asuka tonight...'

From when I first noticed his distress, I kinda figured it might have something to do with her. It wouldn't be unlike her to do or say something that hurt him...but could she really have driven him to this?

"Hey there, Shinji," I say as I close the last of the distance between us.

He looks up. "Oh," he replies, looking up at me, slightly startled. "Hi Kaji. When did you get here?"

"You didn't see me carrying Katsuragi when you ran past us?"

Shinji looks a little surprised. "No, I-..." he pauses. "Carrying her? Is Misato okay?"

"She's fine. She just drank a little too much."

Shinji buries his face in his hands. "Im sorry. I should've stopped and helped."

I sit down next to him. "Hey don't worry about it. Asuka was helping her into the apartment when I left to follow you."

His face twists into a snarl at the mention of Asuka's name.

'Yup...called it. It's definitely something to do with her then', I think to myself.

"So, Shinji," I say, deciding to get to the point. "Wanna tell me what happened?"

Shinji shakes his head and hugs his knees tighter.

"Well, let me take a wild guess anyway. I'm thinking that you and Asuka had a fight. Am I correct?"

He turns and looks at me, his expression utterly miserable. Slowly, he nods. "Is it that obvious?"

I smile wryly and respond, "I just put two and two together is all."

He turns away, and hugs his knees even tighter.

'I've never seen him look so small and defeated. What could she have done or said to upset him like this?'

I know they have a rocky relationship at best, but generally he just takes her behavior in stride. Got to give the boy credit, really. She can be pretty difficult sometimes, and flat out vicious when she wants to be.

But not until today have I seen him truly beside himself because of her. Whatever happened must have been awful.

I suppose it's wrong of me to automatically assume that Asuka is the one at fault, but given that Shinji is generally too friendly and passive to do anything to anger her intentionally...well, it seems most likely that Shinji said or did something that may have inadvertently angered her, though clearly to a more violent or venomous extent than usual.

'But, I know I mustn't jump to conclusions. Time for some answers.'

"Shinji, I'd like you to tell me what happened tonight," I say in a tone friendly enough to be coaxing, but firm enough to indicate that I won't back down either.

After all, I want to make sure that if Asuka DID get especially vicious with him, that HE himself did nothing to deserve it.

Shinji, his shoulders slumping defeatedly, seems to know that I will not simply let the question go. Nevertheless, it is with extreme reluctance that he begins to tell me everything.

"She asked if I wanted to kiss her. And...well...we kissed," he says in a barely audible voice.

That...catches me somewhat off guard.

I mean, I know they like eachother...and it was kind of my intention to steer Asuka in his direction, but still...I had almost given up hope after hearing from Katsuragi how much they would argue all the time.

"You did?!" I exclaim. "Well that's a good thing isn't it?"

"I thought so too, at first," Shinji replies bitterly.

"Oh? Something went wrong?" Shinji hesitates for a moment, before nodding.

"Well, why don't you tell me about it. I'm sure it's nothing that can't be worked out."

"She said it was a mistake, and she screamed that she hated me."

'Oh...uh...well...ouch', I think to myself. Well, it's not too surprising. That damned ego of hers is standing in her way, as usual.

"She said kissing me was disgusting..."

'Yeesh Asuka, way to let the guy down easy.'

Well, that was certainly harsh of her...though, I suspect that she might have said something even more sinister for him to be this hurt.

'Still, best thing to do right now is try to calm him down. Perhaps this is all a misunderstanding that he's gotten overly worked up about, and maybe with some damage control, things can be patched up.'

"Well Shinji, you should know that women don't always mean everything they say," I tell him bracingly. "Sometimes, pride gets in the way of what someone really feels, and Asuka...well, she's always been a proud girl. She may come around eventually, just give it some time."

"She doesn't! You're wrong Kaji" Shinji's voice sounds more angry than I'd ever heard him before. He turns to me, and I find myself unnerved by the slightly crazed look in his normally placid face.

'Well, that tactic backfired spectacularly...nice going Ryoji.'

His entire body is trembling with rage and his tone begins to rise ominously with every word. "She'll never 'come around'! I even told her how I felt about her, thinking maybe if she heard me say it, she'd stop saying all the awful things she said. A part of me...even hoped that she'd take it all back...if I just manned up and told her the truth...but it just made things worse! Honestly, after the things she said, I'll bet you anything, that if she knew I was up here right now, and what I was nearly about to do, she'd either laugh at me and tell me to get it over with...or maybe she'd even push me off herself!"

"Shinji...," I try to say, but Shinji cuts me off.

"Just...don't! Don't try to tell me that she'd never do that! You weren't there! You don't know what she said to me!"

Calming down slightly, the boy says, "Asuka told me that she only wanted to kiss me because she was bored. And because she was curious about kissing. You wouldn't let her kiss you, so she said that 'anyone would do', and that I was just here at the right time."

'She wouldn't really...I mean, she might SAY something like that...but surely she wouldn't really mean...'

For the first time, I begin to wonder about Asuka's seeming interest in Shinji. Could it really be that she's that obsessed with me? To the extent that she'd use a boy with an obvious crush on her to either attempt to make me jealous...or worse...

"She did seem to enjoy the kiss for a moment, though. So, I told her I didn't believe it when she said she hated it. Then...she told me the truth. She only enjoyed it because...she imagined that...I was you...Kaji."

'...Oh...oh good lord, Asuka...you really said THAT to the poor kid?'

At this point, part of me begins to wonder how much truth there is in Asuka's words. Maybe she was just trying to keep up her facade...but I do sometimes fear that her feelings for me are, disturbingly, very genuine, despite my hope that she'd eventually grow out of the infatuation.

Is it possible that making him some kind of substitute for her to vicariously imagine as 'me' was the only reason for her interest in him all along; since he was both passive and very obviously smitten, and therefore, less likely to question his 'good' fortune if Asuka inexplicably began showing 'interest' in him?

'Well, that IS more or less the 'or worse' scenario you were considering a possibility...'

But...WOULD she really go as far as trying to use Shinji that way just because she can't have me...then reject him out of fear when he starts showing signs of genuinely liking her...or in a perverse attack of conscience? I'm not sure I really believe that Asuka would do such a thing.

Goodness knows, she CAN frequently be very cruel and callous to the feelings of others, though this...whatever the hell happened tonight...seems excessive...even for her.

Whether or not it's true, though...it seems to be what she wants him to believe...

'And I can certainly see now why he's hurting so much.'

Sadly, that this has hit him so hard also seems to confirm the hope I had that Shinji's feelings for her were probably more than just those of teenage lust and hormones.

'I think he really cares about her...or would've grown to truly care given the time and chance...but now...'

Now, I find myself...unsure of what to say next.

Thankfully, it is Shinji who breaks the ice. "I'm sorry. I know you're her guardian, or...at least...you were at one time." The boy hangs his head. "I understand if you don't believe me. I'm sure she was always nice around you."

I laugh internally at that, remembering how at first, Asuka had liked me no better than the other guardians she had scared off before.

'Still, he is right to think I'd take what he says with a grain of salt.'

After all, I hadn't ruled out the possibility that Shinji had tried to do something unseemly to Asuka, and had deserved the brutal rebuke he'd received from her, and that he might be telling a sob story to cover himself.

But looking at him now, I feel certain he's telling the truth. Still, I'll need to talk to Asuka about this. I won't be too surprised if she tries to tell me that Shinji DID do something perverse that made her react the way she did.

But if she's lying...I'll know.

So, for now, I elect to trust in Shinji's honesty. "No, I believe you Shinji."

"Oh...okay. Th-thanks."

Awkward silence falls yet again. This time, I break it. "Shinji."

He looks over at me. "Hmm?"

"I'm glad you choose not to jump. And," I give him an encouraging smile, "I'm proud of you for having made that decision by yourself, without my help."

Shinji looks away and with a bitter sigh, he responds, "It's nothing to be proud of, really. I just...couldn't give Asuka the satisfaction of knowing I'd killed myself over her. And also," his expression softens, "I'm not sure, but I thought that...maybe...it might make Misato sad if I...went through with it."

'Sad...that's probably a fair understatement, Shinji,' I think to myself, having noticed Katsuragi's attachment to the boy quite early on.

Out loud, I say, "You'd have broken her heart. You should have seen her after you ran past. If she had been able to run, she'd have beaten me here."

The boy looks deeply ashamed at that. "I guess I really am an idiot huh?"

"Only if you really believe that taking your own life is the only way to overcome your pain," I answer, turning to face him. "Killing yourself may end the pain...but what then? You can never be happy again either, never again see the ones you love, and you'll never be able find out if there was another way...a better way to overcome your suffering. That's it...there's no going back."

 _Profound, Ryoji...most profound indeed...coming from YOU of all people..._

Shinji lowers his head, seeming to lose himself in thought. Then, without looking up, he says, "I guess...I know that jumping off the roof isn't the answer. But...I don't...really know what the right answer is either." He raises his head up, looking despondent. "I'm not really sure of what I should do."

"Well, ultimately, no one can decide your path for you Shinji," I reply. "But if you're lost, Katsuragi and I may be able to help you along the way." I rub the back of my neck, suddenly uncomfortable. "Well, Katsuragi more than myself. I'll be pretty busy for the foreseeable future, but I'll still take what time I do have to lend an ear if you need one."

Shinji smiles weakly. "Thanks Kaji."

"Hey, what are friends for?" I say jovially. "Anyway, Shinji, I can tell you from experience that rejection hurts, especially when the girl is cruel about it. But don't let being rejected prevent you from reaching out again to someone else. Or even to Asuka herself, if she comes round someday."

Shinji looks at me incredulously. And honestly, given what he's told me about what Asuka said to him, I can understand his feelings on that.

'Hell, even I'm not quite sure what to think.'

Still...

"I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous. But...maybe someday...well, eh...you never know... people can surprise you sometimes...," I finish rather lamely.

In truth? I very nearly began to explain Asuka's past.

'I want him to know...want him to understand...but...I can't.'

It wouldn't be right; it would be unfair to Asuka to divulge her past without her knowledge or consent.

'Not to mention, probably make things even worse...if her actions were caused by a fear of Shinji seeing the truth behind her façade...'

Shinji's face hardens. "The only thing I want to do involving Asuka is to tell her how much I hate her," he replies angrily, practically spitting the words out.

No, I can't blame him for feeling that way. Still...

"Take my word for it, Shinji...as angry as you may be at her right now, telling her that you hate her would be a terrible mistake."

"Why?" Shinji asks sharply. "After all she said to me, she deserves it! And unlike her, I won't pretend for even a second that I didn't mean it!"

"Simple," I answer. "She was wrong to have said that, and, because I've known her for as long as I have, I'm certain she didn't really mean it. And also, saying the same to her in return wouldn't be right, because you'd only be saying it to hurt her."

"I don't care!" Shinji cries vehemently. "Maybe...maybe I want her to hurt too! I want her to feel a little bit of what she made me feel!"

I sigh, sadly. "I know Shinji. I do understand. But, still...it'd be wrong. Even moreso, because I think that if you did say it...you'd be lying."

Shinji looks like he's about to argue, then pauses. "Well," he says, "maybe you're right. But I hate it! The fact that I DON'T really hate her. After everything she said, why can't I just hate her like a normal person would?!"

"Hate is a terrible thing, Shinji," I say with a small smile. "Hate isn't merely dislike or anger, and it's not something that comes easily to a gentle soul like yours. Real hate is contempt, malice; a genuine desire to hurt or to kill, or to see someone in pain or dead. And despite everything Asuka may have said, I don't think she really hates you either."

Shinji bows his head again. "Well, I still don't want anything to do with her anymore."

Though it saddens me to hear it, I don't blame him one bit for his bitterness. "And that's okay, Shinji. After what happened, no one would blame you for feeling that way. I'll just say this...keep an open mind...bearing in mind that I know Asuka better than anyone else...but of course, that's your call in the end. You don't owe Asuka an ounce of forgiveness if you don't feel she's earned it."

Shinji remains silent for a moment. Then, "It's weird though."

"What is, Shinji?"

"Well...", he pauses, looking unsure of how to word his thoughts. "It's just...I'm angry at Asuka, and a part of me knows she was wrong to do what she did...but..."

His voice drops to a whisper. "I almost feel like it's what I should have expected from the start...for being stupid enough to believe she'd actually want to kiss me. And all the terrible things she said to me...they're all true. She's right about me. So, why am I so angry at her for saying things that I know are true?"

I give him a slightly stern look. "Nothing about the anger you're feeling is unjustified Shinji. What she said and did to you tonight was terrible...and you have every right to be angry about it. I'd honestly be more worried if you weren't upset with her right now. And," I soften my expression somewhat, "you really ought not think so little of yourself that you allow yourself to believe whatever insults Asuka threw at you."

"But...but...y-you don't understand Kaji." Shinji wraps himself up again, hiding his face in his knees. "Asuka didn't need to say any of that. I've always known it...I've always felt that way. And I still do..."

'You'd be surprised to know just how much I DO understand the way you feel...I was there once, after all...'

 _Was?! Ha! You still are now..._

"I expect that there are quite a few people who would disagree with you there."

"Only because they don't know me well enough to know better. I'm weak, and a coward, and a pervert. If they knew the real me, they'd all hate me the way I hate myself...even you would."

'My god, you really are just like her...what a shame it had to turn out like this...'

"Well, the way you think of yourself is ultimately your own call, Shinji...but as for what others think of you...don't you think you ought to let them decide all that for themselves?"

Shinji looks up, eyes skeptical...but also faintly hopeful as well.

I go on, "I can't speak for everyone else of course, but I can tell you what I think."

The boy says nothing, but looks at me with rapt attention, waiting for me to go on.

"I think, despite what you say about yourself, that you're a brave young man who is quite capable, but also unsure of himself. You have a good heart, but while you're aware that you have flaws, you tend to judge yourself too harshly for them. You care for people other than yourself, even though you're afraid of having to fight to protect them. Being scared to death to fight in a war doesn't make you a coward...and, in a similar vein, a deep aversion to conflict and violence doesn't mean that you're weak...and as for the the third epithet you gave yourself, merely being aware of and acknowledging your primal desires for what they are, as long as they are not acted on, does not make you a pervert."

'Although,' I think to myself, 'I'd REALLY suggest you refrain from trying to kiss a girl while she's sleeping in the future...'

Shinji seems to chew on these words for a moment, before answering, "Is that...really what you think, Kaji?"

"That is really what I think," I state solemnly. "And," placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, I go on, "I don't THINK, I KNOW that you are better than you think you are. You may not realize it, but shouldering the burden you do of protecting humanity in this war, even if you don't do it happily or without complaint, is incredibly brave. Katsuragi has told me how much you hate it, and that at least part of the reason you do it at all is just to earn your father's approval...but regardless, the fact that you continue to fight is an achievement all on it's own. And whatever your reasons for fighting are, I've seen how you look out for the others in battle, and more than once, you've put yourself in harm's way to protect them. Don't ever undervalue the bravery and strength of character it takes to look out for someone other than yourself, especially when you yourself are terrified and in mortal danger."

 _...words you'd have done well to heed yourself when you were his age..._

At that unwelcome thought, I see...I see all of THEIR faces flash through my mind. All of their eyes are unfocused, mouths gaping open in final screams of agony and terror...their limp bodies contorted grotesquely, riddled with bloody holes.

'No! Don't think about that right now! Focus, Ryoji, focus!'

Shinji smiles for a moment...but it vanishes quickly, replaced by gloom once more.

"Piloting the Eva..." Shinji sounds bitter and tired, "the only thing that seems to give me any real value. It's the only reason anyone can stand to be around me, isn't it? After all, before Eva, nobody liked me. Not my father...not my guardian...and I was never able to make friends...until after I started piloting the stupid thing."

'Shinji...if only...if only you knew just how alike you two really are. If only SHE could see how much she is just like you...but sadly, that's not important now.'

"It's more than just the fact that you pilot Unit 01, Shinji, it's specifically that you protect and look out for others to with it...and the fact that I believe you would still do the right thing by the people you care about most, even without Unit 01 to aid you. You couldn't fight Angels of course...but I believe that if anyone you cared for were in trouble, and you knew you could do something to save them, that you would do so. That kind of courage doesn't need a giant war machine to back it up. After all, Katsuragi old me about your first day on the job...your first act of heroism wasn't getting into the Eva...it was choosing not to let NERV force a girl who was already gravely injured to fight...and that was for someone you had only just met! I'd be deathly afraid to get between you and someone you'd been friends with for years if you're already willing to stick your neck out for someone you've just met!"

This time, Shinji's small smile doesn't fade away.

"And there's something else you should be proud of, on a more personal level, Shinji. The fact that you found the guts to tell someone how you felt about them, especially during a moment like the one you just endured...and considering how much you fear rejection from others...that shows a remarkable amount of courage on your part. Now, Asuka may have rejected you...but tonight, you won a great victory for yourself. Sure, that fear may not be gone, but the fact is, you beat it once...and while facing off against someone like Asuka too! And when the time is right, you now know you can best your fear again."

Shinji seems somewhat buoyed...though it's tempered by a weary sadness that makes him look older and more jaded than a 14 year old boy. "Kaji," he says after a drawn out silence, "I think I'm ready to go back now."

Smiling as I stand up, I offer him my hand, helping him to his feet. "Alright then, let's head back down."

We walk in silence down the steps until we reach the elevator at the other end.

"Kaji?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't...I don't...want to live with...with Asuka anymore." I nod, not surprised to hear him say this.

"I mean, I guess...I don't hate her. And...I'll still look out for her when we fight the Angels...but...I don't want to be near her, if I can help it."

"Yes," I respond heavily, "I agree perhaps it might be best to separate you at this point. Tell you what, I'll crash here tonight just to make sure there aren't any more problems, and I'll have a talk with Katsuragi and Asuka tomorrow. We'll work something out."

Shinji nods, falling silent again.

The elevator door opens, and we step out, making our way back to the apartment. The front door is open, and, standing in the doorway, head poking out curiously as we approach, is none other than Pen Pen, the hot springs penguin. The strange bird looks up at me as we step inside, then turns back to Shinji looking curious...and unless my eyes are deceiving me, concerned.

Shinji, looking slightly nonplussed by the penguin's odd behavior, turns to look quizzically at me.

"I think Pen Pen was worried about you too."

Smiling a little, Shinji turns back to Pen Pen. "It's okay. I'll be alright now." Pen Pen nods his head and seems to relax slightly. And with that, the penguin waddles back to his freezer, closing the door behind him.

Shinji smiles fondly at the penguin's freezer, then turns to leave the room. "Thanks Kaji," he says quietly. "Good night."

"Good night, Shinji." A moment later, I hear the door to his room close.

After a few minutes, as quietly as I can, I make my way towards the other bedrooms. First, I check on Katsuragi. There she lies, fast asleep, snoring inelegantly.

Occasionally, she stirs fretfully, and I can almost hear a word forming between snores. "Sh...*snore* -ji". Smiling gently, I whisper, "It's okay, Katsuragi, I brought him back. He's okay now."

Almost as if she heard me, she seems to relax. When after several minutes, she shows no sign of distress, I turn away, and carefully close the door.

I then make my way over to the bedroom of the apartment's final occupant. Quietly opening the door, I see Asuka lying on the bed, facing towards the door, her head buried into a pillow, and clutching it for dear life.

Deciding that she is most likely asleep, I begin to leave. But as I turn, I see her stirring. Raising her head, she sees me standing in the doorway. By the light filtering in through the window next to her bed, I can see that her face is drawn with misery; blotchy and tear stained. She must have been crying for awhile.

"K-Kaji," she chokes out. "I...I..." I raise my hand to quiet her. I jerk my head towards the hallway, and she quickly rises to her feet.

Leading her back to the kitchen, I point her to the table. Sitting down, she puts her face in her hands. I take a seat across from her, and wait for her to speak.

After several minutes, Asuka speaks, her voice muffled from behind her palms. "So, you found Shinji?" The question is worded neutrally, but I can hear more than a hint of concern in her voice.

I answer, "Yes. Thankfully, he didn't go very far."

Asuka lowers her hands. Her eyes are red and puffy, and her cheeks are still slightly wet. It occurs to me that it's been years since I'd last seen Asuka cry. In all the years I've known her, I've only ever seen her cry once before.

On the one hand, it instinctually saddens me to see her so distraught, but on the other...after what she said and did to Shinji...honestly I'm relieved to see that it's impacting her this much. It's rather comforting in a twisted sort of way.

"So...then...", she begins, sounding like she's deeply dreading the answer, "where...uh...d-did you find him?" she asks.

I hesitate for a moment, wondering how much I should tell her.

"That's not important right now," I tell her, deciding not to mention finding Shinji standing on the concrete ledge atop the roof.

I can see that Asuka isn't the least be comforted by that answer...despite that, she doesn't pursue the question further, opting for a different one instead.

"How much...how much of what happened...d-did Shinji tell you?"

I frown, narrowing my eyes. "He told me most of it, I think. He may have skipped over some of the smaller details." I lean back, folding my arms. "That's where you come in. I want a full explanation on what was said and done here tonight. Start to finish. And Asuka..."

In my words, tone, and expression, I convey a stern warning. "Don't even think about lying to me."

In the past, I've told Asuka, truthfully, that in my line of work as NERV's Special Inspector, I routinely deal with people who lie more easily than they breathe. Since then, Asuka has usually refrained from lying to me, but right now, I need to be sure she understands the gravity of this situation.

She replies with a shaky nod, and after a brief silence, she begins to tell me everything.

To my more than slight surprise, there is no attempt on her part to paint Shinji as being solely at fault. No talk of him being a pervert or trying to force anything on her. And by the time she finishes speaking and goes silent, every detail of her explanation fits with what Shinji told me earlier.

Though...despite my warning not to lie, it would seem to me that Asuka may not have been entirely truthful about her reason for goading Shinji into being kissed.

According to her, she was curious about what kissing was like, and was intending to use Shinji as a substitute for me, trying to imagine me in his place, since I have continuously refused her.

But something about the way she can't look me in the eye...well, it could just be embarrassment or guilt, but...between the uncharacteristically, if unintentionally, open concern for Shinji's well-being, the genuine shame and remorse for her treatment of him, and the fact that she has made no attempt to redirect the blame to the boy...well...at the very least, she's certainly more fond of him than she's willing to admit.

But, sadly, it would fit in with her nature to go out of her way to shut him out and push him away if she started to like him.

I know, because at first, Asuka did the same to me. But I saw through her facade from the start, and made every effort to empathize with her. And because of that, I was the only guardian besides Katsuragi she wasn't able to frighten off within the first six months.

When I refused to abandon her and simply leave her to be someone else's problem, she gradually opened up to me and showed that she really could be a kind person if you earned her trust.

'Unfortunately, that probably also led to her being infatuated with me several years later.'

But, returning to the problem at hand...

"I'm guessing you're probably furious with me Kaji." Asuka looks down at the table, her face hidden by her hair.

I sigh heavily, as I answer, "You're not wrong to think that. But even more than that, I'm disappointed...very disappointed in you Asuka. If what you say is true...you used Shinji, knowing he had a crush on you, without considering or caring how it might affect him."

'While I don't necessarily believe that it's true, it's what Asuka wants both Shinji and I to believe, and she seems unwilling to change her stance, even when confronted with my disapproval. And given how much she goes out of her way to avoid angering or disappointing me, for hold fast to a story that would invite both anger and disappointment from me...'

"I never promised him anything or even said that I liked him!" Some of Asuka's typical anger is beginning to surface. "All I said was 'let's kiss to kill time'. It's his fault if he took it too seriously!"

Calming down slightly, she adds, "It's not like I don't regret hurting him as badly as I did. But, damn it, I told him the truth, and he didn't like it or want to hear it! Still, I guess...I could have been nicer. It's not like I really hate him, but still...I just...I didn't know how else to get it through that idiot's thick skull!"

Asuka still refuses to look me in the eye when she says any of this. Part of me wonders if I should call her out on what she's holding back and trying so hard to deny.

But, the sadder and wiser part of me knows that it would be futile, and likely more harmful than helpful.

'She would likely deepen her denial even further out of the sheer terror of having to confront a truth she is blatantly uncomfortable with. And forcing her to confront that truth before she is ready would serve no purpose but to make it even harder to acknowledge, driving her to deeper and more harmful behavior to avoid or deny the revelation.'

No, this is something Asuka needs to decide for herself, when she is ready to accept it. Though, I acknowledge sadly, that day may never come. But there's nothing I can do to help her with that without just making everything worse.

'Of course, even if she did admit her feelings now, there's still Shinji's current attitude to consider.'

Shinji is, understandably angry and deeply hurt, and would possibly reject her even if she came to him with open arms and full disclosure.

It wouldn't even surprise me at all if she has completely ruined any chance of reconciliation with him. He doesn't hate her, but I know he meant it when he said he wants to be separated.

On that note...

All things considered, I really do think it's best that they do live apart from now on. They don't need the stress of having to deal with eachother at home on top of the stress of being child soldiers. So much is already at stake for them...and for all of us...and they're forced to carry the literal weight of the world on their backs until this damned war is over.

Maybe they'll miss eachother, but it can't be worse than what they're feeling now.

I still think...

'Ah, but it's not worth the strain it's going to put on them when they have so many other things to worry about.'

And, to be honest, maybe I'm wrong...I just don't know. And maybe my hopes for them were just my selfish need to divert Asuka's attention elsewhere.

Anyway...

"No one is saying you should have lied and pretended to be interested in him to spare his feelings. Indeed, doing so would be even more damaging. You weren't wrong to turn him away, Asuka. But you were wrong to exploit his feelings for you, knowing that you intended, ultimately, to throw him away if he couldn't fill the role you wanted him to, or when you no longer found him amusing enough."

I straighten up, my frown becoming a glare. "To take advantage of someone that way is deplorable, Asuka. I don't know if you considered that before this happened, but now, I trust, you understand what I mean. To be honest, I actually DO hope that temporarily forgot that Shinji was a human with feelings and emotions as acute and fragile as your own, and that you DID only think of him as some kind of object only there for your amusement when you chose to go through with this. While it would essentially be dehumanizing Shinji, it would constitute more of a lapse in judgment and a moment of insensitivity on your part, rather than genuine malice. But if you did this KNOWING it would hurt him, and simply did not care...then what you did, to put it lightly, would be an extremely base act of cruelty."

Asuka looks genuinely horror struck at this suggestion. "I-I just...I didn't think it through! I didn't think it would hurt him like this! I mean..."

Asuka expression changes to one of deep shame. "I knew he liked me. But I figured it was just because he was drooling over me just like any other stupid boy our age. I figured kissing him wouldn't be anything to him but some cheap thrill without strings attached that he could brag about to his idiot friends afterward."

Her expression hardens as she continues, "I considered the possibility that he might try to take it further than that and attempt to have his way with me, of course. But, with my combat training, I knew I'd have no trouble fending him off or incapacitating him if it came to that. And in any case, I was sure Shinji would never do anything like that to begin with, and he didn't, thankfully, even though I didn't rule out the possibility. But..."

Asuka sighs heavily, looking weary, "I didn't expect the idiot to fall for me. Maybe it was cruel to tell him the truth, that I was thinking of you during the kiss to keep myself from being sick, and to have ripped into him afterwards. But damn it, I was just being honest! Don't you see? I was only being cruel so that he wouldn't get the wrong idea. I needed to get it through his head that he had no chance of taking your place in my heart, and...it's not...like I was...lying...when...I said I imagined I was kissing you instead of him."

She tries to look directly at me, but still, her eyes are unable to meet mine directly. "You said it yourself, Kaji! It would've been cruel to mislead him! I made a mistake at first, I admit. But when I realized what I did, I tried to fix it and level with him."

Her voice begins to rise hysterically, not with anger...but with fear. "It's not my fault! Damn it, it's not my fault the idiot couldn't handle the fucking truth!"

'I wonder...how much of her distress is from the strain of lying to me while at the same time fearing that I will turn my back on her for her misdeeds...and how much of it is guilt at what she's done to the boy who's only crime was to finally admit how he felt towards her?'

"I'm sorry it made him want to run off to God knows where...but I just...I didn't...I wasn't prepared to...I know I could have done better and been nicer, but...I just...he needed to understand that he could never have me! He could never be what you are to me."

She promptly stands up, and with enough force to nearly knock me out of the chair, throws her arms around me. "Oh Kaji", she wails into my shoulder, "please don't hate me for this! I swear, I'm sorry I hurt him that badly! Just please...just don't...don't be angry! I know I did a bad thing, but please...don't leave me. I'd die without you, Kaji...I-I love you...please, don't be angry anymore...I know...I kn-know I'm horrible, b-but don't hate me...p-please don't leave like Papa did..."

Anything else she is saying dissolves into an indecipherable mess as she sobs uncontrollably into my shirt. Despite knowing I should still be reprimanding her, I just can't bring myself to stay visibly angry at this moment.

'Not that my anger has abated of course. As much as I care for Asuka, I'm not about to let her off the hook for this...'

Still...

Whatever Asuka's faults may be, whatever harm she might have caused tonight...I can never forget that she's the same injured and frightened little girl I met all those years ago; her mother dead, and beforehand, too insane to recognize her own daughter after a failed experiment, until she killed herself, her hanging corpse discovered by none other than Asuka herself...her bastard father, a womanizer who chose his mistress over his four year old daughter, sending her away to be someone else's problem...that woman, who was supposed to be her mother's caretaker, and was too busy fucking Mr. Langely in the next room, not even out of earshot...her extended family, except for her maternal grandmother, who died a year after her daughter hanged herself, too busy and too estranged to care about the little girl...

After a moment I give in, hugging her back. For awhile, nothing is said, as I let her pour out her grief into my shirt.

She had once told me about her promise not to cry ever again...one she had made at her mother's gravesite. I had learned of that on the day she broke her promise for the first time.

And it's at this moment that I think back to the last time I saw her cry before earlier tonight...

'That was back when Asuka was still training. There was a particularly tricky battle simulator scenario she had to pass, and despite her immense enthusiasm...or perhaps because of it...she was catastrophically sloppy, and kept failing it repeatedly. After a three days of her simulator performance getting worse with each try, the director of NERV-03, always a rather abrasive man, had at last lost his patience.'

While his furious tirade about her performance was not entirely inaccurate...he seemed to have forgotten somewhere along the line that he was talking to a ten year old girl, as he had apparently graduated from berating her performance to more personal attacks...calling her 'spoiled' and 'useless' amongst other things, and culminating in a open threat to have her replaced...

And concluded by saying that a doll would be more useful...

I had witnessed the tail end of that exchange...something I regretted at the time, though in the long run, might have been better for everyone involved. When Asuka ran off, I was too busy chasing her to express my...displeasure...with the director.

Asuka had finally stopped running when she reached one of the stairwells. Hiding herself in the space under the steps, I might not have found her so quickly if she hadn't started to cry then.

She hadn't been very happy to see me when I found her; this was back when Asuka hadn't yet trusted me...though she had been warming up for the last month or so.

But, ignoring her hostility and defensiveness, I had spoken to her then much the same way I had spoken to Shinji earlier; no pity...I knew it would only alienate Asuka further...just understanding.

It had also helped that the day in particular had been December 4, 2011...she hadn't expected cake or a gift and I think the surprise was a welcome distraction.

Things were different after that day...I can only assume it was because she realized I saw her as more than just a component to power a war machine.

But, despite my telling her that she didn't have to keep that promise never to cry, she made me swear never to tell anyone and never to bring it up again. Knowing I could not refuse, I agreed...and she never cried again. At least...not when she was awake.

Until tonight...

'No one knows better than me how much pride was standing in the way of such a display. I know this isn't just a ploy just to get herself out of trouble.'

After a while she releases me, smiling tiredly. "Thank you, Kaji."

Asuka returns to her chair, wrapping her arms around herself. "For not...for not abandoning me. I know I don't deserve it right now, but...it means a lot that you're still here..."

I smile internally at the earnestness of her tone. "I've looked out for you this long. I don't plan to back out just yet."

And I promptly feel a wave of disgust at these words.

 _Up until seeing Shinji on that ledge...and this little outpouring...your promise to keep looking out for her would've largely been a lie._

When I arrived here in Tokyo 3, I had originally intended to put gradual distance between Asuka and myself, devoting myself entirely to my mission(s), knowing that I would likely be dead before the year's end.

I told myself it was for the best. Best for me, so I could fulfill the purpose that has allowed me to live with myself all these years, without the fear of leaving behind the few loved ones I have.

Best for those who care for me in turn, not to have me at the forefront of their lives. My eventual death would only weigh them down otherwise.

But now...I look now at the broken and confused teenager sitting across from me, and I feel sickened.

'I abandoned those I loved before...and I would do the same thing to those who love me now...'

Sure, I'm not betraying them to be hunted down and killed...at least, I would hope not...but how could I ever have thought this would be easy or fair for Asuka?

'The one person who stuck with her when no one else would decides to go throw his life away because he himself can't live with his mistakes?'

I know that I must atone for my sins in the past...but have I chosen the wrong path? Has my true path to redemption...my right to continue living, even when I deserve nothing but to die painfully and alone...been right there in front of me for eight years?

'Or is this my second chance? Was the first chance the one I threw away mere months before meeting Asuka?'

I lied of course, when I told Katsuragi that I didn't know she had lied about finding someone else.

I knew she hadn't, but I pretended otherwise. I was weak, and I let her push me aside. Because, I myself was too afraid of what was happening to me...I doubted my feelings...and I let my lifelong obsession be my justification for leaving behind the first good thing to enter my life since Second Impact.

And because of that, eight years...eight years I could have spent with the woman I love have passed by, while I threw myself into the gears of the machinery that controls this world, to discover truths that may ultimately not save or benefit anyone in the end, all the while, setting myself up to be buried in an unmarked grave at the end of the road.

What am I doing?

What have I been doing?

What have I done?

'Asuka...if only you knew. You'd hate me...and rightly so.'

Asuka's voice brings me back to myself. "So...what happens now?" she asks, her expression uncharacteristically nervous and unsure. "I don't know what to do. I guess...I should probably..."

She turns to look in the direction of his room, and she begins to rise from her chair...then stops, slumping back down.

'Probably for the best that she doesn't talk to him right now anyway', I think to myself. 'Now is not the time.'

"Well, I guess it would be wrong of me not to ask...", Asuka says after a long silence. "How is he? Is he gonna be okay?"

I decide to frank with my response to that. "He's deeply hurt by what you've done."

"What am I suppose to do? I mean...I guess I could apologize but..."

"Eventually yes, you should. Though, I wouldn't recommend it right this minute, since he's sleeping...and also very angry. I doubt he'd been willing to hear you out at-"

"It's fine," Asuka cuts me off. A small, sad smile on her face, she continues, "I think...maybe it's better that way. The truth is...what good would apologizing do? I can't...do anything but hurt him. That's how it's been since the day I arrived here. I've used him as an emotional, and sometimes, literal punching bag from day one."

She speaks nonchalantly, but I can hear the self-disgust behind the calmness. "Why? He's an easy target. He always was. And I've resented him from the moment you told me how well he was able to synchronize with Unit 01 in his very first battle. His very existence here at NERV..." her expression darkens, "Is an insult to my credibility."

I see her hands clenching tightly into fists as the calm is deplaced by her signature frustration.

She continues, "Here he is, just some dumb kid they yanked off the street...granted, he is the Commander's son, but still...untrained, untested, and not in any way the type of person who should be fighting a war. Hell! He even admits that he hates having to pilot the Eva! And yet, here I am, the trained professional, the elite pilot...and not only does stupid Shinji have one more solo kill than me, but he had to save me after I got mine! I've trained my whole fucking life for this, Kaji! And this...dummkopf...keeps making me look like a goddamn amateur! It's bad enough that I already have to compete with Wondergirl...but some stupid clod they just threw into Unit 01 too? Ugh, it's infuriating! And the worst part is...I can't hate him for any of this!"

She struggles to calm herself down, breathing heavily. "I want to hate him. Gott, do I want to hate him for daring to take away what should be mine. But...I know he doesn't mean to do it. I know he'd be fine with me being the best. He's not trying to compete with me or make me look bad. And to make matters worse, he's a genuinely good person. He cares about Wondergirl, and you, and Misato, and, I guess until a little while ago, even me. How can I hate someone like that? I can't. I want to, but I can't."

She laughs mirthlessly, "I guess maybe if he hates me now, then at least he'll be better off. And I will be too. I've let him be a distraction for too long now. If he washes his hands of me, then I can do the same. And maybe then, I can surpass him, and prove once and for all that I am truly the best."

I can't help but wonder if she really does believe a word of what she just said. Well, I can at least believe that she resents Shinji's apparent natural talent with the Eva. After the hellish training she endured to get to the same place Shinji is in by nothing more than 'luck', it does make sense that she'd be frustrated by him. All the more reason to seperate them now before things can get uglier.

"Shinji doesn't hate you," I tell her firmly. "He's angry, yes, but not to the point of hatred."

"Well then, he's an idiot," Asuka says, the sad, resigned smile so uncharacteristic of her having returned once more.

"That said, however," I continue, "I think it best that you two be separated, starting tomorrow if possible."

"Yeah, I agree," says Asuka. Though she tries to look relieved, she really just seems more forlorn than ever. "In any case, once Misato hears about this, she'll probably want my head on a plate."

I don't bother trying to deny that, given that it's largely true. "Well, if Shinji stays here, then-"

"I could see about moving in with Hikari," Asuka interrupts. "It might be nice actually, living with her. Though her bitchy sister is going to want to know why I ditched her worthless friend at the amusement park. Eh, I never liked Kodama anyway, I'll just tune her out or something. At least Nozomi is tolerable though..."

And she goes on like that for awhile, listing the advantages of living with Miss Horaki rather than here. I suppose she thinks she's trying to convince me, even though I've been on board with idea since the moment she suggested it.

It's obvious to me though, who she's really trying to convince...

Eventually, the conversation ends, and I send her back to her room.

And as I make my way to the couch and lie down upon it, I think over all that has happened tonight...and about the path in life I have chosen...

'Even if I want to escape the lonely, unmarked grave in the distance...could I?'


	12. Upon The Threshold (pt3)

AN: Here is the first of the three updates this week.

So here's the last part of Chapter 4.

•3:28 AM

I'm not sure how long it's been since I crawled back into bed...how long I've been lying here, tired beyond belief...but unable to sleep.

It's deadly quiet in the apartment. The last sound I heard was Kaji opening Shinji's door, presumably to check on him before going to sleep on the couch.

I assume everything was okay with him, since Kaji closed the door and walked at a calm pace back to the living room.

Shinji...

I wonder if he's really asleep right now. Or did he hear everything of my conversation with Kaji? I just don't know.

If he is awake...

 _Go..._

I know Kaji said this was the wrong time to speak to Shinji...but I can't...

 _There might still be a chance..._

I just can't lie here in bed, doing nothing, not even able to sleep. I have to do something...even if Shinji is too angry to listen, I have to try...

 _Go now...this can't wait anymore...it's now or never..._

I need to tell him...everything...before I lose my resolve.

 _To hell with what Kaji said, now is the time!_

As silently as I can, I climb out of bed, and walk towards the door, step-

'You're insane'

By step-

'Don't do this to yourself'

By step-

'He'll turn you away'

By step-

'Or have you forgotten...'

I open the door-

'I imagined that you were Kaji...'

And step into the hall-

'Anyone else would do...'

I look from side to side-

'I don't love you and I never will...'

And move towards Shinji's door-

'You stupid, perverted, worthless excuse for a male...'

Reach for the handle-

'I HATE YOU!'

And open the door.

The room is exceptionally dark due to the lack of windows, and with a pang, I remember that this was once a storage closet.

I'm certain that Misato would have forced me to give back his room if he had pressed the issue...but he didn't...

I thought at the time...that it was just because he was too much of a wimp to fight back...

Given what he said earlier tonight...

'...I like you...'

Could it have been more than that?

 _There'll be time to ponder that later...now focus!_

After a few moments, my eyes better adjust to the dark, and I can just see his figure on the bed, silent and unresponsive. As I approach closer, each step feeling like a walk on thin, cracked ice, I hear his breathing...slow and even.

So, he is asleep...

And he appears to be undisturbed by my entrance. For a moment, I do nothing. I simply stare down at him.

Now what? Do I wake him?

 _That's kind of the idea..._

He's...sleeping so peacefully now...

As I stand there looking down, I think back to a September morning, just over a month past...

The night before, I had gone to the bathroom in a haze of fatigue...and disappointment.

I had...kinda, sorta extended an invitation to Shinji to join me in my room...several hours prior. That whole 'wall of Jericho' thing...

And he had utterly ignored it...although it did occur to me later that as a Japanese boy, he might be completely unfamiliar with the Old Testament story of Jericho.

But at that time, it had hurt...more than I thought it would...I don't even know why I attempted it in the first place...or what I'd have done if he'd accepted the invite.

Maybe I just wanted to test him to see if he'd work up the courage...but he didn't...

All I know is that I spent about an hour on my hands and knees with my head resting against the door...praying that it would open.

But it never did.

I went to lie down...but the lonely silence was overwhelming.

I did eventually start to drift off...but then I had to use the bathroom. And by the time I was heading back to bed, I was so tired I couldn't see straight, and I fell into the first bed I saw.

The weird thing was, I had immediately started dreaming that I had fallen into Shinji's bed instead of mine.

He of course, completely froze for a moment, seemingly terrified. But then, an odd glazed look had come over him, and he had started to move his face closer to mine...as if about to kiss me...I, for my part, was not as...disgusted...as I should have been...

But then, the dream had abruptly changed...

I was running down an unnaturally clean, dull white hallway that seemed far larger than it should have been...or maybe I was just smaller and shorter in my dream...

The bitter odor of antiseptics had filled my nostrils...a grim complement to the soullessly cold fluorescent lighting overhead, and the hollow silence of the early morning.

A clock on the wall rushed by...

12:03 AM...though out of the corner of my eye, I saw the number change.

I was shouting at the top of my lungs, my voice much higher pitched than normal...joyously proclaiming my acceptance into the Eva program.

'Now she'll look at me! She devoted her life to Eva Unit 02! Telling her that I am to be the pilot will surely make her proud! Even if she still just thinks I'm just 'that girl', surely she will at least smile at me, the soon-to-be pilot of her masterpiece! That alone would be more than I could ever ask for...'

"Mama! Mama, they chose me! I'm an elite pilot, now! I'm the best in the whole world! I must keep this a secret, but I'll only tell you mama! Everybody's so nice to me now, I

don't feel lonely anymore! I'm okay now, even without papa! Look

at me! Look at me, mama! Look mama-"

The door that I had been running towards had opened...

But something was strange...wrong...

The bed was empty...

But upon looking upward, I realized that room wasn't empty...

...

For a moment, I didn't understand...

The ghost of my last smile hadn't quite died from my lips, even as my eyes began to comprehend...

A motionless figure, not lying horizontally upon the bed...but hovering vertically above it...

A horrid spectre...

Eerily silent and unmoving...

The face was almost concealed behind a cloud of unkempt hair...

But not enough to conceal...

The eyes...unfocused, lifeless...

And the mouth...

That terrible mouth...

Curled into a ghastly, haggard grin...

And...without even moving its sightless, yet horribly bulging eyes to look at me, it spoke...

Whispering, almost lovingly...

"Asuka..."

The voice was soft...

"Asuka..."

The stiffened lips, the only part of the hanging figure that showed life, just barely parted to form the words...

"...die with me..."

...yet it's voice had filled the room, reverberating off the walls...turning into a hellish chorus...growing in volume...

"-iewithmediewithmediewithdiewithmediewimediemediewimeDIEWITHMEASUKAASUKASUKA-"

"Mama?..."

The corpse remained horribly, unnaturally immobile even as it's jaw slowly sagged open to unleash a gale of mirthless laughter...

Looking down, I saw something clutched in it's hands.

A doll...that doll she thinks is me.

As always, the doll smiled blandly at me, despite being gripped in a stranglehold by the clawlike fingers of the motionless, cackling spectre above me...

But...something...seemed different about the doll's face this time.

Slowly, I took a closer look...

And felt a scream of horror uncoiling itself inside my chest...as I stared down at my own face protruding from between the encircling hands...

Suddenly it had become hard to breathe, as...something...began to encircle my neck and-

I had woke with a start, breathing heavily, my face drenched in...sweat?

...or something else...my eyes had felt itchy and sore, as if...

My heart still racing from the grisly scene I had witnessed, I looked around frantically, fearing that with every turn of my head...that...THING...would be dangling before my eyes...staring balefully at nothing...it's near motionless lips whispering it's terrible, loving invitations...it's icy grip reaching out to encircle my throat...

But, my eyes revealed only Misato's apartment. However, there was something..off...when I examined my surroundings properly.

And then it had hit me...

I was in Shinji's bed.

Meanwhile, Shinji was fast asleep...in my bed.

I was about to wake him and angrily demand to know what kind of perverted trick he had pulled, when it occurred to me that in my tired daze, I hadn't really bothered to pay attention to which bed I fell into.

My musings were temporarily interrupted when Misato ordered me to wake up Shinji, who, in violation of our synchronization training had not awakened at even close to the same time as me.

I had moved immediately to comply with Misato's order, but as I looked down, I stopped in my tracks, pondering...

I smile softly in the darkness of Shinji's room at the memory...

I had taken a moment that morning to just watch him sleep. He looked so...peaceful.

Always a gentle soul...and so timid...

While awake, the boy was either a nervous wreck, or gloomily moping about. It was rare to see him truly happy. Or at least, it was rare for me.

Though I would never admit it to him, I always felt a little flicker of warmth inside when I saw him looking genuinely happy, even if it was from a distance. That smile of his...

In his sleep, he had looked...well, not happy, necessarily...but contented, and at peace...

Sadly, I had to break that peace eventually...

I was genuinely disappointed to have to ruin that moment. After all...it was...safe...to be near him when he slept...

Upon his awakening, Shinji seemed even more nervous around me than usual.

The reason for that was revealed later, after we had defeated the Seventh Angel, Israfel.

While furiously berating him for clumsily landing his Eva on top of Unit 02 in way that looked...embarrassing...to say the least...I had, based on my dream the night before, half-jokingly accused him of trying to kiss me while I slept.

The idiot promptly gave away that he had indeed tried to kiss me in my sleep.

Naturally, I was furious! Despite frequently calling him a pervert, I was surprised and disgusted that he had actually come so close to doing something like that.

Though...I was even more disturbed when he revealed that he had heard me muttering about Mama in my sleep...

I denied it, of course, praying that he'd drop the matter.

Thankfully, he did.

I didn't speak to him for almost a week after that day. Though...even now, I'm not sure if it was more because of him trying to kiss me, or because...I didn't want him to start...asking questions...

But, on one particular evening, he made a surprisingly competent effort at a German-style dinner, and apologized profusely for what had happened.

Recognizing the effort he'd gone to, I decided to...not forgive him exactly...but at least put the matter behind us.

Even so the part of me that felt that oh so unwelcome desire for him had been silenced for a time...at least until the day that I nearly died fighting the Eighth Angel.

After Sandalphon had, in its last defiant breath, severed the cables/coolant lines that held me aloft within the lava. Shinji had reached into the magma of Mount Asuma, his Eva completely unprotected, to save me and Unit 02 from falling into a certain death.

 _Which brings us back to why we're standing here right now..._

I return from my ruminations, to find myself standing exactly where I was before the flood of memories overtook me.

I wonder how long I've just been standing here, staring down at Shinji, immobile, unable to reach out my hand to wake him, having no idea of what to say.

What do you say, when you've-

Shinji begins to stir, and I turn to flee. I don't look back for fear that if I do, I'll see his eyes...those gentle blue eyes...wide with pain, fear, and confusion, or worse...narrowed with hatred and fury.

I flop down on the bed, disgusted with my cowardice, but relieved that Shinji didn't follow or shout after me.

Still, sleep eludes me, and even though I feel more exhausted than I ever have in my life, the terrible things I said circle through my mind in a haze like an awful mantra...and swimming before my eyes, an image that will likely haunt for a long time to come...Shinji's expression just before he turned and ran away; as broken and lifeless as a candle that has not only been snuffed out, but swatted to the floor, snapped in half and forgotten, left to disconsolately roll away away out of sight...forever...

And I remember how innocent and untroubled he had looked while sleeping back then...

If he can have a moment of peace like that now...after what happened...

After what I did...

Maybe...

Maybe...I owe him that much

 _But I know you! If you wait, you'll lose your nerve...and then you'll go back to the way you always are...and then he'll never know..._

Maybe that's better, ultimately.

'Don't fight it Asuka...this is how it's always been. This is how it will always be. It's better this way. For him as well. You'll always be alone in the end...so don't fight it anymore...'

Even if I did apologize...the next time I hurt him this way, it'll just be that much worse. Better just to walk away now, and never look back...and let him hate me, so that nothing I can or could do will hurt him again.


	13. Repeat & Regret

AN: The first segment is a bit of a throwaway. Kind of an mood setter at best. The next segment should, at least I hope, prove to be far more entertaining.

So, without further ado, let us begin Chapter 5

 _"There's no one to take my blame,_

 _if they wanted to._

 _There's nothing to keep me sane,_

 _and it's all the same to you._

 _There's nowhere to set my aim,_

 _so I'm everywhere._

 _Never come near me again,_

 _do you really think I need you?_

 _I'll never be open again,_

 _I could never be open again._

 _I'll never be open again,_

 _I could never be open again._

 _I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend,_

 _I'll never be open again._

 _I'll have no more dreams to defend,_

 _I'll never be open again."_

[MEDIA=youtube]qHz-JqYRSu8[/MEDIA]

- **"Space-Dye Vest"** by Dream Theater

Chapter 5-Repeat & Regret

•5:52 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

With a gasp, I awaken, my eyes snapping open in the dimly lit living room of Katsuragi's apartment. Sitting up shakily, I think back to the dream...the nightmare...

Like nearly all the visions that haunt my sleep, it was about the Second Impact...and the days that followed. It's usually me finding the dead bodies of my brother and our friends...but from time to time, such as just now, I'll dream instead of the days that followed... and what I had to do to surv-

'Not now,' I think to myself with a shudder. 'Please...not now. I have more important things to worry about...'

After shaking my head to clear it, I turn to look at the clock on the VCR, and see that the time is 5:53 AM; a little more than two hours since I last fell asleep after being awakened the first time...when I heard Asuka sneak out of her room...and into Shinji's.

As silently as possible, I had crept off the couch, and hidden myself at the far end of the hallway, listening intently. It had actually surprised me somewhat that Asuka was going against my advice not to talk to Shinji in his current state.

But, I chose not to interfere...unless it became necessary; so rather than stop her, I kept watch, and listened closely. While she was in there, I couldn't hear any movement from within and neither of them spoke a word, but after about five minutes, Asuka had burst out of Shinji's room, and ran back to her own.

A moment later, I walked over to Shinji's room to try to gauge what had happened in there. But when I poked my head in, all I saw was Shinji, fast asleep, seemingly undisturbed by Asuka's entry.

Thankful that Asuka had not been foolish enough to wake him, I turned and closed the door, returning to my bed upon the couch.

My guess was that the guilt was really chewing her up inside, making her unable to sleep. Then, she worked up the courage to attempt an apology...only to falter when she reached Shinji's room.

On the one hand, I'd have welcomed being proven wrong. On the other...perhaps it's best that Asuka lost her nerve.

I'm broken out of my reverie, however, by the sound of someone approaching. The footsteps are very light, and give a distinct impression of wanting to avoid detection. There's little doubt in my mind as to who it is...and sure enough, Asuka emerges into the living room, fully clothed in her school uniform and carrying her bag.

She turns and looks at me for a moment before seeming to decide that I'm still asleep. But as she turns to leave, I softly call out her name.

"Asuka."

Stopping dead in her tracks, her shoulders slumping, she turns to face me again, this time making eye contact. "Good morning Kaji," she drones, looking distinctly annoyed. "Did I wake you?"

I smile, as I remind her, "I'm a light sleeper. You know that."

"Well, I'm sorry I woke you." Though in truth, Asuka sounds more aggravated than repentant. "I'm leaving now anyway."

'Yes,' I say to myself, 'it would seem that you are...but where?' Out loud, I say, "Okay, I'll walk you out."

A moment later, I close the front door behind us, and turn to face her. If I had hoped that by offering to walk with her, I could both raise her spirits a little and prompt her without asking to tell me exactly where she's planning to go at this time of day, I was sadly mistaken. Taking one look at her glowering expression, I realize that she is not at all happy with my being here.

She maintains her stony silence until I ask her, "Aren't you leaving a little early for school?"

"Yeah, so?" she replies curtly, folding her arms.

"So..." I keep my voice level, but harden my tone and expression just a hair; enough to curb any more stonewalling from her. "I'd like to know where you're going, because I doubt that you're really going to school this early."

Asuka throws out her arms, now visibly angry as well as harried. "I'm going to Hikari's," she cries exasperatedly. "Happy? I want to walk to school with her is all!" She glares at me, agitatedly tossing her hair. "Can I go now?"

Truthfully, I kind of figured it might be that. Still...given her current state, naturally I'd want to be sure. After all, I stayed here tonight to protect her as much as I did to protect Shinji...if not moreso...

"Why not just call Miss Horaki, and have her meet you here?" I suggest, still feeling a bit leery of letting her wander off.

Sighing with irritation, Asuka rolls her eyes. "Kaji, I'm leaving now. Just butt out, okay?" And Asuka turns to leave.

Surprised by her hostility and defiance, I nonetheless refuse to give in, and let her walk away.

While I'm sure that she's probably just eager to avoid Katsuragi and Shinji...and that her agitation is due to not being able to conceal how much she needs the comfort of her best friend right now...I'd still much rather have Ms. Horaki come to her.

"Asuka, wait," I call out to her, and taking a few steps after her, manage to catch her shoulder with my hand.

I can tell you truthfully, If any one else tried doing that...especially anyone male...they'd be in for a very painful arm bar...or worse...before they could even blink. I've seen it happen too...it's not pretty. And when she turns around to face me, her furious expression makes me wonder if my own immunity has been seriously compromised.

But even faced with Asuka's wrath, my concern for her is no less genuine... and this sentiment must have shown through...for Asuka's demeanor visibly softens when she looks my in the eye, the anger melting away even as I begin to brace myself for it.

"Asuka." I speak softly. "I just...I'd much rather have Ms. Horaki come here to you. I don't like the idea of you wandering off on your own when you're feeling like this."

For a moment, she looks ready to argue, but I can tell she's giving in. Still, she looks nervously behind my back.

"I'm sure they're both still asleep," I reassure her. "Even so, we can wait for her outside the building. And if they happen to show up before Ms. Horaki gets here, I'll be here to defuse the situation."

With a sigh of defeat, Asuka nods. "Alright then, if it'll make you feel better, I'll wait here. Hopefully, Hikari won't mind coming here."

"I don't think she will. You've mentioned before that this is basically on her way to school anyway."

"True. Still...I've never asked her to walk with me though." Asuka looks sadly thoughtful at these words. "She's asked me before...but I always turned her down. She always went to school too early for my taste. The first time, she actually came here in person. Misato ended having to tell her that I was still sleeping and not about to wake up early."

She turns away and starts to walk towards the elevator.

"I guess I'd kind of deserve it if she said 'no'," she says more to herself than to me.

"Ms. Horaki is a nice girl. I'm sure that if she said 'no', it'd be for a good reason, not just because you've always said 'no'."

"Maybe..." Asuka replies skeptically.

'I think you underestimate your friend, Asuka.' I think to myself. 'I think Ms. Horaki will know just by the sound of your voice how much you need a friend right now.'


	14. Repeat & Regret (pt2)

AN: This is the final post for this week. Here we have Misato...waking up to a killer hangover :/

I owe Panther2G a thank you for this part! I was stuck on one part, and he helped me finish it. Thank you good sir!

Enjoy! :)

•7:32 AM

I open my eyes and OH GOD, THE PAIN!

GAH! SOMEBODY TURN THAT FUCKING LIGHT OUT!

Oh wait...that's the early morning sun filtering into my room. Not much anyone can do about that.

Oh...oh...my head...how much did I drink?

'Well, lets see...there was the-'

I try to remember all the rounds I threw back...

'Oh...oh shit...'

Big mistake...

I leap out of bed as my stomach begins to clench ominously, a heaving sensation beginning to work its way upward.

'Bucket! Need a bucket! Gonna fucking hurl all over everything unless I get a trash can, sink, toilet, bathtub, laundry basket. Empty or not, it doesn't matter at this point!'

I just manage to hold it back, but nonetheless, I feel an unpleasant burning at the roof of my mouth.

'Oh god, can't hold it back much longer...'

Now, for the love of Buddha, where the hell is the-

Ah, yes! Bathroom!

Bathroom, come to mama!

Mama needs you, bathroom!

Bursting through the bathroom door like TNT, I frantically scan the room until...

There you are, my love! Come to mama!

And I hug that toilet like it's my bestest best friend in the whole world...and just like any good bestest best friend would do after their idiot friend drank too much, my bestest best friend the toilet lets me puke all over it...and not necessarily into it.

HUAGH!

'Ahhh, much better. Now what was that other thing I was worried ab-uh-uh oh goddammit!'

HUAGH!

'Okay, now my aim is getting better at least. Now where was I?'

Oh yeah...

HUAGH!

'Geez, seriously, I don't think I ate THAT much. Where the hell is all this coming fro-'

Hold that thought...

HUAGH!

"M-M-Misato," a familiar voice next to me says, sounding worried, "are you okay?"

"Ugh, fanfuckingtastic," I respond dryly, without turning around.

"Here, let me hold your hair out of the way," says Shinji nervously.

"Thanks, but I think I'm- uh-"

HUAGH!

"Uhh, uhh, done now. At least I hope," I mutter bitterly.

Shinji puts a comforting hand on my back. "Here, uh, let me help you up. I'll get you some coffee."

Grateful for the help, I turn to smile at him. "Thanks Shinji, but just give me a minute to get my bearings and-"

Wait.

"Shinji?"

Wanting to be sure I'm not just imagining things, I turn all the way around, directly facing the boy...

"SHINJI!"

And promptly seize him in a tight hug!

"YOUREHEREYOUREOKAYIWASOWORRIEDANDWHERETHEHELLDIDYOUGODONTEVERRUNOFFLIKETHATAGAINYOUIDIOT..."

While I babble at the top of my lungs and tighten my grip on him even more, he struggles to free himself.

"M-Msst! Cnt brth!"

Looking down, I see that I've buried the poor kid's face rather deep into my chest.

"Oops, heh heh. Sorry Shinji."

"Gah hah hah, it's hah okay hah hah Misato," he replies through gasping breaths.

"It's just...I'm just glad that you're okay," I say, smiling as I pull him into another, more gentle hug.

But, as I soon as I pull back, I give him my sternest expression. "Now Shinji, I might be glad to see that you're alright, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook, mister! Now I want to know wh- ugh, shit! Hold on-"

I turn back to the toilet.

HUAGH!

"Hey, Katsuragi!" a familiar voice calls out cheerily. "How goes it?" Footsteps far heavier than Shinji's thump closer from the entry hall.

HUAGH!

I decorate the bowl with yet another donation. Damn it! Why does he have to be here at a time like this? I carefully crane my head around, keeping my face near the bowl, but manage to move far enough to shoot a squint-eyed glare at the tall man in the doorway. The bastard looks awake and clear-eyed, and even found time to change into fresh clothes. "Kaji! What the hell are you still doing here? God, what time is it? What did you crash here or someth- ugh- ugh- oh fuck m-"

HUAGH!

Once more I pour out the, apparently rather vast, contents of my stomach into the toilet, while he steps closer, gathering my hair in his hand. It's hardly the first time he's seen me like this, or held my hair, though it's been years. I try not to show how much I've missed the feeling of his fingers brushing my neck.

"Might want to settle down a little Katsuragi. The way you're going, you're likely to bring your stomach or liver up on the next one," he says in that annoyingly chipper voice of his. "Shinji," he turns to the boy, and while his tone doesn't change, he gives Shinji a pointed look, "Why don't you run along. Get a nice early start for your walk to school."

"Oh...okay," he responds, getting to his feet. Shinji shuffles awkwardly around us in the crowded bathroom and squeezes out past Kaji.

I can hear Shinji rattling around in the kitchen and gathering his lunch and bag to leave. "Now you just hold on a second there Shinji," I begin, not wanting to drop the subject, but Kaji gives me a look. I shift my glare to him, brushing his hand away from my neck and starting to stand up.

He blocks me from leaving the bathroom. "Let him go Katsuragi," he says firmly. "We'll talk when you're feeling up to it." He's careful not to raise his voice. I search his face. He's serious about this, for whatever reason.

Still reluctant to let Shinji go gallivanting off to school without an explanation, I try to argue, but Shinji has already gathered up his things and is well on his way to the front door. Though, before leaving, he calls back, "uh Kaji, where's-"

"She already left," Kaji responds.

"Oh...I see," comes the reply from the living room. There's tension in his tone, and Kaji's. And it's obvious that they're talking about Asuka.

I hear Shinji speak briefly to Pen Pen, followed by the sound of the front door opening and closing, and with his departure, a certain heaviness seems to fill the room. I immediately turn to face Kaji. "Okay, now it's just us. Tell me, what the hell is going on here! And no bullshit, Kaji."

But all of cheeriness Kaji had displayed earlier is gone now, and he looks surprisingly grave.

"Let's go to the table."

I nod, feeling a sense of mounting dread.

'Just how bad could this be?'

He leads me to the kitchen, sitting us both down at the table. And, after a brief silence, he begins to speak...


	15. Repeat & Regret (pt3)

AN: WARNING! This AN is quite a long one, and has mild spoilers.

This week will see yet another three segments uploaded.

This one is a bit of a throwaway...not least because it's more than half the first segment from Asuka's POV instead of Kaji's. But, nevertheless, necessary to advance the plot, so here you are.

Actually, if I must be honest (and I prefer to be so as much as possible), it's going to be a rather long time until we see any real Angel activity outside of a flashback next chapter and the upcoming in-universe reveal of Lilith's existence.

Unfortunately, despite Leliel's arrival being a mere three days away in the story itself (Sunday, October 18), the Angel of Night will not be appearing until the 20th segment of Chapter 7...and that's still quite a ways off.

All of Chapter 5 (5 segments remaining out of 7) and Chapter 6 (19 segments), and the first 3 segments of Chapter 7 take place on October 15.

Unfortunately, one of the BIG drawbacks with the shifting POVs, is...well...having to shuffle POVs at the cost of moving the plot forward quickly.

That said, I'm quite proud of what I've accomplished thus far. But...if I lose some of you over the slow pace (though, it SHOULD pick up a bit after Leliel at least, with far fewer chapters separating the Angel fights), I'll more than understand.

Perhaps I'm a bit too honest for my own good...but I feel bad knowing that a lot of you probably really want to see the battle against Leliel, only for there to be an IMMENSELY long wait before it happens.

For those of you who are really enjoying the various conversations and character reactions however, I expect that you'll find much to enjoy...especially in the two chapters after this :)

There's a bit of filler...but there are a lot of moments I'm especially proud of too :)

If you all are willing to stick with me through this, I hope you'll enjoy what I've written as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Anyways, onto segment 5.3. The POV ball is back in Asuka's court on this not-so-lovely October morning.

AN EDIT!: I stated that there would be an Angel flashback in this week's updates. I was mistaken; it's not until next chapter. I apologize for the misinformation.

•5:56 AM

My alarm isn't set to go off for more than hour, but I just can't wait that long. For over two hours, since I ran out of Shinji's room, I've been trying to sleep. But even though I'm exhausted, I just...can't.

Well, to hell with it then!

Throwing off my blankets, I rise to my feet and start to get dressed in my school uniform. I don't have to be there until 8:30, but...I just need to get away.

Maybe I'll walk to Hikari's house and then walk to school with her. That should work out time wise.

All I know is, I don't want to face Misato or Shinji when they wake up.

As I put on my socks and shoes, I wonder how I'm going to explain my early arrival at Hikari's house. She'll probably be innocently curious as to why I'm there, but...if I lie about it...well, Hikari is actually good at reading people...except, of course for Jock Stooge, and seeing that he likes her.

But anyway, Hikari's going to press me if she thinks I'm lying. I know it's just because she'll be worried, but...I don't think I can stomach telling her everything. And...what will she think of me...if I do tell her...or if she finds out?

'Don't think about that right now, just focus on getting away from here, and clearing your mind.'

Several minutes later, fully dressed, I walk to my door, and as quietly as I can, I walk out into the hallway. The whole apartment is silent and still, no sounds of life, save for my soft footsteps on the carpet.

My heart is banging against my chest, the terror of possibly waking anyone and having to face them right now filling every limb with the jangle of adrenaline.

At last, I've made it to the living room. I look over at the lump under a blanket on the couch, hoping I haven't roused him either.

I tiptoe my way towards the kitchen, but just as I reach the threshold...

"Asuka?"

The voice is deep and male, so thankfully it isn't Shinji or Misato, but still...I turn around to see Kaji sitting up on the couch.

"Good morning Kaji," I say dully. "Did I wake you?" Kaji smiles slightly. "I'm a light sleeper. You know that."

It was true; when I lived with him, anytime I went to wake him up for something...he would always already be awake. Always...it was weird, like he never slept.

Of course...after he told me a bit of his past during the aftermath of Second Impact...

"Well, I'm sorry I woke you. I'm leaving now anyway." And I turn to leave.

"Okay, I'll walk you out," he says, rising to his feet. He follows me outside, and after closing the door behind him, turns to face me.

Should've figured he'd want to talk with me before I left. Well, no getting out of it now, I guess.

"Aren't you leaving a little early for school?" he asks. His tone is pleasant, but his eyes are fixed on me with a sharp intensity.

"Yeah, so?" I shoot back, making it clear to him I do NOT want to talk right now.

"So...I'd like to know where you're going, because I doubt that you're really going to school this early." His tone, while still pleasant, brooks no argument.

"I'm going to Hikari's," I reply with some exasperation. "Happy? I want to walk to school with her is all." I throw my hair back impatiently, glaring at Kaji. "Can I go now?"

Kaji folds his arms, leaning back against the wall, his eyes narrowed with skepticism. "Why not just call Miss Horaki, and have her meet you here?"

I sigh with frustration. Apparently Kaji isn't getting the simple fact that I don't want to be here right now. Or he's choosing to ignore it. "Kaji, I'm leaving now. Just butt out, okay?"

And I turn to leave, walking towards the elevator.

"Asuka, wait." Kaji pushes away from the wall in time to put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I would have melted at the touch of his hand. But now, I have only the desire to throw it off and run as far away as possible. But when I look back and see his face, something stops me.

Kaji looks...worried. Is it possible that's the whole reason he's trying to stop me?

"Asuka," he says in a quiet voice, "I just...I'd much rather have Ms. Horaki come to here to you. I don't like the idea of you wandering off on your own when you're feeling like this."

For a moment, I want to argue back...

But what would I say? Truthfully, it does make more sense for Hikari to stop here, since it's essentially on her way to school. But...I'm less worried about the inconvenience than I am about...the possibility that Shinji or Misato could come out here right now...

And I'm not ready for that. I don't know that I ever will be either...

Noticing the way I keep glancing over his shoulder at the apartment door, Kaji smiles reassuringly and says, "I'm sure they're both still asleep. Even so, we can wait for her outside the building. And if they happen to show up before Ms. Horaki gets here, I'll be here to defuse the situation."

With that, I decide that I no longer have a reason to argue with him, and sigh heavily in resignation. "Alright then if it'll make you feel better, I'll wait here. Hopefully Hikari won't mind coming here."

Kaji looks greatly relieved at this. Smiling he says, "I don't think she will. You've mentioned before that this is basically on her way to school anyway."

Several minutes, and one cellphone call later, Kaji and I sit outside the building waiting for Hikari to arrive, enjoying the wonderfully cool and pleasant early morning; the oppressive heat and humidity of Japan's permenant summer still several hours away.

Not for the first time, I find myself wishing that the Angels had chosen to attack Berlin instead of Tokyo 3. Not that I really wish the destruction of this war on my own country, but still...the knowledge that Japan will never see another autumn makes me homesick when I realize that back in Germany, the leaves will be just starting to change color, the weather becoming more and more pleasantly mild as the countdown to winter commences. And more than that, I miss my native language, the familiar foods, the sounds, smells, sights, and culture of my homeland.

And what's more, if the Angels had come to Germany, maybe I wouldn't be so far behind Shinji and Wondergirl, having to struggle to keep up just to uphold my reputation. I'd probably have already racked up an enviable kill count, and wouldn't have needed help from anyone to do it...well, except for maybe the Seventh, Eighth, and Tenth Angels, but who knows; if I'd had a different commanding officer, maybe they'd have come up with strategies that didn't require more than one Eva to fight those Angels.

Though there is one thing, I admit, that I don't miss about home though...I never had friends back in Germany. Here, I at least have Hikari and...well, I HAD Shinji. For all my bullying of him, which at times involved teasing him, despite knowing perfectly well that he was attracted to me, the simple truth is...and I'm becoming more and more aware of it every passing minute...is that I genuinely trust him, I value his good nature, and I enjoy his company. And I threw all of that away last night. Now, I'm too ashamed to even face him.

I hang my head, staring down at my knees. I wonder if it would have been better for everyone if the Angels had chosen Berlin as their target, then I could have stayed there. And if everything had worked out properly, there might have been no need to send the First and Third Children over there.

Or they could have sent just one...I guess I could stomach having to work with Wondergirl at least. But Shinji...I clench my fists fretfully. It would have better if Shinji and I had never met eachother. Better for both of us...better for him.

Strange...why is it that I care so damn much about him when he's not around? The moment I get near him, all I can think about is how much he pisses me off. Well, soon it won't matter I guess. I'll only see Shinji at NERV and school after today, then hopefully, once I'm living with Hikari...well...if she's okay with it anyway...everything will go back to normal for me. Speaking of my new living arrangements...

I turn to look at Kaji, who himself seems to be lost in thought.

"I take it you're going to tell Misato everything today?", I ask.

With a jolt of surprise, Kaji snaps out his musings and turns to face me. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

Patiently, I repeat, "I asked if you were going to tell Misato...everything about what happened."

Kaji nods in agreement. "Yes."

"Any advice you can give me?" I ask, my tone vaguely joking, despite the seriousness of the question.

Kaji smiles wryly in response. "You weren't afraid to show me that you regretted what happened. Do the same with her."

"If she doesn't automatically rip my head off when I walk in the door after school," I say bitterly. "To make matters worse, she's always favored Shinji over me. I'd just best hope that she doesn't let her anger with me affect her professionally. I really don't fancy being sent on a suicide mission or used as Angel fodder."

"Now Asuka," Kaji reproaches, "Katsuragi would never do such a thing to you. She won't be happy about what's happened, but she'd NEVER throw you to the wolves out of spite, I assure you. And in any case, when I tell her, I'll make sure to talk down the worst of her anger." He smiles bracingly at me. "You have my word that by the time you talk with her, she'll at least be reasonable."

"Hey, Asuka!" I turn to see Hikari walking up the street towards us.

"Hi Hikari," I respond, attempting a smile.

"Oh, hello Mr. Kaji," Hikari says turning to Kaji as she comes to a stop.

"Good morning Miss Horaki," Kaji replies with a smile. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," Hikari says with a small bow.

Hikari then turns to me. "So, are we ready to go?"

"Yeah, I'm all set," I tell her.

"Alright then. Bye Mr. Kaji."

I turn to Kaji. "See you later then. And Kaji..." I hesitate for a moment. "Thank you."

Kaji just smiles reassuringly in response before turning to leave.


	16. Repeat & Regret (pt4)

AN: Here's the next one. We're back to Kaji once more.

•6:38 AM

As I sat out here with Asuka, waiting for Miss Horaki to arrive, my thoughts had begun to wander over the events of the last fifteen hours...

And now, as I watch Asuka and her friend disappearing into the distance, the same train of thought begins to tug on my conscientiousness again.

It began at that silly wedding Katsuragi and I attended. Well, Ritsuko was there too, but...after the words Katsuragi and I shared on the walk home, I hardly even remembered her being there.

When we had walked home from the bar last night, for the first time in ten years, she had opened her heart to me. The first time since...ah, yes that week in September...

Stretching as I stand up, I make my way back to my apartment. I think a change of clothes and a shower are in order. And as I walk, my thoughts begin to sail ten years into the past...

Back then, for the two years Katsuragi and I spent together, both us just coasted on the high of being together, the thrill of making love, having someone to hold to stave off the crushing isolation we both felt in the wake of our losses.

After one particularly nasty fight in September of 2005, we made up by spending a week...a full week, holed up in Katsuragi's room. And we talked...she cried in my arms...in her lap, I confessed my sins...and when the walls between us began to crumble, we threw ourselves into the frenzied caldera...it was a week of paradoxes in unbridled pleasure...tenderness and ferocity...the time raced by, and yet it was a lifetime...we greedily drank of eachother, while we gave all we had to give of ourselves...

The memory of that week makes me pick up my pace. God, I REALLY need that shower now.

At last, I've reached my front door. Entering my apartment for the first time in almost a full day, I look around and realize...just how dismal the place is. Not uncomfortable or even ugly. Just...cold. Uninviting. I never noticed before...or maybe I just didn't care.

Stepping out of my clothes and into the shower, I once again...immerse myself...in memories...

'Ah...those seven and a half days...that was the climax of it all...'

No pun intended, of course.

But then, things had started to change. As we grew steadily closer, in the rising heat of our passions, our imperfections began to bubble to the surface, insecurities rearing their ugly heads.

And just like the climax of any story, even one that had come so early, it had been followed by a steady decline, until the ending of the story came to pass in June of 2007. After another fight that had dwarfed the one proceeding our week of paradise, we instead spent more than two weeks in cold silence.

Then...the silence was broken by Katsuragi asking me to meet her. I confess...part of me knew what was coming, and welcomed it...even as part of me dreaded it, and hoped against all logic that I was wrong.

On a day like that, it should have been raining. At least the sky should have been a morose iron grey, rather than bright, cheerful blue and speckled with clouds, with the sun shining down and with a cool breeze to dispel the oppressive heat of midday. But, life isn't like the movies...

We had stood outside the entrance of her dorm building, both of us silent for a time. Then the words had spilled forth from her mouth. Words full of empty venom...she had someone else, she had been seeing him for a year, and during our lovemaking, had thought of him the whole time so she could pretend to still be aroused, and she wasn't sorry in the least...she hated me, she couldn't stand the sight of me anymore, told me to crawl back to a girl she had once caught me looking at months ago, then threw a box containing everything I had ever given her at my feet, spilling the contents everywhere.

"Take your shit, and get out of my life," were the last words that passed between us for the next eight years, as she turned and walked away.

Throughout that whole exchange, I spoke not a single word. I stood there, and like a rock against a maelstrom, withstood her wrath...knowing it was all bluster.

Shutting off the water, I step out of the shower and into a set of fresh clothes. While not dressing in my best, I do decide to put a little more effort into it than usual.

'Could I have called Katsuragi out on her lies?'

Naturally.

I had always been good at reading people, and knew she was lying. And I knew she was trying to hurt me as much as she could so that I wouldn't follow her. She needn't have bothered...when she dumped me, it saved me the trouble of having to ultimately do the same to her.

I was scared you see...we both were...of how close we were becoming to one another.

Not to mention...I had always been ashamed of what made me seek her out in the first place...

Despite how I later came to feel, my initial motives when I introduced myself to her were less than pure...but not in the way one would think.

One day, in early 2005, I had received a message from a fellow Second Impact conspiracy theorist I'd been in contact with, telling me that the sole survivor and witness of Second Impact was attending the same college as me.

Finding her had been easy, but winning her trust had been...rather easy as well. That was when I had first started to hate myself...even more than I already thought possible...for what I was doing.

While she did have quite a temper, and it wasn't overly difficult to set her off, she was...

Far from being the bitter, taciturn shell of a human being I had expected, she was lively, energetic, and had a capacity for a sweetness and affection that always seemed more genuine than that from other people.

She was very much a woman of extremes in that way, and in...others...

She rarely, if ever, seemed to hold back, or do things half way...

'I suppose that's one reason her leaving hurt so much...'

She had generally been so honest with me...for her to lie then...it hurt almost as much as her actual departure from my life.

Though, I suppose I should be grateful...it would have hurt me more if I had been the one who had to turn my back on her.

I shake my head as I examine myself in the mirror.

'Love 'conquers all', they say?'

Bullshit.

I loved her then as I love her now...and I still turned my back on her as much as she turned her's on me. Of course, I never knew if she even loved me back. I still don't...

But after last night...well, she was drunk when she said everything...but I know it came from the heart. And I feel that somethings changed in the way we see eachother.

'Well...I'll have to talk to her when she's sober to confirm it-'

But...

I shouldn't want this, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her. I never did. And now it's too late. I'm on a road of no return, and if I don't push her away, I may drag her down with me. And she deserves to live and be happy with someone...anyone else.

Like that guy who works on the bridge in Central Dogma...Hyuga, I think his name is.

But then I remember the night before...the feel of her mouth on mine, but even more; the sensation of holding her, trying to ease her pain and protect her from herself when she began to fall apart at the seams...

'Damn it! Damn me! Am I really so weak that I can't face my final days alone? If I really love her, I should leave her alone...'

Like I tried to leave Asuka? Phasing her out little by little, eventually to walk out of her life and leave her to the mercy of this war? I wonder...who was I really trying to protect when did that?

And now Shinji...granted, I was never very close with him...but, I know how much he's come to mean to Katsuragi. And when I saw his face after he climbed down from the ledge...well, he clearly needed someone to listen to him, and a vote of encouragement.

As someone who understands how it is to be viciously rejected by the one you love...even if the rejection hadn't been sincere...I feel the need to look out for him now.

He's stronger than he thinks he is...stronger certainly than I was at his age, but still...even if Katsuragi can be there for him...I want to be there too

And likewise...I want to be there for Asuka. She's a victim of herself just as much as Shinji is, if not more so.

I tried for so long to assure myself she was getting better, that time was healing her...

The events of the previous night have rudely awakened me to ugly truth of that empty hope. And after all that's happened, how can I turn my back on her?

Fully dressed and ready for the day, I depart for Katsuragi's.

'How can I turn my back on any of them now?'


	17. Repeat & Regret (pt5)

AN: Well the bad news is, this here is the last update for this week (though...I could maybe, possibly be tempted to add just ONE more this week. Be sure to mention in the reviews whether or not you'd like to see another segment this week)

The good news, on the other hand, is that this is Hikari's debut POV.

Enjoy :)

•6:13 AM

*ring ring ring*

I put down the bento box I'm making, and dash over to the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi Hikari", says the voice on the other end.

"Hi Asuka," I respond cheerily. "You're sure up early today. What's up?"

"Oh...nothing really."

I can tell at once that she's lying to me. Aside from the fact that Asuka is NEVER up this early, I also notice something in her tone.

"Actually, I wanted to see if you'd be up to walking to school together this morning," Asuka continues.

Slightly taken aback by this odd request, I hesitate. Normally, Asuka walks to school with Shinji, or alone. I do walk home with her sometimes, but still...this is the first time she's asked to walk TO school with me; probably because I leave so early in the morning, and Asuka tends to leave at the last minute.

It makes me wonder if something is wrong. "Uh, well, sure Asuka. But..."

"But what?" The question sounds rather tense. Unsure of how to voice my concerns, I choose to wait until I meet up with her to ask any questions.

"Nothing," I answer quickly. "I just need to finish packing lunches for me and my sisters, and I'll be right over."

"Okay." Asuka sounds grateful...relieved almost. "I'll see you soon then?"

"Yeah," I tell her. "I'll be on my way out in about ten minutes."

"Alright," she says, "I'll see you when you get here. Bye."

"Bye Asuka." And I put the phone back on the hook.

'That was strange.' I say to myself. Not only is Asuka up early, but...she asked, not practically demanded, but ASKED if I could walk to school with her. And what's more, she seemed genuinely grateful that I agreed. Almost like she was afraid I'd say 'no'. Well, I suppose I might get some answers when I see her.

Soon, I finish packing the lunches. Before placing them in the fridge, I label them 'Kodama' and 'Nozomi'. Then, turning around to grab my bag, I call out a hurried goodbye to Father and head for the door.

A short time later, I walk down the street, Asuka's apartment building looming closer and closer until, looking straight ahead, I see Asuka herself as well as Mr. Kaji sitting on a bench outside. They appear to be deep in conversation.

Given Asuka's feelings for him, I'd have expected her to look happier while having an intimate conversation with the 'man of her dreams' as she has so frequently referred to him. But I can see, even from here, that she looks deeply troubled, not to mention careworn.

Asuka normally goes out of her way to look clean and tidy, and is especially finicky about her hair; frequently she has refused to go out somewhere with me on the grounds that she has no time to fix her hair.

This morning, her red mane is completely disheveled, and looking closer, I see that she hasn't even put in her red barrettes. I frown slightly, and think to myself, 'Something must be wrong. This isn't like Asuka at all.'

And although I usually disapprove of eavesdropping, I decide to try to catch some of the words drifting their way towards me. But they're speaking in such low voices that I can't hear a word until I'm nearly on top of them.

"-ve my word that by the time you talk with her, she'll at least be reasonable," the older man is saying in a reassuring voice.

So, it's probably an issue with her guardian, Miss Katsuragi. Deciding not to make my eavesdropping obvious, I call out to make my presence known. "Hey, Asuka!"

Asuka and Mr. Kaji turn to face me, Asuka rising to her feet. "Hi Hikari," she replies. She attempts a smile, but it looks forced.

Deciding to withhold my questions for later, I turn to greet Mr. Kaji as I come to a stop in front of them.

"Good morning Miss Horaki," Mr. Kaji replies with a smile. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," I respond with a bow. As I straighten up, I note that Mr. Kaji himself looks tired and troubled.

Turning back to Asuka, I ask, "So are we ready to go?"

"Yeah," she nods. "I'm all set."

"Alright," I say, smiling. And with that, we walk away side by side. "Bye Mr. Kaji," I call over my shoulder.

To my right, Asuka stops, and turns to look at Kaji.. "See you later then," she says to him. "And Kaji..." She pauses, seemingly unsure of how to word her thoughts. After a moment, she smiles; a sad smile, but genuine. "Thank you."

Kaji smiles back, before turning away to leave.

Proceeding forward, we walk in silence for awhile. Looking over at Asuka, I notice that far from walking with her usual straight-backed posture, head held high and tilted up so as to stare down her nose at anyone of equal or lesser height...her eyes are downcast and at times, she seems to be staring at the ground. Her shoulders are slumped, her head slightly bowed, and she seems to be clutching her books to her chest rather tightly.

Unable to withhold my curiosity any longer, I turn to my friend.

"Asuka?" I ask tentatively. "Are you okay?"

Asuka's head snaps up before turning to face me. "Huh? Whaaa? Uh, yeah, I'm...uh, fine Hikari. N-never better."

She flashes a big toothy smile about as convincing as a tabloid news headline.

"Asuka," I say in a voice firmer than I would normally use with her, "Come on. I can tell that something is going on here, and that whatever it is is eating you up inside."

Asuka recoils a little at my tone, but quickly counters, "It's nothing! Don't worry about it, Hikari."

Not to be deterred, I press on, "Asuka...you're not acting like yourself today. I mean, you're never up this early for one thing, you look like you haven't slept at all in the last twenty-four hours, and...it's kind of obvious that you haven't brushed your hair at-"

Asuka turns her alarmingly fierce glare towards me mid-sentence. "So what, you'd rather not have walked with me then?! Just because I look a little more scruffy than usual?!"

Horrified, I hurriedly cry out, "it's not like that Asuka! I'm just concerned is all." Asuka continues to frown, though her anger seems to be fading quickly.

"Asuka," I say gently, "you're my friend. It's normal for someone to worry when their friends are acting strangely. I really didn't mean any offense, and-"

"I know, I know," Asuka cuts across, sounding impatient. But her expression softens slightly, despite her tone. "I know you didn't mean to upset me. No one ever does, really. And yet..." She trails off, raising her arm in a one-armed shrug of exasperation.

But the jab seems directed at herself, judging by the mournful expression working its way across her face.

We walk in silence for several more minutes. All the while, I try to brainstorm a way to get Asuka to open up to me. Then I remember...

Her date last night! Maybe it went really badly. I mean...what I overheard her saying to Kaji doesn't seem to line up with that being the problem, but...at least if I broach the subject, maybe it'll lead to more revelations about what's bothering her.

"So, um," I begin tentatively, as Asuka turns to face me, "how was...how was your date with Yoshiaki?"

Asuka scowls. "Ugh. Let me answer that with another question. How tall would you say he is?"

"Uh," I frown at the strange question. "About 5' 7" I guess?"

"5' 7" huh? I didn't know you could stack shit that high," Asuka deadpans.

Well, that answers that I guess.

Part of me wants to giggle, and part of me wants to reproach her for her vulgarity.

I settle for mild disapproval. "Asuka, surely he wasn't that bad."

Asuka rolls her eyes, probably finding my 'prudishness' annoying. "He was a goddamn joke. Vain, shallow, pretentious...and," her scowl deepens, "he kinda creeped me out. It was weird. He tried to put up a front of being some sort of proper gentleman...while at the same time invading my personal space in a way that was clearly intentional, all the while trying to play it all off as accidental or just his 'natural awkwardness'. In other words," her eyes narrow dangerously, "I saw right though him. The way he kept...looking at me..."

Even in her indignation, I could swear that at one moment, Asuka had forcefully repressed a shudder.

I myself could not suppress the shiver I felt at her words. Toshiro Yoshiaki always seemed alright to me, though...now I think back...his interactions with Kodama...and sometimes myself...were fraught with 'uncomfortably awkward' moments where he had seemed to lack a sense of personal space.

Maybe it's just Asuka being paranoid. Honestly, she seems to have unreasonably high standards for boys.

But still...

'I'll have to watch Yoshiaki a little more closely next time Kodama has him over.'

Returning to the problem at hand though...

However unpleasant Asuka's date was, she doesn't seem to be willing to elaborate on how it's connected to her demeanor this morning.

Indeed, she's fallen silent once more, giving absolutely no indication that she has anything further to add. I know she doesn't want my help...or maybe she's just too proud to ask...but I can't just let her stew in her misery like this.

Though it seemed like Mr. Kaji had no trouble talking to her earlier...

Then it hits me. 'Kaji! Of course!'

It HAS to be something to do with him. Maybe he'd finally put his foot down and fully rejected her, the way he should have a long time ago. Not that I don't want Asuka to be happy, but I've always disapproved of Asuka seeking the affections of a thirty year old man.

I mostly kept that disapproval to myself out of respect, but I always told myself that if he did showed any signs of 'accepting' Asuka's advances...well, I certainly wouldn't have kept silent any longer. But, he never struck me as 'that' type, given that he always kept Asuka at arm's length, and seemed profoundly uncomfortable with her solicitations.

Still, he also never seemed willing to just tell her that it could never work between them, preferring to divert her attention, or casually brush her off. He probably hoped she'd get the point and just give up eventually...perhaps, at long last, he's stopped beating around the bush.

Still, if that's the case, I know Asuka must be hurting right now. I hope he wasn't too hard on her.

"Asuka?"

"Hmm?" Asuka looks up.

"Are you upset because of Mr. Kaji?"

Asuka looks confused for a minute...then she starts to laugh, an odd and slightly disturbing laugh; humorless yet somehow...not forced either.

"Um, Asuka?"


	18. Repeat & Regret (pt6)

AN: WARNING! Spoiler for the next segment ahead!

Well, this fourth update is perhaps a bit much for one week...but I'd like to move on to Chapter 6 (which in FFN formatting, will be Chapter 20) sooner than later. While there are parts of Chapter 5 I enjoy, it's probably my least favorite chapter thus far, since much of it feels like a drawn out transition segment.

But here, we have our major chapter event (well, half of it...the one after this is the same event from Shinji's POV...which means that tomorrow, I may decide to go ahead and post that one too...that way we can move on to Chapter 6, come Tuesday next week).

So here is Asuka once more...

•6:55 AM

I can't help but laugh at that question. It wasn't a stupid question of course, and given the circumstances between me and Kaji, Hikari isn't wrong to have assumed that my obvious distress is about him.

But, the irony is...that far from being the cause of my problems, Ryoji Kaji is the only reason I'm sane right now. Although...I'm not sure about the sane part...I should probably stop laughing for starters...

Calming myself, lettinrg the laughter fade into a sigh, I turn to face a very unnerved Hikari. "Asuka? You're kinda...scaring me," she says timidly.

I smile bitterly. "Yeah, I know," I sigh. "But to answer your question..."

I hesitate, wondering how much I should tell her. Deciding to keep the info to a bare minimum, I continue, "It's not Kaji's fault that I'm kind of a mess right now. Actually, Kaji's been...really helpful."

Hikari looks slightly alarmed as she says, "Helpful? Um, helpful...how exactly?"

Knowing what Hikari might be thinking, I quickly clarify, "No, no, nothing like that Hikari. Kaji...Kaji would never...and, maybe...that's one reason why I wanted him so badly. Because I knew, even when he was denying me...especially when he was denying me...that he had my best interests in mind, because he'd never hurt me or use me like that. Which makes it all the more shameful that I threw myself at him for so long."

Hikari stares at me, eyes wide with shock, though with an undercurrent of relief as well. "Asuka...did I hear all that correctly? It...it...sounded to me...like you're-"

"Giving up on Kaji?" I finish for her. "Yes. And it's about time too."

Hikari looks comically flabbergasted, and I almost want to laugh again. But, with some effort, I maintain my composure.

After a few minutes, Hikari finds her tongue. "Well, I'm certainly glad you're doing the sensible thing here, but...what brought this about?"

I choose not to answer. Not because I don't want to give her a response, but because I can't think of what to say without revealing too much. "It's...complicated," is all I manage to come up with.

"Problems with Misato?" Hikari suggests.

I nearly trip over myself in surprise.

"I...um...sort of overheard a little bit of what you were saying as I walked up to you. It...sounded...like Misato was...uh...angry with you about something."

Just managing to keep a straight face, I try to reel in my racing thoughts, and bite down on my tongue, not wanting to release it until I'm sure of what to say.

"That's it, isn't it?" Hikari presses on.

"Uh...yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much what's going on," I say lamely, desperate to get Hikari off the subject.

'Though what good is that?' I think to myself balefully.

Soon enough, I'll probably have to tell her everything. If Misato is going to throw me out, and I'll bet anything that she will, I'll have to tell Hikari everything if I'm going to ask about moving in with her.

'And what if...' And my mind begins to work itself into a panic at this thought. 'What if Hikari turns her back on me? I know she's my friend and she hardly knows Shinji...but when she hears about what I did...what if she-'

She's always disapproved of how I've treated him, and she's told me I should be nicer to him. What will she think when she hears that I...

"So...can I ask what happened to upset her?" Hikari was asking.

Slowly coming back to reality, I manage to mumble, "Well, uh, we actually kinda fight a lot. It's not unusual. This time was worse than before though. I think she's considering throwing me out, actually."

"That bad?" Hikari looks shocked.

"Yeah."

The pigtailed girl gawks at me. "She can't...she wouldn't..."

"Ha!" I sneer at that. "Wouldn't she?"

I almost blurt aloud how she blatantly favors Shinji over me...how the idiot can do no wrong in her eyes, while I either get ignored or scolded for stepping even a little out of line. But doing so might reveal more than I want Hikari knowing right now...

"Well, if she does, it'll be very irresponsible of her," says Hikari indignantly. "I mean, she agreed to take you in in the first place didn't she? The least she can do is be committed to the task."

With a sympathetic look she adds, "If she does throw you out, you can come stay with me until things calm down."

I allow myself to smile at her offer, though not half as widely as I'd like to. Have to keep up my image after all, even now...especially now.

At last, we've reached the school building; squat, square and dull white, just like every other building outside the inner city and commercial districts.

The bland appearance is utterly befitting...never have I entered an educational facility so droll and devoid of mental stimulation. Out of everyone I've met here, Hikari is the only person I can think of who gives enough of a shit to take this place seriously.

I don't know how she does it, and in my opinion, her hard work and dedication are thoroughly wasted on this mental sludge factory, but...I guess someone has to care. If it weren't for her, I know...I don't think, I KNOW the whole fucking class would just walk out...with Jock Stooge leading the pack.

'Kind of ironic', I think to myself with a smirk, 'that she's fallen for HIM of all people.'

 _But is it really?_

My eyes widen a little.

Is it really that strange that Hikari has fallen for someone so drastically different from herself...when I myself have...

'NO! We're not starting that again!', I say to myself coldly. 'That's what got us into this mess in the first place, remember?'

As we walk up the steps into the main entrance, I notice just how empty and desolate the school is at 7:13 AM. The earliest I've ever been here is fifteen minutes before the start of class, and by then most of the school's modest population is milling about in the halls or on the grounds...not that the presence of my fellow students helps diminish the dismal nature of this teenage wasteland.

On that note, I've been meaning to ask Hikari..."So, you usually get here early, right?" Hikari nods in agreement. "What exactly do you do here until class starts up?"

"Well," she begins, "I usually don't get here until about 7:30 on most days. But, when we spoke on the phone, you sounded like..." She stops mid-sentence. "Ah, I mean, uh," she fumbles. "Well, I, uh didn't want to keep you waiting, so I uh, left early."

So she was worried about me. Did I really sound that desperate over the phone? Gott, how pathetic am I becoming?

"...but to answer your original question," Hikari went on, "I usually go over to the library to do some extra studying, or just read a novel to pass the time until class starts.'

Heh, should've figured as much.

So, for the next hour, we sit in the library. Upon Hikari's request, I quiz her in preparation for an upcoming math test, and...after some prodding, allow her to do the same for me. At least it's better than just sitting around, brooding over having to see Shinji again at some point today...and the inevitable confrontation with Misato after Kaji tells her everything...

But soon enough, Hikari rises from her seat and tells me that it's a quarter after eight. So, we depart the library and make our way over to our classroom. By now, the halls are full of students; chatting, walking to their classrooms, or slumping against the walls.

As we pass, some of the girls greet Hikari and me...their smiles and cheery 'hellos' and 'good mornings' about as real as Monopoly money.

I know what they really think of me...gaijin...Teutonic whore...harpy...bitch...

I'm used to it though...most girls my age hate me. That's how it was in Germany...I don't expect it to be any different in Japan...where a number of people probably already hate me for being a mixed-blooded foreigner.

The boys aren't much better, though at least they don't pretend to actually care about me. They just skulk about, shuffling their feet, pretending they weren't just ogling me when I turn to glare at them, all the while giving me a wide berth to pass by.

At least it's better than how they acted when I first arrived. During my first week here, dozens of them 'confessed their love' or left me stupid, inane notes full of bland declarations, laughable attempts at erotic poetry, etcetera, etcetera...

Still better than the ones that tried to approach me in person though; a few of them were reluctant to take no for an answer.

One 'genius' in particular stands out...apparently he was rather used to having his way with the girls around here. He tried to woo me with some half-baked 'romantic' verbal fecal matter.

I didn't even look at him...or stop walking...so he, in his infinite wisdom, thought it might be a good idea to grope me...purring about how much he 'loved a challenge'...well, he wasn't back the next day...or the day after...even I didn't know I could kick that hard. Since word of that incident got round, the boys keep to themselves.

Truth is, I don't care what everyone thinks of me, as long as I'm shown the proper respect and reverence for being the number one Eva pilot. Other than acknowledging my talents and prestige, they can all stay the hell away.

 _Which makes it all the more sad that you've driven away one of the few people you grew to care about. And soon, Misato will probably turn her back on you as well. Even Hikari won't be able to stand the sight of you once she knows what you did._

'Shut up! I don't need...him! I don't need Misato! She's a slut anyway, and she always was! Do you hear me? I don't need anyone! And Hikari is just lucky that I took a liking to her. If she turns her back on me, then to hell with her! I never asked her to actually give a damn about me. She's as stupid as everyone else in this fucking place if she thinks I need her goddamn approval! Besides, when all others have turned their backs on me, there's still...'

 _Kaji?_ the inner voice scoffs. _The man who's been slowly putting more and more distance between you and himself for the past several months? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but you're losing him just as surely as you'll lose everyone you care about._

I can feel myself withering into nothing at the callously amused sound of my own voice. The world around me even seems to be crumbling into empty space until I can no longer discern objects from humans; I haven't even noticed that Hikari is no longer walking beside me.

 _All that compassion he showed you...all that understanding...he was obligated to that. After all, who else would be there for you? But it's obvious...just as he's been meaning to steer your affections to the Third Child...he's been planning to dump you off to Misato...because no one who's spent enough time with you can stand to be around you..._

I close my eyes, trying to phase that voice out of my thoughts...but...

 _Just like Papa..._

Please...

 _And Mama..._

No...

 _Because no one could ever really care about you..._

Clenching my fists, trying to resist the urge to scream, I forget to open my eyes as I round the corner near the boys restroom.

CRASH!

With a cry of shock, I topple forward, a hapless boy trapped underneath me as we land in a heap on the linoleum floor.

Shaking my head to clear it, I open my eyes, beginning to angrily tell the idiot to watch where he's going...and feel my entire chest turn to ice.

No...

No...

NO!

There is no way...

No...fucking...way...

No one's luck could possibly be this horrible...

Underneath a head of dark brown hair, a pair of dark blue eyes, wide with terror, stare back at me.

Shinji looks utterly petrified, his partially open mouth quivering soundlessly as he struggles to form the words, 'I'm sorry...'

Fog is filling every crevice of my brain...

The last time I saw him...I...

Mein Gott! I have to say something...but what?

 _Shinji...I-I-I'm sorry for everything..._

I hear the words in my head. But my lips won't move. There's no air in my lungs to make words with.

I'm just now beginning to realize that we are surrounded by a group of onlookers. Despite the crowd, however, all is eerily silent...the dozens of eyes fixed on us are wide with shock and apprehension, but not one voice is heard.

I just want to run away. Just turn around, and run...pretending that this never happened...praying that no one works up the nerve to ask me about it...

But running would make me a coward...

'No! The Great Asuka Langely Sohryu does NOT run away! Ever! If anyone should be running away, it's Shinji!'

Though...I don't think he can do much of anything trapped underneath me...maybe I should get up now.

Hastily, I push myself off of Shinji, and clamber to my feet. Once free, Shinji pushes himself up with his arms it a sitting position, and scrambles back slightly out of kicking distance, all the while gazing up at me, utterly transfixed.

I can only guess at what's going through his mind right now. I don't even know what's going through my own mind. I had thought that getting to my feet would help clear my head...but now, my brain is full of empty static...my mouth seems like it's made of stone; dry and immobile...and the prickling sensation of all the eyes upon me is worse now that I can fully see the steadily increasing crowd around us.

Then, a single voice breaks through the white noise of the silent panic building up inside me; Hikari!

"Asuka, where are you? Class is about to start and...what? What's going on here? Alright! Step aside, let me through, pardon me! Okay, whatever's going on here, it ends now! Class is about to start, so get to your assigned-"

Exiting the girl's restroom, she stops speaking when she catches sight of me standing over Shinji.

"Asuka? What are you-"

She looks down.

"Ikari? What are you doing down there?"

But Shinji neither answers nor turns to face her, still transfixed with horror.

Hikari, looking rather concerned now, kneels down next to him.

"Ikari?", she asks again, but more gently. "What happened? Are you alright?"

With a start of surprise, Shinji turns to face her. Suddenly aware of all the attention he's drawn to himself, his face blushes a deep red, as he stares down at the floor beneath Hikari's feet. "I-I'm f-fine M-Miss Horaki. It's n-nothing."

Putting a consoling hand on his shoulder, she looks up at the spectators, fixing them with a hard glare. "Well, move along then! Nothing to see here! Go on, get to your classes, all of you!"

Grudgingly, but unwilling to face the infamous wrath of 2-A's Class Rep, they begin to leave en masse.

Hikari turns back to Shinji, helping him to his feet. "Are you alright?"

Shinji nods awkwardly, face redder than ever, determinedly looking away from her.

"What happened here?"

Strangled whimpers of indecision are all that can be heard in response. But his eyes dart fearful looks in my direction, as if trying to figure out how to answer Hikari's question without blaming me.

Hikari, however, takes note of where Shinji's eyes keep flitting, and with an ominous frown beginning to crease her brow, she begins to walk towards me, oblivious to Shinji's look of dawning horror behind her back.

Stopping in front of me, hands on her hips, she attempts to glare at me...though I can tell that's she really more disappointed and sad than angry. "Asuka, please...tell me you didn't-" she begins.

"Didn't what?!", I interrupt her, red hot anger beginning to boil inside of me. "What am I supposed to have done now huh?"

Fucking typical...everyone always takes his side. Always...even Hikari...who I thought would always have my back.

"Asuka! Calm yourself!" barks Hikari, who despite looking somewhat fearful at my outburst, does not step back an inch. "No one is accusing you of anything yet. It just looks like-"

"Looks like what, huh?" I scream back, knowing full well that I'm going to regret lashing out later. "You think I pushed him, don't you? DON'T YOU?!"

Advancing on Hikari, glaring daggers at her, she still holds her ground despite looking more and more unnerved by the second.

"I never said anything like that Asuka," she replies in a level, dignified tone. "It's just that-"

"Just what huh?"

I've had more of this than I can stand.

"One little whimper from the idiot, and everyone starts fawning over him!" Standing directly in front of Hikari, I narrow my eyes as they bore into hers. "Even you...Hikari."

In my heart, I know that she's right to suspect me. I may not have done anything wrong this time...but I have in the past. And all I'd have to do is explain that it was an accident...but...I can't help but feel betrayed.

Whatever I've done, despite deserving to be alone and miserable, part of me always felt...or maybe just hoped...that at least Hikari would side with me over Shinji.

Given how this whole thing looks, I know she has good reason to think I'm at fault...but still...the same anger that drove me to mercilessly crush Shinji's heart beneath my foot is now raging inside of me...and I am powerless to stop it...

"Well, go on then," I snarl, turning my back on Hikari. "Go kiss his boo boos and coddle him like everyone else does."

"Asuka..."

Breathing heavily, my hands balling into fists so tight that it seems my knuckles will burst through the skin covering them, I try to reign in my rapidly deteriorating self-control.

"Just...don't! Obviously this is all my fault! Not his...it's NEVER his fault!"

I want to say the words sardonically...but the feeling that rises within me is not the contempt my tone has conveyed...but agreement...agreement without irony.

It is that realization, more than anything, that makes the fleeting yet savage glee I felt in insulting Shinji start to ebb away...replaced with stark horror.

Mein Gott...I've done it again! Why...why am I doing this?!

'You regret doing what must be done because you're weak!'

 _Doing what must be done? Is that what you call this?!_

Stealing a glance at the boy, I see that his shoulders have slumped, his head hanging so low that his entire face is hidden.

I know...that I should...should do the right thing.

'You're above having to apologize for some stupid accident like this! Let the idiot blubber about how it's his fault.'

Still, even now...I just can't...I can't lose face...I just can't lose face. I can't apologize...

 _You know this is wrong! And you're too weak to admit it!_

'You're strong enough to brush this off. Whatever Hikari and the idiot think about this stupid incident doesn't mean anything to the likes of you.'

For once though...I'm not sure that I believe what my pride is telling me...

'Well it shouldn't mean anything! Or have you forgotten who you are?'

But I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. After all, it's better this way...better for Shinji to hate and fear me too much to come near me again.

I'll leave now, and go back home...go back home and face Misato. Then...at least...once Misato has thrown me out, I'll be safely away from them all...from him.

'Good, then we can wash our hands of this whole thing. I'm not so sure living with Hikari is an option anymore...but living alone in a NERV facility room might not be so bad after all.'

 _I can't believe you're so delusional that you can believe this lie for even a minute..._

Ignoring the war raging in my mind, I raise my head, and turn to face them both once more...the latest victims of my pride...of my refusal to show the weakness of remorse and contrition.

Hikari stands rooted to the spot, speechless; seemingly unable to find the words to articulate a retort.

While, behind her, Shinji, who has barely uttered a word through this entire incident is...turning to leave?

It isn't his departure that shocks me...it's the sudden calm and determined air in his bearing. In my surprise, I look at him for too long...and he notices. Looking back over his shoulder, only one eye is visible to me. And that eye is not wide with fear and hurt as it usually is when looking at me...it is narrowed, and blazing with cold fury.

The last of my anger dies as something cold blooms inside my chest.


	19. Repeat & Regret (pt7)

AN: Well, on the downside, this is basically the same event as the previous segment, but from Shinji's POV.

On the upside, I think it came out pretty well :)

Anyways, that gets Chapter 5 out of the way, so that we can move onto the 19 (yup, that's right...NINETEEN) segment beast that is Chapter 6.

So, without further ado...

•8:14 AM

The dismally flickering fluorescent light filters into the bathroom stall from above as I lose myself in contemplation, thinking about all that has taken place since last night.

It all began when Asuka...when she actually gave me an honest compliment on my cello playing...or so I thought. When I tried to play again...just for her...she yelled at me to stop; that it gave her a headache. I just...I don't understand.

'I don't understand her! Did she just compliment me all so she could take it back and hurt me more than if she had just chosen to insult me?'

Then, only a few hours later...she kissed me; something I thought I'd only ever see in my wildest dreams. When I kissed her back, she seemed to be...happy...just for a moment...before screaming that she hated me.

And then she took that back for a moment...only to say horrible things that might as well say 'I lied. I really do hate you...and I wish you'd fucking die!' But what hurts more than all of that...is the simple fact that she used me...used me as if I were less than a human to her...

'Anyone would do...'

And what's worse...she knows how I feel now...though, part of me suspects that she always has known. She took full advantage of that, just so she could pretend to kiss Kaji...

'I imagined you were Kaji...'

She did seem to regret it at first though...maybe it's my fault for not backing off when she was too upset to talk about what was bothering her...

'That doesn't excuse her using you that way! It only means she might not have exploded at you the way she did! All it means...is that you would have wasted your time pining over her, even as she went back to abusing and despising you, pretending that the kiss never happened. You'd never have known that all you were to her was some tool to be used as a cheap thrill...even though for you, it was the happiest moment of your life.'

I feel my brow folding downward, my jaw tightening...

'You'd never have realized how worthless you are to her, had you not pressed her into revealing her true colors. Even if she went back to treating you like shit, a part of you would've held out a vain hope that she could fall for you someday. And if she did ever reciprocate your feelings...you'd never have known it was all an act. You'd have bought it hook, line, and sinker...better to know now than later that she could never care for you the way you do for her. Could you really have talked yourself down from that ledge...if she had led you on by the nose for weeks, months, or even years...only to turn around and say those terrible things...only after you'd fully convinced yourself that she really cared about you?'

There's a roiling, hot, sick feeling inside.

'You only prevented yourself from jumping...because you wanted to spite her...if you had allowed yourself to fall for her...to really fall for her...would you really consider it worth living just to spit in the face of the one you love? Your love would have carried you over the edge of that roof...without so much as pausing to look down. You survived because you expected to fail all along. Sure, you got your hopes up for a moment there, and had them all smashed to pieces...but the simple fact is...that because Asuka outright rejected you, even if it hurt, you were able to live through the pain...she could have feigned otherwise, and for all the happiness it might have brought...you'd have been living a lie...and then the pain of discovering the truth would have killed you.'

But it still hurts...even now. I have to clench my eyes shut and shake my head to clear it of all those things she said. And even then, it never stops.

I want to run...run until I leave her voice full of scorn and disgust somewhere far behind me. But I can't...I can't run from myself.

'I mustn't run away...'

So, I guess...I just have to accept the reality...

'I mustn't run away...'

She doesn't care for me. She never will.

'I mustn't run away...'

I can't waste my life feeling sorry for myself because of one rejection.

'I mustn't run away...'

I see the shock and relief in Misato's face before being pulled into an asphyxiating embrace. But even as I try to push away from her so that I can breathe...there is a warmth inside that is beyond describing. I'm almost tempted to let myself suffocate if it means not having to let go.

'There...really ARE people who care about me.'

I remember back to that day I actually did run away and how I nearly left for good three days later. Misato had chewed me out for defying an order...I ran away and wandered the city for several days...and when found, I was chewed out again and convinced to quit being an Eva pilot.

I was at the train station, about to leave Tokyo 3 forever, and...Toji and Kensuke came to see me off. Kensuke was always pretty friendly from the start...but Toji...who had decked me the first day we met, hated me for accidentally injuring his younger sister Sakura in my first battle.

But then...during the battle with the next angel...the one code named Shamshel...they had exited the shelter to see the fight, and then had to be rescued by me allowing them into the entry plug of Unit 01. Something about that experience must have affected Toji...

When I arrived at the station, they threw me a bag of things I'd forgotten, and stayed to say goodbye. Then Toji asked me to hit him back...to even the score from two weeks prior. I was reluctant, but...feeling the need to oblige him...and maybe a little twinge of satisfaction...I gave him a small but noticeable bruise on his left cheek. I thought he might walk off without another word after that, but...he had smiled instead, and along with Kensuke, had intended to wait there until my train was out of sight.

The train I never took.

I hadn't seen Misato arrive until after my train had departed...without me on board. Despite my joy at seeing that she had come to see me off...or perhaps try to change my mind, in the end, it was Toji, not Misato who had helped me make the last minute decision to stay. Part of me was already fighting not to leave...and finish what I'd started. But it was the support of my new...friends...

Friends...something I'd never really had before. It was new to feel liked and appreciated by someone of my own age...or by anyone really...Tokyo 3 was the first place I remember feeling...wanted or liked by anyone...Toji, and Kensuke as well...made me realize that...maybe...even those who had nothing much to gain from it...could care about me.

'I am not alone anymore.'

"I don't think, I KNOW that you are better than you think you are, Shinji," says Kaji, smiling as he offers a hand to help me up.

I stand up, exiting the stall, and head towards the row of sinks.

'Others have faith in me, even when I have none in myself.'

"Why don't you just try smiling?" I had said. Rei Ayanami, still dazed and in pain from the recent battle with the Angel code named Ramiel, looks confused for a moment...before her icy stoicism is shattered by the most beautiful...the most wonderfully sincere smile I have ever seen in my life...

'There are people I must protect.'

A bearded man stands high above me, looking down, coldly and dispassionately, through orange lenses occasionally turned opaque from the bright lights high above. Had I not been so afraid to look directly at his face, I might have marveled at the resemblance to my own.

"I have a use for you." His clear, cold voice seems to fill the room without the need to raise it.

'And there is someone...I need to try to understand...to reach somehow...whatever the cost to myself.'

I stare at myself in the spotted and cracked mirror. Somehow, for once, I actually look as determined as I feel.

'I WON'T RUN AWAY!'

And in the vehemence of that silent declaration, I slam my fist down on the sink basin...and promptly regret it.

The other boys standing at the sinks look questioningly at me as I rub my left hand and bite down a litany of swear words. Muttering to myself something about how much cooler slamming your fist down in resolution looks in movies, I make my way to the bathroom door.

I never saw her coming.

CRASH!

Something solid collides with me! Something with a long mane of red hair. Something that cries out with surprise and displeasure at the unexpected obstacle that is me.

It sounds like...but it can't be...

No. No, this isn't happening. Whatever divine presence that may exist can't possibly hate me that much...

The force of the collision bowls me over, and I land, hard, on my back. Around me, I hear bystanders uttering cries of shock...that quickly fade into tense silence.

Dazed and stunned by the pain from the impact, I find it difficult to open my eyes to see exactly what's happening...or is it because I know what has happened...and am afraid to face it...

The tickling sensation of long hair in my eyes forces me to blink, and my eyes open at last to reveal...an angel? Not like the ones we fight, but the kind of angel Westerners believe in; beautiful, with a halo of light surrounding a head of long luxuriant hair, her face looks strangely familiar as it swims into focus.

I wonder, 'Am I dead? Did that impact kill me? Am I about to discover that Heaven exists?'

As my vision clears, the first thing I notice is that the halo...is nothing but one of the hallway lamps partially eclipsed by the head of...of...no...no...no...NO...NO...NO!

My ears seem to fill with a horrible buzzing as my mind begins to explode into a scream of horror that my lungs are to stunned to emit. I can feel my eyes bulging and my stomach convulsing painfully, as I take in the full measure of what is unfolding.

Crouched over me, on her hands and knees, is...Asuka.

Was it my fault we ran into each other like this? Are there witnesses? What does it matter? I'm probably about to die anyway. Asuka...made it clear, beyond any doubt, how much she despises me. What does it matter whose fault this is?

She'll blame me...then probably beat me half to death...or worse...she'll look at me with the same contempt she did before...and remind me how worthless I am...how she'd never care for someone like me, let alone...ever...

Asuka abruptly pushes herself up and to her feet, looking first down at me, then around at the onlookers. Her face is white as a sheet and her expression...is it my imagination, or...does she look almost as frightened and helpless as I feel? She looks down at me again, her eyes wide with...horror? Her hands are visibly tightening into fists.

'Here it comes then...'

And yet I can't look away or close my eyes to block out the impending doom. I just...can't stop looking at her face. I have to know...

'Is she...afraid too?'

So intent on answering this question am I, that I fail to notice her looking at someone behind me.

Right now there is only me and Asuka, and-

"Ikari?"

Jolted by the surprise of the familiar but unexpected voice, I turn to face Hikari Horaki. Her freckled face wears an expression of concern as she asks, "What happened? Are you alright?"

It just now occurs to me how many people are watching us, and suddenly the uncomfortable prickling of dozens of watching eyes overwhelms me.

"I-I'm f-fine M-Miss Horaki," I manage to stutter out. "It's n-nothing."

The reassuring smile and consoling hand on my shoulder she gives in return clearly indicate that she doesn't believe me in the slightest.

After a moment, she turns to face the onlookers, and disperses them with nothing more than her sharp tone and surprisingly fierce glare.

"Go on, get to your classes, all of you," she barks sternly. And before long, the hallway is clear...except for me, Hikari...and Asuka.

Hikari turns back to me, her face softening back into concern as she holds out her hand. After helping me to me my feet, she again asks, "Are you alright?"

The only response I can muster is a clumsy nod.

"What happened here?", she asks, her tone a little more commanding now.

Damn it! I can't tell her that it was Asuka. Not with Asuka standing right there. Even if she only ran into me by accident, which she probably did, if I even suggest that she's at fault...she hates me enough as it is already!

I guess...maybe it shouldn't bother me. I've already decided I don't really want to have anything to do with her...but I'm afraid...I'm scared of her...I always have been since we met. Not just of her fury, but of the power she holds over me without even trying.

 _And in equal measure, I'm enthralled by the control she exerts over me and everyone around her...it might be why I was falling for her._

But what do I tell Hikari? I should stick to the facts. As long as I do that, maybe Hikari will realize it was an accident. If I say nothing, she might think Asuka hurt me on purpose.

'Come on Shinji, speak up and clear up this mess!'

I promptly begin to utter...unintelligible, indecisive rambling...in my stupid whiny voice. All the while darting terrified glances at Asuka, who simply stares back with a blank expression.

Somewhere inside me, my inner voice is face palming.

'...way to give it your A-game, champ...'

However, that inner voice becomes a slowly widening scream of silent horror as I see Hikari, who had been looking from me to Asuka in time with my glances at her, turn to face her friend, squaring her shoulders and marching deliberately towards her.

Hands on her hips, she stops a foot and a half away from Asuka as I hear her say, "Asuka, please...tell me you didn't-"

But she's cut off, as the nearly immobile Asuka suddenly snaps back to awareness.

"Didn't what!?" she roars back, her face twisting with rage. "What am I supposed to have done now huh?"

'Please Asuka, don't get angry! Just tell her the truth and she'll believe you!'

"Asuka," Hikari snaps back, "calm yourself! No one is accusing you of anything yet. It just looks like-"

"Looks like what?!" Asuka is screaming almost at full volume now. "You think I pushed him, don't you? DON'T YOU?!"

The furious redhead now advances on Hikari, who, to her credit does not take a single step back.

"I never said anything like that, Asuka," Hikari responds in a level, dignified tone. "It's just that-"

"Just what huh?", Asuka bellows over Hikari's retort. "One little whimper from the idiot, and everyone starts fawning over him!" Asuka clenches her fists, lowering her head ominously. "Even you...Hikari."

At this accusation, the pigtailed brunette looks wounded and lost for words. Though she still remains stoically standing her ground, the pain is visible in her eyes.

I can understand the feeling...

It's exactly how I feel now. Hearing her speak of me so venomously...it's more than I can stand. Even after everything that's happened...

She just can't find it in herself to give me half a chance. Is she that determined to hate me? Am I really so worthless and pathetic to her?

"Well go on then!" Asuka snarls at her friend, turning away from her...though she strangely avoids looking at me as she does so. "Go kiss his boo boos and coddle him like everyone else does."

The words burn holes into my ears, and into my very soul. Normally, I try my best just to tune out the scorn, the insults, and hide the anger and humiliation her scorn fills me with...but not this time.

I've had it...

Normally, something like this would make me cry...or at least feel sad...

There is something inside me right now, roiling up from the inside...but it isn't the dull, lurching ache of tears and sobs...

Instead...it is the violent whirlwind of wrath...

Rising from the bowels of my soul is a hot, red blindness...a guttural pressure that builds itself into a silent scream of fury...a desire to ignite and yet to extinguish...to destroy and rend asunder anything unfortunate enough to be within eyesight and reach.

It's not even what she has just said about me...

Not even the sad reality that this is likely what she has really thought of me all along...

No...this time...

This time...she didn't even have the decency to say all of this to me. Instead, she decided to pretend that I'm not even here, despite her knowing that I am.

She has dehumanized me...just like she did before...

This...is...unforgivable...

I could take it when she chose to yell at me. If she had said this to me I instead of screaming it at Hikari as if I didn't exist, I might still have found it in me to crawl back to her and try to...what, exactly? Be her friend? At least be someone she doesn't hate? Maybe more...

Not this time...

...

...

...

In my mind, I can see it start to play out...

...

...

...

Behind the two girls, completely unnoticed by either of them, I rise slowly to my feet, and take a shambling step towards them. Head bowed so low, that all I can see of Asuka is her feet, I begin to breathe heavily, my body tensing, my hands first curling into fists...

'NEVER AGAIN!'

Then splaying out into claws...claws meant to encircle...to squeeze...to sink deep into the flesh of that thin, elegant throat that has insulted me, screamed at me that I am nothing, worthless, useless, pathetic, perverted, unworthy, stupid...to crush the larynx beneath that perfect, pale skin...until it can never wound me again...until it can never utter a sound again...until the angel's face above it is a grisly mask contorted into its final expression of desperation and terror...

...

...

...

I snap back to reality with a jolt...to find that I haven't moved a centimeter from where I've been sitting this whole time.

Even in my rage...I shiver at the images that have just passed through my mind.

...

...

...

My face...an animalistic snarl, eyes bulging with a mixture of lust and rage.

Asuka...her face the picture of horror as her eyes bulge out in fear, all the while gasping for a breath that would never come from a throat held tightly in the grasp of...my hands...my own hands...

...

...

...

Oh god...could I...could I ever really...

My hands fall limply to my sides as I force my breathing to slow. Then, I turn away...turn my back on them both...

I...I need to just walk away now...before I say...or worse...do...something I can't take back...

'But, even if I could never bring myself to...'

The horrid images flash before my mind's eye like a perverse clip show...

'Even though I still could never bring myself to...hurt her...I'm...I'm done with this...'

With her...

I turn just enough to look over my shoulder at her one last time...and see that she is looking back at me at last. Her expression is mostly blank...mostly...but, maybe also...

'To hell with you...'

I narrow my eyes...my fists clenching so tightly, I can feel blood between the fingers of my left hand...

'Second Child...'

And I turn away, feeling her eyes on my back, determined not to look back again, even as Hikari calls out my name to ask where I'm going.

"Have you seen the time, Class Rep?" I call back softly, without my usual stutter, as I continue to walk towards our homeroom. "You should head to class now if you don't want to be late."


	20. Repercussions & Reparations

AN: It's that time again folks, so here's the beginning of Chapter 6.

And I think this is one segment that a lot of you have been waiting for :)

So yup, we begin now with Misato...

Post-explanation Misato...

...

Enjoy :)

 _Fear is growing in the eyes of the underdog_

 _For each day we increase the obstacles_

 _Pushing you down again and again_

 _To determinate the limits_

 _The mind has become so twisted_

 _I am saving myself by hurting the others_

 _The anxiety and the sympathy_

 _Are scanning my spiteful conscience_

 _I, the leader_

 _Scars been given_

 _Hearts collapse_

 _Impossible to repair_

 _I dare to tread the dividing line_

 _Now they all turned against me_

 _I received the eyes of the underdog_

[MEDIA=youtube]EALVT_NppCE[/MEDIA]

-" **The Dividing Line** " by October Tide

Chapter 6-Repercussions & Reparations

•7:51 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

Kaji falls silent after speaking for several minutes. I myself have not spoken a word since earlier blurting out my joy that Shinji and Asuka had finally kissed...joy that was short lived after what Kaji said next.

A tense silence falls over the kitchen, Kaji watching me warily. I feel like a statue, except for involuntary blinking, my face is motionless as I sit at my table, trying to process all that Kaji has revealed.

At last, Kaji speaks up. "So there you have it," he says matter of factly. "That's why Shinji ran off last ni- h-hey, where are you going?"

For once his voice broke the silence, I had risen to my feet. Something had shattered all manner of resistance and restraint inside of me...and I was about to do something about it. I grab my car keys, and head for the door without a word.

"Katsuragi?" Kaji springs up from the table and darts over to the door to block my way.

"Get out of the way, Kaji," I say without raising my voice. He looks unnerved...and he should be. He knows that the only thing more unpleasant than me screaming when I'm angry is me being calm when I'm furious.

Furious...does not even begin to cover what's going through me right now...

That girl...

That little whore...

It's a damn good thing she wasnt here when Kaji told me everything. But her luck in avoiding me earlier is about to fucking run out.

"Katsuragi, listen to me," Kaji pleads calmly, "please don't go do something you're going to regret!"

"I'm not gonna regret it one bit Kaji," I retort in the same calm voice. "I'm also not going to regret what I do to you if you don't stand aside once I finish counting to ten."

He stays put.

Fine then...

"One"

"Katsuragi..."

"Two"

"Katsuragi, please..."

"Three"

"Stop this..."

"Four"

"This won't help..."

"Five"

"You're making a mistake..."

"Six"

"Dammit, listen to me!"

"Seven"

"Katsuragi, she's just a kid..."

"Eight"

"She didn't really mean for any of this to happen..."

"Nine"

Kaji seizes me by the shoulders. "Dammit, just...listen, will you?"

"Take your hands off of me," I respond coldly. "I'm gonna find that little skank, and drag her back here by the fucking hair. Then she can start packing and haul all her shit out of this apartment by herself. Whatever she can't carry or wear on her back gets chucked over the fucking balcony."

"Katsuragi! Will you just calm down and listen to reason for one second?!"

It's not his words that make me pause. I can count on one hand the number of times Kaji has shouted at me, and whenever he does, he means business.

So, as much as I want to find that little tramp and slap the red out of her hair, I'll take a moment to hear Kaji out. After all, he may know more about all that's happened than I do. So, with a deep breath, I look at Kaji and fold my arms. "Alright Kaji. Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill her, and I won't."

"Thank you," Kaji sighs, looking relieved. "Let's head back to the kitchen table."

And he leads me back to the kitchen table, placing me in the same chair he had vacated when he prevented me leaving, while he takes the seat I had originally occupied.

After a moment to gather his thoughts, he resumes speaking. "I didn't mention yet that I think Asuka lied to both me and Shinji about why she kissed him. She claims to have been using him since she couldn't get to me, but I could tell she wasn't telling the truth. For one thing, she went out of her way to ensure that I knew Shinji didn't do anything wrong. That's not like her at all. She put all of the blame on herself from the start."

"As she should," I interject acidly. "That's doesn't change the fact that she verbally eviscerated Shinji to the extent that he almost..."

I can't bring myself to say it...

"No, it doesn't change what happened," Kaji agrees. "But you didn't see her after I retrieved Shinji from the rooftop. She was beside herself, Katsuragi. I've only once seen her cry before. And this was before she knew where Shinji ran off to."

I snort derisively. "Crocodile tears, nothing more. You're too soft on her. You always were. No wonder she was more spoiled than ever when she arrived here."

"Look, Katsuragi," Kaji retorts, "here's what I think happened. Asuka has been interested in Shinji for awhile now. The problem is, she's afraid to tell him, and scared of anyone else finding out. To be seen with someone like Shinji; relatively plain, not especially bright, reticent and much more timid than is considered socially acceptable for a boy...would, in her mind, ruin the public persona she's adopted to cope with her past."

For a moment, my anger dims as I remember the details of Asuka's past. Yes, what Kaji says makes sense...but still...

"And what's more," Kaji continues, " it is her fear of opening up to ANYONE that is keeping her from accepting how she feels about Shinji. Miss Horaki was mostly just lucky to break through Asuka's shell, but it helps that she's a girl. Asuka is, thanks to that bastard father of hers, a bit of a misandrist. It took me a LONG time to be an exception to that rule. Now, she likes Shinji because he's kind and modest, and for all his lack of bravado, can be astonishingly brave when the situation calls for it...but at the same time, also deeply mistrusts him because he's a boy."

Yes, Asuka was always more than a little misandrist during the time I knew her. She avoided men and boys like they were the plague. Shinji, however, does act rather different from most boys, and I myself, despite teasing him over it sometimes, find that to be endearing rather than embarrassing. Still...

"According to you, she admitted to having said terrible things to Shinji that made him run out of the room, and up to that rooftop. You're really convinced that she kissed him because she secretly cares about him? I mean, I understand hiding your feelings because you're afraid of being hurt. But what she said to him...how do you even bring yourself to do that to someone you actually care about?"

Kaji fixes me with a meaningful look. And, to my horror, I realize that he's wordlessly reminding me of when I myself...

That day...eight years ago-

Nope. Nope, not going there. Besides, this is more important right now. God, I need a freaking drink! I don't even care that I'm still suffering from a hangover.

"So, uh," I continue a little awkwardly, cursing the rising heat in my face as I walk to the fridge, "Even after all of that, you really think she actually cares about Shinji deep down? It sounds more to me like she just wanted to tease and humiliate Shinji for kicks. Then when Shinji started to get attached, she smashed all his hopes to pieces. Girls can be cruel like that, you know? And she's always had a sadistic streak. I just never would have thought she'd sink so low."

Kaji gives a small sigh in response. "In your heart of hearts, is that really what you think of Asuka? It's true that she has a sadistic facet to her personality, but...I feel that her outburst after they had kissed was more due to fear and confusion than outright cruelty."

He waits for my reply, but I give him a look that tells him to continue as I return from the fridge with my prize. While I feel that his theory is a long stretch, Kaji has always been an excellent judge of character...it was one of the things that made me afraid of him back then...

"In short," Kaji continues at last, "Asuka approached Shinji and suggested kissing to 'kill time'. That was just her way of downplaying both to herself and Shinji how much the kiss would actually mean to her. At first Shinji was reluctant, so she goads and bullies him into it. They kiss, and to her surprise, Shinji actually kisses her back, something that she paradoxically hoped for and yet did not expect to happen. For a moment, she enjoys it. But then, her insecurities ruin the moment, and almost make her break character in front of Shinji, the one person she is more afraid of opening up to than anyone else. Shinji even seemed to notice the crack in Asuka's façade, even though he still has no idea that Asuka's behavior is a façade at all. This slip in her persona frightens Asuka badly enough to viciously lash out at Shinji and both arbitrarily reject him and throw as much venom as she could into doing so. All this, so that Shinji couldn't see the real her...the real her that does care about him. In a sense, she is the real life version of the tsundere girls often seen in anime and other media. However, unlike in works of fiction, Asuka's antics are not amusing or endearing, but alienating and destructive, both to herself and to others."

Hmm, makes sense I guess. I still think he's being too soft with her though. Kaji doesn't have to live with her anymore, so it's easy enough for him to say all of this. Besides, I'm sure that after he became an exception to her mistrust and disdain towards men, that she was a perfect little angel for the 'man of her dreams.'

A crack and hiss break the silence as I crack open the pop top lid of my impromptu breakfast. But as I prepare to lift the beer to my lips...something makes me stop, and without even having lifted it from the table, I release my grip on the can.

Across the table, Kaji takes another deep breath. "Although, there is one thing above all else that complicates things further. While Asuka cares about Shinji deep down...she also resents him. That resentment is NOT feigned, though it does somewhat mesh with her façade, and 'enhance' it, so to speak. She cares about Shinji the person...she resents Shinji the Eva pilot. Shinji is accomplishing everything she has spent her life training for...and is not even trying. Sure, that's not his fault, and she knows that. But it doesn't change her bitterness on the subject. If anything, it just frustrates her more that he's NOT an insufferable asshole about his success, because despite all her rage and feelings of inadequacy, she can't bring herself to actually hate him as he is. If he lorded it over her that he's as good or better than her without all the training she went through, then she could allow herself to want him to die or at least screw up and severely injure himself in the next battle. And she wouldn't have to keep hiding how she feels about Shinji as a person. To her, it would be so much easier if she could hate Shinji. But she can't, thus her feelings for Shinji are instead deeply conflicted and confusing to herself, Shinji, and most people who see them interact."

Leaning back in my chair, I fold my arms, chewing lightly on my tongue. I look at Kaji, then at the open but otherwise untouched beer on the table, then back at Kaji.

"So," I say after a rather long silence, "that's your theory on why this happened?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," Kaji replies matter of factly.

'Well,' I think to myself, 'I guess that all makes sense if you think about it. The confusion, the insecurity, and the resentment. Still...'

"Alright Kaji, after some thought on the matter, I think I agree with you on the matter of what happened."

Taking a deep breath, I once again reach for the beer in front of me...only to pull back my hand from the can, without having touched it. "Now the question becomes...what do we do about it? Just because I understand, doesn't make what she did to Shinji okay, and I can't just let her off the hook. Honestly, I still want to backhand the shit out of her...but...," I let out another lengthy sigh of frustration, "It wouldn't take back what happened, and I guess it wouldn't go about making her a better person."

"No," Kaji shakes his head in agreement, "It wouldn't. I can't expect you to be thrilled with her right now, but I do ask that you don't allow your anger on Shinji's behalf to override your good heart."

"Ugh, fine," I reply grudgingly. I stare down at the beer again...and feel my face hardening into a glare.

When Shinji ran past us...I couldn't do...anything...I couldn't even stand. Because I just HAD to go out and get trashed. Had to go and leave my wards alone and unsupervised. And because of that, the kind but fragile boy I had taken in and come to care deeply about in the three months I'd known him had been left alone with the damaged, unstable and sometimes vicious German girl I'd also taken in. Their relationship was complex and ultimately destructive and volatile. And in this particular fallout, Asuka had verbally attacked Shinji with enough brutality to almost literally push him over the edge.

And I wasn't there to help him. Kaji had to save him in my stead. And where was I? Falling on my fucking face, trying to crawl after him, and then being dragged off to bed to sleep it off...a bag full of rocks would've been as much help as I was.

I stand up suddenly and furiously. Kaji, looking slightly alarmed, also rises to his feet. "Katsuragi?"

But I pay him no mind, as I snatch up the beer, glowering at it with all the hatred and accusation I can muster, stomp over to my sink...and promptly turn the still enticingly cool can upside down, emptying the entire contents into the drain, crushing the flimsy aluminum cylinder in my fist as it empties...

Then, with as much pent up anger as possible, I throw the misshapen chunk of metal into the waste basket. Turning back to look at Kaji, I see that he looks surprised...but is smiling broadly nonetheless.

"No more drinking out," I mutter more to myself than to him. "I...I don't think I can stand to give it all up...but, from now on, my drinking doesn't leave this room."

Kaji says nothing, but continues to beam proudly, putting a hand gently on my shoulder. I feel tempted to lean forward just a bit, and rest my shoulder against his chest with my head against his shoulder, his arms encircling me...

But, there's still work to be done. Asuka may be sorry about what happened, but...she's still crossed the line in the sand.

"Kaji," I say, gently shrugging off his hand, "I want her out of here." I shake my head semi-apologetically, but press on, "I'm sorry, but...what happened...it's too much, I can't have her here anymore. Not with Shinji living here. And whatever her reasons for acting out were, I will NOT make him leave because of what SHE did. None of this is his fault."

"I know," Kaji says placatingly, "I thought as much. And actually, Asuka and...well, Shinji too, are way ahead of you there. Asuka was talking about asking Miss Horaki if she could move in with her."

Mentally, I wish the Horaki family better luck than myself in dealing with her, should they agree to take Asuka in. "Alright then. I guess that now we just wait for them both to get home from school. Or I guess, we could have Asuka come back early to start packing. I'd rather that she not be anywhere near Shinji outside of work from now on."

Kaji nods, then pauses. "Wait to call the school though."

"Why?" I ask.

"Because there's some things I have to tell you about myself, Katsuragi." His voice is even...but his expression is as grave as it was when he first sat me down at the table. "I really shouldn't...I don't even really know why I am. And it's not like it's the best time either...but...I don't know...I don't know when or if I'll get another chance."

I stare at him, disquiet filling me as I see that annoyingly calm demeanor of his slowly unravel. His face is drawn with sorrow, and the fear is evident in his eyes.

For the first time since I've known him, he looks lost and frightened; like a man hopelessly trapped in a room slowly...very slowly...filling with water. It was the haunting expression of someone not yet descended into panic...but fully aware that, short of a miracle, his death is near.

"Misato."

My eyes widen in shock. For a moment I think someone else must have entered the room. There's no way...Kaji has never...

But there's no one else here.

"Misato," he repeats. His voice is calm, despite the loss of composure. "I need you to promise me something."

"Uh, sure?", I reply uncertainly.

"If anything should...happen...to me...keep an eye out for Asuka. I know you don't feel very kindly towards her right now...but there's no one else I could trust to ask."

"What?! What kind of talk is that?"

"Misato, promise me!" He sounds emphatic again.

Despite my misgivings...

"Uh, yeah sure. Kaji, what is this? Why are you acting so weird all of a sudden?"

"Because," Kaji answers with that unnerving juxtaposition of fear and calm, "I am a dead man walking."


	21. Repercussions & Reparations (pt2)

AN: Update time! The first of (possibly) FOUR for this week (it might be a bit much, but I'd like to get to Chapter 26 by next week).

This one is another Hikari POV, taking place just after the unfortunate scene in the hallway.

Note: There will also be an AN at the end, so be sure to read that too.

•8:26 AM 

Asuka stands in front of me, looking...horrified?

Turning around, I see that she's staring at Shinji who, in the time between Asuka's furious tirade about him and now, had risen to his feet and is now calmly walking away from us.

"Uh, I-Ikari? Shinji? Where are you going?" I ask, still a bit dazed by this whole situation.

In an unnervingly calm voice, without stopping to turn around, Shinji replies, "Have you seen the time, Class Rep? You should head to class now if you don't want to be late."

Turning to look at the clock, I give a yelp of shock, and turn to follow Shinji. But, when I realize that Asuka is not following, I turn around to call out to her, only to see her red mane disappear behind the hallway corner, and judging by her rapidly fading footsteps, she's running full tilt.

...

What?!

What the hell is going on here?!

'Ugh, time to get some answers and...'

I look back at the clock.

'Okay, maybe later.' And I promptly pelt after Shinji.

For a moment, I feel guilty about letting Asuka run off. But knowing her, it's probably better just to let her be for now. That and, to be honest, I'm more than a little offended by what she said to me...and kind of mortified at what she said about Shinji, right in front of him.

Speaking of Shinji, I manage to catch up with him just outside of our classroom. And seeing, to my slight annoyance, that the teacher has yet to arrive, I decide to stop Shinji just before he enters.

"Ikari, wait."

Shinji stops and turns around. "Uh, yes?"

I find myself at a complete loss of what to say. I wish I had had more time to articulate a question, but just then, Shinji looks around me and says, "Uh, Miss Horaki, the teacher is on his way down here. I-I think you'd better head into the classroom now."

I don't stop to argue, and promptly walk into the room. Shinji walks in after me, and makes directly for his seat, avoiding the many eyes following him. No doubt, many of our classmates bore witness to the incident in the hall. Indeed, it is only as the teacher walks in, and complete silence falls, that I realize that the room had been positively seething with furtive whispers.

For a moment, I stand at the front of the room, knowing that there's something I have to do before I sit down...but what it is, I can't recall for the life of me. I begin to make my way back to my seat, when I hear the teacher clear his throat loudly and pointedly.

"Miss Horaki?"

I turn back, staring blankly for a moment...before remembering with a start that I've forgotten to lead the class in the morning greeting!

Clearing my throat, I try to muster my usual air of authority, as I bark the imperious commands, "Stand. Bow. Sit."

As ever, the commands are obeyed, and for a moment, everything seems back to normal as I hear the teacher beginning the roll call, and promptly expressing his disbelief and exasperation at Rei Ayanami being absent yet again.

But before returning to my seat, I look around the room. I notice that many of the girls are eyeing Shinji sympathetically...some with marked interest. Likewise, Shinji's friends, Touji Suzahara and Kensuke Aida are both watching their friend intently, and Kensuke in particular is fidgeting with his laptop, clearly itching for the opportunity to open it and send a message to Shinji.

I myself feel the need to do the same. I must get to the bottom of this! And several minutes later, the chance is granted when the teacher allows us to open our laptops. Normally, I heartily disapprove of my classmates chatting electronically during class; after all, it's just like passing notes, but much harder to detect. But today, after what happened...

I open the chat room, and see that Shinji isn't online yet. Even so, I decide to send a message anyway, hoping that he opens the chat room eventually.

For a moment though, I hesitate, wondering what to say...then I decide to keep it simple and to the point.

Horaki, H.: _"Hey"_

For some time, there's no reply.

But after sitting with his head in his hands for awhile, Shinji raises his head and opens the laptop on his desk.

And soon enough...

Ikari, S.: _"Hey"_

Horaki, H.: _"So, can you tell me what happened back there, Shinji?"_

After a slightly longer wait...

Ikari, S.: _"It was nothing. Asuka just bumped into me as I walked out of the bathroom. I think it was an accident."_

'Yeah, I figured as much,' I think to myself, 'That's what I thought. There was no need for her to get all worked up like that.'

But then, she's been acting strangely all morning, before all of this happened. Something bigger and nastier than that is going on here...

I continue typing, _"Asuka seemed very...off...when I met up with her this morning. Distracted, agitated, and maybe even...a little sad. She mentioned something about having a fight with your guardian, Miss Katsuragi, and being thrown out soon. And it's obvious that there's some kind of tension between the two of you as well. And I don't mean from the collision you two had in the hallway. Obviously, there's something else going on at home."_

I send the message and wait. No response comes...

I turn to look at Shinji himself. His face is in his hands, and he's shaking his head fretfully. When he attempts to type a response, he continuously pauses and backtracks.

A feeling of dread overtakes me as I realize that whatever is happening must be bad if it's this hard for him to explain it. Though, now I think about it, he's usually pretty tight lipped in general.

Nevertheless, I press on typing, _"I know, it's not really my business...but, Asuka is my friend, and I'm worried about her. And, I may not know you as well, but...I'm worried about you too Shinji. You both seem so unhappy and stressed right now."_

No response.

Horaki, H.: _"Shinji, please. I want to help you both. But I can't if you won't let me."_

At last, he responds, _"I can't...tell you everything. Also, I think you should hear out Asuka's side of it . But, I guess...what I can tell you is..."_

And as I read, my eyes grow wider and wider with every word...

AN pt.2: Some of you will undoubtedly feel that Shinji opening up to Hikari is OOC...but rest assured, he will address his reasoning in a later segment.


	22. Repercussions & Reparations (pt3)

AN: And we are back to Kaji! He's being unusually erratic and indecisive today lol

Also, I was mistaken in the last AN about the Chapter I want to reach next week. It's 25 not 26 that I'll be posting then.

•8:27 AM

Katsuragi stands looming over me, hands on her hips, including the one that just made the right side of my face explode with pain. Shaking my head a little to clear the resultant white noise, I look up at her ruefully. "I'll take that to mean that you, uh, disapprove of my choice of employers."

"Wrong," Katsuragi replies tartly.

"Then, uh, why-"

"Because you're an idiot, that's why!" She snarls. "My god, Kaji...I'd say that you're dancing with fire here...but fire doesn't even begin to cover the nature of what your playing with! But that's not even the worst of it! The worst is that you know exactly what you're doing, how much danger you're in...and you don't care! It's like you've purposely thrown your life away, like you're just waiting to die...and for what!?"

"You know 'what,' Katsuragi," I answer evenly. "I told you about my brother and our friends back when we were together. Ever since the day I sold their lives to save my own, I've felt the need to uncover why it was even necessary to have lived through the hell that forced us to steal and pilfer from the military...as a way of trying to run from my own culpability..."

"Kaji," Katsuragi says with mixed exasperation and concern, "you were just a k-"

"It doesn't fucking matter that I was just a kid!" Even I'm surprised that I'm shouting now. But I'm tired of it! Like a broken record, Asuka and Katsuragi can always be counted on to use the same, tired old excuse...that I was a kid. There are times when my own mind tries to use that as a defense as well...and the whiny, sniveling tone that inner voice has always makes me want to break anything I'm holding.

"Kaji, those soldiers tortured you," Katsuragi responds, sounding maddeningly understanding. "What were you going to do? They would have killed you eventually."

"I should have let them," I say, my usual calm having returned. "I should have died that day, Misato."

Just like before, her eyes widen in response to my use of her first name. But she presses on...

"So you're content just to let your 'benefactors' kill you when you've pissed one of them off too much?" she asks bitterly.

"Or until I get enough answers about why Second Impact happened. If I can somehow relay that information to the world at large, then maybe my life will have been worth the sacrifice I made to keep it."

"Even if you found anything," Katsuragi replies coldly, "You'd be dead before you could broadcast your findings, and certainly before anyone found your discoveries to be credible. But you know all of that, don't you?"

She looks up, fixing me with a hard glare. "This is really just a long term, hands off suicide attempt, isn't it? Just a way to kill yourself without doing the dirty work, all the while pretending that you're some kind of martyr who's going to 'save everyone' at the cost of your life!"

"If I can do some good for everyone as well-"

"Don't bullshit me Ryoji Kaji!"

Just like her, I start at the use of my first name. Even when we were together, she never called me Ryoji. Today is the first time...what a shame that it has to be when she's scolding me.

"You know perfectly well that the way you're going, you're going to be killed before you discover anything noteworthy. And even if you did, you'll be killed before you can even begin to prove anything or leak the information to any credible source! The only person you really expect to be enlightened by any of these findings, is you. And then you'll die."

Katsuragi sits back down, slumping in her chair. "Inspector Kaji, as NERV's Operations Director, I'm ordering you to cease and desist your investigations on behalf of the Japanese government and SEELE. Any further breaches of security will result in your arrest and subsequent disciplinary action."

Hmmm, an official order to stop, well, I can hardly just ignore that. What to do now? Well, I guess I'll just have to talk my way out somehow...

"I get the feeling you already knew of my affiliation with the government."

She nods. "Although I was not aware of your connections to SEELE."

"Why didn't you stop me before, then?"

"I was not given orders to stop you, only to keep an eye on you at that time, despite the Commander and Fuyutsuki being aware of your activities."

"And have you been given orders now?"

Her silence tells me all I need to know.

"So this desire to stop me is fully your own initiative then? And why is it that you only now feel compelled to stand in my way?"

"Because, at this point, if I'm not forced to kill you, someone else certainly will be."

I smile a little at the bluntness of that statement. "Would you really kill me if you were ordered to?"

Her expression is stricken at this question, and she looks away, blushing slightly. After a moment..."If you're not intending to stop your investigations, why even bother telling me at all?"

And now it's my turn to be caught verbally flat footed.

'Why DID I feel the need to tell her?'

A subconscious need for someone to stop me? At least one person to know why I died? Advice on what to do now that I'm having doubts? The need to stave off the loneliness of walking the last mile towards eternity?

"I guess...I just wanted someone to know...what's going to become of me. That and...well, I suppose that...I also wanted to make sure that someone could still look after Asuka. And...after all that's happened...Shinji as well, after I can't be around anymore.

I sigh gustily. "It's funny...because of everything that's been happening with them since we came back here from the wedding, I suddenly feel...like I've made the wrong choice."

"That's because you did, idiot Kaji!" Misato responds bitingly. But despite her sharp tone, there's a wry affection in her expression as she goes on, "So, it took you this long to realize that there might be people who depend on you, or look up to you, or who maybe...

She blushes a little more..."might just want you to stick around because they care for you?"

I smile, but I can feel the weary sadness in my expression. "It can't be helped anymore. Even if I turned my back on it all, it's too late. You see, I crossed the final line when I-"

I pause, knowing that if I continue...

"What? What is it Kaji?"

"Ah, it's nothing Katsuragi," I respond airily, silently cursing how unconvincing I sound even to myself at this moment.

"Kaji, what were you about to say?" she presses on, sounding increasingly impatient.

Dammit! I know I've already told her too much...

But if I tell her about Adam...if she doesn't kill me on the spot...even worse...if I know her, she'll probably want to help me...and then, she'll...she'll...those kids need someone around for them...if she dives into this with me...then who would be left?!

"Ryoji."

'Dammit, the first name again! And the way she said it...the way I'd always secretly hoped she'd say it someday...lovingly...as if caressing me with her voice instead of her hand...'

Well, maybe...maybe there's a chance that she could help...maybe, with her help, we could both get out alive...I doubt it, but maybe...if things start to go south, I could take the fall, and that would at least keep her safe...and, in any case, if I've already told her this much, I may have no choice anymore...if I hope to continue.

'And honestly...you don't really want to do this alone anymore...not when you know she'll probably help you. You can't resist the idea...and you know it.'

I know it'd be better for her to be left out of this...

'You haven't the strength for that anymore. And even if you did, what's the point? Either she joins you due to her vendetta against the Angels, which of course will extend into suspicions against NERV once she realizes the role they may or may not have played in Second Impact...or she'll probably stop your personal crusade herself.'

"Alright, Misato," I sigh heavily, "you win."

She grins impishly, now clearly aware that her use of my first name is a weakness she can exploit to her advantage. "Well, Ryoji," she purrs smugly, putting a maddeningly enticing emphasis on my name, "I'm waiting..."

Taking only the very slightest satisfaction in knowing that my next words will wipe the infuriating smile from her face, I take a deep breath, and plunge right in.

"What if I were to tell you the Angel named Adam is not only alive, but that I myself brought it here to Tokyo 3, on Commander Ikari's orders, in a briefcase you might have seen me carrying aboard the Over The Rainbow. And," taking another deep breath before continuing, "That it's regenerated or still regenerating body lies deep below NERV's own headquarters?"


	23. Repercussions & Reparations (pt 4)

AN: And it's time for the next one

Back to Asuka...

•8:37 AM

I don't know how long I've been running, but when I stop and look back, the school is nowhere to be seen.

Upon stopping, the exhaustion catches up with me. My legs feel wobbly and my lungs are on fire with a stitch that crackles through my side like an icy knife. Panting to catch my breath, I try to remember the last few minutes in clearer detail.

It had all been a confused blur of sound and light. Tearing through the halls and down a flight of stairs, I had dodged around or plowed through the students filling the halls, much to their grievance and fury, before bursting through the front doors of the school like canister shot from field artillery.

And before that...an eye...a single, dark blue iris...glaring...blazing with...hatred?

Hatred of me?

A terrible hollowness is expanding it's wings inside of me at the memory of those eyes, normally so gentle and wide with kindness and concern, instead narrowed with fury, the light within them all but extinguished, the soul behind them infected with darkness...

What have I done?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

 _I'll tell you...idiot..._

That voice...the one that talked me into that kiss...

 _You got what you wanted. You got what you wished for. And may you be satisfied with it...BITCH!_

Without caring that there are people all around on the streets, I feel my legs buckle beneath me, followed by the dull sting of concrete biting into my knees.

So...I've done it at last...

I've made stupid Shinji hate me...

He, who was becoming a distraction, a diversion, a hinderance in my path to glory...

He, who thought I needed his help, his protection, his...

'Well, now that he won't be following you around like the miserable puppy he is, you can focus on yourself...YOUR glory...YOUR success...YOUR purpose in life! You couldn't let him weigh you down anymore! You've wasted your time having to watch his dumb, untrained ass in battle, when you should have been claiming the victory YOU were born to achieve!'

 _You've been looking after him?! Are we really so deluded that we believe that?_

'Well, of course! What would he have done without YOU against the Sixth, Seventh, and Ninth Angels?

The voice inside laughs mirthlessly, _What would YOU have done against the Sixth Angel without HIM?_

'He was holding you back! That's why the Eva went immobile in the water, because that idiot was interfering with the your unit's OS-

 _Bullshit. That was because you didn't have the B-Type equipment, and you know it. It was only when your combined concentration raised the sync score high enough to overcome the water disadvantage that you were even able to move the damn thing and kill Gaghiel!_

'Well, against the Seventh-

 _Defeating Israfel was impossible with only one Eva._

'YOU came up with the strategy to beat the Ninth, and even used YOUR Unit 02 as a shield the keep that acid sludge off of the idiot and Wondergirl!'

 _No one is questioning the importance in your role in each of the battles. Matarael would have been impossible to defeat for any of the three of you working alone. It took you blocking the acid, which was your own choice by the way...along with Wondergirl cancelling out the AT Field, and Shinji taking the killing shot. Really, you were ALL lucky that the ugly, stupid spider-thing was weak enough without its AT Field for those guns to actually work for a change, and that it's method of attacking was cripplingly overspecialized. The point, however, is that while you may have been looking out for Shinji to some degree...he's been doing the same for you, just as much, and maybe even more..._

'Well even if he hadn't been, you'd have still found a way to win! Without his help, and without that doll bitch's help! And what's more, even if he weren't a stupid, wimpy little pissant, he's STILL your rival! He's the usurper of what should be YOUR legacy, YOUR time to shine and to show the world the Great Asuka Langley Sohryu! He's a threat to you! Because of him, you're becoming invisible again! Because of HIM!'

 _Well, you might just get your wish at last. Think about that for a moment. You haven't been out on that battlefield alone yet. Oh sure, they'll both be present, Shinji and Rei. But, as we both know, Rei only does as she's told. There's no real regard for your life there. If you die on her watch, you die. What of it? She's the Commander's pet, and if he decides that saving you would risk her life, he'd order her to stay put, and she'd let you die in a heartbeat. And Shinji...now that you've turned him against you like you wanted, and subsequently turned Misato against you as well...who's in your corner now?_

My eyes widen.

There's...no one left...

Faces flash before my eyes...

Kaji, a saddened expression as he turns his back on me and walks away...

Hikari, tears of hurt spilling down her cheeks as she runs, sobbing, past me...

Misato, glaring with pure hatred in every line of her face as she curses me...

Papa, not even bothering to look back as he calls out a casual goodbye...

Mama, her face just visible beneath her unkempt tangle, turning away with an eerie wide-eyed blank stare out the window...

The stooges, Kensuke Aida and Touji Suzahara, laughing. Not in their usual idiotic but good-natured way, but with mockery; genuine dislike clearly visible despite the veneer of levity...

Shinji...

I see him standing there, his back to me, fists clenched, shoulders squared. He turns his head, his left eye pierces me over his shoulder with a rage and contempt I never thought possible from him...

In that moment, the boy didn't look so different from a certain other...who's cold, contemptuous scrutiny I can still sometimes feel prickling on my skin...

On the day I arrived here in Tokyo 3, immediately after taking a shower to wash off the LCL, I had been ordered to report directly to the Commander.

I'll never forget how unsettling his office was. The room was enormous, the interior entirely black and almost featureless, except for the elaborate Tree of Life design on the ceiling, some unidentifiable design on the floor, and the orange light of the sunset filtering in through the long, retangular windows.

The glow of dusk, so warm and beautiful on the outside, had instead given the room a truly hellish feeling; a horrid contrast of dark pinkish orange and pitch black. It didn't help that the windows themselves seemed to filter out all the warmth out of the color, leaving only a sort of corpse light to dimly illuminate the eerily cavernous room.

But perhaps the most disturbing element had been the occupant himself. When I opened the enormous doors to his office, the first thing I noticed was that he did not look up or turn his attention towards the door...because his gaze was already fixed towards the opposite side of the room...directly on me. And he had remained completely motionless as I approached; just watching silently from behind his glare-opaqued orange spectacles as I walked the absurd distance from the door to the lone desk at which he sat.

Once I had reached him, I could at last see the resemblance to his son. Though when he spoke, his voice was clear, icy and emotionless, the very antithesis of the easily flustered, polite but timid Third Child. The conversation had been short and terse; a briefing on my mission here in Japan and the confirmation of my living arrangements.

At one point, his glasses had slipped slightly, revealing his eyes. Normally such a thing would humanize someone, make them seem more relatable. But the brown irises seemed as distant and creepily inhuman as everything else about that strange man.

'Commander Ikari is the Third's father,' I had pondered to myself on the way out of the office. I had needed to force myself not to run out of there...I could feel the man's frigid glare on my back the entire way to the door. 'It's hard to believe that one gave life to the other, given how different they seem to be, but...that's what I've been told...'

Strangely, I had found myself hoping for some reason, as I closed the door behind me, that Shinji never saw fit to grow a beard as an adult.

I shudder at the memory of that day. I had felt less fear when Gaghiel had nearly killed me than when I had turned to leave that office. And now, the image burned into my memory, Shinji's hate-filled blue eye glaring over his shoulder, brings me back to that moment. I feel just as I did then...alone, powerless, insignificant...

 _You wanted to be alone so badly?_ The voice smirks with wry satisfaction in its every word. _Well...be_ _prepared for how it really feels..._

I try to stand, but the strength...just isn't there...


	24. Repercussions & Reparations (pt5)

AN: Alrighty, last one for this week...but I think this is the best of the bunch (for this week I mean) :)

Here's Misato...after hearing Kaji's wham line...complete with traumatic flashback (and thus, our very first onscreen Angel shenanigans! Even if it is just a flashback...).

Have fun enjoying Misato's memories of Second Impact :)

•8:43 AM

All the air in my lungs...in the entire room...seems to vanish at the sound of those words. Words want to leave my lips, but...my brain is full of...nothing...

What do I even say? Do I even have a mouth with which to speak? Am I alive...or have I died and plummeted into hell?

"Katsuragi?"

Kaji's concerned voice seems to drift through a vast emptiness.

"Katsuragi?"

But it seems to be melting into a different voice...

"Katsuragi? Dr. Katsuragi?"

Looking around, I see that the setting has changed. I thought it was my kitchen, but instead, it's a small and dingy room.

Looking up at the unknown, but...strangely distantly familar voice...I see a blonde, Scandinavian woman in a white lab coat poking her head in the door.

"Yes, Dr. Ångström?"

At the sound of THAT voice, my head should've jerked around immediately...but...I feel as if I am no longer in control of my body...

 _A memory? Yes, I...remember this..._

 _No...NO! I don't...I don't want to-_

Passing by me is another figure in a white lab coat, a middle aged Japanese man with slightly untidy jet black hair. The woman beckons him over, whispering something urgently in his ear. He nods in response, looking slightly tense, then turns to face me...

Father...

"Misato, something's just come up. I have to go."

I feel 'myself' rolling my eyes.

"I promise, we'll do lunch tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure, whatever you say..."

"Misato", he says, a slightly pleading note in his voice, "I really do-"

"Promise?" I ask scoffingly. "Yeah, you 'promise'. That means soooo much...coming from you, dad." I spit the last word out as if it were something vile.

"Not that I care anyway. The more time you spend with the your head buried in your work the better," 'I' continue, a savage smirk curling 'my' lip. Feels more natural than these forced 'bonding moments' I've had to put up with."

Dr. Ångström shakes her head disapprovingly. "Now, now dear, you really shouldn't talk to your father that way. He really is-"

"It's okay Kjersti," my father interjects, cutting her off. "Let's go do this."

The woman nods and exits, my father following. But before he goes, he looks back one last time.

"I can't give back or undo all the years that I've failed to be there for you and your mother, but I really am trying here, Misato." He looks down at his feet, unable to meet my gaze. "I'm sorry that I'm not very good at it. But, if you can just give me a chance... maybe someday...well..."

I snort derisively. "Oh just go already! I can't stand the sight of you anymore!"

He sighs as he turns away...but before he walks away, he looks back one more time, a look of sad resignation in his eyes. He tries to open his mouth to say something, but I turn my back on him. Behind me, I hear his retreating footsteps, and the ghost of a whispered "I'm sorry, Misato."

 _Go! Run after him! That was the last time I saw him before..._

Before...

The scene changes, but only slightly...

I'm reading a book, laying on the bed in the same room as before. My eyes skim the page over and over, but not a single one of the printed words filters into my mind through the haze of lethargy.

So lost in stupor am I, that it is a few seconds before I realize that the bed has begun to vibrate. Shaking my head to clear it, I now hear cries of distress and panic resounding through the halls of the facility.

What the hell is happening?!

Leaping off the bed, I run to the door, looking from side to side, trying, in my panic and confusion, to think of where my father could be. As head scientist of this operation, he should know what's going on! Running down the hallway towards what seems to be the source of the commotion, I looking around frantically, trying to spot my father, or any familiar faces.

"Ms. Katsuragi!"

Turning to see the source of the voice, I recognize Dr. Ångström. Running in the opposite direction, she skids to a halt in front of me, grabbing me by the arm.

"We have to go, NOW! Your father asked me to escort you to the escape vessels!"

"Dr. Ångström, what's going on?!" I ask fearfully as we run back the way I came. "Where's my dad?!"

"He's directing the efforts to contain the beast and minimize the dama-", she stopped herself mid-sentence, her face blanching.

"Beast? What beast? You mean that it's...some kind of monster that's causing this?!"

"More or less," the doctor responds, looking slightly resigned. "For your sake and mine, I don't suppose I could ask you to keep that on the down low though; that is, if either of us survive."

"Uh, sure I guess," I respond only half listening, most of my brain focused on keeping up my pace and trying to process the madness beginning to unfurl around us.

Then, from behind us...a tremendous...force...begins to overtake us as the lights start flickering rapidly. Though neither of us hear an explosion, and there seems to be an absence of fire, the rending sounds of violent destruction approaching is unmistakable. The air is becoming strangely warm and thick...almost alive...with rapidly intensifying pulsating energy, as if we were inside a gargantuan beating heart.

"It's too late," cries out Dr. Ångström. "The AT Field is-" but the rest of her sentence is drowned out by a colassal roar as the hallway in the distance begins to disintegrate. And as the cataclysm approaches, I am thrown to the ground by the doctor, who lays herself protectively over me, mere moments before the lights are permenantly extinguished and the maelstrom engulfs us.

I awake with a start and a gasp of pain. Opening my eyes I see...the night sky? Where's the ceiling? I try to sit up, and feel an explosion of agony through my torso.

What...what's happened to me? It feels like my chest has been torn open...

Placing a hand on my abdomen, I feel a warm stickiness. And raising my hand to eye level...blood...so much blood, my whole hand is red!

Awareness begins to seep into my brain, and with it...the deathly cold of the howling Antarctic wind, the sight of the shattered remains of the facility...and screaming...cries of terror and agony in the distance...

"Dr. Ångström?" I call out weakly as I try to turn my head to look for her. And turning to my right...I see her.

Her eyes are wide open...glassy and unfocused, her mouth lolling wide open, the lips already turning blue from the cold. Tearing my gaze from the grisly sight, I look down to see the sharp end of a broken wooden beam protruding through her middle abdomen.

I quickly realize the beam must have impaled her, then before stopping, the sharp end gouged an enormous gash into my torso.

Fully aware now of the grievous injury, able to feel where it begins and ends...the pain begins to sear unbearably. I try to scream for help, but the singing agony redoubles, and instead, I gasp out a strangled cry, tears of fear and pain trickling down my cheeks, already freezing solid in the bitter air.

Breathe...so hard to...hurts...daddy, where are...please, someone...anyone...

"Daddy..."

And the darkness takes me once again, mocking me before consciousness leaves me, with what sounds like approaching footsteps and a familiar voice frantically calling my name...

When I open my eyes again, the light has changed. Everything is hellish orange.

Have I died and gone to Perdition then? It's so much colder here than I expected.

I feel a splash of warmth on my right cheek, and turn my head to see...a man leaning over me. I begin to realize that I am in some kind of metal tube.

Taking in the sight of my apparent rescuer, I see that his flesh has melted in several places, the bone visible here and there. Despite his hideous injuries, as he meets my eye, he manages to smile; a smile full of sadness...and yet there is also joy, relief...and a sort of peaceful resignation.

It takes a moment before I see the familiar face beneath the ghastly wounds...

"Is that you dad?" I try to ask. But the hatch snaps shut, and a moment later, I hear a thump, as if the man outside had fallen on top of the tube.

"Dad!" I try to scream, but my voice is extinguished in...in...

There are no words to describe what I hear from inside the tube. I guess it must be an explosion...but its more like...everything...even the air itself is being violently ripped apart.

Through it all, however, I can still hear it...a piercing, bloodcurdling, unearthly wail that seems to penetrate the metal casing of my shelter...

Even as I'm tossed about in whatever hell has engulfed me, saved from pulverization only by the exceptionally thick padding surrounding me, I try to cover my ears, curling into a screaming ball, even as the motions send burning pain through my wound, to try to drown out that horrible sound...but it seems to fill my mind as much as it does the air outside...

"Stop it!" I try to scream over the terrible din outside the metal shell and the strangely birdlike cry now reverberating deafeningly through my skull. "You fucking monster, shut up! Please! Please..."

"Daddy...help..." My pleas dissolve into sobs...

Eventually, the terrible screech begins to fade...now only audible from the outside, and slowly weakening...

And when at last I seem to come to rest, I muster the last of my strength to stand, ignoring the protestations of my injury, and try to witness what has happened, and what...THING...has done this...

Opening the hatch door, and biting back the pain from the gash, which I only just now notice has been bandaged, I stare with all my might into the distance. At first, all I can see are two gargantuan pillars of orange light, reaching all the way up into the clouds above, and...something...between them...

I squint at the shining figure...fighting against the agony in my torso, and...

It was only for a split second that I saw it before losing consciousness...but the image will forever be burned into my memory.

In between the pillars, I saw a humanoid, luminescent white figure. Though dwarfed by the pillars flanking it, I could tell that it was many times larger than anything that walks the earth...

It...was a giant.

A giant...made of light.

"-tsuragi..."

...

"Katsuragi?"

...

"Misato!"

I shake my head to clear it and the hellish scene around me disintegrates.

I'm back in my kitchen again, sitting at the table. Kaji is no longer sitting across from me; instead, he has his hands on my shoulders, trying to wake me from whatever stupor I must have been in.

"Kaj-Kaji, stop! I'm fine, I just-...", but I stop abruptly.

Fine? I'm...fine? I've never been less fine...

And if a certain someone does not explain themselves quickly and to my satisfaction...that certain someone is going to be even less fine...

"Ryoji Kaji." My voice holds the same deadly calm that it did after Kaji told me about what happened with Shinji. "You say you brought...Adam...the First Angel...here...here to Tokyo-3?"

Kaji nods, his expression unreadable.

"How much do you know of the First Angel?" If my rage were a dam, this would be the part of the catastrophic flood to come where the first restraining bolts began to fail.

"Ikari referred to it as the first human being. Both he and SEELE have mentioned that it is the keystone of the Human Instrumentality Project." Kaji bows his head, as if in shame. "And it was also the direct cause of Second Impact."

My entire stomach seems to have morphed into lead, and even as I rise from my chair, I feel the dizzying sensation of falling deeper and deeper...

Naturally, I knew that last part...but that KAJI knew...and still brought that...that...THING, that MONSTER...

Almost subconsciously, my hand moves towards my service pistol...or at least where it would be if I had it on me...

I'm not sure I really could...but right now...

Just...why...why would he...

The movement does not go unnoticed by Kaji, but other than an infinitesimal widening of his eyes, he shows no surprise or fear.

"So, you are aware of how much danger you've put us in. NERV, Tokyo-3...the entire human race." As calm as ever, my voice does not betray the caldera of rage churning within me.

"Why would you pursue this action, knowing full well the destruction Adam is capable of?"

"I did so, because those were my orders, from Commander Ikari himself."

"And why should I believe," I retort, "that the head of the organization trying to stop the Angels, would issue such an order?"

"Ostensibly," Kaji responds evenly, "because unlike NERV-Berlin, NERV HQ has the full arsenal of Evangelions to defend against it, and a much more extensive defense array. Perhaps SEELE became nervous that Adam would reawaken, and that Berlin, effectively a paper tiger in terms of defending itself from an Angel attack, would be insufficient to neutralize it."

I pause, my anger abating for a moment. That would make sense, I suppose...but as the Tactical Operations Chief...

"Why was I not informed of this maneuver?"

Or of Adam's continued existence in the first place? I'd think it was because they'd be afraid I'd resign or suffer some kind of nervous breakdown...but I've been with NERV long enough to know that they and the Committee have no trouble replacing its staff, and as a result, care little for their mental well-being. Just being here at NERV-HQ, I've seen a menagerie of basket cases...myself included, I suppose...

"Because the reason I suggested is complete bullshit," Kaji replied with a darkening expression. "SEELE had no knowledge of Adam's transfer. And I had to kill every single guard I encountered on my mission, with the exception of one that I had to frame to look like the true culprit, in order to ensure that the theft as well as the identity of the thief remained a secret."

My eyes grow wider and wider with every word. So that means...

"NERV and SEELE have opposing goals. On the surface, at least, they are united in ending the threat of human extinction by the Angel's hands. But..." Kaji turns to look at me, a growing anger and determination in his gaze, "One has to wonder...if this much has been kept from you this whole time, and if both organizations are seeking to undermine the other to such an extent as this...what are their real objectives? Clearly there is a divide somewhere in their 'alliance'."

"Why was Adam being kept at NERV-Berlin if the defenses were powerless to stop it if it awoke?" I ask myself, just as much as Kaji.

"The open secret among those 'in the know' is that keeping Adam in Berlin, was intended as part of a ruse. Hide Adam in Berlin, while making Tokyo-3 the anti-Angel fortress to draw the Angel's attention and distract them from their true purpose."

My entire body is numb with shock...their true goal? "I was told the Angels were attacking to finish what Adam started, and eradicate all human life, starting with the main bastion of defense, Tokyo-3."

"Judging from what I've gathered," Kaji replies, "You're half right." He himself rises to his feet, and moves to the counter, leaning casually against it. Though his expression is anything but casual as he continues, "But, from what I understand, the Angels intend to make contact with Adam. Adam," he looks at me intensely, "Is the Progenitor of all the Angels. All those that have come, and will come...are its offspring. By making contact with Adam, they will initiate a Third Impact, extinguishing all remaining life on the planet."

I slump back into my seat...unable to believe what I'm hearing. And yet, I know in my heart that Kaji, for all his apparent talent in the art of deception, is not lying. He never lies when he gets like this.

For several minutes, silence reigns, Kaji pausing his onslaught of revelations...presumably to give me time to recover.

At last, I manage to compose myself. "Ryoji," I say calmly, though without the anger from before, "I...I'm deciding to trust you for now. But I need to know...everything. No more secrets. Tell me everything you know...everything that has been and that is being kept from me."

I fix upon him with a hard stare. "Everything."

Kaji nods, and after a moment of silence to collect his thoughts, continues uncovering the viper's pit of secrets, lies, and betrayal.


	25. Repercussions & Reparations (pt6)

AN: Well, I was originally going to wait until Wednesday to post this, sine this will be the only update this week...but screw it! Have it now! :)

But, getting serious again...brace yourselves. This one might be a trifle intense.

Aaaaannnnndddd Ms. Asuka Langley Sohryu has the floor...

•9:58 AM

Logically, it shouldn't have taken over an hour to walk home. But after I stopped running...all my strength...it just...evaporated. My feet dragged as if tied to millstones, eyes glued to the ground. Some old creep tried to chat me up, and I didn't even react or respond; in fact, I barely even noticed he was there, and didn't even look up when he was accosted and shooed off by a couple of passing college students.

Is it that I'm afraid of what's to come? Being yelled at, or worse, by Misato? That'd make sense, I guess. But...the force holding me back...it didn't seem to be pushing against me from the front...but pulling...from behind...as if...

'What, you want to go back? To do what, apologize? Hah! You'd never get the words out! And even so...what's there to be sorry about? You didn't say anything untrue, you know?'

I remember my caustic words to Hikari...my cruel dismissal of Shinji, right in front of him, as if he weren't there, despite the terrible things I had already said last night...

'And what's more...you're free now! You should be happy! After all you've said and done, that sad little puppy won't be tailing you around anymore.'

I'm free?

I try to picture it...to savor the taste of 'being free'...

But all I see...is that eye...

Dark blue...

Hatred...

A retreating back walking resolutely into the distance...

The taste of 'victory' is emptiness...

Fear...

Regret?

'Look, it was a long time coming! You and I both know that sooner or later, no matter...what...might have happened...Shinji would have walked away. It might as well be on your terms instead of his.'

Would he have?

It matters little, I guess. After all that's happened...the only way is forward.

In spite of this revelation, my pace does not increase even a fraction of a hair. In fact, when I see my apartment building looming in front of me at last, I stop. And for the second time since I began my journey, turn to look back the way I came.

 _'You wanted to be alone so badly? Well, be prepared for how it really feels.'_

'You don't need anyone! You never did and never will! And without Shinji to hold you back, there's nothing to keep from taking what's yours anymore! Now that he's written you off for good, you can write him off and won't be stuck playing babysitter to the world's saddest excuse for a 'hero'.

I feel a lurching sensation as I recoil at that last thought.

Disgust? At whom, I wonder?

Despite the steadily rising heat of the day, there's a curious chill in the air as I turn around and continue towards the drab concrete block ahead, covering the last of the distance to the lobby entrance in what feels like an eternity.

The elevator ride, by contrast, seems almost instantaneous. Given my snail's pace the majority of the walk here, I guess that's no surprise.

A few long minutes after walking out of the the lift doors, I at last find myself before that familiar door.

Home...the place that, in mere moments, will no longer be home...no longer welcome to me...

For the first and only time since arriving on this doorstep, I feel compelled to knock, despite having the key in my pocket.

I tap twice on the door...

And as I hear the approach of footsteps, my thoughts turn to a memory only a month in the past, yet seemingly a lifetime ago...

Shinji standing with his back to me, apron strings around his neck and waist, so immersed in his work, he does not notice my standing there, mere inches behind him. The room is awash with the odor of German cuisine, so unfamiliar to this average Japanese kitchen, yet so familiar to me that for a moment, I forget that I'm halfway around the world from my homeland. I forget that Shinji is my rival...forget that I have to regard him with contempt if he is to remember his place...and I smile, in spite of everything.

I could never...NEVER...for as long I'm around him, let him see the way I was looking at him then.

And it feels all that much colder when reality reawakens me to the sound of a sliding door...the knowledge that after today, such a thing will never happen again.

In the open doorway stands the man a part of me still desires more than almost anything...aside from the glory of piloting anyway. Kaji looks slightly surprised to see me, but allows a small smile as he steps back to let me in. "You're back rather early."

"Yeah," I reply listlessly.

Kaji's brow furrows slightly at my tone. "Did, uh, something happen today?" he asks.

I nod.

"With you-know-who?"

With considerable hesitation, I nod again.

Kaji puts a hand over his face, shaking his head wearily.

I simply stare down at the floor, unable to look at his obvious disappointment in me...and with it, the implication that, even HE automatically assumes I am at fault.

"Well, we'll keep that on the down low for now. Tell me about it later. Right now, you and Katsuragi need to talk."

I jerk my head in vague agreement, not even looking up as he follows me into the kitchen. Those words all but confirm the implication...but it can't be helped...and I'm too burned out already to call him out on it like I did Hikari. And in any case, Kaji is my only ally left right now...and as much as I hate to admit it...I'm scared to face my former guardian alone.

There at the table sits Misato, face buried in her hands, rubbing her temples as if frustrated or deep in thought. At the sound of our footsteps, she looks up. And seeing who it is, rises to her feet, placing her hands on her hips.

I'm not sure how I truly expected to feel at this moment, but even I have to recoil a little at the expression on my soon to be ex-guardian's face.

Normally an infuriatingly cheerful woman, seeing her truly angry is rare. There were moments when I angered her back when we first met several years ago, and there have been moments since I moved in here back in September...but never like this.

The glare she is directing at me could melt through solid steel. In the corner of my eye, I see Kaji lean against the entrance; silently watchful.

For a moment, there is a tense silence, and the feeling of sitting atop a fresh powder keg while holding a match, as I try, and mostly fail, to meet Misato's livid gaze.

Soon enough, however, the silence is dispelled.

"So," Misato begins, her voice disturbingly calm despite her visible fury, "heard you and Shinji had a rather...interesting...evening while I was gone."

"You could call it that," I shoot back.

Misato narrows her eyes dangerously, but maintains her chilly calm. I find it deeply unsettling. "Mind filling me in Asuka?"

Naturally, I knew she'd want to hear the truth from me. Still...

Playing for time, I respond, "Kaji probably told you everything. Why do you need to hear it again from me?"

"Maybe he could've missed something. Maybe I just want to hear your side from you personally," Misato retorts icily. "Regardless, it's not a request. Start talking."

Knowing that arguing would be a poor choice at this point, I begin...

"Shinji and I were alone together in the kitchen. We were just kind of sitting around, doing nothing, and I got bored. So I suggested to Shinji that we should kiss to pass the time."

Misato's eyes narrow even more, but she nods, bidding me to continue.

"Well...we did. But Shinji got the wrong idea about it."

"The wrong idea?" Misato raises an eyebrow. "Wrong in what way? Did he do something inappropriate?"

"No!"

A moment of silence follows my exclamation, as I try to regain my composure. Still, despite the fact that the Third Child can be a stupid pervert sometimes, I'd never want anyone to think he might be capable of any real harm...though, it's not like Misato would believe me if it were true that he were...

"Well then?" she inquires curtly.

"Well...it would seem...that Third has a bit of a crush on me, and...took the kiss a little too seriously." I suddenly find it hard to hard to look directly at Misato. "He...the idiot should've known better."

Misato bristles visibly at that last comment, but she keeps her tone even as she continues, "And that's all? Kaji mentioned something about an argument afterwards."

"I...well...yeah. I kinda lost my temper with him." I still can't bring myself to look directly at her.

"Care to explain why?"

Panic starts to fill me once more. This is it, the trap I've been dreading...

If I tell her the same lie-...uh, I-I mean...what I told Kaji this morning...she'll probably kill me. If I tell her the tru-

'No! THAT isn't the truth! That 'other voice' was full of shit and you know it! And even if it were true, no one can know...EVER! You'll be weak, dependent, insignificant, NOTHING! And you'll still end up alone...'

The fear of knowing that neither answer is going to help paralyzes me...

"I'm waiting..."

And, keeping within a seeming trend today, my paralysis is shattered when my fear mutates into defensive anger.

"What do you care?!"

"Excuse me?" Misato's voice rises a fraction of a notch.

"What do you care WHY I lost my temper? In any case, I'm sure Kaji already told you EXACTLY what I told him this morning! You shouldn't need to hear it again from me!"

"Asuka." Misato's calm is becoming more and more forced and strained by the second. "I'm trying to be fair, and hear you out."

"Bullshit," I snarl back at her.

You lying whore! I know what you really want. You want to humiliate me even more by forcing me to confess in front of you! By making me tell you everything that happened, you're hoping for more of an excuse to rage and storm at me because I 'dared' to yell at your 'favorite pilot'!

"What I say isn't going to matter one bit! To you, I'm just the nasty little cunt that hurt your precious Shinji's feelings! It's not like my feelings in the matter are important to you! If it didn't concern the idiot in some way, you wouldn't even pretend to ca-"

Faster than either me or Kaji could have anticipated, Misato closes the gap between us.

SMACK!

Pain explodes on the left side of my face, and I stagger, but manage to stay on my feet.

"You little bitch," she snarls, the deadly calm façade crumbling away as something...uglier...takes it's place. "You emotionally abuse your fellow pilot and roommate to the point that it drives him to stand at the edge of a rooftop...and all you can do is think about yourself and how you're being treated 'unfairly'?!" Her chest heaving furiously, she glares down at me, growing dislike in every line of her face. "Even now, that's all you have to say about this?"

I turn to glare back at her, raising my fists, ready to pay her back twice over. "Fuck you Misa-"

When...something...Misato said begins to sink in.

"W-wait. What did you-"

Misato's hand lashes out once more, this time to seize a fistful of my blouse, and I cry out involuntarily as she draws back her arm, bringing our faces within centimeters of one another.

"Yeah, you heard me correctly. He almost decided to jump because of what you did!" With those last words, she releases her grip roughly, almost throwing me from her grip.

I stagger backwards slightly, and Misato advances forward, an animalistic snarl on her face, as she begins to raise her hand again.

But before I can even begin to brace myself, Kaji moves in between us, and seizes her, none-to-gently, by the wrist.

She turns her furious expression towards him instead...and for one horrible moment, I fear that she will strike him instead, right there in front of me.

But after a tense moment of silence in which they stare hard at one another, I see Kaji shake his head wordlessly at her. At this gesture, Misato's visible rage begins to wane rapidly, her eyes suddenly unable to meet his and staring down at the floor.

Kaji's grip on her slackens and becomes a supporting gesture rather than a restraining one. And turning to face me, he smiles reassuringly, and leads us both back to the table, setting us down in the chairs opposite of the other.

"Alright. Now let's keep this simple, and as civil as possible under the circumstances." At those words, he shoots a significant look at Misato, who glares back for a moment, but nods grudgingly.

For a moment, I feel immense relief at Misato having been successfully calmed down, trying not to think about how far she might have gone if Kaji hadn't been here to stop her...

But then I remember...

Where...did she just say...Shinji went again?

 _Oh...you heard her alright. You just don't want to believe it._

I...I-I n-need to be sure...

"Where...exactly did you say Shinji ran off to, again?" I sound a lot more frightened and mortified than I'd ever want to outwardly show.

With a loud thump, Misato smashes her fist on the table, rising angrily to her feet. "Don't you dare act like you didn't hear every word I just said," she snarls through gritted teeth. "Go on, keep playing dumb. I fucking da-"

"Misato!"

We both turn to face Kaji with varying degrees of shock, and I find myself needing to repress a shiver. I never knew Kaji could glare like that.

Once more, all the wind seems to leave Misato's sails as she sits back down, settling for shooting a dirty look at us both before glowering down at the table.

"That's better," Kaji says, sounding calm, though without a shred of his usual cheeriness. "I'll take over for now."

With a deep sigh, Kaji looks down at his folded hands for over a minute before turning to face me once more.

"Asuka," he begins...and I find myself feeling what could only be described as...'small'. Honestly, right now, I wish he'd just...scream and yell instead of...I can't even describe it...

"Last night, when you told me what happened," he continues, "You were quite open with your remorse for what happened."

He closes his eyes in a way that makes me wish I could disappear at will, and reappear thousands of miles away. "I hope...I devoutly hope, that your display when I returned was not merely for my benefit. That is to say, I hope it was not a façade meant only to elicit my pity and keep you out of trouble."

I don't even know how to respond to that.

 _Of course you meant it!_

I know! But...only Kaji is allowed to see that. It's already bad enough that he's probably told Misato that I cried like a stupid, spoiled little girl. But I'll be damned if I give HER the satisfaction of actually seeing it happen.

Kaji gives me a shrewd, calculating look, before dropping his gaze, breathing a defeated sigh that makes me want to curl up and die of shame. "I had hoped you understood what you did...and that we wouldn't have to tell you..."

He opens his eyes once more, fixing me with a piercing stare over his folded hands in a pose that is...uncomfortably familiar to me.

"But it seems..." the temperature of his voice is dropping with every word, "...that you've left me with no choice."

I want to run...I want to leave this place. I want to go so far away, that I'll never again have to hear the cold, disappointed voice of the man I once loved so much telling me how awful I am.

Never mind, of course...that I could never run that far away. Running away, no matter how far, wouldn't extinguish the memory...

 _These are the repercussions of what you've done. Now you must reap what you've sown. Accepting that this is what you deserve is the least of the reparations you must make._

Forcing myself to look Kaji directly in the eye, I see him open his mouth to speak...

"After he ran from the apartment, he took the elevator to the roof."

My stomach feels like a giant fist is slowly clenching around it...

"I followed him, and upon reaching the roof..."

No...please...

"...I saw him standing..."

I-I feel...sick..

"...on top of the ledge, staring out over the drop."

...

...

...

...

"Luckily, he climbed back down before he even knew I was there. But I want you to understand, Asuka..."

I can't look at Kaji anymore. I can't look anywhere...but down.

"I want you to understand how cruel your behavior was...what it nearly cost. And I'm through defending you from the weight of those actions."

Breathe...just need to breathe...

Need to push it down...

I-I won't...I'm not g-going to...n-not in front of that bitch, Misato!

'You have to fight back! You have to show them...both of them! You have to show them that you're above their fucking guilt tripping!'

...

'Call their bluff right now! Then Misato will just get all righteously enraged...or maybe to appeal to your 'better nature' by pretending she actually gives a fuck.'

...

'But you know...you know what she really thinks don't you?'

...

'She thinks you're a vicious, nasty little German slut who gets off on teasing and baiting pathetic twerps like Shinji, only to stomp them into the dust and walk off laughing.'

...

'And that's only because you won't be what her precious Shinji wants you to be. She thinks that just because the idiot is nice to you that you 'owe him'.

...

'And so does the little twit himself! When you kissed him, that idiot had the audacity to think that all of sudden, you'd 'discover' that you had some kind of 'deep, burning, passionate love' for him that you could never admit to before.'

...

'He probably thought you'd start throwing yourself into his arms every chance you got. And that you'd spread your legs every time he so much as smiled at you!'

...

'And none of them...not even Kaji...care about what you might want!'

...what I might want?

'Never mind that the idiot was probably hoping you'd follow after him when he ran off, so that you'd see him up there on the ledge! He was probably going to try to guilt you into letting him have his way with you; pitiful, stupid, cowardly little bastard that he is!'

What I want?

'And yet he just gets comforted and patted on the back by Misato and Kaji and even Hikari, of all people...like he's some kind of goddamn hero for deciding not to jump off a fucking roof just because he got rejected! But you? No! You're just the bitch that broke his poor wittle heart because you won't let him use you!'

...

'None of them...none of them care what you-'

What...I...want...is...for you...to shut...the...fuck...up...

'...what?'

Shut up...and go away. I've had enough.

'Don't you dare-'

OR WHAT?!

'...as if you even know what to say now anyway. What will you do without my help?'

At that thought, I freeze...what can I say...what does someone even say after being told something like this?

I want to say...something...anything...

But there's nothing...no defense I can offer...no excuse. And even the two words that immediately come to mind...the ones that always annoyed me so when they came from 'him'...utterly meaningless now.

It is Misato, of all people...who comes to my rescue now. Raising her head to look directly at me, she begins to speak...and to my surprise, her voice, while still rather stern, is no longer contorted with barely suppressed rage. "Asuka? Did you intend to hurt Shinji?"

My eyes widen. I had expected that question...but not the way it was asked. I had expected it to be entirely rhetorical, with Misato having clearly made up her mind about the answer. But, this...she really wants to know. And my response really will make a difference for better or worse...

I know the answer, but the bigger question is...how to answer it.


	26. Repercussions & Reparations (pt7)

AN: It's that time! This will be the first of two updates this week.

Back to you Miss Misato!

•10:33 AM

'How could I have been so blind? God, I really let my anger fuck this up didn't I?'

It took several rebukes from Kaji to screw my brain back into place. Thank goodness that he's here right now, or I'd probably have beaten the girl to within an inch of her life.

What's worse...now that I think about it, it's not just righteous anger on Shinji's behalf. It's because she's just like me...and because what she did to Shinji is really no different than what I did to-

'No! I'm not going into that minefield right now! Besides...even if I've made the same mistake in the past, that doesn't make what she did okay. And I can't pretend that I'm not still angry with her after what Kaji told me she said and did to Shinji...'

But now, after calming down and remembering who I'm dealing with, I've started to pay more attention.

I looked her in the eyes, and saw what I had been missing...I paid more attention to her words and tone of voice, and started to hear the things she wasn't saying...refuses to say because of her pride...because she's afraid...

Kaji told me that, according to Asuka herself, she had initially chosen to kiss Shinji out of curiosity, but had only chosen to do so because Kaji refused to let her kiss him, and because he happened to be nearby when the impulse struck. Then, during the kiss itself, to mask how repulsive she found the experience, she had imagined that she WAS kissing Kaji...hence, why she appeared to have enjoyed the experience.

The thing that made her actions truly repulsive was the fact that Asuka was well aware of his crush on her from the beginning, and had taken advantage of it. Also, when the things had gone awry for her, she had told Shinji all of these unpleasant truths; screamed them to his face in a fit of rage, alongside her usual barrage of insults, just when Shinji had managed to overcome his shyness enough to tell her how he felt and try to understand her confusing behavior towards him.

Could I fault Asuka for being honest and rejecting someone she had no interest in? Of course not!

On the other hand, could I be furious with her for knowingly toying with an emotionally vulnerable boy's feelings for her own selfish purposes; and then, instead of just letting him down easy when things went too far for her comfort, chosing to viciously attack his insecurities while insulting him, and sneering at his genuine affection for her? Absolutely...

Except...is that really what happened?

Kaji has his doubts, and now that I'm facing Asuka with a clear head, so do I...

After Kaji told her where he found Shinji...her whole demeanor changed, and I can tell that it wasn't an intentional display.

She had gone completely still, her face drained of color, and she couldn't bring herself to look at Kaji after he put it all on the table. Even so, I could see that her eyes were wide with shock the whole time.

Even now, she's fighting it...she's trying her best to look like she's not affected...but it's not working.

'Now that she's raised her head, I can see her expression. And I can tell for sure now...Kaji's revelation horrified her, as it well should...'

And yet, she'll still fight back and try to deny it; I know her well enough...

'But still, the remorse I wanted to see from her...it's there now.'

She can't look me in the eye for more than a split second without immediately looking away. And everything about her body language is radiating genuine discomfort and fear rather than the belligerence she's tried so hard to sell.

'So...I think that now would be the best time to just...cut to the point, and ask the important question.'

It'll most likely catch her off guard, and even if she doesn't answer truthfully, she probably won't be able to hide the truth from me or Kaji.

Well, no time like the present...

"Asuka? Did you intend to hurt Shinji?"

Her eyes widen at the question, and any pretense of belligerence is shattered. Looks like Kaji was right then. I grimace, feeling the guilt at my earlier outburst crawling in my stomach. For at least a moment, I see Asuka as she really is...

Hanging her head, possibly to hide her face until she can compose it, she remains silent for more than a minute. I wait patiently, already knowing the answer...only waiting to see what she says.

"No."

I almost wince at how broken she sounds.

"At least...it wasn't my initial intention. I didn't bring up the idea of kissing each other just to rip out his heart and stomp on it. But...when I lost my temper, I did just that...and at that moment, I DID mean to hurt him. I wanted him to give up on the idea of being with me, and I...I thought...that he...might not...if I held back..."

She looks up, and though she's trying to hide it, there is genuine sorrow in her eyes.

"I figured if I was hard on him, and scared him enough, that he'd just give up. I told myself would only hurt him more to draw it out any longer."

She sighs, "But I let myself get angry at him for something that was entirely my fault. I let myself blame him...when it really was more my fault for...well...manipulating him. Even if I didn't intend to hurt him...I knew perfectly well that I was toying with his feelings."

She looks down, speaking to the floor.

"I knew...of course I knew he had a crush on me. How could I not? I guess...I expected him to be too much of a chicken to express any actual interest."

She looks back up. This time, she looks me directly in the eye without wavering. "So, I take full responsibility for what happened. It was my fault. I exploited his feelings, pretty much bullied him into letting me kiss him, then blew up on him when he suddenly grew a spine, and it didn't go the way I planned."

Asuka takes a deep breath, seemingly steeling herself.

"Could you..." She looks to the floor again, but not before I see the light blush creeping up her cheeks. "Do you think you could..."

I know what she's trying to say. "Tell him you're sorry?", I finish for her.

She doesn't answer, but I know what the lack of denial means.

"That's something neither of us can do for you Asuka," Kaji says firmly. "You have to face him yourself. Those words will mean less...and perhaps nothing...coming from anyone but you."

"No!" Asuka cries, some of her feigned belligerence returning. "Out of the question! I could never-..."

She turns to glare at Kaji...but just like before, it's hollow belligerence...hiding fear.

And within minutes, the flimsy mask fades away as she sighs defeatedly, "He probably won't listen to me anyway." She seems to shrink a little bit. "I know I wouldn't."

As much as want to tell her not to be such a defeatist, and that maybe things will turn out better than she thinks...I honestly can't bring myself to say it and sound genuinely convincing. Looking at Kaji, I see that he too seems unsure of whether he wants to challenge Asuka's statement or not.

Asuka, who seems to have picked up on this better than either of us would've liked, thankfully elects to change the subject. "So...I guess I'd better start packing now?"

I almost nod in response...but pause, unsure...do I still think that'd be for the best?

Kaji, however, makes the decision for me. "Yes, Asuka. As we discussed before, I think it best that you two be separated for the time being. Do you disagree?"

Asuka vigorously shakes her head...but far from looking comfortable with her choice, her eyes display a wistful sadness. For a moment, the cerulean irises linger on the stove, before swiveling back to the floor.

Slowly, the redhead rises from the chair without another word, and exits the kitchen, heading towards her bedroom. Neither Kaji or myself speak a word as we hear the unmistakable sounds of boxes being packed.

Then, about a quarter of an hour later, the tense silence is broken by the sound of the doorbell.

Kaji and I exchange a look. If that's who we think it could be...

"I'll get it," I say, rising from my seat. Before exiting the kitchen, I hear the sound of packing down the hall abruptly stop.

Walking briskly to the front door, I brace myself, wondering what I can possibly say.

Shinji, I'm so sorry...just doesn't seem to cut it.

The door slides open.

"Oh, hello Ms. Horaki."


	27. Repercussions & Reparations (pt8)

AN: Okie dokie, time for update number two :)

Here's Hikari being the most compassionate and understanding friend ever...basically just what Asuka needs right now.

•10:29 AM

I end the call to my father, and put my cellphone away. No longer distracted by the conversation, my thoughts begin to race as I walk briskly away from the school. Partially, it's just the feeling of 'wrongness' at leaving so early. I can't help but feel like I'm playing hooky, as if I were some kind of...delinquent or something.

I'm just glad Mr. Nebukawa gave me permission to leave, otherwise...I mean, even WITH permission...this still feels so wrong!

But...I can't just sit there and do nothing either...

After seeing Asuka run off like that, knowing how upset and unlike herself she's been today. I mean...she actually called me to ask me to meet up with her this morning...

Asuka NEVER reaches out to anyone like that. And still, it took me this long and...Ikari filling me in on what happened to upset them both so much...and even after that, almost two hours to work up the courage to actually go after her. And even now, I'm still obsessing about leaving school early?

What kind of friend am I?!

'Of course, she DID snap at me. And then there's what she said about poor Shinji right in front of him. AND what Shinji told me about...what happened before. I may not know everything about what happened...but it seems like Asuka is ENTIRELY at fault. Wanting to help her seems almost crazy at this point...'

Almost, but...part of me feel sure that what happened is more the result of 'misunderstanding' rather than real malice on her part. That part of me says Asuka needs a friend to talk to...and someone that hasn't lost all faith in her.

Truthfully, I don't know if this is right, and I can't deny that I'm really questioning my decision to call my father ahead of time to ask if Asuka could move in. But...despite my doubts, it feels like the right thing to do.

'Asuka DID look like she regretted what she did in the hallway. And this morning, she seemed more sad than angry...at least until I pressed too much for answers. I think she really regrets...what Shinji told me she did last night. If that's so, maybe all Asuka needs is someone to hear her out...or at least, some guidance to the right path...and support to keep from losing her way again.

'Honestly, I don't really know if I can help...or if she'll even let me...but I'm going to try anyway. I have to.'

As I walk, I flash back to the words that appeared on my screen when Shinji revealed what had happened between he and Asuka the previous night...

Ikari, S.: _"I can't...tell you everything. Also, I think you should hear out Asuka's side of it . But, I guess...what I can tell you is...well..."_

It was over a minute before he was able to articulate his thoughts.

Ikari, S.: " _Asuka...she...she said she was bored and, um, suggested we should kiss to pass the time"_

My jaw had nearly hit the floor when I read that part. Even through my surprise, however, I couldn't suppress a certain smugness. 'Called it!'

My fingers trembling, I had hurriedly typed back, _"She did?! When?! Last night?!"_

Ikari, S.: _"Yeah"_

Horaki, H.: _"Well...did you?!"_

'Knowing those two,' I had thought to myself, 'Shinji had probably refused out of shyness, causing her to get angry at his density. That would possibly explain why Asuka was so depressed and short-tempered today, and why he seems so upset. If it's just that, and nothing serious...then they just need some time to cool off, and then maybe I can lend a hand in helping them...'patch things up.' I'd had to suppress a small giggle at that last thought.

Ikari, S.: _"Yeah"_

I had immediately turned my head to look at him. He had immediately turned away, having clearly been watching me to see my reaction. Accordingly, his face had been deeply flushed with embarrassment.

I had almost uttered a triumphant squeal at the confirmation in Shinji's reply...before the implications gave me pause...

So, he hadn't chickened out? Then...what went wrong?

Deciding to ease gently into uncovering the problem, I had typed, _"Well, uh, how was it?"_

Ikari, S.: _"It was..."_

I looked over at him again. He was blushing more furiously than ever.

Ikari, S.: _"It was...nice"_

I smiled a little bit at that...before...

Ikari, S.: _"...at first..."_

Deciding this was the time to ask the direct question, I had responded, _"Why? What happened? What went wrong?"_

I looked over at Shinji again to see that his face was buried in his hands. He looked more distraught than before; the opposite of the boy that had calmly walked away from Asuka barely a half hour ago.

I started to feel guilty, wondering if I should drop the matter if it was really hurting him to talk about it. But before I could send a message to tell him he didn't have to answer, he had begun to type. And he was typing what was clearly more than a one word response. Looking back to my screen, I held my breath, waiting...

Then...

Ikari, S.: _"I just kinda stood there at first. I figured she was just toying with me. I didn't really think she was interested in me or anything. It didn't help that she was pinching my nose shut at that moment."_

I grimaced a little at that last bit.

Ikari, S.: _"But I...well...I just decided enough was enough. So, I took a chance, and kissed her back instead of just standing there."_

I smirked a little, wondering whether Asuka had been caught off guard by Shinji's unexpected boldness.

Ikari, S.: _"At first, everything seemed okay. She even seemed...happy..."_

A brief pause...

Ikari, S.: _"Then it looked she was starting to feel uncomfortable, so immediately let her go and backed off. Then...she...screamed at me, 'I HATE YOU!'"_

I had actually pushed myself away from the computer at the implied force of the all caps lettering of those last three words.

'Well,' I said to myself, 'Can't say I saw that coming. Although...'

If I thought about it, it kind of did explain the nature of their behavior towards each other today.

I looked back at Shinji, and felt a stab of sympathy for the boy. It couldn't have been easy for him to overcome his shyness enough to take a risk like that. And to have Asuka say that to him afterwards...

'Asuka...why?' I wondered to myself. 'It's so obvious to everyone that you like him. Why would you say that? And did you really have to be so mean about it?'

Lost in my ruminations, it was nearly a minute before I realized that Shinji had sent another message, and was still typing.

Ikari, S.: _"It was weird. At first she apologized for saying it. But then, she started saying it had been a mistake to kiss me."_

A brief pause...

Ikari, S.: _"It hurt when she said that. I...well...liked it...and I, well...I liked her too...I even...I even told her so...I thought maybe if I did..."_

'So...you really were trying Shinji...' I thought to myself. I could feel my heart break a little for him.

Ikari, S.: _"I tried to understand. I tried to ask her why...I was just so...confused...by her. By everything...but it just made her angry with me..."_

I almost tasted the bitterness in his next sentence.

Ikari, S.: _"I guess I hoped...that maybe, there was a chance...it was STUPID, I know...but, a part of me...really thought that maybe...if I told her the truth, she'd do the same...and that it would turn out that she was just afraid of admitting how she...felt towards me. Well...she told me the truth...I couldn't take it anymore, and I ran out of the apartment and went..."_

Another, somewhat lengthy pause.

Ikari, S.: _"I went...um...pretty far before I, uh, stopped running."_

I suspected there was more to that than he was letting on, but at that point Shinji stopped typing. Another glance at him confirmed that he was waiting for my response. After a moment of silence, I began to type again.

Horaki, H: _"Shinji. I'm so sorry. I...I really am surprised that Asuka would act that way. I thought for sure that she...well, I don't really understand what happened either."_

Ikari, S.: _"It's okay. It was kinda my fault too. I kept trying to talk to her when she just wanted to get away from me. Maybe if I had just backed off, this wouldn't have happened...or at least, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad."_

That may or may not have been true, but given what Shinji had told me thus far, I can understand why he would have pressed Asuka for answers.

Deciding that I should probably know a bit more before trying to offer any help or advice, I continued, _"When she told you 'the truth', what did she say exactly? I...I know it might be too nosy of me to ask, but...I'd like to talk to her about this...and if I know what she said, maybe I can help?"_

Shinji's response was surprisingly quick, and so bitterly worded that I felt myself grimace.

Ikari, S.: _"I'm sorry, but I don't want to get into what she said. You'll have to ask her that yourself. You can probably guess at some of it anyway. But as for helping me...the best thing you can do is keep Asuka far away from me."_

'If mere words on a computer screen could physically glare at you...' I thought to myself.

Ikari, S.: _"I'm done with her. Unless it involves NERV, I want nothing more to do with Asuka."_

I had attempted after that, despite Shinji's refusal, to try and coax him into revealing what Asuka had said that could be so bad. After all, what could be worse than 'I HATE YOU!' But between that, and my rather weak attempts to defend her and explain that her behavior often belied her true feelings and intent, I only ended up annoying him enough to make him beat a retreat with some hasty excuse about his school work, at which point he closed the laptop and refused to so much as blink in my direction.

Returning to the present, I frown slightly, as I see Asuka's apartment block getting closer and closer.

Whatever Asuka may have done, I still can't just turn my back on her...and I won't. If anything, she may need someone now more than ever.

And...I think Shinji does too...but, he seems to be handling himself surprisingly well at the moment. Still...I feel I should look out for him anyway.

But Asuka needs me now, and I may be the only one than can help if what she says about her guardian is true. Miss Katsuragi seemed quite pleasant when I met her a while back, but Asuka has said before that she favors Shinji over her. If that's true, Asuka might not get much sympathy from her. I'd certainly like to think otherwise, but...I'm not taking the chance.

About ten minutes later, I stand outside the door of the apartment. The last time I was here, it was to celebrate Ms. Katsuragi's promotion to Major. That evening, the place had been warm and inviting, full of laughter and cheer. Arguments had erupted between Asuka and the Stooges, aka Kensuke Aida and Toji Suzahara...but it hadn't been anything outside the ordinary for them, and it was pretty much been forgotten in the end.

Now, knowing what I do, the place seems colder and more dreary. The encounter to come will likely be an unpleasant one, given what Ms. Katsuragi's mood will probably be, and of course...Asuka herself may not even be happy to see me; almost certainly won't be, given how she exploded on me earlier. I find myself hoping against the laws of probability that Mr. Kaji is still here; Asuka may be inclined to reign in the worst of her anger in front of him.

I wait for a moment, listening intently for the sounds of a heated argument. When I hear nothing on the other side of the door, I take a deep breath, and push the doorbell. For a minute, I hold my breath, half hoping that no one answers. But soon enough, I hear footsteps on the other side, and a moment later, the door slides open.

Ms. Katsuragi stands in the doorway, looking strained. She opens her mouth almost automatically...but closes it when she looks directly at me. Obviously, she had expected someone else...and I have a good idea who.

She recovers quickly enough, however.

"Oh, hello Ms. Horaki," she says politely with a small, perfunctory smile.


	28. Repercussions & Reparations (pt9)

AN: Eh, screw waiting for Sunday. This week has FOUR updates, so here's the first one. :)

This one is VERY short though...and pretty much just a small transitional piece. It's not even really necessary. So, to make up for that, I'll upload the next one right after this :)

For now, here's Kaji.

•10:59 AM

From the kitchen table, I hear the front door slide open.

"Oh, hello Ms. Horaki," I hear Katsuragi saying.

'Oh, shit!'

I feel my stomach plummet. Maybe Ms. Horaki is just concerned about Asuka and came to check on her...but it's also possible that she's come to inform Katsuragi of that 'incident' with Shinji at school that had most likely caused Asuka to come home early in the first place. I was hoping to address it only if it became necessary...

'Well,' I think to myself wryly, 'looks like it just did.'

While Katsuragi and Horaki continue conversing at the door, I quietly slip out my seat and head straight to Asuka's room.

I knock gently on the door.

"Who is it?" Asuka answers, sounding extremely tense.

"Kaji," I reply. "Your friend Ms. Horaki just arrived. She's talking to Katsuragi as we speak."

"Oh." She sounds slightly relieved...and more than a little ashamed. "I never would have expected her to blow off school to-"

She cuts off abruptly, and opens the door looking frantic.

"Kaji," she whispers, "You don't think she's here to tell Misato about..."

"The 'incident' at school?" I finish for her. "I don't know. But in case she is, or in case she lets anything slip about it, you may want to take a moment to fill me in now."

For a moment, Asuka looks like she wants to protest, but quickly thinks better of it. "Alright," she says grudgingly, "Come in."


	29. Repercussions & Reparations (pt10)

VL

AN: And here's the next one! This is a bit more substantial...and we're back to Misato now :)

•10:59 AM

"Good morning Ms. Katsuragi," the freckled brunette says nervously. "Is Asuka here?"

I nod grimly. "Yes, she's here." I consider Asuka's mood earlier and decide that her friend deserves to at least be warned in advance. "I'm not sure this is a good time for visitors though."

"I just wanted to make sure she was alright. She...she seemed so upset when she ran off."

I allow myself a genuine smile. Whatever Asuka's faults may be, she seems to have chosen her friends wisely.

I'm still not certain if Asuka is in a fit state to appreciate the gesture, but I decide that the least I can do is invite her in.

"Why don't you come on in, Ms. Horaki?"

She nods, and I stand back to admit her inside. I lead her into the kitchen, noting that Kaji left the table while I was gone. Possibly to help Asuka pack...or warn her that Hikari is here to see her.

We sit at the table, awkward silence beginning to unfurl in the room again.

"So," the girl finally speaks up, "I guess you already know..."

"Yeah," I sigh heavily. "Asuka told you then?"

"No." She casts her eyes downward. "Ikari did."

That actually catches me by surprise. I would have expected Shinji to be rather tight lipped about what had happened, considering he hadn't even talked to me about it...then again, Kaji had intervened before he could...perhaps there just wasn't time.

Suddenly, I realize that if Kaji hadn't interfered, and Shinji had told me what happened...I'd never have let him go to school today if I had known. Scowling to myself, I decide to broach that subject with Kaji later.

But for now...Shinji...

"Ms. Horaki," I ask, not bothering to mask my concern, "how is he? How is Shinji? Is he alright?"

What a stupid question! Of course he's not alright!

"Well, um," she begins, looking uncertain, "he...he seemed very down. When I spoke to him, he was confused and hurt by Asuka's behavior. And he basically asked me to keep her away from him."

She shakes her head sadly. "I don't understand her either. I know they've always had a rocky relationship, but...everyone could see how they really felt. I was so sure they'd eventually get past it, but...now..."

"Preaching to the choir on that one," I sigh.

"In general though," she continues, suddenly looking rather pensive, "he seems to be holding up okay...better than I would have thought."

'Well, Shinji has gotten stronger during his time hear at NERV.' I say to myself, remembering the boy that only a few months before had needed only a scolding to make him run away for several days.

Still, I feel a surge of melancholy at the thought of him shouldering the weight of everything that's happened to him; all of it buried beneath his quiet, meek stoicism.

'I wish I knew what to do for him. I don't know what to say to help him through this. Would he even let me help?'

Rather than dwell on these uncomfortable uncertainties, I ask a question that's been nagging at me since Asuka's return. "So, I was meaning to ask Asuka this question, but...can you tell me what happened to make her leave school early? I mean...if you know, of course."

The brunette opens her mouth...then falters, looking rather uncertain and a bit fearful. She seems to be thinking something over very quickly and weighing the words within her mind.

"Well," she says at last, trying very hard and failing miserably at making eye contact, "Asuka...and I...", she darts a look at me before breaking contact again, "had a...disagreement."

"A...disagreement?" I repeat back, sounding as skeptical as I feel.

"Uh, yeah. I kept trying to get her to tell me what was wrong. And by the time we got to school, she'd had enough, and ran off. Then, I guess, she eventually came back here."

It takes considerable effort for me not to roll my eyes. 'I hope for her sake that she NEVER considers a career in politics. They'd eat her alive.'

Well, Asuka probably did have a confrontation with 'someone.' I doubt it was Ms. Horaki...but I have a pretty good idea who that 'someone' is...

The question is...what to do about it...

Part of me wants to give into the urge to storm into Asuka's room, demanding to know what she said to Shinji, and how she could bring herself to hurl even more abuse at him.

But then I remember the look in the young redhead's eyes after I'd reined in my anger and allowed myself to think more clearly about her actions and demeanor...about how, behind the belligerent defiance, there was a mixture of genuine terror and shame...especially when Kaji had revealed the truth of where Shinji had run off to. Something Kaji had said earlier this morning comes to mind...

'Shinji may have fallen victim to her behavior...but she is a victim of herself as well. I know it doesn't make what she said and did acceptable...but all the same, you can't let yourself be too angry to help her.'

According to him, he'd been furious with the girl even as he had let her cry on his shoulder. He had, after all, been the first to see Shinji after he'd nearly...god, I can hardly bring myself to think about it.

Still, despite his own anger, Kaji understood why she had done what she did, and managed to show her genuine compassion.

'You didn't see her after I retrieved Shinji from the rooftop. She was beside herself, Katsuragi.'

It's strange to even think about Asuka crying. She never, not even once, cried during the time I've known her. Yet according to Kaji, she was in tears when he'd confronted her...and she'd clearly been crying long before he'd arrived. It's hard to imagine, but then...having seen a glimpse of the real Asuka for the first time in years, maybe not...

Coming to a decision, I turn to face Ms. Horaki.

'I think for now, it's more important to get Asuka's new living situation taken care of. If I let Asuka go with her friend now, I can have her things shipped over later. Then I can pull Shinji out of school, and see for myself that he's alright. According to Ms. Horaki, Shinji was doing alright last she saw, and despite lying to protect Asuka, I doubt she was lying about Shinji's condition. Asuka, seems to genuinely regret everything that's happened...and not just because she could get in trouble. At this point, as long as Shinji is okay...that's all that matters.'

"Ms. Horaki?"

"Uh, yes?" She sounds jumpy and nervous.

"Thank you."

She tilts her head slightly.

"For talking to Shinji," I elaborate. "I'm sure you helped him feel better. And for being a good friend to Asuka."

She bows her head, looking rather ashamed. "I'm not sure I helped all that much. I tried too hard to get Shinji to open up a little more about what happened, and he eventually clammed up. I-I'm afraid I might have made things worse there. And...it took me hours to work up the courage to ask Mr. Nebukawa if I could leave and follow Asuka..."

Neither of those things surprise me really. I'm just grateful that she tried at all.

"It's okay Ms. Horaki," I respond gently. "The point is, you're here for Asuka now. And because you tried to reach out to him, I'm sure Shinji feels at least a little better, and at least knows that you care."

She looks unconvinced, but nods gratefully all the same.

For a moment, there's silence in the kitchen, and a general sense of discomfort. Only the faint murmur of voices from Asuka's room, and the distant collage of noise from the city outside fill the tense emptiness of the room.

"Well," I say at last, rising to my feet, all too eager to dispel the gloom filling the room like noxious fog, "I'll go fetch Asuka now, if you'd like to talk to her."

"Oh, okay then," the brunette replies, looking rather relieved. "But only if she wants to see me. If not, I can always come back some oth-"

But she's interrupted by approaching footsteps. Asuka and Kaji emerge from the living room, the former stopping dead at the sight of her best friend, the latter continuing forward to sit in a vacant chair at the table, looking rather grim. Given their behavior, I'm quite sure I know what they have been discussing.

"Hikari?" Asuka asks, sounding convincingly surprised, "What are you doing here?"

"Hi Asuka," her friend replies softly, "I was worried about you after you left, so I came to check on you."

"And you blew off school?" Asuka really does sound surprised this time, as well as slightly amused.

The girl blushes furiously. "I-I got p-permission to leave first," she stammers defensively.

Despite her evident weariness, the redhead actually manages to smile a little at that, her cold eyes momentarily softening with gratitude.

For the next three quarters of an hour, two girls sit next to each other on the couch, occasionally speaking, but only sporadically...with rather tense silences in between.

Then, a few minutes before noon, Ms. Horaki at last broaches the subject of Asuka moving in with her, apparently having discussed the idea earlier that day. Asuka averts her gaze, looking somewhat embarrassed. "Hikari, after what happened earlier...I can understand if you've changed your mind about-"

"No, no, it's alright," the brunette cuts across gently, "We would still love to have you."

"By we, I'm guessing you mean you and maybe Nozomi,". Asuka quipped wryly.

"Well, and dad too," Hikari added. "He usually trusts my judgement when it comes to my friends. And Kodama, well...she'll...come around someday."

Asuka snorts derisively, though voices no further objection. "Well, I guess I'd better pack an overnight bag at least. I'll need to be out of here before the id-...I mean...before Third gets back, I guess."

"I can help," says Hikari rising from her chair.

"No!" Asuka looks slightly embarrassed at her emphatic response, but quickly recovers. "No, it's...fine. I'll only be a moment."

"Asuka? Wha-"

"Just give me a minute, I'll be fine!"

Hikari opens her mouth to protest, then closes it, turning to look helplessly at me. I shrug my shoulders, equally unsure of the cause of Asuka's strange behavior.

Deciding to ignore it , I move forward to the next order of business. "We should probably get your family in the loop about this before we go moving Asuka in."

"Actually," Hikari replies with a small smile, "I already called my dad on the way here. He's fine with it. He said Nozomi's going to be overjoyed to have her favorite pilot living with her."

"Oh." I find myself slightly surprised and more than a little impressed, not to mention moved, considering that they had apparently argued the last time they saw each other. Evidently, the girl had ignored any resentment she felt in favor of wanting to help Asuka.

'Asuka,' I think to myself, 'don't you ever drop her as a friend.'

A short time later, Asuka emerges. I notice that her face has a peculiar blush, and her eyes are unusually shifty, as if she had just done something shameful and was waiting for someone to pounce on her for it. I catch her eye, raising a questioning eyebrow, and she quickly looks away, though she seems to steel herself and regain her composure as well.

Knowing that the Commander ought to be informed, I dial his office number. When no one answers, I try his business cell. When no one answers that either, I call Ritsuko, thinking she can pass on the message.

After a few rings...

"Dr. Akagi speaking."

"Hey Ritsuko! It's me, Misato."


	30. Repercussions & Reparations (pt11)

AN: I have been chomping at the bit to post this one!

It may be a short one...but I really think y'all are gonna like it :)

•12:40 PM

I have always enjoyed the sensation of water upon my skin. One of the few indulgences I have allowed myself since I came into being is the pastime of swimming; the feeling of gliding through the cool liquid, even as it presses and resists, trying to steer me astray. However, I exert my will against it, carving an effortless path.

Here, however, I find the experience of floating to be...disagreeable. I am immobile and must remain so; I have no control over the LCL in which I float. Normally, I am content with exerting no will of my own...but when submerged in water, something seems to fill my soul. Ironically, said feeling is not unlike fire...passion, I think others call it. I know not for certain...the definition of it is...inessential...

The faint, liquid-distorted sound of footsteps outside the tube disrupts my reverie. Opening my eyes, I see Dr. Ritsuko Agaki walking back into the room to stand next to the man who has been silently watching since the brain scan began.

"Commander," she says coming to a halt, "Major Katsuragi just called. She wants me to pass on a message to you."

The Commander does not turn to face her. "Relay it."

"Yes sir. There's been an incident between the Second and Third Children. The Major requests that the Second Child be moved out of her apartment and into the home of her school friend, Hikari Horaki."

A moment of silence.

"Request granted. Inform Katsuragi and have the appropriate paperwork on her desk immediately."

"Very well. She also requested that Asuka be allowed to stay with the Horakis while the process is being finalized."

"Also granted. You may go now." His voice is as cold as ever, and his eyes never once leave the tube in which I float.

"Yes sir." Dr. Akagi departs.

Commander Ikari's gaze does not waver, though he remains silent, leaving me room to ponder the curious exchange I just witnessed.

'An incident...? Between Sohryu and Ikari?' I wonder...

Their interactions have always struck me as...odd...confusing...

I frequently understand little of the interactions between the people around me, but...I've observed enough to understand what constitutes the general boundaries of 'normality' when interacting with others.

The interactions between my fellow pilots are not...'normal.' On the surface, one would say they are hostile. At least Sohryu towards Ikari. Ikari leans more towards resigned acceptance and fearful servility. And yet...they actively seek out one another's company, Sohryu in particular towards Ikari, despite acting in a manner that contradicts said behavior.

I wonder, what could this 'incident' have been? Has Sohryu attacked Ikari? That seems the most likely event. She does so fairly regularly, and yet it is never seen as noteworthy. For such an upheaval to have taken place, perhaps the damage is more severe than usual.

Has Ikari been injured by this 'incident'? The idea that he has been is...disagreeable.

My eyes narrow...

"Rei? Are you alright?" The voice of the Commander ruptures my line of thought and the beginnings of a...stirring...within me.

"Yes." I allow myself to drift back into peaceful oblivion.


	31. Repercussions & Reparations (pt12)

AN: And here's the next one!

Now we return to Shinji's point of view.

•12:44 PM

The heat of midday in this perpetual summer isn't as bad in October as it is the actual summer; but even now, the air is still a stifling, shimmering miasma. It doesn't help that my blood is boiling either, whether with anger or anxiety, I don't know. Either way, I ended up getting angry enough to yell at my entire class to leave me alone when they wouldn't shut up...

 _Earlier today..._

Out of the corner of my eye, I see two people approaching me; a tall boy wearing a tracksuit, and a skinny, bespectacled boy with unkempt dirty blond hair.

"Yo Shin-man!"

I look up. "Hey Toji. Hey Kensuke." I sound about as enthusiastic as I feel.

"We heard about what happened earlier," says Kensuke as he sits down in front of me. "What was that all about?"

"Ken, you idiot! Isn't it obvious?" Toji sits down to my left. "We've all seen it coming since the day she arrived here!"

"Seen what coming?" both me and Kensuke ask dubiously.

"Are you two dense?" Toji sighs theatrically, then grins at me with a 'knowing', lecherous smirk. "She just couldn't resist anymore, could she? The Red Demon just had to have 'her Shin-chan' right there in the middle of the hallway, didn't she?"

Kensuke slams a palm into his own face, luckily not hard enough to break his glasses. "And you call me dense?"

I feel my face heat up, but less with my usual embarrassment, and more with uncharacteristic annoyance.

"Hey man, Shinji knows what I'm talkin' about! Look, he's blushing!"

"Cut it out Toji," I say in ragged whisper.

But Toji either doesn't hear me, or chooses not to. "Come on Shin-man, you can tell us."

"From what I heard," pipes up Kensuke, "She just forgot to look where she was going and bumped into him."

"Aww, come on, really?!" exclaims Toji. "Everybody was saying she didn't get off from on top of him for at least a whole minute." He turns to me again, pervy grin back in place. "She was probably waiting for you to-"

"Toji, please just drop it!"

This time Toji hears me, and stops mid-sentence.

"Shin-man? What's wrong?" He lowers his voice, his tone surprisingly serious. "You know I was only kidding right?"

"You sounded pretty serious to me," Kensuke retorts dryly.

"Shut up Ken," Toji shoots back, "I'm being serious now." He turns back to me. "What really did happen with the Red Demon?"

"It was like Kensuke said; just an accident," I say tiredly, putting my head down into my folded arms, hoping they take the hint and leave me alone.

"Told ya," Kensuke says smugly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Toji grumbles back.

"Although..."

I raise my head to look at Kensuke, his pensive tone setting me on edge.

"There IS something weird about what some people were saying..."

Toji frowns. "Like what?"

Kensuke straightens his glasses, one lense partially opaqued by the glaring sun. "According to most people, Asuka just stood there after she got up...and didn't say a word."

He turns back to me, frowning thoughtfully. "That's not like her at all, is it Shinji? Normally, she'd be screaming at you even though it was her fault. Though some other people were saying that after the Class Rep showed up to disperse everyone, they heard Asuka screaming at HER."

"Wait, what?!" Toji looks flabbergasted...and for some reason, indignant. "I didn't hear about THAT!"

"Yeah," the other continues, "Most people can't agree on exactly what they heard, but she apparently said some nasty things about Shinji AND the Class Rep."

"Damn her!" Toji looks genuinely angry...though it begins to fade into worry almost immediately as he says, "So...maybe that's why the Class Rep left early..."

Kensuke nods, thankfully not taking the opportunity to needle his friend over the obvious concern for Hikari's wellbeing.

"I just don't get it," Toji is saying, "it seemed like the Class Rep was the one person the Red Bitch WASN'T pissed off with."

My brow creases at the sound of Toji calling Asuka a 'bitch'...why? I mean, I've always preferred he didn't call her that...but even after everything...?

I know Toji's not wrong to say it, and considering that she treats Toji even worse than me sometimes, he's earned the right. Still...

I shake my head, wishing my friends would drop this subject and leave it alone forever.

"-inji? Shinji?"

Someone is tapping me on the shoulder.

"Huh, what?" I look around to face Kensuke.

"I was just saying that some people said that you were still there after the Class Rep tried to disperse everyone," he repeats .

"So you probably heard and saw everything," Toji chimes in. "What happened? I mean, Sohryu's always been a mega bitch; but what'd she get mad at the Class Rep for?"

Again, I feel that stab of annoyance at Toji using that word. I almost open my mouth to tell him to stop...but then he'd just want to know why I was defending her. And that might lead to having to reveal other things...

Strange...

I actually opened up to Hikari of all people...but I don't feel comfortable telling my best friends about what happened...

"Shin-man? C'mon, don't leave us hanging here!"

"Yeah Shinji, you can tell us. It's not like Asuka's here to overhear you."

"Yeah Ikari, c'mon, spill!" Other people are starting to crowd around us.

A small group, most of them boys, closes in around the three of us, and begins bombarding me with question after question, not bothering to wait for a response.

"Was it just an accident?"

"She crashed into you and didn't tear you in half?! What gives, man?!"

"Did she attack you?"

"Alright people," says Toji, rising to his feet and looking annoyed. "Give the guy some space. He's just gonna clam up if you crowd him like this!"

But his words are pretty much ignored.

"What really happened out there? Nobody can agree on the details. You gotta help us out here!"

"Did she and the Class Rep really start fighting over you?!"

"Are you and Horaki a thing now?!"

"W-wait, what?!" squawks Toji, turning to face me again. "I...you...you and...Class Rep...? You're not..."

As he continues sputtering, a group of girls joins the crowd clustering around me.

"Wait?! Were you and Asuka an item or something?!"

"Come off it! You've seen how she treats him! No one is that stupid! Right Ikari?"

"Did you do something to piss her off?"

"Hah, like he'd have needed to!" one girl, Yūko Miyamura, scoffs loudly. "The Teutonic Princess gets pissed off whenever someone looks at her the wrong way."

She leans forward until she's almost at eye level, seemingly unaware of the view she's providing. I quickly start to turn away, my face rather warm.

But she smiles a little mischievously, and says, "You can look at me. I don't bite."

To his credit, and my gratitude, Kensuke, whose shoulder is mere millimeters from Miyamura's chest, ignores the sight that would usually have had him drooling indecently as he stands up and turns to face the growing crowd in front of me. "Seriously people, back off. He doesn't want to talk right now."

"Who asked you, freak?" sneers one of the boys.

"Yeah four eyes," snaps one of the girls accompanying Miyamura, "Just who do you think you're talking to?"

"No, no Kanae," says Miyamura, looking at her friend reproachfully as she straightens up. "Aida's right. Come on everyone, give him some space!"

To my disbelieving relief, most of the crowd immediately disperses. I turn back to look at Miyamura, feeling surprised and grateful. It must have shown on my face, because she smiles again, this time looking more friendly and genuine, as she returns to her seat.

Unfortunately, however, not everyone is inclined to listen to her.

"C'mon Ikari! At least tell us who you were messaging when class started!"

"Dude, it was totally Horaki! They were both typing away, and the Class Rep NEVER messages people when the teacher is talking!"

"Plus, they kept looking over at each other the whole time!"

My eyes widen. 'Oh damn!'

"What?!" Toji who had just started to restrain himself from bombarding me with questions suddenly stands up, looking at me accusingly. "So that's why she left early isn't it?!"

He slams his hands down on the desk, leaning over me, looking hurt as well as...envious? "You told the Class Rep everything, but you won't tell us anything?!"

"Toji, stop it!" Kensuke tries to calm his best friend, but the jock ignores him.

"What gives, Shin-man?!" His voice is rising a little with every word. "What giv-"

"EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!"

My fist slams into the desktop hard enough to jolt it back towards Toji despite the tall boy leaning on it.

Ignoring the throbbing mass of agony that is my right hand, I stand up, squaring my shoulders, hands clenching and unclenching rapidly, chest heaving, teeth bared in rage.

All the belligerence seems to leave Toji at once, as he takes a step back, looking deeply unnerved.

The room has become deadly quiet now.

I turn to face Kensuke, who also takes a step back, looking fearful and injured, and I feel the white hot rage begin to recede, replaced with shame and regret.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry, everyone," I say to the room at large, but looking directly at Kensuke. He at least tried to help...

"I-," I start to walk quickly towards the door. "I-I have to go."

And once out into the hallway, I nearly sprint my way out of the building, never looking back.

Back in the present...

While not walking slowly, I don't exactly rush either, not entirely keen on having to explain to Misato why I'm home so early.

Misato...

Kaji's probably told her by now...

I expect she'll probably ground me and maybe yell at me again. That's what she did the last time I did something stupid that could've killed me. But...I won't run away like I did then. A part of me wants to...but, then there's the obvious question; 'What would I run back to?' My old guardian, Suezo Hirayama?

The idea that I'd be happier living with the cold and sometimes unpleasant man had been depressing enough to make me think about the things that had made my stay in Tokyo-3 enjoyable...despite all the uncertainty and terror of having to be an Eva pilot if I did. That, and of course, discovering that I had made friends for the first time in my life...

I think back to my furious outburst in school, and feel a searing wave of guilt.

'They're my friends...they were just worried about me, and I blew them off...because I'm a coward...'

And yet...I had managed to tell the Class Rep, a girl with whom I've had little direct interaction, most of what had happened...

Why?

I think...I think was mostly because I was grateful...

She stood up to her best friend for me...

I don't know that I'd be brave enough to ever do that...especially if my best friend was someone like Asuka. And she seemed so worried...about Asuka, naturally...but also about...me...

Withholding the truth just started to feel childish, I guess...

That and maybe...maybe I figured she'd be more mature and helpful than Toji and Kensuke...

And because she's Asuka's friend, that she would understand her behavior better than I ever could...

Though...I ended up just getting annoyed when she suggested that Asuka may actually really like me deep down, but be too afraid of what others will think to express it.

'Maybe she's afraid of being hurt?' She had suggested.

What kind of nonsense is that?! Asuka afraid? Afraid of being hurt by me?! Yeah, right...

I mean, I get that she wants to defend her friend...but that just feels like she was grasping at straws to make excuses for Asuka.

Still, she was just trying to help...and I ended up blowing her off too...

I sigh, feeling disgusted with myself.

'They didn't have to worry about me. They could've just let me stew in my misery, and it wouldn't have cost them anything. But they cared enough to help...and I'm not even worth their time...I don't deserve that kind of concern...and still, they tried to help...and I threw it all back in their faces..'

 _Because that's just what you do..._

The voice in my head is seething with venom...

 _Other people take the time to do kind things for you... and you, because you're a selfish, whiny brat, still want more, more, more..._

I clench my eyes shut, somehow thinking that will block it out.

 _You can't block me out...because you know I'm right...shall we count the ways?_

 _Mr. Hirayama...he took you in after father left...and what did you do for the next few days? You cried and whined and refused to eat or listen to him...you just kept bleating 'where's Daddy?', 'I want my Daddy!', 'I wanna go home!', 'why did he leave me here?', 'I don't understand...what did I do?!', 'I hate you!', 'you're not my Dad!'...he ended up having to hit you that one time because you kept mouthing off and acting like a spoiled, ungrateful little brat. He took you in...even though you were so worthless that our own Father abandoned you, and you still had the nerve to feel resentful when he punished you for acting out...even when you know you deserved what you got and more..._

I feel the right side of my face tingling unpleasantly, and a wave of terror and shame as I remember...

 _And how about Misato? The first thoughts in your mind when you entered her apartment weren't gratitude for her generosity...it was judgement...judgement and disdain for her lack of cleanliness...all you could think of was how 'disgusting this woman was'...wanna know what's even more disgusting? A stupid kid like you, thinking lustfully about a woman more than twice his age while in the bathroom or lying in bed...and after she gave so much of herself and what she had, just because she thought she saw someone worth reaching out to..._

I wish I could shrivel up and just disappear...

 _And how could we forget..._

'No...stop it!'

 _Asuka..._

'Please...'

 _She pays you one compliment on your cello playing...just one...which is one more than you even deserve..._

 _Then suddenly, you get it into your head that if she hears more of your music that she'll start swooning over you. What a joke!_

 _And then later..._

'Go away!'

 _She kissed you...you could have just accepted your good fortune and then you both could have gone on with your lives. Instead...you somehow get it into your head that she might like you enough to stoop down to your level. You have the audacity to ask her why she broke away and screamed that she hated you...ANYONE who gets so much as a glimpse of the real you would hate you! And yet you still had the gall to ask why...to feel like you should have gotten more!_

I clutch at my head, almost trying to squeeze it. 'Please! Just go away! I don't want to hear this anymore!' I don't even notice the odd looks I'm receiving.

 _And what do you give in return for everything you get? That pitiful slop you call cooking? You're probably lucky anyone can choke that garbage down. Doing the laundry? As if that weren't just a daily necessity? Cleaning the a apartment? Just a manifestation of your prudishness, because you're too selfish to let people live the way they might want to if it clashes with your sense of 'propriety'._

 _And...'propriety'...what a joke coming from you...after all, you tried to kiss Asuka...while she was sleeping! Who even does that?! And what's next? Gonna 'graduate' to standing over her bed while she's asleep and jerking yourself off?_

If I had any significant amount of food in my stomach, I'd be vomiting right now at the mental image that last thought just summoned...

 _And speaking of jerking off...there's a less than chivalrous reason you pretty much took over ALL the laundry...isn't there? After all, there's no way you'd want Asuka or Misato to ever see that underwear of yours. Then they'd know how much of a pervert you REALLY are!_

My face is buried in my hands.

 _You disgust me...I wish you HAD taken that dive...just so that I wouldn't have to be YOU anymore!_

"I hate you."

 _Yeah, you do. And the feeling is mutual._

By this time, I've stopped walking. I press my back to the wall of an old abandoned building, sliding down to the ground. For a long time, it seems, I sit with my head pressed into my knees, hugging them closer.

I don't know how much time passes before I start walking again. Two people had come up to ask if I was 'okay'. I guess I must have given some kind of answer since they didn't press the issue.

Soon I find myself standing before the door of the place I now call home. All because Misato took me in...

As the door opens, I decide not to call out the usual greeting...I'm not sure that I want to face her right now...

Though, as I hear the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps, I acknowledge that I have little choice in the matter.

"Shinji?"


	32. Repercussions & Reparations (pt13)

AN: Alrighty, last update for this week!

Here's Misato in her 5th POV for this chapter (with two more to go after this!).

•12:51 PM

My cell phone rings twice before I press the button to accept the call. Placing the receiver to my ear, I hear Ritsuko's voice on the other end.

"Hi Ritsuko. So what's the verdict?"

"The Commander has granted your requests," she replies. "You can send her over to the Horaki's as soon as you're ready."

I breathe a sigh of relief. I didn't think the Commander would really mind the change, given how little interest he takes in the personal lives of his subordinates; but all the same, it's good to know that Asuka and Shinji can be separated and still both reside with people they are familiar with.

"So Misato," Ritsuko is saying, her voice indicating a playful smirk, "Just what did those two get into that's so bad they need to be separated? Did you catch them making the beast with two backs or something?"

"I can't really get into an explanation right now." My tone is serious.

I can almost see the irritating smirk vanish from Dr. Akagi's face on the other end. "That bad huh?"

"Kind of, yeah. That, and I need to call Shinji's teacher. I want to pull him out of class before his lunch period ends."

"Ah, I see. Well then, I'd better go. Good luck. Hope everyone's alright."

"Thanks Ritsy. Bye."

And I end the call, turning to nod at Kaji, Asuka, and Hikari. "Alright, you're all clear."

Hikari nods and leads the way out the door, Kaji following behind carrying Asuka's bags.

Before exiting however, he pauses, turning to give me a look over his shoulder. "So Katsuragi," he asks in an almost too jovial tone, "Are we still on for later?"

I remain silent for a moment. I almost hate myself for feeling so much indecision about this. I know what I want to answer...and I feel disgusted with myself for it.

I know I should want to be there for Shinji. I don't know how to help...but it's what I should want...

I should want that more than the answers to the questions I've had since the Second Impact. And I don't...

"I'll let you know later."

Kaji nods, turning to face the door. "Alright then. Keep in touch." Then he pauses once more. "If I don't see you later...I'll understand."

"Right."

And he follows Ms. Horaki outside, leaving me alone with Asuka.

The redheaded girl stands near the table, silently staring at the door through which her best friend and her crush have exited. Then she turns around, once more looking wistfully at the stove, just as she did earlier. It really is bittersweet to know that she's already missing him...

But, what's done is done; and sometimes, there are situations where nobody can win...where no one can really be happy...only a little less miserable.

At last, Asuka turns to face me, shaking me out of my musings on the unfairness of life.

"So..." she begins, pausing for a long moment before continuing, "You and Kaji, huh?"

My old defense rises nearly automatically. "It-I-Its not l-like that! I mean, uh, sure, Kaji and I are reconnecting a bit after all the time we've been apart, but th-that's really all it is. Just two friends..."

I trail off as Asuka turns away, a knowing smirk curling her lip. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say Misato."

She starts to walk away, but like Kaji, she pauses just before exiting. "Look..." She bows her head slightly. "Whatever it is you two have, just...promise me something."

"Hmm?" This should be interesting.

"If you really want him, then stop running from yourself." Asuka's shoulders droop a little further...almost as if the irony of her own words is not lost on her. Nevertheless, she continues speaking. "And," her tone sharpens noticeably for a moment, "Would it kill you to be a little nicer to him?"

And with that, Asuka walks out the door of the place she no longer calls home.

The silence that follows the shutting of the door is one of confusing mixtures of emotions...I don't know whether to scream with frustration or just press my hand into my forehead with a sigh and a wry chuckle. So I settle for something in the middle...

"Fucking hypocrite," I mutter in the direction of the door, but without much actual ill feeling.

So, Asuka's given me her 'blessing' to be with Kaji, huh? Well, if I wasn't sure earlier that Asuka was lying about the whole 'pretending Shinji was Kaji' thing...I guess now it's pretty obvious what the truth is...

"If you'd just have followed your own advice earlier, kiddo..."

But, with a doleful sigh, I remind myself that this is no time to grieve over what cannot be changed.

Looking at the time, I see that it is now 12:56 PM. If I want to pull Shinji out of school before the start of his next class, I'd better call now.

Picking up the house phone, I dial the number, first speaking with the main office secretary, who then puts me on hold, presumably so that she can get someone to summon Shinji to the office over the intercom.

Five minutes pass...

'You know,' I think to myself, seething with impatience, 'You could just let me know that you've made the announcement. Then at least I'd have some idea of how long I'm going to be stuck on hol-'

"Ms. Katsuragi?" The voice that cuts across my inner diatribe sounds ominously nervous. "Mr. Ikari is, uh...not here."

My stomach turns over. "Not...there?" I try to stay calm, but my lips are so numb, it's hard to tell if I'm succeeding. "What do you mean, 'he's not there'?"

"Well..." the young woman sounds more nervous than ever. "One of his classmates, a Ms. Yūko Miyamura, came down to the office in response to the summons we put over the intercom, and told us what happened. Apparently, Mr. Ikari was involved in an incident earlier today with the other Eva pilot, Ms. Sohryu, as well as their Class Representative, Ms. Hikari Horaki. His classmates were bombarding him with questions about said incident and eventually, the strain led to him storming out of the room about forty minutes ago."

"Forty...minutes...?" My anger is rising fully in tandem with my terror now. "Forty...minutes...? And...I'm just hearing about it...now?!"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry. No one reported it until just now-"

"I'm not blaming you!" I cut her off a lot more sharply than I meant to.

No, my current ire is partially directed at that ancient windbag Nebukawa, who apparently did not see fit to report the truancy of one of his students. But even stronger than my anger at the reliably useless sensei, is the livid fury I feel towards Section Two right now.

'They should have immediately reported something like this!'

So help me...if I find out which of those overdressed thugs was supposed to be on the Eva Pilots' school detail...

I'm about to dial the Section Two chief, when my phone starts to ring. Opening it quickly, I practically shout into the mouthpiece "What?! What is it?!"

"Ma'am this is Section Two reporting in. The Third Child has been seen heading back to your apartment. It would appear he left school early. He seems rather distressed."

I put my hand over the receiver as I breath a huge sigh of relief. 'Thank god he's alright!'

Then my mind hardens as I remember my anger from a moment ago. "Why was I not immediately informed when he left his school?!"

"Ma'am, that's not my sector, and no report was relayed to me."

"Well then, who WAS working that sector?" My voice does not soften one bit. "I want their names!" My eyes narrow. 'And their asses hung out to dry.'

"I'll get back to you on that, Major Katsuragi."

"See that you do," I reply curtly, hoping that the implied 'or else', is getting through to him.

"Yes ma'am. Anyway, the Third Child is about two blocks from your building. He should be there within a few minutes."

"Very well. Now find out those names for me."

"Yes ma'am. Ieyoshi out."

I end the call, and walk to the living room, flopping down onto the couch. 'God, I should've grabbed a beer first.' Yet I can't quite bring myself to get up and walk back to the kitchen; weighed down by the fatigue and stress of dealing with this rotten day...and by the knowledge that there's a great deal more to NERV and SEELE beneath the surface.

Kaji has revealed a great many things to me today. Nearly all of the many secrets he had uncovered could get him killed just for knowing each single one individually...and now that he's passed on that knowledge to me...

But, truthfully, I don't mind the risk half as much as the idea of being used by the organizations that may well have set up my father, and three billion other humans, to die on September 13, 2000.

Of course, my other goal, wiping out the Angels for their role in the world's devastation, would require me to work with them anyway. But who's to say I can't turn my back on them when it's all over? I'll probably die...but if NERV and SEELE are really responsible for as much as I'm beginning to suspect they are...then I'd rather die than work with them a moment longer than it takes to destroy the Angels, and ensure the world has a future free from destruction by murderous eldritch abominations.

Amongst Kaji's revelations, was the fact that Commander Ikari had been present in Antarctica around the time of Second Impact...until September 12, the day before...

Coincidence? Maybe...

Gendo Ikari is an incredibly cold and ruthless man...but even I have a hard time believing that he might've had prior knowledge of the humanity's greatest catastrophe...and did nothing but depart Ground Zero, leaving everyone to die.

Surely a man whose purpose seems to be leading humanity's last hope against the Angels wouldn't have sentenced half the world to death for any conceivable reason...

But then, I see the way he treats his own son...with just as much icy, and even contemptuous, neglect as everyone else who has to work under him...though he seems strangely, some would even say 'indecently', fond of Rei Ayanami...

Aside from the dubious nature of our own Commander, there is also the shadowy nature of the organization that controls us...SEELE...

The growing evidence that we, NERV, are somehow at odds with our own parent organization is troubling enough...but Kaji has also heard rumors of secret pages to the Dead Sea Scrolls that were never released to the public.

He has so far been unable to confirm their existence, let alone exactly what is written on them. But from what he's heard, the pages fortold the Second Impact, and have detailed descriptions of each of the Angels...and a general description of how they will be defeated.

SEELE alone hold these pages, and know the secrets within them...if indeed they are real. And if they are real, then why doesn't NERV have access to the contents?

And then there's the Marduk Institute...Kaji has most recently been investigating them. 107 of the corporations affiliated with the Marduk Institute have turned out to be dummy corporations, as Kaji's recent expedition to Kyoto revealed.

What does all of this mean?

And then, there's Kaji's next mission...investigating Terminal Dogma.

I was told when I first arrived here that Terminal Dogma had the highest level of 'Classified' status...to the point that only Commander Ikari, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki, and Ritsuko have entered it and know of its contents.

I tried, mostly playfully, to wheedle answers out of Ritsuko...to no avail.

But Kaji's digging at last revealed a general layout of the place. He discovered an enormous chamber at the deepest level of the base, protected by a huge set of doors large enough to accommodate an Evangelion...or an Angel.

'Kaji believes that within this chamber, lies the regenerated body of Adam. If that be the case-'

My musings are interrupted by the sound of the front door sliding open.

'Could it be-'

I immediately rise to my feet, half running towards the kitchen, where I can hear light footsteps approaching. And turning left, I see who it is.

"Shinji?"

The boy stops dead in his tracks, looking up to see me standing a short distance away, his expression a mixture of sadness and apprehension.

"M-M-Misato," he stammers, bowing his head and looking away, not noticing that I've begun to walk towards him. "I-I can explain why I left sch-"

He abruptly cuts off with a squeak of surprise. For before he could even turn around to see me standing right in front of him, I had pulled him into a gently tightening hug.

There's so much I want to say to him...so much that he needs to know...and I don't know how to say any of it...

So...I can only hope that...this...says all the things I can't put into words.

For a long time, I stand there quietly holding the boy close to me, unsure of what else to do or say...but not wanting to let go...

Then...

"Misato...I-I'm sorry..."

It almost comes out as a whisper. In my surprise, I almost do let go.

"Sorry?"

"Y-you needed my help last night," he says in a small voice brimming with shame. "Kaji told me I just ran past both of you when I ran up to-"

He stops himself. "When I ran away last night." I feel his shoulders slump. "And seeing how sick you were this morning, it must have been really bad. And I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to even notice you were there. I-I'm sorry."

'Even after everything that's happened last night and today', I think to myself, feeling an affectionate and rather watery smile creasing my lips, 'he's still the same old Shinji.'

"Misato?"

"Hmm?" I reply, still not letting go.

"Y-you're not...you're not...m-mad at me?"

I breathe a little sigh, before answering, "Honestly, I AM kinda mad at you...but not for the reason you might think."

I pull back for a moment, my hands still resting on Shinji's shoulders, to look him in the eye.

"Kaji told me everything this morning." I give him an intense look. "Everything."

Shinji seems to wilt before my very eyes, looking down at floor as though wishing to disappear into it. "He...he did, huh?"

I nod. "I was worried sick about you today after hearing what happened. And about a half hour ago, I called your school to have you sent home for the day. And when I did, they told me that you had already run off."

I try to sound reproachful, I really do...but I can't stop smiling. "But you're here now...and I'm...kinda too relieved to stay angry."

"But..." I do manage to harden my expression and my voice for just a moment. "Don't you EVER even THINK about doing something that stupid AGAIN!"

Shinji has the grace to look chastened..."I'm sorry"...before he allows himself a small smile in return..."Misato."

I can tell that, for once, he hasn't said it on reflex...that he means it...

Knowing that I've gotten thorough to him, that I've made my point, I put my arms around him again.

"Baka," I whisper, but without a shred of heat.

Then, to my surprise, Shinji raises his arms...and wraps them around me, reciprocating the embrace. And for several more long minutes, we stay that way, neither of us saying a word...

Eventually, Shinji pulls away, and I do the same.

"Shinji..." I don't like doing this, but I know I have to. "It's not easy for me to ask this of you, but..." I sigh heavily before continuing, "I need you to tell me what happened."

He nods compliently, though reluctantly so. "Okay."

"I've heard most of the details," I say consolingly, "but it's important that I hear your side of everything too."

He tries to smile, I guess to make me feel less guilty. But somehow the smile only makes him look more sad and weary than ever. "I understand. And maybe..." he pauses, his tired smile becoming a little more genuine, "Maybe talking to you about it will help..."

Feeling a little heartened by that, I turn and lead him back into the living room, having had just about enough of sitting at my kitchen table for one day.


	33. Repercussions & Reparations (pt14)

AN: So...I have a confession to make...

I am lying liar that lies.

Not only will there be MORE updates after this one...I've decided just to bulldoze through the rest of Chapter 6 by the 15th.

The reason? The majority of what I've written for this fic takes place on that wretched, blasted single day (Thursday, October 15, 2015)...and I need a goddamn reason not to HATE that fucking date anymore! Lol

More seriously though, I really...really...REALLY...REALLY!...REALLY!...want to start posting Chapter 7 on Sufficient Velocity (and here of course!). But to do that, I need to get the version on this site caught up to the one on SV.

Here's the first of the six segments I'll be posting today.

This is a short one of Shinji having a nice talk with Misato.

P.S. To all you writers who might be updating around this time as...I'm really REALLY sorry in advance. Once I'm caught up to the SV version and both are updating simultaneously, I promise that my updates will slow back down to their normal rates.

•1:50 PM

"After Asuka said all those things, I just..." I swallow, trying to steel myself against the burning ache of having mentally relived her vicious tirade all over again...and the shame of how I'd chosen to cope with it. "I j-just n-needed to get away...to run away...to where I c-could think...and maybe...m-maybe try to understand what had happened."

I bow my head, unable to face Misato as I go on, "I just walked to the edge of the roof to lean against the ledge. Then..." I try my hardest to simply vanish into thin air where I sit. "Then I looked down at the ground and thought...and th-thought..."

For a moment, I completely stall, unable to acknowledge what happened next, knowing how ashamed Misato must be of my cowardly and selfish action.

Then a hand comes to rest gently on my shoulder. I look up to see Misato smiling softly down at me, as if she knows...

"Take your time Shinji. There's no rush."

With a shaky nod, I brace myself again, swallowing the disgust at myself. "I just...I started thinking about how easy it would be...how quickly it would be over...and how I'd never have to feel anything again...no pain...no humiliation...no guilt...no anything..."

I look away from her, as I continue on, "But then I thought about how it might make everyone feel. I thought...or maybe I just hoped...that some people would...that some people wouldn't want to see me...do that to myself."

"I thought..." I feel intense heat creeping its way up my neck at the words I'm struggling to articulate. "I th-thought it might hurt you the most out of everyone. I m-mean..."

Cringing at how presumptuous I sound even to myself, I nevertheless try to finish my thought, wanting Misato to know that she was part of the reason I chose not to end it all on that rooftop. "...I mean...i-it's just...no one...no one has ever..."

'Come on, quit choking on your words and just say it! You owe her that much at least!'

Taking a deep breath, I plow forward, talking unusually fast. "No one has ever cared about me like you have. I mean, maybe my mother did...but I barely remember her. I can't even remember her face now. But...you're the first person in ten years who's actually reached out to me and showed me any real care that didn't feel like it was obligated somehow."

I close my eyes tightly, not wanting to see the disapproving scorn I fear she must be feeling at my wild assumptions.

"I don't know why...I don't deserve it...and you'd be better off without me...but...even though I don't really care if I live or die sometimes...I didn't want to do it if it would mean hurting you..."

I almost add that the other reason I decided to climb down from the ledge was to avoid giving Asuka the satisfaction of having destroyed me; that a part of me wanted to continue living just to spite my fellow Evangelion pilot, and show her that I was stronger than the weak, pathetic loser she thinks I am.

But I decide that it's not necessary for Misato to know that. Honestly, if I really think about it, once I thought there was even a small chance that jumping to my death would hurt the one person who seemed to care about me most...I couldn't go through with it.

Even now, though, I find it hard to believe anyone could care that much about me...that someone could see me as more than an Eva Pilot...a tool to be used and eventually discarded...a necessary burden to be borne and tolerated for a greater good...

Maybe...a part of me wanted to live out of a vague and distant hope that someone might actually...miss me if were gone...

I don't believe in life after death, so...I'd never know if I ended it all right there...

At least if I stayed alive, I could at least go on hoping...and maybe even start to fool myself...that someone would have mourned me if I'd died.

I hear a small intake of breath. Then a hand slightly larger than mine gently grips my right, and I turn back to look at my guardian, only to see her looking away from me.

Wondering what she could be looking at, I try to follow her gaze, but see nothing interesting or noteworthy.

"M-Misato?"

She starts slightly, though does not turn around. "Yeah?" Her voice sounds curiously thick and shaky.

"Are you okay?" I ask timidly.

"Uh huh." I hear her sniffle lightly.

For a moment, we both fall into silence, broken only by a tiny gulping sound from Misato.

"Shinji?"

"Y-yes Misato?"

"Thank you."


	34. Repercussions & Reparations (pt15)

AN: And now we switch back to Ms. Rei :)

•5:22 PM

Even though by now, the sun has set and the orange glow to the west is receding into the deep blue of civil twilight, the swelter of the eternal summer remains.

I suppose another would find such a clear and colorful sky, such as the one above, to be beautiful...but my mind is beyond such trivial distractions.

After leaving the LCL filled tube, having spent hours in the confined space, I decided to go swimming...to feel free again, if only for a moment. But, during my time in the blessed coolness of the water, my mind was not free...

I was...troubled. I don't...understand why but...Dr. Akagi's proclamation to Commander Ikari about the the strife between the Pilots Ikari and Sohryu coming to a head...to the point where they will no longer share accommodations...I find it vexing.

Normally, I would not allow something to trouble me so...but I found myself unable to swim peacefully. Thoughts of the Second Child's wanton cruelty towards the Third kept my mind from achieving the nebulous calm the feel of water usually instills in me.

What is it she has done to upset the tense yet seemingly unbreakable status quo between them? And...how is Ikari faring in this parting of the ways?

Ikari...

Memories begin to race across my mind...

...Arms gently cradle my broken, bleeding body as the pain causes me to cry out in gasping whimpers. Above me, I hear a terrified...yet also determined voice say, "I'll do it! I'll pilot it!"...

...In my apartment, a brown-haired boy stutters nervously as I proceede to dress myself as if he weren't there...

...A distant, muffled voice frantically shouts my name, followed by the hatch door of Unit 00's entry plug opening. The voice becomes louder...and in bursts Ikari...

..."Don't ever say that! Just don't say that you have nothing else. Just don't say that! And don't say goodbye when you leave on a mission...it's just too sad"...

...The brown-haired boy is crying. Confused, I ask why. When no answer is forthcoming, I find myself apologizing for not knowing how to react in such a situation...feeling it was the only thing I could say. Then...

..."Why don't you just try smiling?"...

In that moment, his smile had reminded me of another's...a man much older than the boy in front of me, yet suddenly not so different. And yet...one had a reason...a motive to show kindness. The other...had none...no motive or agenda. I had even once slapped that same face that smiled at me...and yet still...

For the first time, I found myself able to smile at someone other than the man who had given me everything...

And now, that same boy who reached out to me, despite having no practical reason to do so, has been at the forefront of my thoughts since I overheard that brief yet informative conversation between Dr. Akagi and the Commander.

The unrest in me that this has caused, has led me to this...

I stand before a plain, white concrete apartment block. Before entering, I recall the one time I was here previously...a few days before the Seventh Angel, Israfel, was to be fought a second time, and unlike the first unsuccessful attempt on September 4, ultimately defeated.

I had watched Ikari and Sohryu struggle time and again to try and master the synchronization training...only to fail, prompting the irrational ire of the latter towards the former.

It struck me as illogical that she should act in such a way, given that the consistent failures were her own fault, as she refused to slow her pace to match Ikari's. Odder still, was Ikari's seeming determination to see it through no matter the cost.

He had seemed reluctant to engage in painful and dangerous scenarios before...yet this time, had seemed not to hesitate even for a moment, despite clear evidence of Sohryu's continuous abuse in the form of hand and foot shaped bruises.

I found myself...curiously disturbed...even then, though I chose not to act.

And now, that something evidently worse has taken place...I wonder in what condition will I find the younger Ikari now...

Having reached the door at last, I ring the intercom bell only once...having been told the last time I was here, that despite how sensible and logical it may seem to be, pressing the doorbell repeatedly until someone answers the door is viewed as rude and inconsiderate.


	35. Repercussions & Reparations (pt16)

AN: Okay, this is the last one for tonight (I promise!). And it's Shinji's first interaction with Rei in this story :)

•5:34 PM

The doorbell rings.

"I'll get-"

But Misato cuts across, "Don't be silly, I'll get it! Just focus on dinner okay."

Running past me she adds, "You really didn't have to cook tonight, you know. I'dve given you the night off."

"I know. It's fine though." I smile a little to myself. And add softly, "It's...relaxing...actually."

The door slides open, and I hear Misato audibly start with surprise.

"Rei?"

Unlike Misato's offer to let me off of cooking...THAT stops me dead.

Rei?!

Rei, is...here?!

For a wild moment, I almost think for a moment that Misato is teasing again...

Until I hear two sets of approaching footsteps...

And sure enough, into the kitchen, ahead of Misato, walks a pale, blue-haired girl with red eyes...and, as ever, a strange, ethereal presence.

Rei Ayanami...

"Uh, hi Rei. I, um...wasn't expecting you."

Ugh, I could kick myself for my lack of tact.

"Ikari," she responds in her soft, quiet voice. She walks closer, looking at me intently, as if appraising me.

After a moment, she looks at me curiously. "You are...not injured?" It is only now that I notice that when she first addressed me, she did so in a voice far softer than was typical even for her.

"I-injured? W-why would I be injured?"

She tilts her head, looking somewhat confused. "I had heard Dr. Akagi relaying a message from Major Katsuragi to Commander Ikari. She stated that there had been an incident between the Second Child and yourself. Said incident was serious enough that Major Katsuragi was requesting new living arrangements for Pilot Sohryu."

Is it just me...or did Rei's eyes just narrow a fraction?

"Given the Second Child's predilection for violence, I reasoned that for her to be banished from sharing a residence with you, she must have caused you grievous injury."

Rei's eyes look me over once more. "Yet to me...you seem unhurt. I do not understand."

I...don't know what to even think right now...let alone say.

Aside from the simple shock of hearing Rei utter so many words all at once...I'm also caught between wanting to thank her for...apparently...coming to check on me...

Wanting to ask just how much she had overheard...

And, even though I'm too ashamed...and too afraid of the answer...to ask how my father had reacted to hearing about...what happened...

And also how she knew that Asuka was leav-

Wait a minute...

Asuka's really moving out?!

Misato never mentioned-

But then...I had already told Kaji that I didn't want to live with her anymore...

I guess he must have told Misato that when he told her everything else...and he had agreed with me that it was for the best...

But...I don't think I really...expected it would actually happen in the end...

Why...do I feel...bad?

I shouldn't! She deserves this! And I meant it when I said I didn't want to live with her anymore...

Why can't I feel good about it?

"Ikari?"

Rei's voice shakes me from these troubling thoughts.

"Oh, uh...I'm sorry Rei. I just...um...I'm surprised t-to see you here."

Rei's red irises flick downward to look at the floor. She's silent for a moment...then...

"Is my presence here...unwelcome?"

Mortified, I hurriedly reply, "N-no! O-of course not! I-it's not like that...I just...wasn't expecting you is all..."

One would need to have known Rei for a least several months to notice how she relaxed at my response.

"I see."

A moment of silence passes, then Rei asks, "You are...not hurt then?"

I'm...not sure how to answer that...

I know what Rei means...but...

I'd give anything to be hurting that way instead of-

Oh god...

'It feels like dying...while knowing that you won't...'

And wishing that you could...

"I'm...okay," I respond with a smile. "I'll be alright."

"You are...certain, Ikari?"

'It's...not like Rei to question someone's response to her question.'

I frown a little at that thought. 'I'm not sure I've ever really heard her sound...doubtful...about...anything...'

"Y-yes. I'm sure."

"I see." And Rei's expression softens subtly...yet still noticeably. "I am relieved to know that you are not injured."

"Uh, th-thanks Rei."

The ghost of a smile seems to flicker across Rei's lips. "I shall go then." And she turns to leave.

"Oh..." I'm a bit taken aback by her abrupt departure...and a little saddened. Odd as her sudden appearance was...I now realize just how much better I feel because of it. But...how do I convey that?

Thankfully...Misato comes to my rescue.

"Hold on Rei! You don't have to leave just yet," she calls out to the girl, who obediently stops in her tracks. "You can stay for dinner if you like..."

The older woman turns to face me with a look that is both pointed and at the same time inquiring. "Right, Shinji?"

Understanding that Misato has both thrown the ball into my court...and put me on the spot, I take a moment to grapple with the question...before realizing my idiocy at even bothering to ponder the question.

"Of course Rei," I nod, smiling. "It'd be nice to have you with us."

This time...Rei actually does smile. "Very well."

Half an hour and the preparation of some vegan udon later, we are all seated around the kitchen table, eating in...mostly comfortable silence...only broken by Misato's token compliments of the modest meal, and my inquiry to Rei about the quality of her food.

Her response was a simple, "It is good."

I nod, unsure of what else to say.

Misato, who seems to have some kind of allergy to awkward silences, is the next to attempt breaking the ice. "So, Rei, you don't live all that nearby, right? Did it take you long to get here?"

Rei remains silent for a moment, frowning thoughtfully. Then, she replies, "I made rather good time if that is what you mean. After Dr. Akagi passed on your message to Commander Ik-"

As Rei continues to speak, I notice Misato suddenly looking pensive...as if she's just thought of something...something disquieting...

"-ari, I went swimming. But I found myself unable to enjoy the experience while unsure of Pilot Ikari's wellbeing; so I went to the NERV infirmary to see if Pilot Ikari had been admitted. When I was informed that he was not there, I decided to check three other locations; Hakone Memorial Hospital, Tokyo 3 General Hospital, and if he was not in either of those, your apartment."

Both me and Misato gape at her in unison.

Misato recovers first. "Rei, you really went all the way to-", she pauses, looking bemused. "My god...you didn't walk the whole way did you?"

"No. I took the public transportation where I deemed that walking would be the slower action."

I find my voice at last. "How long..." I whisper feeling a mixture of guilt and gratitude, "H-how long did it take you to...um...find me?"

Rei turns to face me, frowning thoughtfully. After a moment, she replies, "I began my search at approximately 1420."

"Three hours?!" Misato and I cry in unison.

"Yes," Rei responds matter-of-factly, looking slightly puzzled at our reactions. "Have I...done something wrong?"

"Wha-uh...n-no, not at all Rei," I stutter hastily. "It's just...I'm surprised you went to..."

I look away, feeling my face turn red. "...so much trouble...just because you were worried about me. I'm sorry."

"Do not apologize. It was my decision to seek you out, not yours." My eyes widen at her unusually decisive words and tone. "I do not regret it."

"Oh...right, I'm sor-...uh...I mean, uh..."

Deciding to say something a little more constructive than 'I'm sorry', I instead choose the ones that I could not possibly say enough right now...

"Thank you Rei."


	36. Repercussions & Reparations (pt17)

AN: Alrighty then. Two more after this one tonight, and that will end Chapter 6 :)

Once again, the lovely Ms. Misato has the floor.

•7:12 PM

The two occupants of the backseat are silent as we drive through the nightlit streets of Tokyo 3, towards the western outskirts of the metropolis...the former low rent district.

Construction on the sector had begun in 2004, two years after the initial construction of Tokyo 3 had begun. Endless rows of huge, though otherwise spartan, apartment blocks had rapidly sprung up as the population of Tokyo 3 had swelled.

However, this portion of the urban sprawl had descended into crime ridden desolation just as quickly as it had been constructed.

Overcrowded and dilapidated, the apartment blocks had begun to fall into disrepair as early as 2010 when adequate funding, much of which had been spent on hasty expansion rather than civil services, had run out.

Then, on June 10 of this year, the Third Angel, named Sachiel, had attacked Tokyo 3. Although it was defeated by the day's end, many people in the city, understandably fearing for their lives, had chosen to leave after that, including many of those who lived in the western district. Still, there were some hopeful hangers on that decided to stay...not least because of how sharply the rent costs had dropped.

And then, a short while later, came the final straw for most people...on the afternoon of June 22, the Fourth Angel, Shamshel, attacked the city.

Since then, the majority of the hangers on not affiliated with NERV are those who live in the heavily fortified heart of the city...those whose homes and/or businesses are among the lucky few that can retract into the Geofront below.

But the outskirts of the city had become a virtual ghost town...including the western side.

Starting in mid-June, large swaths of the apartment blocks, starting with those that were furthest from the center of the city, were dismantled.

Rei's building, however, is near the edge of it's district, and if it is demolished, it will likely be among the last to be so. But for now, here it stands; dilapidated, grimy, and by the look of it, probably unoccupied...except for her.

It is a dreary sight to behold.

'She's the one he favors...,' I think to myself, 'and she lives HERE?!'

I turn to the girl. "Rei? You're sure this is right?"

Rei turns to face me, looking confused. "Yes. This is correct. Why do you ask?"

"It's just..." I don't quite know how to word my concerns.

"Yes?"

"Uh, it's nothing."

For the first time since leaving the apartment, Shinji speaks up, "Why do you live in a place like this Rei?"

"It is where the Commander assigned me to live."

"But why...somewhere like THIS?" Shinji presses.

"Like what?"

Now Shinji seems lost for words, and I'm feeling more unnerved than ever.

And more than a little guilty...I had vaguely known Rei's address number, but never really bothered to think about the location it indicated.

"Doesn't living in a place like this bother you?" I chime in. "I mean...this isn't somewhere for a young girl to live alone. It could be dangerous."

It was true that most of the occupants had left the city, and many of them took the formerly abundant crime rate with them...but there were known to be a number of 'unofficial' residents in this and other abandoned parts of the city.

Most of them were relatively harmless, just trying to scrape by...but there were some that were known to be extremely dangerous; fugitives, criminal gangs, and at least one serial killer had been arrested while squatting out in the 'badlands' of the city.

Rei, however, looks supremely unconcerned. "I have never been harmed here. Section Two keeps watch at all times."

'Section Two? They're the only thing standing between her and being attacked or robbed...or worse?'

After what happened with Shinji today, I wouldn't trust Section Two to pour pee out of a boot with the instructions of how to do so written on the heel.

How can this girl know so little about how disgraceful her living situation is? How does she live this way with no fear or complaint?

'But then, she almost never questions anything. She just...accepts. It's not right for a teenager! I mean...it's not right for any of them to be soldiers in this war to begin with...but for her to never ask questions unless it's for clarification...never speak her mind...and never display any noticeable discomfort in following orders that would bother most people...'

What did NERV DO to her?

And then to put her out here in this cesspool, living alone...with nothing between her and the threat of becoming a statistic in this city's list of crime victims...except for a bunch of incompetent dipshits wearing ostentatious suits and sunglasses to cover up the fact they're a cluster of bottomfeeding goons who'd fit in just as well with the worst scum you could find out in this garbage heap.

I can only imagine then, if Rei claims that nothing horrible has befallen her here because of Section Two's constant vigilance, that the 'agents' (loathe though I am to call them that) assigned to her must be unusually competent...probably because the Commander put the fear of God into them.

'Though...why even make such protection necessary by putting her here in the first place?'

"Mind if we walk you to the door Rei?" I ask.

"I have no objection."

'I want to get a good look at this girl's apartment.'

Walking up to the door, I notice that the mail slot is stuffed full of unopened junk mail, food menus, and a plethora of pamphlets. The door itself is as grimy the rest of the building, the only noticeable sign that the room behind is occupied being the overflowing mail slot.

Rei opens the door...and upon seeing what's inside, I gasp...horrorstruck.


	37. Repercussions & Reparations (pt18)

AN: Here's one that might be interesting.

This is, of all people, Fuyutsuki's POV.

Also, our favorite 'worst dad ever' is present for a bit longer than he was in 6.11, and has a bit more to say than before.

•7:41 PM

"Very well. When you arrive, you will meet with the Vice Commander to finalize the process."

Ikari hangs up the phone. His demeanor appears impassive...but there is a pensiveness about him as well. Of course...one would have to know him as well as I to see it at all.

After a moment, he speaks. "Fuyutsuki, I leave this in your hands."

I feel like snorting derisively, though I elect not to. 'Of course, delegating unwanted tasks is a commander's privilege.'

"Haven't you already given your approval?"

"Yes. But she's insisted on coming here personally to address the issue and fill out the necessary paperwork tonight."

So, even the 'Bastard King', as some are prone to calling you, can bend graciously to the whims of your subordinates...

"You could have ordered her to stand down...or to drop the matter entirely."

'Though truthfully, I'm not unsympathetic to Katsuragi's cause. I now almost feel ashamed that I myself never tried to push the Commander to improve the First Child's lodgings.'

"There would be little use in doing so." The tall, grimly bespectacled man rises to his feet. Without turning around to face me, he continues, "Major Katsuragi is dedicated to the task of eliminating the Angels. However, she has grown...fonder of the Third Child than I had previously expected. And that fondness appears to be extending to the other Children as well. I believe that denying her request on the First Child's behalf could invite, or possibly even increase her suspicions towards me...and if she makes any significant discoveries due to said suspicion...her enmity as well. She is indispensable at this stage of the Scenario. Yet even so, if she begins to dig into the secrets we have deliberately kept from her, she could prove to be as dangerous a foe as she is useful as an asset. Especially if she turns to a...certain other asset for assistance in the matter."

"What will you do if she does that?" I ask, though I'm certain I already know the answer. "How do you know that she hasn't already? After all, she knows that he's spying for the government as well as us."

"He will likely fear making her privy to secrets that could result in her death. And as long as she remains dedicated to her original cause long enough to see this war to its end, she will likely not discover anything of consequence with ample time to execute a counterattack. And I doubt she will discover anything too dangerous as long as he does not reveal the identity of his third employer and his knowledge of their machinations. That would be exceedingly risky to both her life and his 'quest for the truth'."

He turns to face me. "However, even if she does make discoveries that prove troublesome, she is still highly valuable due to her motives and immense skill in her field. I think an adequate replacement would be difficult, perhaps even impossible to find at this stage. Naturally however, if the risk she presents is greater than her ongoing contribution, she will be disposed of immediately, and then we will simply have to hope for the best in finding her replacement."

"That would probably ensure the Third Child's permanent departure, and lead to our other asset's immediate defection to his other employers."

He says nothing. Most likely, he's already weighed these factors against one another.

I go on, "So you feel that this is the best course of action."

The bearded man's mouth curls into a wry smirk. "The 'best course of action' has already slipped from my grasp."

He turns away again. "I never should have allowed either of the Children to set foot in Katsuragi's apartment...the Third in particular. By doing so, I've allowed him to be more than a mere tool...a means to an end for her obsessive vengeance. Instead, I've given the arm wielding my sword a conscience. If I thought that doing so would undo the present damage done, I'd have him removed from her care immediately."

'Indeed, doing so at this stage would probably do far more harm than good.'

There is a brief pause...then the silence is broken by the ringing of the phone.

With a small grunt of impatience, Ikari marches over to the console, picking up the phone.

"Tell her to wait outside the door. I'll be leaving shortly," he says curtly, without having waited for them to state their business and hangs up without waiting for a response.

'Ah. So that's why this is being foisted on me.'

I almost laugh...almost.

True to his word, Ikari begins to walk towards the unnecessarily huge doors of his office.

"You may conduct your business with Major Katsuragi here. I expect she'll be arriving soon."

I merely nod...and roll my eyes for good measure.

'Figures. I've always hated this office.'

The door opens, and sure enough, I catch a brief glimpse of Dr. Akagi waiting outside just before the door closes behind them both.

I snort scathingly as I think to myself, 'Yes...in order to chase his 'white whale', even the ever persistent Ahab must stop occasionally to 'tend' to his 'wooden leg'.'

I crease my brow...then chuckle darkly.

'Well, that's not what I meant by 'wooden leg' at all. But considering what I meant by 'tending'...I suppose the metaphor is appropriate either way. Goodness...how old am I now?'

Still...I wonder what would become of his grand machinations should his 'wooden leg' turn her back on him.

To cope with the soul-crushing desolation of this room, I pass the time by trying to envision both how his plans would fail without Dr. Akagi...and how he might somehow scrape together a new Scenario from the ruins.

Based on what I've come up with so far...well...I really do hope Dr. Akagi holds on to her empty hopes a little longer...though, I'd certainly sympathize with her if she saw reason and chose to abandon them while she still has her dignity.

'Of course, as far as throwing a strategy together from seemingly inadequate resources, I can't hold a candle to the 'Bastard King'. I guess that's one reason I-'

The phone rings.

Picking up the receiver, I respond with a perfunctory greeting, and receive the message that Major Katsuragi has arrived. Thanking the secretary, I tell her to send the Major in.

I've just barely hung up the phone when the door creaks open and an attractive woman with long purple hair strides in, her face set.

"Ah, Major Katsuragi. Please, have a seat."

She does so. "Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice." Though the edge in her voice indicates that this little nicety is just that.

"So, am I to understand that you desire a change in the First Child's lodgings?"

Katsuragi's eyes narrow. "That disgusting cesspit she's living in doesn't qualify as 'lodgings'. If you'll forgive my boldness, how could Commander Ikari allow her to live in such conditions? It was my understanding that they are rather close. It's not like he didn't know, I'm sure."

I resist the urge to smile bitterly. 'Yes, Ikari...I can see the other reason you chose to dodge this meeting. Dealing with the inconvenient empathy your pawns sometimes show one another has never been your strong point.'

"Commander Ikari has never, to my knowledge, visited Ms. Ayanami outside of NERV. So if her living conditions had deteriorated, he himself was likely unaware, as Ms. Ayanami never came to him with complaints or concerns."

Judging by her increasingly furious expression, Major Katsuragi does not buy this for a second.

'And she shouldn't. Truthfully...he knows. He may not have seen it personally for some time now, but the Section Two agents have, and I myself have heard the reports. Even they were taken aback at the condition of her apartment...but they knew better than to speak against it. Katsuragi at least has her indispensability to aid her. As for the why...I've often wondered that myself. However, my own theory is that he chose to make her life away from piloting...and away from his calculated, though possibly not insincere, interactions with her...as deliberately dreary and demoralizing as possible. This, along with medicating her and purposefully ignoring the teaching of adequate social skills in her upbringing, to give her literally nothing else to live for...except his orders and approval.'

"Nevertheless," I go on, "he's grateful that it's been brought to his attention, and has given you permission to personally choose her new lodgings."

"I'm grateful for that. Thank you."

The 'courtesy' of her words hides the cold anger underneath them about as effectively as piece of tissue paper hides a wall of ice. I'm strangely glad to hear it.

"Have you a specific location in mind?"

Katsuragi opens her mouth...then pauses, frowning thoughtfully. She seems to be pondering her answer carefully.

Finally, she looks back at me, and replies, "We'll move her into the apartment closest to mine. She can stay in my apartment tonight, but I want her things moved as soon as possible so she can get settled in."

"Why not just have her move in with you? I understand that the Second Child will no longer be sharing your apartment, so surely there is sufficient space."

She frowns again, chewing on her reply for a moment before responding, "Given Asuka's current state of mind, even though she will no longer be living with me, I think moving Rei into my apartment would only serve to worsen her relations with myself and her fellow pilots."

'Ah, of course. Given Pilot Sohryu's well known dislike of the First Child, I think you're probably right, Major Katsuragi. And of course, there's the fact that it would immediately trigger her overwhelming fear of being replaced...a fate worse than death, given her past.'

"Very well. We defer to your discretion in this matter."

Turning to the phone, I dial for the HR Department to have the necessary paperwork faxed up the office.

A short while later, all the paperwork requiring Major Katsuragi's attention having been filled out, she stands up to depart.

"Just one moment, Major."

She sits back down, with an air of slight impatience. "Yes sir?"

I'm not sure that Ikari will ever bother to even ask. So I might as well...

"What is it that happened between the Second and Third Children?"

The impatience and indignation are immediately shattered by a weary sadness as Katsuragi answers my query.

After wordlessly listening and responding with a nod here and there, I at last open my mouth to thank her for the information and inform her that she is free to go.

"One last thing," she says, her back turned, pausing in her footsteps. "What was so important that the Commander himself could not be here to address these issues?"

I stop to ponder that for a moment. Not because I intend to tell her the truth...but because I'm thinking hypothetically about how one would inform their subordinate that their chief superior was absent due to having, as the young people in America might say, a 'booty call'.

Trying not to smirk at the idea of Katsuragi's probable reaction to such a statement, I merely answer, "He chose not to say, and I couldn't hazard a guess."

Looking displeased and skeptical, but electing not to argue, Major Katsuragi leaves without another word.

Once the door closes behind her, I stand up quickly, and gather the papers. Leaving the ones that the Commander himself must sign, I hurriedly fax the completed forms back to HR and the archives.

Once finished, I almost run toward the door. Once outside in the hallway, I breathe a sigh of relief.

'It's bad enough having to stand next to him in there day after day. But sitting in there ALONE?! Even considering how much his sanity has eroded since...that day...I don't know how he can sit in that place without turning into a lunatic of the raving variety. Ah well...'

Turning my thoughts away from Ikari's eldritch taste in interior decor, I think back to Major Katsuragi's explanation of the incident between Pilot Sohryu and Ikari's son.

'It would seem Ms. Sohryu is a bit more disturbed than any of us knew. And possibly more depraved as well. I wonder how Ikari will take this...'

Despite how determined the man is to distance himself from his progeny, I can't help but feel that this news may at LEAST induce a reaction other than silence.

'That certainly would be interesting to see...perhaps rather heartening as well.'


	38. Repercussions & Reparations (pt19)

VL

AN: And here's the last one.

Here's Misato once again...and she's about to have one of the most unnerving moments of her life.

•9:19 PM

A part of me really feels sickened right now. Not just because of NERV's blatant neglect of Rei Ayanami, and the Vice Commander's feeble attempts to claim that there was no prior knowledge of the squalor in which the poor girl was living...

No...not just that. Also making me sick is the fact that I've used the noble cause of providing a better home for Rei as cover for an entirely different endeavor.

I'd like to think, though, that I'd have done it anyway, without an ulterior motive...

'I guess I would have...after all, that apartment...'

When I walked in, I was horrified at what I saw.

The floor was scuffed, dirty, and appeared to be covered in a thick layer of dust. Indeed, the air itself felt thick and heavy with dust and airborne filth.

The kitchen, just beyond the front door, featured a grimy stove, covered in a multicolored hell of stains. Next to that, a cracked and heavily mildewed sink. And as I stood there, transfixed, I saw...something...scurry out of sight in the corner of my eye.

Moving forward without a word, I had looked around the main room that took up most of the apartment. The floor there was just as filthy as that of the kitchen...and considering the small size of the room, surprisingly barren...occupied only by a small chest of drawers, a bed, a large box behind it against the wall, a chair next to the bed, a tiny refrigerator, and another box next to it.

Inside this last box...were clusters of bloodied bandages. Looking back at the bed, I saw that the pillow upon it was also stained with blood...and the stains were disquietingly large.

The entire room smelled of...indifference...no other word could describe it, and...realizing that I was starting to sweat...I noticed that despite it being nighttime, the heat in the room was stifling.

Moving onto the bathroom...oh goodness...

Suffice it to say that it looked as though nothing had been cleaned in there for some time...if ever...

After that, and a quick call to the Commander, I rushed the two teens outside, and over Rei's initial mild protestations, drove them back to my apartment, and called to ask a favor of Makoto Hyuga.

'That's another thing that makes me feel sickened...after what happened to Shinji, I shouldn't be leaving him alone...'

Well, Makoto is with them both now...but still...after he told me what got him down from that ledge...

"...I didn't want to do it if it would mean hurting you..."

I could try to justify this as being for the welfare of the entire world...if indeed NERV is up to something nefarious...but really, I know the truth. This is me just being obsessed with finding the truth...just like Kaji...

'And we'll probably both die trying.'

And if we do...will it save anyone? What will become of Shinji, Asuka...or even Rei...without me around?

'But if SEELE and/or NERV are up to something...what kind of world could be left to them? If indeed one or both organizations really did trigger the Second Impact...would there even BE a world for them?! I suppose these are the words I'll have to believe in to lay me down...for now though, let's see if Kaji really is on to something.'

The hallways I walk are quite empty and silent; the only sound is the soft echo of my footsteps and-

My lungs freeze, the air catching in my throat. Another set of footsteps is making it's way towards me from the perpendicular corridor ahead of me.

'If that isn't-...there isn't enough time for me to hide!'

And across the mouth of the hallway where the two corridors meet, a tall man with long hair tied back in a ponytail strides past, not even turning aside to look my way.

Mentally breathing a sigh of relief, I begin to follow him in such a way that it looks as though I wish neither to be seen or heard.

When I decided to join in with Kaji's investigation, we decided that it would be best to time our arrivals in such a way that we would meet at that corridor. If one of us was late, we'd wait until we had heard the other's footsteps, making sure to have an ample hiding spot to safely watch from.

I had botched that last bit by allowing my thoughts to wander too much...but luckily, the person walking towards me was Kaji himself.

A few times, Kaji looks over his shoulder, and I make a point to dodge out of sight. If there are any cameras watching, we want to be sure that it doesn't look like we're in league with one another.

Eventually, after passing through several restricted areas that Kaji has somehow obtained access to, he reaches a lone elevator and steps inside.

Approaching quietly, I see, to my frustration, that the elevator has no floor markers to indicate it's progress.

Unsure of how long I'll have to wait for the cab to return, I try to occupy my time by looking around.

There isn't much to see in this room...just three featureless walls, the featureless hallway leading to it, and the lone elevator on the left side of the room, utterly innocuous...save for its odd location.

The room, or perhaps cul-de-sac would be more appropriate, is fairly dusty...like it's never been cleaned since its construction.

'God, this is maddening! It's too damn quiet in here.'

I don't know how many times I repeat that thought to myself before at last...

A mechanical rumbling begins to swell inside the wall as the elevator cab returns. And a moment later, the door opens to admit me.

As I step into it, I notice that the only notable feature of the elevator cab is how utterly blank it is inside.

It seems to take an age to reach the end. Once again, the surrounding monotony is nearly enough to drive me insane. So I try to turn my mind elsewhere...

I find myself thinking of Makoto this time...

Poor guy. I really do take unfair advantage of his crush on me. First my laundry...and now babysitting? He agreed to do it without much hesitation, but still...I owe him something for this. Really, if it weren't for-

'No, don't think like that. Don't go thinking about someone as some kind of rebound for you to fall back on. Makoto deserves better than that, and you know it.'

Maybe I could help hook him up sometime. I guess that'd be something nice I could do in return for all the favors I've asked.

Ah well...back to the missi-

'Oh good! We're here!'

When the elevator doors open, I see that the corridor ahead is made of carved stone rather than smooth metal.

'Just how far down are we?'

The air is warmer and thicker here, and I can feel the pressure change in my ears.

And there's another sensation that's...unpleasantly familiar...but I can't properly place it.

I pass through two security checkpoints, both of which are 'carelessly' left open. And upon turning the corner...

I draw my pistol, despite knowing that it might do nothing against whatever waits for us in Terminal Dogma.

About to slide the card through the reader, he pauses mid-motion.

"So, you've caught up to me then. I thought I heard footsteps." His tone is so convincing, I almost believe that he wasn't expecting me all along.

"Cut the crap Kaji. Let's get this over with."

Kaji nods, but pauses once more.

"Misato. Once this door opens-"

"There's no going back, right? I know. Trust me, I didn't endure that maddening elevator ride down here for nothing."

I turn to face the gargantuan vertical door in front of me. "Let's do this."

I hear the beep of the card reader, and the door begins to open slowly. As the chamber within begins to come into view, the familiar sensation I had earlier becomes stronger.

And then the door opening upward passes my eye level...

First I notice a huge red pillar at the center of the enormous hollow...running down it's surface to the floor beneath is a constant stream of a familiar orange liquid...a stream that seems to begin at the base of what looks ominously like some twisted mass of white flesh-

"Oh my god," I whisper.

The pillar is actually a cross made of some strange red metal...and nailed to it...

The flesh is pure, luminescent white...and it's shape is unmistakably humanoid...though this does not serve to make the beast less unearthly and unnerving to behold. If anything...

The face...if it has one...is entirely covered by a purple mask adorned with what looks like some kind of sigil...seven eyes arranged vertically; four one one side, three on the other, over an inverted triangle.

Out of the creature's chest, juts a massive two-pronged spear, seemingly made of the same strange red metal as the cross.

It is only upon seeing this that I notice...the beast has no legs.

The torso, rather than being neatly truncated at the base, is grotesquely marred and distorted by tumor-like bulges..and...protruding out of, and from between, the cancerous looking disfigurations are other growths...thin, dangling growths...growths that look horribly like...

Limbs...human limbs...

"Is...", I whisper, at last finding my voice, "Is that an Eva? N-no...but-..."

The vision of a glowing giant flashes through my mind...

"I-i-it can't be!"

"Yes." Kaji sounds calm, but much more subdued than usual.

"The key to the Second Impact...and everything that's happened since." He seems to be talking more to himself than to me. "The starting point of everything. This is Adam."

"Adam," I repeat the word, spitting it out like an obscenity. "But why is the First Angel here?! You're right Kaji, I don't know NERV!"

I glare at the monstrosity on the cross. "I don't know NERV at all!"

'Adam...I hope you're alive up there you bastard. I hope you're feeling every ounce of pain from being crucified!'

If the monster is alive, it gives no indication of being so...

Silent...unresponsive...its disturbingly human head lolling slightly downward to the right, Adam has made no attempt to escape, to attack...or even to move...or even to observe our intrusion into its prison.

'So it must be dead...right...?'

And yet...somehow...I know it is not...

There's a...wrongness...about the angle of it's arms. As the nail-pinned hands are the only things visibly holding it up, it's body should be dangling lower.

It gives me the ominous feeling that it's...holding itself here...willingly.

'Probably some apparatus fixed into its back. Either that, or maybe that spear is poking out through the back of the cross.'

I stare...fixating on the seven-eyed mask.

'I can't help but wonder. What does it look like underneath that thing?'

Shuddering slightly at the thought, I turn to Kaji.

"You're...certain this is Adam?"

'Wait...I wasn't thinking that...was I?'

Kaji, who has also been staring up at 'Adam', quickly turns to look at me. His face is suddenly pale, his expression unnerved.

"I was wondering the same thing. And yet..." He looks up again. "I don't know why I'm even thinking about that. After all, who...or what else could it be?"

Pondering that...I realize something. For a reason I can't explain, I'm thinking of a name.

 ** _'Lilith?'_**

Why is a name I don't even know randomly cropping up at a time like this?

A short time later, after further examination of the enormous chamber, we walk out into the dimly orange-lit hallway, the great doors closing slowly behind us.

Before they seal the room from sight, I take another look at 'Adam', half expecting it to start moving...or start screaming it's piercing, inhuman wail while trying to rip itself off the cross. But it does no such thing...remaining utterly, and eerily, motionless.

'It...doesn't look the same as it did fifteen years ago. The giant I saw in the distance looked like a glowing Evangelion. This...just looks kind of like an oversized human. Still, it's an Angel...I shouldn't be too surprised if it's changed it's form.'

The door closes...and suddenly it feels colder than before.

I hadn't even realized how much warmer the air had been inside Terminal Dogma.

And...the strange...prickling sensation...a sort of...squirming feeling in the infinitesimal space between my brain and skull...has subsided.

'I didn't even notice it until it stopped.'

Looking back at Kaji, I notice the way he's staring at the door, his face paler than ever.

'He felt it too.'

"Let's get out of here," he mutters.

I nod, and we make our way back to the elevator, making sure to reset the security points on our way back.

Once the elevator door closes behind us, the sensation I couldn't place earlier is gone.

'Now I know that the damn thing was alive in there. That feeling...as if the air around me were alive...the pulsating, as if of a giant internal organ...I felt it after getting off the elevator.'

The AT Field...

Clearly too weak to form a barrier...but still strong enough to create a sort of...aura.

I turn to look at Kaji.

'So...you really have been on to something haven't you Kaji? Well after what I've seen today...you've got yourself an ally to the end. If I can help you get through this alive...I will. Even at the cost of my own life.'

Deciding to break the silence I loathe so much, I ask Kaji what I believe to be a throwaway question.

"Hey Kaji, what do you know about the name 'Lilith'?"


	39. The Greener Grass

And now...the first of FOUR updates this week.

Here begins Chapter 7 :)

And we'll be starting things off with Ms. Kodama Horaki.

Note: Don't worry, I know the lyrics look like a lot, but it's really not the full song, only about half.

 _"You could fill up a lake_

 _With the tears of a crocodile_

 _You lead by the nose and always get lost_

 _(I cannot wait for the earthquake)_

 _We always get lost_

 _(to bury me in a cold grave)_

 _The one-legged race, on our last leg_

 _The will is yours, so just take it_

 _Get outta this town_

 _Hatchet men yelling timber_

 _Will get us chopped down_

 _Get outta this hell_

 _Off this rusted train track_

 _You still take lying down_

 _So swing us around_

 _While you're armed to the tooth_

 _Keep yourself in the dark_

 _Of some deep cobalt blue_

 _So swing us around_

 _By the skin of your teeth_

 _Writing us off in invisible ink_

 _So swing us around_

 _While you're armed to the tooth_

 _Keep yourself in the dark_

 _Of some deep cobalt blue_

 _So swing us around_

 _By the skin of your teeth_

 _Writing us off in invisible ink_

 _You can still find me_

 _Between devils and deep blue seas_

 _In the desert's hands_

 _On a sheet of sand_

 _A dry tidal wave_

 _Over my feet of clay_

 _On unfinished glass_

 _Looking for greener grass_

 _Trying to make the welkin ring_

 _But all my sounds are boomerangs"_

[MEDIA=youtube]kte1mGTT-ZQ[/MEDIA]

- **'The Greener Grass'** by Fair To Midland

Chapter 7-The Greener Grass

•7:36 PM, Thursday October 15, 2015

"Ugh, what a day..."

I'm glad I got into that college on a scholarship, but by god does that place frustrate me. And you'd think it'd be less annoying with fewer people around, so many having transferred after those monsters started attacking...but no.

The emptiness just makes the place desolate and even more depressing than ever. And with the amount of work they're piling on us, it's like they're trying to make up for the lack of students by turning us all into prodigies.

Ah well...hopefully Hikari made something good for dinner tonight.

I open the front door, and walk into the genkan, removing my shoes. Then, striding into the living room, I turn to see Hikari and-

'Oh joy...Hikari's bitchy friend is here.'

"Well well, look who it is," I say with undisguised scorn, narrowing my eyes.

Hikari merely groans and rolls her eyes.

"Hi Kodama," the target of my words replies dully.

Huh...no retort for that? I'm almost disappointed.

"Aren't we polite today?" I scoffs. "What a pleasant surprise."

Asuka grimaces, but otherwise does her best to ignore the jibe.

'Come on, stop holding back. Go on, give me a reason...give me a reason to tell you just what I think of you.'

"You know," I go on, the snark gradually fading into real anger, "Toshiro was worried about you last night. He tried calling here to see if we could give him your guardian's number or address. You know, so he could let your guardian know that you were missing? Turns out, he needn't have worried, eh?"

"Guess not," Asuka deadpans back.

"C'mon Kodama, be nice," my sister pleads. "Asuka had a rough day today. Please don't do this right now."

Oh Asuka had a rough day? Well isn't that just too bad for the gaijin queen bee...she's not the one who had to spend half the day at her stupid day job, and the other half at a failing college that seems determined to punish the students who decided to stay or had no choice in the matter...on top of comforting Toshiro, patching up his bruised ego, all the while resisting the temptation to tell him 'I told you so'.

'He has to admit...I told him it was a bad idea. I told him, I told him, I told him...but even so, he didn't deserve that kind of treatment...even if he was too stupid to listen.'

"All I'm saying," I go on, shooting a withering look at Asuka, "Is that she could've just said she wasn't interested from the beginning. Or she could've at least had the decency to tell Toshiro to his face that she wasn't having fun. Maybe then-"

Asuka abruptly stands up, glaring daggers at me.

'There we go,' I think with grim satisfaction. 'Go on, start something. I dare you!'

But Asuka turns away, and heads for Hikari's bedroom. "I'm going to bed, Hikari," she calls over her shoulder.

"Uh...okay Asuka. I'll be there soon." Hikari turns to glare at me.

"Hi Miss Asuka!" a much younger and more cheerful voice calls out.

My youngest sister Nozomi exits the bathroom moments before Asuka passes by the door.

Responding with a wordless grunt, Asuka brushes past the six year old that idolizes her for some unfathomable reason, and makes directly for Hikari's bedroom. Once inside, the door closes rather sharply behind her.

"Uhh, goodnight...I guess?" Nozomi looks rather sadly at the closed door before walking back out into the living room.

"Hi big sis!" she calls out to me, brightening up again.

Feeling my own sour mood dissipate a little in spite of myself, I smile back. "Hi munchkin! How was your day?"

"It was good," Nozomi chirps happily. "Especially since Miss Asuka is gonna be living with us now!"

Wait...

'WHAT?!'

"Whoa, whoa, back up there." I turn menacingly towards Hikari. "Living...here?!"

"That's right! So you'd better be nice!" Nozomi says, looking as stern as six year old girl possibly can.

"And when...pray tell...did this happen? I hope you're not planning to spring this on Dad at the last second. He's been stressed enough at work as it is!"

"Dad's fine with it Kodama," Hikari replies patiently. "I already talked to him about it. He does wish I hadn't sprung it on him on such short notice, but he understood."

"Understood what, exactly?!" I'm really starting to feel angry now. "What, did her guardian finally throw the towel in or something?"

"Asuka and Ms. Katsuragi don't get along very well," Hikari admitted, "And..." she looks a bit saddened by her next words, "She also has trouble getting along with her fellow pilot, Shinji."

"So they decided to foist her off on us instead?!"

"Kodama! It's not like that!"

"Don't be so mean, sis," Nozomi chimes in, looking visibly upset with the growing tension. "Miss Asuka really isn't so bad once you get to know her."

"Not so bad?!"

'I know I shouldn't get angry. She's six, and doesn't know any better since 'Miss Asuka' hasn't shown her how nasty she can be...yet.'

Despite being triggered by Nozomi's response, I continue to address Hikari. "Well, by the sound of it, she effectively got THROWN OUT of her home! Not that I'm surprised, considering how she treats that boy-"

"Kodama!" Hikari whispers emphatically, "Lower your voice!"

"What? You're saying I'm wrong?!" I'm nearly shouting now. "Are you just so desperate to be her friend that you'll ignore the way she treats anyone that SHE decides has crossed her?! Do you just...just IGNORE the way she treats her fellow pilot, Ikari, or even that boy you have the crush on, Suzahara?! Go on! Look me in the eye and tell me I'm fucking exag-"

"Stop it!" A small but strong voice cuts across me.

I turn to face Nozomi once more...and feel a chill in my spine. The little girl's face has gone completely pale and her hands are hovering near her ears...as if just barely resisting the temptation to clamp down and cover them up. "Please...don't fight anymore."

I want to argue more, I really do...but I can see that it's really starting to affect Nozomi. On top of her stricken expression, she keeps looking frantically between us, and it occurs to me that she might be remembering-

"Ugh, well...I'm not happy it about it, so don't expect me to be. But...it's Dad's call, and if he's fine with it, well...it looks like what I think doesn't matter anyway."

Turning away, I stalk off to my room, curtly saying goodnight to my sisters.

'Too easy on her...the both of them! Well, at least Asuka has generally been nice to Nozomi...probably thanks to my little sister's willingness to stroke that massively oversized ego of her's.'

But still...I won't forget that one day I went to go pick her and my sister up. I drove up to the school, and found her waiting there with the other Eva pilot, Ikari. She was berating him over something stupid...I don't even remember what, even though I could hear her from a good hundred feet away. And when that other boy, Suzahara, tried to tell her off...she just straight up slapped him hard enough that it hurt just to watch it. Of course, she acted 'oh so proper' once she addressed me, when I pulled up...not a trace of that ugly temper to be found.

'...which I found just as disturbing as her behavior before she realized I was there...if not moreso.'

Though the moment I questioned her actions, and tried to call her out on her behavior as we drove back here, she stopped pretending to be cordial to me. Oh, she behaved herself around Hikari, Nozomi, and my dad...but I knew full well that I had earned her dislike.

Somehow though, Hikari could do the same without earning the same ill-regard. I don't know how. Maybe she's just better at being diplomatic.

But still...I worry that one day, she'll decide to stop 'pretending to be nice' to Dad and both my sisters. Most of all...I fear Nozomi, innocently earnest as she is, somehow accidentally triggering that little bitch's real personality...and it doesn't seem to take much at all.

'If she did...well...admittedly, if that happened, neither Dad nor Hikari would let it slide. We've all been very protective of Nozomi since Mom-'

I feel the familiar dark clouds of that memory gather around me...

Mom and Dad had a fight that afternoon. Nozomi was only two at the time, and the shouting really frightened her, even though she didn't understand what was happening. Then Mom got a surprise call from work, asking her to come in right away...and she promptly stormed out without saying goodbye. At first, we were all okay, though the atmosphere was tense and gloomy. And I could tell that Nozomi was worried and just really wanted Mom to come home and make things up with Dad.

And then...a few hours later...the phone rang again...

It was me who answered...

They said it was...they said there had been a terrible accident...

I sit down on my bed, burying my face in my hands, unable to stop the images from flickering through my mind like some horrible clip show.

Poor Nozomi didn't understand. She wouldn't stop crying and asking when she was coming back. We kept telling her there had been an 'accident'...we didn't know how else to tell her...

Eventually, she did come to understand...and she dealt with that knowledge as well any child possibly could. But even now...even though she's grown to be a cheerful, sweet little girl...anytime any of us start arguing, it just...triggers...that terrible fear in her. And heaven forbid any of us have an argument with each other just before LEAVING the house...

Better not to put her through that again if it can be helped...especially if arguing won't change anything anyway.

Still...that gaijin had better behave herself...


	40. The Greener Grass (pt2)

AN: Welp, moving right along.

And this time Makoto is entering the ring.

•10:41 PM

Putting the phone down, I breathe a small sigh of relief.

Major Katsuragi is on her way back at least. She hadn't said how long she'd be gone when she asked me to look after her charges, and I was worried that I might be stuck here all night.

'God...how do I keep letting her pile all these favors on my shoulders?'

In my mind, I hear that ever-so-politely pleading tone she gets whenever she asks me for help...and see that winning smile flashing teeth when I inevitably say 'yes' to whatever menial task she herself is apparently unable to do.

'Heh...do I even need to ask that of myself?'

Ever since she arrived here...

I've found myself daydreaming about her, thinking endlessly about trying to work up the nerve to ask her out for a drink...what to say, how to say it.

When I finally worked up the courage to speak to her as more than just my superior officer, she turned out to be quite friendly and warm...but like most women I've harbored a crush for, she kept me at arm's length. Though, I did come to notice...she treated almost everyone that way as well.

But then, she started to ask favors of me...something that set her interactions with me apart from those with my coworkers...and for a time, I let myself feel hopeful that things were looking up...until Mr. Kaji appeared.

The moment he showed up, and I saw the way she looked at him when he wasn't looking, even though she usually acts like she's annoyed with him...I saw all my hopes going up in smoke.

Somehow, I thought I'd hate him more...but I don't. He seems like an intelligent and pleasant fellow...and I can tell he cares for Misato.

I do feel a little jealous sometimes though...but even moreso, I'm frustrated by the way he flirts with all the other women at NERV. If I were him...I wouldn't waste a moment with them.

But, sadly...I know that what either of them do with each other isn't my business, and telling them both how stupid they're being isn't my place.

And yet, even now that I know I no longer stand a chance with her, I still let myself get suckered into doing these chores for her.

'Then again,' I argue back, 'she DID gradually ask less and less of me after Kaji showed up. Actually...that day the Ninth Angel showed up was the last time...and that was nearly a month ago.

Today was the first time since then...and this time, she didn't try to charm or wheedle me into doing it. This time, she sounded serious...like she really needed the help.

Earlier tonight, when she called me, Misato told me a bit about what happened with Pilots Ikari and Sohryu...and then about the conditions that Pilot Ayanami had been living in this entire time, and how she's being moved into the apartment next door to this one.

I guess...with all that going on, she really doesn't want to leave Ikari and Ayanami alone...but really needed to discuss Ayanami and Sohryu's new living arrangements as soon as possible...and since Mr. Kaji was apparently working late, the task fell to me.

Honestly though, it hasn't been too bad. Really, not bad at all. Ikari and Ayanami are both surprisingly well-behaved for teenagers, and neither of them really needed much supervision. They didn't really do much, except watch the TV and occasionally speak to one another. Periodically, Rei would ask odd questions about the program...as if she'd never seen anything like it in her life.

It's surprising...and disquieting...just how sheltered and naive that girl seems to be about mainstream culture. I mean, I've always been a little off the beaten path myself...but still...she seems to be from a whole different world. And I can't help but wonder if that had been intentional on the part of Commander Ikari. After all, he seems to have cared little for his own son...so who's to say that he wasn't equally unethical in how he had Rei brought up...albeit in rather different ways; repression of the latter versus abandonment of the former.

Speaking of whom...said boy is walking back into the room, carrying what looks like a guest bed mat, some pillows, and a blanket.

"Uh, p-pardon me Mr. Hyuga. I-I'm just setting up my bed out here, since I gave Rei my room. B-But I'll wait until Misato gets back to go to sleep though."

More than a little confused by his odd behavior, I ask, "Why sleep on the floor out here? Don't you have a free bedroom since Asuka won't be living here anymore?"

Shinji recoils a little at that, and averts his eyes, muttering something about not wanting to disturb anything in her room.

"It's not like she's coming back, right?" I ask. After what Misato told me, I wouldn't expect Asuka to set foot in here again.

In response he simply shakes his head, still muttering about how she...'might notice somehow'...

Wondering what he means by these vaguely ominous statements, but not wanting to press him further given his clear distress on the matter, I drop the subject. "Well, why not take the couch then?"

"Oh, uh," Shinji stammers, "I-...I, uh, don't want to...I mean...you'd have nowhere to sit, Mr. Hyuga."

Smiling a little at the boy's stammering politeness, I rise to my feet. "No worries. Misato called a few minutes ago. She ought to be back soon, so I'll be leaving shortly anyway."

"Oh." Shinji seems to relax a little, but still looks nervous, and a little guilty. "Well...uh, i-i-if you're sure..."

"Yeah, it's no problem."

Still looking slightly unsure, but clearly satisfied enough not to inquire further, Shinji puts the mat away, and begins to set up the couch. Once finished, he lays down, pulling the blankets over himself.

Before exiting the room, I look back at the couch. Shinji is staring at the ceiling, his expression far more solemn than is natural for a boy his age.

As I I walk out of the room, I hear Shinji start to speak. "Th-thank you, Mr. Hyuga. Again, I-I'm sorry to take your seat from you."

I find his constant need to apologize rather troubling. He seems to have a pathological fear of upsetting people...and it makes me wonder...who the hell did his father put in charge of raising this kid?

I almost want to ask...but somehow I know that this is NOT the time. At least as far as I'm concerned, I don't think there would ever be a right time to ask such a question.

"Don't worry about it," I answer back. "I was the one who offered to get up anyway."

"Oh...r-right. W-well, goodnight Mr. Hyuga."

"Goodnight."

Walking out of the room and into the kitchen, I sit down at the table after putting the water on, letting a placid fog fill my mind until my lethargy is broken by the whistle of the tea kettle.

After pouring the steaming liquid into a mug, I let the gentle tendrils of steam caress my chin from below, breathing in the earthy fragrance of the steadily darkening tea. Periodically sipping the piping liquid, I lose myself in thought...empty hopes, bitter realizations, visions of what could have been, honest reflections on why such things could never be...a fountain of mental images and emotions...all born from the same source...

'Mr. Kaji...if you haven't already, I hope that someday, you come to appreciate just how lucky you are. And Misato...may you find the happiness you deserve with whom ever you choose in the end.'

Raising my mug in a solitary toast to the silent room, I bring the mug to my lips once more, draining it.

'This tea is fantastic. I ought to change brands.'

A short time later, the door opens, and I hear footsteps approaching. Resisting the urge to rise to my feet, I turn to face the entryway as through it glides the apparition of a violet-haired goddess.

Said goddess looks thoroughly exhausted, her face pale except for the dark shadows underneath her drooping eyes. Yet, when she looks up and gives me a tired smile...I feel as though my soul is alight with the warm radiance of song.

"Thank you Makoto," Misato is saying, her voice sounding every bit as worn out as she looks. "Thank you so much for doing this on such short notice."

Snapping back to reality, I struggle for a moment to think of an appropriate response...

'Preferably one that does not involve pledging my undying l-'

No! No! No! Focus! Come on, get it together you idiot!

"Uh, you're welcome Major."

There. That wasn't so hard right?

"How many times do I have to tell you," she says sounding mildly exasperated, though still wearing a small smile, walking past me to retrieve a beer from the fridge, "We're not at NERV or on duty right now. Just call me Misato."

'Uh...speaking of hard...'

Son of a-! Seriously?! We're just talking for crying out loud!

'As if you really need any more stimulation than that.'

I think I should probably just leave at this point.

"Well, uh, glad I could be of help Maj-, uh, Misato. I'd best be going home now."

"Wait a moment."

I stop in my tracks, turning to look over my shoulder. Misato sips her beer, then lowers the can to reveal a pensive...even slightly troubled...expression.

Then she smiles...a little bitterly it seems. "You've really been a great help to me, you know? I really can't thank you enough."

I can feel my heart racing and my face growing warm at these words. Could it be...?

'No! Don't you dare! It's just going to hurt more when your hopes fall flat! She's just thanking you because she's grateful...that's all it is...'

"It's really no problem. I don't mind helping-"

"Well, I do," she cuts across. "I've asked more of you than I reasonably should have. Between the dry cleaning, driving me home when I've had too much to drink, and now babysitting...I really do owe you one."

She looks away from me, suddenly unable to look me in the eye. "I just wish that..."

I feel my heart sink like a lead weight. 'I know what she's really trying to say. I guess...I've been pretty obvious about it.'

In a way though...it doesn't hurt as much as I feared it would. I suppose knowing I never had a chance is helpful there. But more than that, perhaps...is the ending of that eternal uncertainty that allowed me to keep hoping...even against all my better judgment.

I guess now that I know the truth...moving on will be that much easier, with me no longer being held back by that empty hope.

It hurts...but I feel...liberated.

"It's fine," I say, surprising myself with how calm I am, despite my racing heart. "I don't expect anything in return."

'That came out...a little more bitter than intended.'

Turning my face away from her, I clamp down on the torrent of emotions surging through me. After a moment, I steel myself and manage to continue, "I do appreciate the thought. But really, don't put yourself to too much trouble on my account. You said yourself that I could have refused the tasks you asked of me. I chose not to, and I don't regret that."

Turning to face her once more, I see that she's smiling again, the happiness a little more genuine this time.

'She knows that I understood her meaning...'

"Well don't you worry, I'll think of something", she declares firmly.

I nod, and begin to walk towards the genkan. But, remembering the reason I was asked to come here in the first place, I decide it best to inform her...

"I nearly forgot to tell you. Shinji insisted on sleeping in the living room tonight."

Misato frowns. "He did? But wouldn't he-"

But she stops mid sentence, seemingly putting together the answer in her head. "Thank you for letting me know."

"He seemed mostly okay other than that. Maybe a little more down than usual...but considering what you told me earlier..."

Misato sighs heavily. "Yeah..."

Deciding that the conversation has reached it's limit, I turn once more towards the genkan. "Well, goodnight Maj-...Misato."

"Goodnight Makoto, and thanks again."

And with that, I make my way to the door, retrieve my shoes, and walk out into the warm, though mild, October night, my thoughts still racing...but, at the same time, feeling more at peace than I have in months.


	41. The Greener Grass (pt3)

AN: Here it is, at long last...the END of Thursday, October 15, 2015!

This is the very last scene to take place on that date...and who better to close said day out, than our favorite redheaded, anti-heroine protagonist (After all, Asuka is pretty much the main character in this story)?

•8:04 PM

The room is just like Hikari herself; neat and functional, devoid of aesthetic pretentions...yet not to the point of being spartan. And despite it's plainness, the atmosphere is somehow still warm and friendly.

I set up the guest mat on the floor, and change into my night clothes at top speed, eager to settle in...and also, with what little time I have...

'You were finally free of him...and now THIS?! After everything you accomplished, you're going to just give up?'

I plunge my arm deep into my overnight bag, feeling around for it...until...

There it is!

As I pull it out, I think back to the moment I made the decision...the decision to bring it here with me...

Earlier...

I had to make sure Hikari didn't follow me. I didn't want her to see...

There was something...something I needed...

'You're out of your mind! Even if no one ever notices that you have it...or that it's missing...what does it say about your commitment to ridding your life of his influence? How will it reflect on your need to be free; on your PROMISE to never need ANYONE?!'

I have no answer for these furious questions...and for once, I find myself not caring to answer anyway.

All I know...is that I NEED this. And it doesn't matter why anymore.

Opening the door to Shinji's room, I slowly walked inside on tiptoe...as if afraid Shinji himself would burst out of hiding somewhere.

Looking around to make sure that I wasn't being observed...I had noted just how tiny the room really was...something I hadn't really thought about the last time I came in, due to the room being dark at the time.

Swallowing another surge of guilt, I hardened my resolve and began to scan the floor, looking for-

Yes! There!

It was easy to find; after all, Shinji kept his tiny bedroom quite neat most of the time. Quickly, I dove down, snatching up my prize, and almost ran with it back to my room, immediately stuffing it deep into my overnight bag.

Back in the present...

I stare down at the salmon colored material in my hands. This is what he was wearing when we...

I lay down, pulling the t-shirt closer to me.

'Are you really so pathetic that you've been reduced to this?'

I wish that voice would just go away...please, just let me have this...

And ignoring the protestations of my pride, I clutch the shirt more tightly, pressing it against my chest, inhaling deeply the faint odor that clings to it...his scent.

Shinji...

I don't know how long is safe enough to ensure that Hikari doesn't see me like this, but a part of me almost doesn't care anymore.

 _Let her see...I think she's always known anyway._

I just hope she doesn't hold on to some misguided hope that this...that, whatever Shinji and I had...can be salvaged. After what Misato and Kaji said earlier...about where Kaji found Shinji...

I pull the shirt away from me, and stare down at it.

What if he HAD jumped? What if whatever motivation that pulled him back hadn't been enough?

It would've been...because of me. Because I...

And this would've been the shirt that he wore when-

I stuff the t-shirt back into my duffel bag, suddenly unable to touch it...not without imagining the fabric being soaked with blood...his blood.

All because...all because...I-

Burying my head into the pillow, and holding it as tightly as I can without suffocating, I begin to weep softly, hoping the sound is suitably muffled...though not really caring if it is.

Some time later, as I finally begin to sink into sleep, my hiccuping sobs dissipating into wavering sighs. But before the veil can completely shroud me in blissful nothingness, the door opens.

I hear Hikari walk in, retrieve her bed clothes, and briefly exit the room, presumably to go change in the bathroom.

Yet another person I've inconvenienced just by existing...

Several minutes later, she returns, and climbs into bed. For several minutes, there is silence in the room; however, I can sense that Hikari is still awake...and sure enough...

"Asuka, are you awake?"

For a moment, I debate remaining silent and feigning sleep. But after a few minutes...

"Yeah, I'm awake."

"You know, you really don't have to sleep down there Asuka. There's enough room for two. Or I could still switch with you, if you'd prefer."

I smile a little despite my bleak mood. "And put you to even more trouble than I have? No thank you. I already don't know how to pay you back."

"You don't have to pay me back Asuka. Although..."

She falls silent for a moment...before continuing, "I would...appreciate it...if you could...tell me a little bit...about what's happened."

I remain silent for a long time after that.

"You don't...have to tell me everything Asuka. In fact...well...um...Shinji told me a little bit earlier today, but-"

"What?!" I sit bolt upright, sleep now the furthest thing from my mind.

"Yeah," Hikari sounds a little ashamed of herself. "I kinda badgered him into telling me."

I suppose I should realize that if Hikari is still okay with me living here, that he couldn't have told her anything too bad, but still...the fear is there...and it's overpowering.

"Well...um, anyway," Hikari begins nervously, "Shinji told me that...he told me about you two...kissing."

At this point, I don't know what to say...and even if did, I don't know that I could get the words out. So, I choose to say nothing...

"And he told me...um, what happened afterwards."

My stomach might as well have burst open, given how it feels right now. Just how much of 'what happened' is she aware of?!

 _If she reacts as you fear she will...just remember that you deserve it. Just as you yourself said about Shinji when he dared to try and understand you and your actions towards him last night...'you've brought this on yourself'._

"How...how much...did he..." I physically can't finish the question.

"He told me...well...that you two had a fight. Or rather, that you started yelling at him...and that you screamed, 'I hate you', at him. And when he tried to ask you why, you started saying a bunch of other horrible things, until he ran out of the room. He didn't tell me everything you said though...or where he ran off to."

He...didn't tell her everything then? But why? If he had...he could've turned Hikari against me, and paid me back for everything I did in a heartbeat...

Could it be that a part of him...

 _...still cares enough about you not to turn your only real friend against you?_

'He fears your wrath...as he should...'

"He specifically said that I should ask you to give me your side of things for the more specific details though," adds Hikari.

'...'

 _You were saying?_

So he...specifically told Hikari to ask for my side of what happened...even after last night...and today...

After what Hikari witnessed in the hallway, I'm sure she'd have believed him if he had railed against me and told her every awful thing I said...and told her that what I said had nearly pushed him to-...I...I can't even bear to say it to myself...

Knowing that he chose not to turn Hikari against me should make me feel better...but it doesn't. Not in the slightest.

'Don't get all bent out of shape over this! He had a perfectly logical reason other than fear of your anger. After all, how else would he get rid of you if he made Hikari hate you and refuse to take you in?'

 _Then you'd have been forced to live alone in one of the rooms in NERV HQ. And you'd have no one left...no one left at all..._

"Asuka?"

I snap out of my fugue to see Hikari staring down at me, her head peeking over the side of her bed.

"Not now Hikari," I whisper, turning away.

"Asuka," she says coaxingly, "You don't have to tell me if you really don't want to. I think I kind of get the gist of what might have been said anyway. But...you should know...I really think it would take some of the weight off your shoulders if you confided in me. You really...shouldn't let something like this weigh you down and build up. It's only going to hurt you more."

She's right of course...not that it makes confiding in her and revealing just how fucked up my actions and words were any easier.

"Look, sometimes...sometimes we all say things awful things we don't really mean, even to...", she falls silent for a moment...almost as if recalling something from her own past. "...especially to the people we love the most."

My breath catches in my lungs, and I almost fail to suppress the reflex to sit bolt upright.

'What...did she just say?'

 _Especially to the people we love the most..._

"I-I don't-"

It...i-it's just a general statement. It doesn't mean that she's suggesting-

"Asuka, look," Hikari cuts across gently, "Everyone knows. At least I do anyway."

'No! This is all wrong! She can't-...I-I mean, th-there's no way! Sh-she's wrong! I'd never-'

 _Hikari...she always was smart enough to know better than most. That's probably one reason you took to her so readily as a friend, and deemed her worthy. She's honest enough to earn your trust, and intelligent enough not to exasperate or bore you to death._

So...Hikari really does know...

I wonder how long she's-

'Knows what?! Just what do you think you're admitting to?!'

I-I can't do this right now...

"Hikari?"

"Y-yes Asuka?"

"Listen..." I pause for a long moment before continuing, "I...well..."

Come on, just spit it out!

"If there's any one person in my life who's earned the right to a full explanation...it's you."

I sit up once more, and turn to face her, as I go on, "I'm not...I can't tell you yet. I don't think I can keep my head if I try to tell you everything now. But...when I am ready...I'll...I'll tell you. I'll tell you...everything."

Unable to keep looking at her, I turn away again. "What I can tell you...is that I'm a terrible person. Don't argue!"

For at those last words, Hikari began to interrupt to protest.

"Just...listen."

And she falls silent.

"You know...I'm sure...that I'm not the nicest person. I'm kind of a bitch to everyone except you and Kaji. And honestly, I haven't always been very nice to you either. I still think about the first words I said to you, and how much worse things would be now if you hadn't persisted in trying to befriend me."

My first words to Hikari had been arrogant and coolly dismissive as opposed to viciously abrasive or scathing...but still, I found it surprising, even then, that she had persisted in making my acquaintance. Thankfully for both of us, she had proven to be better company than my superficial first impression of her had implied she would be.

"I still...I honestly can't figure out why you didn't just walk away from me then. It would've been better for you. Even after that day, I haven't always been as nice to you as I should've been. And today, in the hallway...I..."

I wish I could shrink myself down to nothing right now.

"I'm sorry. I never apologized for any of those things, and yet...here you are, letting me live here...because I'm such a horrible person that even my doormat of a fellow Eva pilot can't stand to be around me anymore. So..."

I clench my blanket tightly in my fists. "I'm sorry...for everything."

For a long time, neither of us say anything. Then, after what feels like hours...

"I accept your apology Asuka. But..."

The momentary relief I felt when she accepted my apology is shattered by that last word, and I watch her with baited breath as she goes on...

"...apologizing to me isn't just going to magically fix everything. You know that don't you?"

She pauses for a moment, as if she knows that I won't like what she says next. "You need to apologize to Shinji too. Both for what happened last night, and what you did today. I know you're sorry...but he needs to know that too."

...

"Well, Asuka? You're not going to sit there and tell me you don't seriously owe him an apology, are you?"

'No way! Apologizing to Hikari is one thing, but-'

 _It's because you're afraid. You saw the way he looked at you today...and you're scared of him._

And I am...I can't even deny that anymore...

 _He looked so much like his father right then..._

Even so...I know Hikari's right. And not even she knows just how much. Maybe once I've apologized to him...telling her everything won't be so hard.

'Well fine! If apologizing is what it takes to get some stupid closure on this whole mess...then do what you have to. Then it'll be done, over with, and settled...and we won't have to deal with the idiot anymore.'

"I'll...try."

Even in the dark, I can almost see Hikari's face harden in resolve. "No, you won't."

I gape at her, barely able to contain how surprised and yet impressed I am at this newfound defiance in Hikari.

"None of this, 'I'll try' business. You either will...or you will not."

Despite her no-nonsense tone, she looks away, seeming slightly embarrassed by her own fowardness. "I'm...still your friend no matter what, even if you say 'you won't'. But know this...I'll be genuinely disappointed in you. I KNOW you have it in you to do the right thing, and if you don't...you'll be hurting yourself just as much as you hurt him."

Despite the deepening darkness of the room as a cloud passes over the moon outside, I turn my face to hide the faint smile curling my lip.

"Alright. You win Hikari. I...I will. When I'm ready to, anyway. It'll be better for everyone if I don't rush this." I turn back to her. "Fair enough?"

I see her silhouette nod in agreement. "Yes. But I AM holding you to your word now. And also, you WILL tell me everything that happened eventually. Don't think apologizing is going to get you out of that. Take as long as you need...but make sure you do it."

Afterwards, we wish each other 'goodnight' and go to sleep, or rather...at least she does.

Long after her breathing has become the slow and even whispers that signify dreamless, untroubled sleep, I continue to lie awake...

But eventually, physical exhaustion overrides the furious churning of emotions and thoughts that robbed me of sleep the night before. And for a short time I escape the leaden weight of what I've done, outside the charred walls of my own personal hell.

I don't remember falling asleep, but the scenes I witness...that I run towards with my arms wide open...only there could anything be so wonderful.

 _Shinji...I don't want this to end..._


	42. The Greener Grass (pt4)

AN: FINALLY! IT IS OCTOBER 15th IN THIS STORY NO LONGER!

I may do a twirl later when no one is watching...

Anyways, here's a very short Shinji passage. I'll do one more after this one, and that will be it for the rest of the week.

•1:18 AM, Friday October 16, 2015

It's been awhile since Misato came in and said goodnight before going off to bed herself; now, all is dark and silent in the living room.

'Well...today was fucking eventful.'

First, Asu-...sorry, I mean Sohryu...plows into me in the middle of the hallway, and then aside from acting just plain weird about the whole thing, she had the gall to bitch about me to Hikari...and then yelled at HER too! I mean, Hikari's her best friend! What'd she even do wrong?

'Well isn't it obvious? Hikari stood up for you. That's reason enough for Sohryu to start bitching at anyone, no matter who it is.'

Though...she is apparently still moving in with Hikari. I guess they must have made up at some point. Not really sure if that's in Hikari's best interest or not.

'Ugh, why didn't you just tell Hikari the full story? Surely even Hikari would be appalled. Maybe then, you could've saved Hikari the headache of having to deal with such an insufferable harpie. And of course...then Sohryu would learn what it's like to have no one...no one that cares anyway.'

Given that both Kaji and Misato seem to highly disapprove of what As-, Sohryu did to me, she might have damaged her relationship with both of them...well, at least Misato. And at school...even I know that the only person who really cares about her is Hikari. Everyone else either tolerates her out of fear or because they want to bask in her glamour by hanging around her. At least if one is to believe the kind of things I've heard her so-called friends and admirers say about her behind her back, there's not one person except the Class Rep that doesn't find her unpleasant and intolerable.

But...could I really put anyone through that? Even her? I'm not sure I could...I-I never even realized how awful and lonely it really was until...until Misato took me in, and I realized that maybe others...really do care.

'Well...she'd deserve it. But she's not even worth the time or effort anyway.'

I frown into the darkness.

'Right?'

The image of her smile, that one she gave me after I stopped her from falling back into the magma of Mount Asuma, swims before my eyes...just as it always has, ever since that day...even as the merciful wings of sleep begin to claim me at last.

'If only I could convince myself that's how I really feel. Maybe it wouldn't still hurt so much...'


	43. The Greener Grass (pt5)

AN: Alrighty, this here is the last one until next Tuesday. It goes without saying, but after this, the posts will slow down considerably. Some weeks will see only one update (7.13, 7.16, and 7.17 specifically are the ones that will be posted alone).

On the schedule I have worked out, Chapter 7 will be fully uploaded here by the second week of December. Hopefully, I'll have Chapter 8 done by then.

So, without further ado, here's the remaining member of the Pilot trio who has yet to make an appearance this chapter. Take it away Ms. Ayanami :)

•5:00 AM

My eyes open as awareness begins to seep into my brain and less than a minute later, I am sitting up upon the mattress, pushing the covers off.

Normally, I have no compulsion whatsoever to look at the clock...I know what time I awaken; the same time I have awakened regularly since I was brought into this world; 0500, without fail. But as this is a place that is...unfamiliar to me, I must ensure that my routine has not been compromised.

Looking at the time on my cellular phone, I am relieved to see that I have awakened at precisely the correct hour. And without further hesitation, proceed to ready myself for the day.

I exit the unfamiliar bedroom, and proceed into the unfamiliar hallway, making my way to the unfamiliar bathroom of this unfamiliar apartment.

Walking over the threshold, I feel the soft warmth of the carpet on my bare feet turn to the smooth coolness of ceramic tile. Only as I make to close the door do I briefly hesitate...

Normally, I care little for how hard or noisily I close or open doors. But excessive noise could awaken the others who share this space.

It is a strange feeling...the thought that others sleep in and occupy while awake the same residence as myself...though I am told the current arrangement shall be temporary.

Still, I am not sure I find it...unpleasant...only unusual. But if those who share this space with me for the time being are Ikari and Major Katsuragi, then I have no qualm. I could not say the same if asked to share living quarters with Pilot Sohryu, though I would do so if ordered to.

It's at this moment that I realize I've paused mid-motion, my hand still resting on the door. In my haste to return to my routine, I nearly slam it shut...only to stop at the last second.

Poking my head out the doorway, I look to where Major Katsuragi's room is, then towards the living room where, I know, Ikari is likely still sleeping.

'They have not yet awakened and will likely not appreciate being awakened by excessive noise.'

Though...I cannot understand why they would not choose to awaken at the break of the daylight. Doing so would be the most efficient use of their time, particularly if there were to be some manner of emergency, such as the arrival of the Twelfth Angel, which could occur at any time.

It surprises me in particular that Major Katsuragi seems content to sleep until the later hours of morning. Although...

'Truthfully, she always did come across as being...lax. Not in general necessarily, but...at least in ways that are unusual for a military officer, such as her allowance of the First and Second Children to call her by her first name, her utter disorganization when dealing with paperwork (so I've been told), and her excessive consumption of alcohol. Granted, she refrains from that last activity when on official duty...but as an Angel could attack at any given moment, it would be far more professional for her to abstain entirely.'

Nonetheless, I have little reason to doubt or question her competence. She has led us to victory in every one of our battles and has proven to be highly resourceful and clever in exactly the unconventional way that would benefit the chief tactician of such a war as this.

With that thought, I elect to take extra care to close the door as quietly as possible, so as not disturb the sleep of my companions. And as I walk about the bathroom; first towards the toilet, then towards the shower, I do so with as little noise as possible, only forced to break the silence when flushing the former and turning on the tap of the latter.

A moment later, after properly regulating the water temperature to a safe and comfortable medium, I step into the curtain of water, allowing it to enfold me completely.

Once fully immersed, the feeling is...

The sigh that escapes my open mouth is nearly involuntary. Have I missed the ability to take a private hot shower that much?

I allow myself a small smile, as I think to myself, 'Unless I am ordered to...I will not willingly relinquish this luxury again.'

I mean, even after the hot water was cut off in my apartment building in the wake of the mass exodus following the appearance of the Third and Fourth Angels, I could take one at NERV. But it wasn't the same...

The showers there were public...a large stone and tile room with faucets and taps sticking from the wall in a row. It's not that I really mind being naked in front of others, but...there's something about the cloistering effect of a private shower that I find far more enjoyable than simply washing myself in the open.

It's not that I was unable to enjoy a shower if it was cold...indeed, my stifling apartment (and indeed it is only after spending the last nine hours in this apartment and spending the night that I realize just HOW poorly ventilated my own home was) often made cold showers a necessity.

Still...until now, I had no idea just how much I'd missed having the choice. And cold showers often took a long while to get comfortable in, even when my apartment was at its most suffocating. And now that I have that option...

For a long time I just stand here, basking in this glorious immersion, reveling in the unique privacy and intimacy with one's own mind and self that can only be found in the amniotic tranquility of cascading water. For once, I find myself neither knowing nor caring how much time is passing in the world beyond the curtain; lost in thought...thoughts of blissful nothingness.

Eventually though, I do begin to clean myself and some time later, I push the curtain aside and reach for the towel I placed nearby beforehand. Once dry, I exit the bathroom, taking care to walk as quietly past the living room as possible, determined not to prematurely wake Ikari, and proceed to the kitchen, thinking of checking the clock in there.

It occurs to me, as I cross the threshold into the kitchen, that I very well could have returned to Ikari's bedroom to check the time, as it was closer...

'Being here is...odd. It's so different from my own apartment. My new surroundings must be throwing off my routine more than I thought.'

Checking the time on the microwave, I am astonished to find that the time is now 0604.

'Just...how long was I in there for?'

Normally by now, unless ordered otherwise, I would be on my way to school. I had always been instructed to leave my apartment early in the morning, and never to take public transport when there were large crowds aboard. As such, leaving my apartment early was a necessity to meet both requirements.

'I suppose now, with the fact that Major Katsuragi can drive, and the closer proximity of the school to this location, that I needn't trouble myself with my old routine here. And also, I don't think Major Katsuragi would shirk her obligation to ensuring we get to school on time. In any case, there's little else I can do but sit quietly until the others awaken.'

As I prepare to turn around and make my way back to Ikari's room, I hear sudden mechanical hiss from behind. Turning around quickly in alarm, I am greeted by the sight of a large...penguin.

Strolling out of the small door on the side of the second refrigerator, the odd creature waddles beside me...before turning to regard me, it seems, with an unusually bright curiousity.

I tilt my head to the side, pensively wondering what the strange bird finds so intriguing about me. Perhaps that it has never seen me here before at such an early hour?

The penguin tilts it's own head in response with a tiny "wark." The way the sound comes out, it resembles one asking a polite question.

For reasons unknown even to myself, I decide to 'answer'. "Major Katsuragi deemed my living accommodations unacceptable, so she has offered me a place here until the neighboring apartment can be made ready for me."

To my surprise, the penguin nods its head with another "wark", as if it understood perfectly what I just said, before waddling away towards the bathroom, a newspaper folded under its flipper.

'What a peculiar creature', I think to myself, a sentiment that only magnifies when I hear the toilet flushing.

Deciding to put distance between my imagination and its instinctive need to envision just how a penguin could use a toilet, I search around the kitchen for a distraction...any distract-

My eyes fall upon a small, colorful-looking book entitled **_'Children's Crusade'_**. Deciding that one distraction is as good as the next, I retrieve it, and quickly realize that the contents are not printed words, but illustrations...highly over the top illustrations.

Part of me wants to dismiss what I'm seeing and reading as absurd, but...I find it impossible to put the book down...at least not until I've finished it.

'That was...surprisingly entertaining and intriguing, though...it seemed incomplete. The end did not wrap up all the relevant plot points, and the beginning made little sense to me. I suppose there must be other books before and after that one. I suppose that I will need to ask Ikari if he has the other books, given that I assume this one in his.'

It's only as I put the book aside that I notice just how much time has elapsed. Looking at the time, I see that it is now 0716.

Despite my gratitude for Major Katsuragi and Ikari's hospitality, I can't help but feel a twinge of disapproval at how late they've chosen to sleep. I must start preparing my lunch if I'm to be ready on time. I wanted to avoid making noise, and also to wait for Ikari to show me where everything is, as well as make sure he and Major Katsuragi knew what I required to prepare an adequate meal...but if they have not yet awakened, then perhaps it is time to dispense with that courtesy.

I'm halfway out of the chair, feeling a little stiff from sitting for so long in an uncushioned seat when, at last, I hear the sound of carpet muffled footsteps approaching from the living room. In walks Ikari, rubbing his bleary eyes and yawning widely.

Turning to face him, I quietly address him. "Ikari."

"Oh, good morning R-," he stops mid-greeting as his eyes widen massively.

I tilt my head curiously, wondering why Ikari is suddenly acting so strangely...though he at least seems to be fully awake now.

"Pilot Ikari? Is...something wrong?"

In response, he blushes a deep, incandescent red and averts his eyes, stammering incoherently. It's largely the same way he acted the one time he came into my apartment and accidentally fell on top of me.

Just then, I hear another set of footsteps approaching. 'Good, Major Katsuragi is awake. Perhaps she will know the reason for Pilot Ikari's odd behavior.'

"Ahhhh...hey you two," the approaching voice of Major Katsuragi yawns groggily. "Glad that you're both awa- GOOD GRIEF REI! WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!"


	44. The Greener Grass (pt6)

AN: Well, it's updatin' time :)

Here we have Misato's only POV in this chapter (quite a change from the previous chapter where Misato had a bunch [seven, I think?] of POV).

•7:24 AM

After several minutes, Rei returns, fully clothed, to the kitchen.

"Sit down Rei," I say in a stern, though hopefully not unkind voice.

She does so, looking mildly perplexed. "Have I done something...wrong, Major Katsuragi?"

As I suspected, this is probably just the result of her having NO social skills, so...no need to get angry.

'Still...we can't have this happening again either.'

"Can you tell me why you were traipsing around my apartment in your birthday suit?"

Rei blinks, looking utterly nonplussed. "Birthday suit? I do not understand. What is a 'birthday suit'?"

I find myself temporarily stunned into silence.

'I know she's a bit naive, but I didn't expect her to completely miss that euphemism.'

"In any case," Rei continues, still looking innocently perplexed, "My birthday is not until the first of November. And if I was wearing nothing...how could I be wearing a 'birthday suit', even if I had acquired one prematurely?"

There's another moment of silence following that, where I feel torn between a compulsion to face palm myself as hard as I can...and a desire to laugh my ass off. Deciding that the latter might come across as insulting to the earnestly confused Rei...and the that former would probably just hurt a lot...I settle for a dignified sigh.

From anyone else, Rei's words might have sounded fresh...but I know by now that Rei has the about the same sense of humor as a kumquat...and would certainly never backsass a superior officer. This just seems to be a genuine ignorance of domestic etiquette on her part.

"Rei," I say patiently, "'Birthday suit' is figure of speech. Wearing your 'birthday suit' means that you're naked."

"Oh." Rei immediately seems to comprehend. "Yes, I see now. Humans are born naked, so..."

She smiles softly, as if she finds the revealed meaning of the analogy mildly amusing...before looking confused once more. "Then...I do not understand why I am being rebuked Major Katsuragi?"

Once again, if it were anyone else, I'd think they were just playing dumb or yanking my chain to be funny...but Rei looks genuinely confused, and perhaps even worried.

"Well," I go on, deciding to get directly to the point, "You were walking around my apartment naked. You're not supposed to do that."

But at this, Rei looks even more confused. "You, Ikari, and Pilot Sohryu don clothing within your own home at all times? Even when not entertaining company?"

There's a moment of quiet before Shinji at last breaks his silence. "Rei, are you saying that...when you're at home...you don't wea-" he stops short, his face blushing furiously again, having just realized exactly what he was about to ask.

"Yes Rei," I tell her, deciding to keep things simple and to the point. "Wearing clothes at all times is the rule rather than the exception."

"I see," Rei replies, eyes looking down sheepishly. "Please forgive my mistake. It will not happen again."

"It's okay Rei," Shinji speaks up before I can reply, seeming eager to jump to her defense. "You didn't know." He looks over at me with a pointed, though slightly nervous, expression. "I'm sure Misato understands...um, right?"

"That's my call to make Shinji," I say in a chiding voice, but unable to suppress a slight smirk. "But yes, I agree. No harm done here."

Rei nods once more, looking somewhat relieved...and also as though she's just realized something. "So...that's why...", she turns to look at Shinji, "That's why you acted so strangely that day back in July when you came to my apartment."

Shinji's face, which had just been returning to its normal color, immediately turns scarlet once more. "R-Rei! D-did you have to bring th-that up?!"

I almost instinctively ask 'what' is being brought up...before putting two and two together.

'Oh dear. No wonder he got more embarrassed than usual when I teased him by asking 'how it went at Rei's place' after he got home that night.'

Suppressing the urge to snigger out loud, I turn to look at Shinji. "So, this isn't the first time this has happened?"

He, seemingly rendered speechless with mortified embarrassment, simply shakes his head without looking up.

"It's okay Shinji, you're not in trouble," I reassure him. "It's not like anything inappropriate was going on, right?"

"...umm...n-no, not r-really."

I straighten up a little and fix him with a hard stare. The hesitation in his response was not lost on me.

"Shinji," I ask in a light...yet slightly dangerous voice, "Is there something you're not telling me?"

Given that he seems to suffer from a perpetual guilt complex, it's probably nothing to worry about...but better safe than sorry. Speaking of which...

I turn back to Rei, noticing as I do so that she is eying Shinji with slight confusion...and perhaps even concern.

"Rei?" She immediately turns to face me. "Can you explain what happened that day?"

'Better to ask her than Shinji...who I know will take at least an hour to muddle through an utterly incoherent response riddled with apologies every other word. Rei might not fully comprehend the reason for the question, given just how sheltered she seems to be...but I know that if I simply ask her to relay the exact set of events that took place, she will do so in dutifully literal fashion.'

Several minutes and a detailed but brief explanation later, I have to resist the urge to cackle again. I really would...but Shinji looks about ready to die of shame alrea-

'Die...'

The memory of what almost happened to him the night before last completely flatlines any desire I have to laugh at his comedic misadventure in Rei's apartment.

It also makes me wonder...

'Is it possible that my constant teasing has been taking a toll on him too? I always just saw it as a way to loosen him up...and also as harmless fun at his expense...but now-'

My thoughts are interrupted, however, by the sound of the doorbell.


	45. The Greener Grass (pt7)

AN: Alrighty folks, it's Thursday...so have another update!

There will be one more for this week, and the next one will come your way on Saturday.

For now though, here are the Stooges, specifically the debut POV of Mr. Suzuhara (speaking of which, I had been misspelling his name a lot in the early chapters. I apologize for that).

•7:26 AM

Seems like today will be just like any other day in Tokyo 3...hot...and by the feel of the air this morning, unusually so for mid-October. Even this early in the day, I can already feel the pressure cooker of an afternoon in the works.

I scowl at the thought of having to plow my way through the heaping pile of bullshit they call 'school'. 'The thought of stewing inside that classroom through that fucking geezer's gajillionth lecture about the Second Impact makes me want to take a leaf out of Shinji's book.'

I stop walking at that last bit. 'Man...I was a dick yesterday.'

I mean, I was kind of annoyed that Shinji confided in the Class Rep, while either brushing off or flat out ignoring me and Kensuke, just like he did everyone else. Then when people started asking if something was going on between her and Shinji...

'I don't know why...but something about that thought just made me...pissed for some reason.'

Why though?

'Eh, probably because the pig-tailed tyrant would have a doormat like Shinji completely carpetbagged within a week, if not less.'

On that note, I should probably keep an eye on the two of them; you know...make sure Shin-man doesn't do something he'll regret later.

I chuckle a little to myself. 'Boy Shin-man, what would you do without me to watch out for your ass?'

After all, who could stand up to that commanding presence, that bossy voice, those lovely dark blue eyes, and who could forget those adorable freckle-

'Wait a minute...WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?! GAAAAH!'

Quick, think of something manly! MANLY THOUGHTS! Motorcycles! Steak! Babes!

 _You mean like the Class Rep?_ quips a sly inner voice.

Yeah...just like-...wait, WHAT?! I don't...she's not-...I-I mean, she's nice...uh, at least sometimes...and give it a few years, she'll probably look pretty damn-...wait, WHY AM I-

"Ey, slowpoke!" The sound of Kensuke's voice mercifully cuts through my inner dilemma.

"Huh? What?"

I look up to see that Kensuke's stopped a few meters in front, looking as if he's been waiting for me to catch up.

"You started falling behind and muttering to yourself," he tells me. "The heat getting to you, buddy?"

 _In a manner of speaking, y-_

'Quiet you!'

"Uh yeah," I answer, not quite meeting his eye as we continue to walk. "Heat. That's all. Nothing to worry about."

"Hmmm." Kensuke gives me a narrow-eyed look that says he isn't buying what I'm selling. But before he can start to ask prodding questions...

"Hey, we're here," I say pointing over his shoulder. He looks around to look at the apartment's entrance, having nearly walked past it.

"Oh, so we are."

"Pfft. Dumbass," I scoff jokingly, earning a withering look from Kensuke, who walks over to the elevator muttering something about a pot and a kettle.

As the door closes behind us, I decide to say something that's been bothering me since we first decided to walk over here. "Hey, Ken..."

"Hmm?" Kensuke looks up and over at me. "What is it Toji?"

"Do you..." I pause for a moment, before going on, "Do you think Shinji's still pissed at us from yesterday?"

Kensuke turns away, looking a little troubled. "He was pretty angry. I...honestly don't know."

The elevator doors open, and we walk out.

"He just up and fucking walked out of school," I say. And though I'd normally say something like that with reverence for whoever had done it, given who I'm talking about, all I feel is unnerved. "I never figured he'd have the stones to do that."

"Wouldn't have the st-," Kensuke replies, sounding incredulous. "Toji, you do realize that he fights Angels...as in kaiju monsters...right?"

"I know," I answer hurriedly. "But it's not really the same thing. You know what I mean, right?"

Kensuke turns away with a thoughtful, pondering expression. Perhaps a minute later, he says, "Yeah, I think I get what you mean."

By then, we've reached the door. Me and Kensuke exchange a look...then nod at the same time, before turning to face the door. Kensuke, closer to the doorbell, pushes the button, and we wait.

A moment later, the door slides open, and a beautiful woman with violet hair stands in front of us.

"Good morning, Ms. Misato," I say awkwardly, inwardly cursing my inability to hide the rising blush.

"Oh, hello boys," she replies with a winning smile. "If you're waiting for Shinji, he'll be out in a minute."

She turns her head to the side and calls down the hallway, "Shinji! Rei! Mr. Suzahara and Mr. Aida are here!"

I hear Shinji stammer out a reply from somewhere inside.

It's a moment before either of us realize the oddity in our morning regime.

Kensuke, seeming to have noticed it before me, begins to ask, "Wait! Did she say R-"

But the moment he reaches her name, Rei Ayanami herself walks out the door past Misato. She regards both me and Kensuke with her usual blank expression and says nothing as she waits silently for Shinji to follow her outside.

"Ayanami?" Kensuke asks, sounding as confused as I feel.

The blue-haired girl turns to face him, red eyes locking unblinkingly with his. Most people would recoil at least a little, me included...but Kensuke manages to look back without flinching.

"What?" she asks. From anyone else, the one-word question would have sounded rude or angry. But from her, it just sounds...like a question.

"Uh, well...it's just-," Kensuke starts to ask.

"Since when do you live here?" I cut in, deciding to get straight to the point.

Ayanami turns to regard me. "I do not live here." She points over my shoulder to the next apartment door down. "Starting tonight, I will be living there."

"Oh, I see," Kensuke responds sounding even more confused. "What brought that about?"

The girl turns back to Kensuke. "Major Katsuragi deemed my original living quarters unsuitable. But as my new home could not be prepared on such short notice, she brought me to back to her and Ikari's apartment to spend the night."

"Ah, okay. That makes sense," replies Kensuke.

"Bet the Red Demon wasn't happy about that, huh?" I add in, knowing about the dislike Her Highness, Princess Krautbitch has for her fellow female pilot.

Kensuke winces slightly, though with a slight smirk.

Rei however, narrows her eyes ominously. For someone whose face is usually so blank, the subtle change is absolutely chilling, and the hot morning air suddenly seems rather cold after all. "Pilot Sohryu no longer resides here."

"What?!" We cry in unison.

"But, why?" Kensuke questions.

Ayanami looks over her shoulder, back into the doorway. "I know not in what way specifically...but she has somehow caused significant harm to Ikari." Her voice, which had been nearing icy coldness with every syllable, suddenly softens as she says, "I can think of no other reason they would be separated."

Kensuke and I share a worried look. We've always known that Asuka was unpleasant at the best of times, but...

'Would she...actually hurt Shin-man for real?'

"Are you talking about what happened in the hallway at school yesterday?" I ask.

Ayanami turns, unusually sharply, to face me once more. "What do you know of this incident?"

"Uh..." I answer stupidly, trying to recover from Ayanami's unusual displays of actual emotion. "Well, I-"

But at that moment, Shinji emerges from the doorway, looking around at all three of us. I notice that he looks at me and Kensuke with a mixture of embarrassment and guilt.

"H-hey guys," he says quietly. "I'm sorry to have kept you all waiting."

"Eh, don't worry about it Shin-man," I tell him, waving my arm. "I drag my feet before having to go to school too."

"Yeah, no kidding," Kensuke grumbles, no doubt thinking about all the times I've caused us both to be late.

"Hey!" I snap back, though not as if I'm actually annoyed, "You know you don't HAVE to wait for me!"

"Ha!" Kensuke scoffs back, "If I didn't, you'd NEVER be on time EVER, and then your dumb ass would..."

I just tune him out, having heard all this before.

"Blah blah blah detention," he goes on.

But looking over at Shinji, I see him having what looks to be a serious conversation with Misato.

"Blah blah expelled blah..."

'My god, is he still going on over there?' I think to myself offhandedly as I watch Shinji nod his head in response to a question from Misato. She looks a little less worried than she did before...but not much...as Shinji turns away to rejoin us. Once he does, the four of us begin to walk our way to the hell known only as 'school'. Behind us, Misato shouts a hurried 'goodbye' before turning to go back into the apartment and shutting the door.

And as we walk to the elevator, Kensuke is still mouthing off, "Blah blah blah Class Rep would hunt you down and make you her bitch!"

"Wait, what?!" That last part definitely got through.

"You heard me Toji," Kensuke says smugly. "And you know it's true. Right Shinji? Are you with me on this?"

"Huh, what?" Shinji starts at the sound of his name, having obviously been lost in his thoughts until that moment.

But since I don't want this conversation to go on any further, I decide to change the subject. "Speaking of bitches," I say with an emphasis on the last word, "What's going on with the Red Demon? Why doesn't she live with you anymore?"

Shinji's face goes white as a sheet at the mention of Asuka, and I feel a stab of guilt at how pushy I got with him on the subject yesterday.

"Was it really that bad, Shin-man?" I don't ask him in a mocking way. I really mean the question the way it sounds.

Shinji responds with a tiny nod. Then he says, "I-I'm sorry. I m-mean...it's not like it's the end of the world but...it's just hard...to have to...well...e-explain everything. Misato, Kaji, and Ms. Horaki know...but I don't really want to bring it up again. I'm sorry."

"But..." I start to say, but Kensuke gives me a warning look. Drawing back a little, I go on, "Well Shin-man, that's your call to make. Just tell me one thing though."

Shinji tenses up, but nods for me to continue...so I do so.

"Why the Class Rep? I mean, I get telling Kaji and Misato. But why the pig-tailed tyrant of all people? She's the Demon's best friend, ya know?"

Shinji looks down at the ground as he walks. It's a few minutes before he finally answers, "She stood up to Asuka."

"She did WHAT?!" both me and Kensuke yell at the same time.

"Yeah," Shinji replies softly. "Asuka and me kind of ran into each other in the hallway. Like...she literally bumped into me by accident. To Hikari, I guess...it looked like Asuka had pushed me down on purpose. She was wrong, but still..." he pauses for a moment, before going on, "The fact that she was willing to call out her best friend...even if that person was Asuka...I just...when Hikari asked me what was wrong with both me and Asuka...she just...seemed so worried. And I...felt like I maybe owed her an explanation since she was willing to risk her friendship with Asuka to help me."

Hmmm. Well I guess that makes sense...though, it's not like me and Ken aren't worried too. Guess it doesn't matter though...I've seen (and so did the rest of our class) what happens when you push Shinji too far.

Of course, I've known for a good four months now just how frightening his rage can be. When he fought that one Angel...uh, Shamshel I think he called it afterwards...out of nowhere, he completely ignored Misato's order to retreat...and started screaming bloody murder when he charged the damn thing. He didn't even stop when it stabbed him...or rather, his Eva...TWICE through the gut with those weird laser tentacles it had. And when you consider the fact that Shinji seemed able to feel the pain in his own body, it should have stopped him cold...it barely even slowed him down. Then he fucking shanked it with that knife thing and kept screaming with rage until he killed it dead!

If he hadn't started to cry after the fight was over, I might honestly have been too scared to befriend him later. Still, it's not like I've ever forgotten it...who could?

We walk in silence for a few more minutes, before...

"I...I-I really don't mean to make you guys feel like I don't trust you," Shinji says nervously. "It's not like that. In fact..." he hesitates for a moment, as if trying to convince himself to do something he'd rather not do, but soon enough he goes on, "If you really want to know, you're welcome to ask Ms. Horaki what I've told her."

My ever gloomy friend looks away again, and down at his feet as he walks. "I don't really mind you knowing, I just...don't want to have to repeat it again."

"Alright," I tell him, "Fair enough I guess."

In front of us, Kensuke nods his own agreement...as does Ayanami, who then asks, "Do you mean to say that this incident in the hallway was not the cause for Asuka's banishment from Major Katsuragi's home? There was another encounter with Pilot Sohryu before or after?"

It takes Shinji awhile to answer, but eventually he nods...though does not offer any further explanation.

'Well Shin-man, you may not want to tell us what happened,' I think to myself, 'But I really hope this shows you that you're not alone here.'

I look over at Ayanami. 'Even she's not bothering to hide that she's worried about you.'

As we walk, I tighten my hands into fists. 'And as for you, kraut bitch...I don't know what's happened...I don't know what you did...but you'd best hope that someone like the Class Rep still has your back if you even think about coming near my friend again.'

Soon enough, the school comes into view in the distance, and we continue our journey towards it in tense silence.


	46. The Greener Grass (pt8)

AN: Ignore what I said before. I've got this one and one tomorrow. And the 10th segment shouldn't be too far behind that.

Anyway, here's Asuka making a reference to distract herself from them guilty vibes (spoiler: It totally doesn't work).

•8:30 AM

"Stand!"

I stand up.

"Bow!"

I bow.

"Sit!"

I sit down.

The moment the last seat creaks with the return of it's occupant to a sitting position, Mr. Nebukawa straightens up, and opens his mouth.

As if he had cast a spell upon the room, not with the words issuing from between his wrinkled lips...but by merely opening his mouth...the entire atmosphere of the room seems to emanate a miasma of fatigue and misery that only Hikari, and Hikari only, seems to be immune to.

I recall a teacher from a popular book series that I may or may not have read who was just like this old geezer...except he was a ghost. The way the book described it, he was some old guy who died in his sleep...and just went right on teaching...as a ghost. And just like this old windbag, he'd spend the whole class droning monotonously about 'history'...a lot of which is bullshit propaganda.

Seriously, the amount of denial and sidestepping they do about Japan's role in the Impact Wars would be laughable if it weren't so disturbing. That said, Japan is no worse than any other country in that regard...I know they do the same thing in Germany and the United States.

But...back to the point...I can't help but feel that this old fossil would, if ghosts were actually real, come back as one and go on to non-humorously deadpan his endless monologues for all of eternity...if for no other reason than to prevent someone new from taking his place who might, Gott behüte, make the topic of history mildly interesting or engaging.

Normally, I would find this train of thought at least midly amusing, perhaps having to stifle a snigger to avoid being reproached by Hikari...but this morning, I've never felt less like laughing at anything.

It was bad enough before he got here...but when Shinji walked into the room, he was with the Stooges...and...her...

When I looked at them all, she stared at me. If she weren't such an emotionless doll, I'd swear she was glaring at me. If she was, it'd fit right in with the way the Stooges were looking at me. The weird thing is...goofy and pathetic they may be, but when they glare at you, they both seem a lot less silly and foolish.

But the worst was Shinji...

 _Why was he the 'worst?'_

He wouldn't look at me. I know he could see me...and he purposely looked anywhere else but at me as he went to sit down.

'Can you blame him?'

 _Good! Let him look the other way, I don't fucking care!_

'Then why did it feel like someone tried to rip out my stomach when he sat down without looking my way even once?'

If my pride has any retort to that...it chooses to instead remain silent for once.

I try to endure the slow torture that is this class, with only a mostly silent lunch spent with Hikari as my only relief.

'And what's worse...I can't look ahead and pretend to still be paying attention...without seeing him. And having to look at him, remembering everything that's happened...'

I can feel the fist clenching even tighter around my stomach...so much that I have to suppress an urge to heave from the sensation...and I know that if this goes on, then Hikari will have gone to the trouble to make my lunch today for nothing.

'You know what has to be done to put an end to this...'

I'm not ready for that. Please...just give me time!

'It's just going to get worse the longer you wait...'

But...he'd never-...I'm still not even sure that I want-

'That CAN wait. Truthfully, I don't know if there's much hope there anymore. You should still TRY...when you're ready...but for now, focus on the first thing you need to do...'

The fist loosens it's grip on me...but icy cold fear takes it's place.

'You need to apologize...for everything. You know that, don't you?'

If it's the only way to stop this awful feeling...

'But...I can't even begin to...'

And as the day wears on, even after the class is dismissed and everyone but Hikari and myself have left, the same simple yet impossible question hammers fruitlessly against the inside of my skull...

'HOW?!'


	47. The Greener Grass (pt9)

AN: Welp, here's Rei again...

I think y'all are gonna love this one. Have fun :)

•3:23 PM

I exit the bathroom, feeling a sense of grim disappointment. It was my intention to confront Pilot Sohryu this afternoon, and the perfect opportunity had initially presented itself in the form of Pilot Sohryu remaining in the classroom after all others, save for the Class Representative, had exited.

However, I'd been holding back my excrement for nearly an hour before the bell rang, and decided it would be best to confront Sohryu when not distracted by such discomfort.

Deciding that they had likely left by now, and not wanting to keep Ikari, Aida, and Suzahara waiting, I concluded that my mission could wait an additional day. Even more so since Aida said something about wanting to 'celebrate' my moving into a new home.

Personally, I...do not understand why anyone would see fit to celebrate such a thing...but I see no reason not to. The 'celebration' for Major Katsuragi's promotion to her current rank was agreeable enough.

I make my way down to the main exit, where I find the three of them waiting...or rather the four of them; another classmate of ours, Yuko Miyamura, is speaking to Ikari.

Over the din of the students still milling about the hall and entrance, I cannot hear what they are speaking about; but just before I arrive within earshot, Miyamura turns to leave. I notice that she looks rather disappointed, though not gracelessly so, as she directs a smile and a wave over her shoulder at Ikari.

As soon as she as she is out of sight, Suzahara and Aida, who both seemed to be hypnotized by Miyamura's retreating back, turn to Shinji with oddly matching looks of amazed disbelief.

"Shin-man..." Suzahara is saying in a hushed tone.

"Did you just...," Aida continues.

"Get hit on by Miyamura...," the other picks up.

"And turn her DOWN?!" They both cry out in unison.

"She just asked me to walk home with her," Ikari retorts, turning a deeper shade of red. "I don't think it was anything more than that."

Suzahara and Aida promptly look at each other in what seems to be disbelief and...again in that strangely perfect unison...slam their palms into their own faces.

Having just arrived to where they are standing, I decide to inquire after this strange behavior. "Why are you both striking yourselves in the face in such a way?"

Suzahara and Aida turn to face me.

"Because," Suzahara says with a sigh of exasperation, "Shin-man here couldn't take a hint if it came right up and slapped him in the face."

'Oh...I guess that makes...sense?'

"So...you and Aida slapped yourselves in the face to demonstrate to Ikari how to properly 'take a hint'?"

The three of them simply stare at me, blinking in seeming befuddlement as though I've said something strange.

Aida recovers first. "In a way, yes. Actually," he says, looking from Suzahara to Ikari then back to me with an amused smile, "That's a fairly good way of putting it, now I think about it."

"But it still doesn't answer the question," Suzahara continues doggedly. "WHY would you blow off one of the hottest girl in class?!"

"I-...," Ikari is turning ever more violently red as he attempts to sputter out a response. "I-I r-really don't think-" He seems to be second guessing his every word at this point however. "S-she was probably just being nice."

"Oh my god," Suzahara cries out in exasperation. "Shinji, when a girl asks you to walk her home, she's not 'just being nice'! That, and the way she was talking to you yesterday when-..." He abruptly cuts off, and looks rather guilty.

"I do not understand," I chime in, causing all three of the boys to stop and turn to face me. "Why was Ikari wrong to decline Miyamura's request? He is not obligated to her in any way. And she has many friends...surely if Ikari declined, there are others who would assist her willingly."

Once more, Suzahara and Aida stare at me as if I've asked something odd. Ikari, on the other hand, is looking down at the ground, frowning...seemingly lost in thought.

Once again, it is Aida that recovers first. "Well, first of all," he says, looking around at all of us in turn, "We should probably start walking. If we go now, we might still avoid rush hour in the public transit."

"Oh, uh, right," Ikari replies, Aida's words having brought him back from his train of thought. "Yeah, let's get going."

Suzahara and I merely nod our agreement; and with that, we begin to walk away from the school building with Ikari and Suzahara leading the way in front, Aida and I behind them.

"So...", Aida begins to say as he walks beside me to my right.

I turn to look at him, while ensuring that I allow my peripheral vision to keep an ample view of Ikari's back ahead of me. "Yes?"

He clears his throat, before going on, "So you really didn't understand the whole thing with Miyamura back there?"

I think back for a moment, pondering over the interaction that I witnessed. At last I reply, "I understand that Miyamura wanted Ikari to walk with her. And despite having many other friends, she seemed determined to seek out and make the request of Ikari specifically."

I almost expect Aida to look confused once more, but he simply nods silently. I decide to take this as a hint to continue. "What I do not understand," I go on, "Is why you and Suzahara are speaking to Ikari as if he has done something wrong by refusing."

Kensuke frowns slightly. "Well," he answers slowly, "He doesn't HAVE to say yes to her. But..." He shakes his head with deep sigh, "I just don't understand why he WOULDN'T. If a girl like Yūko Miyamura was flirting with me that way, I wouldn't have wasted a moment."

"Flirting?" I ask. I feel like I've heard the word before, and that in the context of this situation I may sort of get the gist of its meaning now...but I elect not to make a potentially erroneous assumption, and allow Aida to answer the unasked, but evident question in my response.

About ten minutes pass in which Aida, after first expressing his genuine shock at my unfamiliarity with this particular social art, proceeds to explain the basic nature of the ritual.

I find myself rather surprised at his knowledgeability on the subject. Going by the comments about him that I've overheard from our classmates, as well as by his own sheepish admission, he seems to have had little personal experience in the matter.

But by comparing his explanations against the representations in media that I had not understood before now, I conclude that he must simply be rather observant.

That said, I decide that if I were ever to need further understanding on the subject, I will consult someone who has likely had more experience. Major Katsuragi, as the most friendly and sociable adult I know personally, seems the logical choice.

'But...considering my purpose...and how the near time approaches for me to fulfill my role...I do not think it matters anyway. Such pursuits are...irrelevant...to the nature of my destiny.'

I suppose that is why, in my education on the nature of human beings, I was taught what attraction to another of my kind would be like when faced with it, while at the same time being sternly instructed on how to suppress or ignore such thoughts and impulses...and later, was prescribed medication to help suppress any residual temptation.

Were it not for these restrictions placed upon me, I might have chosen to pursue the younger Ikari in such a way. While he is not the first for whom these thoughts and impulses have arisen...never can I recall them being stronger elsewhere or for anyone else.

'But again...it is not my destiny to pursue such things.'

Turning back to the conversation, I notice that Aida has stopped speaking, and seems to be looking at me as if waiting for a response; and I do believe a word of gratitude is in order.

"I see. Thank you for explaining."

"Oh...you're...uh, welcome," he replies, and we continue to walk forward in silence.

Meanwhile, up ahead, Ikari and Suzahara occasionally exchange a word or two, but are also rather subdued. Soon enough, we reach the train station; a rather dingy facility just starting to swell with the rush hour crowds...though, due to the drastic decline in the city's population since the Angel attacks began, even the rush hour period is still fairly easy to contend with.

Once on board, the conversation turns to what food and snacks should be purchased before we return to my new apartment. At one point, Suzahara quips that Ikari should have asked Miyamura to join us, justifying the idea by claiming 'the more, the merrier' and blinking one eye pointedly in Ikari's direction.

Ikari simply flushes red once again and askes Suzahara to stop teasing him; at which Suzahara concedes, though not without telling Ikari that he should, at least, 'consider the idea.' Ikari nods and agrees in a way that is clearly noncommittal...although, he does look a bit more thoughtful than he did before once Suzahara turns his attention back to Aida.

At 1558 hours, about a minute late based on the expectation provided by the schedule, the train pulls into our desired stop and we disembark alongside a moderately sizable crowd of people.

As we exit the building, I notice, out of the corner of my eye, an anomaly amongst the dark haired throngs of people...a red anomaly.

Turning to look towards it, I see a girl about my age with a familiar mane of red hair walking off in the opposite direction.

My eyes narrow into slits. I wait about 30 seconds for a moment of opportunity to slip away when the other three would not notice my absence...then, I stop walking as I turn my full attention upon the retreating figure.

There is a hot, bubbling feeling in my stomach...a sensation I have only felt when someone or something has become disagreeable or intolerable to me.

'I suppose this is...anger?'

My hands tighten into fists.

'Pilot Sohryu has injured Ikari in some way. There are no visible marks...but I know that he lied when he claimed not to be hurt...'

I begin to walk quickly towards my new quarry.

'...and I intend to get the answer I seek...'

Quickening my step, it is mere moments before I am within hailing distance of Sohryu and her companion, whom I've only just now noticed is Class Representative Horaki.

'...from the source of the deed herself!'

My hand reaches out, and comes to rest, none to gently, upon the shoulder of Asuka Langley Sohryu.

With a start and small cry of shock, Pilot Sohryu stops walking, and turns to face me, face contorted with anger...until she sees who I am.

Initially, the indignation is clouded by shocked recognition...

But within seconds, the anger returns...but it is different from before.

What was at first surprised annoyance mingled with fear has mutated into something else entirely...something ugly and violent.

"You..." The word comes out as a hiss from between clenched teeth and lips curled into a snarl.

I can be replaced if I should perish, so I do not fear death as others do...but I do fear pain. And all it takes is one look at the way her entire body is quivering with fury to know that Pilot Sohryu would like nothing better than to inflict some on me.

Piercing through my growing disquiet however, is the strengthening of my resolve for answers.

"Pilot Sohryu," I state in a strong, clear voice, "You will tell me at once what you have done to hurt Ikari."


	48. The Greener Grass (pt10)

AN: Here we go...

•4:02 PM

The train's air conditioning was a welcome reprieve from the late afternoon heat...but now the sun, with the last hour it has before being inevitably claimed by the western horizon, beats down with a vengeance, as if to punish us for having dared to escape it before.

But that's not really what's troubling me...

Two sets of eyes stare back at me in my mind's sight. The first pair is round and sensitive, with dark blue irises full of silent pain and unspoken sadness...and seeing those things now, as I never have before...or perhaps, simply did not care to until it was too late...makes me wonder to myself just how much of all that hurt and sorrow is because of me.

'Of course...I'm not stupid. I knew perfectly well I was hurting him plenty of times in the past.'

And I didn't care...sometimes, I even thought it was funny. And somehow in those first few weeks, I had convinced myself he deserved it because _'he's a weak little chickenshit'_ , because _'he's a pathetic loser that_ _people actually call a hero'_ , because _'he needs to learn to man up'_ , because _'he's a boy, and that makes_ _him a pervert and a worthless scumbag from birth by default'_...or because ' _he's a civilian urchin plucked_ _off the street who's showing me up without trying or meaning to'_...or occasionally because _'his whole sweet, helpful 'martyr' act is really starting to piss me off! I know he'll drop it all the moment he gets_ _what he wants from me...the same way everyone else does'_...or sometimes even just because _'I feel like shit...and he doesn't. So, I'm going to fix that in a moment by figuratively putting my foot to his throat while he's down.'_

It had been fun in a truly perverse way...it satisfied me to know that even without threats or actual violence, I could have such power over him. With a few choice words, or even a well placed inflection in my tone of voice, I could make or break his day. Sometimes it was nice to let him have a good day, but other times...

Just seeing how I could make him collapse emotionally without even having to touch him made me feel...powerful...for the first time in a long time. It was...intoxicating...exhilarating...

And it made me forget how weak and useless he could make ME feel just by continuing to exist...

That is...until it didn't work anymore. Oh, I tried alright...but...

'It started as early as the week leading up to the final battle with Israfel.'

There started to be moments...lots of them...where I liked actually seeing him happy.

'But not if it was because of...someone other than me.'

So I kept acting the way I did...sometimes, I think, just so that I could deny the truth to myself...

So that I could tell myself that as long as I could control him...I didn't care how he felt.

'And then...after he saved me from falling into Mount Asama...'

The abuse never really stopped, but it never felt the same after that day. I didn't make me feel powerful anymore, just hollow...and sometimes...sick and disgusted. But I kept doing it. Why?

'Maybe because you wanted to test his limits...and constantly reassure yourself that no matter how horrible you became or later revealed yourself to be...he'd never leave or give up on you.'

 _Well then, it looks like you've got your answer!_ _So what's the big hang up here? Just get over it!_

My pride WOULD ask me that question...

'Because...' The other voice...which has grown stronger since I actually began to heed it's words...responds to the question posed by its old enemy, 'You weren't ready-'

It pauses...and I come to a decision.

'No. No more hiding...'

And...in the same way I once allowed my pride and arrogance to speak with my mouth...I answer with the unspoken words upon the tongue of the voice I once tried so hard to silence and bury in denial...

'Because...I...wasn't ready for this; for how it would feel...for how I would feel...if I did actually succeed in driving Shinji away for good.'

Yes...

Not even the pent up frustration I still feel, even now, towards the Third Child for 'daring' to outshine me as a Pilot is enough to bury the truth of that statement.

However...there is something else I've come to realize as well...

'He really IS better off without me...'

I had been horrified when Kaji suggested to me before that I had failed to see Shinji as a human being like myself...

'The truth is...he was right. Not for the exact reason he might think...but still...'

In the two months that I've known Shinji Ikari, I've seen him as a nuisance, a rival, a comrade, and a usurper. But even worse, I've seen him as...some kind of stress reliever...as a punching bag...and sometimes, in a twisted way, a source of comfort.

Never once did I ever really consider...that he might have needed the same things from me in return. All I could think of was myself; what I could take from him for myself and my own needs and wants.

I've KNOWN that he's a human being...but I've failed to treat him as one.

 _So you admit it then? That he IS better off without you?_

'I do...but I-'

But my thoughts are interrupted by the jolt of a hand landing roughly on my shoulder and trying to tug me back.

With a small cry of shock, I shake the hand off, and then angrily turn to face my potential assailant...and find myself shocked into temporary speechlessness by the identity of my pursuer.

The other pair of eyes that have haunted my thoughts as of late; wide, cold, and expressionless with crimson irises, stare back at me from the face of Rei Ayanami.

But her eyes don't look emotionless now...

If I was unsure earlier whether or not Ayanami was glaring at me...I'm not now. And the sight is disquieting.

But I'm only caught flat footed for a moment...before I feel it.

A powerful, lurching, hot, sick feeling of revulsion...a loathing that feels almost instinctive to me...unlike any anger or grudge I've ever felt towards another human being before or since.

'If indeed Rei Ayanami IS even human...'

As I stare back at her, I remember THAT moment from two nights ago...

The moment it all went wrong...

'Because I saw her...I saw her take-'

I can feel my face contorting horribly, and my throat begins to tighten...trying to hold back a scream of rage and bloodlust...and the inevitable massacre that would follow it.

"You..." I barely recognize the inhuman hiss that I squeeze out between my grinding teeth.

For a moment, I imagine seeing a small flicker of fear pass over Rei's face...but it passes too quickly for me to be sure...and her own expression hardens even more as she opens her mouth and begins to speak.

"Pilot Sohryu." Her voice is louder and clearer than the near-whisper she usually speaks in...and as cold as dead flesh. "You will tell me at once what you have done to hurt Ikari."

Speaking of cold...is it just me...or does it not feel hot out here anymore?

Ignoring the eerie chill, I decide not to engage my opponent. Apart from not wanting to speak of what's happened in front of Hikari who, to my left, is positively gaping at Rei...the last person I feel like sharing such things with, or indeed speaking with at all, is the First Child.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about First." And I turn to leave. "Now get lo-"

But I'm cut off abruptly when Rei grabs my shoulder ever harder than before and forces me to turn around.

Despite my growing unease with her unusually aggressive behavior, I choke it down beneath my growing rage. "Don't you fucking touch me you-"

"Shut. Up."

In my utter shock...I actually do find myself unable to disobey.

Rei closes her eyes, as if struggling to calm herself, before...

Her glare hardens once more. "I find myself...even more disappointed in you than I expected to be."

"Ha," I scoff. "As if I really needed your goddamn approval, Wondergirl."

Trying to ignore the dull ache her dismissive words have made me feel for some inexplicable reason, I continue, "And what concern is the i- Third Child to an emotionless, wind-up doll like you anyway?"

For a moment, Rei's cold anger is fractured with a ripple of...

Could it be...hurt?

'Dolls like her don't have feelings to hurt,' I scold myself.

After a moment, Rei regains her composure. "I am not a doll," she responds frostily. "And Ikari's feelings and well-being matter greatly to me. Much more so, clearly," she continues, her glare intensifying once more, "Than they do to you. This despite the fact that Ikari has been patient with and accommodating of your behavior towards him thus far."

Realizing that I'm not likely to brush her off anytime soon, I can no longer resist the urge to nettle her a bit...

"So what? Did Third send you to rough me up? Shake me down for some kind of confession he's too much of a coward to seek out himself?"

"Asuka!" Hikari cries indignantly, speaking up for the first time since Rei stopped us, but I ignore her.

Though...the way Wondergirl's anger increases at the jab towards Shinji is more chilling than amusing.

"Ikari did no such thing," Rei answers, eyes narrowed dangerously. "I am here with neither his knowledge or consent. It was my wish to confront you without informing him, because I believe he would have asked me not to."

It's becoming increasingly hard not to show how uneasy I'm beginning to feel...not just because I feel that way...but because of...why...

'She...she can't...a doll like her...someone put her up to this! There's no way she'd...'

"Well it doesn't matter WHO put you up to this," I answer back, hoping that my anger is all that can be seen and heard from the outside. "Because this is between me and Third."

"I agree," pipes up Hikari, moving forward to stand slightly between me and Rei. "I can appreciate your concern Ayanami, but Asuka's right. Let her and Ikari work this out between-"

But Rei, who turned her slowly intensifying glare to Hikari the moment she began to speak, abruptly cuts her off. "What right do you have to interfere?"

Hikari, looking as stunned as I feel at this uncharacteristic behavior from the First Child, has no rebuttal.

I however, feel another spark of rage ignite that has little to do with the distress the First Child has been causing me.

"You leave Hikari out of this, Wonderbitch!" I snarl, walking directly up to the blue haired albino and poking her sharply in the center of her chest. "And, FYI...she has MORE right than you do to speak up right now! She stood up for Third long before you ever did!"

I half expect Rei to either ignore or contradict me...but she does neither.

Her eyes widen with shock and she actually takes a step back...her anger melting away for a moment.

But, to my dismay, she regains her composure quickly. "Then," she begins, "I apologize to you Ms. Horaki." She nods at Hikari, who in turn is still too stunned to answer.

"But you..." she turns back to me, the ferocity returning to her expression. "Do not think I will allow you to leave without an explanation."

I laugh mirthlessly at her, before fixing her with a livid stare to match her own. "And what makes you think," I say in quiet voice, my face now mere centimeters from hers, "That you, or anyone else, can fucking tell me what to do Wondergirl?"

She doesn't answer...instead responding with a pensive statement of her own. "I do not understand you Sohryu."

Her eyes are now deadly crimson slits. "You have always been quite unabashed in your abuse of Ikari. Why now do you keep silent about it? Are you ashamed of what you've done...or too frightened of the consequences?"

I remain silent. Partially out of defiance...partially to quell the mounting panic...

"That-that's enough!" Hikari finds her voice at last, and fixes Rei with a reproachful look. "Ayanami, I know you're concerned about Ikari...but this isn't helping anyone."

She turns to me. "Asuka, let's go now."

Part of me instinctively wants to argue...but I realize that this is my ticket out of this mess...

'For now at least...' I think to myself darkly.

With one last withering look at the First Child, I turn to follow Hikari.

Before...

"Cowardice is most unlike you, Pilot Sohryu."

The words were almost whispered...but I heard them just as surely as I stand here upon this city sidewalk.

I stop dead...and slowly turn around.

For a moment, there is silence, except for the appreciative jeers from a number of onlookers.

Soon enough though, I find my voice again.

"Did you..." My hands tighten into fists.

"Asuka?" Hikari squeaks.

"...just call me..." The words become mangled through clenched teeth.

"Asuka, don't." Hikari is saying in a pleading whisper. "Please don't..."

"...a coward?" Despite my rage, my voice is almost as low as Hikari's. For once, the First Child is actually speaking louder than I am.

"I did", Rei answers coldly. "And you are."

As I begin striding towards her, my right hand, already tightened into a fist, seems to implode in on itself until it feels completely numb.

And as I reach out to seize her collar with my left hand, I begin to draw back my other arm as far as it will go.

But just as I grab a fistful of her uniform collar...

"Stop it! Don't you dare Sohryu!"

...

It isn't the demand itself that makes me stop mid-motion...

'S-Sohryu? He...he's never called me-...it can't be...'

...

I slowly turn my head towards the source of that voice...and find myself staring straight into a pair of blue eyes...dark blue eyes wide and blazing with fury.


	49. The Greener Grass (pt11)

AN: My apologies for the delay, I meant to upload this one yesterday. Hopefully, it will have been worth the wait :)

One more tomorrow, and that'll be it until next week.

So, for now, here's Shinji's POV on what's going down here...

•4:04 PM

While we were mostly silent before the train ride, Kensuke and Toji began to argue shortly before we disembarked. I think it has something to do with what snack items to buy. At some point, they did the sensible thing, and asked Rei what she wanted, since said party IS to celebrate HER new apartment.

To both my gratitude and embarrassment, Rei replied that she would prefer something made by me.

My feelings quickly turned to horror when my two friends exchanged a look and then smirked at me. "Well now," Toji drawls, "Looks like Miyamura might have some competition on her hands."

Thankfully Rei didn't offer a retort, nor did she give any real indication that she heard anything. Indeed, as we reached the bottom of the outside steps, she looked rather distracted.

I thought little of it, for then my thoughts were, as they are now and have been since Toji brought it up on the train, centering on Yūko Miyamura.

'Kensuke and Toji seem to think she might have her eye on me...'

But why?

'Probably because you're an Eva pilot.'

Well, I guess that must be it. Honestly, what other reason would there be?

'So the next question would be...what do you intend to do about it?'

I-I don't know. Should I even do anything? What if Kensuke and Toji are wrong?

'Do you honestly believe that they are?'

I don't know. I mean...I got clustered by a bunch of the girls in class the day I told one of them I was an Eva Pilot when she asked...though...Miyamura wasn't one of the ones I remember from that day.

...

I recall for a moment Miyamura's face and...um...'profile' from when she leaned down to address me yesterday afternoon.

...

I feel like I'd definitely have remembered her face if I'd seen her that day.

'So...where's the problem?' I ask myself.

Well...I mean...why is she only talking to me now? Why not before?

'Maybe she couldn't work up the courage?'

Work up the-? Who'd need to work up courage to talk to ME?!

'Probably someone who cares about their reputation.'

Oh...right. I guess she wouldn't want to lower herself by being seen with me.

'...then why approach you at all?'

Well...

'Maybe she feared her reputation suffering if you REJECTED her?'

But...why would I-

'If you wouldn't...then why are you even arguing with yourself about this at all? And besides, you've turned other girls away in the past.'

But...surely they weren't really-...was...that really what they were-...

'...you really are dense...you know that?'

So I've been told...

'Well then...'

Well then?

'...why not?'

Why not...?

'Why not take a chance? What's stopping you?'

I...I...well...um...

'...well?'

It's...just that...the only reason Miyamura even knows who I am...is because I'm...an Eva Pilot. If it weren't for that...

'Then you'd just be a joke to her, right? But do you even know that for certain?'

Of course! Before I came here, people like her always either ignored me or called me names or beat me up...just like Asuka. Asuka's seen more of the real me than almost anyone...and she hates me. She's hated me from the start. And since she's a Pilot too...I mean...it feels like people only like me at all because they feel obligated to, since I'm an Eva Pilot. Asuka doesn't need to pretend that she likes or cares about me...so her emotions towards me expressing how pathetic and worthless she thinks I am are entirely genuine.

'Misato doesn't seem to think badly of you.'

I...well...maybe...

'And what about Rei? She's a Pilot too...and she doesn't seem to hate you or think you're worthless.'

Well...maybe not...but she hasn't actually lived with me. Everyone who has...except Misato and...at least, I guess, my mother...has either grown to hate me or just want me out of their life. Mr. Hirayama...Asuka...Father...and who knows...I've only lived with Misato for four months. It's probably just a matter of time before she feels the same as they do.

'Is that really what you think?'

I hate myself...Father hates me...how could anyone else not?

...

I shake my head...all the back and forth between myself and my inner self having made it feel cluttered and sore.

'Well', I think ruefully, 'I'm at least glad that Rei is living next door...instead of with me and Misato. At least then...maybe...even though she'll be nearby...and living in a much better home...she won't be so close that she'll come to hate me too.'

I turn to look at the blue-haired girl...and find myself stopping in shock.

Rei is gone.

'But where...?'

I look around, feeling a mixture of confusion and apprehension.

'Where could she have gone? I mean...it's not like she's never abruptly walked away from me before...but this doesn't seem like a situation where she'd do that completely out of the bl-'

"Uh, Shin-man..." I hear Toji's unusually serious voice cut across my thoughts. "I think you're gonna wanna see this."

I look in the direction he's pointing...and feel my lungs turn to stone.

Across the street is a cluster of people surrounding two girls having an argument...and the girls are unmistakably familiar. And how could they not be? After all...there are very few people, let alone teenage girls, living in Japan that have red hair like the girl on the left...and even fewer that have blue hair like the girl on the right.

I take one look at the expression on Asuka's face...and shudder with vicarious terror.

"Rei," I whisper fearfully, "W-what are you doing? Please, just...walk away."

I look over at Kensuke and Toji, both of whom watch the scene, seemingly transfixed.

"Can you see her face?" Kensuke says, sounding slightly awestruck, "I've...never...never seen Ayanami get angry before."

From the crowd across the street, I can hear a few people, most notably a group of boys around our age by the sound of them, jeering bawdily and attempting to egg them on...several of them loudly chanting "Cat fight! Cat fight!"

Toji turns to look at me. "Well," he says looking at me indignantly, "What are you waiting for?"

"Wh-what?" I stammer back, my eyes still fixed on the stand off.

"What do you mean 'what'?" growls Toji. "Ayanami is probably over there because of whatever Asuka did to you. You're not gonna let her face the Red Demon alone, are you?"

"But...but I..."

"Look man..." Toji claps a hand on my shoulder, "I know you're scared of Sohryu...but you're a man. You can't just stand here and let Ayanami fight your fights for you by herself!"

'He's right...but...'

I take a halfhearted step forward.

"Atta boy Shin-man," cries Toji. "Me and Ken'll back you up." He turns back to Kensuke. "Come on Ken."

"Why are you dragging ME into this?" I hear Kensuke cry indignantly. And I can't help but feel the same way as I take another shivering step forward...despite knowing that I shouldn't.

"Don't be a fuckin' pussy Ken!" snarls Toji. "Grow a pair, and start walking!"

As I near the crosswalk, trying my hardest not to collapse and start begging and pleading with Toji to let me sit this out, I see Ms. Horaki, who has been standing just behind Asuka, walk forward and stand between Rei and Asuka.

She briefly speaks to Rei looking rather stern, though not angry, before turning back to Asuka and leading her away.

Feeling immensely relieved I pick up my pace, my legs still jangling with adrenaline, and make my way towards Rei...

Then I hear her say...something. I can't hear what it is from this distance...but Asuka, judging by the way she stops dead and slowly turns around...must have heard whatever it was perfectly well. And the way the crowd reacts...as if Rei had just uttered a really good comeback...all but confirms my fear.

It takes only one look at Asuka's expression...one look at the near murderous rage taking shape on her pretty yet cruel features to make me take off running...

Though...I find myself running in the direction opposite of that which such a sight would normally send me.

People yelp and curse and sometimes attempt to shove me in retaliation as I dart my way through the small crowd...but nothing is going to stop me now...

If I'm too late...

I push my way inside the ring of onlookers just as Asuka, ignoring Ms. Horaki's desperate pleading and attempts to restrain her, begins to draw back her fist. And in desperation, I cry out...

"Stop it! Don't you dare Sohryu!"

The effect is instantaneous. All of the eyes not already fixed on me turn my way, including Rei's...and Asuka's.

I want...so much...to be able to look away from those cerulean irises...to simply grab Rei and run as fast as I can...but something's stopping me.

Fear? Yes...but it's more than that...

I look at Asuka's left hand, and how it's still clutching Rei tightly by the collar...and I realize...

I realize it with the tightening of my fists, the tautness within my chest, the red haze I can feel building inside my brain...

"Take your hand off of her," whispers a terrible voice I don't recognize...and yet...

Asuka simply stares at me, seemingly as unbelieving of my words as I myself am.

"Let go of her!"

With hands I can barely feel, I seize Asuka's wrist, and force her fist to release Rei's shirt collar. This action however, has an awful consequence...

I am now standing closer to Asuka than I have since...everything that happened...and it is only the fear that looking away will reveal how utterly terrified I am that keeps me from breaking eye contact.

'If I look away...she'll smell blood in the water...and she won't hesitate or hold back. I'm probably dead either way at this point no matter what I do...but if I can stave off my inevitable death, I will.'

That...and there's an odd compulsion I have right now...but...not so much of something I WANT to do...

Rather...it is a compulsion NOT to do the very thing I usually would WANT to do at a time like this...

Run away...

I feel a hardening of my resolve...and of the expression on my face.

'She tried to hurt Rei...'

I won't...

'I WON'T run away the way I did...last time...'

Sohryu doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing me run from her again!

My fists tighten...

'Never again! Whatever the cost...'

I brace myself for the storm that I know is coming...

But nothing happens...

And then...something does happen...something...miraculous...and entirely unexpected...

'Why...why is she...looking away from me? Why is she breaking eye contact?'


	50. The Greener Grass (pt12)

AN: Last one for this week. Next one will be on Monday or Tuesday.

Here's Asuka again...

•4:15 PM

Th-this is all wrong; why am I looking away?!

'I think we know the answer to that...'

I can't show that! He can't see how s-

"W-well then? What are you waiting for?" Shinji's words cut through the tailspin my thoughts are descending into.

Mustering all my willpower, I force myself to look at him once more...and find myself feeling...

'Mein Gott...it's THAT expression...'

Not so much the anger I see now...but the determination...the resolve...

It was this expression of his that I would envision in those...moments; the ones I would sooner take to my grave than admit to...'moments of weakness', I had once called them.

'I can see the fear he's feeling but...despite it, he's standing his ground. If anything, knowing that he's scared, but...choosing NOT to run away...makes me feel that much more-...'

Could this...

'Could this have been another reason I tried to provoke him so much?!'

But whatever else I'm feeling right now, it isn't enough to dampen the sense of foreboding looming over me...the feeling that a line has been permanently crossed.

"J-just d-do it!" Shinji cries out, his voice rising...though also becoming more and more shaky with every word. "G-go ahead a-and hit me! Scream at me! D-do your worst!"

A part of me almost wants to comply.

'But why?!' I ask myself, horrorstruck.

 _Because he's literally asking for it? He should know better than to challenge me like this!_

'No! I won't let you!'

Steeling myself, I meet Shinji's stare as neutrally as I can, bracing myself as he, though still clearly terrified, musters up the will to continue speaking.

But it is not defiance that refuses to let me look away now...

'I owe him this. This is my own doing...and whatever he says now...no matter how awful...is probably less than what I've earned.'

"I-I-I'm n-not...a-afraid of you a-anymore! S-so just d-do it already!" Taking a deep breath, Shinji looks away for just a moment, glancing at the blue-haired girl just behind him.

He then turns away, closing his eyes, seeming to ready himself for something unpleasant and frightening.

Then, upon releasing a sigh, his eyes snap open, glaring at me with a fury that seems to have redoubled from before.

"I don't even care if you kill me," he snarls, the tremor now all but gone, "But I won't let you touch her again!"

And to my shock and the audible gasps of Hikari, Aida, and Suzahara, Shinji actually takes a step towards me. Now he's standing right in front of me, as close as he was...that night.

"Do you hear me Sohryu?!" he growls, his face only a few centimeters from mine. "The only way you'll even so much as touch Rei again is by going through me first!"

The only thing that keeping me rooted to the spot now, rather than retreating back a step to match Shinji, is my own fearful disbelief.

 _You see now?! Give him an inch, he'll take a mile! Go on, call his bluff!_

'He wouldn't...I know he wouldn't...even when he's this angry...'

 _But you've threatened his precious little doll bitch, haven't you? He might make this uglier than you expect him to...so you need to make it ugly first._

'I...I can't...'

 _You're losing control of this situation and you know it! You NEED to put him BACK in his place RIGHT NOW!_

'NO!'

My fists, which unbeknownst to Shinji had tightened dangerously the moment he stepped towards me...unclench, my hands dangling at my sides.

'...I won't...not again...never again. No matter what happens.'

I continue to meet Shinji's furious blue eyes.

'I'm ready.'

At least...I hope I am.

As I prepare to face the coming storm...I can't suppress a mental shiver of dread.

For a moment, there's an uneasy silence...then...

"S-so..." Shinji says at last, "A-aren't you going say something? Anything?! You're just going to stand there?!"

"Uh, Shin-man?" Jock Stooge pipes up, sounding unusually apprehensive, "I think you've made your point."

Shinji ignores him.

"The one time I stand here and practically beg you to hit me...and you just stand there?" He turns away with a grunt of disgust and begins to walk away.

"Of course you wouldn't," I hear him mutter bitterly. "You'd much rather that someone be helpless and unwilling to fight back."

And without warning, he turns to face me again. "Isn't that right Sohryu?"

He narrows his eyes, "All this time...you've pushed me around...you've insulted me...called me worthless, spineless, and worse! You've even hit me just because I annoyed you somehow...or because I was in your way...or just because I was there!"

I can almost sense the shocked, accusatory look coming from Hikari's direction.

"All this time...I thought maybe I deserved it somehow. But that's not it, is it?"

Shinji's fists clench tightly, and his teeth are bared, "You just made my life living with you hell because you enjoyed doing it, didn't you? Because you knew I wouldn't fight back! I'd just take it and take it and take it and still keep coming back like a stupid little puppy, right?!"

Why...do I feel...so...blank? What I do? What can I say?

'There's nothing TO say is there...'

"Every time some little thing didn't go your way...EVERY TIME...it was my fault somehow! And god forbid I tried to help you in any way!"

'...because...he's right.'

"No matter what I did..." Shinji's voice begins to sound weary and sad, even through the searing rage, "It was always wrong. Whatever I said...it was the wrong thing to say."

He turns away, and his voice begins to deaden from hot anger to an icy calm...an eerie reminder of who he shares his blood with. "I can't believe I ever thought you were worth it."

And with that, Shinji nods at Rei and the Stooges...and the four of them turn and walk away.

With their departure, the crowd begins to disperse as well, some of them throwing curious glances my way, or in some cases, dirty looks.

I don't care about that.

I don't care that Hikari is tentatively calling my name and putting a cautious hand on my shoulder.

I don't even care that I've begun to shake and feel weak as if my body were turning to gelatin from the neck down.

I don't care that my eyes are itchy and burning...or that my cheeks suddenly feel damp...or that my chest is lurching involuntarily...

All I care about is that there's something cold and dead inside of me...

And all I know is that I need to get away.

I don't remember starting to run...

Though I can remember Hikari crying out, "Asuka wait, please! Please come back!"


	51. The Greener Grass (pt13)

AN: Can't...resist! Must...update!

Seriously, I have very much been looking forward to posting this one. It was one of my favorites to write and one of my favorites to go back and peruse from time to time.

I hope you all enjoy it just as much

Welcome back to the stage, Ms. Hikari Horaki...

•4:24 PM

'God, not this again!'

I do my best to keep up with Asuka, but she's in far better shape than I am, and it's all I can do just to keep her in sight.

'Where is she even going?'

Nearly a block ahead, I see her take a sharp turn to her right and disappear from view.

'No! No! No! I can't lose sight of her!'

Feeling my legs and chest screaming in protest, I pick up my pace and when I reach the next block, I dart glances to the right to see if I can spot Asuka's red hair, hoping against hope that Asuka hasn't turned again. But thankfully...

'There!'

I nearly wipeout and crash on the pavement when I change direction, but manage to just barely stay on my feet.

At the end of the alleyway, I see Asuka leaning into a dumpster, as if looking for something inside of it. As I approach, she straightens up for a moment, clutching what looks like a salmon colored garment to her chest, before collapsing to the ground, her back against the side of the dumpster.

I slow down and approach her more cautiously, partially because I don't want to spook her and have her flee again...but also out of curiousity.

Asuka, who I am sure has not yet noticed my approach, buries her head into the garment, hugging it to her as tightly as she can, and...and...

'Oh my goodness...'

I could have easily mistaken the muffled cries for screams of rage...but the way her shoulders are shaking is unmistakable.

"A-Asuka?"

I kneel down in front of her, putting my hands on her shoulders to deter her from running again.

"Asuka, look at me. Please?"

I notice an angry wasp, probably disturbed by Asuka's rummaging through the dumpster, repeatedly jabbing her forearm with its stinger. For all the attention she pays it, it might as well have been stinging a tree branch. Slapping the ugly insect aside, I lean closer to Asuka, shaking her shoulders gently.

"Asuka? Asuka...it's gonna be okay. Please just calm down."

Asuka shakes her head without uncovering her face. "Go away," a muffled voice chokes out. "Please just go."

'I guess she at least knows that I'm here then.'

"No." And in complete defiance of her muffled request, I wrap my arms around the sobbing girl. And, to my surprise and relief, she doesn't resist. Indeed, I feel her rest her covered face against my shoulder. Though she seems to have calmed down a bit, I still feel her crying through the garment...which I now realize is a shirt...a boy's t-shirt. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out just whose it is.

I can't help but smile a little bit. Though, it's a sad smile...as I think of the bittersweetness of this whole situation.

After all, I'm not deaf. I heard what Shinji said...heard his accusations towards my best friend. A part of me had faintly hoped he was lying or exaggerating...

But truthfully? I knew he wasn't. And now that I've found Asuka like this...

Oh, part of me would love to, at the very least, scold and berate Asuka for being so horrible to her fellow Eva Pilot...

But seeing this...

'I know it would only make things worse. Asuka needs her best friend now...not a verbal thrashing.'

After a few minutes, Asuka's hiccuping gasps even out into deep steady breaths, and I feel her shifting slightly. Releasing the embrace, but keeping my hands on her shoulders, I pull back to give her some air.

The shirt is no longer covering her, and I can now fully see her flushed, tearstained face.

'My god...I've never seen her look so...vulnerable...helpless even.'

"Asuka? When...when you're ready..." I begin tentatively, "Let's talk."

Asuka averts her bloodshot eyes...but after a moment, she nods jerkily.

Feeling relieved at her response, I scoot over to sit beside my best friend to her left with my back, like hers, resting against the side of the dumpster. I try not to gag at the odor and do my best to ignore the buzzing of the insects gorging themselves on the contents.

There's a long silence before either of us begins to speak, but eventually...

"You should've just let me run off, Hikari," Asuka says in a strained whisper. "You heard him, didn't you?"

She hides her face, pressing it into in her knees. "He...he wasn't lying, you know..."

"I know," I answer matter of factly. "Or at least I figured as much."

Asuka stares at me in surprise. "And yet you're still here?"

Then she looks away, hiding her face again. Her shoulders begin to shake once more, but not with sobs. Her laugh is mirthless...bitter, tired...full of self-loathing.

"Hikari, I..." she begins. "Sometimes I just don't understand you."

"What's not to understand, Asuka?" I ask, a little confused.

"Well...you heard Shinji. For the two months I've lived with him and Misato, I abused him. Now you know it's true...and you still haven't run away or disowned me as a friend. It's not like I don't appreciate it, but...I don't...I don't understand why you-"

"Because," I cut across her, "I'm not the one you've hurt with your actions. But more importantly," I say, fixing her with a piercing stare, "I'm still here, because I think...no...I KNOW...you can do better."

Asuka makes a skeptical little noise in rebuttal.

"Hey," I reply sternly, grabbing Asuka's shoulder to turn her back towards me, "I mean it. And believe me Asuka..." my voice darkens, "I wouldn't waste a moment more on you if I didn't know that."

Asuka turns away again, and lapses into a long silence. The alleyway becomes noticeably darker with the fading sunlight before she speaks again.

"You're wasting your time then, Hikari," she says at last. "I've always been this way. So just-"

"I'll decide for myself if I'm 'wasting my time' thank you very much," I snap back at her.

She flinches a little, most likely unused to such forcefulness from me.

Softening my tone, I go on, "What makes you so sure that you can't change? In the last two days, you've already changed quite a bit."

Asuka turns to look at me again, her expression skeptical...but not without a glimmer of hope. Still, her tone sounds tired and defeated as she asks, "What do you want from me, Hikari? What do you even expect to gain?"

I smile reassuringly as I answer both her questions with a single answer. "I want you to be happy, Asuka."

My best friend immediately starts to laugh. The same hollow, joyless laugh from yesterday that raises my hackles and gives me the creeps.

"Asuka," I groan, feeling a bit offended, but mostly just wishing she'd stop laughing like some kind of living corpse, "I'm really being serious when I say that. Honest."

Asuka manages to quiet herself. "I'm sorry, Hikari." With a small, sad smile, she continues, "I know you meant what you said. I know you mean well Hikari, and I really do appreciate it."

She pauses for a moment, and with a wistful sigh, her smile disappears. "You really have been a better friend to me than I deserve. But the fact is..."

Asuka looks away, and glares, hard, at the patch of ground between her feet. "No one can make me happy." And the bitterness in her voice makes my insides shrivel. "I haven't once been truly happy for the last ten years, Hikari. And it's not your fault. Its not Kaji's fault. It's not Misato's fault. It's not Shinji's fault. It's not even Wondergirl's fault."

I see the glare on her face break for a moment before she hides it from view, pressing it into her knees. Her voice is muffled, but still audible...and full of a terrible sadness. "I'm a just a miserable person, Hikari. And I make other people miserable because it makes me feel less worthless and horrible for about five seconds of my day."

"Asuka..." I try to say soothingly, but she continues to talk over me.

"Don't you understand? You'll waste everything you have trying to help me, and you just...can't! And even if you could somehow...I don't deserve it."

"Don't say that about yourself, Asuka!" I retort emphatically, hoping I sound less angry than I feel.

"Why not?!" Asuka snaps back, turning to glare at me. "I have the right, damn it!"

"And you have the same right to be happy that all of us have!"

Asuka smirks wryly at my exclamation. "Oh yeah? I think Shinji might disagree with you there."

"Asuka..." I begin to say.

But she cuts me off. "Don't make excuses for me, Hikari! I didn't just 'make a mistake' or 'say things I didn't mean!'"

She sighs heavily, lowering her voice as she continues, "What Shinji said back there...it's all true."

"I know that Asuka, but st-"

"No Hikari," she once against cuts me off. "You don't know! I'm not just a bully, damn it! I'm..."

She stops mid-sentence, holding her hands in front of her face, staring down at them. They begin to shake...and in a choked whisper, I hear my friend say, "I'm a monster."

She turns to face me again. In the rapidly waning light, her face is half hidden in shadow...and her expression can only be described as 'haunted'. The combined effect, and the near monotone with which she speaks her next words, are positively bone chilling. "You don't know what I really did two nights ago. You don't know the half of it."

She turns away, and her face is mercifully re-illuminated by the deepening orange glow of the sky above. "Shinji didn't tell you everything. So, I will."

And she does so...

"...and then he ran away. And do you know where he went?"

I don't answer her question with the question that her words have invited...waiting instead for her to answer it for me herself.

"He ran to the roof, Hikari."

Previously struck into cold silence by the revelation of her actions and words towards her fellow pilot, I cannot suppress a small gasp of horror at the clear implication of what Asuka has just said.

"He...he nearly...he could have..." she chokes out, unable to bring herself to state the obvious. "And it would've been because of me..."

She hides her face in her hands, and save for deep, fortifying breaths, falls silent.

It's at least a minute before I can find my tongue again, and another before I know what to say. But I decide to be honest, and ask the simplest, yet most pertinent question I can think of.

"Why, Asuka?"

"Why?" she repeats in a brittle voice that sounds like a cross between a laugh and a sob. "Mostly just because he exists! Because he annoys me just by being alive and being part of my life!"

She looks at me with strange, tortured eyes that I've never seen before. "I know he doesn't deserve it. Like I've told you, that's just how I am. You wouldn't understand."

She's right...I don't understand. And yet... "Then help me understand, Asuka."

She snorts derisively. "You can't. I don't even fully understand it."

"Try me."

Asuka looks at me for a moment, seemingly taken aback, before turning away with a small smile. "You haven't given up yet then?"

I'm happy to see that Asuka appreciates my stubborn desire to help her...however...

'I need to make a few things perfectly clear.'

"Make no mistake Asuka," I begin, and Asuka's smile falters at my tone, "What you've told me is honestly a lot worse than what I was expecting. There's no excuse for your behavior. However..."

I breathe a deep sigh, trying to bleed some of the severity out of my voice, "I can tell that you regret it, and...I KNOW you won't let it happen again." I fix her with a hard stare. "Ever."

Asuka looks...a little less sure of herself than I would like...but she nods anyway.

'I guess I'll have to be satisfied with that for now.'

That brings me to the next point...

"You'll need to apologize..." I say, holding up a hand to silence Asuka's protests. "...to BOTH of them."

"B-but-..."

"No 'buts'!" I cut across her.

"You just saw what happened, Hikari!" Asuka retorts. "Nothing I say is going to matter."

I nod grimly, "You're probably not wrong. I'm not so sure I'd forgive you or accept your apology if it were me, but still...you have to try. And you're going to."

"You're not leaving me much of a choice, are you?" replies Asuka, sounding more tiredly amused than annoyed.

"No, I'm not," I agree sternly.

"Even though you yourself don't think it's going to change anything?"

"I SAID that it PROBABLY won't," I correct her. "I DIDN'T say I didn't think it was possible. And besides, at this point, you have an OBLIGATION to at least TRY, no matter what they say. Not to mention, you ALREADY promised that you will."

The sky overhead is quickly darkening from orange-red to purplish blue, and I rise to my feet.

"Come on, Asuka," I say, helping her to her feet, "Its getting dark. Let's go home."

Asuka nods a wordless agreement, but turns to look back at the dumpster and then down at the shirt...before hanging her head in seeming defeat and walking away with me, stuffing the shirt back into her bag.

All around us, the street lamps are starting to flicker on, and the crowds of tired looking workers heading home are giving way to more animated groups of Friday evening merrymakers.

One of them bumps into Asuka's right arm.

"Ow! Hey, what the-? What happened to my arm?!"

We stop for a moment, Asuka staring down at the half-dozen or so angry red welts near the middle of her forearm. "When the hell did this happen?!"

"Oh, uh, you got stung by a wasp," I inform her, feeling a little sheepish for having not brought it up earlier. "You're not allergic are you?"

"No. At least, I hope not. I've never been stung before." She frowns, looking down thoughtfully. "No wonder Third always got so jumpy around the damn things," she adds quietly.

"It happened while you were digging Shinji's shirt out of the dumpster," I inform her as we begin to walk once more.

"Ugh, of course it w-" she freezes mid-sentence. "I...never said this was Shinji's shirt..."

I smile a little at that. "You didn't have to. I just put two and two together. And like I said before Asuka, I know...I've known for awhile now."

Asuka doesn't answer for a long time. Or at least it seems to be a long time...but eventually...

"I guess..." she begins slowly, hanging her head. And then... "I guess it was only a matter of time before SOMEONE saw through me, huh?"

I'm glad Asuka is looking away...I think the smug smile I'm wearing would just rub salt in the wound.

However, I can't stop myself from asking, "So...you're finally admitting it then?!"

"Why not?" Asuka answers wearily, still looking down and away from me. "You've seen too much for me to plausibly deny it anymore."

Any jubilation I feel at Asuka's admittance is snuffed out by how miserable she sounds...and by my own agreement with what Asuka herself is likely thinking.

'She's admitted the truth...but what good is it now? Even I don't think there's much hope of fixing things anymore. Still...'

"Why was it so hard for you to just come out and say it?"

Another long silence follows that question. Rather than seeming reluctant to answer, Asuka instead seems to be thinking of how best to reply, as if carefully choosing her response. Several times, she seemed about to speak...before sinking back into frowning contemplation.

But eventually...

"Because..."

I turn to face her, and we both stop walking. By this time, most of the stars that aren't blotted out by the light pollution are now visible.

She takes a fortifying breath...and begins to answer at last. "Because I don't WANT to feel this way about him."

I'm not exactly surprised by that. After all, there are times where I myself don't understand why I find that boneheaded jock so-

'Goddamnit Hikari, focus!' I scold myself as Asuka continues to speak...

"I...I want to hate him Hikari!"

That...on the other hand...

"Y-you want to-...?" I parrot back, deeply perplexed, "But...why?"

"Like I said," she replies, self-disgust evident in her voice, "You wouldn't understand."

"And like I said," I retort, "Try me."

Asuka frowns, turning away. She seems to be deciding on whether or not to answer me. It's almost a minute before she turns to face me again.

"Imagine," she begins, "That you spend...your whole life...training for something. And you're told, by everyone involved...over and over and over again...that the survival of humanity depends on your success."

I grimace in sympathy. 'I can't even fathom the pressure that would put on an adult...much less a child.'

"Every day...every exercise is another level leading up to your shining moment. You put yourself through hell because you don't want to let everyone down..." she pauses...then lowers her gaze, "...but most of all...you don't want to let yourself down. Because you yourself have NOTHING else in the world to live for...NOTHING!"

"Asuka," I try to cut across in a horrified whisper.

But she bulls ahead, growing more and more distressed with every word. "If you fail...if you even falter once...hell, even if you succeed, but beforehand make a fool of yourself and end up having to rely on some goddamn idiot they yanked off the fucking street just to survive your debut battle...that's it...that's weeks, months, YEARS of back breaking training out the fucking window! You might as well be a goddamn novice for all the difference it all made!"

Her fists clench tightly and her blue eyes are blazing with mingled hate, jealousy, and...fear?

And suddenly she's shouting, and starting to pace furiously. "And the idiot...the stupid, cowardly sliver of a boy that has no place being in a goddamn fucking war...somehow manages to overshadow you at every turn...without even trying!"

She clutches at her face and hair, trying to reign in her emotions and lower her voice, perhaps noticing the curious looks she's drawn with her shouting. "I know what you're going to say. 'It's not his fault!' As if I didn't fucking know that already?!"

She stops pacing, forcing herself to calm down. The inferno in her eyes seems to have receeded for the moment. "I know he's not really to blame. And that makes it worse."

She turns to face me again. "If he were some arrogant showboater...I could happily wish him a painful death...or at least for him to be completely humiliated, and not hate myself for it. Instead, he's a genuinely nice and helpful person who's risked his life to save both me and Wondergirl, and only does his best because he wants to live, doesn't want anyone else to die, and because he wants his asshole dad to actually notice him."

At this point, I don't even know what to feel. I just nod numbly.

Asuka continues, "I can't hate someone like that. Not really. I WANT to...but I hate myself for wanting to."

She laughs a little. "And to make matters worse AND more complicated...out of nowhere, I start feeling...fond of this person whose very existence makes my entire life up to this point a fucking joke! This average, and pretty much unremarkable kid that bears no resemblance to Kaji, the type of man I've told myself to strive for, suddenly starts to intrude into my thoughts and dreams...and all the while, I still resent everything about him and everything he does."

She walks over to the side of the nearest building, and leans against the wall, looking down at her folded arms. "And as much as I tried to press it down, and ignore it, and tell myself it was just a stupid phase I was going through due to being a teenage girl...when I started hating the idea of that fucking doll bitch being anywhere near him..."

She sighs in exasperation, "But all of that wasn't enough to keep me from feeling angry with him all the time. And I knew..."

Asuka turns away for a moment as she says, "Sooner or later...I was going to chase him away. Even if let myself care about him...eventually my anger, my jealousy...I'd only ever hurt him, Hikari. And then he'd run away..."

She tilts her head back to look at the sky. "And by running away...no matter how much I'd deserve it...he'd hurt me. And the idea that he had that kind of power over me...made me afraid. And now...after what happened earlier..."

I walk over...

"...I was right to b-"

...and pull my best friend into a hug.

'I just...I can't...I don't even know what to...'

Words are completely failing me right now. This...right here...seems like the best thing I can do. I just hope it says what needs to be said.

For a long time, the hug is one-sided. Asuka doesn't move, and seems to be holding her breath.

But eventually...I feel arms encircling me and Asuka smiling over my left shoulder.

"Hehe," she laughs weakly, "Guess I'm the idiot after all."

After that, the walk home is uneventful and silent, but Asuka looks...not happy really...but at least a little reassured.

'I hope you know now, if you didn't before,' I think to myself as Asuka and I enter my house some time later, 'You're not alone, Asuka.'


	52. The Greener Grass (pt14)

Alrighty then, it's Wednesday so that means an update!

Also, we have a new debut POV :)

•4:28 PM

Everyone, even Toji, is quiet for the first two blocks we put between us and the incident that just took place. Indeed, I think I can still feel the rage simmering off of Shinji in waves...and I don't think any of us are keen to have that anger turned against one of us.

But, as I expected, Toji is the first to crack and risk unleashing the 'Ikari Beast Mode' as we've taken to secretly calling our friend's apparent repressed anger problems.

"So, uh...Shin-man?" Toji speaks up, at least having the good sense to sound nervous.

Shinji turns to look at him, the deep frown quickly melting into polite curiosity.

"Uh...yeah, Toji?" He asks, mercifully sounding more like himself again.

I quietly breathe a sigh of relief, as Toji continues, "Well...uh...are you, erm..." It takes a minute for Toji to marshal his thoughts into a proper question. "Are you gonna tell us what the hell THAT was all about?!"

Shinji turns away, his frown returning; though he seems less angry and more pensive now.

"She was going to attack Rei," he says after a short silence. "And I could see...she wasn't sorry."

His expression darkens noticeably, and his voice twists deeper into a snarl with every word. "She wasn't sorry for any of it!"

His fists seem to be clenching and unclenching at his sides, just as they were when he was facing Asuka.

"She's treated Rei and me like shit from the beginning. And she wasn't much better to Misato either. And when I saw her just...standing there...no emotion, no remorse for any of it...I just..."

He takes a deep breath, and seems to calm himself down once more. "I just had to tell her what I thought of her. I had to...no matter what happened."

"Oh," Toji replies, sounding bemused, "I see." Then he grins and claps Shinji on the shoulder. "Well Shin-man I gotta say, you're a braver man than me. Even I wouldn't've had the balls to do something like telling off the Red Demon herself TO HER FACE. Good for you, man!"

Shinji smiles back...but it doesn't look entirely genuine.

At this point, I decide it's safe to contribute to the discussion. "I'm kind of surprised that she just stood there...and didn't say or do anything."

I look from Shinji to Toji, and briefly...over at Ayanami, who despite her silence, is clearly listening with rapt attention. Turning to look directly at Shinji, I add, "She sure has been acting weird lately, huh Shinji?"

Shinji tilts his head thoughtfully. "Well...now that you mention it..."

He seems to be pondering something...but after a few minutes, he simply shrugs...and offers no further comment on my observation.

'I know he's withholding something' I think to myself. 'But I'm sure if it something important, he'll tell us eventually.'

I repeat that back to myself, and think it over for a moment.

...

'Ugh, who am I kidding? He won't.'

Still...I'm not sure I want to go digging through that possible mine field, and judging by Toji's silence right now, he seems to be feeling the same.

But soon enough, a quiet voice breaks the silence once more.

"Ikari," Ayanami says softly. All our eyes promptly lock onto the blue-haired girl.

"I am...sorry," she continues, bowing her head contritely towards Shinji. "I did not intend to cause you anymore trouble with Sohryu."

Shinji looks slightly taken aback. "B-but Rei...i-it wasn't your fault Asuka was-"

"Yes," she cuts across him gently, "It was."

She fixes him with an intense look, red eyes displaying concern. "I wished to know how she had hurt you. And I deliberately provoked her out of frustration when she refused to answer. And because I did so, she lashed out physically at me, and you felt obligated to intervene on my behalf."

Shinji blinks...then blushes a deep red. "Rei...you didn't..." he mumbles, "You shouldn't have-...I-I mean y-you didn't have to-..."

"I know," Rei interrupts softly, "I may have acted out of concern for your wellbeing, but I also did so knowing that you would most likely prefer that I did not. And now..." she lowers her head, averting her eyes slightly, "...I have caused further conflict between you and Pilot Sohryu."

"Rei, I-..." Shinji begins to say, still sounding bemused, "I mean...I-I-I'm not m-mad at you or anything."

He looks away, staring down at the ground as he walks. "But I don't know why...why you'd go to so much trouble. I was more worried about you being hurt than I was about having to face Asuka."

He looks up and starts to turn his head back towards Rei. "Really, you shouldn't have taken such a risk for my sake. She really could have hurt you a-" He stops mid-sentence, staring at Rei.

Curious, I flick my gaze over to the blue-haired girl...and find myself stopping dead and nearly tripping over my feet in shock.

'Is she...she can actually...my god...'

I have NEVER...not even once in the time I've known her...seen Rei Ayanami smile.

'And yet...'

My face suddenly feels unusually warm...and I also feel a certain mixture of emptiness...and of slight envy.

'Touji's right,' I find myself thinking bitterly, 'It really always is Shinji who-'

I shake my head, suddenly rather ashamed of myself, and walking at double pace to catch up with my friends.

'What was that all about?' I wonder as I catch up with the others, ignoring their curious looks.

 _Heh,_ replies another voice, much further back in my mind, _surely you don't REALLY need to ask that_ _question of yourself, do you?_

I spend a few minutes in silence pondering that thought, tuning out the voices of my three companions, none of whom are currently addressing me anyway.

'I mean...I've always thought she was attractive. But, there was something...off...about her too; and not just the blue hair and red eyes. Something almost...inhuman...not evil or dangerous necessarily, but...inhuman about her.'

But there's been a slight, yet noticeable change in her ever since Shinji came to school. Given that they're both Eva pilots, it's no wonder that he'd know her better than any of us, and even with his reticent nature, maybe have an easier time getting past her initial oddities than the rest of us.

And since they've grown closer, Ayanami has been a lot less...well...she's still odd, but not so...inhuman...anymore. If not friendlier...at least somewhat approachable.

'But, to be honest...I didn't even notice...or at least, I didn't think about it until...'

I think back to the moment...only a few minutes past, that I saw her smile for the first time. And then...

I shake my head again. 'Easy Ken...start thinking like that, and your ass is back on the road of eternal disappointment for about the millionth time in your life.'

After all, I'm just happy that she's one of a handful of people that doesn't seem to find my mere existence revolting.

'Wouldn't want to change that by getting any funny ideas.'


	53. The Greener Grass (pt15)

AN: Well folks, this will be the last POV for 10/16/2015

So let's close out the day with Ms. Ayanami...

•6:11 PM

Noticing how troubled Ikari looked following the incident with Sohryu, I tried to inform Ikari that I no longer wished for him to go to the trouble of providing food for my 'apartment warming' celebration. I felt, given the trouble my actions had caused him, that absolving him of my request for his cooking was the least I could do.

To both my frustration and relief, he politely refused and insisted that he be permitted to continue. He insisted that it 'wasn't a problem'. I was uncertain at first if Ikari was referring to my unwelcome interference in his affairs, or to cooking. Deciding that he would not be dissuaded anyway, I elected not to inquire him further.

As I now rest my chopsticks on the empty plate in front of me, I must confess that I do not now regret, in the slightest, being unable to convince Ikari not to trouble himself for my sake. Though...it is not merely the selfish enjoyment of his efforts that have made me feel so...

"Shin-man, you ever think about going pro with this?" Suzahara asks, massaging his stomach appreciatively.

"Well...I...uh," Ikari stammers.

"No seriously Shinji," Aida chimes in, hurriedly stifling a small belch before continuing, "Have you ever considered that you might be in the wrong line of work?"

"Hah! You would say that Ken," scoffs Suzahara, "You just want his Eva."

Aida reddens indignantly at the accusation. "Hey, shut up Toji!"

I notice however, that Aida, for all his apparent offense at his friend's statement, does not seem to deny the claim...and judging by his reaction, Suzahara may in fact be correct about Aida's desire.

"Why would you desire to be Unit 01's pilot?" I ask the bespectacled boy.

I nearly add, _"I doubt that it would operate for you."_ But I stop myself just in time.

'Asking such a question would lead to an unacceptable breach of classified information. The true nature of the Evangelions must never be revealed to the other pilots...or to Major Katsuragi.'

At this, Aida looks slightly bewildered, then slightly ashamed.

"Well I..." he begins nervously, looking over at Ikari, "I guess I...I-I mean...I know it's not at easy as it looks...and I know it's dangerous too. But still, it's-..."

But Aida is interrupted by a loud arrival at the front door.

"Hello everyone!" A cheerful Major Katsuragi calls out to the room's occupants.

Leaping to their feet, Aida and Suzahara bend down into identical and awkward bows. "Good evening Ms. Misato!" they exclaim in unison.

'Perhaps they would both make valuable pilots if ever an Angel similar to Israfel were to attack again,' I observe. Though, of course, no amount of natural synchronization with one another would make up for their lack of usable Evangelions.

"Hello boys," the Major responds in a lilting voice complete with a winning smile that makes Aida and Suzahara turn bright red and grin back foolishly.

"Oh dear," says an older male voice from behind Misato, "Do I sense some competition for your attentions Katsuragi?"

Inspector Kaji emerges through the doorway to a polite greeting from Ikari, a scowl from Major Katsuragi, and dismayed expressions from Aida and Suzahara.

"Pfft, get over yourself Kaji," scoffs Major Katsuragi, before turning to the others with a slightly mischievous smile. "I'd rather have a real man in my life."

At this point, both Aida and Suzahara topple to the floor with matching dazed and delighted expressions.

Ikari, meanwhile, simply averts his gaze with a deepening blush. "Misato," he groans, "You really shouldn't encourage them like that."

Major Katsuragi pouts in a decidedly juvenile display of displeasure. "Spoilsport," she mutters. Said displeasure seems to be ingenuine however, as her pout is quickly replaced with a fond smile, as she takes a seat at the table next to him. "How are you Shin-chan?"

"Um, a-alright I guess," Ikari replies, noticeably avoiding her gaze.

This does not go unnoticed by the Major, who immediately shoots a glance at Inspector Kaji before turning back to look at Ikari.

"So...nothing interesting happened today? No...incidents...I should be made aware of?"

Ikari looks frightened at the question and immediately freezes up.

"Shinji?" the Major sounds serious now. "What happened? Are you alright?"

"It was my fault, Major Katsuragi," I say quietly.

All eyes in the room turn to face me.

"Rei?" the Major replies, sounding wrong footed. "What do you mean it was your fault? What happened?"

"I engaged Pilot Sohryu verbally and deliberately provoked her," I state truthfully. "Ikari came to my defense when Sohryu attempted to attack me in retaliation."

Katsuragi blinks bemusedly, looking at me as if she has trouble believing what I've just said.

After a moment, she recovers enough to articulate words. "You?" she asks, her emphasis on the word suggesting disbelief of my confession. "You picked a fight with..." she shakes her head, "YOU picked a fight?!" Her tone continues to suggest disbelief rather than outrage.

Nevertheless, her expression quickly becomes rather severe as she says, "I think you'd better fill me in right away."

With a nod, I do as she asks.

After several minutes, and confirmations of accuracy from Ikari, Aida, and Suzuhara, Major Katsuragi bows her head, looking grim.

"Okay," she sighs, sounding mildly exasperated, "Rei, your concern for Shinji is admirable, but I'm ordering you to stay away from Asuka from this point forward."

She straightens up, fixing me with a hard, though not necessarily angry stare, "You are not to speak to her unless ordered to do so."

"Understood, Major Katsuragi," I reply. "In any case, I do not wish to cause any further trouble for Ikari."

Major Katsuragi nods approvingly, and turns to Ikari. "Same goes for you, Shinji. Stay clear of Asuka, and don't speak to or engage her unless ordered to do so. Understood?"

"Y-yes Misato," Ikari replies softly.

"Good," she says with another approving nod, before turning to speak with Inspector Kaji.

Major Katsuragi's voice is too low to hear, but I can just barely hear Kaji's reply. "I'll talk to her and hear out her side of it."

Turning away from them, my eyes pass over Aida and Suzuhara darting envious looks at Inspector Kaji and come to rest on Ikari. He, in turn, is watching the adult's conversation with a slightly anxious expression, though...his eyes seem faraway, as if the distant conversation were not the subject of his consternation.

'And once more, his distress is my fault.'

I wish I knew what to say in such a situation...

'Perhaps 'I am sorry'?'

Ikari would likely say 'it's okay'...and continue to feel badly.

'Perhaps broach an unrelated topic to serve as a distraction?'

"Ikari."

He turns to face me, slight surprise evident in his eyes. "Uh, yes Ayanami?"

I frown slightly. 'He did not call me by my first name as he usually does these days. Why does this trouble me?'

Ignoring my slight annoyance, I bring up my intended topic. "I read your book this morning. It was quite enjoyable."

Ikari blinks confusedly. "M-my book? What do you-? Oh," comprehension dawns on his face, "The manga book, 'Children's Crusade'."

"Yes, that one," I reply with a nod. "I found it quite entertaining. But it seemed...incomplete. However, I did notice that there was a prominently illustrated '#2' on the book's spine. I presume that means that the book I read was the second in it's series?"

Ikari nods. "Yes. I read the first one about a month ago."

"May I...borrow the first volume from you?" I ask, surprised at how eager I sound.

"Oh, well um...," Ikari replies hesitantly, looking over at Aida. "They're uh, actually not mine, I borrowed them from Kensuke. You'd have to ask him."

"Oh, I see. I shall do so then."

Shinji nods. "He's been a fan from the start. According to what he told me, NERV's PR Department commissioned the series back in July of last year as a sort of 'public outreach' to make us seem less scary and mysterious to the general public."

Laughing weakly, he continues, "Given what I overhear some people say about NERV, I'm not sure it worked. Apparently the series didn't really catch on too much either."

"Yeah," Aida interjects, apparently having listened in, "Its been a fairly big cult hit though."

Ikari and I turn to face him.

"Sorry," he says with a grin, "I just heard you both talking about 'Children's Crusade', and figured I oughta get in on the discussion."

"That's okay," Ikari replies, "Actually, Rei has a question for you."

"Oh?" Aida turns to me, looking curious...a slight redness coloring his cheeks.

"Ikari told me that the books were yours rather than his," I inform him. "I wish to ask you if I may borrow the others."

"Oh." He smiles appreciatively. "I'd be happy to lend them to you Ayanami. I take it you'll need the third through sixth volumes, right?"

"And the first," I correct him. "I have only read the second volume."

"Ugh damn it, that's a shame for you. That completely ruins one of the big plot points in the first volume," Aida exclaims pressing a hand to his face dramatically. "Ah well..."

He turns to face me again. "It's still a great read anyway. Hopefully you still enjoy it."

"I am certain that I will," I tell him, allowing myself a small smile.

Aida's reaction is...unexpected. The redness that had been receding from his face returns twofold, and he averts his gaze...though his eyes dart back to my face sporadically.

"Aida? Is something...wrong? Something that I said?" I feel it is fitting to ask this question, given that my words do rather frequently invoke odd responses from the people around me.

"Uh...oh, uh n-no Ayanami," he replies hurriedly.

I suspect he is not being truthful, but I choose not to press the issue.

"A-anyway," Aida continues, pulling himself together, "I could probably drop them off for you tomorrow, if you like."

"I would appreciate that," I reply, inclining my head. "Thank you."

"Actually," Major Katsuragi cuts in, "He can give them to you tonight."

She turns to address Aida and Suzuhara. "I'd be happy to drive you both home."

They both nod eagerly in response.

"Shinji? Rei? You two want to come with?"

I nod my head in agreement, and see Shinji do the same...though I do notice a certain reluctance in his demeanor.

"Well then that's settled," says Major Katsuragi cheerily, snatching up her keys, apparently oblivious to Aida and Suzuhara's visible disappointment at the addition of more people.

Inspector Kaji bids us farewell as we file out the lobby door, taking a moment to give Ikari a brief clap on the shoulder before walking off into the night with a wave to Major Katsuragi.

She herself offers a token farewell in reply...but seems to watch his retreating form for far longer than is necessary.

It is in fact Suzuhara loudly and randomly proclaiming the word 'shotgun' that snaps the Major from her daze.

I tilt my head pensively as I turn to look at Suzuhara and see no sign of a rifle in either of his hands or the front seat of Major Katsuragi's car where he is currently seating himself.

'And somehow, others find MY words to be strange...'


	54. The Greener Grass (pt16)

AN: It's Monday, so...UPDATE!

And now it's time for yet another character's debut POV.

•10:36 AM, Saturday October 17, 2015

This is certainly both troubling and disheartening. An 11% drop in Pilot Sohryu's Synch Ratio would be bad enough alone...but Pilot Ikari too?

Granted, his decrease is lower at only 9%, but still...

Out of the three of them, only Rei has seen an increase...a measly 3%.

'I guess Misato wasn't exaggerating. Whatever happened between her charges must have been serious for it to have affected them both like this.'

With a synch rate drop like this, I'll have to inquire her about what happened, whether she likes it or not.

'I wonder if Gendo knows yet...'

Turning from the windows of the command box, through which can be seen the three Test Plugs, I shift my gaze to the visual monitor screen, trying to see if I can detect the strife the Second and Third Children are suffering in their visible expressions.

'Shinji always looks gloomy at best...so he doesn't look much different. Asuka though...'

I can see her face flickering and twitching from time to time; her eyes and mouth clench and tighten as if recoiling from streams of unpleasant thoughts. Her eyes and mouth remain firmly closed, and their movements are very slight...but they coincide almost perfectly with the downward spikes in her synch ratio.

Off to the side, I can hear Misato asking, "How are the Second and Third Children doing?"

Lieutenant Maya Ibuki answers first. "Not good, I'm afraid. Both have suffered a large decrease in their average synch ratio. But Shinji is now a few points ahead of Asuka, and currently in the lead."

Misato looks grim as she nods her acknowledgement, and says nothing further.

Deciding to assuage my growing curiosity, I walk over to my old college friend, and ask the billion yen question. "I know you couldn't tell me before Misato, but...what exactly happened between those two?"

Misato sighs deeply. "I guess you might as well know now." And she begins to weave the tale.

By the time she's finished, I'm feeling a mixture of shock and...

'No...I'd say shock just about covers it.'

Maya on the other hand, despite not technically being in on the conversation, clearly overheard everything, and looks horrorstruck. "How awful," she whispers, her hand covering her mouth. "Why would Asuka do something like that?"

'Because she's a damaged child,' I answer her question to myself. 'Such children can be extremely unstable emotionally. And the Second Child in particular has shown herself to be especially volatile and even violent.'

The initial shock has mostly worn off, and my mind is already telling me that, logically, Asuka's sadistic tendencies and classic narcissism, even if they are largely just a coverup for crippling insecurities, should have made her behavior far less surprising than it might seem initially.

Slightly more troubling is learning that Shinji is, in fact, suicidal. Gendo suspected the Third Child might have come close to it when he ran off back in June, but still...having it confirmed isn't quite the same as believing it to be possible.

As I ruminate, Misato answers Mays's question, "Honestly, I'm not really sure. Kaji and I think she got scared and reacted in the worst possible way."

"Scared?" Maya repeats, sounding confused. "Of Shinji? But why?"

"Maya doesn't know about Asuka's history the way you and I do," I interject, sparing Misato the trouble.

"Her history? What do-"

"Not important right now," I cut across, "Focus on the readings, Maya."

"Y-yes ma'am," Maya says nervously, obediently turning back to her monitor screen.

Walking over to Misato and standing to her left I quietly ask, "So what will you do now?"

"About...?" Misato replies, looking puzzled.

"About Asuka, of course," I say incredulously. "Are you going to let this go unpunished? You are her guardian after all."

Misato doesn't answer for a time. "Honestly, I don't know what I could do," she replies at last. "About the only thing I can threaten her with is to remove her from the active Pilot roster. And that's certainly not an option."

"Well, I suppose you're not wrong," I sigh.

'I'm glad I'm not the one who has to deal with such nonsense.'

"At least..." Misato begins to say, "At least she regrets it though."

"You really think that Misato?" I ask disdainfully, scoffing at Misato's idealism towards her psychotic wards.

"I know so," she retorts, sounding a bit nettled. But she softens her tone again as she turns to look at the Asuka's mostly impassive face on the monitor. "That's probably why her synch ratio has dropped so much."

I think it's more likely that she's afraid that she's one more big mistake away from having her uppity, self-entitled ass thrown out of the Eva Program.

'Good riddance', I think to myself bitterly. 'But I'm not that lucky, am I?'

Commander Ikari needs at least one meatshield until another one can be found.

'Let Misato dream though. Let her think the best of her little basket cases until the end...'

The test continues to pass uneventfully, with the Second Child dragging just behind the Third Child's mediocre lead, and the First Child dangling in the third place.

I decide to let Misato be the one to break the bad news to Her Royal Highness.

'When she hears about her abysmal score, I might enjoy seeing that little brat's ego get cut down to size a little more than is professionally acceptable.'

Not that I'd actually say anything to her, of course, but...

Even if I kept my satisfaction hidden, I'd probably feel bad about it eventually...even if she is an insufferable little wretch.

'Heh. What would Misato think of me?'

Of course, she probably didn't feel so kindly towards Asuka herself when the brat nearly drove her other charity case to take the dive to eternity.

'Wonder what made the little wet blanket decide not to go through with it. He doesn't seem to enjoy life much anyway.'

 _He's not the only one...and yet YOU'RE still here...aren't you?_

I suppose I should be glad he didn't. After all, he can be rather charming in a pitiful sort of way...

'And naturally, it would be difficult to find a replacement for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he broke eventually, but...if he can buck up and continue allowing himself to be strung along by the hope of token praise from his father for just a little longer, we might just get through this.'

 _You would know that, wouldn't you? Yes, you'd know that better than ANYONE...Ritsuko Akagi. After all, you're really not so different from the boy yourself, are you? You even both share the same source of motivation..._

"How is he doing at home?" I ask.

Misato frowns pensively, before answering, "Well...MUCH better than I would have expected, given the circumstances. It helps that Rei has become very protective of him, and also that Asuka's friend, Ms. Horaki, stood up for him against Asuka herself. His friends Aida and Suzuhara have been helpful and supportive as well, and Kaji had a long talk with him right after it...right after he..."

"It's okay, I get the picture," I cut her off gently, seeing her difficultly in stating that painful moment aloud, "That's good to hear. Poor boy needs the support, I'm sure."

"Yeah," she sighs, looking gloomy.

"Something's still wrong though?" I ask, noticing my friend's consternation.

"It's just..." she starts to say, hesitating for a moment, before going on, "I know that I need to be doing more. I need to be saying more to help him...and I just...never know what to do or say. And I know...despite all the emotional support and how much it's helped him..."

She casts a glance and the monitor displaying Shinji's face, her expression troubled. "He's still hurting inside. He's trying to hide it the best he can...but I can tell."

"I suppose that's to be expected," I tell her, hoping my tone sounds sympathetic, even if my words do not. "I don't think anyone could just emotionally shrug off something like that."

Misato nods her head noncommittally, looking no less troubled than before. "And despite everything," she goes on as if she hadn't really heard what I said, "I think he still...misses her. Misses Asuka, I mean."

"Really?" I reply, tilting my head in a gesture of mild curiousity. "Huh. Strange how that sort of thing can happen, even now...after everything that's happened."

 _Not so strange, Ritsuko. Not so strange at all, really._

Deciding I've said my obligated bit, and unsure of what else to say on the matter, I turn my attention back to the original task at hand.

"Ikari isn't going to be happy with these results," I mutter to myself. "But the sooner he knows, the better. I suppose I'll find out if he knows what happened as well."

After bidding Misato farewell and 'good luck', I turn to leave and make the long walk to the Commander's office.

Some time later, after informing the secretary of my visit and obtaining an audience, I make my way into the cavernous office beyond the ludicrously oversized doors.

'It never ceases to amaze me, even now after all this time, how Gendo Ikari can stand to be in a place like this for hours at a time.'

 _Because it's just like him; empty...desolate...dead, yet still breathing._

As always when someone enters his domain, Gendo is not looking down at his desk or focusing on some task to pass the time, but is staring directly ahead at the person who has dared to intrude upon his time. Though the brown irises are invisible beneath the shrouding glare of his glasses, their unflinching stare can be felt as I make my way across the room.

Once I have reached him, a brief silence eclipses the faintly echoing footsteps.

After a moment, he speaks. "Well? You have news concerning the pilots' synch ratios?"

"Yes sir," I reply, feeling the tension of the silence wearing off a bit, "Bad news, unfortunately."

I hand him the reports I've brought with me, and he takes them without a word. His eyes, now visible at close range, dart stoically over the pages.

Upon completion, he places the report on his desk, and turns to me. "A minor problem, but unsurprising. Indeed, I expected the Third Child would fare the worst of the two. It seems he is more resilient than I expected."

My eyes widen a little in mild surprise.

"Yes, Dr. Akagi," he replies with the ghost of a knowing smirk, "I know what took place in the early morning of October 15 at the Katsuragi residence. Katsuragi informed Fuyutsuki who, in turn, relayed the information to me."

"I see," I reply. "What do you intend to do? He is your son after all."

 _Not that you really care about the answer of course. The response...his response...is all that matters to you. A way to measure him...like prodding a test subject...just to see if what you do still hurts it..._

He offers no reply, nor does he show intention of formulating one.

"You approve of Katsuragi's response then?" I press on.

"As long as both pilots are capable of continuing to fulfill their role, I will continue to delegate their care and discipline to Major Katsuragi," he answers at last. "She has been successful thus far, and I see no reason to alter that course of action at the present time."

"And what if their synch ratios continue to decline?" I ask.

"They will continue to pilot until their synch ratios drop below the activation threshold," he answers curtly. "However, even if I have them both removed from the active roster, I will allow both pilots to remain in Katsuragi's care. They could at least still be used as a means of ensuring Katsuragi's continued cooperation and obedience."

I hope for her sake, that if she values the lives and wellbeing of the Second and Third Children, she doesn't try anything reckless.

'I wouldn't put it past him to use one of them as an example of what he'll have done to the other if any of them disobey or defect.'

 _And yet you still are able to love this man...knowing full well what he is..._

"Do you suspect that she's discovered anything she shouldn't have?"

He seems to mull over his reply, before answering, "She is reconnecting physically and, more than likely, emotionally as well with Inspector Kaji, and she is aware that he is employed by the Japanese government as a spy. I would be a fool to discount the possibility that she will seek him out as a potential source of information, especially when she inevitably begins to realize we are keeping secrets from her. And as Agent Kaji himself is likely aware, his days are severely numbered. When he is ultimately disposed of, whether it be by us or his other masters, I suspect he will entrust her with his findings. And his death, no matter by whose hand it is brought about, will only serve to galvanize her will to continue both his quest...and her own. That said, by that point in time, I suspect that even if she discovers anything consequential, she will not necessarily have time to apply it as effective leverage."

He pauses, using his white gloved hand to push his glasses back into place before continuing, "But I have already made at least one oversight involving Katsuragi. I do not intend to make another simply because I expect otherwise."

'He's probably referring to the Third Child being allowed to live with her.' I think to myself.

"Do you have anything else to report?" He asks impassively as he seats himself once more.

"No sir."

He nods. "Very well. Allocate additional resources to your work on the Dummy Plug System and prioritize its completion. It may become necessary sooner than expected."

"Yes sir," I reply, recognizing the unspoken dismissal. But before I take one step forward...

'He had me only two nights ago...will he...?'

It can't hurt to try.

I begin to speak once more after a short silence, "There is one last thing. Will you be-?"

"6:30," he answers sharply, cutting off my question without turning to look at me. "Your apartment."

I nod in acknowledgment, trying not to show any outward sign of relief...or excitement.

 _As if you really still had any dignity left to protect..._


	55. The Greener Grass (pt17)

AN: It's Wednesday...so it's time once again...

And this one...

I've been looking forward to sharing this one for a LONG time.

Just to emphasize how important this update is...it's getting its own lyrical banner AND song

 **Note: Pay CLOSE attention to the dialogue AND the pronouns by which Asuka refers to herself.**

 **Example:** 'my' and _my_

Now, with all of that said...let us begin.

 _"Let's stare the problem right in the eye, it's plagued me from coast to coast._

 _Racing the clock to please everyone, all but the one who matters the most."_

 _"Reflections of reality, are slowly coming into view._

 _How in the Hell could you possibly forgive me?_

 _After all the Hell I put you through."_

 _"It's time for me to deal, becoming all too real._

 _Living in fear, why'd I betray my friend?_

 _Lying until the end, living life so pretend?_

 _It's time to make my amends, I'll never hurt you again."_

/txPKE-tFndo

- **"The Mirror"** by Dream Theater

•11:23 AM

BANG!

"Okay Misato, I know I was probably a little sloppy today. Give it to me straight...how bad are we talking?"

BANG!

"It's not...too bad," Misato had replied, not able to meet my eyes. "I mean, it could've been better...but it could've been a lot worse! So-"

BANG!

"Gottverdammt Misato, don't patronize me! Just tell me the truth..."

BANG!

"Okay, okay. Just...don't let it upset you too much. This is just a bad week, I'm sure you'll do better on the next o-"

BANG!

"Just tell me the fucking truth and get it over with already!"

BANG!

Misato had recoiled slightly...but when she recovered, her expression became neutral and she became much more businesslike as she finally told me the truth. "Your average sync ratio today was 78%."

BANG! BANG!

"W-what?! That...that can't be right!"

"Asuka...I'm sorry."

"No! There has to have been something wrong with the equipment! 78%?! That's a point lower than my score just before shipping out of Germany! A whole eleven points down from the last test where I was tied with Third!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"I'm sorry Asuka," she had said, shaking her head sadly, "The equipment was working perfectly. I even asked about it afterwards, just to be sure."

I didn't even have a response for that...other than the slim chance that this were all some horrible nightmare, my last hope that this was all some awful mistake was gone...except for...

I have to ask.

 _Surely Third...after what happened...his score must at least be lower than mine now._

'Even now,' I thought to myself in disgust, 'That's all that matters to you?'

 _It's ALL we have LEFT now!_

I slumped resignedly as I said, "Okay, I understand. I'll just have to try harder next time I guess. How did First and Third do?"

"That's the spirit," Misato replied in a horribly forced attempt at geniality that made my teeth grind furiously. It also didn't help that she seemed not to have heard my question at the end. "Just don't sweat it too much okay? You won't help yourself by overthinking it. Just stay calm, clear your mind, and you'll be back in the lead again in no time fl-"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

She had stopped herself dead mid-sentence...but the damage was done.

"...what...?"

"Asuka," she said quietly, "I...I shouldn't have-...I wasn't going to-..."

 _No. No. No! No! No! NO!_

I started clutching furiously at my hair. My mind was beginning to spiral into overdrive.

"Asuka!" Misato tried to grab my shoulders in a placating grip. "Just calm down! It's not the end of the world, okay?"

 _This...this can't be..._

Pushing Misato away, I had turned my back on her and walked out of her immediate reach, still clutching at my hair hard enough for the nerves in my scalp to cry out in protest.

'And yet it is,' I had thought back coldly. 'It was all for nothing; everything you...'

I closed my eyes. 'No...everything I did...it was me. I did this...both to him, and to myself. And it was all for nothing.'

BANG! BANG!

Back in the present, I draw my red-clad fist back for yet another blow against the locker door...only to weakly pound it one last time against the still undented surface, whilst resting my head against it in a gesture of surrender.

The cool, smooth steel of the locker against my forehead does nothing to calm the raging torrent of emotions.

I don't really even know what is that I feel anymore...except that one way or another...everything I've built for myself, everything I've ever wanted, everything I've dreamed of or hoped for, everything I've come to expect and demand of myself...it's all toppling inward.

And at the center of this grand implosion, a red-haired child looks around in horror, terrified cerulean irises darting from toppling structure to toppling structure. She realizes that there's no escape...and she collapses into a fetal position, beginning to cry pitifully as the shadows grow larger around her and then swallow her pathetic, shivering form entirely, before-

Even as I empathically feel myself crushed and broken like paste and matchsticks beneath pillars that aren't there and never were, the film unraveling itself behind my eyes returns once more to the conversation that took place less than twenty minutes before continues to ring in my ears...playing out just as clearly as the images that preceded it.

...

For a long time, i just stood there, facing the blank wall, sensing Misato's gaze on the back of my head...wishing she would just leave...and yet, somehow, grateful that she hadn't.

Though my mouth remained silent during those seemingly endless moments, my brain was a mass of noiseless sound and silent fury.

 _Worthless,_ seethed a familiar voice, dripping with the same venom I know all too well. _Useless! Beaten_ _by a fucking nobody! A novice! Someone not even worthy of wiping the shit from your shoe heel has made a fool of you!_

'And of course, even now...you'll find a way to blame your own worthlessness on someone else,' another, much icier voice bites back. 'You've done this to yourself from the beginning, and there's no one to blame but YOU! And you know it, don't you?'

If I must answer myself truthfully...

"How...much?" I had asked my former guardian in a ragged whisper, asking a question whose answer mattered little to me...all in a feeble attempt to escape the invisible war raging inside me.

"How much...?" Misato asked, clearly feigning confusion to stall for time.

"Don't play dumb, Misato!" I snapped at her without turning around. "How much did they beat me by?"

"Well..." she began apprehensively, "Not by too much. I mean..." she paused for a moment.

She's probably afraid I'll take it out on them if she tells me. I can't really blame her, can I? Not after everything that's happened.

"Just tell me, okay?" I soften my voice before continuing, "It's my own problem that my synch score dropped. I won't pretend I'm not pissed to hell about it...but..."

I decided to face her once more, to show her that I meant what I was saying. "The failure is mine...and mine alone."

She hesitates for a moment. And it's only now, when it seems like Misato really will refuse to tell me the answer, that I realize...

Maybe I DO want to know their scores. Maybe the answer DOES matter after all. Maybe I really need to know just how far I need to go before I catch up again.

'And there's another reason...'

 _You want to know if his score dropped too. After all...why should you be the only one to suffer?_

'If his score dropped too...then maybe...you'll know for certain...'

"Well...alright," Misato had said, conceding at last. "You came in second place."

Oh. Well, at least I'm not dead last.

 _For all that it matters, you might as well be._

"Shinji was only two points ahead of you at 80%. Rei was seven points behind you at 71%." She attempted a bracing smile. "Not too bad, right?"

My expression must not have been encouraging, because her smile faltered after a moment. But I found myself surprised and dismayed by what was troubling me most at that moment.

Once more, I had turned my back on Misato and began to walk away...but I paused mid step...and said, without turning around, "Thanks, Misato."

"Asuka?" She replied softly. "I'm serious. Don't beat yourself up over the scores, okay? You'll get better."

"Yeah...okay," I muttered as I rounded the corner. I don't even know if she heard me, but I didn't care. I just needed to get away.

I could feel my rage beginning to swell uncontrollably; but not towards Misato, Wondergirl, or even Shinji.

I stormed into the locker room, standing before my assigned locker, seething with my rapidly uncoiling wrath. For a moment, I tried to hold it back...but it was like trying to compress a metal spring...and when the pressure became too high to contain, it exploded outward as a plugsuit clad arm, firing like a bullet into the metal door.

The pain sang throughout my knuckles and all the way to my shoulder...but I didn't care. It felt good to hurt something...it didn't matter that it was myself this time.

Indeed, as I threw blow after blow at the unyielding surface of the door, hearing the ghost of the conversation with Misato, forcibly reliving the moment that I had become a complete failure, and finally understood the thing I ultimately sacrificed in a stupid, pitiful moment of weakness...I began to understand.

...

It is now, as I stand here before the full lenth mirror, panting, my arms feeling a numb sort of agony, the middle finger on the left glove of my plugsuit filling itself with a small trickle of blood, and staring at the feet of my reflection, that the realization hit me.

I like hurting myself this way.

'You've always enjoyed hurting yourself.'

I look up at the mirror...and see myself. Except...the 'me' in the mirror is not wearing a scarlet plugsuit. Instead...'I' seem to be wearing my yellow sundress...the same one I wore that day back in August when I saw and fought my first Angel...'I'm' even wearing the same light blue choker necklace I wore that day. 'My' expression seems calm...but there's a sad weariness and resignation that makes 'me' look older and wiser than I am.

'You just pretended to enjoy hurting others more, because admitting the truth would have made you feel weak', 'I' say, folding 'my' arms in a stern, rebuking manner. 'But the truth is, every time you pushed someone away...every time you made someone scream how much they hated you...you liked the hurt and loneliness it made you feel.'

'I' sigh, and bow 'my' head slightly...then raise 'my' eyes once more to return my own gaze. 'It was your comfort zone, wasn't it? It made you feel good to know that no one could hurt you if you beat them to it. You felt that, no matter what...any meaningful connections you formed with others would result in them finding a reason to despise you...and then they'd turn their back and walk away, leaving you even lonelier than before.'

'I' lapse into a brief silence...and suddenly, 'my' face cracks a smile; though the smile is slightly wry and sad...there is genuine warmth in the expression. 'But...you know...it doesn't have to be that way anymore. Despite all your mistakes, you're not as horribly unlovable as you thought. Just look at Hikari, Kaji, Misato, and...'

"No," I whisper back. "I know who you're going to say. There's no chance-"

'I agree that it's a slim chance,' 'I' interrupt. 'But it's still possible.'

'My' expression suddenly becomes remorseful. 'His synch score has dropped almost as far as yours did. Combine that with the fact that what we said and did that night hurt Shinji badly enough that he thought about taking his own life.'

'I' bow my head, looking as ashamed as I now feel. 'He really meant it when he said he liked you. And even now, after everything, he's still hurting because of what happened...and maybe he even still misses you.'

I turn away from 'myself'...feeling another emotion swelling inside of me. I clench my fists and grind my teeth...trying with all my might to push it back down.

'Don't fight it anymore. It's okay to feel this way. Even if it's too late to fix anything...running away is only going to hurt you more.'

 _Of course you'd start giving up now!_

I slowly turn around to face the mirror once more. Within the pristine, glass frame stands another me.

 _This one_ could be mistaken for my reflection...but only by someone other than me.

 _I_ am wearing the very same plugsuit I have on...but something seems wrong with the one _I'm_ wearing. Looking closely, I feel a shiver of horror creep down my spine. If one were to peel back the red material of _my_ form fitting suit...I feel a terrible certainty that it would not reveal pale, smooth skin...but raw, bleeding gore. Yes...it seems to breathe and pulsate with a subtle life of its own.

Looking up, I see a cold smile unfurling on _my_ face.

 _Don't look so suprised,_ the _me_ in the mirror sneers. _This is who you are. This is who you've made yourself become over the last ten years. Your life isn't your own, it never has been...and it never will be_ _again._

 _I_ indicate the unnaturally tight plug suit _I_ wear, still with that same chilly smirk curling _my_ lip. _This is your_ _life. This..._ _I_ pinch the material of _my_ plugsuit...and it's all that I can do to keep myself from vomiting at the sight of a vein throbbing just beneath the surface of the scarlet material, _...is all you are. This is all_ _you know...all you could ever been useful for. And now..._

 _My_ smirk vanishes and is replaced with a glare, cerulean eyes blazing with hatred and disgust. It's an expression that fills me with a strange feeling of déjà vu.

Is that what he saw...? Is this what he saw when I-?

 _When you refused to let him hold you back? Refused to give him what belongs only to Kaji?_

I clench my fists so tightly, they begin to shudder. "I've put that behind me. I love Kaji, and I always will. But what I was doing...it was wrong. I didn't stop to consider how I was hurting him with my behavior. I just kept pushing for what I wanted, and pretended Kaji was just playing hard to get...and it was just as much to protect my ego as it was me stubbornly refusing to let go."

I close my eyes, and let the shame wash over me.

He's the father I always needed; the one my so-called 'real' father failed to be. And for years now, I've been forcing him to put more and more distance between us, just so he has room to breathe without me barging into his personal space.

 _Fine, so you've given up on Kaji. Your loss._

I open my eyes to face _myself_ again, meeting _my_ own cold, blue eyes with a glare. "I never would have 'won'. By accepting that, I'll have won more than I ever would have by continuing to throw myself at the man."

"Besides..." My eyes narrow. "You don't really care about that beyond having your ego wounded by the rejection."

 _And look at you, I_ shoot back angrily. _First Kaji...and then your rightful place as the top Eva pilot. What are you going to give up next, huh?_

I turn my back on the mirror. "Letting you control my life."

 _This is all HIS fault isn't it?!_

I stop, but refuse to turn around...already able to see the hate-filled glare burning a hole into my back in my mind's eye.

 _That little bastard finally got to you and made you weak! Just like him._

I turn my head just enough for one eye to look over my shoulder at the mirror, and feel a wave of loathing and revulsion.

I see _myself_ pressed up against the inside of the mirror, wearing a horrific grin...not a smile, but a flashing of teeth that wish to rip and tear and maim and kill.

 _I wish he'd done it,_ the creature hisses through _it's_ curled lip. _I wish he'd had the guts to end his_ _worthless life. And because I do...,_ the awful grin widens, _Deep down...SO DO YOU!_

I turn all the way around and stare at _myself_ with wide eyes that now see nothing but the mirror and the leering _thing_ inside of it.

 _Maybe if he had, I_ crow, still grinning inhumanly at myself, even as I turn around and begin to walk towards the mirror, _You wouldn't have sunk low enough..._

I feel it rather than hear it...

Something seems to be converging within my chest, rapidly gathering strength from all over my body, building simultaneously up higher and higher and yet pressing inwards onto itself until...

 _...to have traded your spine for that pathetic twig of a walking stick!_

It bursts open, and spreads in four different directions. Down to both my feet, propelling them forward...up into my larynx and out of my mouth with such force that the flesh in my throat seems to rend itself into shreds...and finally, into the drawn back fist of my right arm, sending it rocketing forward right into the dead center of _my_ face, whose expression, at the last second, seems to change from savage glee to shocked disbelief.

SMASH!

A spiderweb of cracks erupt across the smooth surface of the mirror, distorting my reflection for a split second before the glass shards fall and rain to the floor at my feet. Taking a step back, I look at my handiwork, and in a small shard near the edge of the gaping hole left by my fist, I see a blue eye glaring back at me...my eye...my own eye.

I breathe a heavy sigh of relief as I collapse onto the bench, and sit for a long while with my face in my hands, and letting the terror and fury of the previous moment bleed out of me like poison drawn from an open wound.

For a time, at least, it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my very soul...

It's early afternoon when I walk into Hikari's house, attempting to pass by Hikari and Nozomi with nothing but a token greeting, ignoring the delicious odor emanating from the stove.

Nozomi gets halfway through a return greeting, before her eyes dart to my hands. "What happened to your hands Ms. Asuka?!"

"Wha-?" I look down at my hands. Most of my knuckles are bruised and discolored, and my left hand is partially caked with dried blood from a laceration on the middle knuckle.

"What the-?" Hikari comes rushing over, taking my visibly worse looking left hand in both of hers. "My god Asuka, what happened to you?" She wrinkles her nose slightly upon inhaling near me.

I suppose I probably do smell pretty awful, since I just changed out of the plugsuit and into my clothes at top speed without bothering to shower first, after sitting in the locker room for a long time beforehand. It also doesn't help that congealed or rancid LCL smells faintly, yet horribly similar to carrion.

"It's nothing," I say evasively, pulling my hand away. "I just need a shower and a long nap or something."

"Ms. Asuka," Nozomi says timidly, "You really should let big sis patch you up. That cut looks nasty."

I open my mouth to tell her, as politely as I can, that I don't need anyone's help to take care of my own damn self...but pause and close my mouth before uttering a word.

'I've spent so long pushing away others that just want to help...people that actually care about me...'

And...I'm not exactly a fan of children...I plan to NEVER have children of my own after all...but I've never found it in me to be mean, or even rude, to Nozomi. Probably because she's Hikari's sister. Though I guess it helps that she's, apparently, a fan of mine.

Whatever the reason, I just sigh defeatedly and nod my head. "But only after I take a shower."

"Okay!" Nozomi replies brightly. "I'll help big sis patch you up!"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," I say offhandedly...though I also feel mildly amused.

Some two hours later, after a lengthy shower, a patching up, and a small but enjoyable late lunch, I finally excuse myself and sequester myself in the room I share with Hikari, and lay down on my bed.

It's only now that I feel safe enough to start asking myself the big question...

What the hell happened to me back there?!

Did I really hallucinate other versions of myself? Or...is that just how I sort of...visualized...my internal conflict? Or would both of those possibilities be more or less the same thing?

If so...I guess it wouldn't be the first time, would it? That night...when Shinji and I...

I saw what I expected to happen in the future if let myself give in...and I panicked. That's it, isn't it?

I turn over and face the wall, glaring at it as if it holds the answers I seek, and is purposefully withholding them to make me suffer.

'And then, to save face, I let my pride tell me that it was because Shinji wasn't good enough...and that I didn't just experience the most wonderful moment of my life when he...he...'

He actually held me...and then...

...

"I HATE YOU!"

...

"I imagined that you were Kaji. And it worked for a moment."

...

"What? You hoped some magical kiss would make me fall into your arms?"

...

"Let me make this very, very clear to you Shinji. I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much, let alone find you the slightest bit appealing."

...

"Kissing you was the most unpleasant, disgusting mistake I've ever made in my life! I wish I could go back and erase it from existence, just so I won't have to remember it!"

...

I curl into a ball, wishing that clasping my hands over my ears could drown out my memories...could extinguish the sound of my own voice casting aside the best thing that's happened to me in the last ten years.

'All because I was scared. The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu ran away; ran like a Gott damned coward from something she really wanted...all because this one thing...this one person...was beyond her ability to completely control.'

Would he have left eventually once he realized how horrible I really am? I guess the answer doesn't really matter anymore, does it?

Despite having excused myself for a nap, the last thing I feel capable of at this moment is sleep. I alternatively sit up and lay down as the hours pass by, watching the light outside the window change and begin to fade into magnificent orange. I bury myself in a silence that is only broken once by a soft knock on the door, and a concerned Hikari asking through the door if 'I'm okay'.

I answer, arbitrarily, that I am...and sincerely thank her for having checked.

Though she sounds unconvinced, she accepts my answer without contradiction and departs, letting me know she'll be back later to check again.

In spite of myself, I smile into the room's growing darkness. 'I may not have been truthful when I answered her...but it's good to know that I haven't managed to ruin every gift life has given me.'

But that joy is short lived...

'There's so much I need to say...and I don't know how to say any of it.'

And what good will any of it do? Even if I can fix everything THIS time...someday down the line, I'll find some way to undo it all, and make things even worse...I always do in the end.

'You should be happy.'

Why?

'You won. You overcame your pride. You've finally admitted the truth to yourself.'

There's nothing to celebrate. I didn't 'win' anything. I've silenced my pride for the moment...but it's not dead. It's part of me...and so is everything it said. Everything...including the words that made me angry enough to smash that mirror.

I bury my face in my hands, clutching fretfully at it as I remember the thoughts...the WORDS of my own mind...

 _"I wish he'd done it! I wish he'd had the guts to end his worthless life. And because I do...deep down...SO DO YOU!"_

No matter how much I wish it weren't so...

No matter how deeply buried within my heart or soul or mind that part of me is, the fact remains...that it's still a part of me.

'That's more than just your pride. Just as you've done...it used your pride as its mask. Self doubt. Self loathing. That's what's underneath the façade. You would know better than anyone, wouldn't you?'

The question sounds accusatory...but in my mind, I can see the 'me' in the yellow sundress smiling warmly.

"Why that sundress anyway?" I ask 'myself'. "It's not the best one I own, you know?"

'My' lip curls into a decidedly mischievous smirk. 'I'm surprised you even have to ask.'

"Because I was wearing that when I met him, right?"

'More than that though...he wasn't so afraid to look at you then. And my oh my, did he ever keep looking at you that day when you wore this. Even though you hadn't quite felt the same at first...you enjoyed the attention more than you'd care to admit. And...', 'my' grin widens from mischievous to slightly lecherous, 'I think you know full well that he'd very much...appreciate...seeing you wear this again someday.'

'I' strike a pose to emphasize the point.

I almost smile in amusement...but remembering where things now stand...

"I think the chance to do that is well out my reach now."

'For now, maybe.'

I scoff out loud at 'my' own optimism.

'It's not going to be easy, of course.'

"I think you mean 'impossible'."

'Not impossible.'

I bury my face in the pillow, wishing 'I' would just go away, and stop speaking nonsense.

'I know you're still afraid. But...you made a big step forward today. Just listen to yourself! You've never spoken this openly before...or rather...'

'I' smile encouragingly. 'WE'VE never spoken this openly before. And you're admitting the truth on your own...not just through me. There may even come a day...', 'my' smile becomes enigmatic, '...that you won't need me at all anymore.'

"And just who are you?"

'I' look back at myself, still with that same odd smile. 'I'm the part of you that you've shut away out of fear.'

"You almost seem like a different person."

'And yet, everything I am is, in fact, a part of you.' 'I' place a hand on my shoulder, and it feels like there's nothing there physically...but at the same time...I can feel...something.

'There's work we have to do', 'I'

say, suddenly businesslike. 'Maybe not today or tomorrow. But when the time is right...'

How will I know?

'You'll probably just have to keep a sharp watch out for it.'

Even then...I don't know that I can...

'You've come further in several days than you have in years...remember that.'

"Then maybe..."

I decide to try something. It seems wild...insane even, but..

'Do it. Even a small step forward like this...'

For the first time in over a full day, I reach into my bag, and pull out a slightly dirty pink shirt.

'If this is how you can start to move forward...start small.'

I hold Shinji's shirt close to me. Not caring at all about the vaguely unpleasant smell emanating from the garment, thanks to its brief stint in the dumpster, I press my lips to it...and whisper three words into the part where his left shoulder would be.

"Shinji...I'm sorry."


	56. The Greener Grass (pt18)

AN: Goodness, I'm late with this update! Sorry about that...I was trying to hammer out a segment of Chapter 8 and finish it before posting the next segment here (to give me the motivation to pick up the pace a little).

Now that the rough draft of 8.7 is done...we're back in business :)

So here goes...Mr. Aida has the floor.

•3:51 PM

I pause a few meters from the door at the end of the apartment walkway, and glance sideways at the door to my right.

'It's not even 1600 yet,' I think to myself, 'And Toji's always late anyway. I probably have a minute or two.'

I walk to the intercom button and press it.

There's a moment of silence before a quiet voice crackles through the dusty speaker. "Yes?"

"Uh..." I say, clenching up slightly in fear. "Hi, uh, Ms. Ayanami. It's, uh, me..." I stand there stupidly with my finger on the button, before remembering to add, "um...Aida?"

Silence...and then...

"Please wait a moment," crackles back out.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I nod...before remembering that she can't see me nod through a speaker.

'Geez,' I chide myself, 'Get it together Kensuke. Remember, she just a g-'

The door slides open and before me stands Rei Ayanami.

'-irrrrlllllegs legs narrow waist panties boobs boobs bra and WHY THE HELL IS SHE DRESSED IN NOTHING BUT HER UNDERWEAR?!'

"Aida," she acknowledges me with a nonchalant inclining of her head, "You wish to speak with me?"

'Huhwha-? Did the leggyboobs just ask me a question?'

She seems a bit confused now. I must be standing here like a total idiot with my jaw hanging all the way down to my-

'Oh...and now that's happening...'

"Aida?" She asks, sounding mildly concerned, "Is something wrong?"

'Wrong? Nuh uh. Thiz gud. Ken a happy boy.'

 _No seriously, enough is enough. Grow up, will you?_

'I think we're good on that o-'

 _Stop that!_

I feel like I should maaayyybe turn away and politely remind her that she should cover up when answering her front door...

'But let's be honest here, I'm not exactly...unhappy...with this. A little overwhelmed maybe...but unhappy? Nope.'

 _No wonder girls find you so repulsive._

'Hey, screw them! Besides, it's not like Ayanami minds. She chose to answer the door looking like this, didn't she? If she minded me admiring the view, she'd have known better than to-'

 _Would've 'known better'? That the best you've got?_

I find myself deflating at the sobering possibility I've just considered.

What if Ayanami really DOESN'T know any better? She's never had any friends that I know of. And what's more, if she's like some of the other kids in class, she might be missing one...or even BOTH parents. She might not have any knowledge of how to properly greet visitors. After all, intentional exhibitionism really doesn't seem to be Ayanami's style.

Shaking my head to clear it and pull myself together, I tear my eyes away and take several steps back, feeling a guilty heat rising up in my cheeks.

"Aida?" I hear light, tentative footsteps approach. "Are you alright? You seem...distressed?"

"Uh, um...fine...I'm...fine," I stammer out.

"Oh." I turn to face her, and my heart leaps a little when her concern changes to a small, relieved smile. "I am glad to know this. I was worried for a moment."

'She was...worried?'

It's then that I decide to stop goofing around. "Uh, Ayanami?"

"Yes Aida?"

I rub the back of my neck nervously. "Why did you answer the door in nothing but your underwear?"

She blinks...but rather than looking confused afterwards, she instead looks slightly dismayed.

"Oh. Am I still doing it wrong then?"

I'm the one left to blink in confusion. "D-doing it...wrong? What do you-"

But my question is interrupted by the sound of another door sliding open.

"Oh, hello Mr. Aida," Misato calls out cheerily. "Having a nice chat with Ms. Rei are w-"

She stops mid sentence after taking a good look at Rei...and slaps a hand to her face, clearly trying very hard not to laugh. "Well...that's certainly an improvement. But still..."

She walks over to the blue haired girl, and whispers something in her right ear. After a moment, Misato pulls away from Ayanami, and the girl's eyes dart back to me.

"I see," she says, nodding to Misato, her red irises still fixed on me. Then, turning to face me fully, she bows apologetically. "I am sorry Mr. Aida. Please give me a moment."

She walks back into her apartment, the door sliding closed behind her.

I turn to face Misato, who, seeing my nonplussed expression, smiles wryly back at me and says, "Rei doesn't entertain very often. And..." her smile fades somewhat, "She was living by herself before I moved her here."

I frown in sympathetic discomfort. It had been rumored by some that the area Ayanami had once lived in was an urban wasteland...something Shinji had eventually confirmed shortly after Ayanami had told us that she'd be moved here at Misato's insistence. The thought of such an innocent and seemingly naive girl like her to be living in such a dangerous area ALONE is troubling to say the least.

'And it's only now...after that incident at the door, and seeing her reaction to realizing that it's not normal behavior that I know just how innocent and naive she really is.'

Needless to say...I'm feeling like a lecherous piece of shit for having enjoyed her unwitting display for even a moment now, rather than doing the right thing immediately and telling her to put more clothes on.

'Well, to be fair, I guess I didn't know...and I was ABOUT to tell her. That counts for something...right?'

I don't feel much better...so I guess not.

 _Kinda makes you think a little bit about your habit of taking 'beauty shots' of the girls in class and then selling them, doesn't it?_

'Hey! Some of them, like Sohryu, always seem to bask in the attention they get; always preening and strutting about like they own the fucking world because they're better looking than everyone else. Why shouldn't me and Toji be able to make a few yen off of their looks? It's not like they're really racy shots anyway, so-'

 _It's still exploitation and an invasion of their privacy._

'Well...maybe...but-'

 _Now ask yourself...would you do something like that to Ayanami?_

'No, of course not! Ayanami isn't like them! She's actually pretty nice once you get to know her. And she's clearly unaware of how she could be taken advantage of if some creep were to...were to...'

 _Were to...what exactly? Take sneaky photos of her and sell them to his classmates?_

'I...but...'

 _Uh huh? Now you're thinking about the implications, aren't you? Sure, those other girls may be more self-aware of themselves that way...but now that you understand how it is to worry about someone you care for having their ignorance exploited...how do you think those girl's friends or families might feel if they found out some creep took unwanted pictures of someone they care about? And did you ever stop to consider that those girls have feelings too? Or did you just see them as objects to ogle and drool over?_

'All of them treated me like shit first, you know...as less than human.'

 _And that makes it okay to dehumanize them right back?_

'It's not dehumanizing! They're just photos!

 _You treated them as objects whose features could be exploited...not as beings with feelings that could be hurt._

'I could've taken actual dirty photos and paid them back in full anytime I wanted. I never did anything like that!'

 _And you know perfectly well that you damn well might have tried...if you weren't so afraid of the repercussions you might have to face!_

'That's...not-'

 _You can't lie to me! You know I'm right._

'...'

 _In any case...it's time to grow up, Kensuke. Time to stop._

I hear Rei's door slide open, and she emerges wearing her school uniform, still looking slightly perplexed.

Seeing her expression, and knowing why she's so vexed, makes another ripple of guilt tear through me.

'I think you're right. I wouldn't want anyone to take advantage of Ayanami. So...'

 _At least be someone who doesn't deserve the contempt that others feel._

"Rei?" Misato asks, looking mildly troubled herself. "Is that...all you have to wear?"

Ayanami looks down at herself, frowning as she examines her clothing, as if looking for holes or stains. Seemingly finding nothing of the sort, she turns back to Misato.

"There are no problems that I can see with what I am wearing," she replies, with a surprising undercurrent of...exasperation?

"No, no," Misato replies placatingly, "That's not what I mean, Rei. I mean...well, it's just...if you're going out, wouldn't you want to wear something other than your school uniform?"

Ayanami blinks in confusion. "I was not planning on going anywhere this evening. I merely dressed myself to comply with the societal norm of not accepting visitors while naked...even in one's own home," she replies, her tone at the end suggesting a mixture of bemusement...and a hint of irritation.

I stare at Ayanami in wonderment. 'Does...that imply...what I think it-'

 _Stop that! You know perfectly well she didn't know better before being told a moment ago, so pull your mind out of the gutter!_

"Oh," Misato replies, looking from Ayanami to me and then back. "I'm sorry, I had just assumed that Mr. Aida was inviting you to join Shinji, Suzuhara, and himself for their night on the town."

"Oh right," I say, smacking myself in the forehead, causing Ayanami to look back at me, "That's actually why I knocked on your door. I, um, wanted to ask...if you'd be interested in going with us...to the arcade?" The invitation ends up sounding more like a tentative question by the end.

Ayanami blinks once, and then answers, "According to Major Katsuragi, I am improperly dressed for this venture you are suggesting. And I have no other clothes that significantly differ from these."

Both me and Misato stare at Ayanami in mild amazement. I'm guessing she must have heard it too...

'I think Ayanami actually just snarked at someone!'

Misato quickly explains what she meant by what she had said earlier, and gently tells Ayanami that she doesn't HAVE to change again.

Seemingly placated by this, Ayanami seems to be considering an answer to the invitation...but abruptly looks troubled, and turns back to Misato. "Is this an activity that Commander Ikari would disapprove of?" Ayanami's expression suggests that she knows what answer to expect...and is dreading the confirmation.

Misato however, appears to be ready to nonchalantly wave off such a question...but herself pauses mid-motion, frowning to herself, then at Rei, and her eyes dart briefly towards me before looking off to the side again.

Her frown deepens for a moment, and she nods resolutely to herself, clearly having made her decision firmly and without any intention of bending.

She turns back to Rei, wearing a bright, determined, and throughly unapologetic smile.

Just over an hour later, I stand waiting in line for the arcade's concession stand; thankfully, the queue isn't very long. The cacophony of the machines, the cheers, curses, and cajoling mutters of the patrons, and the smell of food ahead fills me with a tranquility that contrasts with the surrounding chaos. Turning back to look over my shoulder at where Ayanami stands with Shinji, I grin softly as I remember the moment that Misato gave her permission to come with us.

Ayanami had just asked if Commander Ikari would disapprove. I myself couldn't imagine why he would...but Misato had apparently needed to consider that question before answering.

But when she did...

"You know what Rei?" Misato had said, "I really don't think he will."

Her bold grin seemed to suggest that she actually thought otherwise...but simply didn't care.

"You are...certain?" Rei had replied, sounding...hopeful?

"When's the last time you had day for yourself?" Misato asked in turn, deflecting the question. "Go out! Have fun! Hell, get into some trouble or something!"

I shot Misato a warning look, hoping that she was aware of Ayanami's tendency to take things literally.

Misato hastily added, "Well...maybe ignore that last one. But, the point is Rei," her smile returned, softer and more genuine now, "You've got one life...go out and live a little! You only get to be a kid once, you know? Looking at things that way, I don't think Commander Ikari would object to letting you have some time for yourself."

Something about Misato's words seemed to trouble Ayanami...and she still looked doubtful and unconvinced.

"And you know what, Rei?" Misato spoke up, looking determined once more, "If he does have an issue...which I don't think he will...let me deal with it." She grinned broadly at Rei. "I'll tell him I ORDERED you to go have fun!"

Ayanami gazed back at Misato in what seemed to be mild wonder. "Are you giving me an order, Major?"

Misato, sounding faintly exasperated but mostly amused replied, "Yes Rei, I am ORDERING you to go with them tonight! Don't you disappoint me now!" And with an indulgent wink, she turned and walked back to her apartment...stopping just before the door. "Oh, and Mr. Aida?"

"Y-yes Misato?" I replied, feeling myself blush reflexively at having been addressed directly by the gorgeous older woman.

"You three make sure you take good care of her, and keep an eye out for her," she said, her stern tone marred by a noticeably mischievous smile, "This is a highly important assignment for you all, and I won't tolerate any failures, understand?"

"Yes ma'am!" I answered, snapping into an enthusiastic salute.

She stifled a giggle, and promptly returned the salute...rather less neatly than mine had been. "Carry on, Lt. Aida! I'll go let Corporal Ikari know that his commanding officer is here."

Back in the present, I can't help but sigh longingly, "What a woman..."

"Hah! Woman? Knowing you, Otomegane, it's probably some badly drawn picture of a half-naked cat girl beckoning you with her tail," scoffs an unpleasantly familiar voice.

Scowling, I turn to face Kanae Matsuura; as ever, she wears a dismissive smirk when addressing me.

"Of course YOU'D be here," I mutter acidly.

"And of course you'd be here BY YOURSELF," retorts Matsuura, folding her arms disdainfully, "Mumbling to under your breath about some imaginary 'woman' in one of your perverted otaku fantasies."

I turn my back on her, trying to maintain a stoic mask to cover up the fact that I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.

'She doesn't know ANYTHING about me!' I tell myself, trying to take it all in stride. 'She's just some spiteful bitch that needs to make other people squirm to feel better about herself. Just ignore her. I know what she's saying about me isn't true...and her opinion shouldn't matter to me anyway!'

"Probably just as well though," I can hear Matsuura saying, "I mean, how else are you gonna take a load off? It's not like any REAL woman w-"

"Kanae!" another familiar voice angrily cuts across her scornful diatribe, "Knock it off!"

Striding over from a moderate-sized group of unhappily familiar faces is an irate Yuko Miyamura.

"Yuko," Matsuura replies placatingly, though throwing a dirty look my way, "Come on, it's just Aida. What do you care if I-"

"I've told you, I don't like it when people act like that," Miyamura rebukes. "I don't care who it is. And in any case Aida wasn't bothering you."

Matsuura pouts immaturely. "Sure, take his side over your friend."

"Kanae, I was watching from over there," Miyamura replies sternly, "I'm not blind. Now go over and wait for me, okay? I know what you wanted, I'll get it and bring it to you. Just go wait over there." She points at the group she came from, all of whom are now watching the current exchange with a sort of lofty amusement.

"Ugh fine," huffs Matsuura, glaring at me she walks away, muttering, "At least now I don't have to stand behind the Otomegane, staring at the back of his greasy head."

Miyamura watches her friend join the rest of the group, and meets their incredulous and disapproving stares with a defiant expression, before turning back to me with a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry about Kanae," Miyamura says apologetically. "She's actually not so bad once you get to know her better, but..." she shrugs sadly, "I won't waste time trying to convince you."

"I-It's fine," I say, waving my hand dismissively, half-hoping she'll go away and just leave me alone.

'Probably just pretending to be nice so she can make a fool of me too,' I say to myself bitterly.

"No," she replies, "It isn't fine." Her expression looks surprisingly sincere.

"Well..." I say tentatively, "I'm kind of used to it anyway. I try not to let it bother me anymore. But...thanks anyhow, Ms. Miyamura."

"No problem," she replies, with a soft smile.

I look over at her friends. All of them are muttering ominously and darting glares at both of us.

Feeling a bit guilty at the awkward position defending me seems to have put Miyamura in, I tell her, "I don't think your friends are very happy with your having stood up for me."

She spares them a glance, and snorts rather dissmissively as she turns back to me. "Don't mind them. They'll get over it...and it they don't..." she shrugs, "Kanae is the only one who's really close to me. Even if they all walk away, she won't."

I can't help but find that very hard to believe...but I'm not about to argue. But still...

"I don't understand," I tell her, after both of us have made our purchases. "Why would someone like you-...I-I mean...why would you..." I find myself unable to complete the sentence.

Miyamura smiles. "Why wouldn't I? No one deserves to be treated like that. Besides..."

I sense the slight shift in her tone, and look back up into her face. Her benevolent smile has vanished, she suddenly looks rather grave.

"Sometimes mistreating the wrong person can have consequences," she continues, fixing me with a piercing look. "I think you know a thing or two about that though, don't you?"

I suddenly feel extremely uncomfortable. In particular, the tip of the index finger I use to press the shutter snap on my stills camera is tingling violently.

"I-I...I," I start stammering in a decidedly incriminating way, "I-I'm...not quite sure w-what you mean by th-"

"Aida look," she cuts across. Surprisingly, she doesn't sound angry. Business-like would be more accurate, "I know about that little operation you and Suzuhara run. My older brother is a devoted and regular patron of yours."

'Oh...shit! If she knows...'

"Relax Aida, I'm not going to tell anyone...though I think you'd be surprised to hear just how many of the girls DO know already."

'W-What?! Then why...?'

"But a lot of them are afraid if they start talking, they might be next to find pictures of themselves floating around."

'But...I only took beauty shots of the ones who gave me some kind of misery at some point! It's not like I just choose them at random or-'

"That's not why I didn't say anything though. Honestly, I kind of felt that a lot of those girls had it coming. You know the type, I'm sure. And it's not like you're the only person they've picked on."

At that last line, I manage to find my voice again. "Are you saying..."

Unable to help myself, I look the thoroughly attractive Miyamura up and down, then over at her cluster of friends and back to her, trying to envision the implication she's just made.

She seems to guess at what I'm thinking, and smiles wryly. "Not at this school so much...but a few years back? Oh boy, they were RELENTLESS."

She sighs, her face hardening a bit. "I meant it when I said I didn't like it when people acted like that. I'd understand if you still don't exactly believe me though."

I can barely believe what I'm hearing...but she seems genuine...

"But...well...um," she continues, heaving a deep, regretful sigh, "I hate having to do this..."

'Oh great...here it comes...'

"How...how much do you want?" I ask, bracing myself for the unreasonably high amount.

 _You brought this on yourself..._

"Wha-...oh no not money!" she replies with a nervous laugh. "No...it's just..."

She hesitates for a moment, darting a furtive look over at Matsuura, then looks back at me. "I know this makes me a huge hypocrite, but...Kanae is my friend...my best friend. I know...she can be a real jerk, and she's been horrible to you...but please...please don't target her next...or...I'm sorry...but..."

She seems unable to complete her sentence...but she doesn't have to. The 'or else'...no matter how reluctant it may be, is plain as day.

'But truthfully...'

"I...I won't," I tell her, to her visible and immense relief. "In fact...", I go on, earning a curious look from Miyamura, "I think...maybe...it's time I put that little sideshow to rest anyway."

Miyamura raises her eyebrows...I can't tell if it's surprise or skepticism. "Really?"

"I guess you could say...I feel like I've...outgrown that sort of behavior." I rub the back of my head awkwardly, inadvertently glancing towards Rei where she stands speaking to Shinji. "That...and...people are actually scared of me? To the point that they're too afraid to speak up?"

At one time...I wanted that so much. I'd have given almost anything to be feared by anyone who'd dare to mess with me and be taken seriously as a force to be reckoned with...

But it doesn't feel as good as you thought...

"I guess it makes me feel like I'm really no better than they are, you know?" I hang my head a little, the weight of my words becoming palpable.

"I see," Miyamura says, nodding her head. "Well, I think that's very mature of you, Mr. Aida."

"I guess so," I say with a shrug. "I guess I just started to think about what it would feel like if someone I cared about had some creep take beauty shots of them without their knowledge or consent."

Once more, without thinking, I turn to look at Ayanami...and in the corner of my eye, I see Miyamura's lip curl into a knowing smile.

"Ah, so that's why," she says, sounding amused.

Quickly turning back to Miyamura, my face immediately starts to burn with embarrassment. "W-What do you mean?"

To my horror, her eyes flit towards Ayanami...though they linger much longer on Shinji...before looking back at me. "Ayanami huh?"

"I-I...wait, WHAT?! N-No! I-It's not like that! I-I mean..."

Her expression becomes shrewd and rather mischievous. "Well, Mr. Aida...I think we might be able to...help one another out here."

"H-how?"

Her grin widens. "Just watch. I'll dive in first, and clear the way. Then you..." Her eyes indicate Ayanami. "...improvise."

And with that, Miyamura marches purposefully towards Ayanami and Shinji, only turning back to call out a hasty, "Good luck!" over her shoulder.

I watch in stunned and silent amazement as Miyamura walks right up to Shinji, pausing only to offer Ayanami a token greeting before snaking an arm around his left elbow and lightly clasping his upper arm with her other hand. I can't hear what either of them are saying...but Shinji appears to be a stammering, flustered mess, and even from all the way over here, I can almost feel the heat radiating from his now bright red face.

Ignoring his stuttering embarrassment, Miyamura then steers him away and out of sight, all the while grinning with bright...and slightly wolfish...enthusiasm.

In the wake of their hurried departure, Ayanami simply stands exactly where she was when Miyamura dragged Shinji away...but her inaction seems to be more out of confusion than indifference, and as I approach, she evens seems mildly fretful, as if unsure whether or not to follow them.

"Ayanami? What just happened? Where did Miyamura drag Shinji off to?"

She turns to face me, and I can see the mixture of bemusement and irritation in her crimson irises. Though her tone remains more or less neutral as she replies, "Miyamura sought Ikari's assistance in 'dancing the night away'."

"Dance the night aw-", I begin to repeat back confusedly, before remembering that this arcade does in fact have at least two dance simulator games.

Ayanami fixes me with a curious stare as I begin to chuckle, "Oh now THAT'S something I've GOT to see."

Walking a short distance in the same direction that Miyamura dragged Shinji, I round a corner just in time to, sure enough, see her ushering Shinji onto the platform of one of the dance simulators before moving to the adjacent one herself.

A small crowd is gathering around them, and I can hear a steadily loudening mixture of cheers and wolf-whistles.

Standing in his slightly elevated position, Shinji looks around at the crowd with an expression of white-faced terror.

Suddenly from my right, I notice movement, and Ayanami walks past me, her pace slow but purposeful.

"Oh, Ayanami," I call out, "Are you going to go watch?"

The blue-haired girl stops and turns to face me. "Ikari seems distressed. I wish to ensure that he is alright."

I open my mouth...but before I can say a word to reassure Ayanami that Shinji is simply very shy and probably just uncomfortable with all the attention, I see movement on the stage and hear the impromptu audience begin to hush.

Miyamura has walked over to Shinji and placed a hand on his shoulder. Then she leans in closer, whispering something into his ear...something that makes his ashen face turn incandescent red as she pulls away with the same impish smile from before and walks back to her side of the stage.

A moment later, the selected track starts up and...despite my cynical assumption that Shinji would either freeze or run offstage...he, along with Miyamura, steps in time with the symbols on the flashing screens.

To my even greater surprise, he seems to actually be doing a good job, if the rapidly swelling cheers from the audience are any indication.

'Then again,' I chide myself, 'It's really not all that surprising is it? That game is probably a cake walk compared to that dance program he and the Red Demon had to master back when they were preparing to fight the Seventh Angel.'

After several minutes, the song comes to an end, and the crowd seems to erupt.

Shinji turns to face them all, eyes wide with shock and disbelief. But, when a beaming Miyamura bounds over to him and hoists his left arm into the air, he briefly turns to face her. When he looks back out at the crowd, I'm surprised to see a genuine, albeit bashful, smile on his face.

However that surprise is nothing compared to my sheer amazement when Shinji, after some brief coaxing from Miyamura, actually agrees to do a SECOND round.

As the stereo begins to thud out a much faster and more intense song, I turn back to Ayanami and say, "Well, looks like he's doing okay after all, huh?"

Ayanami does not answer immediately. Her eyes flit from Shinji to Miyamura, who, judging by her movements, seems eager to show herself off a bit. And given Miyamura's frequent aside glances at Shinji...I'm guessing that her little display probably isn't for the crowd's benefit.

After a moment, Ayanami speaks. "I suppose then..." she begins quietly, "...I should leave him be." And she turns and walks away...but not before I see a certain sadness cloud her face.

'Oh dear...'

I watch her slowly retreating back, wondering what on Earth to say or do...

"Yo Ken!"

I turn to see Toji striding towards me, both fists exploding with prize tickets. "Hey Toji. Say, why do you bother collecting those? Most of the prizes are cheap junk that you could buy for a fifth of what you're spending to earn those tickets."

"Because, it's a challenge," Toji responds blithely. "I like finding out how many tickets I've managed to win. Besides..." his tone becomes more serious, "There could be something nice I could win for Sakura. You know, for next time I go see her?"

"Ah, right," I acknowledge with a grim nod.

For a moment, the atmosphere darkens at the memory of the eight-year old girl lying gravely injured and unlikely to walk again in Hakone Memorial Hospital.

"So," Toji interjects, his tone clearly displaying a need to brighten the mood once more, "Did you two get a load of the 'Lord Of The Dance' over there?"

He sniggers as he turns to regard Shinji, who, at the conclusion of the second round, is at last stepping down from the platform to a mix of cheers and disappointed moans.

But it appears that Miyamura is not yet finished with him, as she sweeps the two of them away and out of sight. Notably, Shinji, despite still being pulled along by her, seems far less hesitant this time.

"Well," Toji comments, raising his eyebrows, "Looks like Miyamura is through beating around the bush, huh?"

Ignoring Ayanami's questioning head tilt at the metaphorical statement, Toji excuses himself to go and acquire a bag for all the tickets he's carrying, indicating that he's far from done.

As he walks away, Ayanami turns back to me and begins to open her mouth...but I beat her to it.

"What Toji meant is that Miyamura isn't just making hints or suggestions anymore. She's actively pursuing Shinji now." I nod towards the now dispersing crowd around the dance simulator. "And by the look of it...she wants EVERYONE to know it too."

"Does Ikari find Miyamura's intrusions to be agreeable?" Despite the even tone of her voice, her use of the word 'intrusions' and the very slight drooping of her posture make her opinion of the matter clearer than even she probably realizes.

'So this probably is a lost cause then...still, maybe I shouldn't give up just yet.'

"I...don't know to be honest," I answer truthfully. For all my amusement at Shinji's expense and my envy at his seemingly good fortune in attracting the attentions of Yūko Miyamura, I honestly can't help but wonder if he really is just letting himself be dragged around because he's too polite and meek to say no.

Though...he HAS certainly become MUCH more assertive in telling people when they've really pissed him off, at least if his outburst in the classroom...and the one outside the train station directed at the RED DEMON HERSELF are any indication.

"I think at this point, Shinji would probably at least hint to Miyamura that he wants to be left alone if he really wanted her to leave him be."

"I see." This time, the wistfulness of the simple statement actual leaks into her voice.

I smile sadly at her, understanding exactly how she must feel right now. "You like him too, don't you?"

Ayanami blinks and frowns pensively to herself before answering, "I find Ikari's company agreeable...even...enjoyable at times."

Her frown changes to one of bitterness, as she continues, "But when Pilot Sohryu arrived here, I began to see less and less of Ikari. I suppose a part of me had begun to hope that things would return to the way they were before after Pilot Sohryu was exiled from Major Katsuragi's apartment. And now..."

She turns to...

'Is she actually...glaring?!'

...look in the direction where Miyamura was last seen with Shinji.

"Miyamura seems similar to Pilot Sohryu in some ways."

I let out a snort of mirth at the irony of that statement. "That's funny considering how much they hate one another."

"That does not come as a surprise," Ayanami replies coolly. "Pilot Sohryu seems to despise everyone save for Inspector Kaji and Class Representative Horaki. I sometimes get the impression that she even despises herself, despite her attempts to give the opposite impression."

Returning to the original topic however, Ayanami sighs as she says, "At the very least, however, Miyamura does not seems to share Sohryu's penchant for violence and quickness to anger. I suppose that is good."

'Here's hoping,' I think to myself. 'If things work out for Shinji...'

But how to go about it now? I'm pretty hopeless at dance sims, so that probably wouldn't work out too well. And it also might not help Ayanami direct her thoughts elsewhere. If I thought it might help, I might have at least considered letting Ayanami repeatedly steamroller me at the game, despite the massive ego bruising it would have cost me.

But as it is, my eyes happen to rest on just the cure this stagnation needs.

'Of course! This game is right up my alley...and Ayanami might be just the partner I need to finally beat the damn thing!'

"Hey Ayanami, over here!"

Several minutes later, after a brief tutorial and explaination, Ayanami and I stand before a gigantic screen emblazoned 'Time Crisis 4', plastic pistols held aloft and at the ready. The screen displays the words 'Stage 1' on both sides and the game begins.

Once the enemies are in sight, we both begin to fire, Ayanami missing the first few shots, but seeming to get the feel quickly as the waves of mooks rapidly begin to fall.

Soon we are on the move once more, and Ayanami immediately begins to fire slow, but frighteningly accurate shots at the AI goons, nearly all of them instant kill shots.

After clearing that hallway, we move to the next corner. Only pausing to reload, Ayanami emerges once more and procceds to lay waste to the brains and hearts of every mook unfortunate enough to enter her sights, all the while staring at the screen with the impassive coolness of a true warrior.

I find myself rather transfixed at the sight of the blue-haired girl's cold professionalism as she aims the pistol-controller as if it weren't merely a useless piece of plastic and electronics, gunning down her foes without an ounce of mercy or restraint, crimson irises narrowed with vigilant focus.

'Should I be worried about the mild discomfort I'm feeling in the down forward right now?' I think to myself as a few drops of sweat cascade down my forehead. 'Though I guess I've always known I had a thing for 'action girls'.

It's only then that I notice that the gun controller is dangling loosely at my side, my lower jaw dangling idiotically. Ignoring the giggles and guffaws of some of the onlookers, I snap back to the game, just in time for Ayanami's character to collapse.

Ayanami's posture relaxes, and she lowers her weapon, looking resigned and grim. She turns to me and says, "I apologize Aida. I have failed," and moves to return the weapon to its sleeve.

"Hold on Ayanami," I reply hurriedly, "You're not dead yet!" And, with one eye on the screen and firing my weapon in the general direction of the mooks attacking us, I slide a yen note into the money slot on her side of the console. "There you go!"

Ayanami nods and turns back to the screen, retrieving and raising her weapon, her body tensing once more into combat mode. "Ready."

The next scene is a standoff at a door that takes thirty seconds as to open.

"Let's do this," I reply, feeling a grin spread across my face, as we take our positions.

And then the countdown begins...

Nearly forty minutes later, after the game's credits have begun to roll, Ayanami and I regard one another with a mutual nod, and reholster the controller guns.

"That was awesome!" I say with a broad grin. "You were amazing Ayanami!"

"It was not very difficult once I understood the controls," the blue-haired girl replies, "It was considerably easier than the Evangelion combat simulations I've trained with." Despite sounding mildly dismissive of the game, however, she turns to me with the ghost of a small smile. "You were also quite impressive. Where did you acquire such skill?"

Heat shoots straight to the top on my head at the compliment, and it's all I can do to answer without stuttering. "Well, uh, it's actually no big deal really. I've played that game a few times already, but I've never been able to beat the whole thing. I've gotten close...very close. But..." I shrug, "...I always ran out of time or money. But with your help," I say, smiling over at her, "We just blazed right through it!

"Although..." I add, scratching the back of my head sheepishly, "I think it'd be more accurate to say that I was the one helping you. I'll bet you could've done it without me!"

This time, Ayanami actually does smile. "I am not so certain of that. And besides..." she turns to face me, "...I do not think the game would have been enjoyable without your assistance."

For once, I'm grateful that her eyes don't linger on me. I can tell that my face is most likely turning the color of a radish.


	57. The Greener Grass (pt19)

AN: Well peeps, this is the third to last update for Chapter 7.

With this Shinji POV, and only two remaining afterward, let us ready the strings with which we shall draw the curtains to a close on this 40,000 word chapter.

Note: Also, I feel obligated to point out that the one scene in this segment is basically a ripoff of a scene in Chapter 4 (though it's the 5th Chapter entry on FFN) of Mike313's Superwomen of Eva 2: The Ultimate Rush...except in that story that it was karaoke instead of a dance sim.

Now, with all that said and done...let's begin :)

•5:11 PM

Generally, I have to say that I hate surprises. I like my days to be predictable, so that all the obstacles life seems to enjoy throwing at me can be easily dodged or avoided.

I guess some people would find that kind of life to be boring...and I guess it can be sometimes...and sometimes the more surprising moments have made me happier than I would've expected.

But usually...

 _"W-Wait! Father...where are you going?"_

The unexpected moments in my life...

 _"Father! P-Please come back!"_

...have brought nothing but terror...

 _"Shinji Ikari...you will pilot it."_

...and pain...

 _"Unfortunately, kissing you was more...sickening...than I had expected. So, I imagined that you were Kaji instead..."_

...

"Ikari?"

I jump a little in surprise, my eyes focusing on the owner of the soft voice. "Oh, uh, sorry Rei. I...uh, zoned out for a moment there."

Rei blinks, but otherwise looks impassive. "I see. Would you like me to repeat my answer to your question?"

"Question?" I ask, feeling slightly confused. "What question?"

Rei tilts her head, looking slightly wrongfooted herself...but then, comprehension dawns on her face, and she replies, "You had expressed your surprise that I elected to accompany you, Aida, and Suzuhara this evening. Such a statement often implies an unspoken question, I think. But..." she averts her eyes, "Perhaps the assumption was a premature one."

"Oh right," I reply, now remembering the words I had spoken offhandedly whilst my mind has begun to wander elsewhere. "I'm sorry," I add, now feeling ashamed of having not paid attention to Rei's response. "I should've been paying attention."

"It is alright," she says, inclining her head. "It only occurred to me now that you may not have sought an answer at all."

"Oh. Well, uh," I begin, feeling rather awkward. "I guess then...I might as well ask what is that you said when you answ-"

"Hey there Ikari!"

Rei and I both turn to face an approaching Yuko Miyamura.

"Oh, uh...h-hi M-Ms. Miyamura."

"Hello Ayanami," she says as she comes to a stop in front of us. Her tone sounds friendly enough...though I get the feeling that her greeting towards Rei is out of obligation only.

Her smile visibly brightens when she turns back to me. "So, what are you two up to this evening?"

"Oh, uh," I reply stupidly, glancing over at Rei who, I notice, has her eyes fixed unblinkingly on Miyamura. "Uh, well, nothing much really."

"Really?" Miyamura's grin widens a little. "Then maybe you could...help me out a little?"

"Uh..." For some reason, my heart is starting to pound faster and a hot pressure is starting to creep up my left side, starting at the elbow. "Sure?"

Looking around, I nearly jump out of my skin when I see Miyamura standing right next to me...and nearly faint when I realize that what I had felt was her arm looping around my elbow.

'What the-...WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? What am I-...What is she-?'

"Wonderful," she says cheerily, but with a mischievous-looking glint in her eye. I feel her other hand gently but firmly take hold of my captive arm, and she starts to pull. "I need a partner to help me dance the night away."

I begin to sputter incoherently, unsure of how to voice what I'm feeling...

'If I can even be sure of WHAT I'm feeling to begin with!'

Turning to look back at Rei, she calls out, "You don't mind if I borrow him for a little while right?" And without waiting for a response, she steers us around a corner, blocking Rei from sight.

Too stunned and overwhelmed to resist and not wanting to fall to the ground either, I allow myself to be dragged off to-

'D-Did she say D-DANCING?! B-B-B-But I can't...'

But sure enough...

"Here we are!"

I find myself being ushered onto the stage of an enormous dance simulating machine.

'How did I never notice that this thing was here before?' I ask myself, probably to distract myself from my growing embarrassment and self-consciousness.

"Don't look so nervous, Ikari," I hear Miyamura saying and I feel her give my captive arm a gentle squeeze. "This'll be fun. You'll see!" And with that, she releases me and strolls over to the console to select a track.

I look around at the swelling crowd, and feel my blood going ice cold...all their cheers and bawdy sounding whistles freeze me in place like an overload of paralyzing venom.

'Holy shit...this is happening right now...'

I try to turn my head to see if Miyamura has chosen a song yet, so that at least I'll know the moment when my humiliation is to begin. But the strength to so much as turn my head just isn't there...my whole world, all of my very being is blank, immobile panic.

'What do I do? I guess I could run away...it's not piloting the Eva and having to fight an Angel after all. But then everyone will still laugh at me...and Miyamura will hate me. No matter what I do, I-'

"Ikari?" My surprise at hearing Miyamura's voice so close by shocks me back into mobility. I look to my left, and see her gazing at me with a concerned expression.

"Are you okay?" She asks, and she sounds quite serious...more so than she ever has when speaking to me.

I nod shakily, trying to smile reassuringly.

She smiles back rather knowingly. "Look, it's...it's okay Ikari. I'm not gonna make you do this if you really don't want to. I did kind of drag you into it out of nowhere."

I blink my widened eyes in shock at what I'm hearing. 'So...she wouldn't hold it against me then...if I refused?'

"It's j-just that," I begin in a nervous whisper, "I'm r-really n-not used to this sort of thing and..." I bow my head. "I'll probably just mess everything up and-"

I pause when I feel a soft hand on my shoulder, and look at Miyamura in surprise.

"I think you'll do fine," she says with a smile. "But even if you don't, I won't laugh at you. I'm not really all that good at this myself."

I blink at her in amazement. "Then...why..."

"Because I don't really care what people think of me," she interjects with a shrug. Then in a softer tone, "And you shouldn't either." She gestures towards the crowd, who I just now notice have become much more subdued. "Don't let them intimidate you."

I look out at the faceless mass of people for a moment, then back at Miyamura, then down at my feet.

'She said you don't have to do this...why are you even still here?'

 _I don't know...but maybe..._

Staring down at my feet, I see Miyamura take a small step closer. "If it helps, just try to tune them out...pretend they aren't there. Focus on me instead."

At those words, I lift my head to look directly at her. Still smiling, she directs her eyes downward. Following her gaze, I see nothing noteworthy except...

'Wow...she really is beautiful and-'

Suddenly my face feels a little warm, and I see Miyamura's smile widen a little. "And if that isn't enough, and the audience is still making you nervous, just imagine them all being in their underwear."

'Am I insane...or is her advice actually making me feel more comfortable with giving this a try?'

 _Maybe...or maybe it's just time to try something bolder than usual. You stood up to Asuka after all...this is nothing compared to that._

"W-Well, uh," I stammer, still feeling nervous in spite of my decision, "I-I guess I-I'll try."

"Are you sure," Miyamura asks, sounding mildly uncertain for the first time this evening. "Like I said, I won't hold it against you if you-"

"No," I say a little more firmly, though still feeling a little queasy. "No, I..I'll be okay," I add with a smile.

"Well, alright then," Miyamura responds brightly, though looking slightly relieved as well. "Just one more thing though."

"Hmm?"

Miyamura smirks and leans to whisper into my left ear. "Just in case either or both of my little suggestions fail...you could always try mixing a little of Plan A with a little of Plan B."

I tilt my head curiously, but she ignores the silent question and strides over to the console, pausing only to make a selection before waking back to her side of the stage, all the while smirking to herself.

'Huh? Mix Plan A with Plan B? But wasn't Plan A to focus on her? And wasn't Plan B to...EEEHHHHHH?'

The warmth in my face goes from tingling to burning, and my brain seems to fry itself in the inferno. I glance over at Miyamura, who raises her eyebrows innocently, before turning to face the screen.

And then the music begins...

Two dances and a politely declined encore later, followed by a few rounds of skee ball and table hockey, Miyamura and I now sit in the small cafe area enjoying post-gaming beverages.

"Well then," says Miyamura looking up from the receipt she's been idly doodling on, "Looks like I was right about you having fun, huh?"

Having sat in silence for the last several minutes, the question catches me somewhat off guard. "Oh, u-uh, y-yeah, it was," I stammer, offering an apologetic smile for sounding so uncertain.

Miyamura, resting her chin atop the back of one hand gives me a knowing smirk. "Do I make you nervous, Ikari?"

I open my mouth, but find myself unable to reply with anything more than indecisive 'I's and 'uh's, all the while feeling myself turn redder than an apple.

She laughs softly. "Don't need to answer that." Then, when I look away in embarrassment, she adds, "It's okay, I'm not offended."

"Oh. Okay."

"Those were some impressive moves you had out there," she adds, neatly changing the subject.

"U-Uh...Oh...I-I," I reply stupidly, cursing my inability to play it cool and NOT answer without being a stuttering mess. "Th-thanks. Um, your moves were, uh, really good too Ms. Miyamura."

To my complete shock, it's Miyamura's turn to blush. However, the faint reddening of her cheeks barely seems to faze her, and her roguish grin widens. "Oh, so you DID notice, then?"

Yes...I HAD noticed. I tried...REALLY tried NOT to notice. But it was impossible not to keep shooting glances to my right just to catch a glimpse of-

'Ugh, you really are a stupid pervert sometimes!'

"Uh, um, well, I, um-"

"Yes?" Miyamura asks politely, leaning very slightly over the table. "Something on your mind, Ikari?"

"Well, um, I-I think your moves..."

"Yeah?" It's odd, but her voice sounds slightly breathless.

'And is it just me...or do her cheeks look a little redder now?'

"Y-Your moves were um...a l-lot better than mine," I finish rather awkwardly.

'Good save', I tell myself approvingly. 'One wrong word and you'd have probably been dead where you sit.'

"Oh," she replies, her smile faltering just a little, "Well, uh, thanks..."

'Wait...why does she look like she's disappointed?'

"...but you're really too modest, Ikari," she continues. "After all, you trampled my scores into the dust, you know?"

Dread washes over me in a cold wave. 'Oh no. Here it comes...'

"U-Uh, I-I'm s-sorry," I choke out nervously, "I d-didn't mean to-"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down Ikari." Miyamura's smile is replaced by an expression that looks concerned...and perhaps even unnerved. "There's nothing you need to apologize to me for."

"Oh." I shrink a little in my seat, my voice getting smaller along with me. "I-I'm sorry..." Then realizing my mistake, "Uh, I-I mean-"

"Ikari," she cuts me off gently, "Relax. It's okay. I meant what I said as a compliment."

Not trusting myself with words right now, lest I start apologizing again, I simply offer a shaky nod.

Apparently having decided that I won't descend into a babbling mess again, Miyamura goes on, "Actually, I kind of knew you'd be good at the dance sim."

That genuinely takes me by surprise. "How did you know that?"

"Oh, I overheard Sohryu..." her exprsssion darkens for a moment when she mentions Asuka, "...talking about the training you both underwent to fight that one Angel...Irafel...or whatever its name was."

"Oh, y-you mean Israfel."

"That's right," she nods. "Say, why do the Angels have such weird names anyway? Are those really their actual names?"

"Well, I don't really know actually," I reply truthfully. "The Angels don't really tell us their names, or really even...talk at all...as far as I know anyway. Misato usually just tells us what the Angel's names are after the battles are over."

"Ah, I see." Her eyes display a bright interest as she continues, "I've seen the footage of the fight against Israfel. You were really amazing during that battle!"

I stare at her in surprise. "You mean to say that NERV allowed that footage to go public?!"

"Oh yeah," Miyamura answers, seemingly surprised by my shock. "They made a pretty big deal out of it actually. I'm guessing it was probably a PR stunt to bolster the world's faith in NERV."

"I'm surprised Kensuke didn't tell me," I say more to myself.

'And that he and Toji didn't mercilessly tease me about that little...fumble...at the end...'

I feel my face blanche a little at that memory. 'Speaking of which...'

"Um, by the way..." I begin tentatively.

"Hmm?"

"Where did the video clip end exactly?" I ask, bracing myself for the worst.

"Well...it ended with the Angel exploding. Then it cuts to Units 01 and 02 standing over the blast crater." Miyamura tilts her head pensively. "Why do you ask?"

In the midst of my relief that NERV had taken the time to edit the footage in such a way that the battle looked flawless from start to finish, I find myself recalling the humiliation of my Eva face planting in the blast crater with Unit 02 draped over its back.

That had been followed by a lot of screaming from a certain furious redhead, a very embarrassing reveal of one of my not-so-proudest moments...and the revelation that NERV, always so seemingly strapped for cash, had still somehow dug up the funds for completely superfluous hologram projectors whose images could actually fucking hit you over the head!

Back in the present, I ponder over an easy answer to Miyamura's question...and promptly think of one.

"Uh...n-no reason," hoping my inability to look her in the eye doesn't give me away.

'Some things are MUCH better left unsaid. Certainly, if I learned ANYTHING that day, it was that.'

"Uh huh," she replies, raising a clearly skeptical eyebrow. Mercifully however, she drops the subject. "So you probably get this question a lot, but, well...how many Angels are still out there?"

I shake my head, hoping as I do so that nothing I'm saying is classified...though I don't think it is. While I don't think there's any publicly available footage of the battles, other than that of the battle with Israfel (at least of the more successful second round anyway), word of the how the fights went down, and general descriptions on the Angel's appearances and offensive capabilities tend to trickle out into the general population. "I don't know. I don't think anyone does. All I know is that there have been eight of them so far..."

It's only now that I tell a flat out lie. While most of the Angel battles are, at best, an open secret...information concerning the first two Angels is treated with far more seriousness.

The First Angel, code named Adam, was the one the caused the Second Impact.

As for the Second Angel...

Apparently, it's known to be out there somewhere...but nothing, and I mean NOTHING else is known about it.

The really ominous thing, however, is that it is just as heavily classified as Adam. We are absolutely forbidden to speak of it or acknowledge its existence outside of NERV and have even been discouraged against discussing it amongst ourselves.

Some of the staff, including Asuka, think that the reason it's been so heavily classified is because it is especially powerful...or unspeakably horrifying...and thus any potential information leak could lead to a massive panic.

This has lead to some...very disquieting speculations.

After the most recent Angel, Yreul (another one we are forbidden to acknowledge outside of NERV), turned out be some kind of...organic computer virus, one technician apparently got creative with his theory about the Second Angel, and went as far as to suggest that the Angel could be some kind of 'memetic virus'. Something like...anyone who knows of its true nature could forced to become an 'instance' of it or at least a 'servitor' of it's will.

'The thought that an Angel could possess someone just because they know what it is...' I shudder involuntarily. 'If that really is what the Second Angel is like...who's to say that those who control NERV, who probably DO know what the Second Angel is AND what it can do, aren't being controlled by the damn thing as we speak! What if Father himself is under its control? What if that technician was under its control?! What if just by hearing the truth about it, ALL of NERV, including ME, has now completely fallen under the Second Angel's control?! If the Angel really could do something like that, would it mean that we're secretly doing it's bidding by killing all of the others? What if...all of us collectively ARE the Second Angel?! Would we know...or could its control be so perfect that we still have the illusion of free will?'

"Ikari, are you okay?" Miyamura asks, sounding concerned again. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"Uh, o-oh...no I'm...okay," I lie, hoping that she knows better than to question me too much further. "It's just...remembering some the battles..."

"Oh..." Miyamura suddenly looks uncomfortable. "Right. Sorry, I...didn't mean to bring up anything painful for you to talk about."

"I-It's okay," I tell her, feeling guilty for having made her think it was her fault that I looked so scared. "R-Really, it is. I-It's n-normal to be curious after all."

Miyamura smiles, though I something tells me that she's not really convinced. "It's sweet of you to say that, but really...I understand. I have an uncle who fought in the Impact Wars and...well...it's very hard for him to talk about his experiences too."

I simply nod, unsure of what else to say. But what I feel...

'Most of my other classmates try to bombard me for details about the battles and the Angels themselves.'

I don't usually mind that much, to be honest; I guess I like the praise...or maybe having to disappoint them just feels worse than having to relive the battles; sometimes it's hard to tell.

'But no one's ever taken the time to consider that I'm, well...a soldier, basically.'

Sometimes, I don't even think of myself as a soldier fighting a war. But I guess that is pretty much what I am.

"Well, um," I begin to say, "I r-really don't mind if you ask me about it. Sometimes it's hard to think about, but...usually I don't mind talking about it. After all, refusing to talk about my experiences doesn't make the memories go away."

Realizing how grim my words must sound, I attempt a smile. "It's n-nice of you to think about my feelings on the matter though. Thank you."

Not long after that, I take a look at the time, and decide that I should probably go look for the others.

Miyamura nods and rises to her feet. "Yeah, I should probably get back to my friends too."

However, neither of us make a move to walk away and bid the other farewell, and an awkward silence falls. Miyamura, for once, seems rather unsure of herself, and avoids looking me in the eye. Although, to be fair, I myself am doing all I can to avoid looking directly at her too...

'I just feel so...uncertain of what to feel or even think right now.'

But...there is at least one thing I do want to say before we part ways.

Having at last mustered the courage to speak, I turn to address her. "Ms. Miyamura?"

"Uh?" The quickness with which she turns to face me catches me very much off guard.

'Was she waiting for me to speak first?'

"Yes Ikari?" For the first time tonight, or in the time that I've known her, she seems...nervous?

'But...why? Maybe she...no. Dammit, now isn't the time for this! I need to say what I was about to say...if I start thinking too much about this, I'll just end up making an even bigger idiot out of myself than I probably have already.'

"I just wanted to say...thank you." In response to her quizzical expression, I continue, "I...honestly didn't expect to have much fun at first when you...when you..." I struggle to find a way to word my thoughts politely.

"When I dragged you off and basically pressured you into playing the dance simulator?" Miyamura finishes for me, wearing a smile that suddenly looks rather forced.

Despite it being completely true, I can't help but feel ashamed for agreeing with what she said. "I-I wouldn't have worded it like that," I say placatingly.

"Yeah, I know you wouldn't have," she replies, her wry smile still firmly in place. "So I saved you the trouble."

"Well, uh, still, I," I stammer, feeling a little disheartened now, but determined not to exit on such a sour note, "What I meant to say is that I..."

It takes a moment, but at last...I manage to fully untie my tongue. "I actually ended up having a lot more fun than I thought I would; and I really mean that. To be honest, I'm not sure that dancing is really my thing, but...it was...fun...to just let go for a minute and stop caring about what everyone else was thinking of me for once."

Surprised at my own forthrightness, I avert my gaze, instinctively fearing her reaction...but I continue nonetheless. "And...it was nice to just...talk for awhile too. Especially to someone I never really expected to have anything to talk about with. I guess...life can funny that way sometimes."

"Oh and, uh, that was the most intense game of table hockey I've ever played in my life. Heh, even though you beat me five rounds in a row, I don't think I ever had more fun with it. So, yeah..." I finish, trailing off rather awkwardly.

I chance a look at Miyamura, and see that her smile no longer seems forced.

"And thank you Ikari," she replies softly, "Both for humoring me, and for what you said just now. And," she adds, her smirk from before reappearing for a moment, "I agree that that was a damn good round of table hockey."

She holds out her hand. "Feel free to challenge me again...if you dare."

Despite finding the Western gesture a little odd, I accept the proffered hand and shake it. "Sure thing."

After a moment, she releases her grip, her smile widening a little. "Well then, until next time Ikari." And with that, she walks away.

It's only now that she's left that I realize just how...

'I still don't know exactly what it is I feel right now. It's not bad though...so I guess that's a good start.

I look down at the hand I shook Miyamura's with, as if hoping it might give me some answers...and notice a small scrap of paper sitting flat against my palm. It seems to have been torn from a receipt.

I turn it over, and nearly fall down in surprise when I realize what's written on the other side.

'She slipped me her phone number?!'

Hearing the others calling out to me, I quickly stuff the scrap of paper into my pocket, really not wanting Toji or Kensuke to make a scene over it.

Though...judging by Kensuke's rather smug looking grin and both of their pointedly 'vague' comments about 'how long I was gone' make my heart sink well past the soles of my shoes.

'Well...this is gonna suck.'


	58. The Greener Grass (pt20)

AN: Only ONE more segment of Chapter 7 left after this one.

Step on up, Rei :)

•12:29 PM, Sunday October 18, 2015

"So...what do you think?"

I frown at the brightly colorful setting on the television screen, thinking of how to word my response to Aida's question. "It is perhaps the most...immersive activity I have ever engaged in outside of piloting Unit 00 and the associated sessions in the virtual reality combat simulator. Though...this is immersive in a rather different way."

"How so?" asks Aida, tilting his head curiously. "Different in a good way, or a bad way?"

Once more, I pause to consider my words.

"Playing this game fills me with a sense of accomplishment and triumph similar to that which I feel when piloting. It is...strange..."

"Strange?"

"I have never truly experienced a sense of triumph while engaging in activity that did not serve some sort of larger purpose that was greater than myself. Even my enjoyment of swimming is tied to the goal of keeping myself in prime physical condition to better serve as a pilot. This activity is unaffiliated with any larger purpose that I can think of. It is...more as if I am experiencing vicariously the emotions, thoughts, and actions of the characters within the story of this program, particularly his," I say, pointing to the blonde young man that seems to be this story's central figure...something that the character himself was quick to point out in a voiceover monologue during the story's introduction.

"Yeah, Tidus is basically the game's audience surrogate," Aida explains with a nod. "He knows about as much as you, the player, knows about the strange world into which he's been hurled...which is to say, virtually nothing. Granted, he still has his own distinct personality...but you kind of bond with the world of Spira through his eyes and his experiences."

"He reminds me of...Ikari," I say quietly...more to myself than Aida.

The bespectacled boy blinks and fixes me with an expression of incredulity. "Reminds you of-? TIDUS reminds you of SHINJI?! They're like polar opposites of one another!"

"I am not so sure," I reply, shaking my head. "Ikari too has been thrust reluctantly into a task that concerns the world's continued survival. Despite his reluctance, he seems determined to see things through. And then...there is the way Ikari feels about his father..."

Judging by the manifestations of the man that appear within Tidus's nightmares and memories, Jecht seems to be a cruel man; supremely arrogant as well as mocking towards his son's perceived weakness.

'Commander Ikari is not so crass and belligerent towards his son as this man Jecht is towards his...and yet...'

 _"Aren't you Commander Ikari's son? Don't you have faith in your own father's work?"_

That was the question I had asked of the younger Ikari just over three months ago.

 _"No, of course not! How could I ever trust him again?!"_

His answer had...angered me. Could he not see that his father's every living moment was dedicated to the benefit of all humanity; to the necessary next stage of humanity's evolution? Surely the Commander would have informed him of all of that was at stake...of the role that his mother, Dr. Yui Ikari, was to play in this grand scenario!

In my wrath, I had struck the boy across the face to shake him free of this childish obstinacy he seemed content to wallow in.

But it was only after the blow connected, that I saw that the eyes that stared back at me were not those of one who knew better but chose to run amok. They were eyes of confusion...and of hurt.

It was only later that Commander Ikari informed me that his son knew absolutely nothing of his true purpose. This made me feel...troubled...especially when the younger Ikari came very close to losing his life against the Fifth Angel.

I continue to frown at the screen, which currently depicts a flashback of the man Jecht demonstrating an extremely elaborate blitzball technique to his son...all the while taunting the young Tidus.

My eyes narrow. 'It has not escaped my notice that the Commander does not treat his own son with the same warmth with which he has treated me.'

I've never understood why...but I've simply accepted it as one of the things that Commander Ikari feels he must do in order to achieve his scenario. But now...

'Jecht is vastly different in personality from Commander Ikari, yes...but...'

Through the eyes of Tidus...I have begun to understand the painful isolation, the terrible sense of worthlessness and inferiority that one must feel when their own father shows them nothing but contempt...or neglect.

I have never known this awful feeling personally...Commander Ikari is, for all intents and purposes, my father, and he has always treated me well.

'Though, he allowed me to live in conditions that were far less agreeable than my current accommodations,' I think to myself. 'Why? I'm sure that I will not prove to be any less useful while living here.'

I suppose he must've had his reasons...I suppose he must have his reasons for all of his actions, no matter how increasingly questionable I may be starting to find them.

But still...I feel that I may finally understand what Ikari...what Shinji...meant that day back in July.

'My loyalty to the Commander remains steadfast...'

My third attempt to master the 'Jecht Shot' in the game finally succeeds.

Even as I offer Aida a faint smile for his sincere praise at having mastered the difficult technique in far fewer tries than he himself, my thoughts turn towards a grim possibility.

'...but is it possible that the Commander could be...wrong about-'

The trilling sound of my cellphone ringing cuts across my musings.

"Ayanami!" Aida calls out, "I think your cellphone is going off!"

Not pausing to reply, I rush over to where it is plugged in.

'There is only one reason and one reason only that this cellphone ever rings.'

Placing the receiver against my ear, I hear the very words I expected to hear the moment it began to ring. Except for the last part...that part IS a surprise...a horrifying one.

Running towards and out of my apartment door, I stop dead at the walkway railing, gazing with a deepening dread at the unnatural blot staining the skyline to the southeast.

"Ayanami!" Aida's rapidly approaching voice calls out, "What's happ-...oh my...A-Ayanami? I-Is that-?"

"Aida!" I cut him off sharply, "Go immediately to the nearest shelter! Do NOT stop or delay for ANY reason! Go now!"

"R-Right! I will! G-Good luck Rei!"

And to my immense relief, he immediately complies, taking off even as I hear Ikari and Major Katsuragi bursting out of their own apartment behind me.

Despite my own insistence that Aida not waste any time...it is I who finds my eyes glued to his retreating form, even as I rush to keep up with Ikari and the Major, until he has disappeared from sight.

I then turn my eyes back to city skyline, eyes narrowing in a glare as I fix 'it' within my sights.

'The Twelfth Angel has arrived.'


	59. The Greener Grass (pt21)

AN: Here it is...

The last segment of Chapter 7...

The POV is a nameless civilian, going about their daily business...

When...

•12:42 PM

The midday sun filters through my closed eyelids as I recline languidly in the driver's seat, losing myself in the music filling the air conditioned interior of my car.

I try to envision how this song will sound live when, in four days time, I'll be seeing the group live when they visit Tokyo 2.

'And not alone either,' I think to myself with a lazy grin, thinking of the girl I met three weeks ago.

It was she, after all, that put me onto this group. 'Good thing too. I had no idea what I was missing. Ah music...always a wonderful icebreaker.'

Outside my vehicle, the bright sunlight is suddenly blotted out.

I don't immediately open my eyes...but I frown pensively. It's weird...but I feel, on an oddly instinctual level, that there's something...unusual about the shadow overhead.

'Eh, probably just a large cloud or something.'

 _No...something is off here. The light was blotted out unnaturally fast. There's virtually no wind out there. That was no cloud..._

I open my eyes, and notice two things that immediately strike me as unsetttling. Firstly, from what I can see of the shadow's boundaries, it appears to be strangely circular. Secondly...it's moving.

Goosebumps begin to erupt up my arms and the back of my neck.

"Surely it couldn't be..." I whisper, "They'd have evacuated us ages ago if it-"

Outside my car, someone screams...and within seconds, they are joined by a cacophony of other voices.

'I need to get out of here! Whatever this damn thing is, it's probably right on fucking top of me!'

But then, a few yards ahead of me at the intersection, a car grinds to a halt, the tires screaming in unison with the chorus onlookers, and is promptly smashed by the vehicle behind it.

Shaken out of my paralysis by the realization that my only path out of this one way street is blocked, I step out of the car.

Around me, the once quiet street is now teeming with a mass of humanity, most of them screaming, pushing, and running at full pelt. But some simply stand where they are, staring at the sky with ashen faces...seemingly too enthralled and paralyzed with fear to even scream.

Morbid curiosity wins over my instinct to flee, and I too turn my eyes to the sky above.

In tandem with the expected ice cold wave of instinctive panic rises a curious sense of befuddlement.

'Just what the hell am I looking at?!'

My eyes are telling me that what they see is an enormous, floating black and white sphere. Asymmetrically striped on top, and nearly solid black on the bottom except for a long, thin, elliptical patch of white, the sphere is certainly odd looking and very clearly unnatural...but on the surface appears to be more weird than dangerous. Hell it doesnt even really look alive!

Except that the longer I look...the more I can tell that it IS alive. It moves very slowly...but that movement is entirely independent of any assistance from the nearly nonexistent wind.

I begin to shudder as my eyes focus on the white patch on its underside. Knowing that this creature is indeed alive and capable of independent movement makes that white patch seem less like a simple color irregularity and more like some sort of...rudimentary mouth.

Suddenly, I don't feel like looking anymore. I don't want to see what that mouth looks like when it opens!

'I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!'

And the reaction is instantaneous.

My feet are carrying me away, hurtling me into the surrounding mayhem.

The air itself is alive with the voices of men, women, and children alike; shrieking, crying, weeping frantically and calling out for family and friends. This chaos...an entity that churns with the shoving of a thousand uncaring and faceless hands.

Around me, some remain calm and orderly as they make their way towards the shelters...but others, like me, dart around or push through anything in their way.

'I don't care! I want to live! Please, let me live! Let me li-'

A lone cry of pain cuts through the din of screams and wails of fear.

To my right, a throng of people part themselves around an obstruction too low to the ground to be visible until I approach close enough to see a young woman about my age kneeling beside a prone figure.

"Daisuke! Daisuke, are you alright?!"

The primal instinct to survive is dampened for a moment as I watch the girl frantically shake the limp, unresponsive form of the young man she referred to as 'Daisuke'.

"Help us! Please somebody help us!" she cries out to the mass of unmoved and uncaring legs and feet that stampede past, and in one or two cases, onto Daisuke's unresisting body.

If I needed any further proof to suggest that helping the poor fellow would be both suicidal and futile, I receive it as I too run past them. Chancing a sideways glance at the fallen figure, I notice a large and ugly red stain on the edge of the curb, and the copious amount of blood pooling in the asphalt and caking the screaming woman's hands.

The boy's head lolls over to stare sightlessly at me with half open eyes...the forehead just above the eyebrows marked by a deep laceration, still oozing blood even as the girl shakily cradles Daisuke ruined head in her arms over her lap, sobbing his name over and over into his blood soaked hair.

Fighting the pounding rush of my adrenaline, I manage to stop, despite every instinct telling me to run.

But even as I try to take a step towards them, my resolve begins to fail.

'What do I say? What do I do? I don't want to leave her to die...but how do I tell her-'

Thankfully, a police officer fights his way towards them, and kneels beside her, removing the need for me to intervene.

And as I hear her screaming, crying, and cursing in protest I feel an immense relief that I didn't get involved...even as I damn myself for being a such a selfish coward.

Though it is perhaps only fifteen minutes later, it seems like a liftetime has passed me by as I find a place on the open concrete floor of the shelter to sit and wait for the Evangelions of NERV to save us once again, trying not to think of what might happen if this is the one time they fail.

Images rush through my brain...images of sound and fury.

A dull ache squeezes at my insiders at the thought of my family.

'I have no way to reach them from here,' I think despondently, 'I won't know they're safe until this is all over.'

I curl up against the wall. 'I hate this. I hate THEM!'

I think of the Angel, how it just...came...and brought all this madness, all the while just...drifting above us in that disgustingly sedate manner, uncaring of all the terror and insanity it brought in its wake.

'Maybe it was hoping we'd all just start killing each other to get away from it before it really starts to let loose.'

It is of that poor boy, Daisuke, and his lifeless eyes and bleeding head that I think.

'How many more died today?' I bury my face into my hands. 'How many more will die?'

Sometimes, the universe has a cruel habit of answering such questions immediately after a foolish mortal like me dares to ask.

In this case...we were given a 'head start' of perhaps twenty minutes or more.

It went like this...

Without warning...without even the pre-extinguishment flickering that one would expect...every single light in the shelter went dead.

First came the screams...my voice was but one to join the hellish chorus of terrified anguish in such a way that I could no longer determine which voice belonged to me.

Then, after what seemed like hours...

"Mama...why is it so hard to breathe?"

Even if it was quick...it began gradually enough. We all had enough time to realize what was happening before the blind terror set in.

"I...I...can't breathe!"

Then came the fog, filling every crevice of my thoughts with its violent nothingness...PANIC! Everything seems I am...everything that I had ever been or aspired to be, it all just...vanished into nothing.

"Oh gods, the air! There's no air!"

And I became fear...nothing but a screaming mouth, flailing limbs entangling with a multitude of others...and a slowly but steadily struggling pair of lungs, trying to inhale life from the increasingly solid darkness.

The chaos between these walls is a writhing mass of bodies pushing and crushing...and a cacophony of voices crying and praying for release and rescue that will never come.

"The door! We have to get out!" It could have been my voice...I don't know.

For a brief time, there was mad rush towards the door...but then...

"What's happening up there?!"

"WE CAN'T GET OUT! TH-THERE'S S-SOMETHING BLOCKING THE EXIT!"

I feel myself slammed against the wall as the mass of humanity inexplicably presses itself further inside the concrete tomb...

'Help us...'

But it clear by the cries and wails beginning to fill the entire room that no rescue was coming; that none COULD come!

'HELP ME!'

From what words I could discern through the haze filling my mind, it seemed that through the exit...something worse awaited.

"Oh gods," someone wept, gasping for air through a voice clogged with tears...again it could have been my own voice... "We're all going to die in here! Help us! Someone...I don't want to...not like this!"

 _Am I even still alive? And if I am, do I still have my own voice, my own body even? I'm not so sure..._

We are a collective here...an amalgamation of the confusion and horror of every soul that has been condemned alongside me for the crime of wanting to live.

'I'm in hell! Oh gods, I'm in hell...and this will never end!'

But though it seems like an eternity, there is an ending...an ending that comes long after the darkness first began to thicken into something unbreathable...long after the screams first began to devolve into a choir of death rattles that will inevitably fade into silence.

Around the room, bodies litter the floor. Dozens? Hundreds? Too many to count.

The ghastly stench of sweat and excrement now serves to aid the carbon dioxide in extinguishing whatever breathable oxygen is left.

I fall to the ground, my whole body aching from my blind, fruitless struggles.

'It hurts...it hurts so much...just to breathe. Just to...go on living...'

 _Just let it end..._

And yet I go on breathing the foul, deadly darkness in rapid, desperate gasps...along with unseen others.

 _What if they...what if...I...am already dead? What if...this...is death? To live this horrid un-life...as a tortured wisp of my living self, doomed to my 'dying throes' for eternity? Just let it end..._

And eventually...it does...

I was not the first...nor am I the last...

Afterword: What happened at the end will be explained a little more clearly in the following Chapter.


	60. Unclenching The Jaws Of God

AN: Well folks, Chapter 8 isn't finished yet (possibly not even HALF finished), but I'm gonna start posting it anyway :)

Eight segments are fully completed thus far. I hope you all enjoy them.

So let us begin...

 _"Don't fall asleep to the weeping of the birds_

 _Don't fall asleep in this room of the fallen_

 _Don't fall asleep to the breathing of the walls_

 _Don't fall asleep in this room of loss_

 _Don't fall asleep in the arms of dead air_

 _Don't fall asleep in this symphony of the damned_

 _Time stands still in this chamber of pain_

 _The clock stops, and the horror comes_

 _The children cry and weep in this room of the unforgiven_

 _LIE DOWN, BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE_

 _LIE DOWN, BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE_

 _LIE DOWN, BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE_

 _LIE DOWN, BUT DONT FALL ASLEEP_

 _LIE DOWN, BUT DONT FALL asleep"_

/55p4wfG2Zx4

- **"Don't Fall Asleep (Horror pt.2)"** by Swallow The Sun

Chapter 8-Unclenching The Jaws Of God

•1:08 PM, Sunday October 18, 2015

'Goddamnit! How the fuck is this even happening right now?! How the hell did an Angel just sneak its way in here without even being detected?!'

I run my way through the corridors of NERV, the loud, steady, buzzing rasp of the emergency alarm resounding through the hallways and against my eardrums.

'And that thing's been going off for at least twenty-five minutes now? If this wasn't such a bad situation, I'd be grateful I wasn't here having to hear it the whole time.'

I turn the last corner, and at last the door to Central Dogma comes into view.

'Now then...'

The familiar mixture of fear, excitement, and grim vindication begin to fill my soul.

'Once I enter that door...it begins; the next battle to save humanity.'

 _The next phase of your revenge...yet another stage is being set for your grand vendetta. How many more of them will it take to satisfy that emptiness within your soul? And what will be the final cost?_

I grimace to myself as I open the door.

'Even if I didn't hate the Angels...they still have to be destroyed! It's us or them!'

 _And as always, you use an excuse to run from the real question._

"You're late, Major," barks Ritsuko in a stern voice as I walk into the cavernous room.

"Sorry!" I answer back, acknowledging the futility of explaining just how hellish the trip here had been. "What's going on? The Fuji observation center-"

"-never detected it!" interrupts First Lieutenant Shigeru Aoba, "It just suddenly appeared right above us!"

'My god...so it really did just come out of nowhere?!'

The horrifying possibility that the Angels after this one could appear in a similar manner is beyond disturbing...and I highly doubt that the ones after this will be content to just float placidly around the city skyline the way this one has been.

And what's more...the alert didn't go off automatically the way it should have. Even if it did just appear randomly...the Angel alert system should have detected it immediately and set off the alarms right away. Then maybe, at least, the city wouldn't have sunken into such desperate chaos.

"What is that thing?" I ask, mostly to myself.

'Could it possibly be something distinctly different from an Angel? It seems unlikely, but this thing is just...bizarre...to say the least.'

"A new kind of Angel?" inquires Ritsuko, seemingly thinking along the same lines as me.

"Unknown," responds First Lieutenant Maya Ibuki, "The Magi are withholding their judgment on that."

'So not even the Magi know what to make of this...'

"Damn!" I fume, now knowing that the FULL weight of decision making now falls on my shoulders. "Another situation like this and Commander Ikari is not here again."

I glare at the gigantic holographic map, staring at the image of the black and white sphere as it continues to drift slowly through the city at an altitude low enough to smash itself into the skyscrapers if it desired to do so...though it seems to have no such inclination. It even slightly, though noticeably, changes course to avoid a collision as it approaches the first of the glass and concrete towers.

Despite being relieved that the Twelfth Angel is readily passing up the golden opportunity to wreak as much havoc as possible by leveling the city at its leisure...given that we can't lower the city into fortress formation, as doing so would expose the Geofront and endanger the people holed up in the shelters...amongst other risks...I still can't help but feel my contemptuous fury towards the unnatural thing deepen...especially now that I know its true purpose.

'If you think pretending to play nice is gonna save you, then you're dead wrong! We'll dispose of you just like the rest of them, you bastard!'

And, desiring to get around to doing that very task as soon as possible, I turn back to the technicians. "What's the current status of the Pilots and the Evas?"

"The Second Child is inside Unit 02 and standing by," replies Aoba. "The First and Third Children are suited up and enroute to their Entry Plugs."

Having acknowledged the update, I turn back to look at the screen. The Angel is currently still drifting through the heart of the city, languidly dodging skyscrapers.

'Is it my imagination?' I ask myself, feeling my hackles raising, 'Or did the Angel just pass through a space between two buildings that should have knocked both structures aside?'

The seeming impossibility of what I've just witnessed both makes my brain ache and sends a chill through my blood.

'Just what the hell are we in for here?'

Pushing these distracting thoughts aside, I carefully observe the Angel's trajectory.

'What's it looking for? It seems almost like it's looking for something, even if it's not in a hurry.'

I've also noticed that despite its initial slow zigzagging over the city, once it reached the northeastern edge of the city, where the skyscrapers form a roughly diagonal procession towards the southwest and Lake Ashi...it abruptly cut a hard left, and began to float more decisively to the southwest.

"The First and Third Children are inside the plugs and are standing by," calls out Maya Ibuki. "Your orders, Major?"

'So...this is it then...'

We should probably deploy right in the center of the city and strike it head on. Aside from the fact that it's probably not going to remain as passive as it's being now, there's also the possibility that it will continue to drift southwest until it's floating over Lake Ashi...and once it's there, it'll be all but inaccessible for the Evas.

I remember back to the Fifth Angel, and how it had floated towards the city from the opposite direction, drifting over Lake Ashi before stopping overtop of the Geofront.

'I wouldn't be surprised if this Angel stops once it reaches the lake. If it doesn't have an AT Field, then it's no wonder that it would want to park itself out of range of melee attacks. It appeared out of thin air though, so perhaps it can teleport? Although...that wouldn't explain its current behavior. Still, if it stops over the water...and then proves able to rapidly teleport itself...that could make it nearly impossible to hit with gunfire from a distance. Even if it's lack of an AT Field makes it far weaker and easier to kill, we can't kill what we can't hit.'

So it might be best to hit it now...surround it in the city center, and go all in all at once...maybe enough to confuse it and kill it before it can retreat and reposition...or worse, figure out that it might just be able to teleport itself right into the base WITHOUT having to assail the Geofront armor layers!

And for that assault, Asuka should take point. She won't second guess my orders or hesitate in the slightest...and after that synch test yesterday, she's probably chomping at the bit to redeem herself.

'We need to destroy the Angel before it reaches Lake Ashi, or we might not be able to hit it at all.'

My guess is...this Angel possesses a particle weapon just like Ramiel's...except that this Angel might actually be smart enough to use the beam to blast right through the Geofront, instead of some idiotic drill apparatus that was so mercifully slow that it actually gave us plenty of time to marshal a counterattack.

But if this one can dodge gunfire, and it manages to position itself somewhere that we can't melee attack it...we might not be able to stop it at all.

'And what's more...I'll bet it's little expedition is way more than just sightseeing. During its 'casual flyover' of the city, it's most likely been scanning the ground beneath it. It's probably been trying to find a weak spot in the Geofront's armor layers to exploit.'

And once it's found one...if it hasn't already...it'll probably drift out to the middle of the lake, ascend to the appropriate height for a better trajectory, then let loose with a particle beam. And then, all we can do is take shots at it and keep it from continuously focusing its attack on blasting the hole through the armor...and pray that a few of our bullets can maybe hit it.

I narrow my eyes. 'I don't like those odds.'

"Major?" asks Maya, a little tensely this time. "Your orders?"

"Right," I respond, snapping out of my fugue. "Alright, you three," I reply, addressing the pilots, "I'm sending you up to-"

But I pause mid-sentence.

'If I delay much longer, there could be a serious risk, but...I have NO idea what this damn beast is capable of. The last time I sent Shinji up against an Angel that had a particle beam weapon, it damn near killed him in only a few seconds. And Asuka...she's ready to take the risk...but...'

 _How can you, in good conscience, exploit her need to validate herself?_

She wouldn't argue...she'd even welcome it...just like she did when I damn near sacrificed her just to capture Sandalphon. Even Makoto didn't hesitate to call me out on that...and Shinji...

'I'd never have thought that being told off by a stick-thin fourteen year old boy could actually make me feel ashamed of myself...much less actually intimidate me as much as he did.'

Of course...things are different between him and Asuka now. But I'll bet anything that if I order Asuka to recklessly attack that thing...and she gets hurt or dies...he might not ever forgive me.

'That may be a risk I have to take...'

 _But you don't want to._

'This is a war! Risk is part and parcel with this business...even if she is just a child.'

And...there's something else to consider as well.

'She won't thank me if I keep her out of the thick of the fighting. Especially after that synch test...the last thing she'd want is to be coddled or held back from the fray.'

 _Then...maybe there's a way you can still put her into direct combat, and show that you still have confidence in her...while still finding a way to mitigate the risk and-_

I damn near snap my fingers dramatically with my sudden epiphany, but manage to remain professional and composed as I determine my strategy.

'I know what to do now!'

There's a risk of course, but...I'm thinking that if the Angel isn't just teleporting itself down here already, that is...if it needs to create a pathway at all...then it doesn't exactly 'teleport' as much as transfer its mass from place to place. The problem is...it can probably do so at speeds too fast for our eyes to detect, hence why it seemed to appear out of nowhere.

'On top of that...it doesn't seem to have an AT Field at all; perhaps Adam thought this Angel didn't need one given it's whole 'invisible transmission' ability. But I'll bet that it can be trapped or blocked by one, and if I position one Eva on the shore of Lake Ashi, then one of the others could-'

And, having made my decision, and devised a new strategy, I at last issue the order that's been resting on the tip of my tongue...

"Evas launch!"

...sending my young charges to their designated posts in preparation for the coming attack.

Within seconds, all three titans of flesh and steel have reached the surface. And soon enough, each one of them reports back that they are positioned and ready to strike in order to close the trap I've devised.

'And now,' I say to myself, 'It really is time.'

Nearly dizzy with the vertigo of anticipation...

'It's going to work...I can feel it!'

...I give the order.

The first super-sized bullet sails across the sky along the southern edge of the city and strikes the black and white sphere nearly dead center.

The moment the bullet seems to make contact with it...

'WHAT THE-?'

It didn't burst open as I expected...but simply dissipated like a mirage, briefly fading from black and white to a reddish afterimage before completely disappearing from sight.

"It vanished!" Ritsuko cries out.

"Status?!" I shout towards the technicians, trying to reign in the reflexive panic.

'That bullet hit the fucking thing! I saw it hit! But it just went right through the Angel as if it weren't-

"Pattern Blue! Angel confirmed!" Makoto replies, his face draining of color even as I watch.

But it's his next words that turn the blood in my veins to ice.

"It's right beneath Unit..."

Note: No, Leliel did not attack or absorb HQ. I simply cut off Makoto at the end to keep the identity of the beleaguered Evangelion a secret...for now :)


	61. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt2)

AN: Alrighty then, moving right along.

Now we start to see things from the Pilot's POV...and we shall be beginning with Asuka

•1:19 PM

 **"It's going to take about four minutes for all the weapons to be sorted to their appointed silos, and for your Evas to be transported to their designated launch positions. Be ready, okay?"**

And with that, Misato's image winks out on the monitor.

'So', I think to myself, 'Here we go again, I guess.'

 _You should be happier. This is your chance to redeem yourself...to show everyone, especially Misato and stupid Shinji that you don't need to have the highest synch ratio to be the best._

I grimace in discomfort as a knot twists in my stomach. 'Even after everything...EVERYTHING that's happened since Wednesday...a part of me still has the gall to call him 'Stupid' Shinji?'

'Old habits die hard sometimes. Don't let it distract you from how you really feel now.'

 _How you 'really feel'? Don't make me laugh! The fact that I'm still here proves that the 'other one' is full of shit!_

'That isn't true...we have both acknowledged that she is still there, and may never leave. That is something we may have to learn to live with.'

Just then, I hear Shinji's voice over the communicator. **"Rei? Are you...alright?"**

 **"Yes Ikari,"** replies the First Child, **"I am well. Why do you ask?"**

My fists tighten on the control yokes as the feeling of being punched in the stomach ripples through my body.

 **"It's just that..."** Shinji hesitates for a moment. **"You look like you're worried about something, Rei."**

'The way they're talking to each other...I can't stand it! I hate it!'

I barely listen to what they're discussing...all I can picture, all I can think of...

'...is how their eyes must be looking at one another...'

His smile...I can tell he's smiling...

'He's never smiled at me without fear...I could tell he was always scared that I'd lash out when he did.'

It's funny really...

'It seems like such an insignificant little thing to suddenly become aware of after all this time, but now...just hearing him speak so openly and without fear...'

Knowing that I've really put myself beyond all hope of ever seeing it for myself...

'And for no one else...but me...'

I feel so...empty...

 _You're pathetic. So after everything...all the hell you've put yourself through to make something better of yourself...it turns out that you're really just another silly, stupid little teenage girl mooning over a worthless little boy. My, how the mighty have fallen..._

'I don't care if it's silly...it's not like I can pretend that what I feel isn't real anymore.'

I think back to that night...the feeling of his mouth, of his arms around me...

'Besides...even if I'm a fool for admitting the truth to myself...'

Outside the maelstrom of my inner thoughts, I can hear Shinji and First ending their conversation...and feel a growing need to do...to say...something, anything...

'...I'm through being an idiot for denying it.'

 _As if you really have the guts to say it out loud...you won't. Not in front of everyone else...not where they can all hear you..._

The knot twists even tighter.

'Maybe not...but maybe...I can test the waters.'

 _Yeah, I think we ALL know how well THAT'S going to go._

'I'm expecting that it won't go well. But...well...we could die out there today. I have to do...or say...something...before it's too late.'

Despite my resolution...it takes every ounce of my strength to press that button on the left control yoke. But eventually...

Shinji's face winks into being on the visual monitor...and for a moment, he simply looks stunned, as if this were the last thing on Earth he was expecting.

Then his eyes narrow, and his face hardens.

With all the effort I have to spare, I try to (and pray that I am succeeding) maintain a neutral expression as, for the first time since that night, I address Shinji directly.

"Third." That's all I can manage to say...and I keep my eyes averted, staring straight ahead of me as the hallways of the catapult array scroll past the visual monitor from right to left.

 **"What, Sohryu?"**

Despite my best effort, I can't stop myself from uttering a little gasp of horror.

'H-He called me 'S-Sohryu' again...I-I hate that!'

But...I can't say it really surprises me either. And besides, it's not just the words...

'His tone is so cold...and he's not stammering this time, and unlike me...he's not looking away...'

I permit myself a brief, peripheral glance at the boy's face. The gaze of his cobalt irises is steady and unwavering...and as calm as they are furious.

I feel a shiver pass over me that I pray doesn't show.

'But why...even now...am I trying so hard to defend my pride?'

 _Pathetic as you are...I suppose that at least grovelling is still beneath you._

But what if it's the only way?

'Maybe it's not necessary. Just try to be sincere...and stay calm.'

"I...just..." I begin to say...

'...want to say that I'm sorry...for everything, Shinji...'

The words are clear in my mind...but...

'He won't accept it! He won't believe me! He'll throw it all back in my face!'

I still can't do it. Not now. Maybe later, if I can speak to him face to face in person...but not here...not where everyone can hear me be humiliated and rejected.

"...just don't...don't do anything stupid out there today, Third."

Truthfully, I'm aware that apart from my tone of voice, I'm as good as being my old self by saying that.

'But I have to start somewhere...'

 **"Don't do anything stupid?"** Shinji repeats back to me, sounding bitterly amused, the ghost of a cold smile flickering across his face. **"Is that all? Maybe you should be a little more specific, Sohryu. After all, pretty much ANYTHING I do ANY time you're around counts as 'stupid' in your book."**

It's all I can do keep a wry smile of my own from showing.

'Yeah...I pretty much walked into that one.'

Still...there's one last thing I need to say...

"What I...mean to say is..."

I can feel sweat starting to prickle beneath my hair, and my heart, already pounding harder than usual, threatens to burst from my chest.

'And I MUST say this! Because...if I can't make myself say the thing that I want to say the most...then I least have to say this...'

"Don't die out there, Shinji."

Despite having expected the worst from the beginning, I think a part of me still hoped that what I said just now would catch Shinji off guard enough to let me under his skin just enough to show that...

'...I really mean what I'm saying this time.'

 **"A-And just w-what the hell is THAT supposed to mean, Sohryu?!"**

But, if indeed I did hope for, or even expect such a thing...

 **"Is that some kind of a threat or something?!"**

'...then I was dead wrong...'

His expression rapidly twists from cold anger to blistering rage, and his tone begins to rise ominously in both pitch and volume. **"What, are you gonna use me as bait for the Angel, and make it look like an accident just so you can hog all the glory the way you always-"**

 **"Both of you, knock it off this instant!"** Misato angrily interjects. **"It's less than a minute to the launch, we don't have time for this shit right now!"**

Even if I could think of a retort for Misato or Shinji...I just don't have it in me to try this time.

 **"That's better,"** Misato says after a brief silence. **"Now get your acts together, all three of you. We launch in twenty-eight seconds."**

As the seconds to the upcoming launch diminish, I take a moment to reflect on what has just taken place.

'I think...he really might hate me now...'

And he's right to...I don't blame him.

'And maybe that's why I didn't get angry...'

Normally...I'd have exploded right back at him for daring to talk to me the way he did...especially since I was trying to be nice for once.

'But after everything I've done...I know full well that it wouldn't do anything to help me do what I need to do.'

I guess then...what really surprises me...

'...is the fact that I really do have the willpower, and the actual desire to do this...or at least to do it when the time is right.'

Maybe after this battle...

 **"...ten, nine, eight, seven, six..."**

'No,' I think resolutely to myself, 'Not 'maybe'...definitely.'

I close my eyes, and smile sadly to myself as the countdown nears it's ending.

'As I expected, things didn't go well...but I've at least proven to myself that I now have the patience to see this through.'

And...as much as it pains me to admit it...

'I'm not really expecting him to forgive me anyway...not after everything...but I want him to know anyway. I want him to know that I really am sorry for everything I did and all the things I said. Anything else I might be hoping for at this point...'

 **"...five, four, three, two, one!"**

'...is probably beyond my reach. But still-'

 **"Evas launch!"**

And with a massive vertical thrust, Evangelion Unit 02 is propelled towards the surface...

'...and towards battle once more...'

A small smile, rather chillier than the one before, curls my lip upward, leaving my eyes untouched.

'...my true calling...the one thing that will never fail me.'

And this time, I have more reason than ever to destroy this Angel.

'He needs to survive this...if he doesn't...'

I clench my hands tighter around the control yokes as Unit 02 emerges from the catapult chute to the bright, sunny surface. And as soon as I free myself from the catapult's rails, I turn and see the black and white sphere slowly weaving its way through the forest of skyscrapers.

I glare up at the bizarre creature that somehow qualifies as the 'Twelfth Angel'.

'If you do anything to get in my way...'

My eyes narrow...

'...you'll regret it, Angel! Although...'

My scowl is replaced once more with a smile, a wider one this time, despite there being little change in my emotions.

'...it's not like you stood a chance against me to begin with!'

And...at least for a moment, the dull, clenching ache in my abdomen that's been plaguing me for the last three and half days is dispelled by a pleasantly familiar sensation.

The lust for battle might have been deadened for a time by the weight of my guilt and the agony of having to confront the source of it...but now that I'm here...and with my next target so near and within reach, it's all coming back to me.

My grin widens a little, as every one of my nerves collectively begin to intensify in sensitivity, and every muscle primes itself with a powerful tension that makes my human body feel...'godlike' perhaps?

'Though, I think that piloting a seventy-five meter war machine that I'm literally bonding with on a mental level probably helps there.'

Regardless, it is a glorious feeling...

'...knowing that in my hands is the power to destroy the monsters we call 'Angels', those great beasts that make a mockery of ALL the world's collective militaries and nuclear arsenals.'

Me, and Shinji, and Wondergirl...we're the only ones who hold that power in our hands. Though...neither of them seem to enjoy that honor.

'That's okay though. If they can't...or won't...I'm more than happy to be the one to embrace it. Speaking of which..."

I've paid rapt attention to the Angel this entire time ever since I was sortied to the surface, but now...I clear my mind of all else besides the task at hand, turning myself and by extension Unit 02, into a cocked and readied weapon...ready to be fired the moment the order is given.

'And this time...my AT Field is the ammunition. This should be interesting.'

Then, above me, the Angel passes by the last of the skyscrapers, and...

'It stopped moving? But why-'

My breath catches in my chest as I peer around the last skyscraper in the row, and look to the southwest.

There stands Unit 01...a lone figure standing several hundred meters away from the edge of Lake Ashi.

'Shinji...'

Something is wrong...I can feel it. None of the sensors are detecting anything off, and from what I can see, the Twelfth Angel hasn't done anything but come to a rather abrupt and unexpected halt...but...

It's like a sixth sense. Before...I wasn't completely sure if this Angel was even an actual living entity, but now...

'Shinji,' I think to myself in a terrified whisper, 'Get out of there! Run!'

And...if Misato's order to set off and close the trap we laid for the Angel hadn't come at that precise moment, then I may well have broken position and taken matters into my own hands.

But as it is, even without my interference...even after I've erected my AT Field at maximum strength as ordered...something...unexpected happens.

"What the Hell?!"


	62. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt3)

AN: Well, I guess I'll go ahead and put up the next one then.

Note: When Asuka says **'Was zur Hölle?'** ('What the Hell?' for those unfamiliar with German) here in this segment, it corresponds to her last line in the previous segment.

•1:07 PM

I press the buttons on the wrist of my plug suit, releasing all of the air within at once with a small hissing sound. Instantly, the material of the black and white bodysuit clings to my flesh like a second skin.

With this accomplished, I know I ought not delay my departure, especially given that the situation at hand is even more grave than usual.

The Twelfth Angel has managed to infiltrate the city, and has done so without being detected or even being seen approaching.

'How is this possible?'

I shake my head. 'Such questions are irrelevant to me. All that matters is the accomplishment of my objective; the complete destruction of all the progeny of Adam. And in this task, I must not fail.'

Images flash through my mind...

 _Ikari, Gendo..._

 _Ikari, Shinji..._

 _Major Katsuragi..._

 _Suzuhara and-..._

'How strange it is...that I always saw the two of them, Aida and Suzuhara, as a sort of...joint-being; where one component could not exist independently without the other. And yet...now...'

In a memory not yet even an hour old, I see Aida pelting off into the distance, a curiously defined figure amidst the faceless crowd that had swelled around him as he ran.

'When I think of Suzuhara, Aida is invariably present alongside him...but the same is not true in reverse. Aida, as an individual presence, has become...more sharply defined in my thoughts.'

Realizing with a jolt that I have been stationary for at least a few seconds, I rise to my feet and make my way to the door, only pausing once more when my gaze falls on the shattered mirror opposite the door.

'Pilot Sohryu's work...I am certain.'

I feel a surge of dislike as I close the door behind me.

'Pilot Ikari managed to exceed her synch ratio yesterday. I wonder if she mentally envisioned him as her target when she destroyed that mirror.'

The same rapidly intensifying yet controlled fury that had compelled me to confront Pilot Sohryu two days ago is setting every vein, every limb, every sinew, every convolution in my brain on fire with the same resounding declaration.

'She will never touch him again! Whatever his objections may be...if need be, I will stand before him just as he did for me.'

But...I doubt that Pilot Sohryu will undertake such actions towards Ikari today.

'She will desire to slay this Angel above all else...her every thought, every breath will be bent towards doing so in order to redeem her damaged pride.'

 _She is not the only one who greatly desires to slay the Angel. Albeit, your reasons are...different._

Once again, I see Aida fleeing towards the nearest shelter, just as I instructed him to do.

'The provisional shelters nearest the peripheries of the city are essentially just concrete bunkers...their only real use is to hide civilians from the Angels...and to hide the Angels from them as well.'

I enter the elevator that will take me to the Entry Plug catwalk. Despite the racing of my thoughts, it is without my earlier hesitation that I press the button, automatically shutting the doors behind me. The lift then begins to rise.

'However, if an Angel were to intentionally target one of those shelters, or even...target something nearby and unintentionally catch it in the crossfire...'

I tighten my right fist inside the white glove of the plug suit, and the material creaks slightly in response.

'I cannot allow such a thing to happen. It is because of me that Aida is in such a tenuous location to begin with.'

 _Do not allow such a trivial maters to distract you from your real purpose on this day! Aida's is but one life...a single drop in an ocean of billions. You will not let concern for a single life derail you, yes?_

The harshness of those words nearly makes me forget that the doors of the lift have opened. And even when I realize it...

'I know that the Commander's Scenario is something greater than any one life...but...'

 _But what?_

From the day I was born, it was made perfectly clear to me that I was a tool with a specific designation. The Commander provides occasional companionship and is generally pleasant to me.

'I care for him, and he for me...yet...'

I step out of the elevator and walk towards the white capsule...and beyond it, the blue-armored cyclopean beast of steel and flesh, Unit 00.

There it stands, seventy-five meters in height, silent and grim, it's single red optical lens staring out at nothing...or so it would have an idle viewer think.

'For within that flesh, beneath the veneer of that armor is a...presence...more savage than any Angel I have yet encountered.'

The boots within the plugsuit clang against the metal of the catwalk as I stride forward.

'I once slapped the younger Ikari for doubting his father's work...for having presumed that I fear for my life when piloting the work of the Commander's hand and mind.'

I know that I can be replaced...I have been told so repeatedly. In particular, Dr. Akagi seems to almost take a strange comfort in being able to tell me so from time to time, whether it seems necessary or not.

'As such, I fear not for my death.'

Indeed...death would be a reprieve for me.

'But until the Scenario is enacted, I will remain bound to this world and its pain and uncertainty.'

I clamber into the enclosed, though thankfully not cramped space within the capsule, shutting the hatch behind me as I settle into the console chair.

 _And yet...do I really still feel that death is a reprieve?_

After all, I now know that Ikari dreads the idea that I may perish.

'I do not wish to cause Ikari pain. And...'

Once more, the image of Aida...this time of his triumphant grin after we had conquered that thoroughly unrealistic, yet surprisingly enjoyable combat simulator, flashes through my brain.

'...I think there is another who wishes to see me return safely.'

 _And in turn, you wish to return in order to be sure that he has survived today's battle as well._

I feel the capsule being placed into Unit 00's back, and the subsequent gyration as the Entry Plug screws itself into place. A few seconds later, a translucent orange fluid with a strong odor of copper begins to fill the cockpit from bottom up.

The familiar taste of blood fills my mouth as I instinctively begin to breathe the LCL into my lungs, allowing my blood to be directly oxygenated.

A full rainbow spectrum of colors and bright white pinpricks of light flashes before my eyes as my mind successfully synchronizes with that of the titan cyborg...and as ever, I feel the odd sensation of two separate consciences melding together.

'And yet...despite BEING two separate entities...'

 _There's a curious sense of...completion; a wholeness that I have never felt elsewhere in my life._

 _"Ayanami, just why do you pilot this thing?"_

That was what Ikari had asked me mere minutes before we fought Ramiel.

I had answered him, _"Because I'm bonded to it."_

I hadn't ever elaborated on the duality of my response to his question.

 **"Alright you three, listen up!"** Major Katsuragi's unusually stern voice cuts across my reverie and immediately lays it to rest as I turn my eyes and full attention to the holographic image of her face on the visual monitor. **"Here's the current status of the situation at hand."**

Major Katsuragi proceeds to relay her report of the Twelfth Angel's movement, location, projected attack method, and her theory of its intended strategy.

'An Angel with the ability to strategize as well as cloak its movements?'

These are indeed troubling possibilities that I, admittedly, had never considered a possibility...at least once the Angels had set an overall impression of either relying on overwhelming power and invulnerability or fatally overspecialized abilities that were easy to counter once their weakness had been deduced. The only notable exception had been Israfel, with its dual-cores making it nigh-indestructible by ANY means, conventional or otherwise.

'No matter how many times I see the footage, I STILL cannot deduce how the battle and subsequent victory that took place on the 11th day of the previous month was even POSSIBLE...and attempting to rationalize it simply made my brain feel like it had been stomped on by Unit 02 during one of Pilot Sohryu's frequent tantrums and-'

 **"So here's the plan you three,"** Major Katsuragi's voice once again cuts across my internal monologuing.

'I've been doing that a LOT today, haven't I?'

 **"Shinji, I'm placing you about three-hundred meters from the shore of Lake Ashi. You're going to block the Angel's path to the lake and prevent it from going over the water where we can't hit it. Spread Unit 01's AT Field to maximum strength. That 'teleportation' trick the Angel used to sneak its way into the city is probably just an ability to transport its mass in bursts of speed too fast for the human eye to detect. But since it doesn't seem to have an AT Field of its own, it probably won't be able to cancel out yours and bypass it."**

 **"O-Okay. Understood Misato,"** Ikari answers nervously, sounding more than a little skeptical.

 **"Asuka,"** Major Katsuragi addresses Pilot Sohryu, **"I'm sending Unit 02 to the northwest corner of the central district, right where the two columns of skyscrapers meet. By the time I send you there, the Angel will probably be almost on top of you, so BE CAREFUL! DO NOT engage the Angel until I give the order to do so, and keep out of sight; use the buildings as cover."**

Sohryu's response is...unexpected to say the least. Not necessarily WHAT she says...but the dull, flat tone in which she utters her single word reply.

 **"Right."**

'Normally, she'd probably be complaining about not taking the point and not being allowed to attack the thing head on,' I think to myself, shooting a narrow-eyed glance at the holographic image of Sohryu's face.

It's then that I notice her expression. Her face contains none of its usual domineering arrogance or churlish irritation. Instead her countenance is one of gloom...with little to no evidence of her typical hotheaded bloodlust when entering a battle.

After a moment though, she seems to deduce that my eyes are fixed on her, and her morose expression is dispelled by a tooth-baring scowl, her cerulean blue eyes narrowed with the same dislike I am wordlessly directing at her.

 **"Good,"** continues Major Katsuragi, while deftly shooting a warning look at Sohryu. **"Okay, next up is** **Rei."**

Once more, I focus my full attention on my commanding officer, clearing my mind of all else.

 **"Rei, I'm sending Unit 00 to the foothills southeast of the city. Once you're in position, retrieve the sniper rifle from the nearest weapon silo. You're to keep the Angel in your crosshairs, but DO NOT fire until I order you to do so. Understood?"**

"Yes, Major Katsuragi," I reply.

 **"And when you fire the rifle, only fire once, then observe the Angel's response and stand by for further orders."**

I nod in compliance. "Understood."

 **"Good. Now then, back to you Asuka. Once Rei fires that first shot, spread your AT Field to maximum power and size. Try to prevent the Angel from retaliating against Unit 00, while still exploiting its distraction, and see if you can trap it in place."**

 **"Then Shinji..."** her attention turns to Ikari again, **"Once Asuka has deployed Unit 02's AT Field, I want you to do the same and immediately move forward to close in on the Angel. I want both of you to use your AT Fields to trap the damn thing and make sure it can't go darting out of reach on us. If possible, see it you can press the bastard to death between your two Fields, or at least incapacitate it."**

A ghost of Sohryu's familiar smirk flits across her face...perhaps relishing the potential brutality of such an attack. Ikari, on the other hand, blanches slightly.

Ignoring the unspoken responses of both her erstwhile and current wards, Major Katsuragi presses on, **"Rei, if this Angel is anything like what I suspect it is...that is to say, with offensive capabilities similar to Ramiel and it's particle beam weapon...then your position in this battle might well be a very dangerous one. My suggestion would be to fire your first shot, then drop the rifle and spread your AT Field like the others. You're mostly just taking the shot to gauge the Angel's reaction. If the sniper rifle DOES happen to be effective, then try to pick it up again as soon as you can. If you're unable to retrieve it, I'll have the spare sent up to you. Though, it may end up being a better idea just to have you help Asuka and Shinji press in on it with your AT Field. But we'll see how things go down first."** She takes a deep breath. **"Also, you have my permission to reposition yourself at your own discretion. Just be safe, okay?"** She flicks her eyes over to my two fellow pilots in turn. **"That goes for ALL THREE of you! Stay alert, be smart, come back alive."**

Her face turns to the side and she begins issuing orders to the technicians, letting them know where to send what weapons. Then she turns back to us to inform us that we'll be launching in approximately four minutes, before her image winks out on the monitor.

A tense silence falls, only broken by the low hum of the active Evangelion and my own slow, even breaths.

'In a few minutes, we will face what may be our most difficult and dangerous battle yet.'

I dislike knowing so little of our opponent's offensive and defensive capabilities...but what is there to do but trust in Major Katsuragi's strategy?

'She has not failed us yet...and I do not think that she will.'

 **"Rei?"** Ikari's face appears on the monitor, looking troubled. **"Are you...alright?"**

I nod my head, trying to summon a small smile to my lips. "Yes Ikari. I am well. Why do you ask?"

 **"It's just that..."** Ikari looks unconvinced. **"You look like you're worried about something, Rei."**

The pseudo-smile drops from my face, and I slump slightly in my seat. "I do not like the uncertainty surrounding this Angel. We are operating on even less reliable information than usual, and the less information there is...the likelier the possibility that there may be losses in the battle to come."

Ikari's face pales.

Suddenly regretting my choice of words, I hastily add, "It's quite likely that my fear is unfounded. This is just a rather unusual situation we're facing today. But I will ensure that none of us fall prey."

With these last words, I fix Ikari with a pointed look, and I see his eyes widen with comprehension.

I nod with a small, and this time genuine, smile. "It is true that I can be replaced...but I do not wish to be. And I shall not be."

Ikari momentarily looks flabbergasted...then his face cracks into a warm smile. **"Right."** And his image winks out.

Despite feeling warmth in my soul at the sight of his smile, there is still one cloud that hangs over my conscience.

'I did not mention or confide in him my fears concerning Kensuke Aida.'

Though perhaps...Ikari is already worried enough about his friend's wellbeing. Bringing it up would likely only serve to deepen any existing fear already weighing on his mind.

Any further self-examination of this topic is cut short, however, by an abrupt statement that, while not directed towards me, is still broadcasted through my communication device.

 **"Third."**

Both by the voice itself, and its owners habit of addressing Ikari with that particular moniker, I know that it is Pilot Sohryu speaking...and yet...

'Her tone...this is most unlike her...'

So cold is the voice that replies, that if it did not lack the deepness of an additional thirty-four years of age, I might have mistaken it for the other Ikari. **"What, Sohryu?"**

A small noise from Sohryu's end follows Ikari's response. It sounds like a sudden intake of breath...as if recoiling from hearing something awful.

 **"I...just..."**

I frown at the communication device, feeling immensely perplexed.

'Something about the way she's speaking to him now is highly unusual.'

 **"...just don't...don't do anything stupid out there today, Third."**

The instinctive revulsion I'm feeling is also very curious.

This is the only time I can recall hearing Sohryu speak to Ikari in a tone of voice that does NOT indicate disdain or imperiousness at best and barely restrained violence at worst.

'Why now, then, does the sound of her voice fill me with such a disagreeable feeling, when she is speaking so softly and calmly...when it seems that, for once in her life, she means no harm?'

 **"Don't do anything stupid?"** Ikari sounds mirthlessly amused. **"Is that all?"**

'And why does Ikari's disagreeable tone make me feel...comfortable? I would not want him to speak to me in such a way.'

 **"Maybe you should be a little more specific, Sohryu,"** he continues, sounding calm, yet seemingly spitting her name out as if expelling a vile substance from his mouth, **"After all, pretty much ANYTHING I do ANY time you're around counts as 'stupid' in your book."**

I blink in shock.

'It is most unlike Ikari to so boldly invite Sohryu's wrath.'

 _And so unlike you to welcome such unpleasant behavior from him._

I wait for the expected hammer to fall...

 **"What I...mean to say is..."**

My eyes widen even further, and I cannot suppress a small gasp of surprise. Her demeanor is...unchanged?

'I...don't like this...'

 **"...don't die out there, Shinji."**

My teeth begin to clench as I try to envision the expression on Pilot Sohryu's face...the expression with which she would speak such atypically soft words.

'This is most disagreeable. It is...unacceptable! Stop this at once, Pilot Sohryu!'

There is a rather long silence...before...

 **"A-And just w-what the hell is THAT supposed to mean, Sohryu?!"** Ikari's response is a mixture of emotions. Anger...perhaps even rage...is at the forefront, but...

'There is fear there as well...'

 **"Is that some kind of a threat or something?!"** His tone is rising, almost hysterically it seems. **"What, are you gonna use me as bait for the Angel, and make it look like an accident just so you can hog all the glory the way you always-"**

But their exchange is interrupted by a voice nearly as angry as Shinji's.

 **"Both of you, knock it off this instant!"** snaps Major Katsuragi. **"It's less than a minute to the launch, we don't have time for this shit right now!"**

Neither Ikari nor Sohryu respond to her reprimand, the silence between them tense as the coils of a compressed spring.

 **"That's better,"** the Major says in an approving yet ominous voice. **"Now get your acts together, all three of you. We launch in twenty-eight seconds."**

For some reason, the next eight seconds before the last twenty are counted down to zero seem unnaturally long, even as my Eva is transported to its designated launch point.

 **"Nineteen,"** the voice of Maya Ibuki counts down, **"Eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven..."**

'Why is Sohryu acting so strangely towards Ikari? Is it possible that she regrets her actions towards him?'

 **"...ten, nine, eight, seven, six..."**

'And if she does...shouldn't I be glad? Why am I not?'

 **"...five, four, three, two, one!"**

 **"Evas launch!"** cries Major Katsuragi.

And with a violent lurch, Unit 00 begins its rapid ascent to the surface via the launch catapults.

And in well under a minute, Unit 00 emerges into the bright, early afternoon sunlight of the surface.

Freeing myself from the rails of the catapult, I quickly glance in the direction of the Twelfth Angel's current position. It does not appear to have noticed the arrival of any of the three Evangelions, and is still floating slowly towards Lake Ashi.

Satisfied that I have not been detected, I quickly make my way to the nearest weapon silo, and retrieve the Evangelion-scale sniper rifle.

Then, taking care to dodge any visible structures, I make my way to the southeast, and perch Unit 00 on one of the hillsides on a low bluff, watching as the hordes of birds disturbed by the quaking, or in some cases, smashing and splintering of their trees begin to darken the sky around me.

If the Angel notices this disturbance, it gives no sign of altering its course of movement in response. The floating sphere simply continues to sail very slowly to the southwest...

'Directly towards Ikari...'

I tighten my grip on the rifle as I align the scope with Unit 00's 'eye'. Within seconds, the highly visible and slow-moving Angel is within my crosshairs, the Eva's finger resting on the trigger...only a single command thought standing between me and the shot that will likely decide the entirety of the battle.

It isn't long after that the Angel reaches the end of the row of skyscrapers. And when it does...

'It stopped?'

The Angel comes to a halt in midair.

 **"What is it doing?"** I hear Major Katsuragi whisper, seemingly to herself, and sounding deeply disquieted. **"Nevermind."** Her face appears on the monitor once more. **"Are all three of you in your designated positions?"**

 **"Yes Misato,"** reply Sohryu and Ikari.

"Yes Major," I affirm.

 **"Right then. Rei, take the shot now,"** she commands.

"Yes Major." And the command circuit I have primed my brain to execute upon receiving the pertinent order closes. My right hand squeezes the trigger on the butterfly control yoke and the finger of Unit 00 does the same to the trigger of the massive rifle it holds.

An explosion of fire and sound from the gun barrel rips through the stillness of the silent city, and the colossal roar distantly reverberates throughout the landscape.

The projectile seems to fly in slow motion, and even as I drop the rifle and erect my AT Field to maximum strength in expectation of a retaliatory attack, I watch as the bullet the size of a vehicle sails along the southern edge of the city limits and strikes the Twelfth Angel dead in the center of its spherical body.

I had expected the bullet to be stopped by the orange flash of an AT Field...for despite Major Katsuragi's assertion that it likely did not have an AT Field, a part of me felt that the Angel might have simply been able to hide it to avoid detection.

This however...is not the case...

 **"W-What?!"**

 **"Was zur Hölle?"**

I hear the two exclamations of surprise in tandem with my gasp of shock as I see, with my own eyes, the Twelfth Angel...vanish.

'And yet...I can sense...'

I see something huge and spherical appear overhead in my peripheral vision, and I feel a surge of panic run through me, and I begin to retreat, even before hearing the overlapping voices of Ikari and Major Katsuragi crying out, **"Rei, run!" "It's right on top of you Rei! Get out of there now!"**

I flee down the hillside, no longer caring if there's anything in my way.

'I mustn't let it find me! It's coming, I feel it!'

For when the sphere had faded first into a reddish afterimage and then into nothing but the blue sky and wispy clouds it had previously blocked from view...

'I didn't feel like it had truly disappeared. It was more like...watching an eye open...as if that black and white exterior were an eyelid.'

The feet of my Evangelion stomp new watering holes into the landscape as I flee to...

'I don't know where I'm going...all I know is that I need to-'

But my feet are suddenly stuck...held fast as if they had become embedded in a deep mire.

'But a mire would not make my limbs go numb. What has the Angel done to me? What's happening to-'

The forward momentum should have sent me toppling to the ground...but it does not. Instead, it sends the upper half of Unit 00 whiplashing forward. I cry out from the sympathetic pain as my upper body experiences the sensation of being violently thrust forward and down.

It does, however, provide the chance to look down and see what has happened to my legs, which are now numb halfway up the shins.

And what I see...

The air seems to vanish from my lungs, the last of it expelled through my tightening throat in an involuntary whimper of terror.

Mere feet in front of me, I can see the rolling green grass of the hillside...but beneath my feet, and as far as the eye can see behind me is...nothing. The trees on the hillside...and several dozen city blocks to the left of me...are sinking into it; a great, shapeless mass of aphotic darkness.


	63. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt4)

•1:23 PM

'Ugh, my stomach! I never could get used to that damned catapult.'

Only pausing a moment to shake the fuzz out of my brain, I move quickly to my designated location, and within moments I am standing at my post, approximately 300 meters from the water's edge of Lake Ashi.

Behind me, the early afternoon sunlight glistens cheerily off of the placid surface, the lapping sound of the water creating a tranquility that clashes dissonantly with the vision that is slowly...but steadily...filling my visual monitor.

That vision...is of the enormous black and white sphere drifting its way directly towards me.

'It must be able to 'see' me...why is it moving so slowly?'

I know I should probably be grateful for it's slow movement...but honestly, having to just stand here and watch it crawl its way towards me is just...creepy.

'We don't even know what this thing is capable of doing. And what if it suddenly decides to stop taking its time...and just swoops down on me and...'

I suddenly get a horrible reminder of the Ninth Angel, Matarael, and its ability to secrete acid from its body.

'I really hope this Angel doesn't have that ability. There's no way I'm going to have time to dodge that if the Angel decides to stop fooling around. According to Misato, this Angel can probably move itself too fast to even be seen moving; she says that's how it just sort of...appeared overhead.'

With a nervous gulp, I wordlessly command Unit 01 to extend its AT Field to maximum power; and from the purple titan, a massive transparent forcefield is projected outward. The still landscape around me is, for the first time today, disturbed by moving air...moving air that is not wind, but rather...energy dis-...placement?

'I guess that's what it is...I'm not really good with knowing that kind of stuff. Asuka would probably-'

Asuka...

'Just what was Sohryu's problem earlier?!'

 _"Don't die out there, Shinji."_

I feel my jaw tighten with residual anger.

'She tried to play nice again. Damn her!'

Does she really think that I'm stupid enough to fall for that?! I know it's just one of her dirty tricks!

'I'll bet anything that it's her way of trying make me let my guard down in order to get back at me; pay me back for having insulted her in public...not that she'd even NEED a reason to screw with my head to begin with!'

Does she REALLY take me for that much of a fool?!

'Heh...like I even need to ask myself that question...'

 _'What are you, stupid?!'_

 _'You idiot!'_

 _'Stupid pervert!'_

 _'Dummkopf!'_

'Well...to be fair, I don't know the EXACT meaning of that last one...but given her demeanor when she says it, it seems pretty obvious that it's NOT a compliment...and given the colorful variety of words she uses to describe how brainless I apparently am, it's most likely the German word for 'moron' or someth-'

I pause my inner monologue as I take a closer look at the Angel approaching me...only to notice that it ISN'T approaching me anymore.

'It stopped moving? But wh-'

I suddenly feel a paralyzing wave of terror wash over me...unlike ANYTHING I've ever felt before, even against other Angels.

'What the hell?' I ask myself, suddenly too short of breath to even whisper the question aloud to myself. 'What's happening to me?!' My eyes are bulging, and fixing almost automatically on a point roughly at the center of the black and white sphere. 'Get a grip!'

This feeling...

'This is less like the primal need to fight or flee, it's more like...dread. Knowing that whether I fight or flee...'

It's then that I notice...

I can't be sure...but it...looks like a thin, horizontal, red line slowly widening into appearance right at the sphere's equator. But it's so thin, I can't tell. Maybe I'm just seeing things...

'I mustn't run away...'

I mustn't run away...

 **"What is it doing?"** I hear Misato say over the radio communicator, seemingly asking herself more than us. She sounds slightly unnerved...but nevertheless brushes it aside. **"Nevermind."** Her face then appears on the monitor screen. **"Are all three of you in your designated positions?"**

"Yes Misato," I reply, mechanically enough that my voice is surprisingly steady in spite of my mounting panic.

 **"Yes Misato,"** Asuka replies, sounding atypically unnerved herself.

 **"Yes Major."** Rei too, seems unusually nervous.

'Can they sense it too?'

My hands begin to tremble on the control yokes, and I feel an ever growing urge to scream and flee even...

 ** _'...though_** I **_(you) could not?'_**

The thin, red line is clearly visible now...and growing wider.

'Now I KNOW I can see it! I...I-I have to tell the others! I...I...'

But my tongue seems to have have gone numb and dead, too heavy to lift within my petrified mouth...my chest feels like it's been wrapped in steel. I can barely breathe...let alone speak...

 **"Right then."** Misato's voice manages to pierce the fog filling my brain. **"Rei, take the shot now."**

I hear Rei's unceremonious acknowledgement of the order, and then...

BOOM!

The silent air is rent with the mighty blast of the Eva-scale sniper rifle. The massive projectile strikes the Angel directly in the center of its spherical body, and...

"W-What?" I choke out in my utter shock.

 **"Was zer Hölle?"** cries Asuka, sounding equally surprised.

For the moment the sphere had been pierced by the sniper round, it had flashed red and then faded into nothing...leaving only the placid blue sky where it had once been floating.

I take an instinctive step back, barely even noticing that several structures have been reduced to fine dust upon their foundations by the massive foot of Unit 01, my attention fully focused upon the seemingly empty skies above, frantically looking around until...

The sphere appears on the right side of my peripheral vision, now hovering above a distant blue pinprick about a kilometer and a half from where I'm st-

'...Oh god...it's hanging right over-'

Even as my insides begin to shrivel and clench in terror, I don't think twice before taking off, no longer caring about orders or strategies or even nebulous primal fears. All that matters is that Rei is...

"Rei, run!" I scream into the receiver, hardly caring that Unit 00 had in fact begun to retreat seconds beforehand.

 **"It's right on top of you Rei! Get out of there now!"** I hear Misato cry over the radio comm.

In her image on the monitor, Rei's face, though naturally pale, is now as white as a sheet.

'My god...I've never seen her this scared before...what is the Angel do-'

But I need not have asked the question of myself, for the forces of causality seem to have taken a perverse pleasure in answering it in advance.

Beneath the floating sphere, there had been a shadow where its mass blocked the sunlight above...now that shadow seems to be rapidly spreading out wider...and wider...and wider...

'Wh-...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?!'

The 'shadow' no longer resembles a shadow...shadows aren't so pitch black that everything they cover becomes invisible beneath them...and they certainly aren't ALIVE; at least...not in the sense that they can rapidly expand while the object casting it remains completely motionless above it.

The 'shadow' is now a massive expanse of...

'It's not even accurate to call it darkness...it's more like...living nothingness...'

It blankets the hills and fields and rapidly overruns numerous blocks of the city, curiously leaving the trees of the former and buildings of the latter uncovered, despite appearing to bury the ground beneath them.

Then the 'nothingness' spreads beneath the feet of Unit 00...

'...no...'

The blue Evangelion's torso whiplashes forward, its feet suddenly immobile, seemingly held fast as if the 'nothingness' beneath it were a vast tar pit.

'No!'

 **"Ikari! Major! Sohryu!"** I can hear Rei's shallow, rapid breaths...and on the monitor, I can see that her crimson eyes are wide with terror. **"Unit 00 is sinking! The shadow is pulling me down!"**

And as I watch...sure enough, like an enormous tar pit, everything above its surface...buildings, trees...and Unit 00...are beginning to sink down into its Stygian depths.

'No no no no no NO NO NO NO NO!'

I lengthen Unit 01's strides until my legs begin to burn with the strain, the buildings of the city to my right turning into a grey and white blur.

 **"Shinji! Asuka!"** Misato cries out, her face stricken. **"Rescue Unit 00! Hurry!"**


	64. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt5)

AN: Once more, no preamble...none is needed here.

•1:27 PM

As I watch the legs of Unit 00 disappear into the blackness beneath me, the numbness creeps up to the level of my pelvis.

It is a strange sensation indeed...

The numbness is that which is being felt by Unit 00. I am experiencing it in my own body... and yet I am not.

Were this situation not so dire, I might have taken more time to marvel at the sheer strangeness of the war raging in my nervous system.

But all that matters now...

"Ikari! Major! Sohryu! Unit 00 is sinking! The shadow is pulling me down!"

 **"Shinji! Asuka!"** I hear Major Katsuragi cry out. **"Rescue Unit 00! Hurry!"**

 **"I'm coming, Rei!"** Ikari responds frantically. **"Just hold on!"**

In the distance, I can see the purple giant that is Unit 01 growing larger and larger, a huge dust cloud trailing its quickening footsteps as it's enormous feet churn the landscape beneath them. And through the heart of the city, to the northwest, Unit 02 is also approaching...though at a much slower pace, impeded as it is by structures that are roughly the same height as the Evangelion itself.

Over the radio, I hear Major Katsuragi order the plug to be ejected...but nothing happens.

 **"Rei, see if you can eject the plug manually!"**

"Y-Yes Major!" I reply dutifully, despite feeling a terrible certainty that I will have no more success than HQ.

I pull the lever, and instinctively brace myself.

But nothing happens...

"Ejection failed!" I report, struggling to keep the panic out of my voice. "The signal isn't being received!"

'Or the Angel is blocking it somehow.'

And now, I am submerged from the waist below...

'They aren't going to reach me in time,' I think to myself fearfully. 'I'm going to be completely submerged before either of them are halfway here...and then...'

I look down at the 'shadow', whose darkness is so complete, so perfectly pitch black, that it almost hurts to stare at it.

'This...this is the Angel's true form isn't it? Or...'

I try not to mentally envision the implication of the thought that follows...

'...at least it is the mouth of the Angel's true form.'

In desperation, I unfurl Unit 00's AT Field, and direct it downward into the 'shadow'. And to my utter amazement...

'My descent is slowing!'

Although I continue to sink deeper, the rate of my descent, which before would have seen me completely immersed in less than one-quarter of a minute, slows to at least half that speed...and gradually continues to decelerate as I strengthen my Field to maximum power.

Then, while keeping part of my mind focused on the Field, I extend Unit 00's arms out in front of me to clutch at the solid ground within my reach and, mustering all my strength, attempt to claw my way forward and out.

'But it isn't enough! I'm still being pulled down!'

For all the behemoth's strength, I am unable to pull myself forward even a millimeter against the colossal force dragging me down.

And, even as my horrified eyes watch, Unit 00's scraping fingers do little more than leave meters deep trenches in the earth as the Angel continues to pull me under and into itself, slowed by my struggling, but far from thwarted.

'And what's worse...'

I shoot a terrified glance at the battery timer, watching as the remaining minutes are eaten away faster than an actual time countdown would be, due to the use of my AT Field at full power.

If I'm pulled down, I'll have no power left for the life support...unless I simply allow myself to be swallowed now. Otherwise...Unit 00 will power down, and...

'If I die, I can be replaced...but if my soul cannot be salvaged, then...'

No...

'I cannot die! Not like this! His plans will fail...all will be doomed...and Ikari...and Aida...'

Holding out for rescue would be the most ideal solution...but I do not believe it will come in time, even with the seconds I've bought.

I retract the AT Field...and gasp in revulsion as the numbing sensation begins to climb upwards to my chest.

'If I cannot free myself this way, then all I can do is hope for rescue after I have been submerged...or if possible, find a way to free myself from the inside. If neither course is possible...then all hope is lost. But by struggling and exhausting all power...it is a near guarantee that I will die here. And if finding a way out myself is the only hope of escape...then I must remain alive until I can do so.'

Unit 00's left elbow makes contact with the Angel's surface, and the entire arm is violently dragged below, becoming a phantom limb like the others, save for the right arm which still desperately claws at the ground, churning it into ungrippable mush.

'It's so cold here...'

And at last...I let the right arm go limp, as I curl myself into a ball of terror on the seat, and prepare to switch to life support only.

That is...until my free arm is seized in a powerful grip and quickly stretched taut as said grip stubbornly refuses to yield.

Only the right arm and shoulder, and the right half of Unit 00's head are unsubmerged...but my descent comes to an abrupt halt.

 **"I've got you, Rei!"** calls out a jubilant voice, **"I'll pull you out!"**

"I-Ikari?!" My eyes snap open, though only the right eye seems to be responding properly, and fix upon the horned visage and kneeling figure of Unit 01.


	65. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt6)

AN: Just for fun, here's the soundtrack for the entire scene, starting with the Evas arriving on the surface and moving into position.

/lymj5oiFJRM

/78Jv6-x62Mk

/78Jv6-x62Mk

•1:27 PM

It was a good thing that Misato had the umbilical cable ejected remotely. I was so singleminded in my rush to save Rei, that might well have run until the cable stretched to its limit, and either forced me stop...or worse, sent me tumbling backwards to the ground when the cord whiplashed.

Thanks to her quick thinking, I was able to conserve power until the last available second without having to slow down.

As I get closer, I see the left arm of Unit 00 disappear into the blackness...and moments later, to my horror, the blue Evangelion goes visibly limp, ceasing all attempts to free itself.

'Don't give up, Rei!'

I'm tempted to run faster...but as it is...

'I need to start slowing down! Otherwise, I'll just get MYSELF stuck in the damn thing!'

Ahead of me, the ghastly scene right out of a horror story, once seeming so far away that I'd never reach it in time, looms closer...and closer!

Silently praying that I've chosen the right moment, I begin to slow my footfalls.

'Shit!'

Despite noticeably losing speed, at my current rate of deceleration...

 **"Shinji, you're going too fast! You won't be able to stop in time!"** cries Misato.

My only options now are to throw myself to the ground...and give up any hope of saving Rei...or try something very risky...and stupid...

'I guess I'm stupid then!'

And at precisely the right moment, I turn Unit 01's feet, and grind them sideways into the earth beneath them in a sort of pseudo baseball slide.

With loud rumbling sound, the ground beneath Unit 01's feet is gouged and churned into a pair of deep ruts, as the purple titan quickly skids to halt...thankfully only a few dozen meters from my intended location.

From there, with only a handful of steps, I reach the edge of the Angel's 'shadow', and kneel sideways at its circumference.

Half of Unit 00's apathetically tilted head is sunken into the black expanse as I lash out my Eva's right arm...and successfully take hold of its fallen comrade's hand.

"I've got you, Rei!" I call out triumphantly. "I'll pull you out!"

 **"I-Ikari?!"** Rei turns her face to the screen. The left eye is strangely unfocused, while the right is wide with fear, surprise and relief in equal measure.

"It's me, Rei," I reply softly with a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, I'll get you out of there."

And, with a stupendous effort, I begin to pull.

Unit 00...does not budge.

'No...'

Dread washes over me in great crashing waves, filling my insides with its leaden weight.

I try again, redoubling my efforts. And this time...my efforts are rewarded. The left half of Unit 00's head emerges from the pool of 'shadow'. But it comes at a cost...

 **"Aaahhhhhh,"** Rei cries out, clutching her right arm inside the plug.

"I-I'm sorry Rei!" I stammer nervously, now aware of just how hard I must have been pulling. "I-I'll have you o-out of there in-"

My grip on the arm slips a little...

'D-Dammit!'

In my haste to regain a hold on Unit 00, I shift myself slightly closer to the edge of the 'shadow'.

"S-Sorry Rei! D-Don't worry you're gonna be-"

 **"Ikari!"** Rei gasps in horror.

It's then that I notice...the ground is sliding underneath me.

"What the-?"

My left foot goes numb...and the sensation rapidly begins to spread upward.

I look down...and feel my blood freeze.

"No..."

When I repositioned myself, I must have put my left foot too near the 'shadow'. And when my grip on Unit 00 slipped, the 'shadow' must've started to pull it down again...and me along with it.

In an attempt to stop my quickening slide towards the unearthly maw, I put as much weight as possible into my free right leg, pressing it down as deeply as possible, in the hope that I can still push myself forward and free myself and Unit 00, who's right hand is still firmly grasped in my left.

But the earth, already churned and pulverized by the struggling hands of Unit 00, simply shifts and parts around Unit 01's foot, failing to prevent its steady slide backwards.

 **"Ikari!"** Rei cries. **"Let go! You have to let go! You must save Unit 01 and yourself while you still can!"**

"Are you out of your mind?" I snarl back, still desperately and futilely trying to grind my right foot deeper into the ground. "I'm not going anywhere! Not without y-"

 **"Shinji!"**

More than anything it's Rei's unexpected use of my first name that silences me.

From the visual monitor, her crimson eyes bore into me through the holographic image. **"Please listen."** She smiles sadly. **"If you let me go, I may yet be able to find a way out."**

"B-But," I retort, "Y-You don't know that! What if you can't?! What if you die in there?!"

 **"Then I will be replaced."**

"No!" I yell in horrified frustration, snarling as the muscles in my right leg sear with agony, everything from the knee downward feeling as though the bones will snap from the pressure. "You said you wouldn't let that happen! You told me you didn't want that to happen! And I'm not about to let it-"

The ground gives way beneath my right leg...and it too slides into 'shadow'.

 **"I do not desire it! But I do not wish for you to be replaced either!"**

The words hit me like a slap to the face. I stare, wide-eyed, at Rei, stunned into silence by her words.

Despite the growing terror in Rei's eyes as Unit 00's entire head is swallowed by the darkness, her smile doesn't falter. **"I do not wish to die...but if that is my fate, then I'd not have you share it."**

"R-Rei..." I whisper desperately. "D-Don't...p-please don't!"

Unit 00's right arm...along with Unit 01's left hand, sinks out of sight.

 **"Because of you, I-"**

Her image on the monitor turns into a colorless block with huge, burning kanji that reads 'No Signal'.

"REI!"

The two words that have taken her place stare lifelessly back at me, searing their soulless message into my retinas...into my very soul.

'She...'

 _She's gone...AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!_

Feeling a numbness entirely separate from the odd sensation eating up the lower half of my body, I stare over Unit 01's shoulder at the sea of nothingness.

'Rei...I'm sorry. No matter what you say...'

I bite down on the cries and whimpers of fear wrestling to escape my throat.

No matter how terrified I am...I know what I have to do.

'No matter what...'

I don't struggle. I won't struggle. I may be a worthless coward...but just this once, I'll do the right thing.

'I won't leave you behind, Rei!'

Unit 01's right arm drags limply along the ground as I simply allow myself to be dragged down.

'I'm coming Rei. I'll save you...no matter wh-'

Two hands seize my right in an iron grip, and the arm stretches painfully taut...but my downward fall is halted in its tracks.

 **"Just hang on, Shinji! I'll get you out of there!"**

My heart nearly stops in shock at the sound of that voice.

"A-Asuka?!"


	66. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt7)

AN: Sorry for the delay folks, I just got through rewriting large chunks of this segment two days ago. Given its prominence, I wanted to make sure it was done right.

•1:28 PM

I couldn't even see what was happening to the southeast of the city until I got past the buildings that were taller than my Eva, and by then...

'Mein Gott!'

The blue arm of Unit 00 is rapidly disappearing into the...

'What...is THAT?!'

A circular pool of 'shadow', over half a kilometer in diameter, seems to have eaten a hole in reality itself. Spread across the hillsides, and over numerous city blocks...no structures remain within its circumference.

'Is THAT...the Angel?!'

 **"Asuka!"** Misato's face appears on the monitor, ashen and wide-eyed with horror. **"Shinji's caught in it** **too! Get over there, now! Hurry!"**

Taking my eyes off my path for a moment, I fix my gaze onto the purple figure at the edge of the 'shadow'.

'No...'

I don't even feel Unit 02 crashing through a building whose roof reaches my chest.

I also don't notice or care about the legion of concrete and glass structures that explode into debris as I proceed to smash my way through them with all the grace of a rhinoceros the size of a high rise.

The only thing I see is the purple Evangelion being rapidly dragged down into the blackness by its left arm and leg.

'No!'

Within seconds, Unit 00's arm disappears...and Unit 01's left hand along with it.

 **"REI!"**

Shinji's scream is bowel clenching, his voice cracking in a shriek of absolute despair and horror.

I feel an unexpected twisting in my stomach.

'Is it possible...'

Could she really be...?

I may have hated her, but this...

'...no one deserves that...to die that way...'

As I near the city's southern boundary, where the ground beneath my feet changes abruptly from pavement to grass...Unit 01's right leg slides into the 'shadow' as well.

And even as I begin to cut a left turn towards it, the purple Evangelion seems to slacken...no longer fighting the downward pull into the living abyss.

'Scheiße!'

Shinji...

'Don't just let it eat you alive, dammit! Get your ass in gear! Fight back! Do something!'

But Unit 01 simply allows itself to be swallowed up to the mid-abdomen, its free right arm dragging limply over the churned and gouged earth at the rim of the 'shadow'.

'He...he's really going to...'

I grit my teeth into a grimace of resolve.

'No...not if I have anything to say about it!'

Normally, at such a moment, I would be compelled to hurl myself forward at breakneck speed to close the remaining distance...but of course, I know better.

My sharp left turn provided the brunt of the necessary slowdown, and...despite some of my instincts screaming at me to run faster...I keep a cool head and remember that overshooting my stopping point will aid no one.

I slow myself to a fast walk as I close the remaining distance and bend down to seize Unit 01's right hand with Unit 02's left. Then, with my right hand, I get a grip on Unit 01's upper arm and begin to pull up.

"Just hang on, Shinji!" I call out over the radio, forgetting to care about the tone of my voice. "I'll get you out of there!"

On the monitor, his eyes are wide with shock.

 **"A-Asuka?!"** His voice is as disbelieving as his expression.

I allow myself a nod of acknowledgement, before devoting my attention wholly to the task at hand.

The purple titan suddenly stops sinking...

Come on...YOU CAN DO THIS!

And with a colossal effort on my part...Unit 01 begins to rise a few centimeters.

"Alright," I say, snarling with the sympathetic strain, as I clutch the control yokes in twin death grips, pulling them back with all of my might. "I've got a good hold on you...but I need you to give me your other hand!"

Noticing how powerful the opposing force is, I'm aware that it might not be possible for him to comply...but he at least has to tr-

 **"I-I can't!"** cries Shinji. **"Rei is down there! I-I have to s-save her!"**

In spite of everything...I can't help but feel a surge of bitterness.

Of course...he'd risk EVERYTHING for HER!

'That doesn't matter now,' I scold myself. 'Focus on what needs to be done!'

"Listen Shinji," I reply, trying to morph the anger into a calm professionalism, "I can't save EITHER of you, unless you free your other arm from the shadow! Try to pull it out at least!"

On the screen, I see Shinji visibly straining and pulling back on the left control yoke with all his strength. **"I...I-I'm trying!"**

"Try harder!" I don't mean to sound as impatient as I do...but I can't pretend this ISN'T a time sensitive life and death situation.

 **"I-I..."** Shinji slumps forward, panting heavily, **"I...can't!"**

"Dammit Third!" I growl at him, this time unable to hold back my frustration. "You want to save Wondergirl don't you?!"

 **"I can't raise the arm!"** he yells, visibly starting to panic. **"It's pulling down too hard!"**

 **"Shinji!"** Misato chimes in over the radio. **"Project your AT Field downward into the shadow! Rei was able to slow down her descent by using the Field to counter the Angel! You can use it to get your arm free!"**

 **"U-Uh, o-okay!"** Shinji stammers back.

The air around us ripples and I feel the transparent force wash over me as he obeys the order.

Unit 01 suddenly jolts upward a number of meters, at last freeing the left hand.

Shinji turns his head to look at it...and his eyes become wide as he utters a horrified gasp. **"No..."**

The left hand of Unit 01 is empty.

 **"REI!"** He starts to frantically scream her name over and over again, his voice shattering with grief.

 **"Shinji!"** Misato interjects, **"Shinji, calm down! Just calm down! It's okay, we'll get her out!"** She turns to me. **"Asuka, get him out of there and then retreat. I want both of you to fall back and regroup until we can figure out a new approach."**

I nod in acknowledgment. "Roger."

I turn my attention back to Unit 01...just in time for the sudden return of the downward pull to nearly make me lose my grip.

"What the-?" I cry out in surprise. I look over at Shinji. "Shinji! What's happening? Why are-"

I freeze as the realization hits me...Shinji's expression spells out what has happened as clear as if he had told me.

 **"Shinji! What are you doing?!"** screams Misato. **"Why did you retract your AT Field?! Is something wrong with the Eva?! Answer me!"**

'No...there isn't,' I think to myself, feeling numb all over. 'He's trying to-'

 **"Just...let me go..."** Shinji says in a ragged whisper. **"Please...let me go..."**

I knew the words were coming...but they still make my blood go ice cold.

"No. I won't."

Shinji's head is bowed low, the bangs of his hair hiding his eyes from view. **"Don't try to pull me out anymore. I'll just...let myself fall in. Then maybe I can find a way to help her-"**

"Shut up! I'm not gonna just stand here and let you be eaten alive dammit!"

He looks up in surprise...and visibly recoils from the hellish glare I'm directing at him.

'I...need to calm down.'

Seeing the fear in his gaze makes my reflexive frustration rapidly melt away.

But...the damage is already done. He stares back at me, every contour of his features wracked with pain.

 **"Why?!"** I can hear a current of fury unfurling beneath the despair and terror. **"I...I don't understand,** **Asuka! Why are you doing this to me?!"**

My eyes go wide in shock from the unexpected question.

"I..."

I find myself unsure of how to answer...and terrified of choosing the wrong reply.

'Be honest. This is life...and death.'

"I'm...trying to save your life, Shinji," I answer in perhaps the softest voice I've ever used with him. "I know you want to save Wondergirl, but...if I let you go, there's no telling what could happen to you in there. I...I meant what I said earlier."

I turn my eyes away, unable to force down the warmth I can feel seeping into my cheeks. "I don't want you to die."

Once again, Shinji looks stunned and lost for words. But when he does find them...

 **"Fuck you."**

...it with a voice seething with venom.

"Shinji, I-"

 **"SHUT UP!"** bellows Shinji, suddenly raising his head to look directly at me once more, eyes flaring with rage. **"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"**

Then, as he averts his gaze, his voice breaks down into a near sob. **"STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ACTUALLY CARE!"**

At these words, my reflexive frustration is instantly replaced with a mixture of horror and guilt.

'Mein Gott...'

 **"I know you don't care! I know that you're PRETENDING to be nice just like you did before!"** Despite his voice being choked with misery, his eyes become dangerously narrow. **"You just don't want me to save Rei; that's it isn't it? You just WANT her to die in there, DON'T YOU?!"**

Of course...I should have seen this coming. He has every reason to think that I'd only do this to hurt him somehow.

'I really am the lowest of the low...to have destroyed him so thoroughly that he feels this way now.'

 **"YOU BITCH!"** Shinji is now livid and positively screaming with rage. **"IS IT BECAUSE REI ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME?! IS THAT WHY YOU WANT HER TO DIE?! OR IS IT JUST ABOUT GETTING BACK AT ME FOR PROTECTING HER FROM YOU?!"**

 **"Shinji!"** Misato interrupts. **"That's enough! Asuka's just trying to help you, and I'm ORDERING you to LET her! Now extend your AT Field like you did before and let Asuka pull you out so that we can fi-"**

 **"I hate you!"**

For a moment...even Misato is plunged into dumbstruck silence, though not for long. **"Don't you DARE interrupt me or ignore my orders again, Shinji Ikari! Are you listening to me? Shinji?! Shinji!"**

But her words are drowned out by the unstoppable wrath of a boy whose cobalt eyes burn into mine with the utmost loathing and fury.

His seething voice begins to rise with every syllable from smolder...

 **"Do you hear me?"**

...to conflagration...

 **"I said that I hate you!"**

...to inferno.

 **"I HATE YOU, ASUKA!"**

 **"Stop it Shinji! I'm warning you!"** Misato is yelling furiously in the background, heard but...not really acknowledged by either of us. **"Asuka, get him out of there! Just ignore what he's saying and pull him out now!"**

 **"I HATE YOU!"**

Once more, Shinji is bellowing the words at the top of his lungs, not caring about the chorus of other voices from Central Dogma that have joined Misato in her futile attempt to scold and placate him into submission.

 **"I HATE YOU!"**

His crazed, shrieking repetition of those words carries far over the cacophony of other voices attempting to shout him down.

 **"I HATE YOU, ASUKA! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"**

...

The only thing that brings his stream of furious declarations to an end is the lack of breath necessary to continue.

 **"Shinji..."** Misato now sounds less enraged and more like she's getting close to tears. **"Please stop!"**

Shinji is breathing heavily, chest heaving deeply with the effort of restoring the air to his lungs. But his eyes...those terrible eyes...never leave mine for an instant, still burning with just as much wrath as before, if not more.

Each word...each syllable...they were like blows from a sledgehammer. My whole body aches with them...the invisible bruises left by the repeated confirmation of that which I've been dreading since that night...

'I guess...now I know the truth...'

It's so strange...

'I thought hearing those words would change everything...'

...that maybe that beautiful thorn in my side would be plucked out and cast aside forever...

In spite of the pain, I feel a wry smile curl my lip.

'I've been such a fool to think that I'd ever be allowed to just walk away that easily.'

"You really mean it, don't you Shinji?"

For a moment, the livid glare on Shinji's face morphs back into stunned surprise.

And why not? Even I'M a little taken aback...

'How can I be so calm? After what he said to me?'

Despite it all, though...

"I understand," I continue softly. "And it's okay. After...everything that's happened...you more than have the right to hate me."

 **"There! You see?!"** he cries in a grim sort of triumph. **"So just let me fall already! I knew you didn't rea-"**

He abruptly stops mid-sentence, almost as if he had expected me to say something completely different...and just realized what had actually been said.

 **"W-What..."** he stammers. **"W-What...d-did you say?"**

For a moment, it's as if all of the anger and hostility were a porcelain mask that my honest words had shattered to pieces...and beneath it is the sensitive and unsure boy I've always known.

'There's definitely real anger there, but...'

...was he just trying to goad me into dropping him?

'But I can't let that happen...and I won't!'

"I said it's okay, Shinji." I allow myself a small smile. "You have the right to hate me. But..." my smile fades, and my tone becomes stern, "What you DON'T have the right to do is to just throw your life away like it's nothing!"

 **"I-I don't care!"** Shinji yells back at me, the anger and defiance slowly returning. **"It's all my fault** **that...Rei..."** He clutches his head in his hands, looking as if he'd like nothing better than to crush it to bloody pulp. **"I don't care if I-"**

"Well I DO!"

Cobalt irises stare at me from between the blue-clad fingers of Shinji's plugsuit. **"But I...I thought..."**

"You thought wrong."

'But...of course, the way I've been acting...of course he wouldn't know. Isn't that what I was trying so hard to prevent that whole time?'

 **"A-Asuka? What...are you saying?"**

'It's time. NOW is the time.'

"I'm saying that..." And...far more easily than I'd ever imagined...the words emerge. "...I'm sorry, Shinji."

His response is silence...but there is a subtle widening of his eyes and mouth that make it clear he's heard me.

I fix my eyes on his, refusing even to blink, with what I hope is an earnestly contrite expression. "For everything I've said...everything I've done to hurt you...I'm sorry."

Shinji's eyes are now as wide as human eyes possibly can be. He seems utterly lost for words.

"Look, I..." I begin to say, feeling surprised at how much weight seems to have lifted itself off my shoulders. "I've...said a lot of things that I shouldn't have...things that I didn't really mean. And...I-"

There's so much I want to say...but I can feel the downward pull starting to make my legs give out beneath me.

"Shinji," I say, fixing him with an intense look, "There's no more time! Spread your AT Field, and give me your other arm."

 **"Do as she says, Shinji!"** Misato adds curtly. **"Right now!"**

 **"But...Rei..."** Shinji argues weakly. **"I have to save R-"**

"Dammit, we'll figure something out!" I interrupt harshly, feeling as if I've been kicked in the stomach.

Didn't he hear everything I just said?!

'He did. But that doesn't mean he won't want to save Rei.'

But...I meant EVERY WORD I said! I really did...

'Even if he's able to believe it...which he might not be until he's has time to think about it...perhaps it's just not enough to overcome his need to save her.'

I still can't just let him fall!

'Then...maybe a change in tactics is necessary. As long as he survives, I can still make things right afterwards...even if I have to be firm with him now.'

"I can't-" I grit my teeth in a growl of agony as Unit 02's legs, already wobbling violently with the strain, begin to bend more and more at the knee, causing more of Unit 01 to disappear into the blackness. "There's no time to argue! If you don't help me RIGHT NOW, then you're going to get ME dragged in with you!"

 **"B...But I-"** he stammers, now looking unsure of his decision for the first time.

'Now I've got him! He might mean it when he says he hates me...but something tells me he wouldn't want me to get pulled down there with him. Not when he's already got Wondergirl weighing on his conscience.'

"Fine then!" I yell angrily, "Don't help me! We'll do it your way!"

 **"M-My way?"** Then, horror dawns in tandem with his comprehension of what I've just said. **"Y-You don't mean..."**

"I do," I reply coldly, playing my trump card. "If you're not gonna help me save you...then I guess you leave me no choice but to follow your stubborn ass into the living void monster!"

 **"But...Asuka I..."** I can practically feel Shinji's resolve wilting in my fingers. **"It's MY fault that Rei-...I-I d-don't want you to-"**

"Well that's just too damn bad," I bite back, knowing that I've got him right where I want him; now, for the finisher. "I told you I wouldn't just stand by and let you be eaten by this damn thing. So, to keep my word, I guess I'll just have get eaten too."

Shinji stares back at me for a moment...the weight of the painful choice I've given him evident in his tortured expression. Then...

 **"Okay."** And his AT Field unfurls once more.

An enormous weight seems to lift itself off of me. I hadn't even realized just how worried I was that he'd call my bluff and let me be dragged in with him for real.

"Good boy," I say, subverting the condescending expression with a small, tired smile. "Now give me your other hand so I can pull you out of there." And I reach out for Unit 01's left hand with Unit 02's right, temporarily leaving the other hand to hold up the purple Evangelion by itself.

I'm so busy watching Shinji raise Unit 01's left hand...that it's only at the last second that I notice something wrong with the boy's expression. But when I see it...

I notice that his face hasn't changed at all...the same expression...that of one who is about to make the most painful choice in their entire life...is still there.

Then, I hear a familiar clicking sound from the direction of Unit 01's left shoulder pylon. I don't need to watch where his left hand is going, or even to hear the frantic confirmation from HQ over the radio, to know exactly what he's doing.

But even so...the question is on my tongue. "W-What are you doing?!"

Shinji averts his eyes. **"I'm sorry."**

Then his raised arm drops, and my left forearm explodes with agony.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!"

I shriek with pain as I feel the sensation of a large, vibrating knife sinking deep into the flesh of my arm and piercing through the bone as if it weren't there, until the tip protrudes from the other side.

Unit 02's left hand relaxes involuntarily...and releases Unit 01 from it's grip. Then, with its newly freed right hand, Unit 01 roughly pushes my Evangelion backwards, away from the edge of the void.

Stumbling backwards and struggling not to fall over on my back, I clutch at Unit 02's bleeding, and now useless left arm.

For a moment, I stare down in horrified disbelief at the rivulets of indigo ichor spilling out across the surface of the crimson armor. Then I turn my head back to the visual monitor.

"Shinji?" I say in a hollow voice. "Why?"

 **"I-I'm sorry Asuka,"** he whispers back, looking as though he himself is deeply shaken by his own actions. **"I...I h-had to."**

Unit 01 retracts it's AT Field once more, and begins to descend rapidly. **"I-I d-didn't have a ch-choice!"** Despite his words, however, I can see a flicker of doubt in his gaze.

Within seconds, only the head and shoulders are still above the surface. "What happened to Rei..." he bows his head, **"I HAVE to save her! I HAVE to make it right!"**

Even as the head of the Evangelion begins to disappear, Shinji looks back up at me, though his eyes become strangely unfocused the moment the pale eye lenses of Unit 01 sink out of sight, **"But...I couldn't let you get-"**

The green tip of the horn and shoulder pylons disappear into the pool of 'shadow', and Shinji's face on the screen vanishes, replaced with glowing orange words; 'No Signal'.

'...'

I stare down at it, this expanse of...pitch black...nothingness. The surface doesn't even ripple. It's as if...nothing happened. As if Shinji wasn't just eaten alive in front of-

'He's gone...'

My breaths become rapid and shallow as my insides begin to feel like they too have been absorbed into a yawning void...and I can feel my eyes bulging as they stare at the same spot where he vanished.

'He's gone...'

 _The bastard brought this on himself! He WANTED this! Let him rot for it! The ungrateful little-_

'Shut up.'

I don't care. I don't care that he did this to himself willingly. I don't care that he turned away my help. I don't even care that he stabbed my Eva in the arm; it doesn't even hurt anymore, not compared to...

 **"Asuka..."** Misato's voice is hollow and brittle. **"Fall back and return to base."**

I barely hear her...as I take the first step towards the pool of nothingness.

 **"Asuka! Asuka, don't you DARE!"**

I stand at the edge of it, peering down...wondering what it will feel like.

'Is this how it felt for him...when me and Misato tried to stop him from going after her?'

I think I understand now...

 **"Asuka! Step away from the Angel NOW! You are NOT going in after them! I mean it, stand down NOW!"**

I raise my left foot, ready to take the first step...

 **"ASUKA LANGLEY SOHRYU!"**

The sheer rage I can hear in Misato's voice is enough to finally draw my attention, and turn to face her on the visual monitor.

Even through the holographic image...I can tell that she is beside herself, positively quivering with fury.

 **"So help me Asuka..."** she says in a quiet, dangerous voice, her face lowered at an angle that hides her eyes from view, **"If you force me to have your plug ejected remotely...I'll see to it that you NEVER see the inside of an Entry Plug again! Do you understand me?!"**

She raises her head to look me dead in the eye. **"I will have your ass decommissioned and shipped back to Germany faster than you can fucking blink unless you do as I say right now!"**

I retract Unit 02's foot...placing it back on solid ground...and take a step backward.

I can't...

'Not Unit 02...I...I'd rather die than lose it...or lose my status as a Pilot. In spite of everything...I can't lose that.'

But it wasn't just her threat that got through to me...

 **"Good."** The shimmering dampness that had been welling up in Misato's bloodshot eyes now begins to spill down her cheeks. **"Return to base, Asuka."**


	67. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt8)

AN: Alright folks, I hate to say it...but I must. We've reached the dreaded stopping point. :/

While I do actually have one more complete segment (albeit one I'd like to add to a bit more), and another well underway...I feel that the last line of this one makes it the perfect stopping point.

This hiatus shouldn't be as long as the one I had before on SV, since I plan to start reposting as soon as Chapter 8 is finished.

Thank you to everyone who's stuck with me this long. I hope to still see you when I return :)

•1:47 PM

'He isn't dead...'

I feel as though I'm human skin stretched over solid emptiness.

'They're both still alive in there...'

My heart hasn't stopped pounding like a thrash metal bass drum...but it no longer feels like a vital sign that I still live and breathe; it's more like the footsteps of doom trampling me beneath their weight.

'They HAVE to be alive! Surely...the Angel would move on and continue its attack if it had already killed them both.'

I speak these words to myself not because I know them to be true...but because I cannot bear for them not to be...and because I must not surrender to the despair that threatens to pull me into its fathomless depths...

 _Just like what your incompetence has allowed to happen to Shinji._

I flinch reflexively, tightening the arms wrapping around my own body, trying to make myself as small as possible while continuing to walk forward.

'Keep it together Misato...beating yourself up isn't going to fix this.'

And...considering who I'm on my way to speak to...

'...keeping a brave face is going to be all the more important.'

 _She'll see through it...she always does..._

I glare down at the ground beneath my feet.

'I'll just have to try, won't I?'

Along the way, various technicians provide updates, including...

"Leliel?"

"Yes Major Katsuragi," the rather surly young man replies, handing me the Angel's automatically generated Magi profile. "As usual, the Magi seem rather partial towards the monikers of Judaic angels for code names."

Most of the time, I find the Magi's designations for the Angel's to be interesting...or at least mildly amusing. But today...

'...I couldn't care less what ANYONE calls that fucking THING out there!'

I turn my head to glare back at the nearly seven-hundred meter wide, circular void that ate everything on the low hillsides to the southeast, at least a dozen city blocks, and...

I look back at the sheet in my hand...if only to push it all back down again...the grief that threatens to overpower...

"The Angel of Night," I mutter to myself, walking away from the technician.

'Vaguely fitting,' I think to myself bitterly.

Then I read a little further...

"The Jaws of God..."

That's what the name, 'Leliel', means...

Suddenly, I feel ill...and violently angry; and in my rage, I jerkily tear the sheet into misshapen, haphazard pieces in my fists...and let the fragments rain to the ground at my feet. I had hoped they might blow away, maybe even be carried by the breeze right into that monster's open mouth...but there's no wind...so instead, I simply grind one of the larger fragments into the pavement with my foot.

 _I guess you have to find SOME way to cope with how fucking impotent you are right now._

'Shut up!'

It's not over yet...and it won't be until I get him back!

'I'll get them both back! Even...even if...'

 _...it's just to bury their corpses?_

The warm air seems to turn ice cold around me as every muscle clenches in horror at the thought of...

'I can't...'

I try to push it out of my mind; the image of dark blue eyes, wide and sightless, above a half-opened mouth...

 _He's going to die in there...they both are...and there's nothing you can do to stop it! NOTHING!_

I see myself kneeling before a slab of grey stone, surrounded on every side by thousands just like it. But I have eyes only for the one in front of me; the one inscribed:

 ** _Ikari Shinji_**

 ** _06/06/2001-10/18/2015_**

'It's not real...this hasn't happened yet!'

I manage to steady myself, a mere split second before my quaking legs would have sent me collapsing to my knees.

'It's not over yet...'

It seems to take all my effort just to pry my eyes open...despite the horrors I've witnessed behind the closed lids.

'It wasn't real...'

I turn my eyes towards the crimson giant...

'But this is...and so is she.'

...and continue my walk towards it.

'This probably isn't going to be pleasant, but...'

I have to do this; she probably needs someone to talk to more than ever right now.

'I wish Kaji were here...'

He'd know exactly what to say...and how to say it.

 _And not only to her...but to you as well. But you? You'll just make everything worse somehow. You're noting more than a stupid child yourself, in need of comforting words and false promises...and alcohol...just to keep FUNCTIONING! You'll fail her...just like you failed the others!_

'But...'

I take one look at the red clad figure curled into a ball at the feet of Unit 02...and feel my resolve harden.

'...I know that I still have to try.'

And as for the Angel...and rescuing Shinji and Rei from its unfathomable depths...

'I guess we'll just have to find some way to unclench the jaws of God.'


	68. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt9)

Eh, ya know what? Screw it! Have another update in the midst

PLEASE NOTE! This will be the ONLY update for awhile (well...probably anyway lol)!

I decide to move the original 8.9 to being 8.11, while 8.10 is being moved up to 8.9.

Anyhow...here's Asuka. She is...erm...not taking things very well.

•2:01 PM

How long has it been now? A half hour...

'...or half a lifetime?'

I don't seem to have a sense of time anymore.

 _I told you..._

Why is the sun still shining down on me? Is it really still daylight?

 _I told you this would happen!_

Doesn't the fucking sun know that the world is about to end? After all...what ever will we do without the 'Great Invincible Shinji'?!

'Even now, am I still so bitter that I can refer to him by that name?'

 _After what he did...I think you've earned the RIGHT to be a little bitter!_

'After what HE did? It's because of YOU that he DID this!'

Because of me...because I couldn't convince him to let me save him...because I made myself so wicked in his eyes, that to him it seemed like I'd only save him to let Rei be killed.

For all I know, he could be dead right now...and a part of me hopes that he is. If his death is unavoidable, then I at least hope it was immediate and painless.

'And yet...of course I still want him to be alive. Only I would be so selfish to wish for such a thing.'

...

Hours later...under the ensanguined and flaming sky of dusk, I am summoned by an exultant Misato.

"We've found it! We found Unit 01!"

After climbing back into Unit 02, I watch with baited breath as the cable they've lowered into the Angel stretches taut and begins to slowly rise with a slight creaking groan of strain.

Then the purple titan emerges...

Head, shoulders, ches-

From the radio connection with HQ, I hear collective gasps of horror.

"Oh gods...no..." says Misato in a trembling whisper.

From the chest downward, the purple armor has melted away to reveal oozing red horror.

Everything below the narrow waist is completely gone, and once the remains of Unit 01 have completely surfaced, the last bits of ragged flesh holding the abdominal cavity intact give way. In a shower of scarlet, the entrails burst forth; a tangled, gelatinous mass, filling the air with their stench of blood and excrement.

It's all I can do not to retch...

"My god...he's still alive in there!" One of the technicians...it could be the four-eyes or that long-haired guy...the words they speak are of far greater importance than the identity of the speaker themselves. "He's...still alive. But...he..."

...and my restraint fails, filling the LCL around with the remnants of my last meal. Whether the failure to hold back the vomit was from the shock that Shinji could be alive...or the thought that he had lived to endure the unimaginable sympathetic agony as his Evangelion was slowly dissolved and digested around him...I don't know.

Within minutes, I exit my Entry Plug without waiting for Misato's orders to do so, and run over to where the crane has laid the sloughing remains of Unit 01.

Ignoring the nearly asphyxiating odor of blood and exposed offal matter, I charge through the pools of gore filling the ground around the fallen Eva, only slowing down to ensure that I do not slip or fall.

Misato is just ahead of me, clambering into one of the large cavities eaten into the now warped and corroded metal tube buried deep within the exposed flesh of Unit 01's chest cavity.

'The Entry Plug...it's been exposed!' I feel my heart sinking at the sight. 'That...that means...'

From within the tube, I hear Misato's horrified, shuddering gasp. Dread fills every crevice of my mind and soul at that sound...dread that turns to paralyzing horror at what my eyes see when I myself have climbed into the remains of the Entry Plug.

Just like the Eva, his body from the waist down is either gone...or partially dissolved into a curdle of blood and the faintly glistening remains of ruined viscera.

But sure enough, just as the one technician said...he's still alive. I can hear his panting, tortured breaths.

Misato is bent low over his face, gently stroking his hair. "Shh. Don't talk Shin-chan. Save your strength. You're going to be okay."

"R-Rei..." he whimpers feebly. "Wh...where...? D-...did I...?"

"She's fine," Misato answers softly. "We got her out awhile ago."

It's a lie...of course. Anyone can see that there's no need for him to know the truth now.

Then, his eyes flick over in my direction and widen slightly in...fear? Surprise? Or just recognition?

He tries to open his mouth, trying to form words between shallow breaths.

"A...Asuk-"

He falls silent, as what's left of his body goes completely limp. His eyes and mouth are still open.

Misato doesn't scream or collapse...she merely begins to weep softly.

'I feel like I should join her...why wouldn't I want to?'

But the tears won't come. All I feel is...empty...dead, just like the boy lying less than a foot away, still strapped to his seat.

"...Asuka?"

I look up with a start, almost surprised to see that it isn't evening...but, in fact, still the middle of the afternoon.

'It didn't really happen then?'

At least...not y-

"Asuka?"

Someone is sitting down beside me. This time, I know whose voice is speaking...and who is there next to me.

"Go away."

Misato doesn't leave...not that I really expected her to. "How are you holding up?"

'Gee Misato, I'm sitting here, basically in a fetal position, at the foot of my Evangelion where any of these worthless nobodies swarming about could potentially catch a glimpse of 'The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu' at her most pitiful. How the fuck do you think I'm holding up?!'

"I'm fine," I snap back without turning to face her, "Now piss off!"

I hear her sigh sadly, and for a moment, I wonder if she really is about to leave. But then, her hand lightly touches my shoulder...and to my own surprise, I let it rest there without resistance or complaint.

Misato is silent for a long time before she speaks again. "What happened to Shinji wasn't your fault, Asuka. You did everything you could."

 _A subtle way of telling you that your 'best' wasn't good enough._

"I already knew that!" I reply angrily...despite the words sounding hollow even to myself. "I didn't need you to tell me!"

'And it doesn't change the fact that he's going to die because I failed...'

"Of course. You're right." Her hand is still on my shoulder...and I still make no move to shrug it off.

'I'm not really sure what to do or say right now...but I don't want her to leave now. I don't want to sit here alone anymore.'

"So," I ask, trying to keep my voice neutral, "Do you think there's any chance Baka-Shinji and Wondergirl are still alive in there?"

The same dread hanging over my head seems to cloud Misato's gaze for a moment, before she composes herself and answers, "I think there's a good chance. The Angel hasn't moved or even changed at all since..." she hesitates, clearly unable to get the words out, "...since it...happened."

She turns away, gazing up at the motionless black and white sphere. I can practically feel the burning hatred radiating from her expression.

"We'll get them back!" She says the words forcefully, almost angrily...as if speaking more to the Angel than to me. "We'll get them both out of there." She turns back to me with a smile. "We'll find a way."

 _Very touching. And is she really so certain of all of that? She doesn't sound very sure, does she?_

I almost pose those questions to her out loud, word for word...both to feel convinced that she's serious in her conviction...and to dam the rising tide of hope that threatens to bury my realistic expectations with the weight of its empty promises.

But I can see just how brittle Misato's smile is...and it doesn't take me long to understand...

'I'm not the only one she's trying to console...I'm not the only one she's trying to convince that everything is going to be okay. Mein Gott, she's barely holding it together herself.'

 _So she's comforting you in a selfish attempt to comfort HERSELF? Pathetic!_

'Partially perhaps...but it's not like she doesn't care at all. She could have let me go after them. But...well, we saw it, didn't we?'

That look on her face, more than the threat of being dismissed from the Eva Program, was what held me back from potentially throwing my life to the wind.

But then...

'...am I really glad that she held me back?'

Or, much more importantly...

'...can I live with MYSELF for having chosen to obey Misato's order to withdraw...even if it was under the threat of being decommissioned? How can I justify having chosen my own selfish need to keep being Unit 02's pilot over the chance to save a life...his life?'

I turn my face away from Misato, not wanting her to see the turmoil that I'm too weary to suppress any longer.

'After everything I've done to him...I should have done everything possible to save him, even if it meant my life...even if it meant Unit 02...'

And yet I still found it in me to trade his life for my status as a pilot. Even when it...

'...when it-'

My eyes begin to expand in horror at the thought beginning to take shape behind them.

'...when it could have been because of ME...because of what I've done and said...that Shinji was suddenly so willing to just throw his life away.'

 _You're NOTHING to him! Not after threatening his 'oh so precious' Wondergirl!_

The words from only two days prior, the ones that that tore the mask from my heart, leaving me a raw and pitiful mess before Hikari's eyes...reverberate through my thoughts, striking my naked soul with the same blunt, merciless strength of that Friday afternoon.

 _'I can't believe I ever thought you were worth it...'_

 _He just couldn't stand to let his little dollie get eaten. And how pathetic are you now...for so desperately wanting to believe he'd want to commit suicide over you?!_

'He nearly did once already...'

 _You really bought that horseshit?! Oh, I'm sure the little bastard put on quite the display for Kaji and thanked him ever so kindly for having 'talked him out of it'! And of course, when it comes to precious little 'Shin-chan', Misato can't be bothered to even consider that she's letting her boy toy/live-in maid wrap her around his little finger._

'Even now...after everything...you're sick, that's what you are! Sick and cruel!'

 _Sick?! Because I can see through that little shitstain and his pitymongering martyr act? You're the one that's sick for WANTING him to have thrown his life away, worthless though it may be, all because he's pining for YOU!_

'Because you saw it! We both did...'

How the light was extinguished from his eyes in those moments before he turned and ran. How for a moment, Shinji was still breathing...but not really alive.

'We...killed him.'

Thanks to Kaji, and whatever he said to talk Shinji down, he came back alive...

'But, because of us...because of ME...'

I can't complete the thought...

'And even now...I'm ready to let him die just so I can still be an Eva Pilot.'

I rise to my feet, needing to do something, anything, other than curl into a ball like a sniveling child again.

'Why would Misato force me to make a choice like that?!'

Almost automatically, I cast a sidelong glare at the woman behind me.

'Damn you, Misato! YOU made me do this! Even if it's because you really DO ca-'

To my surprise, Misato is now on her feet as well, and looking directly at me with a sad, knowing smile. "If you're angry with me Asuka, its ok. You can let it out if you need to."

Cursing my transparency, I turn my back to her.

"Why should I be angry?" I ask in a voice of forced calm. "Third was being reckless and out of line. What happened was his own fault."

'You're not wrong...but it doesn't change how you feel about it.'

I take a deep breath before continuing, "I mean, sure..." I begin to pace, determinedly avoiding Misato's eyes, "...for a moment, I got a little carried away myself. After all, idiot or not, I don't want to see Third get himself killed. But...well..."

I can feel my fists tightening...and my next words emerge slightly marred by the tightening of my jaw. "You were right not to let me follow him. After all...we know nothing about this thing. If I hadn't listened to you, I could be dead n-"

The images that had assailed my thoughts before Misato came to sit with me begin to flash before my eyes once more.

...

Unit 01, a half dissolved wreck of its once proud self...

Shinji, the remains of his lower body a slurry of blood and melting entrails, gasping his dying breaths just long enough to be comforted on his path to oblivion by an outright lie...

...

It's all I can do not to collapse as I clutch my head in my hands and squeeze with all my might...as if doing so will somehow keep the mad despair raging within my mind from taking shape with my flesh.

'If I am to hope that he's still alive...'

...then I must be forced to believe that I too would have survived being swallowed. Using the excuse that I could have died if I'd followed is the same as conceding that Shinji is likely dead himself.

'Misato...she was wrong to have stopped me!'

"Asuka?" Once more I feel Misato's hand on my shoulder. But this time...

"Don't touch me!" I jerk my left shoulder blade out from under her hand, though not quickly enough to miss the way her hand recoils as if my reaction had burned it. "I'm a soldier dammit, not some sniveling little whelp who needs someone to hold her hand every time something goes wrong!"

'..."Not like that idiot, Shinji!"...? Aren't you forgetting to add that in?'

Strange...I hadn't even thought of Shinji in that moment I snapped at Misato. Normally, he's the first person I'd think of when imagining an overly coddled crybaby unfit for the horrors of warfare...

Isn't that what he'd be doing now if our positions were reversed...assuming at least that the events of four days ago had never happened?

'...I think you know better than to think that now...or have you forgotten...'

My memories twist back in time for a moment...back to late September...back to a place of blistering heat and deadly pressure, and the horrid spectre of agonizing oblivion.

For the first time in my life, I knew what it was to dangle over an abyss by nothing more than a thread. Then came the mixture of shock and finality as that thread gave way...only to be followed by the disbelieving relief of having been snatched from the jaws of death at the last second.

My Eva stopped falling with a colossal jolt...and I looked up to see Evangelion Unit 01 clutching the severed ends of the coolant pipes above and below it in its fists.

I hadn't believed what my eyes were seeing at first...but sure enough, Unit 02 began to rise instead of fall through the surrounding magma.

It only occurred to me once we both emerged from Mount Asama...but I then realized, that if it had been that unbearably hot for me inside the volcano, even while wearing protective gear...then for Shinji...

I found myself rushing a little faster than usual to meet him as he exited Unit 01, and felt my heart sink when I noticed that some of the purple armor was visibly warped from the heat.

But, to my surprisingly intense relief, the Third Child emerged visibly unharmed...though I did notice that his face was very red and he seemed to be panting heavily as he stumbled and nearly fell out of the steaming entry plug.

'Everything changed after that...no matter how hard I tried to pretend otherwise on the surface...'

"What's done is done, Misato," I find myself saying robotically, with my back still turned to her...trying to ignore how my insides seem to shrivel with every syllable I speak.

And as my thoughts return to the present, it comes crashing down...the point and the purpose behind the reminiscence...

'He did that in DEFIANCE of Misato's orders! What's more...if he'd made even a single wrong move, he'd have had even LESS chance of surviving than he does today. And now, today...when faced with the same situation and a chance to prove yourself capable of the same self-sacrifice...YOU FAILED!'

All because Misato had to threaten to take away the one thing that matters more to me than my very life...

'...'

What was I supposed to do?

"If he's dead..." my voice suddenly begins to tighten.

 _Don't you dare...DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!_

"...if he's dead then...then..."

It's as if the words are tendrils wrapping themselves around me; lovingly at first...then pressing painfully against my throat and midriff.

"...then...there's...nothing-", the last syllable lurches and tumbles from my lips in a cracked and pitiful whisper...and it is only my refusal to continue speaking that salvages the crumbling remnants of my dignity.

Without waiting to compose myself, I turn to see if Misato has at last decided to leave me in peace...and feel my heart simultaneously sink and rise to my throat in equal measure as I gaze at her sad smile and mercilessly understanding gaze...

"Asuka," she says softly, walking over to me and placing her hands on both my shoulders, "It's okay."

...and the levee breaks.

I raise my shaking arms to grab fistfuls of her clothing in both hands.

"Why?" I choke out, my voice thick with mounting fury. "Why did you make me turn back, damn you?!"

"That should be obvious, Asuka," Misato answers with her infuriating calm, seeming strangely satisfied with my response, "Two of my three pilots might be lost now. The last thing I'd want would be to lose you too."

'So NOW she's willing to concede that they...that HE...could be...'

"So you lied to me!" The words emerge in a mangled growl. "You said you thought they were still alive! If you really believed that...you wouldn't stop me from going after him!"

"Yes," Misato replies, still unshaken, "I would. Even if I KNEW they were both still alive...I'd NEVER send you in there after them, unless I knew for certain that it was the only way to get them back."

"You're a fucking liar!" I scream at her, before roughly shoving her backwards and turning away to hide the cause of my blurring vision. "You and I both know damn well that idiot means the world to you!"

Folding my arms and bowing my head, I take a deep breath and try to reign in my spiraling emotions. "I know you...you'd do ANYTHING you could to save his life! He IS your favorite after all!"

I hear a sharp intake of breath from behind me, and I smirk in satisfaction.

'Not so unflappable after all, eh Misato?'

"Don't deny it," I go on ruthlessly. "You'd sacrifice anything...or ANYONE to save him!"

I hear her footsteps approaching me again, but I choose to stay put an continue my assault. "So why don't you put your money where your mouth is? If you really think he's alive...then send me back out there. Order me to find him and Wondergirl!"

"Out of the question. The answer is no, Asuka."

Despite the sternness of her words, Misato's tone of voice is soft. If anything though, her lack of anger makes me even more furious.

"Why not?!"

"It's too dangerous."

Damn her...

'Damn you, Misato! Why can't you understand? I need...'

...I...need...

"I don't understand you!" I turn to face her again, "You try to convince me and yourself that they're both still alive...but you won't let me do this one thing because you're so convinced I'll get myself killed! Make up your fucking mind already!"

I slam my left hand into my chest, glaring death into Misato's eyes. "Or are you just that sure that I'll fail? Am I that incompetent to you?!"

"You're not incompetent, Asuka," Misato says in a placating yet firm voice. "But you can be very reckless at times, and that's exactly what you're being right now. You're asking my to risk your life against unknowable odds."

"As if we don't already do that EVERY TIME we face a new Angel," I scoff bitterly.

"This is different. You know that," Misato retorts patiently. "Now that we've already tried to attack it head on, we KNOW what'll happen if we throw another Evangelion at it. And what's more..."

She turns her back on me to gaze off towards the Angel. I can't see her face...but her shuddering sigh and the slight hitch in her voice when she speaks again make her emotions clear. "...if they haven't found their way out by now...then...then we have to...we have to consider the possibility that...that they...CAN'T break out from the inside. And that puts you at an unacceptable risk of being permanently lost."

She starts to pace fretfully as she continues, "That's not to say that you would DEFINITELY be..." she tries, valiantly, to maintain her professional calm...but I can practically hear the seams beginning to give way. "...but...the risk is..." she buries her face in her hands for a moment, "...it's too high to be justifiable."

"Risk?! That never stopped you against Sandalphon, did it?! Why concern yourself with it now of all times?!"

Outwardly, I sound more incensed than ever...but internally, I feel a growing sense of savage triumph.

'I have just the leverage I need to dismantle her argument.'

"You probably already know what's going to end up happening in the end, don't you Misato?"

Misato hangs her head, staring at the ground with her fists clenching, the knuckles steadily turning paler with every passing second. And like a predator trying to flank its upcoming meal, I begin to pace in a tightening circle around my prey.

"In the end, Commander Ikari will take control of this operation and most likely order me to go into the void monster and rescue his obedient little dollie...and Third if possible. Either that...or they'll find some way to destroy the fucking thing, and if that works...there's a better than likely chance that they'll BOTH be killed themselves...or worse...still alive, and permanently trapped beyond our reach!"

I stop in front of her, glaring into her downcast eyes. "Is THAT what you want Misato?! Because I don't think it is! So why not chose Plan A ahead of time while you can still call the shots, and while there's a good chance they're both still alive?!"

"I've made enough mistakes and rash decisions today, Asuka," Misato whispers without looking up. "I'm not sending you on a possible suicide mission."

"And like I said before," I fire back mercilessly, "You had NO problem sending me to my probable death against Sandalphon!"

Misato flinches and seems to shrink slightly at that accusation, wrapping her arms around herself.

In my anger and frustration, I can't help but feel a grim satisfaction in knowing I've stung her in such a way...despite the fact that I'm not even really that bothered by her actions anymore than I was that day when I enthusiastically took the mission and saw it through despite the complications that almost ended up claiming my life.

'But...is that really true? Do I really not care that Misato nearly sacrificed my life in such a reckless-'

I rather violently push that question out of my mind. Thinking such things will not help me with my current purpose.

"That...was a mistake," Misato replies after a brief silence, "One that I will never forgive myself for." And, with noticeable difficulty, she looks me in the eye once more. "I don't EVER want to knowingly put you in that much danger ever again."

...

'So...is THAT why...?'

For a moment, I feel...touched?

'Her expression now...it's the same as when she forced me to withdraw fr-'

And just like that, the little embers of warmth are swallowed by the reemergence of my anger.

'How dare she!'

How dare she decide to start second guessing herself now of all times?! Why now?! Why-

'...not before?' The question is small and wispy, but I hear the unbidden words loud and clear...and I loathe myself for thinking them at all.

'I don't care about that now! I don't! I've always known the risks. I accepted them a long time ago. And now...'

"You don't understand Misato," I begin to say, feeling another unwelcome sensation returning in tandem with my undulating frustration.

'...now that I actually have a noble reason to care so little about what might happen...'

No more hiding behind goading and needling.

'What's the use is putting up any kind of front anymore anyway? I should've done this from the beginning.'

"What don't I understand, Asuka?" Misato replies softly. "

I tighten my fists and glare at her, no longer bothering to hold back the wetness spilling down my cheeks. "You don't understand how this feels!"

But she does...she probably cares for him more than anyone else.

"Of course I do, Asuka. I-"

"No!" I interject, the word twisted by my constricting chest. "You don't!"

'It's different for her! She never did anything to hurt him like I did! If he...'

...if he doesn't come back...

'...she's not the one who'll have to live with it; the knowledge that...'

"What happened to Shinji...it's...it's..." my voice started to break apart, even as I look away to hide what a mess my face is becoming.

"Asuka..."

I shake my head without looking up. "It's all...m-my fault!" And with those last two words, the last of my restraints break...and I do the unforgivable.

'It was bad enough for Kaji and Hikari to have seen me collapse...but I was so determined never to let Misato see it happen.'

Misato...my commanding officer for the operation I've waited and trained for my whole life.

Misato...the brave and resourceful tactician of humanity's continued survival.

Misato...one of the few people who knows about my past.

'I had to show her that I could be strong...just like her.'

After all, judging by that scar on her chest...and her pointed desire not to speak of her past...something awful must have happened during or after the Second Impact. And for anyone who lived through that cataclysm and the hell that followed...even a past like mine must seem mundane by comparison.

'Showing ANY weakness to someone like her was out of the question. But now...'

I once again seize fistfuls of Misato's clothing when she walks over to me...but this time, the gesture is one of supplication rather than hostility.

"He w-wouldn't be throwing his life away like this if I hadn't...if I h-hadn't..." for a moment, I'm too overwhelmed to speak.

"Asuka..." Misato begins softly.

But I find my voice again before she can go on. "I can't stand this Misato! I can't stand this waiting, this...helplessness!"

"Believe me, I don't like this anymore than you do," she replies, stroking my hair gently. "I hate this. I hate this more than words can say. But...there's nothing we can do...not until Rit-"

"Yes, there is!" I interrupt.

I know perfectly well she was about to mention Dr. Akagi, and she can save her breath.

'I'm not interested in anything Dr. Dye-job has to say! Chances are, she'll be the first one to advocate destroying the Angel without bothering to attempt a rescue.'

"Please Misato. You...you have to let me do this! It's the only way I can make up for what I've done!"

No longer caring how wretched I must look, I turn my gaze upward to look at her directly, hoping that somehow, my refusal to hide how I feel about this will convince her to change her mind.

"I don't care if it's dangerous. I don't even care that I could die. But...I don't want to live if it means having to carry the weight of his death, knowing that I did NOTHING to prevent it! And...that I as good as killed him myself!"

I take a deep, steadying breath to prevent my words from devolving into an unintelligible mess. Then... "I'm begging you Misato! ME! The 'Great Asuka Langley Sohryu'..." I practically spit the epithet I once donned so proudly in countless dreams and daytime fantasies, the laughably ostentatious title having come to taste like ashes upon my tongue, "...is BEGGING you! Please..."

My voice softens, but my grip tightens upon Misato's clothing. "Please don't let me live just to carry that burden!"

Misato says nothing...and I feel both my hope and my resolve starting to wither.

"I-I...you should be happy that I'm offering to do this! After all...as I said before, he IS your favorite! So don't you dare lie to me and say that you wish our positions hadn't been reversed today!"

I feel Misato tense up slightly, but I plow forward before she can even attempt to get a word in. "Thats okay though."

I smile bitterly and heave a deep sigh as I go on, "I'll admit, it used to piss me off and make me hate both your guts sometimes. But...I've made peace with it now. And...after everything that's happened, it's not hard to see why you'd care more about someone like Shinji than...someone like me. I haven't exactly made things easy for either of you since I got here."

Another brief silence follows these words. Misato has gone completely still, seemingly holding her breath.

"So just let me do this, Misato. For his sake and yours, and...for my s-

The last words are muffled into gibberish when Misato throws her arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace.

At first, I respond with indignant surprise at the unbidden gesture. "H-Hey! Quit it Misato! L-Let go of me dammit! I've told you before, I'm not a child and don't need to be coddled like th-"

I only silence myself when I hear the older woman's faint sniffling. "I...Asuka, I..."

"W-What?" I ask, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "Spit it out already!"

"I never meant to make you feel that way, Asuka," Misato whispers over my left shoulder, her arms beginning to tremble as her embrace tightens. "But you're right. I've been...I haven't...I've only been treating you as my subordinate, rather than..."

She seems unable to finish.

"Well...I AM your subordinate you know," I reply cautiously, then pointedly add, "Even if you don't ALWAYS make the best decisions."

'Could she have been about to say...?'

No! I can't start thinking like that! I can't let her distract me!

"You're not just my subordinate, Asuka," Misato responds with a sad smile, "You're-"

"Look, don't..." I begin to cut her off.

The nerve of her, trying to throw me off by suddenly acting all 'caring'! Honestly, I don't know what's making me angrier right now; the fact that not only has my strategy backfired again...but that she's using it against me like this!

'...why now? Why did this have to happen now? Damn you Misato...'

I release myself from Misato's grip, and turn away again. "...don't sweat it, alright? I get it. I'm not easy to live with, and even less easy to get along with...let alone like. And Shinji, well...his whole 'kicked puppy' shtick gets to you after a while I guess. It even got to ME finally...so what does that tell you?"

I start to pace back and forth, shooting an occasional glance at Misato, trying to gauge her remaining resolve. "Really, I probably shouldn't have brought it up anyway. After all, he kind of needs to have someone hold his hand. Me? I don't. So...I guess I shouldn'tve let it get to me the way it did for a while."

"That's not true, Asuka," Misato says firmly, "While its true that Shinji might need a softer approach...I was still wrong to have always been so hard on you by comparison. I guess...sometimes I forget that you're still a kid too."

"I...I am NOT!" I try to sound indignant at being called a 'kid'. But...my heart's just not really in it.

'...you have the worst timing...you rotten old hag.' Strange how I can think such an abrasive thought about someone...in such a way that it actually sounds weirdly affectionate.

But I waste little time marveling at that little paradox as I begin to make my decision.

'If Misato won't officially allow me to save him...then I'll just have to do it myself.'

 _You wouldn't dare! Unit 02...she'll...it'll be taken away from us! And for what?! A useless, ungrateful bastard who threw away his own life and screamed hatred into your face when you tried to save him?!_

'Even if it means possibly losing Unit 02...I have to try. If he dies...and I have to feel the way I do right now for the rest of my life...then it's a risk I have to take...no matter what Misato says.'

Besides...she'll likely be so happy to have him back that she might not follow through on her threat after all anyway. And if I rescue the Commander's little pet as well, it probably won't matter what she thinks.

'But first...I need the opportunity to slip away.'

So...for the next several hours, I choose to bide my time and wait for one to come my way.

'Probably in the form of Dr. Akagi reporting any findings she might have been able to scrape up.'

Misato and I speak little to one another, but all the same...

'Something's changed here...changed for the better, I think. I just hope...'

...that when I run off to do what I must and blatantly disobey her orders, that the damage won't be permanent. After all...I don't really want to hurt her or her trust in the end.

'I wish she had just left me alone after all...or that I had just ignored her before and followed after Shinji anyway...this is going to be so much harder now.'

After all...she just did the same thing for me that I myself did for Shinji, didn't she?

'What if I leave HER feeling the same way I do now?'


	69. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt10)

Hey there! Got another one hammered out for you all.

Here, at last, is the first POV from inside Leliel.

...poor Shinji is not having a good day :(

•3:43 PM

"Nothing but white noise," I mutter to myself, sounding far calmer than I feel as the low drone of quiet static from the audio receptors fills my ears.

Before me, the white screen of the viewing monitor stares it's baleful emptiness back into my eyes.

'Is this the inside of the Angel? Or are Unit 01's eyes not working?'

I try to clench Unit 01's fist.

'Blank.'

It's all...blank.

The limb isn't numb...it's as if it were not even there at all.

Just as I did an hour ago, I turn Unit 01 in a full circle...or at least, what I BELIEVE is a full circle.

'I can't see...or feel...Unit 01's legs to know whether or not I'm even moving at all.'

Just like before, whether or not the Evangelion has successfully turned 360 degrees, there is nothing...and nobody...anywhere to be seen.

'None of the buildings that were swallowed. No animal or plant life that happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.'

And, of course, no Unit 00...and no Rei.

'She could still be out there somewhere, just out of reach, but...'

...if I can't feel or even SEE my own Eva's limbs...

"...then there's no way I'd find her anyway," I whisper through lips that I can barely feel anymore, "with zero visibility, and without a sense of touch to know that I've found Unit 00..."

'...it's hopeless,' the voice within my mind completes the sentence I was unable to finish aloud.

It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I've made a grave mistake by allowing myself to be swallowed.

'I can't think of any way out of this place! I-I can't even tell if I'm actually moving when I try to walk or raise my arm.'

My AT Field won't work, nothing happens when I try to attack...and Rei is nowhere to be seen.

'Somewhere...somewhere in this hellish place...Rei is just as helplessly trapped as I am.'

"I...I don't know what to do," I manage to whimper out of my fear-constricted throat, "p-please..." I can't finish the sentence.

 _Some great rescuer you are. Between failing to save her and getting yourself hopelessly trapped as well, you've also left only one Evangelion behind on the surface to counter whatever attack the Angel could launch there!_

I feel the air in my chest vanish and I physically recoil as if struck hard in the stomach. And in my mind, I see the crimson hand of Unit 02 reaching out and seizing hold of Unit 01's purple one and remember the sympathetic pressure of the fingers closing around mine.

But even more clearly, I see the face in the corner of the viewing monitor...HER face.

'Asuka...her Eva...I-I...'

Not only is she alone out there now, but her Eva is damaged...thanks to me. Because I needed to be a hero and 'save' Rei, Asuka is going to have to fight this Angel by herself...using an Eva with only one useable arm!

"Just hang on, Shinji! I'll get you out of there!"

When she said that...

'Her eyes...they looked so...'

...scared? But why? She wasn't in danger at that moment. Or at least...she didn't HAVE to be in danger.

"Just...let me go..."

She could have left me. She could have let go anytime and made it look like her grip on me simply slipped.

"I meant what I said earlier..." Her expression was one I had never seen on her face before. "I don't want you to die."

'She was doing it again! Saying things that sounded kind to make me drop my guard...toying with me!'

She hates Rei. Rei could be dying...and Asuka wanted me to abandon her...to leave her to rot in this lonely hell!

"I HATE YOU, ASUKA! I HATE YOU!" I thought those words would defy and shatter her act like the panes of a stained glass window, freeing me from her manipulative lies and the sadistic little game she was obviously playing to punish me for having dared stand up to her.

But then...

"I understand. And it's okay. After...everything that's happened...you more than have the right to hate me."

I hadn't believed her. I was sure I heard her say, "I understand. And it's okay that you hate me...because I've hated you since the day we met."

But...those weren't the words she said. No...instead..."I said it's okay, Shinji. You have the right to hate me."

And she...she...

'...she smiled.'

That smile...I had hoped for so long to see it...spent so much time wondering what it would look like, and how it would feel to see it directed at me.

'...and it was...'

...she was so...

'...beautiful...'

For the first time, her smile wasn't tainted with cruelty or haughtiness...and it made me suddenly doubt everything I'd come to believe about her.

But just as quickly as it had come, her smile faded and turned back to anger.

"What you DON'T have the right to do is to just throw your life away like it's nothing!"

Strange. Beneath the frustration, it almost sounded like...

'...she was concerned, or even...scared?'

But no! This is ASUKA! Hateful, vicious, arrogant, heartless Asuka who would only want to 'save' me in order to punish Rei for having stuck her neck out for me.

 _Selfish..._

'W...What?'

 _You automatically asssume that Asuka would only hurt Rei because of YOU?! Not because she already hated her from the start?_

'What are you saying?'

 _I'm saying that you are not only pitifully self-absorbed...but because you assume, even HOPE that Asuka is gunning for Rei only as a means to get to you...you're still pining for her, even now!_

'I...I AM NOT!'

"I'm NOT pining for Asuka! And it doesn't matter WHY she'd leave Rei to die!"

 _Liar. You've become so pathetically entangled in her fingertips that even after she tried to force you to abandon Rei, you'd STILL do almost ANYTHING for just a HINT of assurance that she's thinking about you!_

An image fills my brain; an image of Unit 02 successfully pulling Unit 01 out of the circular shadow.

The crimson beast tumbles backward with the force of its pull, and my Eva is pulled down with it, landing on top of Unit 02 in what could only be called a suggestive position.

"Uh, s-sorry Asuka! Just let me-"

I hear her laughter over the radio as I try to disengage my Eva from hers...and succeed only in rolling over on my back with Unit 02 now lying on top.

Except...now it's just Asuka. Neither of our Evas are anywhere to be seen. But Asuka is still laughing just as she was a moment ago, seemingly never interrupted.

I start to smile back, feeling a growing sense of relief...until I see Asuka's eyes, and see the way her laughter hasn't reached the cerulean irises...and I begin to hear something sinister behind the jubilant sound.

"A-Asuka?"

She immediately stops laughing, but continues to smile down at me. "Sorry. I'm just so..." she pauses, trailing a finger across my chest "...relieved," she finishes in a breathy whisper.

The feather light touch of her fingertip is like having a live wire dance across my skin...and it makes me suddenly and fully aware just how close together we are.

'I should move! I should run away! This...this...'

"...this is what you've always wanted, isn't it Shinji?" Asuka asks me in a tone of voice that makes my chest constrict in a mixture of fear and excitement.

'That's not really a question. Why would she need to ask...when she knows the answer?'

As if she had read my thoughts, her eyes flick downward...and her smile widens. Following her gaze, I nearly jump out of my skin upon realizing that both of us are completely naked.

My survival instinct tells me to flee for my life...but...

"It feels good, doesn't it?" Asuka says huskily, laying her head against my shoulder, whispering the words into my neck, "Lying here together like this?"

"Yes," I whisper back, terrified of the lust I can hear in my own voice.

Asuka titters in amusement, the slight exhalation brushing lightly against my skin; and she starts to lower herself down to lie against me fully...but pauses at the last second.

Gazing over at her questioningly, I see her smile turn cold as she leans down to whisper in my ear once more. "It really is a shame though...what happened to Wondergirl, I mean."

Cold...I feel cold as horror and dread begin to pull me into their embrace. The feel of Asuka's skin against mine is suddenly unbearable and yet...as Asuka pulls away and slowly rises to her feet, I feel a part of myself cry out for the warmth that has been so viciously stolen away.

"Did you forget?" She asks, towering over me, looking down with an expression of mingled amusement and disgust. "Allowing me to save you meant leaving her to die, to rot away inside that void...alone..." she smiles nastily, "...and forsaken by the one person she thought might actually care for a worthless freak like her."

 _And there you go...assuming you're the only one who cares about Rei, because it makes you feel special...significant...when really you are NEITHER...and never have been nor will be._

"But...but I chose to stay!" I plead with Asuka, trying to ignore the venomous other voice in the back of my skull. "I forced you to leave me behind! This...this isn't really happening n- augh!" I gasp in breathless pain as Asuka's foot crashes down, full force into the middle of my abdomen.

"Maybe not," she hisses in a voice constricted with utter loathing, now clothed in her plugsuit, as she points her right index finger at her left arm. "But THIS is!" From above me, a coppery smelling liquid drips down.

LCL?

'No...its different.'

I open my eyes against the dull pain and look up to the source of the liquid.

'Blood!'

Blood is pouring down on me from a huge and ghastly wound in Asuka's outstretched left arm, so deep that I can see an off-white sliver of bone through the ensanguined horror.

"Look at it," she growls, "Look at what you DID to me!"

"I-I'm sorry!" I cry out almost automatically.

"Oh...you're SORRY, huh?!" Asuka sneers, starting to walk in a circle around my prone body, but never once taking her eyes off me. "That's a relief. For a second there, I thought you might actually say something meaningful for once."

The knot that twists my gut at her words and the hateful tone with which they were spoken makes me feel as if I've been physically struck again.

"You...you don't understand," I whisper hoarsely, sitting up and burying my face in my hands, "I...I did it to save you. I didn't want you to get hurt."

Asuka begins to laugh again, and the raw contempt in her voice sends fear and despair rippling through my every nerve. "You mutilated my arm to save me, huh? Well...that makes it all okay doesn't it, Third Child? Never mind that you've left me crippled and ALONE to fight that fucking monster out there!"

I gasp in pain as her right hand buries itself into my hair and clenches into a fist, forcibly turning my face to stare directly into her blazing eyes. "WHY you chose to do it doesn't mean a damn thing to me...or to the world that you've doomed for your own selfish need to play the fucking hero!"

She releases her grip so forcefully, she practically throws my head at the ground. Through my groan of pain, I can hear her continue to speak...but it sounds like her back is to me now. "Why? Why did you have to-"

I open my eyes, shocked into the sudden motion by the surge of disbelief at the drastic change in her tone of voice.

"What if I really did mean it, Shinji?" her voice is thick and wavering. "What if really I didn't want this to happen?"

'Asuka, she...sounds like...she's struggling not to-'

I rise to my feet, distantly aware that the throbbing pains of Asuka's assaults are curiously absent; not merely faded away, but GONE...as if they had never happened. I disregard this oddity in favor of...

'...what exactly? What do I do?'

"I...I'm sorry," I choke out in a tightly constricted voice.

 _But of course...exactly what you do best, as always. Pathetic._

"I know..." I trail off for a moment, waiting for the next blow to fall. When it doesn't, however... "I know it...doesn't mean much coming from me, but I..."

I tighten my fists until they begin to shake, eyes clenched shut with the agony of the panic and regret flowing through me. "...I just didn't want you to get hurt."

Turning my face away from Asuka the moment I see her turn to look back over her shoulder, I go on, "I don't know if I really believe any of those things you said today...or if you really would have followed me here, but even so...I didn't do what I did just to get back at you, or even just so that I save Rei. I did it to save you too."

I hear Asuka's footsteps approaching me from behind. Fearing another attack, I square my shoulders and clench my eyes shut. "I...I really was sure it'd be worse to let you be eaten along with me and Rei. Maybe you don't believe me...but I really was trying to save you. You didn't fail to save Rei...I did. I'm the only one who needed to do this. I...I couldn'tve lived with myself!"

The footsteps come to a stop right behind me.

"And besides," I add bitterly, "I know you couldn't-..." my words come to a grinding halt when I feel a hand gently take hold of my wrist and tug, forcing me to turn around.

"Maybe I did, Shinji." Asuka is smiling again...and this time, it seems...real. "And maybe all you have to do..." her left hand cups my cheek, "...is ask."

Her thumb lightly brushes the corner of my lip, and I feel the film of congealed blood that had cascaded down from the wound on her forearm, and taste its metallic pungency filling my mouth. Indeed, my mouth seems to be completely filled with the liquid...or perhaps...I am fully immersed in a pool of blood?

The awful truth dawns on me mere seconds before the illusion itself is dispelled.

"You're not Asuka!" I gasp, breathless with horror as the reality of where I am mercilessly snatches me back into its clutches. "You're not even real!"

As if to mockingly confirm the truth, 'Asuka' melts into a shapeless mass of LCL that immediately gushes forth to engulf me.

'N-no. C...Come back!'

It had been a strange and rather painful place, but...

I awake with a start in the cold, wet darkness of the Entry Plug...and several things become immediately and frighteningly apparent.

Breathing...it's becoming more difficult. And the LCL around me is...thicker. I can feel pulp-like clumps all around me, as if...

'The LCL is starting to congeal!'

"The purification system is breaking down!" I cry out as if someone could actually hear me.

The increasingly stifling darkness remains uncaringly silent, merely attempting to overwhelm me with its horrid stench of...

"Blood! This place smells like blood!" As if in response to my words, my heart begins to race faster and faster and faster AND FASTER until my head is spinning in a violent whirlwind of terror. If my eyes could see, everything would be a blur.

I'm truly beginning to panic in a way that I never have before. At least when I was scared and unsure of what to do in the past, I could still move, run, get out of the way and find a safe place, fight back, hear Misato provide me with advice on what to do...

"Why can't I open this lock?!" I scream, struggling blindly to open the locked hatch door, too frenzied to remember that it can't be opened while screwed into place within the Eva.

"Misato, tell me what's going on!" I abandon the lock and instead desperately squeeze the button to bring up the communication array. The screen remains empty...mercilessly blank in the face of my desperate supplications.

"Misato! Ritsuko! Father!" My voice starts to crumble into pitiful sobs as the finality of my situation begins to sink in. "Rei I...I-I'm s-so sorry."

For awhile, I'm curled into a weeping ball. Eventually though, I run out of energy for even that much, and simply slump back in the chair, only moving to check the countdown to my inevitable death.

Five hours left...

'So...this is how it ends? Alone in the dark.'

I always knew I'd die alone...but I never dreamed it would be so...lonely.

Four hours left...

My breathing is becoming more shallow and labored as the LCL becomes oversaturated with carbon dioxide. All I can do is try to stay comfortable and pray that I draw my last breath while as close to sleep as possible...something that isn't possible anymore due the faint but unpleasantly burning itch from the excrement filling the seat of my plugsuit.

'Maybe if I just take the damn thing off, I'll die of hypothermia. It feels almost cold enough for that to work. They say you feel warm just before you die. That'd be nice.'

But I also really don't like the idea of filling the confined space with the stench...or worse, breathing in my own shit and piss once it starts floating along with all the other particles in here.

Three hours left...

'Asuka...if you really meant what you said today (or is it yesterday now)...then I beg of you...despite everything that's happened...if you were really serious...'

I close my eyes.

'...then please...forgive me.'

I feel a strange tugging inside my skull.

'Is that normal when you're about to die?'

"Am I... ** _(Are you)...about to die?"_**

My eyes snap wide open.


	70. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt11)

Alrighty folks, here's the next one coming at ya! In answer to the question asked by the most recent Guest reviewer, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that, sadly, I don't have enough new material to update at my original pace. The good news is that I actually do have the segment after this one complete, so another update is not too far off. After that one though, I may decide to stop posting again for awhile, so that I can finish another chunk of the story. That way, I can start updating regularly again.

•6:18 PM

I hoped with all my heart that Ritsuko would, through her discoveries, hand us the knowledge to murder that fucking sphere once and for all.

I suppose that some would think me foolishly optimistic for banking on such a thing; after all, Ritsuko Akagi, for all her vast brilliance, is very much a rationalist who, more than once, has derided the unconventional yet ultimately successful strategies I threw together to defeat the myriad of oddities thrown at us by the Angels that preceded this one. But then, against the living computer virus, Ritsuko managed to tear victory from the jaws of defeat.

Yreul was an Angel that would have eluded any tactic I could have dreamed up, even if I'd had all the time in the world. But thanks to my old college friend and her mix of quick thinking and technological savvy, we managed to stay alive once again.

Against this new Angel, one that seems to defy all the laws and logic of our world, I was so sure that if anyone could unravel the conundrum that is Leliel...it was Ritsuko Akagi.

As it so happens...I was only half right.

"So that shadow is actually the Angel's body?" I asked shortly after the scientist began to explain her theory of the seemingly inscrutable beast.

"Correct," Ritsuko replied clinically, sounding just like a few of our professors in college, "It's 680 meters in diameter, with a thickness of 3 nanometers. Sustained within that ultra-thin space is an inverted AT Field..."

'Well,' I think bitterly to myself, as I replay the explaination in my memory, 'That at least would explain a few things...like why the downward pull the 'shadow' exerted was so strong, as well as why an AT Field could at least slow it down...'

"...Inside of that field," Ritsuko continued, "Is a region of space that can only be defined by abstract mathematics; a Sea of Dirac. It could be another universe."

'Another universe?!'

The thought boggled my mind.

'What kind of universe could exist there? One just like this one?'

I nearly posed the question to Ritsuko...before realizing that I REALLY didn't want to know if there was even the possibility for an affirmative reply.

'If a world just like this one exists inside the Angel...then I'd much rather dismiss the idea as completely impossible without even asking if it could be possible. After all, nothing changes the fact that the monster needs to die...I'd rather not have to wrestle with the possibility of being the cause of a parallel universe's cataclysm before OR after all is said and done.'

To avoid asking the question that was furiously gnawing at my brain, I made a much safer query. "What about the sphere?"

'And to be fair, it WAS a much more pertinent question anyway.'

"It disappears when the imaginary circuit of the body closes. This implies that the object in the sky is a kind of shadow," Ritsuko elaborated.

'That makes about as much sense as anything else involving this fucking thing.'

"So the black shadow that swallowed Shinji and Rei is the real target?" I asked, hoping that the question would prompt her to reveal any suggestions she might have for combatting an Angel that effectively operates in reverse.

However, it's wasn't Ritsuko who spoke next.

"Then there's no way we can fight it," a surly voice interjected.

Ritsuko turned her gaze to Asuka, who was fixing the scientist with a very dark expression. The doctor, in turn, narrowed her eyes ominously at the glaring teenager, eyeing the girl with an air of suspicion.

After a long, drawn out fraction of a minute, Asuka broke eye contact with a dismissive, "Tch!" and turned to leave, saying as she did so, "You're wasting your time, Misato. Dr. Dye-job hasn't got any clever ideas on how to beat the damn thing either..." Her blue eyes fixed on Ritsuko again, and smoldered with open dislike. "...has she?"

"Asuka!" I hissed indignantly, "Apologize!"

But rather than smirk at me with her usual '...or what?' expression, the girl merely stared back at me with a baleful look...one that seemed to hide a deep undercurrent of fear and dread.

Ritsuko glowered at the insolent nickname, but maintained her professional calm when she answered, "No matter. We're all a little stressed out at the moment. And unfortunately, it's true that I haven't yet figured out a suitable method of counterattacking the Angel yet."

I felt my heart sink. "Nothing?" Up until that moment, I hadn't truly realized just how much I was depending on Ritsuko to pull my ass out of the fire.

"Nothing conclusive," the doctor replied glumly, "But I'll go work on what leads I have and run them through the MAGI to see which ones have the highest probabilities for success."

I almost demanded her to explain the 'leads' she had...before deciding that doing so would just waste valuable time.

So now...here I stand, watching over the perimeter we've set up around the Angel, barely moving from this one spot. Asuka stands nearby, even more motionless than myself, the only noticeable change being where she directs her furious expression. Mostly, she looks at the Angel...but occasionally shifts her gaze to where I know Ritsuko is toiling away, and to any of the technicians that seem to be slacking off. In particular, I hear her cursing violently under her breath at a group of them having a cheerful conversation and occasionally braying raucous laughter.

Admittedly, a part of me finds their levity at a time like this extremely galling. But then...

'We might all die today...'

...maybe there won't be a later for them.

'And maybe it's perverse, but...'

Looking at it that way, I almost wish I could join them.

'But I don't have that luxury...and I never will again.'

Shinji's face fills my mind...our brief time together flashing before my eyes.

"Please..." I whisper aloud, "...please don't leave me. Not like this."

'Strange, isn't it? A boy I've known for barely six months making such an impact on me. But I guess living with someone will do that to you...'

And it's then that I think of the reason Shinji is trapped inside of Leliel's Sea of Dirac; the strange azure-haired girl who, until Shinji came along, had no one but the cold, stone-hearted Commander to interact with.

'I haven't really spared many thoughts for her, have I?'

Guilt eats at my insides.

'Gods know, I don't want her to die either...'

I hope we can save them both...

'...but of course...if by some chance only one of them survived...there's no questioning which one I'd rather-'

My troubling line of thought is mercifully interrupted by the sound of Ritsuko's voice calling out for me.

Relief and a surge of hope break the wall of storm clouds that had been filling my mind for the last few hours, instilling a renewed sense of vigor. 'Finally! We're going to-'

But the sudden high comes crashing down when I see the grim expression on the doctor's face. And...moments later, after she has explained the 'grand strategy' I've been waiting for all this time...my fear and dread are rapidly supplanted; first by abject horror...then by white-hot rage.


	71. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt12)

I know it's not been very long, but I can't help it. Here's the next one!

I've got one more after this that's nearly finished. Hopefully, I can keep up this pace for awhile until I've finished Chapter 8.

And in that note, I've decided that I'll just continue to update as I complete new segments until the completion of Chapter 8.

•6:00 PM

It's been just over four and half hours since I was dragged into the 'shadow'.

I briefly activate Unit 00's visual monitor as I have been doing every hour, on the hour. The view remains the same; blindingly pure white...nothingness.

'It seems that none of the Evangelion's physical senses work in this place.'

I immediately switch the Evangelion back to life-support mode, and allow my body to relax back into the contours of the seat.

'Or...at least to relax as much as I possibly can, given that...'

...I have been swallowed by an Angel...

'...and I cannot see any means of escaping while completely unable to determine the nature of my prison.'

So then, I suppose...I must wait for rescue to come to ME...if indeed, rescue is even possible.

'It must be! I cannot remain trapped here!'

In my mind, I can see his face...the brown eyes beneath orange lenses blazing with that silent, yet terrifyingly hungry determination.

'He will not allow me to remain unrescued, even if...'

 _...all they salvage from this plug is a bloated husk?_

Waves of dread begin to lap...and then to crash harder and harder against the shores of my conscious mind at the grisly image I myself have envisioned.

The only hope that remains, then...is that if rescue does not come in time to save my life...

'...my soul must remain trapped here...within the Eva? The plug? Or...'

I suddenly feel a need to retch...but just barely manage to hold it in.

'...within my own decaying flesh?'

My eyes are wide in the dark...and my breathing slowly becomes more rapid and shallow.

''Will it...hurt?'

 _Such a childish question! What does it matter? You exist for one purpose...your soul MUST continue to exist in order to fulfill it._

'But...'

No rebuke I can offer myself is enough to keep me from shivering.

'...I am...afraid.'

I wrap my arms around myself...and find myself pondering a curious thought.

'What...would it feel like...if the arms around me were not...my own, but instead-'

 _He desires another...and perhaps another besides her..._

'I care not.'

I have...seen others embrace one another from a distance. Naturally, I learned over time that such a gesture was a sign of intimacy between two or more people.

'There were times that I wondered...what it would be like to share such an act with another? Perhaps...specifically with...'

My stomach clenches with worry as my thoughts turn to the wellbeing of another besides myself.

'Ikari...'

Not for the first time in these lumbering hours, I find myself fretting over what has become of Shinji.

'He seemed so determined to save me...'

But...surely he would know, just as I did, that staying to save me was too risky.

 _His hand never left your grip. He was still holding on when your hand went numb._

'No! Surely Major Katsuragi would have ordered him to retreat as soon as Unit 00 disappeared beneath the surface!'

Ikari would have listened to her if not to me.

'Yes, and...despite her apparent despisal of Ikari...if ordered to do so, Sohryu would assist him.'

 _But Ikari was...different...today. You saw it in his eyes...that burning determination..._

No...please no...

"Ikari," I whisper into the silent nothingness around me, speaking aloud for the first time since the daylight had vanished from my sight. "Are you...here?"

'Are you here too, in this terrible place?'

There is no reply; not from the Angel...and not from Ikari.

 _But...that doesn't mean he isn't here, does it?_

I suddenly feel sick again...but not in the same way as before. This is different...

"I pray you are not here."

Yet despite my words...

 _You lie._

...I cannot help but try to envision what his arms would feel like; draped around me the way I have seen others do to one another.

'But I have no previous encounter...with him or any other person to weigh it against. I...cannot grasp the real feeling of the experience.'

To me, the thought of being embraced is only a beguiling phantom. Entrancing, yet untouchable, and therefore...unknowable. Besides...

'Even if Ikari is here somewhere...I have no way of knowing...'

"And so then..."

I tighten the grip of my arms around myself...perhaps in a desperate attempt to embrace that phantom in the distance, dancing just out of my reach.

"...I am **_(I too) am truly alone here."_**

I sit bolt upright in the seat, uncoiling my every muscle only to tauten them a split second later as I reposition into a pose of utmost alertness.

'I feel it once more...'

...that same feeling of being observed...perhaps even, scrutinized.

Freeing myself from the pilot seat, I look all around, in a full circle as well as up and down.

'I cannot see it...I cannot see the eye that has me in its sights. And yet...'

 ** _'Can_** it **_(you) see me?'_**

My heart begins to race, and my eyes dart frantically in every direction.

'I...I cannot see it, and yet-'

But I freeze in my tracks as a new sensation begins to assail me...a sensation completely separate from my growing panic.

Something is...tugging at my brain...

 ** _'Some(one)_** thing **_is here...'_**

It's more like...I can suddenly feel EVERY convolution between the organ's surface and the skull surrounding it.

'Though, not as if something were filling the contours...but draining them...drawing the contents into gaping mouths of black nothingness and-'

I close my eyes to escape the ghastly visual attempting to unfurl itself within my imagination, until-

A familiar sound...

'What is...?'

...I hear the sound of...

'...water?'

I open my eyes and find myself staring, not into darkness so complete that it presses against me like a weightless veil...but into the blazing orange of a magnificent sunset.

The light is pouring in through a wide, rectangular window and shimmering of the surface of the water outside of it. Judging by the gentle rocking of the floor beneath me, and the distant sound of lapping water...

'...I must be on a floating vessel of some kind. Perhaps...a ferry barge?'

Except for the tranquil sloshing of the waves, all is silent and motionless. I seem to be alone, until...I turn my head back towards the window and see a figure sitting across from me.

The sunset is at its back, the fiery circle itself partially obscured by the entity's head in such a way that it resembles a burning halo. Surrounded by the orange glare, the head is a sharply defined silhouette with its face hidden completely in shadow.

And yet, despite the features being inscrutable, I'm immediately aware of two things...I can feel its eyes staring at me, and...

'...the shape of the person before me is familiar, as is the gaze boring into me...'

But they are not the same...the eyes that stare at me from the shadow cloaked face are NOT truly the same ones that gaze back at me from the mirror of my original living quarters...even if its unseen irises are the same shade of crimson.

"Is this the form an Angel would choose in order to speak with its enemy?" I ask the shadowed doppelgänger.

 ** _"...Angel?"_** The responding voice, is identical to my own...but expressionless and detached, seemingly unable to convey it's evident confusion at my question. **_"What is...an 'Angel'?"_**


	72. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt13)

AN: Hi there everyone! Got another installment for you :)

This one is a Ritsuko POV. Hope you enjoy it!

Also, I'd like to take a moment to recommend a new fanfic for you all to check out, **_reditlurker's_** **'We Can (not) Contain.'** It's a crossover of Evangelion and the SCP Foundation Mythos. I quite like it so far, and given that I'm such a huge fan of both Evangelion and SCP Foundation, I have high hopes for the future of the story :)

•6:22 PM

The leader of the Section Two squadron on site nods and acknowledges the order I've given before walking away to address his subordinates. Satisfied that, despite their rather spotty performance this, at least, is a task their limited abilities can handle, I finish making the preparations with the United Nations.

Granted, I'll still have a few more phone calls to make, but the operation is now fully in motion, so...

'...no turning back now.'

It's a shame it had to come to this...but with this Angel, I guess this was going to be the only way in the end. If only we'd known that from the start, maybe we could have avoided the loss of two pilots.

A few minutes later, I receive a call from Section Two; their 'agents' are in position to prevent any unwanted interference. With a heavy sigh, I rise to my feet.

'There's no getting around or out of this now...and now that everything is in motion, I'm out of excuses not to tell her.'

With feet that feel clad in lead, I begin to walk towards the standing figures silhouetted by the flood lights illuminating the perimeter around the Twelfth Angel...or Leliel, as I've heard the MAGI have designated it.

'She's not going to forgive me for this. Even if I manage to convince her that this is the ONLY viable option...things will never be the same between us. Why don't I feel worse about that?'

I'm about to lose the closest thing to a best friend that I've ever had...and while I'm definitely dreading the confrontation...

'...I feel more trepidation about dealing with her emotional reaction than I do about losing her as a friend.'

Why is that?

'Why don't I feel more bitter that she's going to cast aside a decade of friendship over some little boy she's only known for half a year?'

 _Probably because you'll find the cause to which you've sold your soul much easier to accomplish without her holding you back._

I don't know if she'll just cry or rage...or if she'll actively try to resist me. I'll just have to try to make it as clear as possible that they're both completely beyond rescue. At best, there's always the miraculous possibility that they'll both survive.

'Given the vastly skewed odds we've already overcome and occasionally put to abject shame, perhaps she'll hold on to that hope long enough for me to see this operation through without her attempting to interfere. Who knows...maybe they really will survive.'

But I know they won't. I know that the odds of their survival are pretty much nil. The liquid suspension should prevent the shockwaves from smashing them around the Entry Plugs...but the immense heat from the explosions of the N2 mines will almost certainly boil them to death. It might not be a problem if we could contact them and tell them to raise their AT Fields...but we can't.

So their only hope would be to notice the explosions before they're engulfed...and if it IS even possible to kill the Angel this way, there's very little chance that they will have that time.

But as awful as it sounds, at least it's better than letting them slowly asphyxiate in the dark.

'So, at worst...they'll at least be put out of their misery. I hope for the sake of her sanity, that Misato will come to see it that way.'

But she won't. And even if she does, she won't take it well and she'll probably always blame me...even if she tries not to.

...

'Oh well.'

I feel a little sad I guess...but if this had happened only a few years ago, I know I'd be taking it harder than this.

'I almost wish I did feel worse. But even so...once all of this is over, it won't matter anyway.'

I call out to Misato and she hurries towards me, looking desperate but still bright with hope.

'This is going to destroy her.'

I stare back at her with what I hope is a sobering expression, in hopes that it will soften the blow somewhat if she knows not to expect good news.

"Ritsuko?" she says, an unspoken plea in her voice, "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Well...I think I've found a way to destroy the Angel, but..."

A short distance behind her, I see the Second Child watching and, no doubt, listening intently. Her eyes flick towards me, and her glare hardens.

'...insufferable little brat!'

Judging by her behavior, it seems that both Misato and Kaji were correct about her complex emotions towards the Third Child.

'Which means I'm going to have to deal with HER reaction to this news as well! Oh joy.'

With what Misato told me shortly after I explained the nature of the Angel, coupled with her mood being even fouler than usual, it seems evident that she's going to try something reckless. But at least I've taken preventative measures to ensure that she won't be able to take matters into her own hands.

"...'but' what, Ritsuko?"

"I seriously doubt you're going to like my answer," I continue, mentally bracing myself for the coming maelstrom. "I've just finished coordinating the counterattack strategy with the JSDF and the UN. They're going to saturate the shadow with N2 mines."

Misato's brown eyes widen in horror. "They're...going to WHAT?!"

I give her a minute to absorb what I've just said...and shift my gaze to Asuka.

I had expected the hot-blooded girl to say something angry, or at least something snide and disparaging. But I find myself surprised...and even slightly disquieted at her reaction.

The Second Child's close-eyed expression is not one of mortified surprise like Misato's, but rather one of grim confirmation...as if she'd expected this all along. Then her eyes open, and she stares directly back at me.

Her gaze is calm and steady...and if looks could kill, the very matter I'm composed of would be vaporizing into nothing.

The Second Child has never exactly been fond of me, and has always regarded me with dislike, but this is more than that. What I'm seeing is...hatred, pure and simple.

Feeling a little uncomfortable, I turn back to Misato who, after a moment, manages to find her voice again. "You...they...they can't do this!"

"We don't have a choice Misato. It's the only option we have that might work," I reply with a heavy sigh. "The plan is to drop all 992 existing N2 mines into the target's center, while simultaneously activating the AT Field of Unit 02. The idea is to disrupt the hypothetical circuit that encloses the Angel's pocket interior. If we concentrate enough explosive power during that same microsecond, we could destroy the Angel, along with the Dirac Sea that makes up its body."

"But the damage to the Evas..." Misato is clearly beginning to overcome the initial shock, "...Shinji wouldn't...and Rei...they'll..." and as the shock evaporates, it is quickly replaced with growing fury.

"What in the hell kind of rescue operation is this?!" She demands, the volume of her voice rising ominously.

Behind her, I hear Asuka scoff quietly. Misato ignores her, continuing to regard me with a mixture of anger and supplication.

"Our priority is to get the Evas back, even if they have to be destroyed In the process," I bull on relentlessly. I should probably just take over things from here...but a part of me feels obligated to explain why it has to be this way.

"Now wait just a damn second-" Misato snarls angrily, but I cut her off before she can finish.

'At this point, I might as well just come out and say it plain.'

"Under these conditions, the pilots lives are irrelevant."

SMACK!

An painful explosion in the shape of a human hand makes me stagger sideways and sends my glasses clattering to the concrete.

After taking a moment to blink away the twinkling stars and bemusement, I turn around to glare at my attacker.

Misato's face is pale white rather than flushed with emotion, and her teeth are bared in a snarl...but there's more than just simple anger or outrage in her expression.

'Her eyes...they have the look of someone who's been stabbed in the back.'

 _This is her first glimpse of the real you...at what you've allowed yourself to become._

'Be that as it may...'

"It's your responsibility if Shinji and Rei are lost, Misato!" I cry indignantly, still nursing my throbbing left cheek. "You seem to have forgotten that!"

'It's so strange...I know that what I'm saying is cold and heartless. I know that it will likely result in an eventual, if not immediate, fallout between us. If I'm really her friend...why I am not even trying to comfort her?'

I could use the excuse that it wouldn't do any good; that she'd act this way no matter how I explain the plan...but that isn't what's stopping me.

I could also argue that, as an officer commanding soldiers, no matter how young they might be, Misato should have been mentally and emotionally prepared for a moment like this all along. But, aside from preferring not to be hit again, I just...don't care enough to even attempt it.

'I'm watching my 'best friend' being forced to accept the probable death of a person she cares for...he may even be the person she cares most for. Shouldn't I say...something...anything?!'

 _And ruin this chance to make a clean break with one of the few people with the intelligence, courage, and moral fiber to try to put a stop to what you, Fuyutsuki, and Gendo are REALLY planning? I don't think so. It's almost TOO perfect...isn't it?_

"These are human lives we're talking about!" Misato is yelling, and she takes a step towards me. "These are our Pilots for God's sake! Is this how we repay our own for putting their lives on the line and saving us all from extinction?!"

I frown to myself. 'What the hell would I say anyway? It's not like she's wrong to feel the way she does.'

And whatever I say won't change the simple reality of the situation.

"We can't win this war without the Evas, Misato! You should know that better than anyone! What will ANY of their previous actions matter if we fail to destroy this Angel and retrieve the only weapons we can wield to defend ourselves against the Angels that are still to come?!"

I heave a deep sigh. 'I suppose I should at least have the courtesy to look as if this decision is as hard for me to go forward with as it is for Misato to accept.'

"I hate this. You know I do," I say, trying to impart some emotion other than the exasperation I'm feeling. "But they're going to die anyway if we do nothing. If we act now, before their life support runs out, which for Rei and Shinji will be approximately six hours and five hours respectively, then there is at least a CHANCE that they will survive. Doing absolutely nothing is as good as a death sentence for both of them."

"And killing them with our own hands is somehow better?!" Misato fires back. "How the fuck do you even know this insane plan of yours is going to work, anyway? What if it fails to do ANYTHING?!"

'Truthfully? Even I don't know that it will. But if it doesn't...'

"Then I guess we won't have to worry about killing our own pilots, will we?" I reply with a slightly waspish inflection. "But for now, that's the plan. And I have both the Commander and Sub-Commander's permission to proceed."

"Commander Ikari approved this?!" Misato's eyes widen in horrified surprise. Then her expression hardens once more. "How the hell can you live with yourselves, knowing what you're about to do?!"

 _How indeed? You don't even know the half of it, Misato._

"Tell me something," I retort coolly, feeling my irritation at her obstinacy rising. "Do you honestly think that there's a better way?"

"Of course there is!" she snaps back, "There has to be a-"

"And do you know what that course of action is?" I interrupt mercilessly. "Or are you just grasping in the dark, hoping that causality will drop some magical solution into your lap at the last possible second?!"

"I'm not giving up MY pilots for dead just because YOU already have, Ritsuko Akagi!"

"No," I reply frostily, "The real difference between us is that I'm willing to do what has to be done. If the pilots do die as a result of our actions, they'll at least be spared the agony of slow asphyxiation. But you're so unwilling to soil your own hands with this decision, that you'd be willing to let them die the hard way just to avoid doing so!"

Misato recoils as if I had physically slapped her in retaliation for her earlier assault. And just like that, the fire goes out and she bows her head, eyes wide and wounded, mouth twisted with anguish.

'I didn't have to say that. Maybe I went too far.'

I'm not really sorry...but I don't feel good or vindicated either.

"I'm taking command of this operation effective immediately," I inform her, trying to adopt a conciliatory air to soften the blow.

I turn towards where Asuka is standing. "Asuka, you'll be on st-"

But by the time I've shifted my gaze, I find the space the Second Child had been occupying to be empty...and the red-headed brat nowhere to be seen.

'Well...looks like I called that one.'


	73. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt14)

AN: Alright folks, it's that time again! And I've really been looking forward to sharing this one; it's one of my favorites that I've written thus far. :)

 _"Open wrists talk back again_

 _In the wounded of its skin_

 _They'll pinprick the witness in ritual contrition_

 _The AM trinity fell upon asphyxiatia-derailed_

 _In the rattles of..._

 _Made its way through the tracks of a snail slouching whisper_

 _A half mass commute through umbilical blisters_

 _Spector will lurk_

 _Radar has gathered midnight nooses from boxcar cadavers_

 _Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed_

 _Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed_

 _It's because, this is..."_

/GTeBRlwEfA8

- **"Roulette Dares (The Haunt Of)"** by The Mars Volta

•8:01 PM

It's hard to be sure given the total darkness from before, but...I must have closed my eyes before opening them again! Otherwise, wouldn't I have seen this place take shape around me?

'Maybe not. Maybe I didn't open my eyes. Maybe I CLOSED them...and fell into a dream.'

Beneath me, I can hear the train car click and clack as it rolls over the divides in the rail and the squall of steel against steel and feel the soft grinding of the wheels navigating the tight curves of the intercity rail system. That much seems real...

'...but why aren't the lights working?'

Outside the window, the sun is low in the sky, coloring the welkin and the glass towers of Tokyo 3 a bright, warm orange-gold. But inside the train car, the icy fluorescence of the overhead lamps is completely absent. The result is that the coach is partially awash in the magnificence of early evening...and that the remainder is deeply cloaked in shadow.

Also, the train is completely empty. Or at least my coach is, and beyond that, the other coaches, at least from what I can see through the connecting doors at either end...seem strangely blurred, and staring too long has the strange effect of making my eyes begin to ache.

'...there's something really eerie about this place...why aren't there any other people?'

And yet, despite clearly being the only one here...the feeling of being silently observed crawls across my skin like spiders; even the dark, lifeless looking windows of the buildings that pass by the window opposite me seem to stare like the hollow eyes of a skull. The unnerving sense of being watched on all sides suddenly makes me wish I weren't here alone.

'It's strange...I've never liked trains very much.'

 _It was at a train station that he turned his back on you. It was a train that carried you away from him that day._

Not least because they're crowded...full of strangers; all of them just more people who would laugh at me if I didn't try my hardest to be invisible...people who would hate me if they knew how worthless I am.

'It's their eyes I've always feared most...especially...'

...especially the ones that looked kind. The faces that offered a smile always made me feel the worst...worse than the ones who were sneering or dismissive or even angry.

'...because if they looked long enough, they'd realize what a joke I really am, and look away...'

 _...just like Father did._

'But at least it's better than seeing their expressions twist into disgust or loathing...they would eventually, after all.'

 ** _"But how would you know that...when you've always been the first to look away?"_**

The voice seems to emanate not from any particular direction, but from all around me...and from inside my own body.

"Who are you?" I ask, turning my head frantically from side to side.

 ** _"Who?"_**

My gaze is suddenly drawn to a seat directly across the center aisle from me...and I see that I am no longer alone.

 ** _"Shinji Ikari,"_** it answers.

I assume the speaker must be the figure sitting across the aisle...but it's hard to tell, given that its voice seems to issue from above, behind, and underneath me just as much as in front of me where it sits...not to mention the fact that the figure's face is completely shrouded in shadow...or the unnatural stillness of its entire body, even when it 'speaks'.

"But...that's me," I respond, feeling disquieted that the shadowy being would call itself by my name. Although...that isn't half as unnerving as the figure's oddly familiar voice and shape.

 ** _"I am you."_**

'Am I really talking to myself?'

I'm dimly aware of a growing sense of wrongness with this whole setting...but questioning **_myself_** would just be even more confusing...and possibly uncomfortable. So I choose, for now, just to listen to what **_I_** have to say.

 ** _"This self incorporates another self,"_** **_my_** voice continues, **_"The self has always been composed of two selves; the self which is observed and the self which observes itself. To expound..."_**

I notice that **_I_** speak to myself as if **_I_** am the one providing a lesson...but for some reason, I can't help but feel that **_I_** am the one seeking a sense of validation.

 ** _"...there is the Shinji Ikari that exists in your mind, the Shinji Ikari in Misato Katsuragi's mind, the Shinji Ikari in Asuka Sohryu's mind, the Shinji Ikari in Rei Ayanami's mind, the Shinji Ikari in Ryoji Kaji's mind, the Shinji Ikari in Yuko Miyamura's mind, and the Shinji Ikari in Gendo Ikari's mind. All are different Shinji Ikaris, but each of them is a true Shiniji Ikari. What you fear are the Shinji Ikaris that exist in the minds of others."_**

Truthfully, I've never really thought about it that way. But...I guess it's true that if everyone perceives someone in a different way than someone else would, it only makes sense to consider them alternate identities that exist within individual minds...despite the fact that they are all still the same person.

'And what **_I_** said about my fears...it's true, isn't it?'

"I'm just afraid of being hated," I reply meekly.

 ** _"You're afraid of being rejected."_**

Visions of a tall man with sunlight-opaqued glasses and a bearded chin glaring down at me fills my mind.

 _"No! Father, please..."_

He turns away without a word or a backward glance.

 _"Don't leave me here!"_ I hear myself crying out.

 ** _"It's because of him,"_** **_I_** say, an undercurrent of what might be anger beneath **_my_** previously emotionless voice, **_"The reason you fear being abandoned."_**

"No!" I curl my hands into fists, trying to fight the knot twisting in my guts at the memories and emotions **_I_** have called forth. "It's because I'm not good enough!"

I hang my head in despair. "Because I'm worthless."

 _"No,"_ the voice of Misato interjects sternly, _"You just believe that you're worthless,_ _Shinji."_

"You don't know the real me!" I cry out, hating how warm I feel at hearing Misato's voice...and the words she's spoken. "You're only saying those things because you don't know how...disgusting I really am!"

 _"I don't think, I KNOW that you are better than you think you are,"_ adds Ryoji Kaji. He wears a laid-back grin on his unshaven face, but his eyes display an intense sincerity that sharply contrasts his usual flippant demeanor.

I see their bright, warm smiles, eyes full of the understanding and acceptance I've always wanted to see on his f-

 _"Good work, Shinji."_

'It's his voice! The voice of my father!'

"He called me by name! H-He praised me!"

 ** _"Will you live the rest of your life regurgitating and redigesting those few happy memories?"_** **_I_** ask.

 _"Hey Shinji, you wanna kiss me?"_

Asuka and I stand in Misato's kitchen, our lips overlapping, locked in an intimate embrace. I can feel her tongue dancing around erratically, while my own lies motionless, paralyzed by fear and uncertainty.

'Kissing for the first time is nothing like what you see in movies or manga or read in books. It's clumsy and terrifying, and yet...'

Warm...

'...that's how I felt for just a fleeting moment before...'

 ** _"She hurt you in a way that would destroy many 'others', yet you still long to be near her...even though you are filled with fear and resentment towards her."_**

I narrow my eyes at the question; both at **_my_** peculiar emphasis on the word 'other', and how the last two statements felt less like the clinical observations **_I've_** been spouting this whole time and more like perplexed questions.

'If **_I_** know so much about myself...why would **_I_** really need to ask?'

Though...I suppose that I've been asking myself those same questions for a while now.

'And I still don't have much of an answer...except, perhaps...'

"She's an Eva Pilot...just like me," I answer after a long silence.

 ** _"Is not Rei Ayanami also a Pilot, just like you?"_** **_I_** counter.

"Rei..." I echo her name pensively.

I see her standing naked in Misato's kitchen, seeming to be blissfully unaware of her embarrassing state. And I see the confusion in her eyes when Misato addressed the issue a short time later.

It was then...and after realizing that it was not laziness, but IGNORANCE that caused her to live in that disgusting apartment for so long without bothering to maintain it or even demand better lodgings that I began to understand something profoundly disturbing about my fellow Pilot.

'...that she's dangerously oblivious of the world around her.'

"Rei may be a Pilot...but it's not the same. She's...not stupid, but she doesn't...understand certain things. If she did...she'd probably hate me too, just like Asuka...and my father."

 ** _"You feel that you deserve to be hated."_** It isn't a question.

"Of course I do!" I reply impatiently.

'Why can't **_I myself_** see that?'

"I-I'm..." The fire in my voice begins to die. "...I'm weak, and a coward. Asuka, she's so...brave and strong. She treats me the way she does because she's smart enough to see right through me...right to the rotten core. It's at least better than her pretending to like me the way everyone else does, just because I pilot the stupid Eva."

Once again, **_my_** response is not a question, despite being worded like one. **_"Then it is, according to you, acceptable for those who are strong to persecute those who are weak."_**

The hint of accusation in **_my_** calm, dispassionate voice, as well the grim words **_I've_** spoken, catch me entirely off guard. "N-No! Th-That isn't what I-"

 ** _"Then,"_** **_I_** interrupt, **_"What you truly meant is that you alone deserve to be punished, because you hold yourself to a far higher standard than the 'others' around you. Do you not see the sanctimony in such self-destructive arrogance? Is a sense of moral superiority over all 'others' really worth the isolation and the devastation wrought upon the light of your own soul?"_**

'Again...that weird emphasis on the word 'others'...'

In spite of my growing unease, I feel a spike of anger at **_my_** own presumption.

"I am not sanctimonious!"

'...am I?'

 ** _"Regardless,"_** **_I_** reply, **_"You use your self-hate as a kind of security blanket. By displacing the hate you feel towards yourself onto how you choose to believe the 'others' perceive you, you both justify your attempts to run and turn away from those who seek closeness to you, and convince yourself that such behavior is mutually beneficial. This belief is self-deceiving and mutually destructive, and by clinging to it for fear of being hurt, you imprison yourself within a vicious cycle and forever deny yourself the possibility of exorcising what ails you."_**

 ** _I_** pause for a moment, and then... ** _I_** begin to move for the first time, shifting **_myself_** over into a shaft of light from the setting sun spilling through the window of the unlighted train car.

Something about the way I see **_myself_** move makes me shudder with revulsion.

'Is it just a trick of the light? Or did I just see **_myself_** slide sideways without even moving **_my_** arms or legs? This is a weird dream I'm-'

 ** _"One who is genuinely solitary by nature may be able to live such a way. But only if they either do not desire the presence of 'others' with any fiber of their being...or if coexistence with the 'others' is simply impossible."_**

As **_I_** continue to speak...I notice something. **_My_** face is still hidden, but I can now see the shirt **_I'm_** wearing...

'A t-shirt with black and white stripes...not unlike the-'

The realization of where this is...and who **_'I'_** am, begins to wash over me in churning, crashing waves of dread.

 ** _"But you...as one who DOES desire companionship, despite fearing it...cannot. Not without falling prey to d-"_**

The THING that sounds like me falls silent as I quickly and shakily rise to my feet, and proceed to back away towards the end of the coach in the direction opposite of the train's motion.

Stumbling slightly, refusing to take my eyes off the shadowy figure, I feel the back of my neck erupt in gooseflesh as I see it begin to move once more. The body below the neck remains as unmoving as ever...but the head slowly turns toward me, following my retreat.

The left side of its face enters the shaft of orange sunlight...and I see a familiar dark blue iris...and then another. With a gasp of horror, I lose my footing and crash to the floor.

Outside the train, I hear the wail of grade crossing alarms approaching and then receding as the train whisks past them. The part of me that isn't succumbing to icy panic wonders dimly if there was even anyone out there waiting for the train to pass.

"W-Who..." I struggle to form words through the paralysis cast upon me.

'My face...ITS WEARING MY FACE!"

It stares unblinkingly at me with a blank expression, as inhumanly motionless as it was before.

'It can't be...'

"What are you?!" I whisper in breathless terror, clutching at my head, trying to ignore the ghastly tugging sensation winding its way through the convolutions of my brain, as if the black void that swallowed me has opened a new mouth inside my skull.

The other me doesn't open its mouth or even move, as its voice replies, **_"The additional 'other' referred to me as...an Angel."_**


	74. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt15)

AN: Update time!

Here we have an Asuka POV. And our anti-heroine is anything but amused at the current plan to deal with Leliel.

And, on a somewhat unrelated note, I hope no one minds that I changed the story's summary/description. I felt that this story has outgrown the initial summary I wrote for it.

•6:30 PM

When I saw some worthless grunts standing around and having a laugh over some stupid joke one of them made, I didn't think I could possibly feel angrier than I did then. Seriously, I wanted to go over there and beat them all fucking bloody for daring to find ANYTHING amusing at a time like this.

"They're...going to WHAT?!" cries Misato in horrified disbelief.

I...was wrong. What I'm feeling right now makes my earlier rage feel like a fit of childish giggling by comparison.

But strangely enough, it's almost the opposite of how I felt then as well. When those technicians were laughing and goofing off, I wanted nothing more than to rush over to them and start swinging with reckless abandon. The anger formed a haze in my mind, filling it with a reckless hunger for revenge.

Now though...everything is shockingly clear, and I feel calm...almost unnaturally so. I close my eyes, and take a deep, even breath.

'Unlike Misato, I was ready for something like this from the start. And I know what I'm going to do about it.'

I open my eyes to see Dr. Akagi looking at me while Misato attempts to process what her 'friend' has just said.

The fake blonde's green eyes glare at me with undisguised hostility, and almost a clandestine challenge, as if daring me to protest her assertions.

'After hearing what I said on the comm channel earlier, she's probably expecting me to start raging and carrying on like a petulant child...maybe even to beg.'

I choose to keep completely silent...to deny the soulless hag the satisfaction.

'I'm not stupid. I know that trying to appeal to the 'human' side or 'better' nature of someone like you would be about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.'

However, what I DO want her to see is...

'Dr. Akagi...if you really go through with this and Shinji dies because you're too stupid and cowardly to think of a better solution...then you had better fucking pray that you're dead before this war is over. Because if you survive and he doesn't...I swear that I'll find a way to make you wish you WERE dead!'

To my surprise, Akagi is the first to turn away...and I could swear that she even looks a little freaked out. I feel a twinge of grim satisfaction at the thought.

But any good feelings I have at my perceived tiny victory are quickly extinguished by a mixture of apprehension at what I plan to do...and the subsequent rush of determination to see it through.

"What the hell kind of rescue operation is this?!" Misato is shouting at Ritsuko.

I let out a noise of disgust at Misato's apparent inability to understand that her 'friend' doesn't give a fuck about any of us.

'Except maybe Commander Creepass...something about how she reacted that one time she overheard me suggesting she was sleeping with the higher ups in exchange for her top position in the hierarchy was really suspicious. I mean...I was just making a stupid joke about her being a fake blonde...but the look she gave me...after that, I couldn't help but wonder-...'

My thoughts are brought back to the present by the sharp sound of flesh striking flesh. Akagi stumbles and nearly joins her glasses on the asphalt, while a livid Misato glares unrepentantly as the blonde bitch begins to regain her composure.

As I hear Akagi begin to angrily retort that it is Misato's fault that her pilots are in mortal peril, I decide that my opportunity has presented itself.

'Now! It has to be now, while they're both too busy pushing the blame for this whole mess back and forth!'

After a moment to steel myself and clear my mind of any doubts...I begin to take a few steps back. And then, once I'm certain that neither Misato or Akagi have taken note of my retreat, I turn around and, suppressing the urge to sprint full tilt, increase my pace just enough to continue looking innocuous to anyone watching.

'It's the right thing to do. Whatever might happen to me...I have to make things right...'

 _You'll be expelled from NERV!_

'...whatever the cost.'

 _He won't forgive you...no matter what you do, no matter what you sacrifice for his sake!_

'This isnt about being forgiven...'

The looming shape of Unit 02 grows larger and larger as I approach, compromising with the mixture of adrenaline and emotions surging through my every sinew by picking up my pace by a small, hopefully unnoticeable fraction.

'...this is about being able to live with myself after today. Besides...'

I increase my speed just a little more.

'...if I manage to rescue Unit 01 WITHOUT it having to be damaged by N2 mines, AND Wondergirl, along with Unit 00, ALSO undamaged...even the 'Bastard King' will probably be willing to overlook a little insubordination on my part. Then everybody wins! Right?'

The reassurance of that last thought, coupled with the thundering of my heart, and the fact that I no longer see anyone nearby serves to make me drop all pretense and pelt nearly full speed towards the card-activated lift that will carry me up the Entry Plug still jutting out of Unit 02's back.

But as I dodge around a work station blocking the entrance to the lift from view, I notice something unusual that nearly makes me falter.

'Damn it! There's more than two guards here now?'

And what's more, the extra ones aren't the light-colored uniform quasi-military NERV guards either. Instead, they're the dark-suited goons that look like 'Men In Black' cosplayers...

'...even though most of them are probably closer to being Yakuza rejects,' I think to myself contemptuously.

It was my hope to simply breeze past the guards who, knowing who I am, hopefully wouldn't ask any questions anyway...at least not until it was too late to stop me. But seeing three of the Section Two thugs here as well...

'Misato...damn her! She KNEW I was still going to defy her if I got the chance!'

Even so, I can't help but feel a bit smug at the thought that she had these extra guards placed here BEFORE hearing Dr. Bitch's 'uberbrilliant' plan.

'Now she probably won't mind what I'm about to do so much anymore! Eat that Misato!'

Of course...the knowledge that I was right all along doesn't exactly help me in my current situation.

'They don't seem to be paying much attention. If I can just dodge my way through them, even the extras won't have time to stop me once I'm on the lift...and it's not like they're going to shoot me, and that'd be the only way to stop me once I'm out of physical reach.'

With my ID card in hand and ready, having previously retrieved it during my forcibly casual walk to get here, I push myself to my absolute top speed, deciding to ignore any attempt at subtlety or diplomacy in favor of simply blasting my way through the open spaces in the small cluster of guards.

"Hey, its Sohryu! Stop her!"

The first two Section Two grunts are stupid enough to try to countercharge me. I simply sidestep them, and see one stumble and the other land face first out of the corner of my eye. The next is one of the NERV guards, who tries to grab my arm, but misses.

The other NERV guard cries, "Halt!" and actually levels his automatic weapon to point at me. The instinctive fear of seeing a weapon aimed at me momentarily makes me falter...before remembering that the idiot would never shoot if he actually values his job. But the infinitesimal hesitation gives the third suit-clad thug the opening he needs.

The agent's vice-like grip on my lower arm forces me to come to an abrupt halt.

"Fich dich!"

Rather than resist the momentum of being pulled back against my will, I use it to wheel around and send a vicious kick upwards between the man's legs. The burly agent almost three times my size promptly releases me, crumpling to the ground with a pitiful whimper.

"Nächstes mal treg 'nen Eierbecher, Arschloch!"

Now my path ahead is clear! But just as I begin to move forward again, a heavy force from behind sends me sprawling face-first to the ground.

"Gotcha ya little brat!" says the voice of my attacker.

Within seconds, both my arms are yanked behind my back, and a large knee is driving down into my lower spine.

"Hey, ease up a little! You're gonna hurt her!" I recognize the voice of the guard that aimed his gun at me.

"Shut up, idiot!" the voice directly above me retorts, as the pressure holding me down increases painfully. "Seriously?! You thought this uppity little cunt would be deterred by a NERV guard brandishing a gun? How stupid are you?! She knows damn well we can't kill her!"

Somewhere to the right, the goon that I kicked wheezes something that sounds suspiciously like, "Too bad for us."

The NERV guard chokes on a retort, then sheepishly mumbles a reluctant agreement.

"Glorified mall cop," the one holding me down scoffs under his breath, before directly addressing me. "As for you-"

"Verdammter Idiot!" I scream furiously, still trying to struggle despite knowing it won't do me any good. "Lass mich los! Ich habe Auftrag von-"

"Sorry runt," my captor cuts me off, twisting my arms enough to make me grunt with pain, "I don't speak krautbitch."

"Fuck you!" I snarl at him, switching back to Japanese. "Just who the hell do you think you're manhandling?!"

"Oh believe me," he replies, an unpleasant sneer coloring his every word, "We know exactly who you are, Sohryu. We were told to expect you to attempt to commandeer Unit 02 against orders."

'Scheiße, I knew it!'

That's exactly why I wanted to avoid this from the start. Well then...

'...it probably won't work...but I'll just have to try bluffing them after all!'

"My orders have changed!" I lie, trying to sound frustrated rather than desperate. "One of the techs noticed abnormal readings from the Angel, and Major Katsuragi ordered me to get to my Eva and await further orders inside the Entry Plug!"

"Oh really?" the goon that had alerted the others to my arrival chimes in, voice sagging heavily with sarcasm. "Then why exactly did you just try to bum rush your way through five grown men twice your size rather than simply tell us that little bit of information from the start, huh?"

'Damn it, I don't know how much time I have left! I have to think fast and clear to get out of this!'

In an effort to bury my rising panic, I play up my exasperation to lend credence to the idea that I'm being held up on an official assignment.

"Well obviously I was TRYING to avoid a situation like THIS!" I snarl back, wiggling against the grip pinning me to the ground for emphasis. "I figured that Misato might have placed a few more of you meatheads than usual to guard my Eva! But she gave me my current orders in person, and because I ran here as fast as I could, I knew there was a chance that you lot hadn't been updated yet, and that you'd possibly try to stop me!"

'After all, it's not like you idiots are known for your efficiency.'

"I was in a hurry, alright?! I knew it'd be better to avoid the stupid questions and waste valuable time!"

"Tch," the one restraining me scoffs, "You expect us to believe any of that?"

With a growl of frustration, I decide to play my wild card, and hope that it pays off. "I expect YOU to NOT get in my way and HOPE that your apparent incompetence doesn't get us all murdered by that fucking monster out th-"

"Watch your mouth, brat," the one on top of me interrupts, his voice disturbingly calm despite the threatening tone. "We're going to be transporting you to temporary confinement in a moment. And if you make things difficult for us, well...accidents happen. Isn't that right, Sakuma?"

The one I kicked replies with a pained, wheezy, but clearly malevolent chuckle.

"You wouldn't DARE!" I reply, trying to sound incredulous rather than fearful.

"No," another voice cuts in, an infuriatingly familiar one, "They wouldn't."

Around me, the feet of the guards shuffle about as they turn to face the newcomer.

"Ms. Akagi," the guard restraining me answers, sounding just a little bit nervous now, "We were just uh-"

"That's 'Doctor Akagi' to you, Mr. Edano," she interrupts coldly, "And you've done your job. You're dismissed."

"Right."

The one named Edano promptly locks my wrists in handcuffs, and removes his knee from my back. A moment later, I'm dragged, none to gently to my feet.

The two NERV guards look slightly embarrassed, while the one unnamed goon watches me impassively behind the sunglasses he's still wearing for some unfathomable reason. Off to the side, the other goon, whose name is apparently Sakuma, is leaning against the lift entrance, panting slightly, face twisted with agony, yet still managing to glare daggers at me. However, my gaze is drawn to the figure standing the furthest away, presiding over the scene...and quite literally the last person I want to see right now.

'So it wasn't Misato who put the goons here...it was Doctor Bitch. Fanfuckingtastic!'

Doctor Akagi turns to Sakuma. "You go to the infirmary, and take the rest of your shift off. The rest of you," she turns to address Edano and the other Section Two goon, "Return to your original posts. I'll take over from here."

Edano and the other one nod silently and depart, while Sakuma, grimacing with pain, slowly totters his way towards the infirmary, shooting me one last hate-filled glare before departing for good.

A few minutes later, one of the NERV guards transports me to an empty tent that seems to be serving as a makeshift holding cell.

Once there, Akagi turns back to me. "I understand why you tried to do this, Asuka. I just hope you can understand why I can't let you."

"Don't patronize me, you bitch!" I spit back at her.

Akagi raises an eyebrow, looking more amused than annoyed. "I just thought perhaps you'd be relieved to know that, given the circumstances, you won't have charges brought against you for attempting to commandeeer an Evangelion for personal use."

"Personal use?!" I attempt to take a step forwards towards the older woman, but am promptly restrained by one of the NERV guards. "You mean trying to prevent YOU from committing MURDER?!"

The fake-blonde heaves a frustrated sigh, as if dealing with me is little more than a moderate annoyance. "I can understand your feelings towards the planned counterattack, but as I've told Misato, there simply isn't a better option at this time."

"And just how do you plan to go forward with this 'plan' of yours without Misato's approval, huh? She does outrank you after all."

Akagi adjusts her glasses. One lens glows bright opaque white from the floodlights overhead, while through the other, a green iris glares contemptuously. "Major Katsuragi is no longer in command of this operation."

The words crash over me like the waves of high tide over an elaborate sand castle. "Misato...she's been-"

"Temporarily relieved, that's all," Akagi finishes coolly. "Given her personal attachments to the Pilots concerned, it would not be within our best interests to keep her in command of this particular operation."

'So...that's it then. My last hope of avoiding this awful situation...gone. Well...except for-'

"I should impress upon you, Pilot Sohryu, the importance of your complete and willing cooperation in this undertaking," Akagi continues. "Your Eva's AT Field will be crucial in directing the N2 mines to their target, as well as preventing massive collateral damage to the city."

She gives me a very pointed stare. "Many of the civilians are in the provisional shelters since there wasn't time enough to evacuate to most of the primary shelters. In addition to widespread collateral damage, we could also be facing catastrophic loss of life."

'...Hikari. Not to mention, just about everyone else. If I don't...'

Damn it! She's got me in a fucking box here!

"The operation will commence at exactly 21:52," Akagi makes to exit the tent, leaving the escorting guard behind to watch over me. "Be ready, Asuka."

I refuse to respond, I simply look down at my feet, feeling the weight of hopelessness dragging me down beneath its surface.

'He's going to die. And Wondergirl too. All because he wanted to save her. All because I stomped on his heart and then kicked him when he was already down. He's going to die and it's all my fault, and what's worse...I might not be the one to pull the trigger to end his life...but I may as well be the one to hold the fucking barrel in place!'

"Look..." the fake-blonde pauses on her way out, "You may not like me very much...but I'm not so unreasonable that I can't provide you a bit of reassurance."

'Reassurance? Tch, this ought to be good.'

She straightens her glasses, but does not turn to face me. "I've talked it over with Misato and the UN Forces. We've agreed that the first few N2 mines be dropped one at time to serve as 'warning shots'. Provided that they haven't wasted all of their power, both Shinji and Rei should, theoretically, have enough time to activate their Evas and raise their AT Fields to protect themselves from the saturation bombing that will follow."

The doctor heaves another deep sigh. "It's not a perfect guarantee, of course. But it does raise their chances of survival by a very wide margin."

'...yeah, a wide margin. Considering the odds would be ZERO otherwise, that's not as comforting as you were hoping for.'

"Sure, okay," I reply dully without looking around.

For a moment, I can feel her calculating stare fixed on me.

'Heh, she probably knows that I'm not buying a word of what she just said...and consequently, she's probably guessed what I'm planning now as well.'

After a moment, Akagi departs, leaving me alone with the guard.

'I wonder if she'll have a way to stop me then. After all, without me to protect the surrounding area, even she'll be at risk of dying from the collateral explosions.'

But the question I ask myself repeatedly over the next several hours is...

'...to what extent was she bluffing earlier when she implied they'd go through with the operation even without my cooperation? And is it worth the risk of letting everyone else die if she wasn't...or worse, if the UN simply takes matters into their own hands and decides that all of us, and the whole of Tokyo 3, are completely expendable? What then?'

Periodically, I ask the guard for updates on the time. It's some time after the last time I inquired, 9:12 PM, that something begins to happen outside.


	75. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt16)

AN: Well folks, as the end of the previous scene indicated, we are nearing the climax of Chapter 8.

This is it...this is where the Jaws of God...begin to unclench.

•9:14 PM

I've spent hours in this numb stupor, just sitting here in the on-site Command Center, my face buried in my hands.

'Useless...that's what I am.'

Two of my pilots are going to die, and there isn't a damn thing I can do to stop it anymore. It doesn't matter that I didn't verbally give Ritsuko permission to take control...my inability to say anything to defy her assertion of authority was permission enough.

'Ritsuko...what's happened to you? The person I knew in college would never have just thrown lives away like this.'

And what the hell has happened to me? I know this is wrong, dammit! I can't let them do this to Shinji and Rei!

'But...what else is there to do? Even if it IS wrong...if this really is the only thing that might work, then how can I stop it from happening?!'

Asuka...

'My god...how can I ever face her again after today?!'

I can't help but feel that she might have been right from the start. Sure, I might have had good intentions in trying to stop her...but maybe those 'good intentions' of mine were just me desperately trying to atone for a mistake I never should have made in the first place; and looking back, I'm beginning to feel that I was doing it far more for my own peace of mind than Asuka's safety.

'And now that she's been detained for trying to access Unit 02 against orders, that selfishness of mine may have just cost us the only chance of saving Shinji and Rei.'

If only Asuka were here now...she'd hate me for the hollow thing I've become when faced with the sort of decision any military officer worth their salt would have had the decisiveness to resolve. And Shinji...

'What would he say if he saw me like this?'

Knowing him, if he's even still alive, he's probably counting on me to save him. He probably thinks that I'm at least pulling out all the stops and TRYING to get him back alive.

'If by some miracle he does come back alive...if I can't even imagine how to face Asuka again, how could I ever face HIM after this...after what I've done...and utterly failed to do?!'

 _"You're the first person in ten years who's actually reached out to me and showed me any real care that didn't feel like it was obligated somehow."_

'Three days ago...when he talked to me about how he nearly decided to jump...that's when he told me that. I started to cry then too...'

For the second time today, tears are streaming down my face.

"Shinji..." the name emerges from my throat choked and clotted. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

'And I've had the gall to think of him as a coward in the past...what a goddamn joke!'

Thankfully, Ritsuko, the bridge crew, and the other assorted technicians keep a respectful distance from me.

 _You mean they're giving you a healthy, wide berth...the sight of you, their formerly trusted and esteemed commanding officer pitifully moping about, isn't exactly a vision that encourages their morale after all._

"Maya," I hear Ritsuko saying, "The scheduled time for the counterattack is being moved forward from 21:52 to 21:28. Have word sent to the Detainment Unit to have the Second Child on the Plug lift with her restraints removed no later than 21:22."

Only one tiny shred of hope remains now.

'If Asuka chooses to disobey orders at the last second and takes the opportunity to dive in...maybe that will stop them from dropping the N2 mines.'

But then what?

'That'll probably just lose us our last pilot and Eva, ultimately justifying Ritsuko's awful plan after all.'

 _"The real difference between us is that I'm willing to do what has to be done. If the pilots do die as a result of our actions, they'll at least be spared the agony of slow asphyxiation. But you're so unwilling to soil your own hands with this decision, that you'd be willing to let them die the hard way just to avoid doing so!"_

Those words...they've been echoing through my mind for the last two and a half hours.

'She was right...'

What we're about to do may be wrong...

'...but she was right.'

Why does it have to be like this; where the only option to save everyone is also the coldest and most heartless? I knew there might be losses in this war...but I never dreamed it would be like this.

'Shinji...Rei...if...if we can't...if it comes to...'

"I just hope you can find a way to forgive us..."

God, I need a fucking drink right now...just to clear the smoke in my head...

 _...just to run away again like the fucking coward you are!_

'Someone...help me. I don't know what to do...help me...'

Without warning, a thunderous roar interrupts the tense calm surrounding me.

"What the-?!"

The ground beneath my feet trembles, the very air around me suddenly seems charged with violent energy.

As my ears adjust to the growing din, the cries of fright and confusion begin to sift through the atonal tumult.

'It's just like before...' my thoughts suddenly seem almost trance-like. 'It was just like this that day too...'

Heads start to turn upwards towards the sky, fingers all beginning to point to the same common nexus.

'Oh God...'

The massive orb, once so eerily motionless, is now shivering and pulsating violently. Then the white lines on the sphere vanish, turning the entire body as black and featureless as the void that swallowed-

"Sh-...Shinji?! Could it really be...?"

The surface of the globe ruptures open in a ghastly shower of blood, revealing what looks horribly like living, breathing flesh, pushing outwards in vulva-like folds through the widening blood-soaked perforation; a sick parody of human womanhood. The sight of it makes me feel nauseous with loathing.

But through the repulsive veil of blood and rupturing flesh, I see it...the broad, blue-painted back of Unit 00 widening into view.

"It's them!" I cry out in a jubilation I never would have believed possible on this day. "They're making their way out! Oh thank god..."

Seconds later, the entire upper torso of the Prototype Evangelion emerges, shoved roughly outward by...

"Shinji!"

Unit 01 has the shoulders of its sister Evangelion grasped firmly in its hands and seems to be pushing against them with all his might, trying to break them free from the confines of their gory prison.

I feel myself starting to cry again. "They're alive! Oh god, they're al-"

That's when I notice it...the horrid thing protruding from the belly of Unit 00, and how savagely the blue Evangelion seems to be fighting..,not against the imprisoning Angel, but against the purple titan struggling with all its might to save them both.

"What the hell is happening up there?!" I cry out to the unhearing, horror-transfixed mass of humanity around me. "Why is Rei-...why is Unit 00 fighting against Shinji?!"

"The communication channel to Unit 00 is being jammed somehow!" Maya Ibuki replies, sounding as terrified as I feel. "We can't contact the pilot at all! It's like something is intentionally blocking the signal!"

At these words, I see Ritsuko's face drain of all color, as if she has just come to some grisly realization.

But before I can even begin to form another question, I see a sight that makes my heart sink like lead in raging waters; the pale light of the purple Evangelion's eyes goes dark...and Unit 01 collapses, falling atop its hostile, viciously thrashing companion...utterly helpless and at its enemy's mercy, the last of its power...gone.

There is but one word able to escape my trembling lips as I watch what begins to unfold.

"...no..."


	76. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt17)

AN: The time stamp on this next one might seem a little odd. Suffice it to say that time is 'weird' inside of Leliel...at least during the period he contacts Shinji and Rei. It could perhaps be theorized that Leliel's responses to Shinji and Rei, while seeming more or less instant to them, might have (in actual time), taken several long minutes (perhaps dozens of minutes in some cases) to form and articulate.

If Leliel's speech could be recorded, it might sound like an deep, atonal droning/rumbling that would have to be sped up dozens of times before individual words could be picked out.

But, I digress. Now...it's Shinji's turn to show us how the Jaws of God have begun to unclench :)

 _"Cold days_

 _Old ways_

 _Told lies_

 _No more_

 _So many years to clean the slate_

 _Endless despair within it's wake_

 _His touch soiling what used to be clean_

 _His gaze burning on the edge of our dreams"_

 _"Hear him spewing forth a meaning to miserable lies_

 _See the twisted hand of doubt seal the affair_

 _The insect trust_

 _Believer_

 _Our body a vehicle to him just the same"_

*NOTE*: Normally, I'd insert the link for the song here...but this time, I'm going to put where the song would start if this were actually a movie/tv show

- **'Heir Apparent'** by Opeth

•8:52 PM

"Y-you're...the Angel?!"

Actually, it's not that hard for me to believe. After all, what else could this strange, unnatural presence be? I began to suspect it as soon as I saw the black and white shirt it wore, but still...

'Hearing it just...acknowledge the truth so openly...'

I didn't expect that.

 ** _"Yes. I understand that this is what the 'others' call me."_**

"...isn't that what you are?"

The Angel remains silent for a moment. Then... **_"I am...'I'. That is the only designation I have ever known prior to this."_**

"You keep talking about the...'others'. Is that what your kind calls us?" I slowly rise to my feet, still not taking my eyes off of the strange doppelgänger that is apparently a manifestation of the sphere shaped Angel that swallowed me. "Are you talking about 'humans'?"

Another long silence follows, and it's all I can do not to break eye contact with the Angel's unblinking stare.

'If I look away...who knows what it might do to me...'

The thought sends a shudder down my spine.

 ** _"The one named Rei Ayanami asked the same question,"_** the Angel replies at last. **_"It was only through that question that I learned there were additional beings like myself that had come before...and who may come after as well. I...do not kn-"_**

The moment I hear the name of my fellow pilot, the rest of the Angel's response ceases to matter to me.

'Rei! The bastard still has Rei!'

My hands clench into fists as my terror mutates into violent anger.

"Where...is...she?" I hiss from between clenched teeth.

 ** _"Rei Ayanami is safe,"_** the Angel replies.

I blink in momentary surprise, before hardening my resolve once more. "Show me. Let me speak to her!"

Another brief silence. **_"I...cannot. It is...not possible here."_**

"Not...possible?!" The rage boiling in my veins becomes white hot, searing my limbs into a whirl of vengeful motion. "LIAR!"

In less than three seconds, I've covered the distance between myself and the imposter that's stolen my appearance. "Where is she?!" Seizing it's 'shirt' in my fists, I slam it against the window behind its seat. "Tell me, you bastard! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?!"

There seems to be perceivable material within my grip...but I can't feel it; it's like I'm grasping solid, stagnant air in my fists. And the way the body moves with my actions is all wrong; the legs remain immobile in their seated position, causing the torso to stretch and elongate as the shoulders are pushed backwards. The shoulders themselves, while they don't resist or push back against my attack, do not tilt backwards against the opposing force.

The impossibiliy of what I'm witnessing and 'not' feeling makes my head swirl with instinctive confusion...but the worst is the doppelgänger's expression, which even in the face of my furious assault, remains completely unmoving...except for the eyes. Those eyes never blink, but remain locked with mine. The sight is...chilling, and for a moment, my resolve wavers.

But then, I remember...

 _"It is true that I can be replaced...but I do not wish to be."_

The smile with which Rei spoke those words to me fills my mind...

 _"...And I shall not be."_

...and fire begins to rage within my every sinew...every pore...every nerve ending! Every fiber of my being screams with the same words that bellow forth from my lips.

"I want Rei!" I snarl at the hideously expressionless abomination before me. "GIVE HER BACK!"

(*cue music*: 'Heir Apparent' by Opeth...the opening riff is LOUD, so check your volume first)

I draw back my fist, not caring...even relishing that the image I intend to strike down is that of my own likeness.

But as the first blow begins to hurtle forward, the entire world around us pulsates violently...and for the first time, the eyes that are identical to mine break contact, shifting to the side, staring at something I cannot see.

In my surprise, I blink...and open my eyes to see that my surroundings have completely vanished...replaced once more by darkness.

I can't see anything...but I can feel a familiar chair beneath me.

'I...I'm back in the Entry Plug?!'

I reach out, and take hold of the butterfly controls.

'I'll probably just end up wasting what's let of my battery power...'

My fists tighten on the twin yokes until I feel that my knuckles will burst forth from the confines of the plugsuit gloves.

'...but I'll be damned if I just sit here in the dark, just waiting for this fucking thing to kill her!'

A fire is burning within...and it wreathes my soul with its warmth, breathing life back into my mind and heart.

'I'll get her out of here...or I'll die trying!'

Around me, the Plug cycles through its plethora of light shows as something deep within Unit 01 thrums and pulsates to life once more. Within seconds, the visual monitor settles to reveal-

"Huh?! What the...?!"

The white nothingness in which I had been imprisoned for so many hours has turned to black. And standing before me, perhaps two-hundred meters away...

'Unit 00...'

"REI!"

'My god...this isn't some other trick of the Angel is it?! Is she...is she really...?'

Numb with disbelieving relief, I take a tentative step forward towards the blue titan.

'Wha-? I...I can move again?'

The blackness appears at, first glance, to be just as featureless as the white emptiness that surrounded me before, and yet...there is a subtle tangibility about it now.

Wait! The Eva's senses...

'Yes...not only can the Eva move, it can hear and feel again!'

And I can feel something around me.

'I don't know how to describe it...but it's like my entire surroundings are...alive somehow.'

It's almost like...a heartbeat.

'A heartbeat that I can feel all around my Eva rather than hear out loud...'

I take a few steps forward, fighting to suppress the growing sense of foreboding that threatens to dampen my resolve.

'I think the 'pulse' is growing faster and getting stronger. God this is creepy...'

I take another step forward. Ahead of me, Unit 00 stands motionless. However...if I look closely...

'The eye...its glowing!'

All my doubts and hesitancy are promptly tossed out the window as I throw caution to the wind, and send Unit 01 barreling towards its sister Evangelion. Still, in order to avoid a collision, I slow myself down a short distance away.

"Rei!" I cry out as I attempt to open the comm channel. "It's me! It's me, Shinji! Are you alright?!"

But to my dismay, the comm's window display once again displays the words 'No Signal'.

'Damn it!'

Stopping directly in front of Unit 00, I reach out with Unit 01's hand, hoping that if I physically touch the Eva, Rei will be able to feel it.

'She could be in some weird trance,' I think to myself. 'After all,' I add with a scowl of loathing, 'That's what the Angel did to me! Maybe I can-'

But my thoughts come to a violent, screeching halt the moment my Eva's hand makes contact with the blue-armored shoulder of the other.

"Aaaaaagh!" I cry out in pain as the comm channel, which I had cranked to full volume in case the connection was poor even if it had begun to work, explodes into my eardrums with the deafening drone of static.

The noise immediately ceases when I instinctively draw back Unit 01's hand.

'Of course! I remember Ms. Ritsuko informing me during a briefing that if an Eva's communication channel is jammed, damaged, or otherwise compromised, we can open a provisional channel with our fellow pilots if our Eva makes physical contact with theirs.'

I hastily begin to reduce the volume as I reach for Unit 00's shoulder. The second my hand makes contact, I hear it; a voice heavily marred by static...but still completely recognizable as that of Rei Ayanami.

 **"...-erstand why...YOU CAN'T!...mustn't!...let you..."**

"REI!" I cry out in fear and relief. "Thank god you're alive! Don't worry, I'll-"

 **"Shinji?!"**

Cold horror washes away my relief as quickly as it came. Never did I believe that I would hear Rei sound more terrified than she did several hours prior when the Angel first swallowed her. But what I'm hearing now isn't just terror...it's panic.

 **"Shinji...ha-...-oth...out of here!"**

I can hear her voice fairly clearly despite the garbling...but the screen only displays gray, rippling static. Though...if I look closely enough...I think I can just make out what seems to be the image of a humanoid figure, clutching frantically at its own head.

"Rei! What's wrong?! What's happening in there?!"

 **"Unit 00...-ing...Angel...I CA-..."**

'The Angel...'

I feel numb with the panic now growing inside of me.

'It's doing something to Unit 00! How do I stop it?! What the hell do I do?!'

 **"...-LP M-...!"**

Louder bursts of crackling static are now erupting through the buzzing din...as if Rei were banging her fists helplessly against the inside of the Entry Plug!

'I don't understand what's happening! Unit 00 hasn't even moved at all!'

 **"SHINJI, HELP M-"**

The static suddenly rises in volume and completely opaques the screen, but not before the figure in the sea of static suddenly clutches its face and-...

 **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"**

The bloodcurdling scream is abrulty cut off...as is the static...as all turns to ghastly silence...save for my own gasping, terrified breathing.

Unit 00, in contrast to its pilot, has remained as silent and immobile as it was before I approached it...as if nothing had happened at all.

"R-Rei?" I call out, physically unable to speak louder than a whisper.

The comm screen is once again displaying the words, 'No Signal'...just like before...

'...just like before when it swallowed her...'

"R-Rei?!" Tears of fright are starting to spill down my cheeks.

Deafening silence is my only response.

"Rei..." my voice is choked and constricted with terror. "Rei, p-please..."

'No...please...NOT LIKE THIS! NOT NOW!'

"REI!" I seize Unit 00 by both shoulders and begin to shake it back and forth. "REI! Please answer me!"

Silence...

"Please...not like th-...what the-?"

Unit 00 abruptly comes to life...and roughly grabs my arms, pushing and throwing them off and away hard enough to nearly send me toppling backward.

"Rei?! W-What are you doing?!"

Unit 00 completely ignores me, and turns and walks away before I've even finished speaking.

After walking several dozen meters, the blue titan pauses, staring at the 'ground' beneath it with its red, cyclopean eye lens.

'What the hell is it doing? Was Rei able to retake control somehow?!'

It's a comforting thought...and one that doesn't last long.

Unit 00 takes hold of the V-shaped blue armor plate covering its middle abdomen...and tears it open straight down the middle, before tossing the two halves aside, and revealing the brownish-colored flesh beneath.

Then, it suddenly reaches down, plunging its right arm up to the elbow into the 'floor' beneath its feet, causing a shower of blood to spatter across the upper arm, up as high as the base of the shoulder pylon.

A moment later, Unit 00 straightens up and savagely rips the arm back out of what should have been only black nothingness...but is clearly a mass of flesh and blood beneath the inky, featureless surface. And in its blood-reddened fist...is a thick, faintly glistening, rope-like mass of tissue, which the Eva then presses against the now exposed flesh of its midriff.

I watch, in horrstruck paralysis, as a shapeless, gaping, mouth-like cavity opens within the expanse of exposed flesh, like some grotesque, misshapen flower...and then closes around the rope of flesh. Immediately upon making contact, the two masses of tissue bulge and mutate, fusing into a solid connection of flesh between the Angel and Eva.

Unit 00 throws back its head, emitting a muffled, but still deafening roar from its unseen mouth, and begins to shudder and contort violently, stumbling backward for a moment...before abruptly arching its back with its arms splayed widely outwards, driving both hands deep into what must be the Angel's flesh, forcibly holding itself in place.

"Oh god..."

It's all I can do not to vomit or faint at what I've just witnessed.

'And just what the hell AM I witnessing?!'

"Is...the Angel-?"

I stare at Unit 00. Still bellowing and writhing against its self-imposed restraints, the blue Evangelion stomps each of its feet downward until they, like its hands, are sunken deep into the solid darkness that surrounds us.

Now forced by its imprisonment to stand nearly upright, the positioning of its body bears an uncanny resemblance to that of the odd, elongated cross-shaped pillar of light caused by the Third Angel's self-destruction.

But any interest I might've had in this strange coincidence is quickly forgotten when my eyes shift downward to the umbilical-like connection...and see it throbbing horribly as some unknown substance flows from the Angel into the Eva's belly. But even worse...are the changes that seem to be taking place beneath the Eva's armor.

 _"Unit 00...-ing...Angel...I CA-..."_

Rei's frantic statement from before, coupled with the sight of what is unmistakably the flesh of Unit 00 expanding and trying to burst forth from beneath the confines of the armor, make it all abundantly clear.

'It's trying to fuse with Unit 00?!'

I turn towards the battery timer...and feel my stomach plummet. Only twenty-three seconds are left.

'I'm out of time. For once in my life...I have to be decisive.'

Even as that last thought just begins to enter my brain, my right shoulder collides with Unit 00's upper torso; for as soon as I realized just how little time was left, I began to make my move.

'If I ram into Unit 00 while it's distracted, while unfurling my AT Field at full power...perhaps I could use Unit 00 as a battering ram to break us both out of here. And if I'm lucky, not only could I get us both out of here, but perhaps both the Angel and Unit 00 will be too stunned to react immmediately, and then I can use the Progressive Knife to cut that connection between them!'

Before my eyes had even fully shifted from the timer to my target, I mentally commanded Unit 01 to break into a full sprint...and no sooner had four seconds passed, than I sent Unit 01 plowing, shoulder-first, with all the strength I could muster, into Unit 00.

The now visibly swelling Evangelion had just enough time to raise its cyclopean visage to face my onslaught before the colossal impact, and aided by an AT Field concentrated around my right shoulder, lifted the blue titan off its feet, and blasted it backward with enough force and momentum to rip both of its arms out from its restraints.

'Now...to carve a way out of here.'

Still hurtling forward with the seemingly dazed Unit 00 draped over my shoulder, I feel the surrounding black mass begin to resist and press back against us.

With another mental command, I unfurl Unit 01's AT Field at full power, directing it into the solid emptiness at Unit 00's back.

The effect is instantaneous...the tangible void seems to tear like a membranous veil. And as the inky 'veil' ruptures, it reveals, just as it did when set upon by Unit 00, raw flesh and a shower of scarlet blood. But beyond the gory horror before me, I can see it...the familiar skyline of Tokyo-3 beneath an indigo night sky!

'I...I can't believe it! If I can just get us out of here, we'll be s-'

*Wham!*

Blunt pain erupts in my abdomen! And as I feel the weight on my right shoulder begin to writhe and struggle, the cause becomes immediately apparent.

*WHAM!*

One more breath-stealing strike nearly makes me double over.

'Damn it!' I cry out in mental frustration. 'I have to cut that umbilical thing before it's too late!'

Both to catch my opponent off guard and to give me a bit of distance, I allow myself to roll slightly backward with the second blow. Unit 00, not expecting my feigning maneuver, fails to react quickly enough to prevent me from seizing both its shoulders and pushing, with all of the vast might at my command, through the bleeding chasm and out into the night air.

For the second time today, I release the Progressive Knife in Unit 01's left shoulder pylon, and try to reach for it.

But beneath me, Unit 00 begins to thrash about wildly, bellowing so maniacally with rage that it's strangely muffled cry begins to sound more like a screech than a roar.

'It's all I can do just to prevent it from hitting me again, even using both hands to press against it!'

But I know I'm going to run out of power any second now, and then...

'...we'll both be goners. God knows, I don't want to risk hurting Rei...but it looks like I'm going to have to risk it!'

Transferring the weight to pin down my opponent entirely to my right arm for a moment, I strike Unit 00 in the skull with several light blows from my left fist, meant to disorient rather than injure.

'I don't dare look at the timer!' I tell myself as I feel a frantic compulsion to check the racing numbers I can see, but not properly read in my peripheral vision, hurtling their way down to zero. 'I just know that seeing how little time I have left will only distract me now!'

Fortunetly, Unit 00's seems to slacken just a little beaneath me from the distracting blows, and I seize the opportunity to pin the blue Evangelion down by the throat with my left hand, and use the other to reach for the Prog Knife while both of Unit 00's hands, now grasping uselessly at my left forearm arm, are unable to stop me.

'If I can get a hold of the knife, I can cut the connection to the Angel! That may not break the mental hold it has over Unit 00, but maybe it'll disrupt it for a moment...hopefully at least long enough for me push Rei out of here and to safety.'

Of course...I probably won't make it out of here myself.

'That's okay. As long as Rei makes it out of this...I don't care what happens. I just hope Asuka, Misato, and the others can find a way to-'

Before my fingers can close around the protruding hilt of the Prog Knife, the window of the still opened comm channel to Unit 00 suddenly flashes and comes to life...displaying a clear image for the first time since the Angel swallowed us both.

"Rei!" I whisper, this time unable to prevent myself from turning to look.

Her head is tilted downward at an odd angle, hiding her face from view.

"Rei!" I cry out, "Are you-?"

Unit 00 thrashes beneath my slackened grip, freeing itself from my grasp...but not before the jolt of motion causes Rei's position on the comm screen to shift...revealing her face to me at last.

The loud *BEEP* of the timer reaching zero is utterly drowned out by the sound of the piercing screams reverberating off the walls of the Plug.

Then...everything fades into a stranglehold of airless silence.


	77. Unclenching The Jaws Of God (pt18)

Hey folks! I know its been a little while, but I finally managed to hammer out the next (and last) installment of Chapter 8.

Sadly, I don't have anything written beyond this point...so, I'll be going on hiatus again for a bit. Hopefully not too long though :)

And now, without further ado, we shall bring Chapter 8 to a close through the eyes of our red-headed antiheroine.

 _"Trapped in purgatory_

 _A lifeless object, alive_

 _Awaiting reprisal_

 _Death will be their acquittance_

 _The sky is turning red_

 _Return to power draws near_

 _Fall into me, the sky's crimson tears_

 _Abolish the rules made of stone"_

/6M4HtTZ8iGM

-" **Raining Blood** " by Slayer

•9:19 PM

I snap myself upright as the ground begins to tremble.

"Was zum T-...?" The rest of the question is drowned out by the deafening sound of rending matter.

The guard's face turns pale with dread as he moves to poke his head outside the tent.

He looks at what's happening for barely a second before turning back to me. "Sohryu! Get over here!"

Having already risen to my feet and knowing full well why I've been called over, I quickly walk to the entrance to join the guard, and turn around to present him the wrists cuffed behind my back.

His hands are shaking, but he seems to insert the key into the lock fairly quickly.

"I'm sorry about what happened back there," the guard is saying a little sheepishly as the key fumbles for a moment, then releases the restraints with a click. "I had no idea Akagi was g-"

"Save it and fuck off!" I cut him off curtly, only pausing a moment to rub my wrists, wondering idly if there'll be bruising there later from how tightly the cuffs were fastened. "Out of the way!"

Thankfully, despite looking slightly wounded by my response, the man quickly stands aside. But as I run past him, I hear him whisper, "Good luck!"

When I hear that, and remember that it's same guard that rebuked Edano for getting rough with me, I actually do feel a pang of guilt for my caustic reply...but only for a moment.

'I shouldn't feel too bad about it...that oaf pointed a fucking gun at me after all! AND because HE slowed me down, I got captured!'

Despite that last bitter thought, I can't help but consider the possibility that the guard in question was just doing his job, and tried to do it in a way that would prevent me from actually being hurt.

"Fat lot of good that did anyone," I mutter impatiently, feeling slightly annoyed at my uncharacteristic second guessing as I pelt full speed towards the lift once more.

When I arrive, I see only one NERV guard, too busy staring at the sky with a stricken, deathly pale face to notice that I've breezed right past him to the lift.

'I sure am lucky the detainment unit was so close by,' I think to myself as I slide the card and the platform begins to rise towards my Entry Plug. 'And so are the rest of these idiots for that matter!' I add on irritably, as I turn around to look at the Angel. 'If I'd been any further away, who knows what might've-'

My train of thought completely evaporates as I attempt to comprehend the sight my eyes are beholding.

I had skillfully avoided looking at the source of the sudden upheaval that allowed me to go free, knowing that doing so for even a moment would cost me precious time...and I was rewarded by making it here to this point in just about twenty seconds. But now that I see what's happening, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be too late anyway.

The 'sea of shadow' beneath the floating orb is rippling like raging waters in a storm and the surface, even as I watch, is violently rupturing apart into huge, red-lined cracks.

'Blood...' I think to myself, 'It looks like it's full of blood!'

Above the roiling chaos, the awful sphere, now turned from zebra-patterned to solid black, is itself beginning to bulge grotesquely. Then, right before the platform reaches the Entry Plug door, the writhing salient pushing against the sphere's surface suddenly, and with an enormous geyser of blood erupting forth, splits open vertically in a shape suspiciously reminiscent of...

'Are the Angels actually capable of being that perverted...or is it all just weird coincidence that some of them are Freudian horrors?'

Normally, such a question of myself would be mildly amusing...but after seeing what this Angel is capable of, and with the unsettling possibility that it might be far more intelligent than the lumbering kaijus that preceded it...perhaps it's not so far fetched to think that it could be capable of perverse behavior. Still...

'What could the actual purpose of this disgusting transformation be? Could it be 'giving birth' to a newer and stronger form of ITSELF?!'

Between the ragged lips of the widening fissure, beneath a curtain of scarlet blood, something immense is being pushed outward; something metallic...and a familiar sky blue in color.

"Unit 00..." I breathe out in a disbelieving whisper, the very moment the lift comes to a halt at its destination.

The temptation to stand there watching the grisly spectacle is momentary, but it's there, and it takes a conscious effort to tear my eyes from the sight and turn around to clamber into the Entry Plug.

As the elliptical cylinder gyrates into position and fills with LCL, I can't help but marvel a bit at the strangeness of what I'm feeling at this very moment.

'Sure, I never really wanted to see Wondergirl get killed, much less eaten alive...'

The orange fluid begins to flash in the plethora of colors I've become so accustomed to over all these years.

'...but I never imagined that I'd actually be happy to see her alive! And if she's alive, then maybe...'

The opaque swirl of lights and patterns melts away at last to reveal the world outside of Unit 02...and see the second figure that is emerging from within the Angel's widening cleft, trying its hardest to free them both by pushing Unit 00 ahead of it as if the Eva were an oddly shaped plow.

I don't honestly know how I expected to react if I actually saw him again...but I guess I was expecting my relief to be...louder and more external somehow. But now that it's actually happening, I find myself utterly speechless. What I'm feeling, though...I don't know that my voice could express it properly, no matter how hard I try. Except that...

"...Baka..."

'I feel...warm.'

Every part of me that has felt hollow and dead since I watched him disappear feels like... it feels...I feel...the same way I did when he...

'...when he held me that night.'

For that one tiny moment before I ruined everything...

'...it felt like, just for a moment, that everything was going to be alr-'

The blue Evangelion suddenly emits a deafening roar and launches a vicious knee-strike into its rescuer's torso.

'...what the-'

It takes a moment for the reality of what I'm witnessing to dispel the haze of emotions.

'Unit 00 is...but WHY?!'

Even as I watch...before I can even begin to formulate, let alone act out any possible rescue attempt, Unit 01 is struck again with a knee to the abdomen and is pushed backwards, forced to unwillingly relinquish its hold upon its hostile sibling.

'He...he risked his life to save you, dammit!'

Now freed from the purple titan's grip, Unit 00 begins to attack with its fists. The haphazard blows are clumsy and inefficient...but terrifying in their unrelenting savagery.

I instinctively urge Unit 02 forward at full speed as waves of searing, white-hot rage, so intense that it makes me feel nauseous, surge through my every nerve as I squeeze the comm channel button with enough force to feel the plastic trigger crack beneath my fingers. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, AYANAMI?!"

But the First Child's end of the comm channel answers with nothing but the drone of white noise, the screen displaying only the crackling snow of static.

"Damn you, First!" I cry out in frustration. "Answer me!"

But even as I say this, my eyes finally notice it...

'What...the fuck...is THAT?!'

A thick, pulsating rope of flesh protrudes from the belly of the blue Evangelion and extends into the darkness within the Angel's ruptured body.

"Is that-...?" I begin to say to myself, before Akagi's voice interrupts.

 **"Asuka! Unit 00 is most likely being controlled by the Angel via that umbilical-like connection!"**

As I sprint forward, I can see Unit 01 counterattacking, and regaining the advantage with several well placed strikes to its adversary's face.

 **"We have to sever that connection! Stop in 320 meters, then turn left and go 115 meters to the north! We're going to send you a pistol via a weapon si..."**

I don't know if Akagi has stopped talking or not...but it hardly matters.

'Oh Gott...'

I see it out of the corner of my eye...the purple Evangelion suddenly slumping lifelessly forward, draping itself over the hostile blue titan like the falling of a final curtain.

'The battery...'

"Shinji...no..."

With an awful snarl that rises near instantly in pitch and volume to a maddened scream, Unit 00 seizes the helpless Unit 01 by the throat with both hands and begins to squeeze with all its might.

My entire body goes numb as I watch the blue titan first begin to strangle its prone sibling, then use its AT Field to push both itself and its victim upright. Forced back to a standing position, Unit 01 instantly crumples, kneeling docile and motionless before the crazed Prototype Evangelion looming overhead. With the leverage of its grip now vastly improved, Unit 00 tightens its grip even more, the savage pressure now beginning to tilt its victim's horned head backward at a sickening angle, the sound of twisting, compressing metal now clearly audible even at this distance.

Transfixed with horror, I ignore the turn I was supposed to make and simply continue to hurtle towards the grotesque, airborne spectacle. But my blind dash is violently interrupted when Unit 02 clips the side of a building I failed to sidestep or brace myself against. The impact throws off my balance, and further hindered by the listless and painful swaying of my now useless left hand, I find myself suddenly struggling not to tumble to the ground.

'That's just what I need,' I rage bitterly inside my head, 'To not only fail at every stage of this battle, but to utterly fucking humiliate myself while that monster kills Shinji right before my eyes!'

But miraculously, I manage to win the battle against gravity and remain standing. It is then that I become aware of a frantic, almost enraged voice screaming at me over the comm channel.

 **"-suka! Asuka, what are you doing?! Get to the weapons silo, NOW!"**

I almost swear back at Akagi as a reflex...before it occurs to me that she's absolutely right. Without a weapon, there's not a damn thing I can do to help.

I take one last look at the battle turned attempted murder...and notice how the flesh of the Angel seems to be simultaneously repairing itself and cloistering around Unit 01 and Unit 00, drawing both the limp body and its assailant back into the folds of the womb-like opening.

'If I don't turn away now...'

But what does it matter? I'm too late. I've already failed. As soon as I turn away, it'll all be over...and he'll be dead.

 _Really, you're going to give up now?! You're going to give up and let this Angel beat you? I don't think so!_

...

No. If even she is willing to see this through...

'...then there's no way I'm letting myself give up now!'

"Hang in there Shinji," I say quietly, looking over my shoulder one last time before running towards the weapon silo Akagi indicated, "I promise I'll save you..."

'...if it's the last thing I do!'

Within seconds, I'm more than halfway to my destination and begin to slow down...and that's when I feel it...a sudden, titanic surge of power from behind.

"What the-?"

'DONT TURN AROUND!' I reach the silo and retrieve the Eva-scale pistol. 'Um Gottes willen, stay on on target!'

As I move to turn around, the air begins to vibrate with a deafening roar.

'That's not Unit 00...'

I begin to run back towards the Angel, now properly armed with a weapon I can wield one-handed. And as I draw nearer, I see the source of the disturbance.

'Unit 01 reactivated?! But how?!'

But my confusion is eclipsed entirely by relief, and a renewed sense of hope.

The purple Evangelion rapidly rises to its feet, grabbing the forearms of the hands still trying to snap its neck. Once more, the air fills with sound of creaking metal, before...

CRACK!

The sickening crunch of gigantic bones splintering like firewood cuts through the general din like gunfire. Unit 00 releases its sibling, both hands dangling uselessly from forearms crushed to a fraction of their original width.

Shrieking with a mixture of pain and fury, the blue titan attempts to bash its adversary with its skull, only to be almost casually swatted aside by a vicious backhand from Unit 01.

Staggering from the blow, Unit 00 is unable to block or even react to the colossal purple fist that seizes it by the throat.

Time seems to freeze for a moment as the purple titan holds the struggling Unit 00 aloft in the grip of its right fist.

Then, with a bone trembling roar of rage, eyes radiating a pallid, baleful light, Unit 01 projects its AT Field in a violent, surging wave.

The Angel flesh that had begun to fuse with its armor evaporates, freeing both Evas and destroying nearly half of the Angel's remaining mass...including the area holding both Units aloft.

Both Units promptly begin to hurtle to the ground, Unit 01 still grasping the other by the throat, propelled even faster by the residual force of Unit 01's AT Field surge, and crash through an apartment building with enough force to turn the entire structure to dust into the blink of an eye.

'How the hell did he-...?'

Not that I'm complaining, but still...

'Something isn't right here...'

The cloud of dust clears as I use my AT Field to sweep it aside...and there I see Unit 00, still with its throat firmly clasped within Unit 01's fist, lying flat on its back in a deep crater, partially submerged in a pool of the blood still raining down from the Angel's ruptured body.

With a vicious snarl, Unit 01 draws back its free left arm, and begins to violently strike the downed Unit 00 in the face, hard enough that the blue Evangelion's cyclopean visage begins to sink further into the ground.

'What the-...?!'

That's not like him...Shinji would NEVER-

Unit 00's thrashing begins to fade into a feeble stirring...but I also notice that the 'umbilical cord' seems to be pulsing faster and with more visible throbbing than before.

'Trying to play possum, huh?'

Without further hesitation, I pull the Progressive Knife from my right shoulder pylon and dive down into the crater, landing intentionally on Unit 00's legs, pinning them down by kneeling diagonally across its thighs.

As I was expecting, with its feinting maneuver revealed, the blue Eva simply begins to struggle once more...but now, with two Evas pinning it down, and all four of its limbs heavily damaged, it can do little more than squirm pitifully.

'Even so, if the Angel is able to force the rest of itself into Unit 00 and use it as a new vessel, it might be able to heal itself...I have to finish this now. No more mistakes, no more wasting time...'

I draw the knife back and...with a slash as near to Unit 00's abdomen as I can strike without risking hitting the Evangelion itself, I slice through the tube of flesh, cleaving it cleanly in two.

The moment the 'umbilical cord' falls away, it rapidly breaks down and melts into the same blood-like fluid now filling the crater high enough to nearly submerge Unit 00. I turn my gaze skyward for a moment...just in time to see the last of the Angel dissipating into 'blood' and nothingness.

Something moves weirdly in my peripheral vision to the left, and I turn my head in alarm to face the potential threat.

But what I saw was only Unit 00 raising its shattered, useless right arm in what would have been a skyward reach...if the hand and lower half of the forearm weren't dangling nauseatingly to the side.

'Its...over. We've won.'

I turn to look at Unit 01...and feel a fearful shiver crawl up my spine. The purple titan is staring directly at me...not at Unit 02, at ME! I can feel it, and what's more...I can feel something else too.

'That isn't Shinji...'

He might still be in the Evangelion...

'...but the THING staring at me...those aren't his eyes.'

But it's not attacking me either, so I turn my attention back to Unit 00. By now though, the fallen Evangelion is too feeble to even struggle anymore...the raising of its ruined arm seeming to devour the last of its strength.

And then a sound fills the air, issuing from the blue titan's unseen mouth; and unlike before, it is not the maddened snarling or bloodcurdling screech of a berserker, but a pained, drawn out moan...almost as if the beast were crying out in despair.

'It almost...sounds like it's sobbing.'

The sound is so anguished and pitiful that I nearly stand up to remove the pressure from its broken legs...but by the time I've decided that it's safe to stand up, the raised right arm has fallen limply back into the lake of Angel 'blood' with a heavy splashing sound, and the Evangelion has gone completely silent...the red optical lense turning dark and lifeless.

'...lifeless...oh Gott, Wondergirl!'

I never thought I'd feel such concern for the strange, doll-like albino...but after everything that's happened today, and how much Shinji went through to save her...how could I NOT care a little.

I open the comm channel to Unit 01...and just like with Unit 00, the audio and visual are choked with static.

Even so though...

"Shinji?" I call out into the void of white noise. "I...don't know if you can hear me or not...but I need your help to get Unit 00 out of this crater, so that the rescue team can get to Rei. Can you do that?"

There is no reply, except...an infinitesimal, almost imperceptible little fluctuation of both the audible and visible static. For some reason, it almost feels like...a tiny nod of acknowledgement.

A moment later, Unit 01 bends down above Unit 00's head, and grips it firmly under the shoulders. I hurriedly rise to my feet and grab Unit 00 by the legs. Together, we carry the broken titan out of the crater and back to solid ground, the body swinging disconsolately from side to side with the motion.

It seems to take an age, but it probably takes less than fifteen seconds to place Unit 00 down on flat ground and turn it over onto its belly.

The moment we've done so, Unit 01 collapses face-first to the ground, as lifeless as the other...and within a few more seconds, both Entry Plugs are ejected remotely and the rescue teams are swarming around both.

Without bothering to ask permission, I immediately do the same and climb my way out of the Entry Plug down to the street as fast as I can without falling to my death.

Upon reaching the ground, I notice Dr. Akagi leading a small team of medical technicians pushing a gurney bearing a motionless, blue-haired figure, whose entire upper body is covered in-...

'Blood?! WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THAT BLOOD COME FROM?!'

Just what the fuck did the Angel do to her?!

'Is she even...could she be...'

But I see the way the technicians are rushing while still treading carefully...and feel a wave of relief.

'So at least it wasn't all for nothing that he-'

The thought hits me in the stomach like a lead weight being swung on a rope.

"Shinji!" I cry out as I run towards the other fallen Eva, no longer giving a damn if anyone hears or sees me act this way.

"Asuka!"

I see Misato running towards me, arms outstretched, tears streaming down her face. Before I can protest, she seizes me in a tight embrace.

"Shinji," I ask without preamble, "Is he-...?"

"He's alive!" Misato's voice is choked with tears, but she sounds positively overjoyed. "He's going to be okay!"

I find myself unable to say anything in response...but I can't help but allow myself to smile peacefully over Misato's shoulder.

'Welcome back...Baka.'


	78. Four Little Words

AN: Hey there everyone! I was originally going to wait until I had more written before posting again, but...I couldn't resist. So, now we begin Chapter 9.

Sadly, I haven't completed the next segment yet (progress has been EXTREMELY slow, not least because this Chapter is another one that is and will be a very emotionally taxing one), so it might be some time before the next update after this.

But for now, here's Misato, along with Asuka, at Shinji's bedside.

* * *

Chapter 9-Four Little Words

•11:36 PM, Sunday October 18, 2015

On the other side of the curtain separating Shinji from the rest of the room, I hear the sound of stirring; it would seem that the room's other occupant has awakened. Sure enough, a moment later, the far corner of the curtain twitches slightly, and a cerulean eye peers cautiously at the unconscious boy.

"It's okay Asuka, he's still asleep," I tell her, feeling mildly amused by the girl's uncharacteristically timid behavior.

The girl, clearly not wanting to be seen acting in such a way, promptly squeaks with surprised embarrassment, and vanishes behind the curtain again.

I try to spare her feelings, I really do...but I can't help it. With a loud snort of laughter, I finally goad Asuka out of hiding.

"The hell are you laughing at, Misato?" growls the redheaded pilot, rubbing tiredly at the shadows under her eyes.

"Oh nothing," I reply ever-so-innocently, waving an airy hand.

"Hmph!" Asuka plops down in the chair next to mine, folding her arms and pouting in a decidedly un-adult manner.

But as her eyes focus on the convalescent Shinji, her expression softens gradually as the moments pass...there's even a brief moment where I see her smiling softly, as if too lost in thought to know it's there.

It's all I can do not to start giggling at the girl's expense again.

'I really should cut her some slack and not tease her so much...'

Although I must have been grinning at least a little given how, when she looks sideways at me, Asuka glowers at me before she turns away, inclining her nose in disgust.

'...but she's just too cute when she acts like this!'

But even the mirth that comes with seeing Asuka acting like a classic tsundere doesn't last long before giving way to the sobering weight of what's happened over the last eleven hours.

Today marked a whole new level of horror in the war against the Angels. And a part of me can't help but wonder...if the battle that took place today is just the beginning of...

'...what if all the battles that follow are just like this...or worse?'

I look down at the sleeping teenager on the bed, feeling the claws of anxiety tearing at my insides.

'You idiot, Shinji!' I think to myself, remembering the unspeakable horror of watching his Eva sink into the Angel's body and out of sight. 'Could've gotten yourself killed...'

On the other hand though...

'His actions may be the only reason Rei isn't dead...or worse. The Angel...'

My whole body clenches with violent hatred, the likes of which I haven't felt since...that day, for the entity codenamed 'Leliel'.

'That monster tried to merge itself with Unit 00!'

And according to Asuka, Rei was covered in blood when they carried her off!

'What the hell did that THING do to her?!'

And as if that weren't bad enough, it used Unit 00 AND Rei to try and kill Shinji!

'Just what happened to Shinji inside the Angel?'

The doctors claim that there isn't much physically wrong with him...so their theory is that he fainted from a mixture of stress or shock induced trauma and fatigue.

Remembering back to the brutality of the battle as the Evas literally tore their way out of Leliel's body and then proceeded to savagely beat and strangle one another...not to mention how they both fell from the sky hard enough to gouge a massive crater into the ground when they landed.

For a long time, both Asuka and I are completely silent, both of us seemingly lost in our own private trains of thought, until...

"So, are..." Asuka pauses for a moment, before continuing, "...either of us going to be punished after Third wakes up?"

In that pause, I can hear the real question she's asking. After all, according to Ritsuko, she already told Asuka that she won't be brought up on charges for attempting to commandeer Unit 02 against orders.

"Ritsuko already said she wouldn't push for any charges against you...and I don't plan to either."

'But as for her real question...I'm not quite sure of the answer.'

Asuka nods her head, but continues to stare at me, her brow creasing with frustration...but in the gaze of her cerulean eyes, beneath the veneer of weary annoyance is a deep undercurrent of the same dread tugging at my own soul.

"As for Shinji..." I begin to say after a long pause, "I...I honestly don't know, Asuka."

Asuka may have attempted to defy orders as well...but unlike Shinji, who very publicly defied me and even outright IGNORED my orders, Asuka at least relented under the threat of punishment...and her later attempt to commandeer Unit 02 was dealt with quickly and quietly enough that most of the staff still don't know about it, and was unsuccessful anyway.

But with Shinji having completely disregarded orders and risked getting himself killed and his Evangelion lost beyond hope of recovery, not to mention his complete flouting of my authority in public...I may honestly have no choice BUT to punish him somehow.

'I don't want to...God knows I REALLY don't want to!'

Aside from his genuinely noble and selfless reason for doing it, the truth is that he may in fact have saved us all by making the choice to disobey my orders. After all, there was NO guarantee that Ritsuko's plan would have worked at all, and even if it had...two of my Pilots would be dead, and their Evas most likely crippled beyond further usage anyway.

'He ended up being more useful in the battle than I could've hoped to be, but ultimately...'

"Depending on what the higher-ups say," I add grimly, speaking more to myself than Asuka, "The decision to punish him might very well be out of my hands...let alone how he'll be punished."

Upon hearing my answer, Asuka turns away from me, and once more fixes her gaze on Shinji.

For a long time, she remains silent, before... "Do you...think they'd go as far as discharging him and...sending him back home?"

Her question brings the memory of my conversation with Kaji a mere three days ago bubbling to the surface of my thoughts.

'He said that Asuka resents Shinji for his natural talent as an Eva Pilot. Of course she'd want to see him leave...' I think to myself bitterly. 'I guess not even desperately fearing for his life was enough to change that.'

"It's a possibility," I reply evenly, trying to keep the resentment out of my voice, "But hopefully-..."

I stop dead at the sight of the girl's reaction to my words, the twinge of anger from a moment before all but extinguished within an instant.

The breath catches in Asuka's throat, eyes widening with fear, and the hands resting upon her upper legs clench into white-knuckled fists.

That moment of vulnerability only lasts for a split second before she regains her composure...but it was more than long enough for me to know what I saw.

'So that proves it then. I wonder...'

No. Considering the reason she had to leave, I have no right to make Shinji share a living space with her anymore.

'I guess...a part of me just wants so much for everything to go back to the way things were before. Sure, there were arguments and a LOT of tension, but with the way things have been at home since she left...'

Shinji has always been withdrawn and reticent...but other than that brief moment he opened up to me after coming home early from school on Thursday, he's been even more closed off since Asuka's departure.

'She always had a way of opening him up and making the real Shinji show himself...something I've always seemed to fail at, no matter how hard I try.'

But there's one simple, sobering fact to consider...

'Bringing Asuka back home probably wouldn't fix that at this point anyway...not after everything that's happened. If anything, it's probably why Shinji has been isolating himself even more than before. God, I should be ashamed of myself, relying on a teenage girl to compensate for my ineptitude as a guardian.'

I guess...just seeing such a tender display of concern from Asuka even after the battle was over gave me hope that things could get better...or at least back to the way they were. But even if she's turned over a new leaf, it doesn't undo the damage she inflicted on Shinji. And if moving her back in would only hurt him more...then there's no way in hell I'm going to put him through that.

"But hopefully...what?" Asuka inquires, tersely parroting my aborted answer to her previous question and bringing me back to reality.

"Well..." I answer with a sigh, "Despite his insubordination, everything turned out very favorably, all things considered...so that will most likely be a good point in his favor."

I almost mention that his successful track record with the past Angels may in fact ensure his job's security...but considering that very topic is the source of her previous resentment towards Shinji, combined with the fact that Asuka never really got the chance to actually fight this Angel...I can't help but feel that, far from reassuring her, it might just rip open and rub salt into the same wounds that poisoned her against him before.

'Maybe she's moved past that now, but still...'

No need to risk ruining any progress with a slip of the tongue.

"And I suppose being the best Pilot doesn't hurt his chances either." Asuka's voice is soft, and I can see a faint, wry smile curling her lip. "I guess that's good to know."

I find myself momentarily speechless.

'I knew something had changed in her, but this...'

After a moment, I manage to say, "Were you that worried he'd be sent away?"

The question emerges sounding less teasing and more incredulous than I'd intended.

Asuka bows her head with a deep sigh of resignation as she replies, "Look, I...after what happened today, and everything I said over the radio to Shinji, and directly to you while we were waiting for Akagi to figure out how the Angel functioned...do you honestly think I'd be happy to see him punished or sent away?"

I choose not to answer...but it seems as if Asuka already knows anyway.

"You don't need to answer that. I know you probably think that situational stress was the only thing that made me act the way I did, and that I'd just go back to being my old self afterwards."

I don't bother to contradict her, given that she's spoken the truth.

"I know, it's only been three days...but I..." Asuka pauses, looking as if she's having difficulty finding a way to express her thoughts aloud.

However, she's spared the trouble by the incoming call on my cell phone. I notice that it's coming from one of the scrambled lines.

"Hello?"

 **"** **Misato,"** answers Makoto's voice, sounding rather grave, **"I'm sorry to drop this on you so suddenly, but I wasn't given much warning mys-"**

"Cut to the chase," I reply tersely, feeling the sense of foreboding that's been dogging me since the battle's conclusion redoubling.

 **"** **It's the Committee."** Makoto's voice sounds equally tense. **"They want to speak to you immediately. One of the holographic conference rooms has already been prepared."**

My heart, which had a first began to pound against my ribs, seems to freeze mid-pulse as I rise to my feet.

'They sure didn't waste any time, did they?'

But the snarky tone of that thought does nothing to quell the fear that I'm most likely about to discover the possible fate of my career and at least one of my Pilots sooner rather than later. Perhaps the knowledge that this meeting was inevitable is what is allowing me to maintain my composure.

"I'm on my way," I say after Makoto tells me in which conference room the meeting will take place, with a calmness that surprises even myself, and end the call.

I turn to face Asuka, who to my surprise, has not only risen to her feet, but moved to stand right beside the bed, with an expression that could only be described as fearful...yet strangely resolute.

'It's almost as if she were...'

Asuka blushes furiously as a knowing grin manages to peek its way through my grim consternation.

"Asuka, there's something I have to take care of. I need you to..." I hesitate for a moment.

'Despite what I just saw...I still have to consider what happened before in case he wakes up before I return.'

But the fact is, I haven't been able to reach Kaji, most likely because he's still down in the shelters with everyone else...

'...at least he'd better be.'

And anyone else I'd trust to keep watch over Asuka and Shinji are flooded with the work I'd be doing if I weren't here and then some.

'So...I'm just going to have to trust her.'

"I need you to stay with Shinji until I get back," I tell her firmly. "Which shouldn't be too long," I add, admittedly with less confidence than I'd like.

Asuka stares at me for a moment, before her face almost completely drains of color. "I...I c-can't."

"What?" I reply rather louder than intended, not only out of frustration...but surprise. Considering her recent behavior, this is NOT the response I was expecting. "Why not?"

"B-Because...because I..."

"Out with it Asuka!"

'But truthfully, I think I know...it's written all over her face.'

"Because of what happened last time!" Asuka buries her face in her hands. "I mean sure...my attitude has changed since then, but still..."

She wraps her arms around herself, looking unexpectedly frightened. "That night...I didn't honestly mean to say half the things I did. It all just...spilled out of me before I could stop it. I don't...I don't want to-"

"That's enough!"

I bow my head with a grim sigh.

As much as I understand what she's saying, I simply don't have the time to argue with her that I have faith in her ability not to lose control that way again.

'Hell, she was ready to protect Shinji from ME after that phone call on the off chance that it was about having to punish him. So I'll just have to put that fear back into her...'

"If that's really what you think will happen, then leave NOW!" I say, directing a hard glare at Asuka. "Go on. Walk out of here RIGHT NOW if you honestly think you can't control yourself! Because if you do slip up like that again, I will personally see to it that you NEVER see him again, even after the war is over! Is THAT what you want?!"

Asuka shakes her head, wide-eyed with fear. Whether it be fear of me or fear of her self-control, I know not.

"So what's it gonna be Asuka?" I ask in a quieter, but much more dangerous voice. "Are you leaving or are you staying?"

Asuka doesn't answer with words. With considerable trepidation, but also a look of growing resolve in her eyes, Asuka simply walks back to the chair she'd been sitting in earlier, and plops down into it with a worried yet determined frown.

With a tiny nod of satisfaction, I turn to leave the room, saying as I do so, "If that's your decision, I trust you Asuka. I'll see you when I get back."

As I walk into the hallway, and towards the conference rooms on the other side of the facility, I think to myself, 'I could have just told her to leave. I suppose he doesn't NEED anyone to watch over him, since he's almost perfectly safe here.'

But honestly, I'd hate for him to wake up from that terrible ordeal without SOMEONE familiar in the room there with him. After hours and hours of what must have been completely isolated darkness inside that void, the last thing I want him to be when he awakens is completely alone in a hospital room...which is exactly what I told Ritsuko and the others when I insisted on keeping him company and that I absolutely not be disturbed unless an emergency arose.

For all the faith I have in Asuka to do right by Shinji now though, I can't pretend that she is my first choice. But given Shinji's last words before he fell into the Angel's body, I'd like to think that he's forgiven her, or at least that he's starting to...but truthfully, I have no idea how he might react to her being the first person he sees upon waking up. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was hoping Shinji stays unconscious until I return to his side. At least then, I'll know for sure he's in good hands when he wakes up. But still...

'I guess a part of me is just hoping...that even if he does wake up before I return, that by giving them this one chance to be alone, perhaps they can start to patch things up.'

I can tell they've both missed one another, despite everything. And something tells me that neither one will really be happy until they've made up...or at least gotten some mutual closure.

But naturally, there's a selfish reason on my part too. I want...

'I know it's self-centered of me, but...'

I now stand before the door of the conference room chosen for the meeting with the Human Instrumentality Committee.

'Damnit! I want my family back!'

I open the door, and walk inside.

'That is...if these old bastards don't try to take them away from me first.'

* * *

AN II: You may have noticed that this Chapter doesn't open with a lyric/music banner. That was not unintentional on my part. But don't worry, there WILL be one...at the end of the chapter.

Oh, and on the subject of music, I've decided to change the song for the last segment of Chapter 8 to something more fitting.


	79. Four Little Words (pt2)

•12:37 AM Monday, October 19, 2015

The steady beeping of the heart monitor attached to Shinji feels to me like a numberless countdown...a ruthless marching of the time until he awakens. Each tiny beep is like a stone cast into the murky pool of dread that seems both to fill me and engulf me all at once, sending ripples through my every nerve ending.

I'm not quite sure how long it's been since Misato left the room...but it feels like hours have passed.

'What is she thinking?!' I ask myself for what seems the thousandth time. 'If I stay, and he wakes up and finds me here...'

Flashbacks of Shinji's furious rebuking fill my mind, and merge themselves with the memories of the horrid things I said THAT night...a mere four days past now.

'This is...the first time we've been alone together since then. Gott...it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago now.'

I turn my head slightly to stare at Shinji's face. The expression of his slumbering countenance, always so peaceful before, seems strained with fear.

'I wonder if it's because...he already knows that I'm here.'

A cold wave of misery washes over me at the thought.

'I shouldn't be here. I should've left, damnit!'

'...then why can't I turn away?'

The muscles in my legs won't budge, and even turning my gaze away from him takes a monumental effort...an effort that yields me mere seconds of reprieve before my eyes swivel right back.

'Who am I kidding? I'm too afraid of what will happen when he wakes up to look away.'

I can almost hear his voice, seething with hatred and disgust coming from behind if my gaze should dare to wander elsewhere. If I don't look away...at least I might have a moment to brace myself for that moment.

'But of course, that's not the only reason...'

Despite all the anxiety eating a hole through my insides, I know that if I were anywhere else right now...I'd probably just be driven mad by the maelstrom churning within me. I'm afraid to be near him. But I'm even more afraid that if I leave...I'll never see him again.

'There's a chance...that he might be discharged from NERV, or even imprisoned for defying orders. And once he's gone...that's it. If that happens, unless we both somehow survive the war, I'll probably never see him again after this.'

But considering all that's happened, and how he probably feel about me now, would I honestly want to seek him out anyway?

Somewhere in my mind, a girl wearing a yellow sundress rippling in an illusory breeze replies with a knowing smirk, "Of course you would. What are you, stupid?"

...

I guess I would; but it might take me a whole lifetime to stop being too Gottverdampt stupid to find the right words to say...or to even work up the courage to do or say ANYTHING in the first place. At this point, I'm not so sure that I trust myself not to slip up and say something that's rude at best and unforgivably cruel at worst, and the last few times its happened, it almost felt like it happened automatically, whether it's what I really wanted to say or not.

'Or maybe that's just an excuse...'

...an excuse to cover up the fact that being near him, and feeling the way I have for the last month or so...is fucking terrifying.

'Saying the most hurtful things I could, pushing Shinji away...it was the only way I could feel safe again.'

But even then, that never stopped me from wanting to be near him all over again...wanting his attention on me...and ONLY on me...as if what I'd said and done before, or why I'd done it in this first place, never happened or didn't matter. What the hell is WRONG with me?! What kind of person forces their company on someone they know they're just going to end up hurting over and over again?!

'You know the reason why. But even though you weren't able admit it to yourself, it was your feelings that kept you from being able to stay away from him.'

I look over at him again, and feel that same sensation that begins in my chest that is all at once so perplexing...and so addictive that I can't wait to feel it again...and again.

'When did it first happen?' I've found myself asking that question all the time lately.

'I guess...it might have been as early as September 10...the night before the final fight against Israfel. I remember feeling so disappointed when he failed to call my 'impenetrable Wall Of Jericho bluff' that night.'

But then again, it wasn't quite the same as what I feel now.

'That night, I was mostly just lonely, I think.'

Kaji had already started to make himself scarce and was failing to return any of my calls. Suddenly, I was afraid that I'd made somehow myself...undesirable.

Sure, I had the fawning admiration of the male population at school...but aside from the lot of them being unworthy to even breathe my air, I knew that their slavish devotion was nothing but a mixture of mindless lust and celebrity worship. Utterly worthless to me.

No...I'd wanted to see if I could still entice someone who'd spent time actually living with me and dealing with the real me outside the public eye. And obviously, that narrowed things down to Shinji, and Shinji alone.

Even so, while kneeling at that door, trying to resist the temptation to open it myself when he failed to take the bait, I remember that few, if any, of my frustrated emotions were directed at Kaji...though I failed to acknowledge the significance of that at the time, due to what happened next.

'When he blurted out that he'd tried to kiss me...I felt so confused. I was angry and even hurt that he'd fooled me into thinking he was better than most boys...and yet I was relieved and nearly ecstatic that someone with some significance was actually attracted to me after all.

But even more then that, I was terrified by his revelation that he'd heard me calling out for my momma.

I tried to tell myself that I was giving him the silent treatment as punishment for what he did...but truthfully, the real reason was that I was avoiding him, lest he start asking questions and discover any of the things I've spent all these years burying.

'By the end of the week though, I'd managed to convince myself that it really WAS punishment for his attempt to kiss me...and when I thought about it, I really was angry with him. And though I probably wouldn't have kept it up forever, I'm not sure I would have been satisfied with only one week...had it not been for Shinji utterly defying my expectations yet again.'

"That was it..." I say quietly to myself, "...if I could pinpoint the moment I began to feel this way, it was when..."

And the events of that day begin to replay in mind's eye, as if the memory itself were a roll of film.

...

It was the evening of Friday, September 18, and I was returning from an outing with Hikari and a few other girls whose names aren't important enough to recall.

The moment I entered the hallway, the wave of familiar and completely unexpected odors had hit me...but I dismissed it as nothing more than homesick nostalgia, until I entered the kitchen...and saw with my own eyes what my roommate was doing; the pervert that apparently had the gall to try to kiss me in my sleep, was poring more than a little feverishly over a pan of pork schnitzel and a pot of spaetzle.

For a moment I just stood there and watched, spellbound by the aroma...and silently trying to confirm that what I was seeing was real.

After nearly a minute had passed, Shinji turned around and saw me. At first, his expression was fearful and sad, but then...he made a brave attempt at a hopeful smile.

"I was hoping to surprise you, but...well..." he faltered for a moment, before continuing, "...I know it's probably nowhere near as good as what you're used to, but...I remembered that you said you missed the food back home...so..." he trailed off, watching closely and cautiously, clearly becoming more anxious by the second.

Well...I certainly WAS surprised, not to mention immensely relieved that I decided not to eat anything substantial while I was out. But even so...

"...Why?" I asked him. It was the first word I'd directly spoken to him in a week, and I hated how soft and almost breathless my voice sounded to my own ears.

For a moment, Shinji's nervous smile vanished and he looked away, his expression one of deepest shame. I half expected him to mumble out some overwrought yet laughable attempt to win my affections; basically some more of that inane and quasi-poetic drivel right out of that mountain of 'love confession' letters I'd received from seemingly every worthless boy at my school within the first few days of my arrival.

But after a moment of silence...

"I did a bad thing to you, and...I know that this time, just saying 'sorry' is, well...pointless, to say the least. I almost kissed you when you weren't awake to stop me...of course you'd hate me for that. We're...supposed to be comrades...teammates. We're in this war together, and...we should always be able to trust and rely on one another. How could you when I did something like that?"

He heaved a deep sigh, before continuing, "Asuka, I...I don't really expect you to forgive me or anything, but...I...I felt that at least...I could show you that I...mean what I've said. And," his smile returns, sad and resigned...but genuine all the same, "This is honestly the only thing I'm really ANY good at. And even then, it's probably nothing great, but still I...I h-had to find some way to say it and show that I really mean what I've said."

The words didn't surprise me...I kind of thought he might be doing this to apologize.

No, it was the way he managed to look me in the eye, so unlike his usual shifty-eyed, stammering self, that floored me...the way he made me truly believe every word he said...the way he...made me want to forget everything else and...just...

"Well then," I replied turning and walking away perhaps a bit too quickly when I felt an unexpected, tingling warmth in my cheeks, "I'll leave you to it. And maybe..." I stopped for a moment, all the while resisting the surprisingly strong temptation to turn around, "If you REALLY manage to impress me...I MIGHT just consider forgiving you."

"Right." His reply was just that one soft, simple word. But in it...I heard the same quiet determination that first reared its head during that hellish week of synchronization training.

To be honest, I thought the uncharacteristic show of resolution from my otherwise spineless roommate would be a onetime phenomenon destined to forever eclipse any future interaction with him. But hearing that ironclad sincerity in his voice not only AGAIN, but so soon, and over something so seemingly trivial...I found that my need to maintain a cold distance was completely overridden by my disbelieving curiosity. So, I turned around to look at him once more.

It was fortunate for me that Shinji had turned his full attention back to the stove...because, try as I might (and looking back, I'm not so sure I really DID try), I couldn't suppress the idiotic smile that spread across my face...not to mention, I could tell that I must have been blushing, given how warm and tingly my face felt.

My instincts promptly began to scream at me in a frenzied panic...but for once, I found myself able to ignore them.

...

Returning to the present...I'm not at all surprised to find that I can feel that same stupid grin on my face I was wearing that day.

'How could I not? That memory...it just...'

What I felt at that moment...it was beautiful; almost as beautiful as what I was watching Shinji do. I must have stood there for nearly a minute, looking just like some besotted schoolgirl.

'Just when I thought I had you figured out...you went and pulled something like that? Well played, Baka Shinji.'

If truth be told, I think I probably forgave him right then and there, standing in that kitchen.

'Not that I ever said so...' my smile fades, as a dark curtain of bitterness descends.

After we ate that meal, I told him that I accepted his apology...but made it perfectly clear when I told him his work was 'passable for a first-time attempt, but that there was room for improvement' that my 'forgiveness' had yet to be earned.

'In truth though, it really was delicious. I'd definitely had better back in Germany...but honestly, not by much. Shinji's first time attempt was on par with a reasonably skilled cook who'd been making the dish for years.'

But...I suppose in addition to my usual stubbornness, a part of me REALLY wanted to encourage him into doing it again without having to just come out and ask...or, Gott behüte, offer a genuine compliment. And as usual, all I ended up doing was hurting his feelings.

He looked so hopeful when I said I accepted his apology, only for him to visibly shrink when I as I good as called all his efforts 'mediocre at best'. Naturally, he never tried making German food again, and he became very standoffish for the next few days...but I did notice that he started looking more intently at Wondergirl.

Perhaps...that was the real reason I went as far as showing myself off in a swimsuit and even rubbing my breasts in front of him as part of a 'thermal expansion demonstration' just to get some kind of 'rise' out of him only a few days later at the swimming pool.

I told myself afterward that I was just making him squirm for my own amusement...that it was fun for me to watch 'hopeless little boys' like him get their hopes up just to crush them if they got arrogant enough to try anything. Well...if it had been just about anyone else, that might have actually been true.

'But naturally, that excuse didn't account for how much I hated to see his attention focused elsewhere for even a moment...especially if it happened to be directed towards Wondergirl. Nor did it account for a certain 'something' that happened the night after the battle with Sandalphon.'

We slept overnight at the onsen. Misato and I shared a room with Wondergirl...while Shinji was stuck with only that silly penguin for company.

I'd never been able to sleep well in hotel rooms...and the turbulent thoughts and feelings swirling about in my mind that night would have made sleep impossible anyway. The hot spring was nice, and helped me unwind a bit...but the dark, restless silence of that unfamiliar room, just brought everything the hot spring had temporarily quelled back with a vengeance.

At first, my thoughts were of Kaji. And what initially began as disappointment towards the man I loved...turned to hurt and anger towards the man who, after hinting he'd be watching me fight the Angel, promptly failed to be there, who never came to meet up with us at the onsen afterward...who never even bothered to call ME afterwards to see if I was alright, preferring instead to call Misato to ask how the operation had gone...and who, despite all he had done for me before, almost seemed eager to cast me out of his life, just like everyone else...just like Papa.

I remember the panic that started to boil inside of me...the way my whole body physically hurt just thinking about the possibility of having to live without him; it was all I could do not to curl into a ball and hyperventilate.

After a while though, the same defenses I'd always used at times like these came into play. And it wasn't long before the mask was back in place, as strong and proud as ever. But even then, sleep continued to elude me, and I got...desperate.

I wasn't really in the mood that night...but it wasn't the first time I done it just to distract myself, and it had always worked...until that night.

All the scenarios I tried to envision with Kaji ended with him turning and walking away.

" _Asuka, you're still a child."_

The memory of those words...those patronizing words, and the weary exasperation I heard behind them, despite his attempt to be patient and gentle...I heard them in a way that I hadn't at the time he'd actually said them.

'I think it only came back to haunt me then because...when he agreed to spend the day with me a few days before that...all the hopes I felt were slowly slipping away up to that point...it all came back. I managed to convince myself that 'Kaji was finally coming around'. And until I asked where he was moments before being lowered into the magma of Mount Asama, only to hear Misato's peevish reply that 'God's gift' wouldn't be there, I held onto that renewed hope...just to have it shattered all over again.'

Outwardly, my response was little more than juvenile disappointment. But even before the implications sank in, bitterness gnawed at my subconscious. That may have been one of the reasons I wanted Shinji to watch my 'Giant Stroke Entry' into the crater. I needed someone to admire me right then and there. At that moment, didn't matter if that person was the boy I kept telling myself, with increasingly thin yet stubbornly resilient determination, was unworthy of even standing in Kaji's shadow.

And with that thought...my weary, yet sleepless mind had turned towards the memory of what happened immediately after the battle with the Eighth Angel.

The magma had partially melted Unit 01's unprotected Entry Plug cover plate, and they'd had to cut the warped armor in several places just to eject the plug. While Shinji had thankfully avoided serious injury, he'd still essentially been pressure cooked alive.

'At worst, I was drenched in sweat and extremely uncomfortable. But I remembered the horrific, searing, crushing phantom pain that engulfed my leg when the Angel tore the D-type Equipment's right leg off of Unit 02.'

But Shinji...

I tried to imagine how that must have felt, from full, unprotected immersion in magma, to not being able to eject immediately afterward to escape the scalding LCL.

'Judging by the huge, hissing steam cloud that burst out of his Entry Plug when they opened it...'

I...couldn't fathom it. I'd have expected him to be a quivering, sobbing wreck. And under the circumstances, even I wouldn't have looked down on him for it that time.

'He WAS visibly shaken...but when he saw me...'

" _A-Asuka! Y-You're okay! I'm...I'm so glad you're alright!"_

Those were the words he spoke when he saw me. The medics were trying to lay him down on a gurney, but he was actually resisting them, despite being in pain and breathing heavily.

'Something ignited in my chest...and spread downward at the sight of that...of his...'

That smile when he saw me...it was as if nothing else mattered to him at that moment, except seeing for himself that I wasn't hurt.

'Remembering that moment, immersing myself within it...ignited the flame at last.'

And from that spark...flared a conflagration that burned for more than an hour. That single thought, rather than burning to ash...seemed to mutate, expanding with the flames as I stoked them...rising and evolving from a mere memory...to wildest fantasy.

When at last I returned to bed, it was not feeling as if I were smeared with cold, lifeless ashes.

'No...that night, I slept content amidst glowing embers until morningrise.'

It was lucky that Misato let me sleep in for a bit the next day.

'According to her, I was dead to the world...and looked as if I'd had the best sleep on my life.'

I believed her too. I'd never felt more rested.

'Of course, I still managed to make everything end on a sour note.'

Just before we began the journey home, Shinji, being who he is, made the mistake of making the same observation as Misato, most likely as an innocent conversation starter.

'His room, the one next door to ours, was directly on the other side of the bathroom wall. And despite knowing that I hadn't made much noise, I could help but remember just how thin Japanese walls are...and it made me rethink the implications of Misato's comment from earlier in the worst possible way.'

The angry red handprint I left on his face that morning didn't fade away completely until we were almost home.

Upon seeing the hurt and confusion in his eyes, it didn't take me long to realize I'd jumped the gun again, not that I ever bothered to admit my mistake afterward.

'Gott...' I look over at Shinji, a sad smile tugging at the corner of my mouth at the rush of memories, 'I've given you such a hard time for supposedly 'thinking' pervy thoughts about me in the past. While for the last few weeks, and with increasing regularity, I've been doing exactly the same thing.'

Most of those times, I still tried to think of Kaji...but, even if I succeeded until the end, it always felt...unfulfilling. I hated how thinking of Shinji instead, whether I wanted to or not, made the whole experience less of a chore...and more...of what it was meant to be.

'I guess...at first I was so resentful about it because I felt as if I'd only started favoring Shinji out of desperation...that I was somehow 'forcing' myself to view him in a more attractive light simply because, unlike Kaji, he was available.'

It made me angry at myself...and at Shinji, as if he were somehow to blame for any of what I was feeling.

'Well...in a way, I guess he was. If only by being himself...no matter how unpleasant I was acting.'

But the truth is...the only thing I was really forcing myself to do all along, was hold onto a hopeless crush as a security blanket...to prevent myself from being hurt. Not that Kaji's rejections were painless...but that hurt was familiar, and after awhile...expected.

Even now...I don't know if allowing myself to feel this way about Shinji before I fucked everything up would have been the better choice. But now...

'After all I've done...I don't think I'll ever have the chance to find out. And I hate it...'

I hate that I've most likely burned that bridge beyond repair...and that it's entirely my fault for all of it.

'And if there's one thing I hate more than screwing things up so badly that they can't be fixed...it's not having anyone else to lay the blame on.'

A small, bitter chuckle breaks my sullen silence. 'But even if you do somehow find it in you to forgive me...I don't know how I'm ever going to face you again. I still don't trust myself to be near you...at least not when you're awake.'

I wish, more than ever, that Misato would just hurry up and get back here.

'But maybe...'

I've heard...that sometimes when someone is unconscious they can...still hear other people speaking to them. And...if that's true...then...'

There's a few things I have to say...while I've still got the courage.

I slowly rise to my feet, and stand by the bed...and force myself to look down, directly at his face. I know he can't see me...but I feel that the least I can do is talk directly TO him, rather than look around at anything and everything else...even though that's exactly what I'd like to do right now.

"Hey," I begin, my voice little more than a hoarse whisper...only to realize that I don't know how to word any of the countless things I want to say.

'But I can't just walk away. I know me. When he wakes up, at best, I'll just end up running away, or clamming up.'

And at worst...

'No...that won't happen. I won't let it.'

But for now...I need to do what little I can to make things right. And maybe I can start by reassuring Shinji that the efforts that landed him here haven't been in vain.

"I..." my voice still sounds hoarse and strained. But this time, I don't let myself stop for long. "...I don't know if Misato said anything to you earlier, while I was asleep, but...well...Wond-, I mean Rei...she's injured, but...Akagi called Misato...and said she's going to be okay."

I wish I could sound happier...but...all I feel is sick. Everything...my insides...I feel like I'm dying. And I know why...

'That 'vision'...the one that tore apart that one shining moment of real happiness...it's going to come true, isn't it?'

As soon as they both wake up...I know it. I'm going to end up watching that scene play out in real life...and it's all thanks to me. I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

'At least...in that vision...he was older and so was I. We...at least had some time together before he threw me aside in favor of...'

Well, I guess I don't have much right to complain about losing something that's never even happened...and never will. Especially since whatever drove him to her probably would have been my own fault anyway.

'So...the only thing I can really do now...is stand aside.'

It's going to happen whether I do or not...so I might as well not make things harder than they are. I've done enough of that already.

"I don't blame you," I go on, "For wanting to save Rei. And...I'm not angry with you for stabbing Unit 02 in the arm."

A bitter smirk curls my lip. "It sure did hurt like hell though." Despite my words, my tone is warm. "But...I guess considering everything I've done since I met you...I suppose I had it coming. And...I know, even though you were angry...you didn't do it to hurt me. I know you're not like that. You're not..."

Suddenly there's a lump in my throat, and my eyes feel itchy. "...you're not like...me."

My fingers brush against something warm...and looking down, I see that I've been unconsciously reaching for Shinji's hand.

I freeze mid motion...but do not immediately withdraw my hand.

'I've never...not even with Kaji. At least, not in that way; it was only in the years before I started crushing on him that he held my hand.'

I move my left hand closer, my trembling palm hovering above the knuckles of Shinji's right hand.

'Maybe...just for a moment. Just to see how it feels...'

My hand slowly begin to close, the fingers brushing against the surface of the hospital bed as they curl inward...

'I...can't...'

I pull my hand away, feeling the tension in my stomach fade into a dull, hollow ache.

'It's not that I'm afraid this time. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. But...'

I've already taken enough from Shinji.

'I treated him like dirt...broke his confidence when he was most vulnerable...used him as a scapegoat for my own shortcomings...and even ruined his first kiss.'

Holding his hand would comfort me, I know it would...

'...and I don't deserve to be comforted. Not after all of that.'

"Shinji..." my voice is still strained, but clearer now than it was, "I don't know if you ended up believing anything I said over the comm channel today...but I want you to know that...I really did mean everything I said. I meant it then...and I mean it now."

I turn my gaze back his face...and that's when I notice a small lock of hair dangling down into his closed left eye.

'Well...it's not just for my own comfort this time,' I tell myself as an idea forms in my head, 'so...'

I know it's a lie...and a pitifully weak one at that...but even so, it's enough. Reaching out tentatively with my right hand...I hesitate...before at last allowing the tips of my fingers to rest on his brow.

At even this lightest of touches, electricity seems to surge up the entire length of my arm. My heart is pounding furiously...and yet seems to be skipping beats, making my head suddenly feel lighter than air.

'It's the same as that night. So this is really how it would have felt?'

I smile sadly down at my fellow pilot as brush the errant lock of hair out of his eye. "Baka...you really scared us today. Misato was beside herself and...so was I. I know I've never really acted like it, but I...I don't want you to...I'm not...I'm not ready for you to..."

I should pull my hand away. I've brushed his bangs back already...

'But his hair is...so soft...'

"I'm not...ready for you to leave!"

For a moment, I stand there in silence, shocked at my own boldness.

'Well...if I can come right out and say something like that...then maybe...'

I shake my head, dismissing the thought beginning to take shape. But I allow myself to smile wryly anyway.

"So...I guess if you heard what I said...then I guess...I guess you know the truth about me now. How I really feel..."

I pause, the next words I need to say forming a bitter lump that makes my teeth clench with revulsion. "But even so, I...know that I...I can't stand in your way anymore. So...I won't. Wondergirl...I don't like her...I never will, but...I think she'll be good for you, and good to you. Everything that I can't be, and never could," I finish in a small voice.

I stand there quietly for some time after that...still unable to keep my hand from stroking Shinji's hair.

I don't know what I expected...but I think a small, hopeful part of me was hoping he'd wake up at the end of my heartfelt ramblings...and tell me that all was forgiven and maybe...that it was okay for me be here, and maybe even...that I wouldn't have to walk away.

'Maybe you won't...but then again...'

" _Time to grow up..."_

An echo from that night in Misato's kitchen rises to the surface, mocking my faint hope with the reminder of my own cruel words towards the boy that had once offered me his heart.

" _...that's not how life works."_

'...it's not up to you anymore.'

Wanting something, anything to distract me from my thoughts, I turn my gaze to the pulse monitor.

Shinji's heart rate is steady...and unchanging; just as it has been this entire time. And I feel my heart grow heavy with hopelessness...

I don't know what feels worse...

'...the unlikelihood of Shinji having really heard a single word I said, or the knowledge that had I known for certain that he COULD hear me, I'd NEVER have had the courage to say ANY of it in the first place.'

But perhaps, despite that...

"Maybe...even if you can't hear me now...maybe this will at least help me know what to say when I can stop being the coward I always accused you of being."

In spite of everything weighing me down, my smile returns.

'Even now...you're making me smile when it's the very last thing I want to do. I just know...if anyone can make that stupid doll smile like a real person, it's you...Baka Shinji.'

"Thank you," I say quietly, but loud enough for him to hear me...if he could, "For all the times I should have said it...and failed to...thank you so much. For being patient...and not just turning away when you should have. Even if you still hate me when you wake up...thank you, for everything. And..."

There's one last thing...

"About the whole 'trying to kiss me while I was asleep'...don't EVER do something like that AGAIN!" For the first time since I started speaking to him, I raise my voice. Not by much...but enough to get the point across, if he were awake. "Dummkopf, you're better than that...and you know it!"

With that last sentence, I lower my voice, and add softly, "I know it too...and that's why..."

I bend down, softly whispering four little words I should have said nearly a month ago into his right ear. "I forgive you, Shinji."

—


	80. Four Little Words (pt3)

Hey there everyone!

I'm really sorry to have kept you all waiting for so long, but at last, I have completed the next segment!

Unfortunately, all I've completed is JUST the one segment. So I'm afraid that all I have to show for 3 and 1/2 months of silence is but 3K words.

I will try to have the next one done a little quicker though.

But for now, here's Misato...and the first appearance (sort of) of SEELE.

•12:12 AM

Even with the light from the hallway filtering in, the inside of the conference room is pitch black.

'Is this...the right conference room? The holographic displays aren't even-'

The door slides shut behind me, temporarily plunging the room into total darkness, before a circle of light illuminates directly beneath my feet. Harsh and brilliant, so much that it hurts to look down the beam of light is concentrated in such a way that, for all its brightness, it does not penetrate the cloistering gloom around me...so that the only visible entity or object in the room is me.

I feel myself shudder involuntarily. I can't see anyone...and there probably isn't anyone in here physically...but I can still feel the gaze of unseen eyes staring at me through the holographic chamber's visual monitors.

'Was this...is this anything like what they went through?' I wonder to myself, feeling a sudden cold that has little to do with the temperature of the room. 'Shinji...Rei...I'm so sorry.'

The silence that follows the closing of the door seems to last an age. And then...

" **Major Katsuragi..."** the gravelly, audio-distorted voice rumbles forth from the surrounding void, just loud enough to buzz uncomfortably in the back of my skull, " **...the report of the recent combat against the Twelfth Angel indicates that a number of troubling irregularities took place."**

Silence follows this statement, clearly indicating an unspoken order to provide my own take on what transpired.

"Correct," I reply evenly, surprised at my own ability to keep my cool despite the clear attempt at intimidation. "The Twelfth Angel was somehow able to completely bypass detection by our warning array and quite literally appeared out of nowhere directly within Tokyo 3 itself. According to Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, the Angel not only utilized, but in fact WAS an inverted AT Field that manifested as a 'Sea of Dirac', while visibly projecting an illusory sphere that masqueraded as a corporeal body. According to her, this atypical composition is what caused it to be undetectable, as our warning system relies on the presence of a tangible-"

A second voice, as heavily audio-distorted as the first...but still clearly identifiable as a different speaker interrupts, issuing from somewhere behind me, " **We are well aware of how the warning system of Tokyo 3 functions. Please keep your report confined to the events that took place during the battle."**

So there's more than one set of eyes staring me down? I suppose I should be less than surprised...yet it doesn't stop me from feeling a small chill from creeping up my spine.

'That means there could be any number of individuals silently watching this exchange...individuals that will most likely make themselves known in gradual fashion one, or perhaps, two at a time. And I doubt this one will be the last one to speak up.'

"Yes," I reply calmly, concealing my annoyance, "Of course. Upon activating the inverted AT Field, the Angel revealed its true body; a form that appeared to resemble a large, circular shadow that proceeded to consume any object within a 680 meter circumference."

As I pause to take a breath, another voice cuts in again, this time emanating from beneath my feet, the volume just high enough to make my feet vibrate with the sound, " **That information is concurrent with the report we've already received...nearly word for word in fact, and therefore hardly a significant observation Major K-"**

" **The confirmation of a field report by a reliable eyewitness is NOT insignificant,"** a fourth voice, issuing from somewhere above my head interjects, sounding noticeably annoyed...as if the person they'd interrupted had spoken out of turn. " **Please, continue your statement, Major. Do not omit any pertinent information, even if you believe our report would render such information redundant. And I would REMIND the members of this council that one of the purposes of this meeting is to hear Major Katsuragi's version of events."**

I've noticed by now that the different angles the voices come from are completely surrounding me.

'They're trying to box me in, and make me feel helpless and trapped.'

And it's obvious that last exchange between the two newcomers was staged. They want me to feel that I have both enemies and supporters among their ranks...and they're probing me to see if I can be cowed into appealing, and if need be, supplicating directly to the one they've designated as 'my ally'.

'Do they really have so little respect for me that they don't realize I'd see right through that little tactic?'

Resisting the urge to smirk in defiance, I continue my eyewitness report and even give a detailed rundown of the tactics I chose to approach the battle with, as well as offer my observations...or rather, Ritsuko's speculations...on the strange, unpredictable phenomena that made this battle stand out from even the other battles.

All the while, I purposefully speak in the general direction of the two voices that seem to be my 'detractors', deliberately ignoring the one that spoke in my 'defense'...not least because it would require me to look upward and, no matter how unwittingly it might be on my part, look as if I were supplicating in front of these sick bastards.

'Even so, though...'

Even if I can see through their crude interrogation tactics...

'And lets not allow for any pretense that this is anything other than just that; an interrogation...'

...I can't let myself be distracted...not here. It's been evident from the beginning of this interview that the Committee...or rather, I suspect, the inner circle of SEELE...have gone out of their way to unsettle me and throw me off. Why they would do such a thing at this particular moment, I'm not entirely sure...

'...but I have a few theories...all of which lend credence to Kaji's belief that NERV is secretly at war with its own benefactors. That...and these old creeps have probably gotten so used to exerting their power over others that they have a sick need to psychologically intimidate anyone they speak to...whether it's really necessary or not.'

Why else would they hold a 'conference' like this; isolating me in a dark room and speaking to me as nothing more than faceless, distorted voices from an artificial void?

'I understand their need for anonymity...but I know this is more than that. They're deliberately trying to put me under as much stress as possible without resorting to outright torture; no doubt hoping I'll slip up under pressure and perhaps inadvertently give them ammunition to use against me or my superiors should the need arise...'

 _...if, for example, you DO happen to be working alongside their highly useful yet equally troublesome asset. No doubt they probably know about your past relationship...and have considered the possibility that Kaji might confide in you._

I'm sure they are at least suspicious of such a possibility...or that they have at least considered the plausibility of that scenario whether or not they actually suspect anything yet.

'The question is, assuming of course that they couldn't simply bug our conversations...would they interpret his confidence in me as a betrayal against them? Or would he find a way to convince them that he was seducing me to their cause...perhaps by telling them that he'd informed me of Gendo Ikari's likely role in the Second Impact...while omitting any mention of SEELE? Or perhaps would they simply see a womanizing cad cozying up with an old flame while still flirting with everything wearing a skirt within hailing dist-...'

My thoughts suddenly grind to a halt as I'm hit with a sudden realization...or perhaps, a bout of misguided wishful thinking...about Kaji's relentless skirt chasing since he arrived here.

'He was always flirtatious; it used to drive me up a wall back in college. But...it was so much more restrained back then.'

Since he's come here, practically all of the female staff members I know personally have been hit on by him at one point. Sure...things change over the years. But...that's the ONLY thing that's changed...

'Other than him being ever MORE handsome than ever at least.'

At first I just assumed that he was just being more brazen than before due to actually being single this time around. Then, I started to wonder...

'...or perhaps, to hope...'

...whether or not he was trying to make me jealous. And if he was, it made me furious beyond words how well it worked, despite all my valiant attempts to pretend otherwise. But now...

'Now I wonder if there's an entirely different reason Kaji has been acting like such a horndog. Sure he likes to flirt...but not so obnoxiously and with EVERY female in sight.'

So...what if...

'Ryoji...is this behavior some kind of ruse you've been playing to disguise your actual intent? And if so...was that kiss beneath the streetlight a part of it?'

I remember back to the day I made the discovery that led our relationship to collapse.

'I found those notes of his. I found out that our initial meeting wasn't an accident. He knew exactly who I was...what I'd lived through. All the things he'd said and done to gain my trust...he'd meticulously mapped it out. It became evident to me that he'd been waiting for me to bring up my past without being prompted by him. And by the time I realized that when I HAD told him what happened that day, he hadn't asked a single one of the questions he'd written down and no doubt memorized to the letter for when that day came...it didn't matter. It didn't matter that as I poured out the memories of the event that left me catatonic for years, he gently held me in his arms and listened rather than spoke. It didn't matter that if I'd simply stopped to analyze his behavior in the week of nonstop sex that followed the opening he'd been waiting for since the day we met, it would have been obvious that he no longer cared that I was the sole survivor of Second Impact...or the daughter of Motohiro Katsuragi. The only thing I saw at that moment, was the man who buried himself in his life's work, casting aside all else...even the woman he said he'd love until death.'

Overwhelming feelings of rage, hatred, and betrayal at the discovery consumed me and instinctively tuned out any attempts on my part to think rationally.

'But then...I DID leave everything as I'd found it before storming out. And when I'd cut myself off from him for two weeks rather than simply dumping him immediately, I gave him the chance to come clean.'

But he didn't. He chose to let me walk away from what we were both sure would be the last time we would ever see each other. Those two weeks...were the worst days of my life, with one obvious exception anyway. Anger and hurt slowly and torturously mutated into despair as I came to realize that Kaji wasn't going to step forward. Even so...walking away was like having to tear off my own arm.

'And he just stood there...with that blank look on his face. He didn't say a word. A single word...even one that was halfway out of his mouth would have made me turn around.'

Perhaps he knew that. Perhaps he knew why you hid yourself away for two weeks. Perhaps he knew what you'd discovered...and felt that it was for the best that he simply let you go. Out of shame? Maybe...out of genuine love? Who knows...

My mouth is still busy relaying the events of the battle twelve hours past, but my mind is consumed with only one burning thought.

'Ka-...Ryoji, you idiot!'

" **Is something the matter, Major?"**

I blink at the interruption, realizing too late that my face has tightened into a slight grimace.

"No," I reply evenly, quickly but carefully regaining my composure. "May I continue?"

" **Yes, please do."**

'That was careless. Most likely they'll write it off as post-battle stress...which wouldn't be inaccurate either...but that doesn't mean that I can let my guard down around these old buzzards for even a moment. Anything they can use against me or Ryoji once we become a thorn in their side...they'll use it.'

I try not to think of just what levels they might stoop to in order to either stay my hand or even control it.

'I'm sure they wouldn't target the pilots...'

But I'm less certain of that then I'd like to be.

'Especially once the war is over...it wouldn't be that hard for an organization powerful enough to control NERV...hell, powerful enough to effectively rule the world...to hire assassins skilled enough to snipe them all in broad daylight and escape without detection...no doubt making it look like the work of pro-Angel extremists. Or, on that note, who's to say they couldn't just hire REAL extremists...or perhaps just point them in the right direction...and then let them be thrown to the wolves themselves afterward? And the worst of it is, if it's any one of the organizations of cult lunatics on our current watch list, they most likely wouldn't care if they all got killed in the attempt...so long as they accomplish their objective first.'

It's all I can do not to allow the dread from these thoughts to show on my face.

'I'm going to have to keep my involvement in Kaji's plans as clandestine as possible. I don't want to die...but if I have to give up my life, that's fine by me. But the kids...if I'm not careful, they'll go right for the kids to put me back in line...and those kids have all had too much taken from them already for me to just let them die. If anything happens to them, even if I I get ALL the answers I'm looking for, I'll never forgive myself. Honestly, a part of me wants to turn back and forget about everything, but...given Asuka's connection to Kaji, they'd probably go after her anyway even if I left Kaji to do it himself and simply turned a blind eye to let him.'

And what's more...

'I want...I want to save HIM too! That idiot! That suicidal IDIOT is going to die and leave me to pick up the fucking pieces of my heart unless I do something. Hell, he might still die even WITH my help...but knowing what I do now, I can't just sit on my hands and watch it happen!'

Fortunately, we might just have the perfect cover. Perhaps...rekindling our relationship isn't such a bad idea after all.

 _And as ever, the only real motivator you have...is that thirst for vengeance. If not for that-..._

'No! It's not like that!' My mind reels in horror and disgust at that nasty little voice in the back of my head.

I only resist clenching my fists in determination to avoid showing the buzzards surrounding me any sign of emotional upheaval. 'Not this time. This time...I really do want this for myself just as much as I intend to use it as a smokescreen!'

And whether or not the smokescreen works, unless it somehow puts my pilots or the rest of the world in danger...

'But even if we end up having to separate again...even if it's for longer than eight years this time, I won't let it be like it was before.'

A certain, treacherous part of me is beginning to feel a bit warm and...agitated.

'Not now dammit! Not here!'

Such torrid sensations arising in a place like this might have been vaguely amusing...

'If not for the company I'm being forced to entertain...'

And just like that, any errant feelings of arousal are completely snuffed out. Far from feeling relief, I just feel all the more resentful toward these faceless old ghouls for putting me through this meeting in the first place.

'I hope they won't keep me much longer after I finish relaying my account of the battle. I don't know how much longer I can stand this!'

It isn't long before I wrap things up as, thankfully, the one playing the part of 'the detractor' remains silent along with the others until I've finished speaking.

There's another long, silent pause...before a fifth voice breaks the silence. " **Is that the conclusion of your report Major Katsuragi?"**

An irrepressible chill runs the length of my spine at the entrance of this new voice.

"Yes." I reply in what I hope is a still a passably neutral tone. "That is the end of my report. Will there be anything else?"

" **That yet remains to be seen, Major Katsuragi."**

While it is just as thickly disguised as the others, it carries an unmistakable air of authority. Not to mention...

'The other voices have me boxed in, but at least they're all staying within a fixed position. This one though...'

This newest presence is projecting their voice in such a way that it is impossible to determine its precise origin, and worse...it seems to move around the chamber...as if the speaker were some kind of intangible monster circling its prey.

'Possibly not an inaccurate assessment,' I think wryly to myself.

" **For the moment, we would ask that you stay where you are. We shall return momentarily."**

And with that statement falls a heavy silence.

'So they're speaking amongst themselves...and they don't want me to hear what they're saying.'

In addition to trying to ready myself for when the disembodied voices return to prevent myself from being visibly startled, I also have to steel myself against the fear of what judgement they might place on my failure to be an effective commander, and worse...

'...what actions they might order order against Shinji...and possibly Asuka if they decide to go completely over our heads and insist upon punishing her t-'

" **Thank you for your patience, Major Katsuragi."** The voice of the leader returns, breaking me out of my thoughts. " **Upon evaluating your report as well as Dr. Ritsuko Akagi's against our own, we have concluded that the mishaps that took place, while unfortunate, were not due to poor performance or negligence on your part. Indeed, your initial strategy to combat the Angel, based on what little reliable data was available to you, was quite well constructed."**

I remain silent and impassive to this supposed compliment. After all, I can sense a definite 'however' coming on.

" **However,"** the voice says right on cue, " **You spoke little of the insubordinate actions of the Second and Third Children while relaying your report."**

'There it is...what I've been dreading most of all in this whole conference.'

"Yes. I chose not to fixate on that particular issue, given that it hasn't been a serious problem in the past, save for when both pilots were still inexperienced and therefore more easily excitable. And in this situation, any insubordination committed by the Second and Third Children was done so out of concern for their fellow pilots. Even so, their actions were inexcusable and I will personally see to any punishment that must be administered."

" **That will not be necessary, Major Katsuragi."**

My insides turn to ice.

" **After all, the reports corroborate with your assertion that their actions were motivated by concern for their fellow pilots. Quite understandable given the circumstances."**

Far from feeling ANY sort of reassurance at this statement, I've gone from feeling cold inside to feeling as if every fiber of my body is trying to rip itself to pieces beneath my skin.

'I don't know what it is they plan on doing...but there's no way in hell they're really just going to overlook this!'

"With all due respect," I respond, thankful that my voice isn't trembling along with my nerve endings, "I think it would be best to administer SOME measure of discipline. I assure you, you can leave that to me."

" **If you feel that it is necessary, then you are free to do as you see fit. However, all WE would ask is that the Third Child be allowed to offer his own account of the battle before this council."**

—

So, SEELE seems...unusually lenient today...

No worries, they aren't doing so to be nice. It's just that they've realized they have more than enough leverage to force Misato to allow them to speak to Shinji.

She managed to talk them out of it in canon. Here? She (and Shinji) will not be so fortunate.

They might at least be nice enough to give Shinji a WHOLE DAY to recover after he wakes up.

A WHOLE DAY! *unenthusiastic cheering sounds*


	81. Four Little Words (pt4)

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for the long absence. I was hoping to have more material prepared before posting again, but...I've decided that I've waited too long already.

This segment has actually been finished for over a month, but I wanted to have a few more ready to make up for the long absence. Sadly, I have only this one completed, so I apologize if the wait was anticlimactic one.

I do least have the next one underway, however. So that's good at least I guess. I'll try not to keep you waiting too long for the next one.

But anyways, let's get down to it shall we? Lol

Fair warning, this one's a bit...grim.

Here's some mood music for the scene ahead (it's not the music/lyrical banner for this chapter, which will be revealed at the END of Chapter 9, but it's a fitting soundtrack for the setting...and it's a been a favorite of mine lately. Hope you all enjoy it too)

 _"Merriments in the centerpiece_

 _Weird things in galore_

 _Is the cradle of the disease that man alone must answer for?"_

 _"Joy and delights forever ceased_

 _Sufferings abloom_

 _Eaten alive by the cauldron beast_

 _Let the drones ring to the sound of doom"_

- **"The Garden Of Earthly Delights"** by Apocalypse Orchestra

/5BhUPFwAFQo

•12:58 AM

It's been almost a half hour since we were all released from the shelters.

I almost dialed Kats-

'Misato...she's Misato to me now.'

I almost dialed Misato's number...before remembering that she must already be dealing with a veritable hell of chaos in the wake of the battle.

Having elected instead to stroll around the city, surveying the aftermath of the battle, it quickly became evident that I was entirely correct in my assumption.

Numerous buildings lay in ruin around me, including several of the skyscrapers and high rises that had once cast their imposing shadows over the fortress city. Numerous smaller buildings also laid in ruins, many having been crushed by falling chunks of concrete and steel. In some places, the streets were still choked with debris, and in a few cases, still impassable despite the valiant and ongoing efforts of the heavily understaffed cleanup crews.

From what I'd gathered, it seemed that there was at least one consistent trail of destruction carved diagonally from the northwest to the southeast, straight through the heart of the city. If one were to look at the trail of wreckage from above, I'd imagine it would look similar to the damage path of a tornado...if you ignored the clearly visible Evangelion-sized footprints anyway.

'One can only imagine...' I thought darkly to myself, 'If the damage looks this bad in the darkness of early morning, illuminated only by street lamps and flood lights, just how horrific will it appear with the rising of the sun in several hours' time?'

It was little trouble simply blending in with the shifting masses of people making their myriad ways back to their homes or calling out for loved ones in varying states of distress. Adopting an air of fearful bemusement while still looking as if I had a specific place to go wasn't difficult either. After all, I certainly did feel real fear and confusion...and I still do.

'How did an Angel manage to completely bypass the detection array?!' was but one question that has raised my hackles since the warning first sounded; a warning that came nearly a minute AFTER the Twelfth Angel first appeared in the sky!

Not to mention...

'What's become of Misato? Of Asuka? Of the other Pilots? Of NERV itself?'

Presumably, the Angel is dead and we've won if the civilians are being released, but still...

'If this Angel was capable of avoiding detection, there's no telling how dangerous its other abilities were...'

I nearly broke down and called Misato despite my determination not to trouble her...but then I was distracted by something; something that I'm now on my way to see for myself.

It started with frantic whispers and shouts that I only overheard fragments of, but that all seemed to center in around the southeastern part of the city.

"I guess I'd better see what this is all about."

I begin to make my way there, noticing as I do so that the crowd traveling the same direction around me is thickening with alarming rapidity.

Eventually, the throng comes to a general halt, and the crowd begins to jostle one another, trying to push their way forward.

'What are they all looking at? I don't see anything ahead of-'

And that's when I realize...

'The buildings...there's nothing but empty space in the distance where there should be buildings!'

Chills erupt in the back of my skull and send waves of cold, paralyzing fire down the rings of my spine as my heart begins to pound. And before I know it, I find myself fighting my way to the front, not caring about how many shoulders, elbows, and fists try to push me back or how many shouted curses and mumbled death threats follow in my wake.

I don't know how long it takes, but eventually I get close enough to see it...

The crowd has formed a massive ring over half a kilometer in diameter around...nothing.

'...what the hell happened here?!'

I remember...back in 1997 when I was in junior high school, our class hosted an American exchange student. One afternoon, near the end of May, I listened in on a conversation they were having with a friend of mine.

Apparently, they'd just received news from home that on May 27, a section of their hometown...Jarrell, Texas if memory serves me correctly...had been completely destroyed by an exceptionally violent F5 tornado. They'd described how they'd been told that the tornado's intensity and torturously slow forward motion resulted in damage that was extreme even for a tornado; fields were scoured nearly two feet deep in some places, asphalt paving was peeled off the roadbeds, and even sturdy, well-constructed homes were completely swept away until absolutely nothing but foundations and cellar pits remained...not to mention, many of the deceased were so badly mauled that their remains were at times indistinguishable from those of the hundreds of dead cattle scattered around the area, and had to be identified by their dental records.

'I can only imagine that the result must have looked something like this.'

Where there were once homes and a smattering of small businesses, cars, trees, grass streets, and sidewalks...nothing remains. Nothing but exposed soil and gaping holes where there used to be buildings and strips of base course where there used to be strips of asphalt and concrete.

'It's all been wiped away...swiped clean, as if smote by some divine entity.'

I grimace at that last thought.

'We call these damned monsters 'Angels'...and their abilities are powerful to the point of being miraculous. In a way, they might be the closest thing to divine beings to have ever been witnessed by credible human eyes.'

I push my way forward and finally reach the perimeter of the ghastly phenomenon, and it's then that I see that there are in fact groups of people moving about in the blasted expanse, clustered around a seemingly innocuous rectangular opening.

Judging by their uniforms, they seem to be medical personnel. And off to the right of them, laid out in numerous orderly rows are...

'...bodies. Dozens...no...HUNDREDS of them!'

And as I watch, silent as a lonely grave amongst the din of frantic questions, panic-stricken whispers, cries of horror and disbelief, and the occasional sobs and wails of despair, I see the rows of corpses increasing endlessly, dragged up from the rectangular maw of, what I'm beginning to realize, must have been one of the shelters.

'So that's it then...'

Whatever bizarre ability this Angel possessed as its weapon did this. It somehow managed to obliterate everything within a perfect, half kilometer circle; buildings, trees, animals, grass, the top layers of the streets and sidewalks...

'...and killed every human being unfortunate enough to have been caught within the circumference of annihilation.'

Before my mind has even finished comprehending all of this, I find myself ducking beneath the yellow tape and stepping into the almost perfectly circular wasteland, tersely brushing off an approaching guard with my credentials as 'NERV Special Inspector', once again feeling thankful at the relative freedom allowed by my meaningless yet 'just vague enough to seem legitimate' job title.

The earth beneath my feet is strangely damp...and saturated with an ominously familiar metallic odor.

'It smells like...'

And sure enough, looking down at my feet, I see the unusual dark red color of the 'water' as my shoes press down into the mud beneath them. Indeed, now that I look down, I can see vast splotches of partially-congealed blood covering the ground, particularly in places where there used to be paving rather than grass.

'It must be from the Angel...even from this many bodies, this amount of blood is too much. Not to mention, they were all likely underground when they died. If anyone was above ground when the Angel unleashed its attack, I doubt there'd be a body left behind...let alone any blood.'

But even knowing that the blood most likely isn't human doesn't take away the dull pangs of horrified disgust that assail me when I get close enough to look down at the bodies.

Nearly all of them have a purplish blue discoloration to their skin; cyanosis...a telltale sign of death by asphyxiation. And many of them also bear various mutilations...bruises, scratches, lacerations. In a few cases, including at least one child no older than three, the cause of death was not asphyxiation...but rather blunt force injuries consistent with being trampled to death or crushed against walls.

There is one thing the dead ALL seem to have in common however; expressions of wide eyed agony and terror are visible on the face of nearly every single one of the corpses, open mouths still screaming silently at the dark, uncaring sky above.

'They were all killed in the place they were told they'd be the safest...' I think to myself bitterly.

Looking around the circular scar, the ground seems too perfectly flat to be the result of violent winds or some other equally chaotic method of destruction. No, it looks to me as if everything was simply shaved away with surgical precision, leaving everything, except where a now barren hillside rises near the edge of the circumference, almost completely flat.

Given that the vast majority of the victims from the shelter seem to have died from asphyxiation, it can be assumed that whatever the Angel did somehow cut off any oxygen flow to anyone trapped underneath the affected area.

'As for the nature of what the area of effect itself was...'

My speculation is cut short by the ringing of my cell phone.

'Misato! Thank goodness, she's alive!'

An unbelievable pressure I hadn't really noticed weighing me down until now seems to evaporate, and I feel myself smile with relief despite the horrors surrounding me.

"Inspector Kaji here," I answer, trying not to sound too giddy with relief.

 **"Ryoji? Where are you right now?"**

The grave tone of the voice that replies immediately takes the wind out of my sails.

"What is it? What's happened, Misato?"

A conga line of varying emotions surge through me as Misato reveals what's happened since the Angel was defeated...relief, concern, relief, fear, relief, and a mixture of anger and sympathy at the last bit.

"Is there anything I can do?"

 **"No. Except..."** she pauses for a moment, before heaving a weary sigh that makes her sound as if she's aged ten years since we last saw one another. **"Just...just please hurry back. I want to see you. I NEED to see you. I...I need you, Ryoji."**

Another pause follows this, and I myself do not dare open my mouth.

 **"I'm sorry. After what happened back then, I...I have no right-"**

"I'm on my way," I reply, cutting her off.

 **"I..."** she sounds flustered for a moment, before sighing again...but this time, I can almost see the weary smile behind it. **"Thank you."**

The call ends, and I turn to leave, heading towards the nearest entrance to NERV's medical facility I can find.

For a moment, I feel a rush of elation...which quickly melts into shame.

'I know what that might have sounded like...but what's important is that she needs me right now, because she's scared and has no one else to turn to. She's vulnerable right now...and I'll be damned if ever exploit her for anything again. It's bad enough that I did it once to get her account of Second Impact out of her. I won't ever sink that low again. Never.'

The determination to do the right thing doesn't quite manage to wipe my imagination clean of what could happen...but I know that whatever happens, I'll do what I must.

'I'll be there for you, Misato. No matter what happens...or doesn't happen, I'll be there for you. However you need me to be...I'll be there for you.'

* * *

AN: The tornado referenced by Kaji actually did happen. This is a brief video of the Jarrell, Texas tornado of May 27, 1997.

The worst damage was done to the Double Creek Estates, where the tornado reached its peak intensity and its ground speed slowed to perhaps 1 or 2mph.

At the 0:40, you can see what remained of the Double Creek Estates in the immediate aftermath of the tornado (it's been rebuilt since then though). Twenty-seven people lost their lives...among them were at least two entire families.

(The tornado at 0:53 is actually a different one that was spawned by the same supercell on the same day, a few hours later near Georgetown, Texas, if memory serves me correctly)

/yc1O1d_7HPU


End file.
